Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 2, Episode 21 - The Kid - full transcript

Good morning.

Good morning,
Barn. How's your foot?

Ah, getting better.

Doctor says a couple,
three more weeks, that's all.

Great. Anything
happening around here?

Nope, quiet in here.

Where are Fish and Harris?

Harris is working
out of the DA's office.

Oh, yeah, that's right. And
Fish hasn't shown up yet.

Want some coffee? Yeah, thanks.

Can I have it inside? Sure.



Chano?

Hm?

Did... Did Barney tell anybody
how he broke his foot yet?

Nope. Hasn't said a word.

Oh, some people are like that.

They don't like to talk
about their personal injuries.

Probably something embarrassing.

What could be embarrassing
about a broken foot?

Maybe he tried
to bite his toenails.

Are you crazy, man?

Who bites their toenails?

Kids do.

That man is a captain in the
New York Police Department.

I know,



but sometimes old
habits are hard to break.

Stand over here.

Hey man, I'm gonna
be late for school.

I'm trying very hard to
get a good education.

That's very commendable

but you better find a better way

of picking up your lunch money.

Take a seat over
there by the desk.

What? Nothing, I
didn't say anything.

What's goin' on here?

I was standing on the subway

hangin' on to a strap

when I feel this kid
going for my wallet.

Yeah?

I didn't know he was a cop.

I thought he was
just another old man.

It ain't fair,

you guys goin' around
disguised like that.

What are you looking for, Fish?

My rubber hose.

Hello, there. I'm back.

Eugene Woolen?

Yes, so you are, Mr. Woolen.

Well, this is it. March 2nd.

What? Oh, yes.

March 2nd, that's right.

Yeah, spring is on the way.

You do remember that
it's been exactly one month

since I turned in that
$3500 I found in the street?

You do remember that, don't you?

Oh, yes, Mr. Woolen.

You haven't let us
forget that for one minute.

Has anybody tried to
claim it since I saw you last?

Since the day before
yesterday? No, Mr. Woolen.

Thank God.

Look you're gonna have
to fill out some forms for us

before you can get your money,
so would you follow me, please?

It's finally over.

Day after day, knowing...

Knowing all that money
was sitting there in your safe.

Well, it was torture.

Tell us about it.

Hey, how long you guys
going to keep me here?

Until you're an old
man, just like me.

The Trujillo boy's mother
is on her way down here.

I said I'd wait for her

before I took him
over to Youth House.

How's your foot?

Okay.

Does it itch?

Itch?

No.

Fourteen years old.

Two years younger
than Billy the Kid.

Does he have any priors?

Not yet.

But next time he will.

You know, sometimes
the skin under the cast

gets dried out.

And it starts itching
all the way down

where you can't get at it.

It can... It can really
drive you crazy.

Maybe you'd better have somebody

from Youth House,
uh, pick the kid up.

Kind of short-handed
now because...

You know, with, uh...

Uh, Harris in the DA's office.

What's the matter? It itches!

I told you.

I am Mrs. Trujillo.

Sgt. Fish?

No, uh, here he is.

Hey, Ma. I didn't do anything,

I swear.

In jail. You're a disgrace.

Nada. I was just standin' there.

He attempted to pick
my pocket, Mrs. Trujillo.

I swear, Ma. The
subway was crowded.

He kept on bumping
up against me.

I thought he was
trying to get funny.

I give you my word,

he has never done
anything like this before.

Have a seat
please, Mrs. Trujillo.

He was never a bad boy.

It is just his age.

They get stupid
and crazy at his age.

I was hanging on a
strap in the subway

when I felt someone
trying to pick my pocket.

It was your son.

I understand.

I'm not a child
molester, Mrs. Trujillo.

I am a detective.

Okay, Mr. Woolen, if you
would sign here please

you can collect your $3500.

It'll be a pleasure.

By the way, what do you
plan to do with all that money?

Well, number one:

I'm gonna eat out tonight.

That won't leave you much
left over for number two, will it?

Uh, Mr. Woolen.

A man with your luck ought
to go out to Aqueduct today.

There's filly
running in the fifth,

ought to go off at about, uh,

20-to-1.

You could pick yourself
up about 70,000.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no. No, not me.

I'd rather die than
bet on a horse.

Me too.

But fortunately,
I got true grit.

It is difficult sometimes

because there is nobody at
home who can handle him.

What about Mr. Trujillo?

Who?

The boy's father.

Oh.

My husband is no longer with us.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I think I saw him over
on 14th Street one day,

but I am not sure.

He just left you?

Yes.

Got up one day and walked away?

Yes.

And it worked?

He was not a strong man.

He did not know how
to handle responsibility,

or a family, or a woman.

May I get you some coffee?

You are very kind.

All right, Mr. Woolen, have
a seat and count your money.

Oh, that won't be
necessary. I trust you.

Oh, no, no, no, no. We
don't want any discrepancies.

We don't have
malpractice insurance.

I'll watch if you don't mind.

Oh, not at all.

It turns me on.

Barney, Mr...

Mr. Woolen's here for his
money, signed the receipt.

Is it a month already?

Yep, March 2nd.

Wait a minute, that's...
That's only 29 days.

Oh. I forgot February
is a small month.

Yeah.

Mr. Woolen,

I'm afraid we got
some bad news for you.

What's the matter?
You're a day early.

Oh, no, I'm not.

I brought it in last
month on the 2nd,

today's the 2nd.
That's one month, right?

Thirty days hath September,
April, June and etc.

Oh, don't do this to me.

Sorry, Mr. Woolen, but somebody
still has 24 hours to claim it.

Oh, please don't do this to me.

I made such plans.

Mr. Woolen, why
don't you go home

and take it easy, huh?

I can't take much more of this.

Mr. Woolen, my grandfather
used to say to me:

"The anticipation
of one's dreams

"is greater than the realization

"of one's ambitions,

unless one blows it altogether."

What?

Think about it.

Yeah.

Uh, Barney? Hm?

Barney, I'm gonna
let the Trujillo boy go.

Okay.

In the custody of his mother.

All right.

It's the first time he
stepped out of line,

and the courts are busy enough.

It's up to you.

I'll have a little talk
with him first, of course.

You do that. You're
very persuasive.

When it itches, it
means it's getting better.

Wonderful.

Ah.

Stand over here.

Do you know how
to smile, Claudio?

Sure.

Then put a smile on your face

and keep it there
while I'm talking to you.

That's nice.

You're going home
with your mother.

However, if you try
anything like that again,

I'll come after
you and fall on you

like an old building.

I said smile.

Now, go and thank your mother

for getting you out of here.

Fish, Bernice on line one.

Ask her to hold on.

Right.

Go ahead, go ahead.

Thank you, Mother,

for getting me out of here.

I am eternally grateful
to you, Sergeant Fish.

He'll behave himself
now, because I told him

I'm gonna keep an eye on him.

You never know
when I may stop by

to check up on him.

Fish, Bernice on line one.

Ask her to hold on.

Right.

Goodbye, Mrs. Trujillo.

Goodbye.

You are welcome
in our home anytime.

Thank you.

Anytime.

Thank you very much.

Listen.

Goodbye.

You have our
address on your report.

That's true.

Fish...

Bernice on line one, I know.

Sorry.

Yes, Bernice.

Tonight?

I-I think I may be
working late tonight.

A... A case. A new case.

Of course you
can go by yourself,

it'll do you a lot of
good to get out alone.

I know you do. I do too.

Goodbye, Bernice.

Look forward to
seeing you again.

Hey, Chano. Hey, Wojo.

Hi, Nick. Coffee ready yet?

Not yet.

How come?

Because I had to get
the children off to school.

Hey, good morning, Fish.

How are you this fine morning?

So I got home later
than I said I would.

What was that, a war crime?

Good morning, Fish, Wojo.

Coffee ready yet, Nick?

Sure. That'll be 10 cents.

I thought the best
things in life are free.

I know, but this
isn't one of them.

Hey, uh, Barn? How's the foot?

Yeah, pretty good.

Hey, Barn.

Come on, how did you break it?

I fell in the toilet.

Fish, how'd, uh...?

How'd it go last
night with the kid?

Can I talk to you for a
minute in your office?

Sure.

Twelfth Precinct, Wojciehowicz.

Where's my dime?

Sue me.

Okay, we'll be right
there. Yeah, just hold on.

Well, Manhattan Security Systems

reports one of their
clients is being robbed.

Come on, Chano. Huh?

Yeah, Acoustics Limited
Hearing Aid Company

over on First Ave.

Good. It's getting
a little stuffy in here.

Oh, hey.

I found out how
Barney broke his foot.

Yeah, how?

He fell in the toilet.

You mean, he slipped
in the bathroom, huh?

Um, I better ask him later.

I still don't see the problem.

You and the boy's
mother hit it off.

We did better than that,

it was very disturbing.

How much better than that?

We were sitting there
in the living room,

Mrs. Trujillo and myself.

Claudio had gone
into the kitchen

to get us more wine.

You were drinking wine?

Like a gypsy.

Anyway, I suddenly
started noticing things.

Her eyes, her
mouth, h-h-h-her neck,

her breathing.

She's an attractive
woman, it's only natural.

Not for me. I thought those
feelings were over with.

And believe me,
Barney, it wasn't easy

convincing myself of that.

Not to mention Bernice.

You should accept it
as a pleasant surprise.

You'd think so. But
why do I have such guilt?

Part of your heritage.

Like heartburn.

I can understand feeling guilty

if you've something
to feel guilty about.

But there isn't, is there?

Not yet.

But she hinted

we should see each
other again tonight.

You going?

I don't know.

Barney, this has been a
terrible shock to my system.

I mean, the wine
and the other thing.

After all this time,
to have desires...

Listen, nature's strange.

I know,

I've spent my
whole life proving it.

Right.

Mr. Newell you have
a right to remain silent.

If you give up that
right anything you say,

can and will be held
against you in a court of law.

Come again?

You have a right
to remain silent!

If you give up that right...

What's going on?

That's Mr. Victor Newell.

He walked into a store,
pulled out this toy gun,

and demanded a hearing aid.

This one.

You have a right

to an attorney.

Mr. Newell has a
hearing problem?

The salesman at the store
pushed a button under the counter,

the alarms are going
off all over the place.

He couldn't hear a
thing, just stood there.

If you cannot afford an attorney

one will be provided for you

at no cost to yourself!

Yes, I was alone.

You have a right
to remain silent...

Wojo, Wojo, Wojo,
for God's sakes,

give my ears a break.

They're one of the few
things I have left that work.

But Fish, I gotta
read the guy his rights.

Wojo,

don't you have that
down on a card?

Uh, yeah, right.

Read this!

I need this?

No! Read this!

Captain?

In a minute, Mr. Woolen.

Okay, no rush.

Barn, how am I gonna
make out this report?

Let him use the evidence. Chano.

You know, it never
occurred to me?

All that yelling,
couldn't even think.

This thing need batteries, Nick?

Why do you ask me?

Made in Japan.

Yeah, but I wasn't.

I think the batteries
are in it, Barney.

Okay, let's give it
a try. Mr. Newell?

Mr. Newell, I'm Captain Miller!

Sure, that's easy
for you to say.

You don't have
to live with this.

Mr. Newell, would
you put this in your ear?

Sure, you're blind or crippled,

people feel for you, help you.

You got a hearing problem,

everybody just gets irritated.

Hello?

Hello.

Is that better?

Well, we got half
the problem solved.

Detective Wojciehowicz is
gonna take the preliminary report.

You know how much
one of these costs?

$350.

Where was I gonna get $350?

Well, there had
to be a better way.

Don't you get Medicare?

No, my children don't care.

They don't.

My daughter, she
writes once in a while.

Maybe the batteries are dead.

Do the best you can.

Uh, birth date?

Coffee will be fine.

Sorry to keep you
waiting, Mr. Woolen.

But sad case, huh?

Man didn't have enough
money for a hearing aid...

Yeah, the sergeant told me.

Well, today is the day, huh?

Seems to be.

All you have to do is fill out
a release form and I'll sign it.

Oh, yeah. Mr. Woolen
filled it out yesterday, Barney.

To save time. Okay,
well, get the money then.

Okay.

Poor Mr. Newell, huh?

Nick? Yeah?

Do you know anything about,

what they call, aphrodisiacs?

You mean that stuff
that makes you feel sexy?

Yeah.

Sure, you know what
they say is the best kind?

What?

Ground-up reindeer antlers.

Really?

Yeah, why do you
suppose Santa Claus

always walks around
with that smile on his face?

Here ya go.

This is atrocious.

I'm gonna pretend
I didn't hear that.

Well, are you gonna sign it now?

Sure, got a pen?

Yeah, here, use mine.

I want to get a thrill.

Okay, Mr. Woolen,
the money's all yours.

To do with what you will.

Oh, I can't believe it.

Ironic, isn't it?

I mean, there's a man with...

Desperate for money.

Here's a man that's
got more money

than he knows what to do with.

Well, his luck'll change.

Yours certainly did. Oh, yeah.

Things come in cycles.

I mean, you win, you lose,

you receive, you give.

You don't expect me to give
him some of this money, do you?

Oh, of course not.

Who's Mr. Newell to you?

Yeah, who says everyone's

entitled to the miracles
of modern science?

Sure, enjoy it.

Buy something useless.

Blow it on a horse.

Make me feel like I'm not alone.

Um, how much does he need?

Three hundred and fifty dollars.

Phew. Heh.

That's a bit of money.

It's quite reasonable
for a miracle.

I'd still have over $3000.

That's right.

Why not?

Ha-ha.

Hey, uh, Mr. Newell?

Mr. Newell.

One hundred, 200,
300, and, uh, 50,

makes $350.

That's beautiful.

Hey, now, put it to good use.

This is...

This is the nicest thing
anybody ever did for me.

I... Hey, don't say
another word, huh?

You know, I never
had the resources

to do this kind of thing before.

It's very satisfying, you know?

Isn't it?

Hey, does anybody
else need any money?

Well, I do have an opportunity
on a horse running...

No, thanks, I'm too proud.

How about a contribution
to the Policemen's fund?

If you feel that way tomorrow,

we'll be here to take it. Oh.

Go home and think about it, huh?

Hey, uh, it's been
a real pleasure

knowing all you guys.

Hey, Mr. Woolen,
you're a great guy.

We're gonna miss having
you around, Mr. Woolen.

Almost as much as your money.

Good luck.

You take care
going home with that.

Captain, what's
gonna happen to me?

Well, I'm afraid you, uh...

You did rob the store

and you are gonna
have to stand trial.

But I'm sure the judge
will take into account

the circumstances.

We'll get you some batteries,

you'll be able to
talk to a lawyer!

There's a little
hotel up the Hudson.

Quiet, secluded.

We'll get a room for the night

have some wine sent up.

Uh, so pack a bag,
I'll see you as soon

as I get over there.

I love you, too.

Goodbye, Bernice.

Old habits are hard to break.

Barney? Huh?

Something I been
wondering about all weekend.

Yeah, what's that?

How'd you break your foot?

I told you.

Uh-uh.

You said that you
fell in the toilet.

Now, that's impossible.

It's possible,

if you're changing
the light bulb

and you think the lid is down.

Morning, Barney.

Good morning, Fish.

How's your foot, Barney?

Oh, pretty good.

Half the time I forget
I have a cast on.

How was your weekend?

Very interesting. I'm
glad I took Bernice.

I don't have those
guilt feelings anymore.

Oh, what's to feel guilty about?

Look, the amazing thing is

that your eye didn't
roam a long time ago.

It happens to most people
a lot earlier in their marriage.

That's right, isn't it?

What do they call it?

The seven-year itch?

I wish you didn't say that.