Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 2, Episode 20 - The Psychiatrist - full transcript

A psychiatrist advises the department to confiscate Wojo's gun.

Hey Chano, you know
what your body's worth?

I, among others, have
a pretty good idea.

Ninety-three dollars.

That's what it says here the
blood and chemicals come to.

Oh, man, maybe that's
what your body's worth.

But, I mean, I got more
than just blood and chemicals.

I mean, there's wit, charm.

Ninety-four dollars.

Come on, come on, come
on, Hey, man, don't push.

Hey, hey, I don't want
anymore trouble out of you.

Hey, look, these cuffs
are so tight I can't breathe.

Oh, I think my wrist is broke.

Hey, I want to see a doctor.

I don't want to hear
anymore out of you

unless it's a confession.

You print him?

Yeah, and it wasn't easy.

What do you got on him?

Positive ID from the victim.

I caught him with the purse.

Uh, I'm Lawrence Speigelgass,
Public Defenders office.

I'm a lawyer. Congratulations.

Is there a, uh,
Joseph Bretano here?

Yeah, that's me. Where you been?

Oh, uh, Mr. Bretano,
I'm Lawrence Speigelgass

Mr. Speigelgass,
I'm Captain Miller.

This is Detective Wojciehowicz,
the arresting officer.

Uh, what's he charged with?

He grabbed a lady's purse
over on Fourteenth Street.

Allegedly grabbed a purse.

Yeah, and he allegedly
almost tore her arm off.

May I confer with
my client in private?

Sure, who cares?

Who cares?

They can't do this.

What's that?

My insurance company.

They're raising the premium
on my life insurance policy

$50 a month.

Oh, that's not fair, man.

You ought to pay
less as you get closer.

Captain Miller, I'd
just like to inform you

that I am, uh, lodging
a formal complaint

with the District
Attorney's office

in regard to Detective
Wojahojo's actions.

That's Wojciehowicz.

Uh, that's correct.

What grounds?

On the grounds that he
verbally and physically threatened

the life of my client.

He's nuts, Barney.
All right, take it easy.

There's a definite violation
of Mr. Bretano's rights, here.

Hey, the guy was out of
line. He resisted arrest.

Hey, man, you threatened me.

Oh, blow it out...

Okay, Wojo. Take it easy.

You got a report to finish.

Right, captain.

Now, I don't want to tell you

how to defend your
client, Mr. Speigelgass.

But, uh, I think you should
know that Detective Wojciehowicz

has an exemplary and
unblemished record.

Up until now. Good day, captain.

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I just got off the phone
with Internal Affairs.

They want to see you downtown.

What for?

Seems our friend
Speigelgass wasn't kidding.

He's filed formal charges.

Coercion, intimidation,

threatening the
well-being of a suspect.

Oh, well, that's a
crock of beans, Barn.

I've been looking
though your report.

It says here, uh,

"The alleged purse snatcher,
then proceeded to resist arrest,

to which I suggested
he shouldn't."


Uh, part of the matter
seems to be the suggestion.

How did you, uh, put it?

Well, I don't remember
the exact words.

Was it intimidating?

No, I don't think so.

Well, what did you say?

"I suggest you stop
resisting arrest"?

Not exactly.

How did you put it?

Well, you know,
something like, uh,

"Knock that off or
I'll grab your tongue."

Grab your tongue?

"And pull it out."

I don't care what the
results of my exam were.

X-rays can be, uh, misleading.

Well, so long, you guys.
See you around, I hope.

Where are you going?

I gotta go down
to Internal Affairs.


Well, listen, Wojo, if I
don't see you around, uh,

Merry Christmas.

Hey, uh, Chano. What?

You ever been down there?

Oh, no.

I stay away from those guys.


Not since Pearl Harbor.

Hey, Barney.

Over on Second Avenue,

some guy is, uh, knocking
over newspaper racks.

I wouldn't imagine there'd
be much money in that.

He's not robbing them.
He's just knocking them over.

My mistake.

Boy I'll tell you,

sometimes when I
read those headlines,

I want to knock them
over myself, you know?

Civil War in Angola.

Oil Spills Off the Coast.

Bribes Revealed.

Suede and Leather
Prices Going Up.

Harris, that's what I like
about you: your priorities.

My guy.

Would you please just
take it easy, Mr. Fromkis?

Listen, I'm a man with morals.

And I'm prepared to
go to the chair for that.

Well, would you start by
going to that chair, please?

What do we got here?
Oh, it's Mr. Fromkis.

Of Fromkis Fine Foods.

He's been knocking
over newspaper racks

in front of his delicatessen.

Filthy newspaper racks.

Twenty-three of them.

And each one
filthier than the other.

Yeah, they're laying
all over the place,

busted into and, uh, empty.

I kept all the evidence.

Dirty, filthy evidence.

Plese, would you sit down
over there, Mr. Fromkis?

Barney, we interviewed
some witnesses,

and found Mr. Fromkis
in the back of his store.

I wasn't hiding. I was sorting.

Yeah. Mr. Fromkis has a
very extensive collection

of pornographic literature.


Pride and Prejudice is
literature. This is garbage.

I want all those
people arrested.

Uh, I don't, uh, think
that's possible, Mr. Fromkis.

I'm a taxpayer.
Don't I have the right

to make out a complaint?

You certainly do, Mr. Fromkis.

Uh, Detective Harris
is going to, uh...

Detective Harris? Hm?

Is going to, uh,
catalogue all this material

and he will make out a report,

which will be forwarded
to the proper authorities.

In the meantime, uh, Sergeant...

In the meantime,
Sergeant Amenguale here

has some questions
for you, if you don't mind.

Fair's fair.

Nick, uh, why don't you
get Mr. Fromkis some coffee.


Hey, how did it go?

I don't know.

Who'd you talk to?

Some, uh, lieutenant.

I told him what happened

and then he sent me
down to the doctor.

A head shrinker.

Psychiatric evaluation, huh?

Whatever. Yeah, talk
about a federal case.

Hold on.

Barney, division
commander for you.

I'll take it in my office.

Hey, Fish, you ought
to see some of this stuff.


I need this for
official business.

All of them?

Oh, man, I don't believe it.

Just because some punk cries

about not getting
treated with kid gloves,

I gotta go down there and
spend the whole morning

just looking at dirt
spots on cardboard.

Like I was flaky or something.

Give you the
Rorschach test, huh?

Yeah, whatever they call it.

What did you tell them
the spots looked like?

I don't know. Some of
them look like, uh, animals.

Some of them looked like people.

Some of them looked like that.

It's, uh, required reading.

I'm taking a crash
course in degeneracy.

Wow, look at that.

Oh, I ain't never seen
nothing like this before.

Of course not.

They wouldn't
put stuff like that

in front of the police station.

You gotta walk three blocks.


Here you go, Mr. Fromkis.
Just made it fresh.

Thank you.

You know, you think
you've been disgusted

about as much as
you can be disgusted,

and then something
suddenly happens

and you're more disgusting.

Would you rather have some tea?

That was division commander.


Pending further inquiry, you've
been suspended from field duty.

You're kidding. I wish I were.

That psychiatrist who
did the evaluation on you

has recommended that you
be restricted to... To desk duty

and that you turn in your gun.

But what for?

Temporarily you
are considered a risk.

Barney, that's crazy.
Of course it's crazy.

And it's not the end of it.

Well, I mean, who is
this guy, anyway, huh?

Dr. Paul Nathan Esterhazy.

He's a consultant.
Works for the department.

He's, uh... You know.

What kind of name is Esterhazy?

I think it's Hungarian.


Wojo, the best way to handle
this is through channels.

And I promise you I'll take
it all the way downtown.

Now, just do me a favor:

Relax, spend a few
days at your desk

and let me have your gun.


What kind of risk?

Lucky for him I have
to turn that thing in.

No, commissioner, I am not
trying to ignore medical facts.

What I am... What I am saying

is that Dr. Esterhazy
spent a total of 20 minutes

with... With Detective

while I have worked
intimately with the man

for the past two years.

Therefore, I...

No, I do not have a
degree in that area. No.

That doesn't...

Yes, I certainly would
welcome the opportunity

to discuss it with him.

He's coming down here? What
is he coming down here for?

What further evaluations?

What members of
the Twelfth Precinct?

What do you mean inquisitive?

Hey, boys.

Hello, inspector.

Let's hear it for
the old inspector.

Hey, Wojo, I
understand you're getting

a little reputation, huh?

Going out there, doing
your job, kicking tail.

Good man. Way to go.

Yeah, doing my job and
getting myself suspended.

Ah! Well, you still got
a lot to learn, Wojo.

In time you'll find out
that harassment is a skill

like anything else.

You know, they took
away my gun, inspector.

I know how you feel.
I know how you feel.

I wish I had a nickel for
every time I had to walk around

collecting dust in my holster.

Sure. And, uh, Dr. Esterhazy,

he says I'm
psychologically unstable.

Them shrinks, they're
all a bunch of cockaboos.

Ha! You should have heard
what one of them told me one time

why the reason I ain't married.

Where's Barney?

Oh, he's in there talking to
the commander on the phone.

Ah, well, I'm in
no hurry. I'll wait.

Hiya, Harris.

Hello, inspector.

Yeah, well, your
premiums are way out of line

and... And you're
gonna make a deal

or I'm gonna take my
business elsewhere.

That's right. I'm switching
from reducing term to regular life

because it looks that I may
live longer than I'd hoped.

Uh, I'm Dr. Paul Esterhazy.
I'm looking for Captain Miller.

Oh, he's in his office.
He'll be out in a minute.

Uh, Barn, what...? What
did the commissioner say?

He said it's up to God and
Dr. Paul Nathan Esterhazy.

How do you do?

Uh, he's the latter.

Ah, Dr. Esterhazy.
I'm Captain Miller.

Hi, Barney.

Inspector Luger.

Have you two met?

No, I haven't had
the pleasure. No.

This is, uh, Deputy
Inspector Frank Luger.

From Division, Dr. Paul
Nathan Esterhazy.

Oh, yeah, the shrink, huh?

Well, uh, doctor,

it's, uh... It's come
to my attention

that you allegedly
examined one of my men,

uh, Detective
Wojciehowicz over there,

and that you came up
with some pretty, uh,

rinky-dink conclusions.

Uh, inspector...
No, no, no, Barney.

As one of the commanding
officers of this division,

I feel it's my duty...
It's all right, captain.

To point out a few things..
I'd be interested to hear

what he has to
say. To this klutz.

Fine, and I'm glad to hear that.

You know, Nathan, it
seems to me that you, uh,

got a lot to learn about
the police department.

And I want you to know my men
continuously conduct themselves

in a legal and orderly manner,

especially when
dealing with the public,

most of whom are freaks anyway.

Inspector... No, Barney, no.

There's a time right here
for a little straight talk.

Now, look, doc, I know
you got your job to do, see,

but we got some problems here

in the, uh, law enforcement
business too that...

That you people don't
seem to understand.

Now, you take your
average cockaboo

running around out
there on the street.

Now, you're gonna find
you're gonna have some...

Uh, may I see your
paper, inspector?

Yes, yes, when I
get through with it.

Doctor, I understand, uh...

I understand you're here to
do, uh, some further studies.

That's right, captain,
if you don't mind.

I welcome it.

If you ever want to find
out what makes me tick,

You come down to my office.

See you around, Barney.

Hey, uh, inspector?

Yes, Harris?

The, uh... The paper, please?

I told you, when I
get through with it.

Do you have a room
somewhere where I can work?

Uh, my office.

Thank you.

Make yourself at home.

I'll try not to take up too
much of your time, captain.

Doctor, I know your report
on Detective Wojciehowicz

probably had sound
psychological basis.

Not probably.

But there were
extenuating circumstances

that I think you
should be aware of.

May I see your men in
alphabetical order, captain?

Yemana's gonna love that.

Chano. Yeah, Barn?

Dr. Esterhazy is
conducting interviews.

He wants to start with you.

Why me?


Oh, sure. Puerto Rican

Uh, Barney, I, uh, checked
Mr. Fromkis for priors

and came up zilch.

Tell you what, make out a D.A.T.


Mr. Fromkis, I'm gonna release
you on a desk appearance ticket.

That means you
don't have to sit in jail

waiting for your arraignment.

They'll let you know when
you have to show up in court.

Thank God. I can turn
off the corned beef.

Goodbye, gentlemen.

I'm sorry if I caused
you any trouble.

No trouble at all, Mr. Fromkis.

I don't think any of us
really blame you too much

for what you did.

You seem to be a
man of high principle.

Likewise, captain.

And may I say
that I feel privileged

to live in a neighborhood
that employs policemen

of your caliber.

I hope I haven't caused
you any inconvenience.

Not at all. Not at all.

And I hope that we meet again
under better circumstances.

And I hope that the
doctor heard all that.

Card Number 14, Sergeant Yemana.

Now, what does the
inkblot suggest to you?

Uh, an elephant wearing a hat.

Uh, now turn the card around.

Now, what does the, uh,
inkblot suggest to you?

An elephant lying on his back

wearing a hat.

I think that'll do. Thank you.

Can we do some
more of these? It's fun.

No, that's sufficient.

How'd I do?

Just fine.

You're not keeping
something from me?

Not at all.

Uh, did, uh, anybody else, uh,

see an elephant wearing a hat?

No, yours was a
unique interpretation.


You know, uh, I'm not Chinese.

That really doesn't
make any difference.

Maybe not now.

Hey, uh, how'd you make out?

I don't know. He just
kept looking at me funny.

You can't tell nothing
from a bunch of dirty spots

that don't look like nothing.

Well, they look like
something to me.

Look like birds and flowers.

Yeah. I saw a few countries.

Uh, France and
Spain and Madagascar.

An enlarged heart.

An elephant wearing a hat.

To each his own.

That's the name of that test.

Captain Miller, may I see
you a moment, please?

Watch it. He's tricky.

Sit down, Captain Miller.

I assume you're
familiar with this test.

It's really very simple.

Uh, I don't mind taking, uh,
part in your survey, doctor,

but we do have a lot of
work to do around here.

It won't take very long and I
appreciate your cooperation.

Now, these cards will
suggest certain images to you.

Just feel free to loosely
associate your impressions.

Card Number 1, please.

Have you come to any
conclusions yet, doctor?

I mean, about the men?

Yes I have, to some degree.

And they are?

I don't think I can
discuss them now.

I'm gonna see that
report sooner or later.

Card Number 1, please.

Uh, it's my understanding that
the conclusions from this test

varies from doctor to doctor.

Somewhat, yes.
Uh, Card Number 1.

Look, doctor, I have a
very vivid imagination.

I can see a hundred images
in any one of these cards,

ranging from the
horrifying to the idyllic,

from the ridiculous
to the sublime

because that's the
way I look at life,

particularly in the
mood I'm in right now.

Now, look, doctor,

you've got my men
on hooks out there,

and I want to
know what to expect

when that report comes down.

You're a passionate
man, captain.

Loyal, dedicated... Curious.

All right, you want to know
what my conclusions are?

Yes. My conclusions are

that my suspicions
are well founded.

And those suspicions are?

That I have never
found a policeman

who should be
permitted to carry a gun.

You're nuts.

Now, look, I have
conducted over 1500 tests

on law enforcement personnel,

and I've always found the
usual irrational responses.

High levels of paranoia.

dedication to concepts

that are fundamentally barbaric.

I just don't feel that
that sort of personality

should be trusted with
a dangerous weapon.

That's insane.

How are police supposed
to function without weapons?

There are people out
there demanding protection

and they're entitled to it.

How do we protect the
public without weapons?

I haven't completely
worked that out yet.

And what are we supposed
to do in the meantime?

I'm not sure.

What about the public?

Should they be
entitled to carry a gun?

Are you cra...?
This is ridiculous.

Then what you
are saying, doctor,

is that no one
should carry a gun.

That's exactly what
I'm saying, wise guy.

Excuse me.

Wait a minute, you
got a point there.

Let me ask you another question.

Between the public
and the police,

just as a general group,

which would you
say is more paranoid?

Oh, definitely
the... The public.

Well, if the public is more
paranoid than the police,

who would you rather
see carry the guns?

The answer is
obvious: the police.

Would you mind putting
that in your report?

Yeah, and while you're at it,

would you add the
special circumstances

in the case of
Detective Wojciehowicz,

who was doing his duty
to the best of his ability,

who was... Who was,
uh, resisted forceably

by a suspect who insulted him...

Wait a minute. Insulted him...

There's an armed
robbery in progress.

A bank over on Eleventh.
Draw some weapons.

Uh, if you don't mind?

By all means.

Something went wrong here.

Something went wrong.

It's getting late,
gentlemen. Good night.

Nick, you can go home now.

You know, you keep looking
at stuff like this long enough,

you start getting tired of it.

Yeah, it's, uh, called
aversion therapy.

Yeah? Yeah, you know,

it's like if you want
to stop smoking, uh,

they force you to keep smoking
one cigarette after the other,

until finally you're,
uh, sick of it.


Well, good night, guys.


Yeah? Where are
you going with those?

Oh, uh, I'm taking the cure.

What do you mean you
don't issue new policies

to persons my age?

Oh, really?

Would you care for a suggestion

of what to do with
that rock of yours?


No luck, huh?

Nobody'll cover me.

Oh, if Bernice finds out I
don't have any insurance,

it would kill her.

And she's not covered either.