Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 2, Episode 19 - Massage Parlor - full transcript

Yes, Mr. Fromkis. I sympathize,

but, uh, we can't close
up a massage parlor

just for giving massages.

No, we need substantial evidence

of illicit activity.

Yes, I agree, a blight.

We are doing something.

We are using proven

and effective police methods.

Well, usually it entails,

uh, an undercover detective



being set up to
be propositioned.

Of course it works,

I've done it myself
many times in the past.

None of your
business, Mr. Fromkis.

What we ought to get is one of
those automatic coffeemakers.

I mean, they filter
out all the impurities.

We tried that once.

But our water won't
go through the filter.

It's 6:30, Fish not back yet?

Nope.

He must be still in the
middle of a massage,

or whatever.

Whatever, yeah.

I just got off the phone



with the Second Avenue
Merchants' Association.

Wow, they still complaining
about the parlors, huh?

Wouldn't you?

They're killing business.

Eh, it's so strange,

when I walk to
work up that street.

"Sex Shoppe."

"Girls Inside,"

"Institute of Physical Love."

And right there on the corner

is a Christian Science
Reading Room.

God knows what goes on in there.

Have you been solicited
in your recent travels?

Not yet.

Hey, man, me neither.

And I was giving
it my best shot.

Charm, intelligence, humor.

I think the girl
knew I was a cop.

She never got
below my shoulders.

Man, you know, I think
what my problem was,

was that no one could believe

that I would have to
go to a place like that.

Oh...

No, I mean, really,
man, you know, I mean,

I just don't look
desperate enough.

Oh, man, get off it.

Hey, hey, I'm not
poor. I can swing it.

I don't understand,
why shouldn't I be able

to take you to dinner
once in a while?

It looks funny.

Just... Did you see the
way the waiter looked at me

when... When you paid the tab?

How?

Well, he acted like

he thought you were keeping me.

Oh, I can't even keep a dog.

How was dinner?

Degrading.

I think I know the restaurant.

Hey, uh, what happened to Fish?

Oh, we're afraid he may
be getting lost in his work.

Well, I hope he
does better than I did.

Hm? The second
the lady touched me,

I started to giggle.

I'm not even ticklish.
Can you figure that?

Hey, Fish, how'd it go?

Hey, come on,
Fish, did you, uh...?

You get a bite?

Fish, any luck?

I couldn't get anyone
to do anything to me.

For any amount of money.

Legitimate, uh, massage
parlor then, huh?

They wouldn't even do that.

All right, I give up.
Anybody got any ideas?

We've sent everyone out.

Uh-uh, correction.

I haven't gone yet.

Wentworth, you know around here

we consider you an equal,

however, certain assignments

carry certain biological, uh...

Barney, they got places
that cater to both sexes.

They got male personnel

that, uh, entertain housewives

that got a few
hours to kill, right?

Well, she's right Barney.

My place had both kinds.

It never occurred to me.

No, uh, Barney,
no, that's crazy.

I mean, it's backward.

And... And, uh...
Uh, beside that,

it ain't decent.

I notice you weren't so
upset when Fish went.

But that's different.

I mean, nothing could
happen with Fish.

Wojo, if Wentworth wants
to give it a try, why not?

Yeah. What have I got to lose?

It's just an expression.

Yeah, okay, we'll get
somebody over there right away.

Uh, Barney?

There's a, uh...

A mugging in one of
the apartment buildings

over on Fourteenth Street.

Uh... you and, uh, Chano.

Okay.

You not, uh...

You don't seem
too happy about it.

Oh, well, I don't know,
you know, I mean, uh,

after the Emporium
of Cosmic Love,

everything else seems so, uh,

mundane.

You sure nothing happened?

You know, Nick, Bernice
used to massage me.

Rub my back, smooth my brow,

blow on my neck.

What for?

My very words.

I'm a relatively attractive man,

aren't I, Nick?

I don't let myself
think about it.

When Bernice and I first met,

she told me she thought I was

very good-looking.

But then, all she had
to compare me with

were the men in her family.

Okay, Mr. Fletcher,

you want to have a seat
right over there, please?

We'll get some
information on this case.

Which is it?

Oh, the... The victim. Oh.

Hey, but listen to this.

He says the mugger
was an old lady.

Refreshing.

She was about 5'3,
maybe 120 pounds,

silver hair, between 65 and 70.

Any, uh, distinguishing marks?

Wrinkles.

But it was dark and I didn't

really get a good
look at her face.

Uh, what, uh... What kind of
weapon did she use, a gun?

Oh, no, no. She
didn't have anything.

Mr. Fletcher, you seem to be

a reasonably healthy young
man. You mean to tell me

that you handed over your
wallet to a 65-year-old woman

with no weapon?

Not without a fight.

How do you think I got this?

She, uh, overpowered you then?

She knew, uh...

Oh, karate.

Yeah.

Can you believe it?

Okay, Mr. Fletcher. Barney?

Barney, uh, Mr. Fletcher

says he was, uh,
mugged by a little old lady.

You don't believe it?

Are you kidding? The
way he was worked over,

had to be a guy
dressed as an old lady.

Well, there's a lot of
creeps who work that way.

Okay, go in the files,

see what you can find on
someone who uses that M.O.

Right. But, uh,

we don't, uh, pass
up any opportunities,

especially the, uh...

The eyewitness
account of the victim,

so let's see what we
have on older women

with a history of
violent behavior.

We may get an ID
out of it. Come on.

All right.

What happened?

Nothing. All I got
was a massage.

Oh, gee, that's too bad.

Uh, nice try though.

Nothing, huh?

They sent me to a woman.

I'd have settled for that.

Looks like we'll have to figure
something else out, huh, Barn?

But, Barney, I saw other
women going through a door

where I'm practically
positive the action was.

I don't know, I think that my
mistake was, I was too, uh,

aloof.

You saying you want to go back?

Yeah, tomorrow, please?

And this time I'll leave
nothing to the imagination

as to what I'm
in the market for.

Okay, we'll give it another try.

Barn, uh, we only
got one shot at it.

Wojo, are you saying
that I'm playing favorites?

This is a police investigation,

not who gets to be hall monitor.

Forget it.

None of my business.

Uh, I guess I'll start, uh,

checking the ladies, huh?

I'm telling you, I
just can't believe

that an old lady could inflict

that kind of
punishment on a man.

You've learned nothing
from knowing me.

How are you doing, Mr. Fletcher?

Anyone look familiar?

They all look like my mother.

Keep looking, Mr. Fletcher.

Keep looking.

See, uh, women used
to be shy and modest.

You know, Wentworth,
uh, never even blushes.

Well, neither do I.

At least not so
as you could tell.

How are you doing?

Uh, Fletcher's looking
at real old ladies.

What about Chano's theory?

We found three guys,

muggers who've been
pulled in in women's clothes.

But they're all
accounted for. Oh.

Yeah, one of them's in Joliet,

one of them is waiting
on trial over at the Tombs

and, uh, one's in Copenhagen.

Oh.

Any luck?

Well, these pictures,

some of them are awfully old.

I mean, they're yellow
and curling up at the edges.

It'll happen to you
too, Mr. Fletcher.

Uh, Chano, maybe you'd
better bring those ladies in,

just in case and
see if Mr. Fletcher

- can make a positive ID.
- All right, Barn.

Uh, Barney, hang
on, it's Wentworth.

Oh. Yeah?

Good.

Very good.

Okay.

Have them send a squad car over

and padlock that,
uh, massage parlor.

Wentworth got solicited.

She's bringing in the suspect.

Oh, wow.

We blew it and she pulls it off.

How about that?

Wow. How do you explain that?

Experience.

Okay, in here, cowboy.

Well, ma'am, if somebody's
got a talent for giving pleasure

to other people, now,
shouldn't he use it?

Hold still, will you, Lance?

Give a break.

Come on, Lance, be good.

You've been very
good up till now.

Captain, here he is. I got him.

It's a very good bust and I
promise, I can make it stick.

Congratulations.

You know that
door I told you about,

that I saw women going through?

Yeah. Well, I went through it

and I found him and I found a...

It was... They
had... They had a...

You won't believe
what they had in there.

I heard. Continue
telling me in my office.

Uh, Wojo, uh, do the
preliminary report, will you?

Sure, I don't care.

Hey, sir?

If somebody's got a
God-given talent, now...

Now, shouldn't
they utilize it, huh?

Do you sing?

Yeah, and he's gonna lose
his voice if he ain't careful.

Sit down, buckaroo.

Okay.

What's your name?

Lance Peterson.

"Lance."

So I said: "Hey, cut it out,
I'm a police officer, buster."

And he's laughing.

And he keeps on doing it.

So I pulled out my badge.

That was quick thinking.

Yeah. And, uh...
How about the owner?

The owner is, uh...

Oh, Kogan sent a
car to his residence.

He wasn't there.

Oh. You're all right?

Oh, yeah, I'm terrific. I
got a wonderful massage

before I made the arrest.

I had a little knot right
here and it's gone.

Yeah, I've... I've only been
in New York for two weeks.

In the cage.

Yeah, you know, I... I
was gonna work freelance,

but I just couldn't seem
to get much response.

That's fascinating.

Yeah.

Hey, you know, I like
being my own boss.

I guess some women go
for that pretty type, huh?

I'm gonna look
him up for priors.

Well, I'll bet he's got them.

He's probably had
about everything.

He's really an
okay kid, you know.

Yeah, sure.

You know, uh,

sometimes it's kind
of hard to tell when...

When, uh, something that's legal

becomes illegal.

Think you got a case
that will stand up in court?

Yeah, I'm positive.

Yeah? Let me see your report.

Hey, man, I haven't
finished writing it yet.

I'm gonna wait for the movie.

Your tea, Mrs. Oppenheimer.

Thank you very much, officer...?

Sergeant Fish.

You know, you remind
me of my first husband.

Oh, really?

He's dead now,
but you look like him

when he was alive too.

I appreciate that.

Oh! Yeah, there... There...

There's more where
that came from.

Hey, look, you try
that again, my darling,

and I'm putting
the cuffs on, okay?

Oh, that's it. Go ahead.

Cut off what little
circulation I got left.

Uh, Chano, this is,
uh, Mrs. Mary Dexter,

and, uh, this is
Mrs. Eunice Smith,

and, uh, this is
Mrs. Mabel Kleiner.

Uh, don't turn your
back on Kleiner.

Mrs. Kleiner, if
you'd be so kind...

Take your clumsy paws off me!

You lousy bull.

Bull?

Uh, yeah,

I believe that was a term
used for police officers

sometime around the Civil War.

You wanna hear another
term from the Civil War?

Careful.

If you'll, uh, be
seated, please.

Uh, ladies, have a
seat over there, please.

And you right there.

Uh, did you, uh...? You
hear from Fletcher yet?

Uh, not yet.

Hey, boy.

How about some coffee?

For you? Sure.

Hey, ma'am.

Hi. Hi.

Hey, what...? Wat's
gonna happen to me?

I don't know, Lance,

but I, um, checked
you for priors

and you've never done
anything wrong before.

Yeah, I know.

I don't see what
I've done wrong now.

You really don't, do you?

Oh, no, sir. Uh-uh.

Some things you just
don't do for money.

Like playing the horses.

Here you go.

Thanks.

You deserve it.

Ooh.

You know, we tore
apart Cellblock 6

over coffee like this.

Captain, I just checked
Lance for priors.

He's got nothing here,

he's got nothing
back in Oklahoma.

I just think he's a kid

that caught up in a
bad scene, you know.

Well, he's young,
he's got no record,

I guess the judge
would go easy on him

if he promises to find
a new line of work.

Well, yeah, but captain,

I'm not suited
for anything else.

Are you telling me
that's the only way

you could find to make a living?

Don't you have a skill?

Yeah, so I've been told.

I just don't understand

why I've been
brought here, officer.

Gladys, I told you, you
were tentatively identified

by the victim of a
mugging. That's...

Me?

Well, I hardly even
get out of the house.

Mrs. Oppenheimer, you
have quite a record here.

You must have gotten out
of the house occasionally.

I'm a poor lady,

who just wants to be left alone.

Mrs. Oppenheimer, look.

Armed robbery,
extortion, check fraud.

I was just trying to get by.

Look at this: "1948, conviction.

Aggravated assault and mayhem."

According to this you broke
the arm of a certain bookmaker

named Mayer.

He owed me $50.

Oh, well, I see. I understand,
Mrs. Oppenheimer.

Officer, I didn't do anything.

I swear it on my
husband's grave.

Yes. Look at this:
"1957, conviction.

Second-degree manslaughter

in the death of
Frank Oppenheimer."

He started it.

Uh, Chano? Mr. Fletcher.

Oh, yes, Mr. Fletcher.
Thank you for coming down.

That them?

Yes, those are they.

Shouldn't I be behind
a one-way mirror?

Or in the dark with
them under bright lights?

Isn't that safer?

Yeah, but, uh, this is cheaper.

Mr. Fletcher, you have
to face them eventually

to sign a complaint, so...

Uh, ladies, would
you, uh, stand here

by the file cabinet
for me, please,

so Mr. Fletcher can make
an ID. Oh, yes, please.

Right over there. And,
uh, Mr. Fletcher, you, uh,

take a good look, huh?

I will.

Okay, yeah, yeah, thank you.

Barney, uh,

Kogan's got his bail
ticket downstairs.

Uh, run him down, will you?

Okay.

Hey, ma'am?

I'm out now, I'm
getting bailed out.

Hey, darn good. Yeah.

Listen, don't worry
about anything, Lance.

You're gonna be okay, you know.

Hey, you know something,

maybe I'll get lucky and
get me a lady judge, huh?

Just don't... Just don't do to
her what you did to me, huh?

Hey, hey, ma'am,
you know something?

You're about the kindest person
I've met since I've been here.

Well, I'd like maybe sometime
to take you out someplace.

Hey, go ahead.

Just find out how
much he charges first.

Oh, hey, no charge. Uh-uh.

No, thanks, Lance,
but I'm very flattered.

Hey, sir?

What I do isn't
so terrible, is it?

Don't ask me.

I can't even carry a tune.

Mr. Fletcher,
just for the record,

you are saying that,
uh, this is the lady

that assaulted you
and took your money?

Yes, captain.

Mr. Fletcher, this
is Mrs. Krauss,

our cleaning lady.

What?

We put her in as a safety-valve,

for, uh, people like you.

But I was so sure.

Well, apparently that's not
good enough, Mr. Fletcher.

Does she have an alibi?

About 35 policemen.

They all look alike.

Are you still angry about
Lance and everything?

Well, I can't help it.

I mean, I keep won...
Wondering what happened.

Okay, I'll tell you.

I went into this room,
and then I disrobed,

and I took this terrycloth towel
and I wrapped it around my body.

Then I went into another room

and there was Lance,

In his, uh, tight white
pants and T-shirt.

And then I laid down
on this, uh, table.

Facedown. Uh-huh.

And, uh, he starts
to massage me.

And, uh, he massaged me.

Oh, Come on. You don't...

You don't... You don't
have to paint pictures.

I think I can fill
it in for myself.

Not as good as I can tell it.

Forget it.

I'll tell you later
when we're alone.

Yeah?

Gosh, I'm awfully
sorry about that.

Hey, don't worry about it,
Mr. Fletcher, we all make mistakes.

Listen, we'll keep looking
for you, though, okay?

Oh, thank you, very much.

It could be any of them.

Thank you very much Mrs. Krauss,

for your cooperation.

And we'd like to
see, uh, more of you.

No, I don't think so.

How about the, uh...? How
about the others, Barney?

Give them our apologies,
send them home.

It's almost Mother's Day. Yeah.

Barney, uh, I got an idea.

Shoot.

Well, it's, uh,
it's a little crazy.

That's my kind of idea.

Excuse me, ladies. I
was just wondering if...

Hey, what is this?

You shouldn't do
that to a person.

Mm-hm. Your black belt
is showing, Mrs. Dexter.

Would you have a seat over
here, please, if you don't mind?

Right over there, huh? Poo!

Thank you.

Uh, Harris, see if you
can catch Fletcher.

Uh, yeah.

Ladies, uh, thank you very much.

You're free to go.

Yeah. Thanks for nothing.

And that includes the coffee.

My pleasure.

Hey, uh... Uh... I, uh,

I been noticing you
ever since I came in.

Oh?

If, uh... If you play
your cards right,

you might be able to
buy me a drink later.

I'll have to take a
rain check on that.

I'm married.

A rain check? Till when?

Till I'm no longer
married or dead.

Whichever comes first.

Thanks.

Hungry? Wanna get some dinner?

I don't know, I kinda
feel like breakfast.

Well,

I don't mind waiting
till then, if you don't.

We got a couple of men

bringing Mrs. Dexter
down to you. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, in cuffs.

Right, okay.

Boy, that's some lady, huh?

Yeah, seeing her

made me appreciate
Bernice a lot more.

Well, sure.

Be thankful you wound
up with someone who's

gentle... Mm-hm.

Considerate... Mm-hm.

Attractive... Mm...

Let's not get carried away.