Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 2, Episode 18 - Block Party - full transcript

You all right?

Oh, yeah, I'm thinking.

Oh. About what?

Uh, human interest.

My, uh, column for the
newsletter this month.

Oh, yeah, what are
you writing about?

Nothing.

There are no interesting
humans in this precinct.

Why don't you write
about the dolphins?

The fish or the football team?

The fish.



I saw a thing on TV

that said that they're
probably more intelligent

than human beings.

I wouldn't be surprised a bit.

Scientists say that, uh,

someday we're actually

gonna be able to talk to them.

If the dolphins
were really smart,

they won't listen to us.

Here you go. Duty assignments.
Get 'em while they're hot.

Thank you, Barn.

We seem to be shy a few people.

Wojo and Wentworth not here?

Uh... Uh, they're not here yet.



Neither one of them called in?

No.

I think they said they wanted

to go to dinner together.

At 8:00 in the morning?

No. Last night.

Oh.

Barney, is this for real?

Wentworth and
Amenguale, crowd security?

It's not as bad as it sounds.

You're going to a party.
Oh, yeah? Beautiful.

Some civic organization
is throwing a block party

for Vincent Keppel.

Oh, the union organizer?

Yeah. It's gonna
be going on all day.

Uh-huh? Free food.

Oh, well.

Don't we all get to go?

Manhattan South says

that our contribution
is two officers

for crowd security.

You and Wentworth, uh,

kind of mingle around.

All right. Keep your eyes open.

What about, uh, dancing?

Only if you don't
close your eyes.

Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, Barn.

Uh, the subway stuck.

M-Must... Must have
been a-a wreck somewhere.

As long as you're okay.

Oh, yeah. I'm fine.

Sure.

Hi, guys.

How are you, Wojo?

Good morning. How are you?

Okay. Okay.

Here you are, Woj.

Now, you got, uh,
three auxiliary reports

I need in triplicate by today.

Right, Barn.

Darn. That rotten subway system.

Good morning, Janice.

How are you? How are you?

Morning, Chano.
Good morning, Harris.

Good morning, Nick.
Good morning, Fish.

Hello. Morning, Barney.

Aren't you gonna say
good morning to me?

I already did.

Uh...

Look, uh, take
it easy, will you?

Hey.

W-What they don't
know won't hurt 'em.

What don't they know?

Wojo, Wentworth, uh,

could I see you in
my office a minute?

Yes, sir. Sure, Barn.

I told him it was a
wreck on the subway.

Oh, very good.

I can feel it coming.

It's gonna be one of those days.

Yeah, what you got?

Ah, some lady complaining

about a man washing his
clothes in a Laundromat.

Come on, Nick.

What's the matter?
Is he using slugs?

No.

The clothes he's washing
are the clothes he's wearing.

He's sitting around the
Laundromat in the nude.

Shouldn't be too
hard to find him.

You never know in
this neighborhood.

Look, what you do
with your private lives

is your own affair.

Your own business.

But I can't let
it affect the job.

So if it's going to
be alarm clocks,

or train wrecks,

I want you here on time.

Okay, Barney.

Uh, It won't... It
won't happen again.

Okay.

Wojo, you've got
your assignment?

Yeah, Barn. Okay.

Wentworth, you're on crowd
security with Amenguale.

Yeah? What for?

Do you really think you're
entitled to an explanation?

No, of course not.

It was just curiosity.

Cute, isn't he?

Hey, you see, Mr. Burgess,

in order for you to
get a police permit

to carry a gun,

you've gotta be a
bodyguard for a VIP, or, uh,

carry large sums of money.

What do you do? I'm a barber.

Ah. See?

Yeah, I got my own place.

Yeah, but it's,
uh... Two chairs.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Piped-in music,
classy magazines.

Oh.

Yeah, it's not too big,

but I keep it real sanitary.

Hey, sounds like a...

Sounds like a real nice place.

I'll have to look in on you

one of these days.

Don't wait too long.

Uh, when you and Chano

get to that block party, uh,

report to a Lieutenant
Scanlon of Manhattan South.

Scanlon. Right.

I don't think I'll be
able to make it back

in time for lunch.

That's okay.

I think we better cool
it for a while, anyway.

Oh, yeah?

What about tonight?

Oh, that's still on.

Look, I've been held up before

and I don't want
to be held up again.

I know, Mr. Burgess.

It's very unpleasant but, uh,

we all have to go
through it, once in a while.

Yeah. And you said
something about

carrying large amounts
of cash. Oh, yeah.

Right. Okay? Okay.

I got 40 bucks on me right now.

Stick 'em up.

Just fooling,
Mr. Burgess. No, no, no.

Listen, I'll tell you the truth.
It really is not enough money.

It's enough to buy a gun.

Okay, Mr. Burgess, I don't
think you're gonna get it, right?

But if you absolutely
insist. Here.

All right? There
is an application.

Now, you fill that out
and bring it back to us.

All right. Okay. Thank you.

Right.

I just hope I don't get mugged

on the way home.

Hey, if you do, show
them the application.

Who knows.

Psychology?

Okay, I'm all set. Let's go.

Oh, great.

Hey, charming, charming.

Oh, by the way,
Detective Wentworth,

do you, uh...? Do you dance?

Oh, yeah. I do it all. Yeah?

Oh, yeah, hey.

Uh, yes, well, I...

I will do some of it with
you, Detective Wentworth.

Hey, uh, Barney?

How about, uh, a thesis
on the psychodynamics

of the police
officer criminologist

vis-à-vis the, uh,

paranoia of contemporary
urban society?

A little thin.

Uh, yeah.

I'll get it.

I'll get it.

Step inside, Mr. Hurley.

What's the matter here?

Isn't there enough real
crime to keep you guys busy?

What is this?

We gotta have a few
laughs once in a while.

Sit down here, Mr. Hurley,

and be careful.

Remember you're wearing my coat.

I wear clothes 'cause I
have to, not 'cause I want to.

They got dirty. If I
gotta wear clothes,

they ought to at least look
presentable. Don't you think?

Ever hear of sending
your laundry out?

Look, let me ask you one thing.

What's wrong with
the human body?

You're asking the wrong person.

Don't we got any carbon paper?

Nope.

We ordered some but they
sent us toilet paper instead.

You shouldn't have let
Fish sign the requisition.

Yeah, well just be thankful

it wasn't the other way around.

I suppose you guys
never take your clothes off.

Not in a Laundromat.

Or with the lights on.

That's the trouble
in this world.

All natural things are illegal.

And a few of them
are impossible.

Hey, come on. How much longer

I gotta stay here, huh?

I'd say about an hour.

The charge is indecent
exposure, Mr. Hurley.

It's all up to the judge.

And they say that
justice is blind.

That's your only hope.

Hey, uh, Barney,
take a look at this.

"'Precinct Potpourri'

"by Detective First
Grade R.N. Harris.

"Against the grim backdrop
of panic in the streets,

"two police officers
of the 12th Precinct

"carve their own
oasis out of the rubble

"of violence surrounding
their daily lives.

"Cloaked in a cocoon of
warmth and understanding,

they give, one to the other."

Uh, hold it.

Uh, w-what is that?

It's my column
for the newsletter.

You're not gonna print
this stuff where everybody

in the whole damn police
department can read it?

Hey, man, I'm not
using any names.

I mean, it's just a human
interlude that's inspiring.

Yeah, well, uh,

nobody's carved
nothing out of nothing

t-that's anybody's business.

A-And as for that
bunk about a cocoon,

it's just a lot of g-garbage.

Nobody likes a critic.

Harris, you know what
Wojo and Wentworth do

is their own business.

Oh, I... What Wojo
and Wentworth do...

Is nothing any different

than any two normal
police officers would do.

I-I-If they could.

Nobody's gonna invade
your privacy. Relax.

Detective Harris is
gonna find something else

to write about. Right?

Yeah, well, I always did want
to do a piece on censorship.

Twelfth Precinct. Yemana.

I'm sorry, Barn.

I just gotta get some
things on my mind.

Okay. And I just got uptight.

It's clothes!

Wearing clothes
will make you uptight.

That's called "riding up."

Barney. Dispatch
got a call from Chano.

What's going down?

Somebody took a shot at,
uh, Keppel at the block party.

Wentworth broke it up.

Captain Miller here.

Get on the same phone
with Manhattan South.

See what you can
find out. Okay, Barn.

"The Psychology
of Assassination"

by Detective First
Grade R.N. Harris.

"Against the grim backdrop

"of panic in the streets,

cloaked in a cocoon
of warmth and under..."

Of mirth and gaiety,

the block party was...

Oh, man, I can save all of this.

Okay, thanks.

Fish, there's a bail ticket
downstairs for Lord Godiva.

All right. Time to get dressed.

Not in there!

This ain't no burlesque house.

Get in the bathroom.

And whatever you do,

don't throw my
coat on the floor.

You puritan.

What's the big deal
about Manhattan South?

We could've booked
him here. Exactly.

He was my collar,
right? You okay?

That's all I wanna
know. We're fine, Barney.

It's just that we got ootsed
out of the collar is what.

Right. What happened?

Look, we get there,
right? All of a sud...

We stayed together. We mingled
around and then we separated.

We split up. I'm circling...
This guy is making a speech

about the union
and why they decided

not to use their pension fund

to bail out New York City,

because they got
better things to do.

All of a sudden I hear yelling.

I look around, I see a gun.

I grab the guy's arm,

the gun goes off in the air.

I hope to God there's
no airplanes around.

"I'm a police officer," I yell.

"Drop it!" And I yelled
a few other things.

Then I kicked him. To which
he yelled something dirtier

than what I yelled.
And he dropped the gun!

Yeah!

When I got there,
Barney, it was all over.

She took care of it herself.

Didn't even need me.

We had a report that an officer

from the 12th Precinct
used questionable language

to an officer from Manhattan
South. Do you know anything?

No.

Yeah.

There was a
discussion took place.

What was said?

Well, before I can
read this goon his rights,

these two guys from
Manhattan South

start taking over.

"Thanks a lot, girlie,"
one of 'em says to me.

Which I reply, "Sir,
that's my collar.

Wentworth, 12th Precinct."

Which he ignores.

So I replied again.

In questionable language?

No, it wasn't questionable.

He knew exactly what I meant.

Then what happened?

And then they took the collar!

And I'm standing
there like a klutz,

angry and embarrassed,

with my stockings ripped from
his zipper where I kicked him.

All right, Wentworth.

Just relax. Get
yourself a cup of coffee.

This never would have
happened if I was a man.

You know that. Just
get a cup. Relax.

They got him out of there quick.
Nobody even said, "Thank you."

Talk about a couple
of credit-grabbing,

no good sons of... Hey...

Take it easy. I had him, Woj.

I had him. He was mine.

I had him right in my hand.

Oh, my God, I broke a nail.

Hey, Barn.

Barn, this isn't fair.

I mean, they shouldn't be
allowed to get away with it.

I wish I'd have been there.

No, it all happened so
fast, man. You know?

Yeah, but you're
supposed to be a team.

Yeah, but we
weren't holding hands.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Everybody's got work to do.
Let's get back to work, huh?

Look, Wentworth, it's, uh...

It's nice to get credit

but the important thing is you
did the job you get paid to do.

You probably saved a life

and there's a dangerous
man in custody.

So let's not feel sorry
for ourselves and, uh,

try to take satisfaction

in a job well done.

Yeah.

I just don't feel
comfortable in clothes.

Neither do I, but I
wear 'em anyway.

You know something?

You've never known real freedom.

Out of the mouths of babes.

Uh, excuse me.

What is it now,
Mr. Burgess, huh?

I filled out the application.

Very good. Okay. Just
put it right on the desk.

I suppose you people know
that there was a shooting

in the streets just
a few blocks away?

We are well aware of
that. Now you understand

why we don't want
people to carry guns?

Yeah, but that's
attempted murder.

I mean, I'm just a barber.

Mr. Burgess, if I had my way,

I would take every
gun in New York City

and throw it right in the river.

Hey, man, you can't do that.

Then the boats
couldn't get in and out.

Well, how long is it
gonna be before I hear?

I don't know, Mr. Burgess.

There's a lot of lunatics
ahead of you. Okay? Come on.

Well, I mean, what
am I supposed to do?

What if I get held
up in the meantime?

Okay Mr. Burgess... Okay,
I'm gonna tell you what to do.

As a matter of fact, I'm gonna
give you a demonstration.

Now take your finger, point it
at me and say, "Stick 'em up."

Come on, come on, come on.

Stick 'em up.

All right. See?

Here's what you
do if you're smart.

Take this. There's my
wallet. There's my keys.

There's my comb. You
see? You understand?

That's how you fool
them, Mr. Burgess. Huh?

Because nothing you give them
is worth much anyway, right?

So he gets nothing and
you live to buy more junk

until the next idiot comes
along and says, "Stick 'em up."

Right? But the fewer guns
there are out there, Mr. Burgess,

the less guys there will
be to come around and say,

"Stick 'em up." And some day...

your junk will be safe!

In the meantime,
get out of here, huh?

I'm gonna move someplace

where the police have
everything under control.

Yeah? Mm.

All right. Go to Miami
and turn left to Havana!

Yes, there was some
shooting, Bernice,

but no one was hurt.

I'm not keeping
anything from you.

Why would I do that?

I'm fine, Bernice, I
wasn't even there.

You know I wouldn't
go to a party without you.

Hey, uh, you wanna
go get something to eat?

Yeah. Good. Fine.

Where do you wanna
go? I don't care.

I just gotta go somewhere I
can work off this aggravation.

I can't do it eating.

You wanna go bowling?

This is the arrest report.
You want to witness it,

or should I just throw
it in the wastebasket?

It's gonna end up in
the wastebasket anyway.

It's might as well
end up in one of ours.

I know what really happened and
you know what really happened.

Yeah, we'll just
keep it our secret.

I'm Lieutenant Scanlon
from Manhattan South.

Is, uh, Captain Miller here?

That's his office.
Right in there.

Weren't you on my detail
in the, uh, union block party?

Absolutely right.

Never forget a face.

Hello, there. Ever
see this face before?

Can't say that I have.

How you doing, girlie?

Flatfoot.

Take it easy. Okay.

Whether her being there
was a coincidence or not,

she deserves to be
recommended for a commendation.

Come on. I got my
precinct, you've got yours.

And we each got our own
people to watch out for.

You wanna give her something?

Take her out to dinner.
She'll love you for it.

How long were you
on Vice, Scanlon?

Thirteen beautiful years.

You were meant for each other.

So look, uh, "Had she not lunged

"and averted the
barrel of the weapon,

"Keppel would have
been a dead man.

"The bullet meant
for the union leader

"exploded harmlessly
into the ether.

"This reporter wishes
to add his commendation

"to those already proffered

by other department personnel
present at the scene..."

What is that? Shh.

"to Detective Janice Wentworth

"of the 12th Precinct.

"Her actions were
in the finest traditions

of the New York
Police Department."

Why is he saying that?

"Mr. Keppel himself

"is expected to host a
reception for Detective Wentworth

"at his home sometime
in the near future.

"Congratulations,
Detective Wentworth,

from all your comrades in arms."

What is that?

It's my column for the
Police Department newsletter,

the Sentinel of Truth.

We're waiting to
go to press now.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Well, I mean,
fortunately, you know,

being here at the 12th I
just happened to get a scoop.

Yeah, but that
happened to be my detail.

I'm Scanlon from
Manhattan South.

Scanlon? Yeah.

Scanlon, Scanlon...
Lieutenant Scanlon.

I was in charge.

Oh, wow,

you don't seem to
be mentioned here.

Also, that's not the way
the official record reads.

Oh, no. What a shame.

Wow. It seems like there may
be a few questions asked, huh?

All right. What is this?

It's called freedom
of the press.

It's also called extortion.

Semantics.

See you around, Scanlon.

Okay. Ahem. Okay.

So we don't muddy
up the record, hm?

Wedgewood gets a mention.

Wentworth.

Sure. Wentworth. Yeah.

You get a mention in the report.

Commendation.

Big deal.

Certain new facts
have come to light. Huh?

You got a recommend
for a commendation.

Thank you very much.

And if you go down to
Manhattan South again...

well, there's a
dinner in it for you too.

Huh? How about that?

No, thanks. I don't fool around.

Hey, you. You know, you got
a wonderful way with words.

But someday...

it's gonna get you in trouble.

It's the story of my life.

Yeah.

Hey, Harris!

Thank you so much.

I fight injustice
wherever I find it.

Oh, boy, Barney.

He's gonna be
impossible to live with.

Oh, I got you.
Let's go celebrate.

Yeah. Your place or mine?

Shh.

Why do you say, "shh"?

We're grown people.

Right? You like me, I like you.

We got a nice thing going.

Why do you say, "shh"?
What are you ashamed of?

Oh, I'm not ashamed. Squad!

This is Wojciehowicz,
this is Wentworth,

the dynamite couple.

We're going to my house for
a couple of drinks and relax,

and maybe we'll fool around
a little bit, if we feel like it.

And if we don't feel like it,

we'll be in on time.

Right?

Uh... Huh?

W-We'll be in on
time either way.

We'll be in on time either way.

Right out in the open,

that's the way a
relationship should be.

You're probably right.

I remember when
I... After I met Bernice,

I didn't want anyone
to know about her.

Kept it a secret from everyone.

How long did you manage that?

Oh, till about three years ago.