Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 2, Episode 17 - Fear of Flying - full transcript

Although Wojo is afraid of flying, he must escort a bigamist to Cleveland. Meanwhile, the bigamist's New York wife turns up at the precinct. A man turns in an unmarked envelope containing $3,500 in cash, anxious to know when he will able to claim it.



Good morning, Fish.

Would you care to
debate that formally?

No, I just, uh, assumed
you had one once in a while.

Why? Just because
I always go around

with a pleasant look on my face?

Well, I, uh... I guess
you could say that.

Sometimes you have to
look deeper into a person.

Oh, hey, I'm sorry.

Uh, something wrong?

I don't think so.

Unless you think there
is something terrible

about taking separate vacations.

Between you and me?

Oh, good morning, Fish.

It won't work. I
tried that already.

I suggest separate vacations,

right away Bernice
thinks I'm using it

as an excuse to have an
affair with another woman.

That's ridiculous.

You couldn't do
a thing like that.

I mean...

I mean, you wouldn't
do a thing like that...

if you could.

I mean, you're... You're...
You're much too, uh...


Hey, man. Come on. You
never get too old for that.

I mean, that's what they
say in all those, uh, articles

and books they got out now.

Haven't you ever seen them?

Reading exhausts me.

Hi, guys. Oh.

Well, well, well.
Don't we look classy.

You know, uh, with that suit
he's either getting married,

or he's dead.

I just came by to
pick up some things.

I'm going to Cleveland.

He's dead.

Cleveland? Yeah.

What's this about Cleveland?

I thought you were working
out of the D.A.'s office this week.

I am, but I gotta
escort this guy up there.

Go on. Inside.

We're flying out this afternoon.

Who is he?

His name is Frederick Clooney.

He left Ohio to
avoid prosecution.

For what?

He's got two wives.

Good Lord.

Got one in Cleveland
and, uh, one in New York.

Are you a Mormon, Mr. Clooney?

No, no. No, I'm not.

He's a glutton.

No. Actually, I'm, uh, a Gemini.

You know, the twins?


Everything I've always done
in life has always been in twos.

When I was a kid I
had two dogs, two cats.

It just got to be a
habit with me, I guess.

You don't suppose the judge

would take that into
consideration, do you?

Extenuating astrological
circumstances, so to speak?

Maybe, if the
judge is a Capricorn,

but if you catch a
Pisces, you're in trouble.

They ought to throw
the book at him.

Guy's got no
respect for the law,

no respect for women.

And, uh, I gotta chauffeur
him all around the country.

Wojo, that's part of the job.

And boredom is the rest of it.

Well, if you guys wanted
romance and excitement,

you should have joined the Navy.

Being a cop is, uh...
Is going to Cleveland.

Excuse me?

What can I do for you?

Well, my name is Woolen.
I was told to come up here.

Uh, it's about
something I found.

What do you got?

Well, I was on my way to work...

Uh, I'm an accountant
for a plastics company.

When I noticed this file
folder laying in the street.

What's in it?

Well, now, I'm not the kind
who pokes around in refuse,

but this didn't
look like anything

that anyone would throw
away, so I, uh, picked it up.

There's money in it.


How much money?

Thirty-five hundred dollars.

Well, obviously,
someone lost it,

so I'd like to turn it in.

Did anyone see you pick it up?

I don't think so.

Does, uh, anybody else
know you found this money?


There's nothing else in here.

No identification, no names.

I... I realize that.

You know, Mr. Woolen,

if you ever decide
to run for president,

you've got my vote.

Thank you.

You're an accountant,
right, Mr. Woolen?

I mean, they don't make
much money, do they?

Oh, I get by.

Mr. Woolen, you're
a very honest man.

I have to go to the
bathroom, Mr. Woolen,

but it can wait.

Here you go, Wojo.

Have a good trip.

Sorry to leave you shorthanded.

We'll muddle along without you.

Barn, do you think they'd
mind if I drove to Cleveland?

Why would you want
to do a thing like that?

You can fly there in an hour.

Uh, I just wanted to
look at the countryside.

Take my word for it. It
looks better from up there.

Only it's so high.

Well, you got to
go up in the air

otherwise you hit the
trees, the buildings...

I guess so.

Barn, I don't like to fly.

I mean, it's not that I'm
scared or anything like that.

No. Of course not.

Even little kids fly nowadays.

Oh, sure. Nothing bothers them.

Oh, it bothers some of them.

And, uh, the rest
of them I... I guess,

they're just too dumb
to know the difference.

That's the way kids are.

Wojo, if you'd really rather,

I could probably arrange
to have someone else, uh...

Oh, no. I...

The tickets have
my name on them.

You know, Woj, all
of us have to do things

that we... We don't like to do.

I mean, take me. I
don't like to go to parties.

Uh, Harris doesn't like
to do, uh, paperwork.

Yemana... He doesn't
like to do anything.

That's my point.

It... It wouldn't
be so bad, Barn,

if I didn't feel so
helpless up there.

I mean, anything
happens, and bam.

You... You wind up on the
end of someone's putty knife.

Graphically put.

I mean, uh, I... I... I
feel like I got no control.

It... It's frightening,
you know, Barn?

It's a question of
learning to trust people.

I... I do.

Only not up there.

Wojo, there are no guarantees,

but, uh, sooner or later
you gotta have a little faith

in the law of averages

and in other people's
ability to perform.

Otherwise, life can be pretty
frustrating and, uh, lonesome,

you know, huh?


You gotta go, you gotta go.

No. No, you don't?

Of course we do,

but what... What...
What I'm trying to say

is we have to take chances.

Well, you ought to
understand that. You're a cop.

Right. Yeah.

You got a job to do,
you go out and do it.

Even if it kills you.

Barn, you got another minute?

All right. Here you
go, Mr. Woolen.

A receipt for the money.

We'll keep it here in the safe

and if nobody
claims it in 30 days,

the $3500 is yours.

Boy, that's a lot of money.

It certainly is.

Suppose somebody claims it?

Then some grateful citizen

will have benefited
from your honesty.

And I'm out $3500.

That's about the
size of it, Mr. Woolen.

Well, uh, it's been
nice meeting all of you.

Yeah. You're one in
a million, Mr. Woolen.

Yeah. I won't be
able to sleep tonight.

You, uh, keep in
touch, Mr. Woolen, huh?

Oh, I, uh... I
shall. Yeah. I shall.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

You see that?

I mean, it does pay to
keep your eyes open.

I mean, there's no
telling what you're liable

to pick up out
there in the street.

Yeah. That's how I
met my second wife.

Hey, Woj.

When's, uh...? When's
your plane leave, man?

Few hours.

- Hey, Wojo.
- Yeah?

Uh, did you take out
any flight insurance?



Here's a buck.

Take some out and
make me beneficiary.

What for?

It's just the gambler in me.

I... I don't think
that's very funny.

Oh, take it. Take it.

I'm trying to help you.

I never won a
long-shot bet in my life.

Sure, why not.

Uh, yeah, Twelfth
Precinct, Harris.

Oh, yeah. Hello, Bernice.

Uh-huh. Yeah, just a minute.

Uh, Fish? Yeah?

It's your wife.


Guess who this is?

Bernice, I don't have
time to play games.

What's the matter?

Do we have to discuss it now?

Bernice, love and vacations
have nothing to do with each other.

One is designed for
rest, the other is not.

Bernice, people who hate each
other go on separate vacations.

People who love each other
should at least be entitled

to the same privilege.



She hung up.


Well, personally, I admire
people who make quick decisions.

I mean, none of that
mamby-pamby, "Goodbye,

I'll talk to you
later," you know?

"Call me next week." Yeah,
"Have a nice... "No, no, no.

Quick, right from here
to here. Quick. Finish.

Hey, uh, Harris, you...
You've flown a lot.

Where's the best place to sit?

Depends on whether you're
interested in safety or fun.

I want the law of
averages on my side.

Hey, man, you already got that.

I mean, anyplace
is safer than this city.

Uh, personally, I like to
sit just behind the wing.

Nobody asked your opinion.

People with two wives
don't have opinions.

They just nod a lot.

Hey, Wojo, here's
something for you

I think, uh... I think you might
be interested in, you know?

Take it on the plane with you.

"Fear of Flying"?

Yeah. Tkae it on the plane.

I mean, I think you'll enjoy it.

Oh, it's not one of those
scientific books, is it,

like a lot of big words?


Little words.

As a matter of fact, most of
them only have four letters.

Hey, thanks a lot, Harris.


Uh, can I help you?

I would like to see
Frederick Clooney.

I'm Mrs. Clooney.

Oh. Um...

Are you alone?

Ah, well, he's right there.

Gloria, why did you come here?

They told me where
you were, Frederick.

Gloria, uh, there's
nothing more to say.

Oh, I... I realize that.

I just came to say goodbye.

Gloria, you're gonna
find somebody new.

You're gonna build a
whole new life for yourself.

There's nothing you
have to say, Fred.

I understand perfectly.

May I use your bathroom?

Oh, certainly.

It's right over there.

Thank you.

Nick, uh, while Wojo's away,

we're gonna have to make
some changes in the duty roster.

You and, uh, Chano,
it'll be Harris and Fish,

then to, uh...

Who's that? Mrs. Clooney.

Which one? Ours.

Gloria, Gloria, hey,
are you all right?

Oh, I'm fine now, Fred.


That's my girl.

Goodbye, Fred.

Goodbye, Gloria.

Hey, what...? What's this?

Sleeping pills. Oh.

Uh, you didn't leave me any.

That's right, Fred.

When I say goodbye,
I mean goodbye.


Hey, somebody better stop her.

She just swallowed a
whole bottle of sleeping pills.

I'd better get in
there while I can.

Wojo, get on the
phone to, uh, Bellevue.

Tell them we... We
got a possible OD.

Mrs... Mrs. Clooney,
what was it you took?

Why did you have
to do this to yourself?

Isn't it enough
I'm going to jail?

It's not important, Fred.

It's stupid of you to throw
your life away like this.

Please, Fred. Don't be abusive.

I am trying to maintain
some sense of dignity

in a difficult situation.

Uh, Fish, get on the
phone to this pharmacy

and find out what
it was she took.

Right away. How are you feeling?

Oh, embarrassed.



Deserted. Deserted?

I'm not deserting you, Gloria!

They're taking me
to Cleveland by force.

It's the only way I'd go.

Do you feel any pain?

Just very tired.

Oh, I don't think she
should go to sleep, Barney.

We're gonna have to have
you stand up, Mrs. Clooney.

Come on, we want
to keep you walking.

Keep the blood circulating.

Okay. It's gonna be fine.

Hey, why don't you
let me out of here.

Maybe I can do something.

I think you've done enough
already, Mr. Clooney.

Uh, Barn... Barn.

Emergency Service
Unit's on the way.

They want to know what she took.
Yeah, okay. Hang on. Anything?

They're looking up the
number. We're checking.

Hold on one second.

He was charming,
intelligent, fun.

Of course I had no
idea that he was...

I was gonna tell you a
hundred times, Gloria!

I didn't want to
wreck everything!


It's secobarbital.

They prescription
called for 50 capsules.

Hey! Hey, could that kill her?

It could kill all of us.

Secobarbital, 50 capsules.

Secobarbital, 50 capsules.

We had two phones,
two cars, two beds.

Too bad.

They're gonna be here
in about 10 minutes.

But in the meantime, we gotta
get her to empty her stomach.

You know, upchuck.

All right. Uh,
Nick... Yeah, I know.

Give her some coffee.

And keep pouring it in her.

Two cups ought to do it.

Then he started
taking trips out of town.

Sales meetings, he said.

Oh, Gloria, that was
just on the kids' birthdays.

Was I supposed
to send them cards?

Shut up. Barney,
she's getting heavy.

The stuff's starting
to get to her.

Fish, Wojo, take over.

Easy does it.

Uh, you take cream and sugar?

Hey, is she gonna be all right?

Well, just keep your fingers
crossed, Mr. Clooney. I...

Hey, look, does...?

Does your wife in
Cleveland know about her?

Of course not.

I was gonna tell them
both at the same time.

See that. Sure, that's
why he's got two phones.

Hello, there.

Did you, uh, forget
something, Mr. Woolen?

No. I was justwondering if
anybody claimed the money yet.

Look, we told you to come
back in 30 days, not 30 minutes.

Who's this?

It's, uh, Mr. Woolen.

He found $3500 in
cash and he turned it in.

Really? That's very
honest of you, Mr. Woolen.

Listen, if you ever
decide to run for mayor,

you got my vote.

Uh, I already
promised him president.

I could have given him kids.

I've got a great body for kids.

I'm built like my mother.

She had four boys, three
daughters and one husband.

Mrs. Clooney, more coffee.

I can't. It's making
me sick to my stomach.

Happens to all of
us, Mrs. Clooney.

Have I come at a bad time?

Oh, it's just a possible
OD, Mr. Woolen.

Oh, that's a shame.
Is she an addict?

No, she is not.

She is just a jerk, Mr. Woolen.

A romantic,
idealist, naive jerk.

Gloria, stop saying those
things about yourself.

Oh, shut up, Fred.

Hello, Mr. Woolen.

Mr, Woolen, is there
something we can do for you?

Well, I was wondering,

I was halfway to work
when a thought occurred.

Couldn't we put that
$3500 in the bank?

That way it would earn interest

and if somebody did claim it,

well, there'd be
a little left over.

I'm afraid we can't
do that, Mr. Woolen.

That would constitute
legal ownership

and that hasn't
been established yet.

Oh. Well, it was just a thought.

Sorry I've disturbed you.

That's okay, Mr. Woolen.

Just come back at the
end of the month, huh?

Has anybody ever turned
in that much money?

I don't have any concern of
that happening, no, Mr. Woolen.

Now, would you...?

Oh, uh... Uh, Fish, hold
her for a second, will you?

I have got a great
body for kids, baby.

Please, lady, I got a hernia.

I had a double.

Chano, come on, come
on. Give us a hand, here.

Let's go. Come on.
Easy does it, now.

Okay, Mrs. Clooney, here we go.

Oh, please, let me
look at him one last time.

We gotta keep you
walking Mrs. Cloo... Oh!

Oh, God.

I had the hots for you.

Don't give in.
Hang in there, baby.

Don't give in, darling.

More coffee coming.

Barn, Barn, it's getting late.

I think I'm gonna
have to miss my plane.

There are plenty more
where they came from, Wojo.

Yeah, I guess so.

Yeah. Harris.

Uh, yeah. Thanks.

Okay, yeah. We'll get
her downstairs right away.

Uh, Barney? Huh?

The, uh, Emergency Service
Unit is pulling up outside.

Good. Fish, come on, let's go.

Bernice call while I was out?

Emergency Service
Unit is downstairs.

Come on. Get her
out. Oh, great. Great.

You're gonna be fine.
You're gonna be all right.

So long, everybody. Goodbye.

Thanks for the coffee. Okay.

Goodbye, Fred. Forgive me.

Oh, there's nothing to
forgive, Gloria, darling.

It was all my fault.

Manners, breeding,
you gotta love the guy.

Okay, Mrs. Clooney, here you go.

You're gonna be
fine. There we go.

It is?

All the way to Cleveland?


Sunny and fair?


Nearest storm is in Fiji.

When do you leave?

One hour.

Have a good time in Cleveland.

You could be the first.


Hey, could we stop at that
hospital on the way out there?

Nope, no time.

Don't worry, you
get one phone call.

You can make it
from the airport.

Which wife you call
is, uh, your business.

I gotta call that hospital and
find out if Gloria is all right.

On the other hand,
I should call Barbara

and let her know I'm coming.

Twelfth Precinct, Harris.

Yeah, hi, Bernice.

Yeah, hold on. Fish'll
be back just in a minute.


Hey, Nick, hey,
you're a hero, man.

The guys downstairs said you
saved her life with your coffee.

That's in very poor taste.

Is she okay? Oh,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's gonna be fine, but, uh,

they're gonna throw
away the ambulance.

I won't be going out
for lunch until April.

Uh, Fish, Bernice
is on the phone.

Make it June.

Hello. Is that you, Bernice?

That felt good.

Could I borrow it for
a couple of weeks?

Makes you want to go:

Hey, Wojo, you're back.

Well, you made it
back in one piece.

Just got in.

How was the flight?

It was okay.


Oh, uh, Yemana,
got your dollar back.

You didn't buy the insurance?

No. I decided to go cold turkey.

Oh, you keep the buck.

It's bad luck now, anyhow.

Hey, Wojo. Hi.

How'd you like the, uh, book?

Oh, I loved it. But it's
not about airplanes.

Oh, no?

No, no.

It's about this woman.

Uh, she... She goes
to Europe and, uh,

whole bunch of
sexy stuff happens.

Oh, wow. You don't mean...

Yeah, yeah. Really.

I don't know why they
call it "Fear of Flying."

Well, were you, uh, afraid
while you were reading it?

No, man. I never
gave it a thought.

Need I say more?

Hey, Barn? Yeah?

I, uh... I got a
confession to make.

What's that?

I got sick on the plane.

Oh, listen, it
happens to everybody.

I myself have used those
little bags myself many times.

What little bags?