Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 2, Episode 15 - Happy New Year - full transcript

On New Year's Eve, Wojo delivers a baby, and Fish tries to stop a jumper.

Coffee ready yet?

Here you go.

For the last time.

Hey, what do you mean last time?

Are we, uh...? We
running out of coffee?

No, you're running out of me.

It's a New Year's resolution.

I'm not gonna make
any coffee in 1976.

Oh, man, that's ridiculous.

You always make the coffee.

It's practically a tradition.



I don't care.

I am fed up to here
with remarks like,

"Hey, you wash your
socks in the coffee?"

"Hey, Nick..."

"Hey, Nick, you might be a
cop but your coffee is a crime."

You make it for a couple
years and see how you like it.

Hey, man, I can't make coffee.

I mean, I might fashion
a little beef bourguignon,

open a couple bottles of wine.

Man, I don't even
fool with coffee.

I don't care.

It's 9:15.

That's probably my last pot.

Hey. Hi, Woj.



Boy, is it, uh, getting jammed
up out there, you know?

Yeah? Yeah.

Happy New Year, guys.

Man, you're not gonna be
doing that all night, are you?

Hey, I'm just trying to keep
you in a good mood, you know?

I mean, just because we
gotta work New Year's Eve,

no reason we gotta be miserable.

No, we don't have to.

It's, uh, just a thought.

Okay, Mr. Jackson, you
wanna stand right here, please?

Careful with my hands.

My fingers are my life.

Pianist? Pickpocket.

Have a seat right over there,
Mr. Jackson. Right there.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Happy New Year to you all.

Happy New Year, Barn.

That's lovely, Wojo.

I didn't know you
played on of those things.

Just, uh, trying to keep
everybody in a good mood.

He's doing a wonderful job.

Everybody here?

Where's Fish?

Oh, he's coming right
behind me, Barney

Bringing in the victim
of this pocket picker.

Oh, first customer
of the evening.

Maybe we ought
to give him a prize.

It's a shame you had
to get me so early.

New Year's Eve is my
best night of the year.

Ours too.

It's getting tougher to
make a buck in this city.

We don't get the
World Series anymore,

all the good fights
are coming from Africa.

Well, you should do
better with the bicentennial.

And don't forget, the Democratic
Convention is coming up.

Well, that's all on the come.

What do I do in the meantime?

Okay, okay, I'll take
your sobriety test.

And what's more, I
ain't gonna pass it.

Would someone get
this man a cup of coffee?

Yeah.

You still got time.

Good coffee tonight, Nick.

You're too late.

Look, just because I'm bombed,

that don't mean
that I don't know

the second I become robbed.

This is our victim?

This is Michael D.
Crowley, Barney.

Mr. Crowley is in the
construction business.

Are you prepared to,
uh, sign a complaint?

You bet I am.

I'm also prepared to knock
his nose right through his hat.

Take it easy. Take it easy.

Violence.

As if that were the answer.

Yeah. No values, Mr. Jackson.

I mean, look around you.

No values.

Here you go.

What's in it?

Don't we wish we knew.

See?

Mr. Crowley is to remain here

until he's sober enough
to sign that complaint.

That could mean February.

Twelfth Precinct, Wojciehowicz.

Happy New Year.

O... Okay, okay. Sit
tight. We'll be there.

Hey, uh, Barn? Huh?

Uh, the clerks over at
Kreisler's Drug Store,

they're holding a shoplifter.

All right. Nick, go with him.

Twelfth Precinct, Fish.

Where?

The Mercantile Building?

What floor is he on?

The 15th?

Yeah, that could
kill him, I gather.

Did you tell him that
suicide was not the answer

and he's got a lot to live
for and all that malarkey?

He didn't buy it.

Well, what does he want?

A piece of what?

Oh, just plain peace.

Well, see if you can
get a net under him

and we'll get someone over.

Barney,

there's a wacko on the ledge
on the Mercantile Building

who says he's gonna
jump unless there's peace

in the Mideast before midnight.

The man's in a lot of trouble.

Somebody ought to
check it out, I guess.

Okay, go ahead.

Just wish he'd have
picked an easier spot, like...

Like Spain or Canada.

Twelfth Precinct,
Captain Miller speaking.

I beg your pardon?

Uh, no, it...

It is not against the law
between consenting adults.

If it's... Hello?

Hello?

Happy New Year.

Yeah, you know, you got
very light fingers, Mr. Jackson.

We almost couldn't
read your prints.

Thank you.

You guys got any aspirin?

Uh, Chano,

would you look in
Fish's desk there

for some aspirin, please?

Oh, sure.

What kind would you like?

We got, uh...

We got pills, we
got time capsules,

chewing gum, liquid.

You pick it.

I'm in no condition to
make a decision anymore.

Yeah, yeah. Well, uh...

How about the time capsules,

in case you got future plans?

Yeah.

Uh, which way's the bathroom?

Oh, how'd it go?

We got a priest up
there talking to him.

But he wants to
talk to Kissinger.

I said I'd take a message.

Did it do any good?

He gave me until midnight

to get the Israelis
off the Golan Heights.

Well, uh, you're good, Fish.

But I don't know.

He said he can't face a new year

with the threat of
nuclear confrontation

between us and Russia.

Well, now, I... I would
say he was crazy,

now I'm not so sure.

He was very persuasive, Barney.

For a moment there,

I was thinking of
jumping with him.

You did what you could.

I haven't tried Kissinger.

Are you serious?

What have I got to lose?

Do you have any
idea where he is?

Somebody ought to know.

Good luck.

Hello, everybody. Hi.

Happy New Year. Happy New Year.

Mwah.

Happy New Year, Fish.

Happy New Year. Happy New Year.

I thought you were gonna
ring in the new with Bernice.

Oh, I am, I am.

And I promise I'll be off
the streets by midnight.

But I wanted you all to know
that you are not forgotten.

So I brought you hors
d'oeuvre and cookies and fruit.

And hats.

Oh, beautiful.

Now, we all get hats
and Wojo only got a horn.

Besides, I wanted
to see you first.

Oh?

Have a little time to fool
around in your office?

What did you have in mind?

How much time do you have?

A couple of minutes.

Oh, well...

that's a good long
handshake, isn't it?

No, no, no, don't
cry, no, don't... Don't...

Don't get upset. No, no.

Chano, Chano, she
doesn't speak English.

She don't understand
anything I was saying.

Oh.

And I don't know what
she's talking about.

I couldn't even read
her my... Her rights.

Talk about frustrated.

What's all that?

That's Mrs. Rodriguez.

She's the shoplifting suspect
from Kreisler's Drug Store.

Wow, man, is she ripe.

You know, it's got
me real worried.

Is there any coffee left?

No, you'll have to get
Barney to make you some.

Happy New Year.

You're one hour, eight minutes
and about 32 seconds early.

Want me to come
back a little later?

I'd rather you didn't.

Life is tough enough
as it is around here.

It's your last chance for
a little scandal in 1975.

You trying to ruin
my reputation?

No, I'm trying to give you one.

Oh, well.

Here's a little something
to brighten up the old

one-two at midnight.

It better be a lamp,
because we're still on duty.

Oh, it's just champagne, Barney.

I think you
deserve a little sip.

I appreciate the, uh, thought
but, uh, rules are rules.

It's only 12-percent alcohol.

You'll still be upholding
88 percent of the law.

Curses. The feds.

Here, I don't know you.

Come in.

Excuse me, uh, B-Barney,
we got a problem.

What's that?

Well, uh, that, uh, shop...
Shoplifter we brought in,

she... She's pregnant. Oh.

Listen, make her as
comfortable as possible, will you?

Uh, no, Barn. I... I mean,
sh-she's really pregnant.

She, uh...

I think she could have a
kid right there on my desk.

You mean she's in labor?

Uh, I... I don't know.

But I think it's
too late for that.

Ask her if she's
had a baby before?

No, no.

Barney, I think we should
get her into your office.

She looks very faint to
me. Oh, no, no, no, no.

Just tell her we're trying to
make her more comfortable.

What'd she say? She
says it's impossible.

Tell her we're gonna try anyway.

Tell her to breathe very rapidly
through her mouth, like this:

Tell her.

Tell her this is my wife

and she's already had
two children of her own.

No, no, no, no.

Oh, that's good.
Breathe, breathe.

How do you say breathe? Respire.

Respire.

Very good. Very good.

Uh, Barn, uh, Bellevue can't
get a doctor here for an hour.

An hour! Doctor's swamped.

God, they... They
won't get here till 12:30.

Oh, wow.

Wouldn't it be funny
if the baby were born

right at the stroke of midnight?

Inconvenient, yes.
Funny, I don't know.

Hey, Barney, there
are 12 obstetricians

in a 15-block area.

Eight of them are either
out of town or out on calls.

Isn't that weird?

Kissinger isn't in either.

I left messages on all
the other exchanges.

You better look
into, uh, paramedics.

What, is she that close?

She's close enough for me.

I'll keep trying.

Yeah, uh, let me help you.

How are you doing?

The State Department
suggested that maybe someone

from the Israeli Consulate here

could explain to the wacko
about the Golan Heights.

And if there are
any promises made,

to be sure to let them
know immediately.

Hello, Mr. Crowley, you
wanna sign this stuff?

What is it?

Complaint forms charging,
uh, Mr. Jackson here

with third-degree grand larceny.

No, I don't sign
nothing until I read it.

Take your time.

Hey, read this for me, will you?

I can't see without my glasses.

It's your standard
felony complaint,

155-30 form.

It ought to get me
about one to five.

With good behavior I ought
to be back on the streets in '77.

A little more resentful
toward society.

With a little less
faith in the capacity

of human beings to forgive.

Hey, wait a minute.

I didn't steal your
wallet, you stole mine.

Vengeance is mine,
sayeth the Lord.

The Lord's got
nothing to do with this.

The Lord didn't walk into
that bar and steal my wallet.

Listen, you got a chance
here to teach a person

a great moral lesson.

You don't want it, get lost.

How is she?

She's okay. She's
a little embarrassed.

She's never been
arrested before.

What, uh...? What
she take, anyway?

Oh, uh, just, uh,
some baby stuff.

You know, uh, some diapers,
uh, talcum powder and baby oil.

Hey, is that all it is?
I'll pay for it myself.

Uh, we offered to.

Uh, they want to make
a federal case out of it.

All right, I'll call them
up in the morning.

Hey, Barney, uh,

there's no answer
at the Consulate

and the United Nations' number

is no longer in service
at the present time.

So I'm gonna go back
to the Mercantile Building.

I only got 20 minutes.

What are you gonna tell him?

I'm gonna lie to him.

I'm gonna tell him that Israel
is moving off the Golan Heights.

But, uh... What if he
doesn't believe you?

Well, I'm afraid we
won't be seeing much

of each other anymore.

Barney, come on. She's in labor.

Are you sure?
Take my word for it.

Well, you ought to know.

Oh, Barney... Uh, just a minute.

Uh, I got one. It's a
Dr. Richard Zimmerman.

He's at, uh, Herkimer General.

Uh, Dr. Zimmerman.

Yes, now, uh, we have
a, uh, a pregnant lady here

who, uh, apparently is in labor.

She is very definitely in labor.

Who is very definitely in labor.

Well, the way the
streets are jammed up,

we couldn't get uh, an
ambulance through or a doctor.

She's never had a child before.

I can't leave her alone. Tell
him I've timed her contractions

and they're coming
two minutes apart.

Uh, her contractions are
coming two minutes apart.

I see.

We're gonna have a baby.

Uh, yes, we're...
We're police officers,

but, um, we've had
just a... A... You know,

certain amount of
emergency medical training.

You know, not... Uh,
o... Okay, pad, pad.

Pad? Uh, hold on. Hold on.

Right, shoot.

Okay, water first, right.

Second stage,
cervical dilation, right.

Bearing-down pain.

Yes, I remember.
Yes, I remember.

Okay.

Try to keep as
clean as possible.

Tie the cord.

Cut the cord.

Keep the baby warm.

And pat his feet. Pat
his feet? What for?

Oh, to stimulate crying.

Got the feet now, huh?

Yes. Right.

Right, thank you very much.

Okay.

Here it is.

Uh, yeah. It sounds
reasonable enough.

Well, I mean,

the doctor's gonna
be here in 40 minutes.

Oh, just in time
for a cigar, huh?

Oh, my God.

Barney, the baby is coming.

Oh, uh, Nick, boil some water!

Yeah. As long as I don't
have to put any coffee in it.

Harris, uh, sheets,
shirts, blankets,

anything you can
find in the storeroom.

Chano, you better
get back in there

and keep
communication lines open.

Right. Do we have
really strong soap?

Uh... Uh, just
the regular stuff.

See whatever kind of first-aid
equipment you can find.

Yeah, uh, Barn? What?

Have you ever
delivered a baby before?

Not yet.

It can be kind of
tricky, you know?

Like, what if it's a breech?

Don't give me any problems.

Barney, I... I just
think I should do it.

I, uh... Once before in
Vietnam I... I delivered one.

By yourself?

Yeah, well, uh, practically.

I mean, there was this medic
there but he... He was all hurt.

I-I did it myself, you know?

What do you know? There
is a doctor in the house.

You don't have
to live like this.

Why don't you do something else?

I'm not a very capable person.

I'm just trying
to hang in there.

So sign it and put me away.

Take your pound of flesh.

I don't want no pound of flesh.

Then take my
wallet, we'll be even.

Hold it down.
Have a little respect.

We're having a baby in here.

Where the hell are we?

Uh-oh... Oh, oh...

How's it going? Oh,
it won't be long now.

How's Wojo doing?
Oh, he's doing great.

You'd be so proud of him.

Don't surprise me.

Once he took a
splinter out of my finger.

Hurry up! She
wants you with her.

The baby's gonna
come any minute.

It's gonna be fine.

It's gonna be fine.

Uh, Twelfth Precinct, Harris.

Yeah, well, if you
snap it up in a little bit,

maybe you'll make it in
time for the christening.

Bellevue, they finally
got an ambulance loose.

They said they'll send
one over in a few minutes.

Oh, big deal.

Listen, if they make
it, they make it.

If not, we've got
it locked, right?

From your mouth to his ear.

Hey, uh...

what happens if
I don't sign this?

Huh? What? Sign what?

The complaint against him.

Why wouldn't you sign it?
The man stole your wallet.

Oh, I just don't
need the aggravation.

You want him in jail,
you put him in jail.

It's not up to me, Mr. Crowley.

It's up to you and a judge.

Then you and the
judge, you work it out

between you, you know?

I got too many problems.

Nick, give Mr. Crowley
back his evidence.

Harris, turn him loose.

Yeah, all right.

You got a break
tonight, Jackson.

You might not be
so lucky next time.

Hey, I appreciate it.

And I... I made a
New Year's resolution.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's hear it.

Next year I'm gonna
work a different precinct.

Promises, promises.

Hey, uh, Happy New Year, buddy.

See you around.

Did you hear something?

That doesn't sound
like anybody we know.

Huh? It's a boy.

It's a magnificent boy.

Hey!

Congratulations...

Somebody gonna
have a baby in here?

Get in there!

You got the right place,
but the wrong tense.

The baby's already here.
Come on, get moving.

Easy, easy.

Oh, Barney, Barney,
he's beautiful.

He's beautiful.
And he's perfect.

From the top of his
head to the tip of his toes.

Yeah. The kid ain't
that bad, either.

Hey, Fish! Fish, we had a boy!

Congratulations.

And according to my
calculations, let's see,

it was about allowing 15 seconds

for whooping and hollering,

it was about two
minutes after 12, agreed?

- Right, right.
- Agreed.

How'd you do?

You win one, you lose one.

I'm sorry.

Here's the baby.

Oh, it's got hair.

Chano.

Oh.

She would like to thank us all.

And she would like to
name the baby after you.

¿Cómo te llamas?

Uh, Wojciehowicz.

¿Qué?

Wojciehowicz.

Just like... Just... Just
spell it just like it sounds.

Wojciehowicz.

Ah, sí.

Adiós. Gracias.

Good night. Bye-bye.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year.

Uh, Mrs. Miller? Yeah.

Um, tell... Tell him...

Tell her "Stan" is all right.

Boy, what a New Year's Eve.

The rest of the year
has got to be downhill.

It ought to be a cinch.

Taxes ain't due until April.

Okay, I'm buying
everybody breakfast.

Come on, let's go, Wojo.

Uh, I don't think I
could eat an egg.

Fish, come on.

Be right with you.

Bernice, it's not bad luck
if you don't kiss your wife

on the stroke of midnight.

Yes, I know we did it last year.

Uh, Daily News?

This is Detective
Sergeant Harris

at the Twelfth Precinct.

I'm, uh, very proud to report

that the first baby of 1976

was born right here
in this squad room.

Uh, yes, ma'am
Yeah, it was 12:02.

What do you mean third?

Story of my life.