Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 2, Episode 1 - Doomsday - full transcript

A disgruntled man wearing a belt of dynamite threatens to detonate himself and the squad room. Wojo arrests a fraudulent priest. The squad room plumbing goes haywire.

This is funny, ain't it?

What's that?

There's no weather
report in the paper.

Maybe we ain't gonna have any.

Must be the spray
cans, you know that?

The weatherman can't see
through all that underarm deodorant

up in the clouds.

Twelfth precinct, Yemana.

Have a look at this, Harris.

Now we gotta pull all
the catalytic converters

off the squad cars.

Oh, wow, we just
put 'em on there.

Gotta take 'em off. Seems
they're eatin' up too much gas.

Hey, look, what's
more important?

Preventing smog or
conserving energy?

Last month, America
wanted to live.

This month, it wants
to go to the mountains.

Is that guy still in there?

Oh, that dude is tearin'
the bathroom up, man.

He makes $22 an hour.

He makes more than
the commissioner.

He's got a more important
job than the commissioner.



Hey, man, how much longer
are you gonna be in there?

I don't know, but you're
in pretty bad shape there.

You got saltwater
coming out of the sink.

And where we
gettin' saltwater from?

I don't know but
it's turning brown.

Oh, well, then it must be
from the Atlantic Ocean,

'cause the Hudson River's black.

Hey, uh, I also found
a hat in your toilet.

Finders keepers.

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Hey, you all right?

I'm getting dizzy

going up and down
stairs all morning.

The only toilet that
works in this building

is on the first floor.

How many times you
been up and down?

Let me see, I had, uh...

I had three cups of coffee...

And, uh, so
that's, uh, five trips.

You know, you better have
a doctor look at your kidneys.

I did see a doctor.

He said it would be
easier to fix the toilet.

Okay, uh, step...

I really am sorry to be
causing such trouble.

Yeah, yeah. Uh, get
over there, will you?

What do you got here?

He's a phony priest, Barn.

He was out in front of
the bank, hustling Bibles.

Hustling Bibles?

You sure?

Well, he, uh, didn't
have any ID, Barney.

And, uh, no permit.

And if there's anything
that ticks me off

it's a guy that uses
God to rip-off the public.

All I did was offer Bibles

in exchange for a small
donation to the church.

Tell him what church.

What church?

The Church of the Street.

Pardon me,

I'm not familiar with that
particular denomination.

It's non-sectarian, for all
of those whose inclination

is to pray
informally, out there.

In the street.

Barney, he's operating
a floating church.

Look at this.

Gideon Bible, huh?

"The Hotel Brevoort."

"The Algonquin Hotel."

"The Hi Hat Inn,
Tuckahoe, New York."

Wherever people wish to worship.

Where did you, uh...

Where'd you get
these Bibles, Mr...?

Uh, what do they call you?

Father Paul.

They can't call you Father,

'cause you're not
a Catholic priest.

But I am a father.

I guess that means
you have children.


Have a seat, uh, Father.

Listen, uh, Wojo, go slow, huh?

I mean, uh, better check it out.

I'm not even too sure
there's been any laws broken.

Barney, he probably
swiped them Bibles.

They could've been donated.

He's makin' a
con out of religion.

Are you sure?

"The Church of
the Street," Barn?

It's possible.

Nowadays, people
need a lot of help.

Better check it out.

See if there is such a place
as The Church of the Streets.

Oh, Barn?

Where do I look?

Try the Yellow Pages.

Going into the
cage, Father Paul.

Can I help you?

Yes, I'd like to see
the man in charge.

Well, that'll be Captain Miller

but he's a little
busy right now.

Uh, will you take a seat?

Thank you.

I'm goin' downstairs
to the bathroom.

Anyone, uh, need anything

downstairs on the first floor?


Twelfth precinct, Fish.

Yes, ma'am.

Describe the scream.


Sorry I'm late.

I had a meeting this morning.

The Internal Revenue Service.

How'd you make out?

Pfft. "Make out." I won.

Beautiful. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I'm not going to prison

and they're gonna let me live.

But very poorly.

What's the priest doing here?

I don't know.

I guess capital punishment
is getting big again.

Well, I say he's not a priest.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I say he's
a rip-off artist.

But, uh, Barney told
me I gotta check him out

so that's what I'm doing.


You know something,
if you're not a priest,

you ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

And if you are a priest,

good morning, Father.

Can I help you?

No, thanks.

Can I help you?

No, thank you.

Everything that can
be done has been done.

Any coffee left?

You're sure a glutton
for punishment.

How long are you gonna
be foolin' around in there?

"Fooling around?"
"Fooling around?"

That is the worst
bathroom I've ever been in,

you know that?

I don't remember
what it looks like.


You know, you guys are always
makin' jokes about plumber,

but when you're in trouble,
who's the first guy you call?


The guy in the cage.

Uh, looks like Captain Miller
is gonna be tied up for a while.

Are you sure there isn't
something I can do for you,

Mr., uh...?

Webber. George Webber.

Yes, I'd like some, uh...

Some warrants, uh, issued.

Who do you want arrested?

Well, first of all,

the governor of the
state of New York.

Oh, you too?

Have there been other requests?

Oh, two, three times a week.

Well, I've got a list
here of accomplices.

Before and after the fact.

You know, Fish,

I expect to pay for
the privilege of living

in this great country of ours.

But I will not be
entirely disallowed.

They didn't let you
deduct anything?

Not one of my
entertainment expenses.

But on behalf of the New
York Police Department.

Who did you entertain

on behalf of the New
York Police Department?

Fish, I have access

to certain avenues
of information

that have to be
entertained once in a while.

Governor, the
mayor, city council.

That's what he said.

I was gonna call
Bellevue, but you said, uh,

"Never jump to
conclusions, check it out."

Did you?

I would've if it
was just the mayor,

but the governor,
that's bigtime.

That's more your level.

You're right.

Hey, man, aren't you a
little warm with that coat on?

Yes, a little.

Well, look, uh, why
don't you take it off?

You know, make
yourself comfortable.

All right. Thank you.

What the hell is that?

Sorry to have, uh,

kept you waiting, Mr. Webber.

I'm Captain Miller.

Don't get up.


Mr. Webber, that appears
to be a belt of dynamite sticks

you're wearing?

That's what it
is, Captain Miller.

And this is a detonator.

Two or three ounces of pressure

and the belt will explode.

And I dare say,

blow up the whole building.

The building goes
up, you go up with it.

That's the whole point.

What would that accomplish?

Just maybe somebody
would pay attention to me.

I'm paying attention.

Look, aren't we all
paying attention?

So why don't you just
put down the detonator

and take off the belt...? No!

Well, then wear it. Wear
it. It looks wonderful.

You put your faith in somebody

and they just
make a fool of you.

I am sick and
tired of being lied to

and robbed and poisoned.

That's the wrong
way, Mr. Webber.

First try a divorce.

I'm not married, I'm
talking about politics!

It's the wrong way
there too, Mr. Webber.

There are elections.

Barney's right, Mr. Webber.

You can't put
someone else in office

if you blow up your vote.

Elections, protests,

These are cries in the wind.

Don't you breathe
the air out there?

We try to keep it down to
a minimum, Mr. Webber.

Well, then read the papers.

Millions of people
doomed to extinction.

Trapped, starved,

no clean water, living in filth.

Well, I agree with you.

The world's in
terrible condition.

I'm talking about New York City.

We try to set an example.

Does anybody care?
Does anybody do anything?

We care, don't we care, fellas?

We care.

And we're gonna do something.

Mr. Webber, we're gonna
do something right now.

Uh, Sergeant. Yemana, I
want you to type out a warrant

for the arrest of the
governor of New York State.

Uh, Chano, you take the mayor,

Right! Barney,

let me take the mayor.

All right. The rest of you guys,

split up the city council.

Harris, I want you
to get on the phone

to the DA's office. You
tell 'em we want action!

Right. Captain Miller,

you and I both know that you...

You can't really
arrest all those people.

Now, don't be such a
pessimist, Mr. Webber.

How we doin', fellas?

Well, I just reached
the DA's office.

He said they're
gonna move, Barney.

Yeah. Right. See,
Mr. Webber? Don't give up.

Mr. Webber!

We're getting a lot of
action for you, Mr. Webber.

Sure. Barney.

I'd like to leave the room.

So would I.

It's the coffee.

It's the coffee, Barney.

Uh, yeah, um, Mr. Webber,

I wonder if it would be possible

for Sergeant Fish to use
the mens' room downstairs?

I don't suppose it
makes any difference.

It does to me.

I have a condition, Mr. Webber.

And between the coffee
an-an-an-an-and your...

And your... Here it is, Barney.

The warrant for the
governor's arrest.

It's all in there, the
violence, corruption, thievery.

He'll get five to ten, I swear.

Here are my warrants, Barn.

Here's three more.

I got the rest of them, Barney.

This is gonna shake 'em up
pretty good downtown, you watch.

You see, Mr. Webber?
We are convinced

that you are committed
to a course of action,

and we are gonna
do everything we can

to help you.

Now, I have one request.

I would like to
clear the building.

That's all right with me, I
don't wanna hurt anybody.

Oh, good. Fine.

Okay, you guys,
clear the upstairs.

Uh, Chano, get that plumber
out of the john, will you?

Barney, he ain't fixed it yet.

Take the first floor.

I was goin' to anyway.

Hey, plumber, come
on, get out of there.

I'll be through... Now! Come on!

Come on, huh?

I mean, you guys are all alike.

The minute you
go into golden time

somebody pulls the plug.

There's a guy here

who's got a load of dynamite.

Oh, listen.

You gotta use a snake.

You'll ruin the
pipes with dynamite.

Look, he's gonna
blow himself up.

Do you wanna go with him? Huh?

Oh, my God.

Just let me get
my tools. Hurry up.

Could you wait a minute?
I just wanna get my tools.

Excuse me, if
everybody's leaving...

Uh, Wojo. Wojo, come here.

Take Father Paul, and
take him over to the 2-7.

Father Paul.

And Captain Miller,

I'd like for the priest to stay.

Would you mind?

Who me? What for?

I-I'd like you to
hear my confession.

I heard you when you
were talking to him.

I'd like to have
final absolution.

You got it.

Thank you.


Hey, uh, Mr. Webber,
this guy ain't no priest.

I mean, his absolution ain't
worth the paper it's printed on.

Well, I don't have
very much time,

I guess I'll just
have to risk it.

You're gonna be all right.

Do you want a Bible?

Haven't you got any shame?

It's on me.

Well, thank you.

Why don't you find
yourself a new dodge?

I mean, you know religion
is sacred to some people.

Hey. I got about
$140 coming to me.

Send us a bill, here
to the station house.

Yeah, yeah, but
suppose it ain't here?

Mr. Buchman,
your life is in danger.

I mean, money can't
be that important to you.

If it wasn't important, I wouldn't
have become a plumber.

Mr. Buchman, we don't have $140.


See, we have to
make out a requisition.

And then it has to go
to police headquarters.

And then it goes to
the controller's office.

If the controller's
office okays it,

then it goes to
borough accounting.

Then it comes back to me
for my approval and signature

and then finally they get paid.

It's the way the system works.

Yes, I know.

Barney, the building's clear.

All right, take off.

Good luck, Mr. Webber.


Uh, you go, I'm staying.

Barney, you don't have to stay.

It's all right, it's all
right, it's all right.

Mr. Webber said he
doesn't want anyone hurt.

So as long as I'm here
nothing's gonna happen, right?

This Bible is in Hebrew.

Barney, they're downstairs, man.

The bomb squad, and
the emergency services...

I wanna try to
convince Mr. Webber

that there's a better way.

Also, I confess, I've
grown fond of this building.

Captain, you'd better go too.

You're not gonna convince
him, look at his eyes.

Take off!

You know, Mr. Webber, you
got one heck of a lot of nerve.

If you wanna knock
yourself off, fine.

Find yourself an empty
lot or a condemned building.

Someplace where
you can't hurt anybody.

Why come over here?

You got one heck
of a lot of nerve!

That detonator...

That detonator may be
sensitive to loud noises.

You gotta one heck
of a lot of nerve!



he just doesn't understand.

Sergeant Amenguale's
a very emotional man.

And he has a high
regard for human life.

He doesn't like
to see it wasted.

Well, that's how I feel.

That's why I'm doing
this, don't you see?

I-I-I-I'm trying to
understand your position

but I must admit,

I'm a little confused,
Mr. Webber.

Corruption, treachery,

fighting in the
streets, pollution.

There's nowhere to hide.

You're not supposed to hide.

You're supposed to
try to make it better.

No, it's too late.

No, it's never too late.

It's all over for us, captain.

It's not all over.
That's the easy way.

Survival is tough
but it goes on.

All it takes is a
little determination,

a little courage,
and a little faith.

Faith? In what?

Human nature, in
science and technology,

in man's initiative.

What about that...?

That sea of sludge

waiting out there 20 miles
off the coast of Long Island?

Breeding every disease
known to mankind.

In a few years it'll be here

and there's nothing
we can do about it.

Also helps to have a little
faith in the Gulf Stream. Heh.

It's hopeless!
It's not hopeless.

It's not hopeless.
Stop staying that.

I mean, if you
don't have any faith,

you might as
well give it all up.

Hold it! Let me rephrase that.

Captain, you'd
better get out of here.

I want to go through
with this commitment

while I still have the nerve.


if you feel the world
is coming to an end.

If you feel we're all
facing final extinction

and you don't have the
guts to do something about it,

you just push that button.

Just give me a couple of
minutes to get out of here.

Of course. Take all
the time you need.

Forget about us, Mr. Webber.

Forget what I said
about this building.

Listen, maybe we'll
get a new building

with some decent
plumbing for a change.

I thought Mr. Buchman fixed it.

You don't have
any faith in mankind,

you have faith in plumbers.

I assumed... Forget
about it, Mr. Webber.

Forget about us.
Don't worry about us.

If this is the only commitment

you're stupid enough to make,

push it!

You don't have to be insulting.

I'm sorry.

Go ahead, walk out.

I'm only willing to sacrifice
myself for the good of humanity.

What do I need with
a little courtesy, eh?

Don't be so thin-skinned.

Thin-skinned you call me?

A man comes up
here out of honesty

and concern,

offering to blow
himself to pieces,

and you can't even
control your temper?

I-I-I'm sorry, I, uh...

I got a little annoyed.

I've had a lot of things
go wrong earlier in the day.

Forget about it. It's just
another disappointment.

But I thought...

I thought you understood
what I was talking about.

Oh, you put your
faith in somebody,

you just get another
kick in the behind.

That's not true.

True? I'll tell you what's true.

None of you are worth saving.

It's not true.

Oh, you'll find out.

You'll find out! One day,

you'll lay your life on the line

and see who appreciates
it. Nobody! That's who.

You'll find out you can't
trust anybody to do anything!

I'll take my chances.

Oh, big deal.

Your cha... I'm
wearing the belt.

What chances?

You're just like everybody else.

A lot of talk and no action.

You're just another coward.

A coward?

A coward, huh?

Now you've gone
too far, Mr. Webber.

Give me the belt.

Come on, give me the belt.


Okay, wise guy.

Oh, baby, are you in for it now.

Wait till they start
to kick you around,

wait till they mock
you, disappoint you,

tear your heart out!

Wait till they refuse
to answer your calls!


Hello, yeah.

Yeah, Chano, it's okay.

Have you got an aspirin?

Uh, yeah, hold
on a sec. Uh, yeah.

Here you are.

Chano, uh,

would you send somebody
up to diffuse this thing?

Thank you.

Yeah, Chano, everything's okay.

Up here, everything's okay.

Out there, you know,
things could be a lot better.


There's saltwater

coming out of that cooler.

Anything I can do, Barney?

Fish, do you know that
there's a sea of sludge

off the coast of Long Island,

40 miles square?

Yeah, I read about it.

And it's coming to New York.
It'll be here in a few years.

Doesn't that worry you?

A little. A little?

What's going to happen when
it washes up on the beaches?

Barney, I can't do
anything about that.

But those are
terrifying consequences.

I know,

but I never go to
the beaches anyway.

Too many women running
around hardly with nothing on.

And, uh, I can't do
anything about that either.