Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 1, Episode 8 - Ms. Cop - full transcript

An overeager female officer disrupts the all-male squad. Chano arrests an obscene phone caller.

Hey, Chano.


Look at this.

A Japanese thermometer factory

just went out of business.

Yeah, how come?

They found traces of
swordfish in the mercury.

If I don't get in
there in two minutes,

I'm going to faint.

I've got four reports
I need typed up.

Wentworth is the best typist

in this joint.

Where is Wentworth?

In the men's room.

I've been waiting 20 minutes.

I feel like I'm drowning.

The stuff's in here.

12th Precinct, Sergeant Yemana.

Hold it, please.

Chano, it's the
telephone company.

The supervisor

wants to report some
obscene phone calls.

Oh. Who is the supervisor?

It's Miss Busch.

You talk to her, huh?

She asked for you.

Oh, why does she
always ask for me?

You have a way with words.

Line two.

This whole business offends me.

Hello, Miss Busch.

Yes, this is Sergeant
Amenguale speaking.

I am fine. How are you?

Good. Good, good.

Yes, I've been
going over the files

and frankly, Miss Busch,

we have enough
disgusting material here

to write a bestseller.

What do you mean, "for example"?

No, no, no.

Well, you see, Miss Busch, no...

I know it's official business,
but if I was to read you

an obscene phone
call on the phone,

this would be an
obscene phone call.

That's right, Miss Busch.

Oh, you have traced one call?

I see.

Well, the next time you
make a contact again,

please get in touch
with us right away.

Yes, of course,

I realize it must be very
embarrassing for you.


You have a very nice
voice too, Miss Busch.


Hey, hey, hey... No, no, no.

The voice never
matches the face.

Yeah, it ain't fair, is it?

Hey, Chano, what's
a four-letter word for


Oh, I'm sorry.

Did you have to get in there?

Only because I'm tidy.



I've got four reports

on that garage
robbery from last week.

Oh, what, you want
me to file these?

No, I'd like you to
type them up first

and then file them.

Captain Miller, this
was not my collar.

I'm aware of that.

Then why do I
have to type it up?

Because, Wentworth,

we make no distinctions
here between male and female.

You're just another cop... who
happens to be a good typist.

It also happens, captain,

that I fired expert at
the Police Academy.


Then don't type
them, shoot them.

Yes, sir.

I hate filling out forms.

I thought when
you did plainclothes,

you did more than
filling out forms.

Oh, yeah, we do

a lot of heroic
stuff around here,

but if we didn't fill out forms,

nobody would ever know about it.

I was better off downtown,
writing parking tickets.

At least I was near
the windshields,

where all the action was.

You left your
lipstick in the sink.

Oh, yeah.

How'd you know it was mine?

None of us is left-handed.

12th Precinct, Detective

Sergeant Amenguale speaking.

Just a minute.


We got a 10-30 in progress

at a bank in the East Village.

Pick up a car. We'll
meet you downstairs.

Fish, check out some weapons.

Let's go, Nick.

Hey, hey, hey, what about me?

Stay here, answer the phones,

and make sure that everything

is, uh, neat.

That's it!

That's what?

The four-letter word for

This is what I came here for.

Let me go with you.

I can be very helpful.

Don't push,
Wentworth, don't push.

There's liable to be
shooting out there.

Look, these men

have worked together for years.

They know they can
depend on each other.

It's always tough
with somebody new.

Especially when that
somebody is a woman, huh?

Being a woman has
nothing to do with it.

It's a matter of confidence.

Look, we'll get to know
you, you'll get to know us.

Don't be so
sensitive, Wentworth.

Everybody thinks
you're a lovely cop.

What time do you want dinner?

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Good morning. May I help you?

Oh... uh, no, thank you.

I'm a regular here.

I'm Elizabeth Miller.
I'm Barney's wife.

Oh, he's not in.

How do you do?

I'm Detective Janice Wentworth.

Oh, you're new.

Oh, yeah, this is my fourth day.

Oh, congratulations.

Welcome to the old one-two.

Oh, thank you very much.

You're welcome.

I have a lot of work. Excuse me.

How is it going?

Oh, coming up on
93 words a minute.

If people knew
that detective work

was 90% paperwork,

they'd never watch television.

I guess not.

Well, I'm very glad

to see that Captain
Miller's married.

I didn't think he liked women.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, I mean, I think
he likes women

in all the old
familiar places...

The kitchen, the
parlor, the bedroom.

You know what I mean?

Not really.

I think it's safe to say

that Captain Miller likes women

almost anywhere he finds them.

Except on the police force.

Did he say that?

No... He didn't have to.

I've been typing and filing,

filing and typing,
and just sitting around

waiting to do something useful,

and the first 10-30
that comes in,

I get pushed aside

and told to mind the store.


That's an armed
robbery in progress?

That's right.

Is that where Barney went?

That's right.

Yemana and Amenguale
went as a team,

and I'm supposed to
go as a team with Fish,

but Captain Miller went instead.

Boy, I really wish
he hadn't done that.

So do I.

Well, see, you're a woman.

You understand what it is

to be a second-class citizen.

How long have they been gone?

Oh, Mrs. Miller, don't worry.

No, no, these men have been

working together for years.

They have a lot of confidence

in each other.

I'm sure that they just

stopped off for a sandwich.

You have no idea

how hungry you can
get after a shoot-out.

It's the thrill of being alive.

Your turn at the
typewriter, Fish.

Hi, honey.

Uh, Nick, will you check
this back in for me?

Yeah, sure.

Well, how'd it go?

Oh, fine.

I heard the reports
over the dispatcher.

There was some shooting, huh?

Uh, a little bit.
Nothing serious.

Anybody get hit?

Just the suspect, but
he's going to be all right.

Any messages?

Excuse me?

Any messages?

Uh, yes, yes, sir.

There was a call from your wife.

And a Miss Busch
from the phone company

wants you to call her back.

Oh, sound serious?

Yeah, I think so.

She was breathing heavy.

How'd everything go around here?

Oh, fine.

I answered all the phones,

filled out all the forms.

I even washed the coffee cups.

Dinner ready?


I didn't think you heard that.

What's the matter, Bernice?

Why do you have to
listen to the police calls

all the time?

Why don't you watch television
and iron like a normal woman?

Nothing happened.

Of course there
was some shooting.

Some guy tried
to hold up a bank.

Now, you know we don't
allow a thing like that.

Yes, Miss Busch.

Yes, it's nice to hear
your voice again too.

You have a call from
him traced to him now?

What's the address
of the phone booth?

Okay. I'm on my way right now.

Thank you.


Well, I've been
described as attractive.

No, Miss Busch, no mustache.


Would you like
me to go with you?

Well, not now, thank you.

I didn't think so.

But maybe next time.

Oh, sure.

This is a brochure
from our travel agent

about crossing on the SS France.

It costs about $4,000, one-way.

Now, these are
the three best hotels

in Paris.

The Plaza Athenee,

the Bristol, and the Carillon.

The villa in the South of France

costs $1250 a week.

Then we fly back to Paris
and then back to New York.

That makes the whole thing cost

about $26,000 for six weeks.

Can we afford it?



How about taking me to lunch?

You didn't have to
go through all that

just to get me to
take you to lunch.

I thought you'd be more
excited about the idea

if you thought that
I'd saved you $26,000.

That's very considerate of you.

Listen, you give up
three more trips like that,

we're on easy street.

Why'd you really come down?

I just wanted to see you.

I spent a very
meaningful morning

with the other
tenants of the building

discussing rent controls

and building repairs,

and then I bought
David a pair of sneakers,

and then I read in the newspaper

about a policeman getting killed

in a bank robbery
in Massachusetts,

and I just had this
overpowering desire

to have lunch with you.

I see.

Besides, at the
group therapy session

for law enforcement wives,

they suggested all this.

I thought they dealt with
a more direct approach.

This week, it's humor.

Some imaginative
joke or bright saying.

Instead of sending
it to the news

and getting five dollars,

you send it to your husband

and you get a lunch.

You got it.

Thank you.

Bernice, I've got to go.

I don't have time
to hear a joke.

I can't take you to lunch.

I don't care

what the group
therapy session said.

I already had lunch.

I'll see you at home tonight.

Of course I still love you.

What else have I got to do?


How long have you
been married, Fish?

I don't know. 25, 35 years.

I don't think I'll get married.
Men have no respect for women.

That's true.

12th Precinct, Wentworth.

Really, where?

All right, I got it.
We're on our way.

What've we got? What is it?

Captain Miller.

Excuse me, Captain Miller.

A guy just checked into

the Fremont Hotel, 11th Avenue.

Clerk recognized him

as an armed robbery suspect

from an APB circular.

Where's Chano?
He's down on a call.


He's still at the armory

and Wojciehowicz and Harris

are still down at narcotics

and won't be back
until the end of the week.

I know, Wentworth, I know.

You think you can
handle it yourself?

I can take a patrolman.

No, no, no, no, no. No uniforms.

I'll go with you myself.

Please, Captain Miller.

You're going to have
to let me go sometime.

What do you say, Fish?

I'd like to, Barney,
but it would kill Bernice

if she found out I died in the
company of another woman.

Phil, that is just terrible.

Okay, Wentworth, come on.

But I'm driving.


12th Precinct, Sergeant Yemana.

Yes, sir.

A stolen car?

What kind of car, Mr. Ravelli?

A Studebaker.

Will you describe
the car, please?

Black fenders... Silver doors...

Green hood...
Polka-dot seat covers...

And a monkey-fur dashboard.

Maybe it wasn't stolen.

Maybe it ran away.

Mr. Ravelli, will
you hold it a minute?

I've got to find a pencil.

Okay, go ahead.

All right, Mr. Hackman.

If you give up the
right to remain silent,

anything you say will
be held against you.

And in your case,

with the record you got
at the phone company,

everything you say

will probably be
held against you.

We've got a nice little
booth here for you.

If you can't afford an attorney,

we will supply one for
you at no cost to yourself.

Do you understand?

I don't have anything to say.

That'll be a nice
change for you.

Call your insurance company.


Don't mention it.

Oh, my God... I ate my eraser.

That group therapy

for law enforcement wives,

it's a wonderful thing.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, they have a free
and open discussion

for about an hour,

a little lunch, an
occasional new hat,

an extorted promise of two weeks

in Martha's Vineyard
next summer.

My wife and I have
never been closer.

An occasional phone call

wouldn't hurt, either.

You're absolutely right.

Is that, uh...

Charles Hackman...
The Voice of Experience.

Oh, sir?

Uh, sir? Sir, excuse me.

I don't mean to be personal,

but did I understand
you to say over there

that your wife is
going through therapy?

Yeah, you ought
to try it yourself.

Yeah, I did a
couple of weeks ago.

Didn't work?

Well, I just never
got to see the doctor.

See, when I called the nurse

to make the appointment,

I, uh... well, you
know what happened.

You know, the
court is going to insist

on some kind of therapy.

Yeah, I suppose so.
You see, I always...

Mr. Hackman, will
you step out, please?

Step right over there
to that desk there.

Sir, thank you for your concern.

Pleasure talking to you.

I don't hear that very often.

Mr. Hackman,
just out of curiosity,

but these ladies
that you talk to

on the telephone,

you ever try to make

personal contact with them?

Well, I have, on occasion, yeah,

but it's usually kind
of disappointing.

You know, the voice
never matches the face.

I know what you mean.

All right, Mr. Hackman,
what's your address?

I live at 675 East
Lansing Street.

And where do you work?

I work at home.

I write verses,

you know, for greeting cards.

Oh, really?

You mean like "Merry Christmas,"

"Happy New Year,"
"Get Well Soon"?


It's ironic, isn't it?

Maybe you ought to
drop yourself a card.


What's your phone number?

I don't have a phone.

You're kidding?

Well, if I had a phone,

then I'd never get
any work done.

All right, stand right
there, and keep it there.

No more nonsense.

Can't I...

You'll get your phone call.

You'll get your lawyer.

You cooperate with us,
we cooperate with you.



Take it easy. Take it easy.

What the hell's
the matter with her?

It's her first arrest.

We got him. We got him.

Without exchanging
a shot, Captain Miller,

we got him.

I got him, Barney.

There he is. He's right there.

Good job. Good job.

You want to hear a report?

I'd like to hear a report,

but I'd like to
hear it from Fish.

Yemana, I think
Detective Wentworth

could use a cup of coffee.

I think she could use a keeper.

Shut up.

How do you like it?

I love it.

Beats all hell out
of traffic control.

No, I mean the coffee.

Yeah, black. No sugar, no cream.

Black, just black.

You got it.

Good for you.

We drove to the Fremont Hotel...

And very slowly, I might add.

Right, and she kept saying,

"Faster, faster."


We determined that the suspect,

Earl Schmidt, was in room 504...

Fifth floor... corner room.


I took up a position in the hall

and Detective Wentworth...

Said, "Why don't I
make out like I'm the maid

and you get on the
other side of the door?"

Right. So...

I knocked on the
door and I go, "Maid!"

"Maid, would you
like your bed...

"Turned down?"

So the door opens

and I move in the room
and draw my revolver.

I go, "Police! Freeze! Freeze!"

The suspect had a gun,

which he immediately

threw out of the window.

Then what happened?

Then I dropped to my knees

and begged her not to shoot me.

Here's your coffee.

Black, no sugar.

Thanks, Yemana. You're okay.

Well, he's your
collar, Wentworth.

I don't suppose you'll object

to filling out this report?

No, sir.

This one is going
to be a pleasure!

Get his cuffs off.

And put them on her.

All right, Schmidt. Park it.

She's high as a kite.

You're telling me.

I took the elevator,
she took the stairs.

She beat me to the fifth floor.

That's... that's a
very efficient lady.

Combat fever.

I've seen it before.

Okay, Mr. Hackman,

you've got one phone call.

All right, Schmidt, this is it.

Let's have your whole name.

Horace Percival Schmidt.

I thought your name was Earl.

That's what I tell
everybody else,

but I ain't keeping
nothing from you.

12th Precinct, Sergeant Yemana.

Hang on.

Wentworth, it's for you.

Yeah, yeah.


What did you say?

Yemana, trace this call.


You've got some nerve

talking to a police
officer like that.

Yes, the trial is next
week, Miss Busch.

Right. Right.

If the District
Attorney's office

needs you to testify,

they will be in touch with you.

Oh, yes, I will be there.

Well... Well, I'm six-foot-one,

about 170 pounds,
brown eyes, black hair,

slightly receding hairline.

You too, Miss Busch?


Yes, sir.

Can I see you in
my office a minute?

Sure, Barney.

Sit down.

I'm going out on an assignment

with Yemana this morning,

and with Chano this afternoon.

Hey, you're
getting real popular.

Just doing my job.

You've been
transferred, Wentworth.

Effective tomorrow.




Some kind of rotation program,

initiating more
women into the field,

giving them a broader
variety of experience.

I thought I was
doing real well here.

You did a great job.

Well, did you tell them that?

Of course I did.

It's just another reason

why they want to
move you around.

But that's not fair.

The men and I,
we get along good.

They have confidence in me.

I don't want to go somewhere,

start all over with
a bunch of rookies.

I appreciate that.

So where are they
going to send me?

Youth House.

Youth House?

Oh, Youth House?

What? Baby-sitting?

It's temporary.

Well, it stinks. I'm not going.

You have no choice.

You are going to go
where they send you,

like the rest of us.

Look, I felt the same way

when they transferred me here.


Just when everything
was going so great.

When did you say
I'm supposed to leave?


Okay, I better go clean
out my desk drawer.

It was very nice

working with you, captain.

See you around.

Wentworth, I hope
you won't take offense,

but I still think
you're a lovely cop.


Oh, excuse me.

I thought this was
the powder room.


Hey! Hey!

I heard the old
one-two was in trouble,

so I thought I'd come down

and give you a hand.

Hey, and not a moment too soon.

No kidding.

We stopped typing two weeks ago

out of respect for your leaving.

That's right.

No one's washed a
thing around here, either.

Yeah, there are green things

growing out of the coffee cups.

Hey, Wentworth.

Barney... How are you?

All right.

How's Youth House?

Oh, I'm moved.

I moved to a more
sophisticated house.

I want you to know,

I've been transferred to Vice.

Hey... Oh, I used to love

that line of work,
many years ago.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Barney.

Oh, look who's here.

It's nice to see you.

Uh, Barney, could I talk to you

for just a minute please?

Sure. What's up?

Could we discuss
it in your office?

Go ahead.

I just finished

another group therapy session.

Oh... Last week, it was humor.

What's the approach this week?


No calls.