Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 1, Episode 7 - Bureaucrat - full transcript

Among others, the 12th hosts a drunken bureaucrat and the 12-year-old who robbed Chano's apartment. Wojo forces the precinct's favorite deli closed for minor health code infractions.

Okay, duty roster for
tomorrow. Four off, four on.

Fish, you and Chano.
Nick, you and Wojciehowicz.

How much longer

is Harris going to
be on court duty?

Tuesday, he was
wearing his brown suit,

Wednesday, his
houndstooth jacket.

Today, he was wearing
the blue gabardine.

He ought to be
through on Monday.

He only has two more outfits.

So long.

Yeah, okay.

Captain, we just
booked this guy.

He's drunk.

Disorderly conduct.

I think that is a total
exaggeration, don't you?

What'd you bring
him up here for?

This isn't a drunk tank.

He's a government official.

His name's Heis.

Name's not Heis.

Name's Heis, not Heis.

Mr. Heis... That's better.

Is it true you're with
the federal government?

I'm with the federal
government, did you know that?

What is your connection

with the government?

I happen to be the chief of

the Bureau of Federal Regional
Development and Planning

for Underdeveloped
Suburban Areas,

Mines, Parks and Indians.

That was my payoff
in the last election.

How do you like that?

They say he delivered 49 states.

Well, donkey dust. Six
of those states were mine.

Soon as the election is over,
he called me into his office,

you know... And he said,

"Ed, that was a bang-up
job you did in the last election,

"and to show my appreciation,

"I'm going to make
you the chief of

"the Bureau of Federal Regional
Development and Planning

"for Underdeveloped
Suburban Areas,

Mines, Parks and Indians."

Well, thanks a bunch, big fella.

What are you doing
in New York, Mr. Heis?

Well, I happen to be involved

in a series of meetings


Did you know there are
over 1,200 federal bureaus

in Washington, D.C.?

The operator says most of
them aren't listed separately.

No number on the card?

There's no room on the card.

Where the hell's Chano?

It's almost lunchtime.
He's not in yet?

Oh, yeah, he called
in. He's on something.

That's good, you
got all the details.

Well, he was hot,

and when he gets hot,
he starts talking fast,

and half of it's in Spanish.

I mean, that's how come

I flunked Spanish
in high school.

You've got to talk fast

or it's wrong.

Latins are very
emotional people.

I flunked Latin too.

You know what I hate?


I hate people
that got no respect

for the property and
rights of other people.

That's what I hate.

Also, promptness. Where
the hell have you been?

Investigating a burglary.


In my apartment.

You mean you got ripped off?

Can you believe that?

You know, on my door,

it says, "Amenguale, Chano,

Sergeant, N.Y.P.D.,"

and in spite of that...

I told you, hot and fast.

What time did it happen?

I don't know, last night,

between 11 p.m. and 6 a.m.

Oh, while you were
sleeping? Yeah.

You didn't hear anything?

I don't sleep in my apartment.

I hope it was worth it.

Oh, yeah.

It's the principle of this
thing that bothers me.

All right, just
try to look at this

as an everyday burglary

and fill out a report.

Yeah, Barney, that's
easy for you to say,

but you know how
embarrassing it's going to be

for me to put my name
down under "victim"?

Oh, my God,

will somebody help me?

Good morning, Mr. Heis.

How are you feeling today?

Am I in an elevator?

Not in this building.

You're in the 12th Precinct,


12th Precinct? Where's that?

On Sixth Street.

In what city?

New York.

You think you can
handle a cup of coffee?

I'd very much like to try.

Nick, let him out.

Try to make him as
comfortable as possible.

Okay, Mr. Heis, mezzanine.

Drinking should be done in
the privacy of one's home...

where it's necessary.

Here you are, Mr. Heis.

Oh, thanks, that tastes great.

Would you like some more?

No, thank you.

I don't think I can
handle what I've got.

Where's the...?

I don't want to hear,
"Murray, where you been?

Where are the sandwiches?
You said 12:15. It's 12:30."

Murray, where you
been? It's 12:30.

I told you I didn't
want to hear that.

Who gets the pastrami
with mayonnaise?

I do. It figures.

Who gets the corned beef

with ketchup?


You should know better.

Two hard-boiled
eggs, cottage cheese,

hot water and half a lemon?

Mine. I'm sorry to hear that.

Ham and cheese?


Turkey-egg salad combo?

That's mine.


Also mine.


Hey, where's my
sashimi and cream cheese

on a bagel?

Here, it's called "lox."

The hell it is. We
had it before you did.

Your total,
gentlemen, is $10.87,

not including a generous tip.

Nothing for the man
from La Mancha?

No, thanks, I lost my appetite,

along with an FM
radio, a wristwatch,

and a sterling-silver frame

with a picture of my mother

on the mantelpiece.

Why would you take

a picture of your mother

on the mantelpiece?

Not a picture of my mother

on the mantelpiece,
a picture of my mother

on the mantelpiece.


Nothing to eat, right?


Here, Murray, keep the
change, if there is any.

Is there any?

It's possible.

Thank you.

Enjoy, gentlemen, enjoy,

and may heartburn
be a stranger to you.

So long, Murray.

Look what I found.

I am the only
policeman in this precinct

who has ever been robbed.

Look what I found.

There's a dead
fly in my sandwich,

right in the middle
of my egg salad.


You sure it's a fly?

Maybe it's a little
piece of olive.

Since when do olives have wings?

When they die and go to heaven.

Hey, Chano, look at this thing.

Look, man, in my neighborhood,

if there's more
egg salad than fly,

we don't complain, so...

Hey, Barn, isn't this against

the Sanitation Ordinance?

I would imagine so, yes.

Well, then,

this should be reported, right?

Don't be such a crime fighter.


nobody else in the
neighborhood delivers.

Hey, guys, look,

what if it hadn't
been a fly, huh?

I mean, what if it had
been a piece of rock

or a piece of metal I bit on?

Wojo's got a point
there. There is a law.

I'm going to call the
Health Department

and have them issue a citation.

It's your prerogative.

Thanks, Barn.

When I see one of my
men so dedicated to duty,

I don't fuss around with him.

No, no, no, no.

We don't allow anybody
from outside the neighborhood

inside the neighborhood,
no, no, no, no.

Yeah, Health Department?

Yeah, this is Detective

At the 12th Precinct.

Yeah, I want to
report a violation

of sanitation code 1707

by a restaurant in our precinct.

Yeah, yeah.

Murray's Delicatessen on Hudson.

It was a foreign object

in my egg salad.

How are you feeling, Mr. Heis?

Any better?

Please, please, don't
shake me like that.

Nobody touched you.

My God, you mean that's
happening inside me?

I'm afraid so.

12th Precinct. Fish.

Speak English, will you?


Yeah, yeah, I'll tell him.

Chano, someone's in
Martinez Pawn Shop

trying to sell your watch.

You're kid... Isn't
that disgusting?

Hey, Barney, look,
I'll be back at...

Soon, huh?


Would you get me a cab, please?

I've got to get
back to my hotel.

I'm afraid I can't do that,

Mr. Heis,

but you can use the telephone,

call a lawyer and arrange bail.

Bail? What bail?

You were arrested, Mr. Heis,

for being drunk.

Disorderly conduct.

Still kicking us around, hey?

We're all marked lousy

because one fella stubs his toe.

Mr. Heis,

the alcohol content
in your blood

was above the legal limit.

I wasn't even in
Washington that night.

I don't keep a grudge, Mr. Heis,

but you were drunk.

Oh, all right.

I do occasionally take a drink,

but it is because
I do not like to fly.

I'm not nuts
about flying myself.

Where's the telephone?

Right on the desk.


We're all supposed
to be perfect, eh?

No one expects a politician

to be perfect, Mr. Heis.

God knows.

I appreciate the fact

we're more or less
in the same business.

We both serve the public.

I'm only trying to help you.

Well, I'm not paying
any damned bail.

Then you're just going to have

to stay locked
up until the trial.


How would you like

to find yourself walking a beat

in an underdeveloped
suburban area?


I'm going to pretend
you didn't say that.

You want to take on
the federal government?

You'd like to lock horns

with the United
States of America?

Operator, I want to
talk to Washington, D.C.,

person to person,

to the secretary
of the interior.

This is Edmund J. Heis.

I happen to be the
chief of the Bureau

of the Federal Regional
Development and Planning

of Under...


The Board of Health

just closed Grossman's

They just called me.

That's the way it goes.

Yeah. That's the way it goes.


Well, Barney...

I'd just like to say
how much I admire you

for standing up
to that politician

the way you have.

Some days, this job is
tougher than other days.

Yeah, I guess so.

People got to learn

they can't play fast
and loose with the law.

You do what you have to do.

You take the consequences
for your actions.

It's like... You and
me against the world.

Those are frightening
odds, Wojo.

I just made this
fresh, Mr. Heis.

Oh, thank... Thank
you very much.

Do you think I could call
the secretary of the interior


You already called three times.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true.

Well, that's Washington for you.

I know what you mean.

We've been trying to
get an income-tax break

for retired police
officers for 26 years.

They haven't called us either.

That doesn't seem fair.

I don't suppose you
could put a word in for us?

I mean, after you get out.

I'll do the best I can.

What did you do to me?

You wanted to kill me,
why wouldn't you shoot me?

You got plenty guns.

What's the matter, Murray?

What's the matter?

There's a padlock on my door

and a sticker,

"Closed by the order
of Board of Health."

Death from a sticker.

Oh, I hope you're happy.

Take it easy,
Murray, take it easy.

Oh, sure, take it easy.

Walk through my neighborhood

and listen to the yelling.

"Unclean, filthy person,"

they yell at me.

Children used to call
me "Uncle Murray."

Now, it's "Dirty Grossman."

I was only trying to
enforce the law, Murray.

Oh, so it was you,
the Polish "Mr. Clean."

All right, all right. Take it
easy, take it easy, take it easy.

What does the citation say?

It says, "Keep your mouth shut

and do what you're told."

Democracy in action.

Relax, Murray.

It says, "Clean the...

Repaint... Refurbish..."

Looks like you're going to
have to remodel, Murray.


Take it easy. It's not serious.

Oh, it killed my brother.

Murray, all you do is
put in a few new fixtures,

a little general renovation.

Oh, don't give me
"general renovations."

What is it going to cost me?

Murray, it's not my department.
Take it to the Board of Health.

They'll give you
all the details.

Wonderful. You
throw me to the lions,

now I gotta go ask

what parts they'd like to eat?

What did he do?

He sold Wojo

an egg-salad-and-dead-fly

I remember when that came up.

All right.

Now, what's your name?

Ricardo Montalban.

You got a great sense of humor.

You're going to have
a lot of fun in prison.

I'm not going to prison.

No? Where do you think
they send you for stealing?


I didn't steal nothing.

All right. What's your name?

Manolo Reyes.

How old are you?


Where did you get the watch?

Somebody gave it to me.

Who gave it to you?

The guy who got his
name on the watch.

And who's got his
name on the watch?

C. Amenguale. He gave it to me.

I got a big surprise
for you, kid.

I am C. Amenguale. What
do you got to say to that?

Didn't you give it to me?

My God.

How old is he?

Twelve years old.
Ain't that a shame?

"Cops and robbers" used
to be a different game.


Somebody wanted to
be a cop once in a while.

Get your stuff back?

Are you kidding? He sold it.

They got him with $40

in his pocket.

You imagine that?

For my picture frame
and a brand-new stereo.

You may be a good burglar,
kid. You're a lousy businessman.

Captain Miller.

Could I talk to you a minute?

Sure. Come on in my office.

Hey, Wojo,

what do you want me to
do about lunch from now on?

Hey, we do what we have to do,

and then we take
the consequences

for our actions.

Are you sure there
hasn't been a call

from the Department
of the Interior?

We wouldn't keep a
thing like that from you,

would we, Mr. Heis?

No, no, of course not.

Well, it's pretty hard to
keep track of all of us.

You know... You know
how many bureaus

there are in Washington?

Over 1,200.

Oh, boy, do they know
how to make bureaus.

Well, they've had
a lot of experience.

You know, I... I
don't blame them

for being upset about me,

because, you see,

this isn't the
first time that...

I've been afraid of flying.

One time, in Kansas City, I
was petrified for three days.

Did you ever try the train?

I'm scared of trains too.

Maybe your problem
isn't travel, Mr. Heis.

Yeah, yeah. Well,
you see... Well...

All I've tried to do is
be a little meaningful,

but it's very difficult

when you're the head of a bureau

that takes five minutes to say

and 30 seconds to forget.

Would you like to
try your office again?

Uh... No, I tried that.

All the extensions
were out of order.

That's the first sign.

Ah, well, what the hell.

What I really
wanted to say was...

could you help me arrange bail?

Barney, there's a lawyer outside

that says he represents
the federal government.

Send him in.

Keep your fingers crossed, E.J.

Captain Miller?


You're holding a
government official

by the name of E.J. Heis?

Mr. Heis.

Oh, how do you do, Mr. Heis?

I'm an attorney with
French, Edgeworth, Blare,

Jackson and Challenger.

How do you do, Mr. French?

The name is Boley.


Wayne Boley.

Now, captain, I have a writ here

for the immediate
release of Mr. E.J. Heis,

and may I say, Captain
Miller, that I am amazed

that this kind of treatment
could have been accorded

a member of the United
States State Department.

Mr. Heis isn't with
the State Department.

I beg your pardon?

I'm a bureau chief.

The Bureau of

Federal Regional Development

and Planning

for Underdeveloped
Suburban Areas,

Parks, Mines and Indians.

I would say, Captain Miller,

you're going to
have a great deal

to explain.

And to whom am I going to
have to explain this great deal?

To the secretary
of the interior,

I would think.

I'm afraid you've used

very poor judgment.

Now, please, Mr. Boley, just...

Let me handle this,
let me handle this.

Let me straighten you out

as to a few facts, Mr. Boley.

Fine, I'd like to get the facts.

All right, the facts are

that this man was brought
into this police station

completely and utterly...

The alcohol level
in his blood...

Above the legal limit.

How much above?

Not much.

Then would it be inappropriate
to say, Captain Miller,

that you are making
a federal case of this?

You could say that, but
you wouldn't be the first.

Mr. Heis, I think
this can all be settled

very simply and very swiftly,

that is unless you wish

to make a point of
the arbitrary arrest.

Arbitrary arrest?

Mr. Boley, I don't think

we can expect
policemen to be perfect.

God knows.

God knows.


Thank you very much
for your hospitality.

My pleasure.

I won't be seeing you again.

Going back to Washington?

I think so.

Flying, Mr. Heis?

Bussing, Captain Miller.

I thought you were closed.

I bring you a bulletin.

Grossman's All-New
Gourmet Delicatessen

will re-open on Monday,

bigger and better than ever.

Hey, that's great.

Forgive and forget.

Pride and progress
sometimes needs a push.

I'm glad you feel
that way, Murray.

I think you should also know

that all prices have been
raised a minimum of 83%.

There goes night racing.

So long, Murray.

Here's your stuff.

You mean you had
to buy it all back?


So the whole caper cost
you $12. You got off cheap.

I'm on probation for a year.

No kidding.

I gotta report to you.

To me?

So I reported. Can I go?

Oh, well... You go to school?


Brush your teeth? Yeah.

Steal anything today?

Not today.