Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 1, Episode 6 - Stakeout - full transcript

Nosy neighbors interfere with a stakeout operation.

Mrs. Richline, the department
store is pressing charges.

You were observed
shoplifting on Monday morning,

Tuesday afternoon,
Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

You want to make a statement?

I don't shop on weekends.

"I don't shop on weekends."

We're gonna have to
book you, Mrs. Richline.

Que será, será.

Sign here.

All right, who've
we got on this week?

Wilson's on vacation,
Yemana's with the DA's office.



That leaves you, me,
Wojciehowicz and Fish.

Uh, Fish, as soon
as you're finished, eh?

Right.

Okay, now.

Here's the garage. It's
162 East Second Avenue.

I guess we ought to set up

in one of these apartment
houses across the street.

What are we looking
for? Heroin. Lots of it.

It's coming from North
Africa through the Middle East,

into Marseilles,
up through France

across to England and
by boat to New York.

Wouldn't mind making
a trip like that myself.

Good, I'll get my
hat and go with you.

Why is it so hot in here?



The air conditioner's off.

No air conditioning? In
the middle of summer?

Power conservation.

Oh, that's marvelous. Marvelous.

And I can't take a
shower for a week.

Oh? Religious holiday?

My wife is re-tiling
the bathroom.

Why don't you try the YMCA?

If it becomes necessary.

The air conditioner's gonna
be off till 4:00 every day.

It may become necessary.

Okay, Barney, what's going on?

Narcotics stakeout.

We expect a drop to be made
in the next couple of days.

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Is that necessary?

Karate?

It's a very important part
of modern law enforcement.

And the yelling?

Can't you learn to
cripple someone quietly?

All right.

DeLucca, you check out
the apartment house at 165.

Fish and I will check
out 167 and 169.

I'll take 171.

There is no 171.

Oh. Well, then what do I do?

You stay here
and mind the store.

How come I can't
go with you guys?

Not this time.

Well, where are you going?

If you don't know, what
do you want to go for?

It's just another stakeout.

Well, how come I can't go?

Hey, remember the last time?

Fish and Yemana went on that
big stakeout on the West Side.

I had to sit here and
answer the phones.

Somebody's got to
stay in the squad room.

When do you want
to leave, Barney?

As soon as I wash up.

Uh, Barney... I got a
doctor's appointment.

Can't you change it?

No. It's an emergency.

What's wrong?

Don't worry about it.

If you're sick, why
don't you go home?

No, thanks. That's
where I got sick.

What happened?

I don't want to
talk about it now.

The last time you went
on that big stakeout,

I said, "Can I go?" You
said, "Not this time."

So I said, "What
about next time?"

And you said, "Yeah."
Remember, Fish?

Of course I remember.

It was a very touching
moment, as I recall.

What do you say, Barn?

Fair is fair.

I didn't think it meant
that much to you.

Well, I like to be with you!

I like to be with you too.

All right, if you want
to go, you can go.

Thanks, Barn.

Don't mention it.

DeLucca, reassign somebody
from the second shift.

Fish, we're gonna have
to draw special weapons.

Hey, let me do it. I'll
go down to the armory.

Let's see, what do
we need? Shotguns?

Tear gas?

Gas masks?

Nice boy.

It takes so little to
make him happy!

This is a very fine apartment.

I think you'll be
very happy here.

I'm sure we will.

You boys been
living together long?

Since the first minute we
laid eyes on each other.

Why?

No, no. No reason.

You're a nice couple.

Mr. Stavelchek,
we'd appreciate it

if no one in the building
knew we were here.

I knew it. I could smell
a cop a mile away.

And it's only 11:30!

Is somebody here in trouble?

We got a very fine class
of people in the building.

Bet it's those broads
on the third floor.

No, it isn't.

The broads on the fifth floor?

We're not interested
in any broads.

At the moment.

Listen, whatever you tell
me is strictly confidential.

You got something
on the guy in 3G?

Mr. Stavelchek,
we're not interested

in anyone in this building.

The way the hall smells
outside of his apartment,

he could be smoking the rugs.

Ain't it against the
law to smoke that stuff?

Not if they're his rugs.

Uh, is the water
on in the bathroom?

You're gonna use the water?

If it's clean.

Well, it's pretty clean.

Well, if you're gonna use
the utilities, I need a deposit.

The police department
will take care of that.

It's a policy with transients.

Yeah, we'll take care
of that. Thank you.

More pills? What
did the doctor say?

He said it was either
a paranoid depression

or something I
ate for breakfast.

What did you eat for breakfast?

I didn't eat breakfast.

What are you depressed about?

I don't know. Maybe my divorce.

Divorce?!

You and Bernice?
I don't believe it.

Neither did she.

I told her this morning.

What did she say?

Nothing. She
never pays attention.

Excuse me, am I interrupting
important police business?

And who are you?

I'm Mrs. Stavelchek.
You just met my husband.

A big, muscular guy
who can't keep a secret?

That's him.

Unselfish. All the
time giving, giving...

particularly information.

I brought you some towels
and soap and a coffeepot.

Thank you.

I hope you catch him or
her, as the case may be.

Hey, Barn. I got
everything we need.

I got 10 gauge shotguns,
12 gauge shotguns,

telephone... and tear gas.

Did you bring a chair?

A chair?

There's no place to sit down.

Oh, sorry.

I see you brought
grenades too, huh?

Just a thought.

If we don't use all this stuff,

you're not gonna
feel bad, are you?

No.

Put it away, Wojciehowicz.

Wojciehowicz?

Polish?

Yeah.

What did she say?

She wants to know if it's true

they don't let Polish
cops carry guns.

Tell her you got a gun.

I got a gun.

Of course, it keeps
us on our toes.

Put that stuff away
and hook up the phone.

Mrs. Stavelchek,
it is very important

that no one knows we're
here, do you understand?

Don't worry. I'm not a talker.

There's plenty I could
tell if I was a talker.

Thank you.

For instance, did you know

there was a very
important city official

who goes to the racetrack

and fools around
with his secretary?

Well, that sort of
thing isn't very unusual.

And has a 30-year-old
son who sucks his thumb?

Now there you got something.

Don't worry. You
won't be bothered.

I told everybody to keep
away from this apartment...

Thank you.

Or they'd be
arrested! Thank you.

I'd look for another apartment,

but I'm afraid they'd
throw us a block party.

This place is fine.

A guy could be very happy here.

You wanna talk about it?

There's nothing to talk about.

Two people are
married for 36 years,

and one morning it's all over.

What's the big deal?

What happened?

Who knows? I guess
the thrill is gone.

Come on, Fish. It sounds
like a temporary situation.

At my age, temporary is a
big piece of what I got left.

Barney, we're hooked
up. I got the precinct.

Thanks.

Hello? Yeah, DeLucca. We're in.

All right, get down here
about 6:00 to relieve Fish.

Well, switch her over.

Now what?

I'll get it.

Hello. Police Department?

Come in and shut the door!

Hello, Liz? Is anything wrong?

Oh, the tile man is there. Good.

Who are you?

Tannenbaum. Of Tannenbaum
Fine Liquors and Delicatessen.

Barney.

In a second.

Liz, I'll leave it up to you.

Any color you want.

Pink?

How about white?

My mother made wonderful
meals in a white kitchen.

It always starts
with little things.

How about blue?
Does he have blue?

You've always liked blue.

Blue is nice.

Liz, whatever you want.

A man who moves
around a lot in this heat

can't afford to be choosy.

And if you value
our relationship,

will you get that
shower turned on?

All right. Bye-bye, darling.

Now, what can I do for you?

Are you the chief?

Not yet.

Are you at least top
man in the room?

I'm Captain Miller, and would
you keep your voice down,

just in case there's
anyone in the neighborhood

who still doesn't
know we're here.

I'm just curious.

Are you here to
keep an eye on me?

I don't know. Should we be?

I would appreciate it.

That your store
across the street?

Exactly.

Sound familiar?

Not particularly.

I'm one of your best customers.

I've been robbed 36
times in the last 14 years.

Next to Murder Incorporated,

I probably got the
biggest file in your office.

And may I ask who you are?

Fish.

Fish.

Good strong name.

Here, boys, gather around.

I got refreshments.

Now, what's
perfect on a hot day?

Something cold.

That's what I call a detective!

Mr. Tannenbaum, our business
here does not involve you.

I'm sorry to hear that.

You know, the first eight
or nine times I was robbed,

I took it personal.

I thought it was
a prejudice thing.

You know, Tannenbaum.

So I put a sign
up in the window,

"Tannenbaum Means
Christmas Tree."

You know, like the song.

Fellow comes in with a gun,
looks at the sign and says,

"Okay, stick up your branches!

One move and I'll
blow your bulbs off!"

You see what I mean?

When the temperature
gets over 90,

the crazies come
out of the cracks!

Believe me, I know.

Why don't you buy a gun?

I made a deal with the mayor.

I don't buy guns, and
cops don't sell corned beef.

Mr. Tannenbaum,
I'll call headquarters

and have a patrol car
keep an extra lookout.

I got something better.

My own burglar alarm.

I got a button near the cash
register in case of a hold up.

I press it, and
watch what happens.

Shut it off. Shut it off.

I usually keep it at home,

but since you boys
are across the street,

I hope you don't
mind if I left it in here.

If it will make you feel better.

Well, I know you're busy,
crime being what it is,

I won't keep you.

Well... L'chaim, boys.

L'chaim.

Remember, if you need
something, we deliver.

If you want me, I'll
be down at the office.

Call in every half-hour.

Okay.

And, uh, if Elizabeth
calls, any color but pink.

Any color but pink.

Hey, Fish,

I sure hope they make the
drop in our zone, don't you?

Actually, I could
live without it.

Hey, where are you going?

To find something to sit on.

Hello.

I'm Brandy from down the hall.

I'm Fish from the
Twelfth Precinct.

I heard there were
cops in the building.

Anything I can do?

Got any extra chairs?

No chairs, but if you get
any other idea, I'm in 3B.

Hey, Fish.

You wanna go down
to 3B, I'll cover for you.

What would I do in 3B? I
can't even eat fried foods.

Good morning.

Hey, captain.

Everything's moving right along.

What's happening?

Nothing.

Word is we watch for a
panel truck, white or light gray,

Jersey plates.

Made a pick up in Hoboken.

You mean you think
he's coming here?

For your sake, Wojo, I hope so.

He didn't want to go home.

I know. Bernice called.

It's 9:00, it's already
86 degrees out there!

You smell gorgeous.

It's Liz's perfume.

Dynamite!

I thought of that too.

That's very considerate of you.

A man does what he can.

Is there coffee?

On the stove.

Oh! Oh, oh!

Aaah! Aaah!

Ohh. Ohh.

You okay, Fish?
What's the matter?

It's my back... and
my neck... and my leg.

I must have slept funny.

Hey, I can snap
it back in for you.

Don't touch me, Wojciehowicz!

I swear I got a gun!

I was just gonna
straighten you up.

Get away! I don't
want to straighten up.

I... I like it down here.

You all right, Fish?

Who's that?

It's Barney.

Hiya, Barney.

It's my back.

And his neck.

And his legs.

I'll be all right as
soon as I take a pill.

Uh, Bernice called.

She said she
wanted to talk to you.

She said it was important.

She's a helpless woman.

Without me, she can't
even find the bathroom.

Where's the bathroom?

A chair like that
could kill you.

Step up. Step up.

There you go.

I gotta take a pill.

Okay. Go ahead. Take it easy.

Take it easy. Take it easy.

Okay.

Good morning.

Can I help you, Mrs. Stavelchek?

I got a couple interested
in looking at the apartment.

Could I show them around?

It would be a little
inconvenient at the moment.

Hey, that's some
terrific shaving lotion.

Thank you.

Could you write the name
down for Mr. Stavelchek?

I'd like him to smell like that.

I'll take care of it
before we leave.

I appreciate it
more than I can say.

Hey, Barney, come here!

What you got?

There's a blue four-door sedan

been circling the
block about 10 minutes.

I'll get it.

Did you get the license plate?

No. I'll get it
next time around.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Mr. Tannenbaum, what
are you doing here?

A person has to eat,
crime not withstanding.

It really wasn't necessary.

It's a pleasure, colonel.

Captain.

Never mind. I have faith in you.

How about a lox and
cream cheese on a bagel?

Well, as long as you're here.

Barney, phone.

Nothing's too good for
our boys in blue, right?

Actually, detectives
don't wear blue.

They wear plain clothes.

Plain. But in excellent taste.

Mr. Fish, good morning.

Hello. I need coffee.

Wojciehowicz, got any cream?

Nope. There ain't any.

Coffee without cream
makes me nauseous.

Maybe if you lined your
stomach with a prune Danish?

I'll try. Keep an open mind.

Liz, you know I
can't leave here!

You'll have to wait
for the tile man.

Then let Rachel take
David to the dentist.

Change the appointment!

Liz, this is ridiculous.

I cannot make a choice between
the prevention of a major crime

and the correction
of my son's overbite.

Particularly when the overbite
runs on your side of the family.

Hey, Barney! Barney, come here!

Hold on a second. What's up?

That blue four-door's
coming around again.

It's parking across
from the garage.

Check out the license plate.

Uh, Liz, do whatever
you think best.

You're doing a wonderful job

with the kitchen
and the bathroom,

why would you do any
less with the children?

Goodbye, dear. Goodbye.

The license is 143BLA.

That's my car.

What about it?

It's parked across the street.
Your wife is coming upstairs.

Bernice?

She wouldn't have
the nerve to come here!

How did she find us?

Never underestimate
a helpless woman.

Here you are,
gentlemen. Eat hearty!

Mr. Tannenbaum, you shouldn't
have gone to all that trouble.

No trouble. I held
back part of an order

from a bar mitzvah
this afternoon.

Don't you think they'll miss it?

What's the difference?
He's a rotten kid.

They probably
overestimated the crowd.

You should have
called her, Fish.

Called her? I'm
gonna arrest her!

Something wrong?

It's his wife.

Don't worry, there's
plenty of food.

Get in here!

Good morning, everybody.

Hi, Bernice. Hello.

Good morning, Bernice.

I hope I'm not intruding.

Bernice, are you crazy?

I'll only stay a minute.

Why are you eating that junk?

Junk? Junk!

What are you doing here?

You forgot your
pills this morning.

I didn't forget them. I didn't
even go home last night.

You know, I had a feeling.

I was afraid to look,
but I had a feeling.

Go home, Bernice.
And thanks for the pills.

I brought cream too.

Thanks. Goodbye, Bernice.

Before I go, I
want you to repeat

what you said to me the
other morning at breakfast.

Bernice!

Bernice...

Uh, Mr. Tannenbaum... Shh!

Mr. Tannenbaum, would
you care for a cup of coffee?

A cup of coffee.

Oh, coffee! Sure,
let's go in the kitchen.

All right. All right.
You know what I said?

I said the eggs
tasted like rubber.

That was the good
part. The other part.

I don't want to
talk about it now!

Tell me when I'm facing
you, not when I'm cooking.

Barney! Barney, come here!

What you got?

There's a white panel truck
just parked in front of the garage!

- Light gray.
- Jersey plates.

I'm waiting, Fish.

Bern...

There is a time and a place!

This is a police stakeout.

That's a poor excuse.

You know, you could be arrested.

Who would care?

Hey, we're in business!

Maybe... Maybe...

Fish. Over there.
Break out the weapons.

Right. Why does
it have to be you?

Bernice.

You'll excuse us.
Business before pleasure.

Mr. Tannenbaum, the
two of you please wait here.

There may be trouble. I
don't want anybody hurt.

Who would care?

May I introduce myself?

I'm Harry Tannenbaum.

The former Bernice Fish.

It was a suggestion!
I didn't say positively!

Would you like a sandwich?

No, thank you. I lost
my appetite yesterday.

I lost my wife six years ago.

Fish. Get on the
phone to headquarters

and call for assistance. Right!

Wojciehowicz, DeLucca, let's go!

Is it convenient now?

Mrs. Stavelchek!

Oh, let's go!

No, no, no. Everybody
in the apartment.

Nobody leaves the
building! Who is he?

A policeman. How do you know?

Ask anyone in the building.

Look, it's... There
are two bedrooms,

a bathroom, very
spacious closets.

Look around.

Who are they gonna shoot?

The people in the
garage across the street.

Sixty-two cents a gallon.

I'm not surprised.

Second Avenue. Across 165 East.

And I'd appreciate
it if you'd hurry it up!

Hiya, Fish.

Hello.

Fish!

Who's the girl in the negligee?

Bernice. Bernice!

Hello?

Sorry, Captain Barney
Miller is otherwise occupied.

Hello, Mrs. Miller.

How's everything?

Listen, when you
fix that bathroom,

it'll be lovely.

Yeah! Yeah...

Blue is nice!

You're some devil, Barney.

Wojciehowicz and DeLucca
are riding back in the wagon.

Are you going?

To tell you the truth,

I'm gonna take the
opportunity to take a shower.

I'll lock up.

You take the
rest of the day off.

Take Bernice home.

You think so?

Bernice, take him home.

I was worried about you.

I'm okay.

Except I slept funny.

You want to go home?

I want to go where some
attention will be paid.

I promise.

Good.

Fish, tell me, who's
the lady in the negligee?

Bernice! Are you starting again?

I'm paying attention!

You son of a...!

Hold on, Mr. Tannenbaum,
I'll be right there!