Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Courtesans - full transcript

Hey, Nick, if a
guy's been murdered

whose name begins with B,

do you file it
under M for murder,

B for Bertoni, or
H for homicide?

What's the name of
the guy that killed him?

We don't know that yet.

File it under U for Unsolved.

Right.

You guys want some cake?

Yeah. Yeah.

Bernice made it.



Oh, no.

I've got a bad stomach...

Ladies, ladies, ladies!

Ladies!

Look, if you'll all
have a little patience,

we'll have you all out of here
and back in business in no time.

I hope so.

Now for the formalities.

Look, I'm going to read
you ladies your rights.

Ha. This isn't going
to take very long.

Hey, pipe down, will you?

You have the right
to remain silent.

If you give up

the right to remain silent,



anything you say

can and will be
held against you...

in a court of law.

You have the right...

♪ To speak to... ♪

♪ Your own Attorney... ♪

♪ Who may be present With you ♪

♪ All through The questioning ♪

♪ Now... ♪

♪ If you so desire... ♪

Ooh!

♪ And you ain't got
The bread for one ♪

♪ We'll give you one ♪

♪ No charge ♪♪

Hold it!

We've got a lot of work to do,
so stop clowning around, huh?

You got it?

Well, we always had it.

It just took us a while

to figure out
what to do with it.

Donna, would you
join Detective Yemana?

He's the inscrutable
devil in the corner there.

In-whatable?

Who gets me?

Uh, you've got your
choice... me or Fish.

Oh, well, seeing as
how it ain't Friday,

I'll take you, turkey.

Have a seat.

Come on, Rose.

Let's get some prints
of those magic fingers.

You must have a
hundred sets by now.

What are you
doing, selling them?

This way, madam.

Watch your language.

Do I have to go with him again?

Uh, no.

We're desegregated here.

He's always picking on me

because I'm Puerto
Rican, you know.

Well, you see,
that's because Chano

feels that Puerto Rican ladies

are very special.

Me too.

You know, I make more money

than they all do.

Is that why you came to America?

No, I came to be a Rita Moreno,

but I found out they
already had one.

Hey, you.

What's your name?

Mary, Queen of Scots.

Okay, Mary, what's
your real name?

Linda Fuller.

Address?

542 East 68th Street.

Hey, you must do
pretty good, huh?

That's a very rich neighborhood.

I'm a very good dancer.

Dancer... ha!

Oh, nothing fancy.

Just your average
everyday hoofer.

Occupation... Hoofer.

H-O-O-K-E-R.

I hope you're a good cop,

because you're a
crummy human being.

Well, well, well... Hiya, Barn!

Rose of Washington
Square and Company.

On one of their ever-popular
return engagements.

If I had known you ladies
were going to be here,

I would have dressed
for the occasion.

Excuse me.

Are you the manager?

I'm Captain Miller.
Can I help you?

This man has been
unnecessarily rude.

Is that true, Wojciehowicz?

I don't think so.

I mean, I didn't
say anything to her

I wouldn't say to any tramp.

Can I have someone
else wait on me?

Wojo.

Just because we're policemen

does not mean we
can't be gentlemen.

And I said policemen,
not judge, not jury.

Yes, sir.

Citizens of this city,

including alleged lawbreakers,

are entitled not only
to our protection,

but a certain amount
of consideration

and a little courtesy.

Yes, sir.

Do your job as quickly

and as efficiently as you can

and skip the moral observations.

Okay, Barn.

What happened to, "Yes, sir"?

Sorry.

It's just... there's
something about prostitution

that really irritates me.

I mean, a woman
who'd sell her body

would do anything.

Wojo, if people didn't want it,

it wouldn't exist.

Well, I don't want it.

You're not enough.

Linda Fuller.

I've never heard
of this one before.

Yeah, I know. She's new.

There's more of them
sneaking in all the time.

There's a big turnover
in that business.

Rose is always complaining
it's tough to get help.

Finish her up,

and watch it, will you, Wojo?

It's just that

there's something about this one

that really ticks
me off, you know?

I mean, she's sassy.

She's always coming at
me with some smart answer.

You're taking it so personally.

You're not a client. Are you?

Are you kidding?

Hey, any guy that's
got to pay for it,

he don't deserve it.

Any other source of income?

Dividends.

Hmm.

From the stock market?

Once in a while,
but mostly doctors.

Okay, baby, come on,

let's go do our
finger exercises.

You mean to tell
me, Miss del Fuego,

that a woman of
your obvious charm

and background and accent

can't find something
better to do?

They don't cut sugarcane

in Central Park, you know.

That is not the proper attitude,
Miss del Fuego. Right there.

I am talking about
pride and self-esteem.

And what are you so proud about?

You don't do no
better than what I do.

Miss del Fuego,

I came from a very
small fishing village

in Puerto Rico.

Me too.

I came here, I worked very hard,

I learned to speak English.

Me too.

And today I am proud
to serve the public

and be known as one
of New York's finest.

Me too!

Oh, Fish,

I'm just getting
too old for this.

Me too.

Still own and operate
the Village-A-Go-Go...

Ha, ha... Supper Club?

That's where you've
been busting me

for the last 20 years.

You know, I've paid
you guys enough fines

to own a third of this joint.

Nice having you around.

You get one phone call.

Thanks. You're very kind.

How long have you been hustling

out of Village A-Go-Go?

I've been a professional dancer

for approximately three months.

Where are you from?

Appleton, Wisconsin.

I'll bet they're real
proud of you up there.

Oh, hi. Linda Fuller.

Any messages for me?

What are you doing?

You're supposed to use that call

to make bail.

How can I make my bail

if I don't get my messages?

Any previous convictions?

Yes.

I once thought cleanliness

was next to godliness.

What's the name of that
theatre over on Third Avenue

near the school,

where they show all
those dirty movies?

The Dolly Madison.

Yeah, that's the one.

I got a call from
the D.A.'s office.

They're selling
tickets to minors.

Who wants to check it out? Fish?

No, thanks.

If I want nostalgia,

I'll listen to Caruso records.

Harris and Yemana,
you check it out.

They're showing a picture
called A Man and a Woman...

That's not a dirty movie.

And Another Woman?

Quiet!

Book them, guys.

What are you doing,
man? This is February.

We already busted
them for February.

Just take it easy, take it easy.

What's going on?

They're still operating, Barn.

What am I supposed to
do, look the other way?

What's he doing?
Running for mayor?

It's a police state!

You ladies know the procedures.

Let's get at it.

Listen, you want us to
xerox the last reports?

I mean, we can just change
the dates or something.

If Detective Wojciehowicz
took the time to make the bust,

you can take the time
to book the people.

Come on, let's get at it.

What about the movie?

Yeah, I don't want
to see the movie

from the middle.

Let's put Rose's
house in order first.

Come on.

Okay... Come on.

I'm not saying it's
not a cute apartment.

It's a lovely apartment,

but you've never lived
by yourself before.

But is it okay with you?

Well, you'll have to discuss it

with your father.

Well, if it's okay with you,

it'll be okay with Daddy.

Well, if it's okay with Daddy,

it's okay with me.

Hi, Barney.

Hi.

Did we catch you at a busy time?

No, not particularly.

Is that what I think it is

out there

or does everyone have

his own private secretary now?

Business as usual. What's up?

I saw an incredible
apartment today, Dad,

and Mom wants me
to talk to you about it.

Can't it wait till tonight?

They want a deposit by 6:00.

We've already discussed it.

I've seen the apartment.

It's up to you.
I'll wait outside.

Sit down.

Hi, Nick.

Want some coffee, Mrs. Miller?

Oh, thank you, Wojo.

How sweet of you,

but you must never
keep a lady waiting.

That's no lady.

That's a cheap prostitute.

She's pretty enough
to be very expensive.

No lady sleeps with
a man for money.

What brings you
up here, Mrs. Miller?

I came to get a
check from Barney.

Why is moving out so important

all of a sudden?

It's just that I feel like

I don't have any privacy.

Your mother and
I never interfere

with your privacy.

Privacy isn't something
you interfere with.

It's either there or it isn't.

What's so important
about privacy

all of a sudden?

Well, it's just that
every once in a while

I feel like I want to be alone.

And shutting the
door to your room

doesn't work anymore?

Dad, I'm not talking
about being alone...

I'm talking about being alone.

You mean you're not
talking about privacy,

you're talking about privacy.

Wisconsin. W-I-S-C...

Previous convictions, none.

What did you do,
memorize my sheet?

It's only been a couple of days.

I'm flattered.

I forget your age.

I appreciate that.

What year were you born?

Early '50s.

Can't you be more specific?

1947.

I'm from Buffalo.

That's good news for Albany.

Is that supposed to be funny?

That's called a joke.

I use it to break the tension.

You see, I'm the sort of person,

if I don't break the tension,

I say filthy words or I cry...

or I get nauseous.

I told you I was from Buffalo

in an effort to make
up for the other day,

but you don't want
to be nice, do you?

I just want to be on time.

I've got an appointment.

Don't you ever feel cheap?

Not really.

I feel competitive.

See? I did it again.

Cut it out.

Would you rather I
threw up on your desk?

Hiya, Ma.

Ahh... Hey.

I didn't like it

when I was called into school

on account of you,

and I don't like
this any better now.

Hey. Hi.

Are you waiting
for your daughter?

Uh, yes, I am.

How old is she?

Uh... 17.

Ooh, that's young.

What did we do to them?

Just gave them

the best of everything, right?

Right.

Oh, my daughter's not a... Uh...

She's not working.

She's a student.

Mine's a model.

Ha!

We watched her like a hawk

until she was 21.

She's very attractive.

She never heard a dirty word.

She never saw a naked body.

Sex was practically never used

in our house.

I don't know where

she developed her interest.

Well, most children

do have a normal curiosity.

Boy, did she ask the questions.

Look at her.

Things are bad enough.

God knows what
would have happened

if we'd given her any answers.

I don't think you can ignore

a growing girl's curiosity

or her feelings.

I told her,

"Your body is your temple.

Never give it away."

Apparently she took your advice.

Okay, girls, time
to go downstairs.

We love having you around,
but we got lots of things to do.

Kojak can't do it all. Come on.

See you later.

Oh, okay, baby. See you around.

Stay cool.

Well, if I did,

I'd be out of business, honey.

Until we meet again, Rose.

Give my best to Bernice.

I wish I could.

Don't tell me

there isn't something
else you could do

if you really wanted to.

I like my work.

You could always go back

to doing what you're doing.

Why don't you try
something else?

Like what?

Like secretaries. They
make good money.

Or you could be a receptionist

or you could be good at selling.

That's what I've
been telling you.

What happened?

Well, we had a good talk.

We, uh...

I told her we have confidence

in her judgment,

faith in her character,

sympathy for her
feelings and desires.

So it's all set.

It's okay with me...
if it's okay with you.

It's almost 6:00.

Okay. Okay.

Okay! Thank you!

I've got a report to do.

Save some for tomorrow.

The city can't
afford you after 9:00.

You've got a lot of time in too.

I know.

You're going to get

an extra day off this month.

I know.

Fish?

Yeah?

How old was your daughter

when she first left home?

She was almost 30.

How old was she
when she got married?

27.

Listen, why don't
you take tomorrow off?

Lie around the house.

Spend the day with Bernice.

I'll see you in the morning.

Good night.

Good night, Fish!

Oh, Barney, if
you don't need me,

I'm going to cut out, eh?

You're in a hurry, aren't you?

Yeah, well, I, uh...

I picked up a minor
for possession.

After we checked everything out,

we find out that the cigarettes

are regular cigarettes,
and she is 23,

so I'm taking her out to dinner.

Well, I wish you a good evening.

I wish you get your wish.

Are you through yet?

Just about.

The late tour commander
will be on any minute.

Hey, Barn?

I'd like to get your feelings
on a particular subject.

Sure.

Well, um...

How would you feel
if, uh, say, your wife,

you know, had an
affair with another man?

You mean while
I was still alive?

No, no, before you met her.

Oh, well, look,

I wasn't the first guy
Elizabeth went out with.

Well, uh, how many would you say

she went out with
before you two met?

I don't think they
were keeping records.

Well, would you
say, two, three...?

Maybe.

30, 40?

What are you trying
to ask me, Wojo?

Well, let's say,
uh... for instance,

Mrs. Miller had a
rotten childhood,

you know,

and with folks that
gave her a rough time.

She had a tough time
in school and, uh...

so she left home early,

tried to make it on
her own, you know,

and, uh, so she, uh...

Kind of moved to
the big city like you do

and tried a bunch of jobs,

like secretary, receptionist,

prostitute.

How would you feel about that?

Well, I'd... I'd weigh
the circumstances

and I'd check out the facts.

Are you sure you
got the facts straight?

Yeah, yeah.

Secretary,
receptionist, prostitution.

That's about the size of it.

Wojo...

Wojo, you're
asking me a question

I can't answer.

I mean, that's something

every man has to
decide for himself.

Yeah, I suppose so.

I didn't have too much time

to think about it, you know,

because I never thought

it would ever come up, you know?

Yeah, I know.

I hope you're
satisfied, you clown.

What'd I do?

I got canned.

They threw me out of the club,

and it was a
damned good job, too.

Oh, I mean, I like to dance,

but that was in such a
good, central location,

and they had a
very fine clientele

at that place.

Why are you blaming
Detective Wojciehowicz?

Why? He knows why. He
keeps coming in the place.

I mean, he was sneaking
around, spying on me, hassling me.

Rose doesn't want
any more trouble

on account of me,
so she tossed me out.

You could be sued, you know.

For what, huh?

Restraint of trade, you fink!

Easy, easy, easy,
easy, easy, easy.

Oh, you see, he just...

He gets me so tense,

and when I get tense,
I use filthy language.

Yeah, or else she
cries or gets sick.

Oh, how would you like to go...

All right, all right, all right.

Why don't you try a
smart answer, huh?

That's what you usually do.

All right, you want to
hear something funny,

you dirty son of a b...

It's all right, it's all right,

it's all right.

You've got a problem, Wojo.

She's not a bad kid, Barn.

I mean, I've been looking
at her for a couple of weeks.

Now, that could be harassment.

She could be right.

You could be liable.

Well, she's out of that place.

Now, that could
help, couldn't it?

Well, it's a possibility.

I mean, it's possible

that a rose by any other name

could give up being a rose.

Linda... Linda!

Were you addressing me?

Um, I'd better check

with the late tour commander.

Look, I can't say I'm sorry

you got thrown out of
that place, you know,

but if I caused you any trouble,

I apologize.

Don't worry about
it. I'll get relocated.

Well, uh, when you do,

I wish you'd let me
know where you are.

Why? So you can
do the same thing

all over again?

No.

I want to look in on
you, call you sometime.

What for?

I told you, I'm interested
in what happens to you.

So let me know, understand?

Is that for the police record?

No, it's a personal request.

Okay, I'll check in.

I don't want you to check in!

I want to know where I
can get in touch with you.

I want to maybe
call you sometime.

I want to maybe
take you out to dinner

or something.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

You want to see me?

Yeah, I'd like to see you.

I mean, uh...

Maybe I can help you
get straightened out.

Then call me sometime

and make an appointment
like everyone else.

50 bucks, in advance.

Well?

A rose is a rose is a rose, man.

Maybe it'll take
a little more time.

Ah, the heck with it.

People don't change.

No, no, no.

That's not entirely true either.

I must have been stupid

thinking I could get
interested in a whore.

My mother must be
spinning in her grave.

Take it easy.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Yeah.

Hey, Barney?

Lend me 50 bucks
till payday, will you?

You look terrible.

You don't look so good yourself.

Yes, I am destroying
myself with pleasure,

and it's a pleasure.

I haven't made up my mind yet.

Why not?

Didn't you spend the evening

with the lady?

I told you, I haven't
made up my mind yet.

Okay.

At best, this is a tawdry flick,

suffering from inept scripting,

cheap-jack production values

and lackluster performances.

Despite these
obvious disadvantages,

this film has been
doing boffo box office.

Where is that report
on that porno flick?

The D.A.'s office called
three times already.

Yemana is typing it up now.

Finished?

Yup.

"A Man and a Woman
and Another Woman

is a filthy movie."

Well, it is.

That's all?

Hey, what happened
to all that stuff

I was dictating?

I thought you were
talking on the phone.