Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 1, Episode 13 - The Hero - full transcript

Chano kills two bank robbers. Liz makes a citizen's arrest of her assailant -- an eight-year-old boy.

Nick, uh, where do we keep
the office supply vouchers?

Look in the file under "O."

Or "S."

Or "V."

If not, uh, "M"
for Miscellaneous.

And, uh, if you don't
find it in, uh, "M"...

they're lost.

Then I'll look under "L."

Good a place as any.

Twelfth Precinct,
Captain Miller speaking.

Yeah, he's right
here. Uh, just a minute.

What's the matter
with your foot?


Rich cooking, huh?

No, poor cooking, but rich food.

This is for you, on three.
Somebody named Mona.

Again? What does
she want from me?

I don't know. You pick
up the phone, you say:

"Hello, Mona, what
do you want from me?"

I know what she wants from me.

She's a groupie.

Policemen turn her on.

Hello, Mona.

What do you want from me?

You don't even
know what I look like.

I'm a very mature man.

Older even.

No, No, No. I can't
come to your apartment.

No, you can't come
to my apartment.

I'm married.

You're sorry?

Now, I'm going to
give you some advice.

Next time call Madison 8-5642.

That's the Fire Department.

She's in heat, isn't she?

Wojo and Harris call in yet?

Uh, they're on their way here.

Hey, Barney, uh, you
got anything to read?

The P.A.L. took
all the magazines.

Here you are.

Auxiliary Uniform Crime
Reports from the FBI. Fascinating.

That's not gonna be the same.

Good morning, everybody.

How are you?

I don't know yet.

Last night a fortune cookie said
I was gonna have a rotten day,

but this morning my horoscope
said it was gonna be beautiful.

So who are you gonna believe?

A Chinese baker or
The New York Times?

Twelfth Precinct,
Captain Miller speaking.

Yeah, go ahead.

Chano! 10-30 in progress.

Right, Barney.

Hamilton Bank... 11th Avenue.


Call Dispatch. Get
a couple of cars.


Chinese baker. Every time!

Nick! I'll be out in a minute!

Come on, we got a bank robbery!

I can't help you.

Hello, Dispatch?

We need two cars at
Styvesant and 11th Avenue.

10-30 in progress,
Hamilton Bank!

Barney, I wanna go.

What about your foot?

The hell with my foot. I got
my savings account in that bank.

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Okay. Come on, come on, come on.

Say, man,

since when is it a crime to
come to the defense of a lady

and try and protect
her honor? Since when?

When you push her trick
out of a second-story window.

Man, don't tell me
chivalry ain't dead!

Look, baby, you call it
whatever you want to,

but up here it's
felonious assault.

Don't give me details, man!
I'm talking about principle!

Sit down before you
fall off your shoes.

Hey, look. Chuck me that
phone. I got to call my main man.

What's your name?


What do we got here?

New pimp in the neighborhood.

Just what we need,
another social director.

Welcome back.

I read the whole report.

It's not the same.

Twelfth Precinct,
Detective Harris.

Yeah, just a minute, Liz.

Barney, it's your wife.


Hi. Liz, what's up?

What are you doing downstairs?

You all right?

Yeah, bring him up.

Liz made a citizen's arrest.

Who'd she collar?

A mugger.

Eight years old
with a pointed stick.

Eight years old? He's
just out of diapers.

Well, he came out armed.

Okay, Mayflower, let's sail.

Where to, my friend?

Downstairs to
the picture gallery.

Oh, man! If I had known that,

I'd a worn something
with, well, more life to it.


Excuse me, is this Homicide?

Yes, ma'am. This is, uh,
Det. Harris, Det. Yemana

of the goon squad.
What can we do for you?

I'd like to make arrangements
to have this boy sent to prison.

Come on, lady,
I was only jiving!

It wasn't my stick anyway.

What's your name?

Truman Jackson,
I'm only 7 and a half!

He's 8.

All right, the facts,
please, ma'am.

Well, I was riding
in an elevator

at the house of a friend when
this boy got on the elevator

and pointed this at me
and said, "This is a stickup."

Very well put.

Then he asked me
for all of my money.

Well, she didn't give me any.

Then she took my stick.
That's robbery, ain't it?

All right, Jackson, all right.

Harris, book him.

Okay. Come on.

Let's go.

Do you think I could
have a cup of coffee?

Hey, brother, let me go!

Hey, man, I can't do that.
I mean, you broke the law.

And it's, uh, now
my duty to inform you

that anything you say
can be held against you.

You ain't no brother!

That too! Sit down.

Oh, I hate to
see him go to jail,

I just couldn't let him go!

You let us handle it.

What are you going to do?

Work him over
with a rubber hose.

Now, seriously, Barney,
what are you going to do?

We're just gonna shake
him up a little bit. Relax.

I would like to remind
you that you have at home

a son just about his age.

He's lucky he isn't my
son, I'd give it to him good.

What are you gonna say to him?

Will you let us handle it?

I think I have a right to know.

Look, if you don't trust us,
take him to another precinct.

What's your telephone number?

Man, I ain't got no phone!

Where do your parents live?

Man, I ain't got no parents.

Well, who do you live with?

Grandpa and Grandma.


Am I going to prison?

Oh, yeah! You
got to go to prison.

For how long?

Well, that's up to the judge.

Judge Meany.

He's known as the hanging judge.

You jiving me?

No, man, that's
the absolute truth!

The last little dude that
held a lady up in an elevator

got 18 years.

And that was from Judge Goody.

Do I get him?

Oh, no. He's sick.

Barney, do you
think I could, uh,

speak to him for a few
minutes and say goodbye?

11:00 to 1:00, Wednesdays
and Sundays. Goodbye, Liz.

Goodbye, warden.

Come on, time to lock you up.

Don't look back.



You get one meal a day,

and you already missed today's.

Okay, Mayflower, just dock
it here. I got to get the keys.

Well, well, I see you finally
got your hands on Mr. Big.

Hey, man, look,

the little brother started
out on the wrong path

and we trying to
show him the light.

So don't blow it, you dig?

Any help you can give us will
be duly noted on your rap sheet

and the district attorney
will be so notified.

Do I make myself clear?

Say no more and open the door!

Hey, what's happening, baby?

Oh, you one of
them tight-lipped cats.

What'd you do, soul brother?

Hold up.

Whooeee! You in the big time.

Better get some rest, because
it's a long trip up the river.

Man, after a while it
gets to be like a circus.

Everybody standing
around staring.

How'd everything go?


You know, people inside the
bank, people outside the bank.

Surprised they
wasn't selling tickets.

Where's Fish?

Oh, he's coming.
He's right behind me.

Hi, kid.

Hey, somebody shrink? How
you doing, Ronny? Hey, Yemana.

Well, what happened?

Well, you know,

it was a little tight
at first, but it's okay.

Fine. Right, Fish?


Touch and go. Touch and go.

Hey, man, anybody help me out?

Seen any felony reports
around? I mean, you know...


Oh, I got a felony report.

These people, man. Wojo,
they just don't understand, man.

They can't get away with
stuff like that, you know.

And they read about it
everyday in the papers, man.

Somebody trying
to rob a bank here.

Somebody trying
to rob a bank there.

Just don't understand, man.

They can't get away with it.

Hey, anybody know the...?

Oh, there it is. Right
here on my calendar.

April 14, 1975.

What happened?

Two armed men,

one with a shotgun, one
with a handgun, shot a guard,

held six people hostage
and threatened to kill them

if we didn't let them go.

It'd have gone on all day,
if someone didn't get inside.

Apparently, someone did.

Chano. Killed both of them.

Cold. Anybody... You want a
cup of coffee, Barney? Huh?

Geez, I don't remember
it being this cold in April.

Anybody remember it being
this cold in April before?

Mm. Oh, man, that is definitely
not Puerto Rican coffee.

Who made this?

I did.

Tastes like it was
made yesterday.

What time yesterday?

You would think
after all this time

somebody would be able to
make a decent cup of coffee!


Well, what the... Nobody
cleans up the table anyway.

What's going on, men? Hi, boys.

All right. Hi, Barney.

We just got the word
down at headquarters

that stickup at
the Hamilton Bank.

It says two hoodlums
were killed in the attempt.

Is that about it?

It was unavoidable.

Heavily armed. They had
hostages. Chano had no choice.

No, huh?

Ah, Chano, so you went in.
You did what you had to do, huh?

Don't worry, I
know how you feel.

Why don't you take the
rest of the afternoon off?

Go see a moving picture.

Uh... Yeah, sure.

That's what I used to do.

I'd go to Radio City Music
Hall, See a good movie

good stage show. You know,
them Rockettes with the legs.

No, inspector.

Maybe I'd just better
stick around here working.

Well, some of the guys
like to do it that way, yeah.

You know, they like to
get right back in there again

before they freeze up.

You do whatever you feel's
right. Whatever works for you.

You know how long some of
them Rockettes have been there?

Thirty, 40 years the Music Hall.

Not the same ones, of course.

They replace them
from time to time.

The legs, it's the legs
that goes on them first.


Well, Chano, I want to tell
you you did a hell of a swell job.

Incidentally, if it'll make
you feel any better,

you'll probably
get a medal for it.

I'm gonna put you
up myself personally.

A medal.

Heh, you hear that, Barney?

Left here this
morning, I was nobody.

Two shots later, I'm
gonna get a medal.

You hear that, guys?

Well, no sense my
staying around here, eh?

May as well go to
Radio City Music Hall

maybe pick up a
couple of Rockettes,

a bottle of champagne
and celebrate.

A medal, heh?

How do you like that?


that man is an example for
every Puerto Rican on the force!

Hey, Barn, excuse me.

I wonder if I could have
a couple of hours off?

Just take off?

What for?

Oh, uh, it's just
a, I got things...

Leave him alone. Let him
take care of it by himself.

Hey, what about the kid?

Oh, yeah.

Did you call his grandparents?

Yeah, I told them we'd bring
him home after a little while.

You think he's had enough?

I think he's had enough.

Well, how are you sports doing?

I'm hungry. You're hungry?

Yeah, I told him we'd eat
soon as we get to Sing Sing.

Man, I don't want
to go to no Sing Sing.

Should have thought of that

before you held
up the pretty lady.

You can't believe nothing
that pretty lady says.

I think she's a fibber.

How do you know that?

She lives in our neighborhood.

She's always telling lies
about kids who got sticks.

I think she's a witch. Isn't
that right, Little Richard?

Oh, yeah.

She lies just like
everybody else.

We're the only ones
who tell the truth.

That's why we're
going to Sing Sing.

Policeman, ain't there no
way I can get out this mess?

Well, let's see
now, you could, uh...

throw yourself on
the mercy of the court.

Tell the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth.

That pretty lady ain't no witch.


And it's my stick.


I'm never gonna do
nothing like that again.


See, Judge Meany said
that if you confessed,

I could let you go.

No stuff? No stuff.

Harris, turn him loose.

Bye, Little Richard. Sorry I
can't have dinner with you.

That's alright, Truman.

Don't worry about it.

Just remember what I told you.

You know, use your brains, and:

A stick is uncool.

Truman, Officer Harris
here gonna take you home.

No handcuffs.

Goodbye, everybody.

Come on, little brother.
Let me give you a ride.

You gonna tell my
Grandpa what happened?

I got to.

Man, you ain't no brother.

Hey, Barney. Hm?

Did you ever have to do
what, uh, Chano did today?

Close, but, uh... Me neither.

I was always secure knowing

that I couldn't hit
the side of a barn.

Unless you had to.

You know, I went to
a cop show last night

and saw them kill a
couple dozen guys.

Didn't bother them at all.

That's because they
didn't have to be there

when the lights went up.


East of Saigon yesterday.

Columns of black smoke
could be seen rising

from downtown Saigon streets.

On the local scene, an
attempted bank holdup

at the Hamilton Bank
was thwarted today

by officers and plainclothesmen

of the New York Police
Department this morning.

Two gunmen were killed.

And during the
exchange of gunfire,

one patrolman was wounded.

Several hostages taken by
the gunmen inside the bank

were unharmed and...

The Hamilton Bank this morning

was the scene of an
aborted holdup attempt

in which two gunmen
were killed by police of...

were killed by a police officer

from the 12th Precinct...

Beat it!


Oh. Oh, wait, wait.
Don't beat it, man.

Heh, sorry, man. You all right?

Yeah. Yeah. Come in. Come in.

Hey, I wouldn't stand
out there too long.

This is a rough neighborhood.

Hey, can I get you a beer?


Oh, good. One beer coming up.

Place looks the same.

Oh, well, yeah, I got a girl
comes in once a year, you know.

Where you been?


Hey. Come on, sit down, man.

Any, you know...


I want you to tell me how you
feel about what happened today.

Oh, I didn't feel too good.

It could have
gone the other way.

I wouldn't feel good
about that either.

Well, there doesn't seem
to have been much choice.


I could have let
them have the money.

It doesn't work that
way. No, I know.

They should have robbed
another bank in another precinct.

What did you do today?

I went to a movie. Yeah?

Feel any better?

Yeah, kind of.

What'd you see?

Dirty Harry. Oh.

Hey, I'm s... Can I get you
something to eat, Barney?

No, no. Liz is probably holding
dinner. Don't let me stop you.


Hey, Barney, uh,
thanks for coming over.


Uh, listen, you wanna take a
couple of days off, you do that.

Yeah, maybe that, yeah.

Did you ever wonder
why the sperm whale,

which is the largest mammal
on the face of the earth,

has a throat about that size?

Yeah. You know, I
always did. Why is that?

Because that's the way it is.

And there ain't anything
you can do about it.

Oh, God...

Nick, uh, how are we fixed for
Supplementary Follow-Up Reports?

In the file under "S."

Or "FU" or "R"... Never
mind. Never mind.

Morning, Barney. Hi,
Yemana, Fish, Wojo.

Where's Amenguale?

Took a couple of days off.

Oh, good, good. I'm just as glad
he's not here anyway, Barney.

Why, what's the matter?

Amenguale isn't gonna get
the Medal of Valor for April.

They're giving it
to somebody else.

It's gonna tear him apart.

That's what it's
doing to me, Barney.

They're gonna give it to
some cop in another division

for pulling two kids out
of a burning building.

And a dog!

How do you like them apples, eh?

They said they didn't
want to make a big deal

about a cop killing
two hoodlums.

I know how you feel.

Thanks, Barney.

Now, but look, look, tell...

Tell Amenguale not
to feel too bad about it.

You know, if he's lucky, he'll
probably get another shot at it.

Hey, pardon the pun, huh?

Ah, it ain't like the
old days, Barney, huh?

The old days, the
old racket squad.

They used to have respect
for cops in those days.

Me and Foster,
Kleiner and Brown.

Anybody want to go
down to the candy store

and get a Charlotte Russe?

Well, see you around.

Hey, guys, what's happening?

Hey, Chano, how you doing?

Welcome back. Or
are you just visiting?

No, are you kidding, man?

There's just so much
bumming around a guy can do.

I saw seven movies and
I went to the aquarium.

You know, Barney, you're
right about that whale.

Oh, hey, Chano.

Hey, we saved something for you.

Sent over by messenger
from the Hamilton Bank.

It's a copy of their
employee newsletter.

Oh, hey.

Second page, big story.

Good pictures of you two guys.

Not my best side.

Look, uh, no thanks. File it.

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