Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 1, Episode 12 - Hair - full transcript

A Serpico replica joins the squad temporarily. Bernice discovers that Fish spent the afternoon in a massage parlor.

Semi-annual pistol
range qualifications:

Wojo, top of the class
again, steady as a rock.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, Yemana, you
just sneaked through.

It's my eyes.

I'd like to see
how good you'd do

if you had to shoot
through eyelids like mine.

You made it, Harris.

Hey, it's not bad for
an intellectual, huh?

Chano was third in the group.

But that's shooting
from the hip, man.

Hey, Fish... Yeah?

You didn't qualify.

It was cold. I wore gloves.

Now you're going
to have to go back

next week.

This time, practice, huh?


That means I have
to buy my own bullets.

You know how much
bullets are today?

They're in big demand,

between the Middle
East and television.

You used to be able
to buy a beautiful bullet

for six, seven cents.

Today, 13 cents...

And lousy quality.

In cheap boxes.

12th Precinct.

Detective Sergeant
Amenguale speaking.

No. No.

There's nobody
here by that name.

No, I'm... Just a
moment, please.

Anybody hear of a
guy named Gardeno?

Yeah. Who wants him?
Headquarters Personnel.

They say he's a First-Grade
assigned here, but I never...

Not yet. Any minute now.

What, you mean we
got a new guy coming in?

Yeah, he's transferring
from Narcotics.

Take a message.


Yeah, you're right.

He's due in, but
he's not here yet.

Okay, right. Yes, ma'am. Bye.

Barney, can I take

a little longer for lunch today?

Sure, go ahead.

Thanks. You all right?


What, are you going to
the doctor or something?

Something like that.

Well, we ain't got
any hot water again.

We ain't got any hot water yet.

And we ain't never got
any hot water ever... Neither.

Sometimes you make
a great deal of sense.

Wojo, you and Harris
got a little paperwork.

Hey, who's the new man?

His name is Paul Gardeno.

Spent a couple of
years over at Narcotics.

He's got a good street record.

Tough, efficient,
but he's a loner.

Sounds charming.

Hey, why don't you
team him up with me?

We could make a
very exciting couple.

We haven't even gotten
our plumbing fixed yet.

Hey, man, what's that
got to do with Gardeno?

Well, we need a
plumber a lot more

than we need a new cop.

Maybe he's handy
around the house.

Chano, you and Fish,
you can take care of these.

All right.

Nick, you and me,

we got to get to work
on these extract reports.

Captain Miller?

Yeah, I'm Captain Miller.

I'm Gardeno.

Welcome to the 1-2.

This is Chano Amenguale.

How you doing?

Phil Fish... Hello.

Nick Yemana,

Ron Harris, Stan Wojciehowicz.

Until we can make
other arrangements,

we'll get you some
temporary space

around here.

This is fine.

That's the coffee table.

Then I'll move over here.

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Hey, you can share my desk.

I mean, you're
gonna have to have

some place to put
your stuff, right?

I don't have any stuff.

Narcotics travels light, huh?

Yeah, light.

Nick, get him a locker.

I don't need a locker.

Get him one anyway.

It gets busy around here.

A man needs a place to be alone.

We'll talk later.

This way.

That's the washroom.

That explains the sign.

Okay, Chano... What?

What do you call that?

What do you mean?

I mean that thing

that looks like it just
crawled out from under a rock.

I don't know.

Now, he's got a certain
style. You know...

Oh, yeah, right.

Right off the cover
of Harper's "Bizarre."

What was that thing in his ear?

That, I don't know about.

That was an alarm.

You pull it if his
beard catches on fire.

Okay, okay.

You know, guys from Narcotics
aren't used to conforming.

Give him a while. He'll adjust.

Okay, Barney.

Hey, Fish, we got
to get rolling, man.

We got to see a lady about
a burglary on the east side,

and also somebody
is ripping off drugs

at the Gramercy Park Hospital.

Which do you want
to check out first?

Try the hospital.

At least the conversation
is more stimulating.

Oh, Harris, listen.

I'm expecting a phone
call from a young lady.

Oh, yeah? What do
you want me to tell her?

Tell her yes.

What if more than
one young lady calls?

Oh, well, in that case,
tell the first one "yes,"

and the second one, "later."

If you want to make any calls,

you can use my phone.

We don't have a wall phone.

You'd better sign in.

We don't got any
hot water, either,

but I'll boil some if
you want to shave.

I'm fine.

You mean you're
going to stay that way?

What way is that?

Well, you know, uh... Sloppy.

Does it bother you?

No, it's just a matter

of personal preference, I guess.

You never been
in the service, huh?

Yeah, two years in Vietnam.

Well, I guess you didn't
have time to change

since you've been back.

Hey, man... Uh,
Gardeno, you see, man,

it's just that, well, you know,

we take pride in the 1-2,

so we dress clean

and we shave every
morning, you know?



Ah, Gardeno.

Have I told you

we're happy to have you with us?

No, not yet.

We're happy to have you with us.

Captain Miller,
would you be offended

if I put in for transfer?

Probably. I'm a
very sensitive man.

Look, this isn't my bag.

I'm no good at busting winos,

picking up kids
for stealing fruit.

Arresting jaywalkers?

You know what I mean.

I like Narcotics,

and I like working alone.

I know. I read your record.

I didn't ask to come here.

I don't know why
I was transferred.

Probably the
commissioner's way of saying

you're still a member

of the New York City
Police Department...

Not the Green Hornet.

You know, they send you

to some dull little
out-of-the-way precinct,

put you back to basic training

to remind you you're
still part of the team.

Is that how you figure it?

It's happened to guys.

Your team shaves, don't they?

That's the nature of a team.

The team does the same
things for the same reason.

You don't shave,

we're all going to
have to grow beards.

Are you telling me I
have to lose the beard?

I'm telling you

that while I respect
every individual's right

to self-expression,

you look more like a
customer than a cop,

and there are rules
and regulations.

Oh, come on with that jazz.

They're just
climbing up my back.

You said so yourself.

So why fight it?

You're smarter than that.

I don't want to play games.

I just want to do my job.
And I don't want to shave.

What's the matter?
You got a skin condition?

If necessary.

And the earring?

I'm engaged.

You go home, shave,
put on a clean shirt,

break your engagement
and report back to me.

What about my transfer?

What the hell for?

They'll probably send you

to somebody who's not
nearly as sweet as I am.

Maybe he won't like

my dropping in like this.

Oh, Bernice, don't be silly.

- Hi, ladies.
- Hi.

What's up?

Oh, Bernice and I decided

that today was our day

to beautify the squad room.

Oh, so you brought a plant?

No, I meant us.

The plants were an afterthought.

Is Fish in the bathroom?

No, he's out with Chano.

Aren't they going to
be back before lunch?

It's hard to tell.

They probably got
busy. You know how it is.

Why don't you just

leave the plant on his desk,

and then we'll have some lunch,

and we'll come back later?

All right. Which one is it?

Oh, never mind.
I see his slippers.

What's going on?

It's the usual thing.

Bernice decided today
that Fish doesn't...

love her anymore.
Love her anymore.

It's getting that time again.

Oh, yes. Isn't it ridiculous?

I thought it would be nice

if the four of us
had lunch together.

Why don't the two of
them have lunch together?

Because you know

Fish won't take
Bernice anywhere.

No, man, why should
I kid you, Floyd?

I'm telling you, man.

This is only the second floor.

It's just that you are higher

than the rest of us.

Come on, kid, inside.

There you go. That's it.

Oh, man, this
cell is out of tune.


Hey, Bernice, how are you?

Where's Fish?

Well, he said he
had an appointment.

He'll be back soon.

Is that marijuana?

Yeah. Good stuff
too. Look at that.

Hey, Barney... Stoned
and in possession.

You've got your
whole life ahead of you.

What do you need that for?

Because I got my
whole life ahead of me.

Chano? Yeah, Bernice?

Did he say where he went?

No, he said he was going

shopping or
something, that's all.


See? Isn't that nice?

Why would he be shopping?
He doesn't need anything.

Bernice, let's go have lunch,

and then we'll come right back.

Good idea.

I don't mind waiting.

He's liable to drop
in any second.

But I'm hungry.

Have lunch with your husband.

That's the way it
should be anyway.

Take her to lunch.

Bernice, I don't have time.

Oh, how often I've heard that.

Take her to lunch.

Elizabeth, take her to lunch.

Bernice, I am going
to take you to lunch.

Come on, let's get a sandwich.

All right, a small one.

Hey, mother, you're not going
to leave me here, are you?

I'm not your mother.

You sure you ain't got a son?

I'm sure.

You want to buy one?

Don't leave me, mother!

That mother left me.

12th Precinct. Wojciehowicz.

And what's the address?

Okay, we'll be right there.

Barn, we got a
call for assistance

at a bar over on 11th.

Hey, Harris, come
on, we got business.

Okay, see you later, guys.

All right.

Keep a light burning
in the window, huh?

Yes? Can I help you?

No, thanks, you've
done enough already.


You happy now?

Holy... Hey, you
look just like a kid.

Very smart.

Now you're catching on.

No question about it.

The earrings made
you look older.

There really is
a big difference.

Cute, ain't I?

Clean cut, charming.

Now when I bust
some punk in the street

and I say, "Freeze,
I'm a police officer,"

he's going to look
at me and laugh

and say, "Hey,
look at that kid."

And then he'll pull out a
piece and blow my keister off.

Don't be ridiculous.

Freeze! I'm a police officer!

All right, come on, come on.

Take it easy, Mr. Cooper.

Now, you're in
enough trouble already.


That guy took a swing
at me first, you know,

and so did she.

What's he doing up here?

Lyman Cooper.

Drunk, disorderly,

assault and battery.

Nobody can take a joke no more.

I'm just sitting at the bar,

minding my own business,

and this blond comes over to me

and she says, "Buy
you a drink, sweetie?"

And I says to her:

"How dare you?"

And then this big
guy comes over to me,

and the guy takes a cut at me,

and then the blond

knocks me right
off the bar stool.

Well, maybe it was
the other way around.

Take a seat, Mr. Cooper.

Sure. Hey, buy you a drink?

No, thanks.

Hey, man, could you
roll one of those for me?

What's the address?

Okay, don't move in there.

We'll be right over. Right. Bye.

Oh, boy, everybody's
going bananas today.

There's a guy
shooting at his wife.

Closes himself in the bathroom

and he's still got
the gun with him.

Take Gardeno with you.

Come on, Gardeno, let's go.

Uh, you sure you
want me to go with him?

You can't hang around here

waiting for your beard to grow.

Come on.

Okay, Mr. Cooper,

you're entitled to a phone call.

Do you want to talk to somebody?


Do you know
anybody who delivers?

Has anybody seen Fish?

It's almost 3:00.

He's probably still eating.

You know how long
it takes him to chew.

Check with Dispatch.
See if he called in.


Lyman Cooper.

There was a general in
the Civil War by that name.

That's why I drink.

Floyd Spears.

I'm a seeker of
wisdom and truth.

It's just that, uh,

I like to smoke while I seek.

You know what you're
doing to your brain?

You know what you
can get from that stuff?


Oh. What are you on?

Bank Americard.
What do you need?

He's not here.

Something's happened to him.

I know it.

Now, wait a minute,
wait a minute, Bernice.

Maybe he called in.

He didn't call in, Bernice.

Now, Bernice,

you're just being foolish.

He's probably just out

taking care of some business.

Besides, the boys would know

if anything were wrong, right?


And you don't see
any of them worried.


Hello, hello, hello, hello!

Fish... What are you doing here?

I was waiting for you.

Everybody's been
worried sick about you.

You didn't check in.

You smell funny. Perfume.

And you've got oil all over you.


Where have you been?

I took a massage.

At the YMCA?

At the Garden of Eden.

What kind of a massage

can you get at the
Garden of Eden?

Are you kidding?

We busted that joint
three times already.

Aren't you ashamed?

Bernice... Barney,
may I use your office?

Help yourself.

Get in there.

Hey, Wojo, for
crying out loud, man.

Well, I thought

he was there on
official business.

Wasn't he, Barn?


Did you send him there, Barney?

I didn't have to.

Fish has initiative.

Bernice, it's not
what you're thinking.

How do you know
what I'm thinking?

I know what you're thinking,

and it is not possible for me

to do all the things
you are thinking.

It is not possible
for all of us together

to do all the things
you are thinking.

Where did she massage you?

On 14th and Lexington.

That's not what I mean.

I know what you
mean. I don't remember.

What do you mean,
you don't remember?

I fell asleep on the table.

So whatever she massaged,

it doesn't make
a lot of difference,

does it?

If you wanted a massage,
why didn't you ask me?

Bernice, haven't
I always told you

you rub me the wrong way? Huh?

What do you think
they're doing in there?

Very little.

Hello, everybody.

Is everything all right?

Couldn't be better.

Well, it could always be better,

but what the hell.

He has such a
great sense of humor.

I'll take her to the door.

Twelfth Precinct.
Detective Wojciehowicz.

Well, I guess that
means I'm going.

Goodbye, Bernice.

What time will you
be home for dinner?

Usual time.

Unless I decide to drop in

at the Garden of Eden.

Fish has such a
great sense of humor.

Barney, that was
Gramercy Park Hospital.

They just brought in
Chano and Gardeno.

There's been a shooting.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

We've still got a
business to run.

Yemana, Harris, stay here.

Man, we didn't even
get to the top of the stairs

when the door flies open,

this woman comes running out.

This guy is behind her, waving
a gun, and she's screaming:

"He's gonna shoot me.
He's gonna shoot me."

I didn't even get a chance
to pull out my piece, man.

Gardeno pushes
me out of the way.

I fall down the
stairs, break my arm,

and he takes the
bullet instead of me.

How bad was he hit? Pretty bad.

He took it here in the front
and it came out the back.

Listen, I was two
steps below him, man.

If he hadn't have pushed me,

I would've got it
right here in the front

and it would have
come out the back here.

Is there anything you need?

No, thanks, Fish.
The doc says I'm fine.

I can go home whenever I want.

You see that, Wojo?

You were wrong about Gardeno.

A guy can't be
right all the time.

Hey, he's up.

Hey, Gardeno.
How are you feeling?

I'm okay.

You did a good job.

We're all proud of you, Gardeno.

When you get out,
I'd like to take you out

for a beer or something...

If you're old enough.

Hey, I owe you one, buddy.

Hey, you get some sleep.

We'll see you later, huh?

Take care of yourself.

You need anything?

No, thanks.

I'll drop by tomorrow.

I'll bring you a plant.

Hey, Barney.

I still want that transfer
back to Narcotics.

What the hell for?

Come on, we've been
through that already.

Look, you're not the first cop

that tried to hide behind
a reputation or an image.

You just did a hell
of a job without it.

Chano told us the whole story.

What did he tell you?

That you pushed
him out of the way

and took a bullet that
could have killed him.

I pushed him out of the way

because I wanted to
get the hell out of there.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about confidence.

I turned and ran.


But you took the
bullet right in front.

That's where it came out.


Results are what's
important, not direction.

You sure you don't
need anything?

Listen, I'll drop by tomorrow,
bring you another plant.

Hey, Fish, you made it.

You qualified on
the pistol range.

It was the massage that did it.

Now we can trust
you with a gun again.

Here you are, hot off
the press. Tour sheets.


And a communiqué
from Headquarters.

Gardeno goes back to Narcotics

as soon as he gets
out of the hospital.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'll tell you,

he's gonna be glad to hear that.

Because he's got a
four-day growth of beard

and he's polished his earring.

I still don't understand

why the guy needs
gimmicks to do his job.

I mean, he's good
enough without them.

What's that around your neck?

My Marine dog tags.

But I don't need them,

I just wear them for... luck.

Ah, he wouldn't be caught dead

without them.


What about that slave bracelet?

Hey, man, that's
genuine antique.

That belonged to
my great-grandfather.

Everybody needs something.

Yeah. Listen, I got
a good-luck tattoo.

But you can't see it
because it's under my cast.

I've got lucky teeth.

How come they're lucky?

My dentist died

before they were half paid for.

You know those cute
little Japanese dolls

that you rub on
the belly for luck?

Yeah? Yeah.

I'm taking one out
to dinner tonight.

You see what I mean?

Everyone in the
room is superstitious.

Except me.

Knock wood.