Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 1, Episode 10 - The Guest - full transcript

There, you're all set.

You won't have any trouble
with that phone anymore.

You don't fix toilets, do you?

Only if there's a phone in it.

Could be... It won't flush.

Are you really a detective?

Yeah, why?

I've never seen a
Japanese cop before.

You ever been in Tokyo?

Yeah, flew over
it during the war.

I'll bet you were an officer.



Colonel.

How did you know?

I know a lot of
telephone repairmen.

It just seems to me if
it's your assignment,

you've got to
fill out the report.

You think you're fooling
them. They know where I am.

Come on, come on.

They find you. I'm telling you.

You don't know
them as well as I do.

All this skipping around town

is a waste of time.

Mr. Schuster?

Oh, God.

Why do you come
up on people like that?



I'm sorry.

I'm Captain Miller.

That's the way
they got Freedman,

in a laundromat...

Snuck up behind him and
pushed him into a dryer.

They threw in seven quarters.

The coroner said

two would have been
enough to kill him.

I don't want to go like that.

Freedman? He was
the other accountant

for the syndicate.

Sweet man... Kept
a great set of books,

a wife, three kids,
a house all paid for.

Two laundromats.

All right, take it easy.

We're not going

to let anything happen to you,

Mr. Schuster.

That's why they moved you here.

Oh, yeah, sure, sure.

That's what they told me

when they took me to the Bronx

and Queens and Staten Island.

Any problems, Chano?

No, no problems, Barney.

Picked him up at
the 51st precinct

near Van Cortland Park...

Nice easy trip, no problems.

Nobody saw us, quiet.

I'm not going to make it

through the morning.

Mr. Schuster, you're
going to be okay.

Look, the syndicate,

they're just another
bunch of hoods.

They're not supermen.

Oh, sure, sure.

Then why am I the last witness?

Coincidence.

Coincidence?

Freedman's secretary
drowned in the ocean...

A beautiful swimmer.

Accident.

Accident, huh?

Steinmentz,

Steinmentz, a vice-president...

Took a two-week vacation,

and that was a year ago.

Maybe he's having a good time.

What about me?

So far, you're okay, right?

Oh, sure,

because my car
was only a warning.

What happened?
They steal your car?

Blew it up

in front of my house...

You're not going to
get hurt, Mr. Schuster.

And it was a loaner...

See?

And on top of having
my life threatened,

a garage is suing me.

What's the matter?
You got no insurance?

Are you kidding?

My mother's going
to be a rich lady

in a couple of days.

I got double indemnity.

Then let her pay for the car.

Very funny, very funny.

I didn't know

Orientals had a sense of humor.

Are you kidding? We
invented gunpowder.

Rest assured, Mr. Schuster,

we're going to take
good care of you.

The Crime Commission

is very anxious
for your testimony,

so relax.

We're not going

to let anything happen to you.

12th precinct, Yemana.

They don't even
know you're here.

Mr. Schuster, it's for you.

What did I tell you?

I'm not here five minutes,

and they know already.

Uh... We don't have a Schuster.

We have a Foster and a
Brewster, but no Schuster.

Yeah, don't mention it.

Well, what, what?

He said "excuse the call."

That's it. I'm finished.

I'm as good as dead.

12th precinct,

Detective Sergeant
Amenguale speaking.

Okay, what's the information?

Try not to worry, Mr. Schuster.

But they know
where I am already.

That doesn't change anything.

Nobody's going to get at you.

In the next 24 hours,

you're going to have
more cops around you

than you've got
hair on your head.

Wonderful.

It's just an expression.

I know what you mean,

but what about after
the next 24 hours?

What then?

We're never further away
than your nearest phone.

That's an expression,
too, Mr. Schuster.

Wojciehowicz, would
you make Mr. Schuster

as comfortable as possible?

Yeah, sure. Right this way.

We got it all tidied up for you.

Okay, thanks a lot.

Yeah, I'll see what I can do.

Hey, Barney,

how much money we
got in petty cash, huh?

I don't know, 30, 40 bucks.

What do you need?

Oh, look,

I've been working on a buy
for over two months now,

and it's going down
tonight, so what happens?

Those over there in Narcotics

tell me all their
money is allocated.

We've got enough
to do around here.

Let them take care of it.

Barney, what are you
talking about, man?

You know all the work I
put into this all the time.

This is my bust, man.

I'm sorry.

It's just that I know
the people, man.

I know the places.

It's in my neighborhood, Barney.

Narcotics is just
going to mess it up,

and if they don't mess it up,

they're going to
take the credit.

What do you want
me to do about it?

Well, could you lend
me 3500 dollars?

I'll pay you back tomorrow, man.

I don't think I have the change.

Come on, come on, man, this is
clean, man. There's no problem...

Forget it, Chano. Let
Narcotics handle it.

What?

I just called you a
name in Spanish.

What?

I don't think

you'd care to hear
it in English, so...

Look who we just picked up

for shoplifting...
Dr. Strangelove.

You know something? You
simply have no class, Kogan.

That's why you're
still a private.

We have no privates
on the police force.

Marty,

when are you going to learn

you can't take things

that belong to other people?

Why would I take something

that belonged to me?

Harris,

would you do the honors?

Okay, over here, Marty.

I see you rented my room.

Hey, this is very
nice, very nice.

You've got good taste, Marty.

It was all a mistake. I was
just comparison-shopping.

And you walked
out the door with it.

Well, I wanted to
get another opinion.

You know, cab drivers
know more about luggage

than anyone?

What do you need
stuff like this for anyway?

Well, I'm going away.

You ain't kidding.

You're going to be
gone a long time too.

Ho, ho, ho.

Who's that?

Oh, that's Marty.
He's a regular here.

You didn't even frisk him.

To tell you the truth, I
didn't have the nerve.

That's just the kind of guy

they would send
up here to kill me,

somebody you don't suspect.

Marty?

Marty's not going to kill you...

Take you to dinner, maybe.

Hey, Fish... Huh?

How much money
you got in the bank?

None of your business.

Hey, look, Fish, $950 is
all I got in the world, man.

I need $2500 more.

I'll give it back
to you tomorrow.

You got me at a bad time.

What happened?

I'm poor.

Fish, this is just
front money, man.

I'm going to make a bust.

I can't take any chances.

I've got to pay my income tax

in the next few weeks.

Why don't you take
it out of the bank now,

get used to being
without it, huh?

Hey, anybody order lunch yet?

Tongue on rye.

Not from me, from Grossman's.

No, I didn't.

I guess I've got to
do it myself, huh?

Tongue on rye.

Barney, we're calling
for sandwiches.

Mr. Schuster,

we're calling Grossman's
Delicatessen for sandwiches.

You want something?

Are you kidding? I wouldn't
put anything in my mouth

I didn't cook with
my own hands first.

Burnside, the bag man...

Poison in his toothpaste.

They found him in the bathroom

with a swollen tongue.

On rye.

We always order sandwiches

from Grossman's, Mr. Schuster.

Tell you what.

I'll have an officer
go out and pick it up.

All right? How about that?

I don't want any.

All right. I'll take roast beef.

Excuse me a moment.

Captain, may I
see you privately?

Come on inside.

Who else wants something?

Ron?

Yeah, short ribs.

Short ribs?

Fish, what do you want?

Hot pastrami on rye
and a side order of lemon.

What can I do for you, Marty?

Well, captain,

I have never tried to
use my influence with you

to get special
consideration before,

but I would really appreciate it

if you would try to do something
about this unfortunate incident.

What's so special
about this one?

Well... I'm getting married.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Who's the lucky... person?

Her name is Gertrude Sax.

No kidding.

Gertrude has...

She has marvelous instincts,

and she possesses
those wonderful qualities

that my mother had.

However... she is older.

She's older than you.

Older than my mother.

How old is she?

Seventy-four.

I see.

I knew it.

You've lost respect for me
because I'm marrying for money.

It's none of my business
what you do, Marty,

as long as it's not
against the law.

Oh, but... but Barney,

it would be very embarrassing

if she found out about this.

Please, captain.

All right,

I'll see what I can do.

I won't book you,

but I'm going to
have to hold you.

Just a police expression.

Harris, hold that
wrap sheet on Marty.

We're going to negotiate
a settlement out of court.

Keep him on ice?

Yeah, temporarily.

Now, Marty, I'm
doing a favor for you.

I want you to do
something for me.

Mm-hmm.

That's Mr. Schuster in there.

Talk to him,

keep his mind off his troubles.

What did he do?

It's a secret.

What do I get if I find out?

Killed.

Barney, look at this.

I got $325 from Fish,

$524 from Wojo,
$475 from Harris,

$373 from Yemana, $950 from me,

and $40 from petty cash.

Now, that all adds up to $2,686.

87.

He's right. Thanks.

Don't mention it.

Anyway, Barney, all
we need is $813 more.

How about that?

You really want
to make this bust?

Barney, this guy pushes to kids

in schools, man.

All right, come on in.

I'll give you a check.

Fantastic, man!

I'll tell you what
I'm going to do.

I'm going to go to the bank.

I'm going to cash these checks,

and I'm going to have your
money back by midnight.

You better.

Cheer up, Mr. Schuster.

Things could be a lot worse.

Yeah, how?

Have you ever seen Gertrude Sax?

Here's your sandwiches
from Grossman's.

All right.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

All right, short ribs.

Pastrami.

Barney, got your sandwich.

Tongue on rye.

Here you go.

Hey, Marty, you want something?

Have you got anything light?

Yeah, I've got...
chicken liver and salami

on an onion roll.

That's disgusting.

Mr. Schuster,

I ordered an extra sandwich,

a corned beef... I
wouldn't touch it.

They're great sandwiches.

That's what they told
Kleinerman, the auditor,

when they had him
stashed in that hotel

in Chicago.

Scrambled eggs... He was dead

before he could
put his fork down.

You know what the
police found out?

Someone had injected poison

into the eggshell with
a hypodermic needle.

You know how easy it
would be to do the same thing

with chopped liver,
corned beef, bread,

mustard?

You're letting your imagination

run away with you, Mr. Schuster.

Right.

Here's your sandwiches
from Grossman's.

Call the hospital!

Come on, get going.

You've got to have
your stomach pumped.

Stomach... Come on. Okay.

All right, but I feel all
right, Barn, really, I feel...

You're lucky. Come on.

Harris, get a car. Get
him over to the hospital.

Come on, let's go. Hospital?

What are they going
to do to me over there?

Whatever they
have to do. Come on.

Kogan, do me a favor.

Get this stuff over to the lab,

get it analyzed,

then send a report
directly to the hospital

and call me.

Come on, come on, go.

Nobody downstairs
paid any attention to him.

You know, a guy
dressed in a cop's uniform

in the middle of
a change of shift.

What did I tell you?
You wouldn't listen to me.

Shut up, Schuster.

How the hell did they find out?

Wojo called Grossman's

from here.

Oh, my God.

What?

There was a telephone repairman

here this morning.

He... he fixed my phone.

I'll bet he did.

I'm sorry, Barney.

They knew Schuster
was coming here

before we did.

They had us pretty good.

Hi, everybody, hi. What's new?

Who's that?

My God, the way
things are today,

it's liable to be
the chief of police.

What happened?

We... had a little trouble.

What's up?

Well, it's nothing important.

It's okay.

It's taxes.

I need your checks and
your... and your stubs

and your receipts.

All right,

top drawer in my desk.

Okay.

All right.

Let's make the best
of a bad situation.

Get the dispatcher
to call Harris

in the car.

Have him check
Wojo into the hospital

under the name Alan Schuster...

Right.

And put him on
the critical list.

We'll let our friends think
they got away with something...

And call downstairs. Tell
them nobody comes up here

that doesn't belong up here.

Right.

12th precinct, Yemana.

Barney, a manager of
some department store

wants to talk to you.

I can't talk to him now.

Barney?

All right, I'll take it inside.

Line two.

That was supposed to be me

who got poisoned, you know that?

Why would anyone
want to poison you?

Because I know too much.

My God, if one got killed

because they knew too much,

I'd have been dead years ago.

What do you do?

I'm getting married.

I mean for a living.

I'm getting married.

I've never been married myself.

I don't know, for some reason,

girls don't interest me.

I guess my head

is always too
much into business,

you know, ambition,
making money,

being a big shot.

My mother used to say to me,

"Alan, Alan, meet a nice girl,

meet a nice girl,"

but... I don't know,

I always had more
fun with the fellas...

Not that I never
met a lot of nice girls,

and I, actually, I
was engaged twice,

but...

every time it came time
to make the big step,

I thought,

"Maybe I'm making a mistake,"

you know?

I mean, you're liable
to make a commitment,

and then...

and then when
you least expect it,

like a bolt out of the blue,

somebody comes around the corner

and..."wham."

Wham.

Thank you, I appreciate it.

He'll appreciate it, too.

He's getting married, you know.

Yeah, I'll tell him.

Thank you.

Well, at least
Marty's off the hook.

Are you allowed to
deduct for your shoes?

Only those with gum soles.

I notice

you didn't buy any new bullets

last year.

I haven't used the old ones yet.

Oh... can I deduct them again?

Can I depreciate them?

Whatever.

I guess I didn't pick
a very good time

to come down and discuss taxes.

When it comes to
discussing taxes,

there's no such
thing as a good time.

Hmm.

I know it's none of
my business, Barney,

but I really don't think
you have any right

to blame yourself
for what happened.

What I'm trying to
do is reconcile myself

to the fact that I made
an amateur's mistake,

and I'm supposed
to be a professional.

What?

Harris just called

from the hospital, Barney.

They're pumping Wojo's stomach.

They say he's going to be okay.

What about the lab report?

The sandwiches were
loaded with arsenic.

Arsenic?

You sure Wojo's all right?

They're watching him closely,

but so far, he's fine.

Thanks.

Have you been
seeing another woman?

I don't remember. Why?

There's a check stub here

that says $34 for roses.

It's an Italian restaurant.
I took the boys to lunch.

I thought it was
something like that.

I just didn't want you to think

I was taking you for granted.

I appreciate it.

Open it up, Nick.

Yeah.

Marty, I just spoke to
the department store.

They're willing
to accept the fact

that you intended
to buy the luggage,

so get over there,
give them the money,

and they'll drop the charges.

Well, they're really
very expensive bags.

I don't think I can afford them.

What do you think?

They go with your shoes.

Bon voyage.

Thank you.

Uh... good luck.

I don't suppose

we'll be seeing
each other again.

I probably won't be
seeing anybody again.

Check in, Marty. I want
to know what happens.

Yes, captain.

Uh... Goodbye.

I really enjoyed
our... brief encounter.

Likewise.

Mr. Schuster, are you a Scorpio?

Yeah.

Oh, God, I knew it.

Well, I guess

I'd better be getting home.

Oh, I won't be... I won't
be home for supper.

Oh, maybe I'll go out.

With whom?

Haven't made up my mind yet.

When you do, let me know.

I appreciate that.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night, Fish.

Good night, Elizabeth.

Night, Nick.

Good night, Liz.

Fine woman.

You know, I get
a kick seeing her

doing little things
like that for you

all the time.

I'll send Bernice over

to watch how she does that,

if you don't mind.

Well, he's dead.

What?

Wojo?

No, Schuster.

I let a few rumors leak out.

It's right here on
the second page.

Check it out.

You...

"An unconfirmed rumor
from an undisclosed source...

"Alan Schuster, a State witness
scheduled to appear today

"before the Crime Commission...

"Brought to an
East Side hospital...

"Critical condition...

"Overdose... undisclosed...

Died this morning at 5:15 a.m."

Perfect.

Sorry to see you
go, Mr. Schuster.

Did they say anything
nice about me?

Uh, not really.

Of course, they don't
know you like we do.

How's Wojo?

Sick as a dog, but
he's going to be okay.

Doctor said a dude with
an ordinary constitution

would have cashed it in.

He could eat a desk.

All right, Mr. Schuster,

get ready to travel.

Harris, you and Fish

take him over
to city hall and...

All right.

Turn him over to the
Crime Commission.

Okay, Schuster.

No, no handcuffs.

You'll ride in the back with me.

Try to act as if you're
just another one

of the detectives
in this squad, huh?

How do I do that?

Oh, just keep looking at me

with admiration and respect.

Hmm.

Hey, how you doing,
Barney? Hi, guys.

Hey, Chano.

Did you make the bust?

Oh, yeah, sure, I
made it, nice and easy,

nothing to it, got
them with all the stuff.

Very good. Where's my money?

Uh... I ain't got it.

What do you mean,
you ain't got it?

Quick, someone take my gun away.

What happened?

Barney, I walked
into the place, right?

Met the contact,
gave him the money.

He gave me the stuff.

I pull out my piece and say,

"Freeze hands in the air."

Then all of a sudden
from behind me,

I hear somebody else say,
"Freeze, hands in the air."

You mean you got ripped off?

Yeah, by the FBI.

FBI? FBI?

Yeah, the FBI.

You know, the
guys with the ties.

They had their own bust
going. What I am going to...

They confiscated the
money as evidence.

Well, okay.

For crying out loud.

I could've lost that money

at the track myself.

I didn't need your help.

All right, take it
easy, take it easy.

We'll all get our
money back... Yeah.

In five or six months.

Wait till Wojo hears about it.

He's not going to be too
happy about pulling through.

You can give me a
note for my tailor, huh?

Look, if you...

If you don't get the money back,

I know a way you could
take it off your taxes.

Thanks, Mr. Schuster,

but no thanks.

12th precinct, Captain Miller.

Wait, wait. Take it easy.
I can't understand you.

Stop crying.

Mr. Schuster's not
dead. No, he's not.

He just went over to testify
before the Commission.

Now, will you stop
getting hysterical?

Is it his mother?

It's Marty.

Just take it easy,
will you, please?

Relax. Okay, okay.

"The Commission has
expressed its gratitude

"to the police commissioner

"for his cooperation

"and their satisfaction

with the outcome
of the hearings."

Hey, hey.

Nice.

They got them all
pretty good, huh?

Hey, what did Schuster get?

Uh, doesn't say,

but a cooperative witness,

probably one to ten.

With good behavior,

he'll probably be out by
the end of the fiscal year.

Hey, all right! Hi, guys.

How are you feeling?

I'm fine, I'm fine.
My stomach's good.

That's great.

I'm not so sure about my wallet.

You're a lucky man.

Yeah, yeah, I guess so.

The doctor said

it was because I had
a tolerance for arsenic.

From what?

Fruits and vegetables.

He said there was
enough arsenic in there

to kill a horse, but
not a human being.