Ballers (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Face of the Franchise - full transcript

What's up? Nice to see you.

How you doing, Joe?

- How are you?
- Looking good. Looking good. Hi.

- My man.
- What's going on?

- It's good to see you, Suh.
- You as well, man. Always a pleasure.

Brother, you are looking sharp.

My tailor took good care of you, I see.

There's no question he
definitely took care of me.

You got to meet my
right-hand man, Victoria.

- Victoria, it's a pleasure.
- All mine.

Victoria, I'm Joe, Spencer's
right-hand woman.



- That's a sweet fizzboat, Suh.
- Man, I appreciate it.

You know we had to come
in a little bit of style.

Yeah, you did. You did it.

- All right, well, show's yours, brother.
- Let's go.

Enjoy.

Man of the hour.

- Big day, man.
- Congrats.

Thank you. This place looks great.

When you address the crowd today,
make sure that you thank the mayor

because he pulled a lot of strings
putting this entire deal together.

Um, I don't have to do
any speeches, do I?

- He doesn't do speeches.
- No, it's nothing.

You just get up there, you thank
everybody, all that shit.

I said he doesn't do speeches.



Yeah, I'm not really a big
fan of public speaking.

All right. Looks like you're up.

No, I'm not up.

Not my restaurant. It's
your restaurant, big man.

- Come on, you can do it.
- All right, all right.

I'll do it, then. You
know I love to riff.

Thank you, everybody, for attending
the family and friends opening

of the best new restaurant
in Miami, Suh Casa.

Yeah. We are incredibly honored

to have such distinguished guests
with us here this afternoon.

We have some very old
friends and we... and...

You know who that is?

We also have some new partners.

Anyway, the point is, many of you

have had tremendous
impact on the success

of this fine establishment.

But true to form, only
one man in particular

has had the most impact.

He is a friend, a foodie, a businessman.

He is the league's most
fearsome teddy bear,

ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ndamukong Suh.

Suh! Suh!

This is his house. Let the man hear you.

- Thank the mayor.
- The mayor.

And Mayor Regalado. Thank
you, Mayor, for everything.

- Four more years!
- Four more years.

I can't believe Andre had
the nerve to show up.

Probably on his way to
dinner with the governor.

Yeah, I hope he fucking chokes.

Healthy attitude, Spencer.

All right, brother, see you.

Come on, give me a little smile.

A sexy new client, you got rich
and important people here.

- You've arrived.
- I'm doing okay.

I don't think I'll ever have a
40-story building like you.

- You know I like to cast a long shadow.
- Yeah.

If I wasn't so enamored with representing
star athletes like yourself,

I might run for president.

I might move to fucking France.

Well, you better stop shaving down there

because they like it hairy.

Sorry about bringing the Sizz along.

I know you got a little bad blood,

but he's my favorite party companion.

Ladies love him.

Whatever you got to do
to get an edge, Andre.

That's it.

Got to roll. Got the governor waiting.

He gets all whiny on me when I'm late.

It was a pleasure seeing you.

You gonna keep me hanging?

So, Suh Casa.

It ought to be a big hit, huh?

What's up, big dog? How you doing, man?

- What's up, Glaze?
- Jay.

- Hey, buddy.
- Spencer's taking the town by storm.

Hey, I have an idea. Why don't
you put him on your show?

You know what, man? We've been
friends for, what, 10 years?

- Yeah.
- That's the only thing he won't do.

Yeah, yeah, we'll do it. We'd love to.

We're not gonna do it. No,
I'm terrible at press.

You guys know that. No, I make Marshawn
Lynch sound like John F. Kennedy.

Don't be ridiculous. You got
to put yourself out there.

- Man up, man. Be brave.
- What's the worst that's gonna happen?

I'm not gonna dredge up your checkered
past. Hell, I'm part of it.

I just want our business
acumen to do all the talking.

Don't worry about it.
If Jay starts asking

about derivatives, I'll bail you out.

You afraid I'm gonna get
caught with my pants down?

Actually, that's a very good
way to attract female clients.

And female viewers for Jay, right?

Ladies 68-93, they love you.
You're huge.

Dude, I promise I will be gentle.

Okay, I'll do it. If I get caught
with my pants down, though,

I'm charging you extra. It's
coming out of your account.

Yeah, work it out.

You discounted me last time.
That is wrong.

This is gonna be great. See you there.

Buh-bye.

Holy shit, man!

I love his show. I've
never been on TV before.

This is gonna be amazing.
What do I wear?

You only want 30 people at
your 30th birthday party?

That's my hook. 30 for 30.

31. I'm bringing a date.

You ain't got no date, Dennis.

Your woman put you on the street.

Bet your ass I'm bringing one tomorrow.

I don't know why the fuck you
even want to go, Dennis.

There's no DJ, no dance floor,

no love pond, no shot luge,

no hos. No hos, Dennis.

T, come on, man. Respect the ladies.

Sorry, man. Look, I'm glad
you've cleaned up your image,

stayed out of trouble,
had an All-Pro season.

But shit's gotten dull since
you decided to grow up.

You should try it.

- 36 degrees.
- Yeah.

What are you, Walt
Disney all of a sudden?

Cryotank helps with the
bounce back, Dennis.

All I had in my day was
Miller Lite and butes.

You know they give that
shit to horses now, right?

- Always was a thoroughbred.
- I've recovered the clean way.

Became a law-abiding citizen and
earned every dollar I got coming.

Dolphins should be backing up
that money truck any day now.

- Beep-beep.
- Right.

I hope they carrying 30
million over three years

or you getting seriously punked.

Look at this.

- What's up, fellas?
- Hey, man. Look at this.

- Looking good, man.
- Here he comes.

Hey, 2015 Salesman of the
Month, Charles Greene.

- Good to see you.
- Not a bad left tackle either.

- Hey, Kiki's with you.
- Kiki. What a pretty baby.

- How you doing, sweetie?
- Hope y'all don't mind.

The wife had a shift at the hospital.

No, no, no, it's no trouble at all.

I really don't even know
why you need me out here.

You got all the Dolphins legends out.

You kidding me? You're the new fan
favorite. Look at them over there.

Man, I nearly shit when you
recovered that fumble for a score.

- You saw that?
- Absolutely.

The Black Swan was soaring high again.

See? See?

Hi, everybody. Welcome to my
new show live here in Miami,

"Glazed and Confused." I'm
your host Jay Glazer.

Spence, tried to get you out here
a bunch as a football player,

but now different role
as a financial advisor.

Your star is on the rise again.

We're trying to make good
things happen for our clients.

Tell everybody what you've been up to.

- Well, what...
- We manage football players

for Anderson Sports Management.

We handle finances.

- We put together deals.
- Like Suh Casa.

- Great name, by the way.
- Thank you.

Ceviche, not so much.

The primary goal of the company

is just to make sure that the players
have the attention that they need

and make sure that they have the
financial security come retirement.

And, more importantly than
that, once the pads come off,

the quality of life should
only be on the rise.

With that, we will switch gears
and go to a little football here.

Another strip-o-gram. He
loves them, by the way.

I hope it's a Ray Lewis strip-o-gram.
That would be insane.

You're close. It's his former teammate.

Somebody who asked to come on the show
the other night at your little shindig.

One of the best linebackers in
the National Football League,

T-Sizzle, Terrell Suggs.

Whoo!

Look at him on his little
scooter over there.

- What's up, big dog? How you doing, man?
- What's up, Jay?

Thank you for joining us.

Calm down, Joe. Ain't gonna
be no stripping here today.

That's lucky for us.

One thing you forgot to mention

in the difference between
me and old Strasmore here.

What's that?

When I get back, I'm still gonna be one
of the best linebackers in the league.

Why do you guys have so much animosity

for two guys who played on
the same side of the ball?

You're the one who wanted
to come on the show.

Yeah, I did.

We talk trash to each other,
but it's all part of the game.

Bullshit. Truth be told, I
wouldn't even have a problem

with you if you didn't post that
shit on Twitter back in the day.

No, no, that was a complete accident.
Twitter was new at that time.

I was just getting the hang of it.

Plus I got these big-ass thumbs.

You posted some asinine shit
about me being more concerned

with my stats than I was winning.

That was totally meant
to be a private message

- just between me and you.
- Oh.

- Just between me and you.
- Oh, okay.

But truth is, you do hype your
stats a lot all the time.

You can check the standings, old man.

Yeah, we both got rings,

but I'm the only one left
still chasing number two.

That's very clever and
under 140 characters.

Comedian, everybody. Showtime
at the Apollo over here.

No, look, at the end of the day,

there's gonna be a time where
you're gonna be retired

and you can't play anymore.
What are you gonna do?

You gonna go back to school? You
already got a PhD in talking shit.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

Our boy just put the verbal
smackdown on Sizzle.

Hey, that's the Spencer we love.

- Come on, man.
- Come on, baby.

- Hey, Spencer.
- What are you doing to us, Larry?

A lot of mouths to feed this off-season.

Where's ownership on this?

We're eye to eye. Not
a lot of wiggle room.

Let's hear your first offer.
Wait, hold up.

Let me get my bottle of champagne ready.

- All right, go ahead.
- 12 million over two years.

Six of it's guaranteed and we'll add
performance and team-based incentives.

Are you fucking kidding me? 12 over two?

- Plus incentives.
- Incentives are gravy.

The guy deserves at least
10 a year for 3, all right?

Why don't you drive on
over to Ricky's house

and start packing his
bags for him right now?

- I knew you wouldn't be happy.
- I am miserable.

- What are you guys doing over there?
- Jason.

Don't you fucking Jason me, all right?

I'm not hearing those cap
excuses and I'm sure as fuck

not bringing this bullshit
offer to my client.

Find the money or I'm
putting Ricky on tour.

And something happened
to piss you off, too,

because you got up and fought
the entire Ravens bench.

Their fullback tried to cut block me.
Tried to end my career.

- Who do you think told him to do it?
- Shit, it wasn't me.

"That one's for Sizz, bitch."

Yeah, were his exact words.

Eeeh.

And as always, his mouth wrote a
check that his ass couldn't cash.

- Bullshit.
- If I were your financial manager,

I would tell you to shut it
for once and just play ball.

You know what, Strasmore? You
forget about getting in the Hall.

You were a dirty player
and you was weak as fuck.

- Wow, I'm a fucking dirty player?
- Yeah.

That's a lot coming from the
dirtiest player in the game.

Maybe if you're lucky, they'll
put your washed-up ass

in the asshole
accountants' hall of fame.

But let's just be honest,
you're just as overrated

at your new job as you
was at your last one.

- Wow, overrated? I'm an asshole?
- Over-fucking-rated.

You need to turn your
fucking hearing aid up

or come closer so I can
speak it to you clearly.

- I'll be happy to come closer.
- No, no, no, Spence, Spence.

You know it's not the time or the place.

It is the time and the place.

Spence, Spence, Spence, Spence!

- Spence, Spence, Spence!
- Oh!

What the fuck, Spence? I
don't need ratings this bad.

- Roll it!
- You want some of this?

Somebody get him off him.
Get him off him now.

Spencer done lost his shit.

Come on, Sizz, get the (BLEEP) off him.

Ain't he a little too old
for this kind of thing?

Are you out of your (BLEEP) mind?

You know what Harbaugh's
gonna say to you?

Hoo-hoo-hoo!

That was way better than
talking about derivatives.

Fucking Sizzle.

Oh, God damn it, I'm
jacked up right now.

Is this what the
adrenaline thing is like?

Man, I feel like getting
hammered right now.

Motherfuck me!

You all right?

Yeah, yeah, fucking fantastic, Joe.

Really. It was a great idea and
I'm glad I agreed to do it.

I'll call you tomorrow. Fuck!

All right, Dolphin fan all your life?

- Hell, yeah.
- All right, good man.

There's a logo on there. I like that.
There you go.

Jackie and Tamika. Great meeting you.

- Thanks.
- Hey, stay away from football players.

Okay.

Hey, baby.

Hey. One second.

Hell of a day, fellas.

- Yeah.
- All right, now.

Coach, I guess I'll be
seeing you at mini-camp.

- Uh, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.

Speaking of which, you got any idea
when Siefert and Berg are making calls?

- Shouldn't be long.
- It's gonna be a great year.

I can feel it. Be so nice to go
out on another championship.

Elway style, you know? Give me some.

- Huh.
- Should be a great season.

- All right.
- Take care, Dwight.

Um, probably gonna be
some changes this summer.

What do you mean?

Well, they'll talk to you about it.

I just didn't want you
walking into a buzz saw.

You're a good man.

Bye, Kiki. See you later.

- Morning, Sofia.
- Good morning.

Hey, Spencer.

Old man's here to see you.

Okay.

Maybe I'll come back.

Spencer, get in here!

Oh. There he is.

Good morning, Mr. Anderson.

Love what you've done with the place.

Ah, thank you. Thank you.

You know, that ball you're
holding is a collector's item.

Really?

Coach Gruden gave me that
2002 NFC Championship Game.

- Did he?
- Yeah.

Did Gruden also teach you to go
apeshit on Jay Glazer's show?

- I was ambushed.
- Really?

You were having a
conversation on television.

People do that 24 hours,
seven days a week.

They don't go physically
attacking each other

unless it's Jerry Springer.

I trusted you with this
division, Spencer,

and all you've got to show for it
is one new client and a restaurant.

It's not enough. Can I tell you
something? It's not enough.

This football code of ethics of yours,

it's costing me business.

I got multiple calls from new York.
Multiple.

If it's one thing I fucking
hate, it's calls from New York.

I moved to paradise to get away
from those assholes in New York.

I understand. I'm sorry.

- I know it was a bad look, Mr. Anderson.
- Yeah.

And it's why I didn't want to go
on the air in the first place.

And you were the one
who put me up to it.

You blaming me for you
acting like a psychopath?

No, no.

Our registration is in jeopardy now.
Did you know that?

I did and I apologize for
embarrassing the company,

embarrassing myself, embarrassing you.

I'm sorry. It won't happen again.

You can't act on every
little impulse you have.

You represent something more now, okay?

Something more sophisticated.

You're the boss here.

Of all these people.

They look up to you. They follow you.

So stop acting like a
caveman and show some...

show some leadership.

Fuck!

I get it. I get it.

That is great to hear. You
have a wonderful day.

All right.

Do me a favor. Stab me
in the face with this.

- Please.
- What's up?

Dolphins, they're close
to being done with Ricky.

- You better call him.
- What, and ruin the guy's birthday?

What is wrong with you, Spencer?

The subtle nuance of client management
used to be your best weapon.

Now you're trying to blow up Ricky's
day, settle old scores on TV.

I don't know who you are.

- Hey, Sizzle had it coming.
- You don't actually believe that.

He's been talking shit for years.

Exactly, he was talking trash.

You went after him like a mad dog.

Have you ever heard of transference?

- Only in banking.
- It goes something like this.

Every time I scream at my therapist,

he tells me I'm angry at my mother.

You are angry at your mother.
She's dating a 15-year-old.

Right, which is why I scream at him.

But he says I'm not
really screaming at him,

I am actually screaming at her.

Do you hear yourself right now?
It's psychobabble.

That fight wasn't about Sizzle.

- Well, it wasn't about my mother.
- It was about Andre.

See, he's the one that convinced you

to gamble on that god-awful
real estate deal,

forced you to play an extra year in the
league just to get out of the red.

Look, I hate to pick at an old wound.

I'm just saying if there's somebody
that you need to be going after,

it ain't Sizzle.

How much you gonna charge
me for this right now?

First session is free. Second
time we can negotiate.

We want bottles of
Perrier-Jouët over here.

And we want a caviar bar over there.

Now, I told these ladies we don't
want any Mozart or Vivaldi jams.

We want straight up hip-hop.

Ladies?

Ah!

They call me TTD because
it's time to dance.

Unh! Unh! Let me clear my throat.

Whoo, boy, you looking fresh.

Uncomfortable, but fresh.

Shit, I'm glad you think so.

I got a Tom Ford waiting
for your ass upstairs.

Man, don't make me do that, please.

I ain't having you look like a
hobo in front of the team owner.

Get your black ass upstairs
and apply some soap.

Crystal crown looking...

Richard, get the fuck in here!

Hurry the fuck up!

I'm here with Miami Dolphins
wide receiver Alonzo Cooley

who moments ago got a brand-new deal.

Alonzo, how'd it feel to get that call?

It was bananas.

Listen, when the owner's on the line,

a thousand different thoughts
run through your mind.

Least of which is a
brand-new $12 million deal.

To everybody at the organization,
I'm very happy with this blessing.

I want to thank my moms. Moms, I
wouldn't be here without you.

You're my MVP.

There you have it, Alonzo Cooley,

a great football player
and a grateful son.

They gave Cooley your
money on your birthday?

That's fucked up, man.

Don't take it personal, Richard.

I thought I was finishing
my career in Miami.

Man, you're just a rental to them, man.

They got no real love for you.

I mean, that's what your
family is for, right?

So forget all this
grown-up party stuff, man.

Your life gonna change for the better.

So let's take this
party to the Funhouse.

Yeah.

No, y'all gonna get me in trouble.

Yeah, baby.

This mean I ain't got
to wear a suit, right?

One more.

Hey, man, I'm waiting on the Kool-Aid
man to crash through the house.

Oh, yeah.

Y'all want some of this diabetes, boys?

Man, this shit will rot your teeth out.

But it'll get you nice and fucked
up, and that's what you want.

You got dental, right?

I mean, I brush twice a day

and a little bit of floss, but I don't...
what do you mean?

Your boy ain't got no dental plan?

Dude, without dental
hygiene, you ain't got shit.

- Hey, man.
- What's he paying you?

Hey, Nate, man, come taste
some of this punch real quick.

Don't mind if I do, man. Set me up, man.

Well, in Canada it's free.
Is that what you mean?

You talk to him yet?

No, he's too busy
dry-humping the talent.

Let's not disrupt that groove.

- Siefert called.
- What'd that asshole have to say?

You know, honestly, the
guy is dead to me.

- Yeah, me, too.
- Yo, Spence.

Yo, what's up, J? All right.

Man, fucked up Rick
didn't get paid, man.

- Yes.
- What's happening, 14?

- What's up, Greg?
- Team's talking mutiny.

- Nice.
- Mutiny?

- Mutiny.
- Don't worry about it. We'll handle it.

We appreciate that, boys. Have fun.

- See you, Spence.
- Later.

God damn. Fucking guy's following
me around like the herp.

- Yeah, I invited him.
- You invited Sizzle?

Thought it'd be good for you
to work things out, you know?

As much as I enjoy
watching Ricky regress,

I'd much rather watch you progress.

Mmm.

You overestimate me, buddy.

- Yo, T.
- Yeah?

I'll bring out the sculpture.

Grab my fun bag.

You want the fun bag?

- Grab the fun bag.
- You want the fun bag.

Grab the fun bag.

Look who just rolled in with his crew.

Jesus, did he get bigger overnight?

- You should bail, huh?
- I'm not gonna fucking bail. Fuck that.

Oh, you want all these people
with their camera phones

to witness World War III at
Ricky Jerret's birthday party?

- What are you doing?
- I'm gonna go over there.

No... come on, don't. Don't.
Don't. Don't.

- Hold this for me.
- No.

I'm just gonna talk.

You could wear your watch
while you... shit!

Right here, right here,
right here, right here.

You ain't had nothing
like this, huh, Pop?

You ain't had nothing like this, Pop.

I mean, that's beautiful.
That's beautiful.

Happy birthday to me.

Hey, there's your boy.

Sizz, can I talk to you a minute?

What you want, Spence? Want
me to whup your ass again?

I don't want to throw
down with you again, man.

Shouldn't have gone after
you in the first place,

but it's those old habits, you know?

Yeah, I know. Yeah, you
ran me my fade and all,

but I almost fucked my foot
up again fucking with you.

- And even Roger called me.
- Roger called you?

- Yeah.
- Oh, man.

Hey, but it felt pretty
good mixing it up, right?

Yeah, it did.

Yeah, it's been a long
time since I hit somebody.

If you're feeling like you
have a little bit left,

maybe get your ass back on the football
field and we can do it again there.

No fucking way, big boy. No.

I just came over here
to tell you man-to-man

we're one and the same.

Why don't we bury this and just move on?

Fuck it, man. We good.

- We're good?
- We're good.

All right. You have fun tonight.

You need anything, you call me.

All right.

- Ball so hard.
- Ball so hard.

- My man.
- All right.

Ball so hard.

Stand back. Stand back.

Come on! Come on!

Ah!

- Yeah!
- Happy birthday.

- You see? That wasn't so hard.
- It's a walk in the park.

I thought you guys were
gonna murder each other.

That's the old Spencer.

The new and improved Spencer
believes in second chances.

Eh, not really.

I'm gonna sign Sizzle and I'm gonna
take the rest of Andre's clients.