Bad Teacher (2014): Season 1, Episode 8 - Nix the Fat Week - full transcript

Health Week... gross.

Excuse me.

No donuts? Like, what am I supposed to eat?

Try a vegan muffin.

They smell like leather,
but they taste like soap.

It's like we're at a lesbian wedding.

There's no way you can
eat junk food all the time

and look the way you do.

You can if you know the right doctors...

Carl spends so much
money on Health Week, but,

when I want money to start
a postseason baseball camp,



he cries poor.

Literally cries about how poor we are.

He cries a lot.

What happens during Health Week?

Oh, never mind. I just got so bored

by the end of that sentence.

How good is this breakfast?
I cannot wait to meet

the guy behind these... Chef Asher?

Oh, my God, I love him.

He's here, he's working with the school

to revamp the cafeteria
menu to make it healthier.

Oh, no, they better not be getting rid

of hamburger ice cream nachos!

- They wouldn't do that, would they?
- I don't know.



Welcome...

to Nixon's "Nix the Fat"? Week.

Uh, first off, I'd just like to say

that the faculty 50-yard-dash
has been canceled.

- Why?!
- For secret principal reasons, Pilaf!

And now I would like to introduce

the host of Health Week, a local

five-star restaurant owner

and vegan chef, Brad Asher.

This guy owns a five-star restaurant?

Hello, Nixon Middle.

Oh, he owns three restaurants.

Four if you count his food truck.

Also forgot to mention he's credited

with bringing the parsnip

to the forefront of the vegan movement.

Less relevant. Come on.

... and I even broke gluten-free bread

with the President of the United States.

Oh...

I'm also vegan.

People hear the word "vegan,"

they get scared, but don't worry

we don't bite.

I do.

Uh, who here likes bacon?

Me!

Well, I'd like you to meet bacon.

This is Mr. Pigglesworth.

He's the reason I became
vegan, and he's my best friend.

But be careful... he's not a vegan.

And he has developed a
taste for human flesh.

- What?
- What?

Irene, you're gonna
get to see me in action.

I'll teach you everything you need

to know about catching a big fish.

Oh, wait, I think I remember this.

Yeah, very good. Now tell me

everything you know about him.

And focus in on the key words:

mansion, ocean-front, villa,

Europe, family money... go.

I can tell you what kind
of salt he likes to use.

Yeah, that's not what I'm asking.

You have been on there a
while, Kim, and your heart rate

hasn't gone up, you must be in great shape!

No, it's because my heart's enlarged,

and it doesn't function properly.

Hi, I'm Navid.

Chef Asher's sous chef.

Sous chef? So, you're his Kim?

What's a Kim?

- I'm a Kim.
- Right.

And you are?

Ms. Taylor-Clapp.

And I hope you washed your hands

after you handled that adorable livestock.

Well, I just came over here to say hi.

And that is your diastolic blood pressure.

Guess I did that. See you later.

Whoa, he is so cute.

You think everybody's cute.

Big heart.

I like your number.

Chef... Hi, I'm Meredith Davis.

- The biter.
- I'm much more than that. I'm just so happy

you're here.

Fat kids are my passion, too.

- It's an epidemic.
- It keeps me up at night.

- Pretty and smart?
- I mean, that's what they say about me.

You know, but, I... I'm just a real person.

Um, this is Irene.

Oh, true. I am me.

Oh, and you're gonna do a
demonstration in my class.

Oh you're the science teacher?

Aren't you a regular at my restaurant?

Guilty as ion charged.

Well, the demonstration's gonna be fun.

I love playing around
with molecular gastronomy.

- I love playing around.
- You should bring your class, too.

I know Principal Carl wants to
involve as many kids as possible.

Come by. I mean, unless

you're teaching an important...

- Nope. It's a date.
- Well, it's not, but...

maybe we can go on one of those, too.

Tomorrow night would be
perfect; I'm only looking...

No brakes!

No brakes!

Oh. That sucks.

I'll give you five bucks
for that toaster pastry.

Oh, sorry, Lily. It's Health Week.

Oh, come on, Coach Kotsky, I'm dying here.

They replaced all the snacks in
the vending machines with fruit.

- Fruit!
- Okay, you know what, I won't

sell it to you, but I will take the money

as a donation for baseball camp.

Come on, banana! Fall!

Now, damn it!

I will smash through this glass

if I'm forced to eat a pear.

Carl, I need to talk to you.

If this is about Mr. Pilaf renting out

your classroom at night on Airbnb,

I had no idea.

And I agree; those Belgians were rude.

No. I was wondering why you cancelled

the faculty 50-yard dash.

Well, uh, the field is uneven,

the weather's unpredictable,

and I heard Kim's been blood doping.

Okay.

The truth is...

since the divorce, I
have been a little down.

Hitting the sauce kind
of hard. The cheese sauce.

And I may have put on a few extra LBs.

- Oh, I had no idea. You wear it well.
- I got a little help

under the suit. Male undergarments.

Which have become socially acceptable.

But the point is this: I am
out of shape, I can't run.

Carl, I can coach you.

You can?

Yes. I'm an excellent runner,

- obviously.
- Well, I just want to finish

middle of the pack.

I mean, if I come in last,
then people are gonna laugh.

And can you imagine? Then I'll
become a figure of ridicule.

I can't even imagine.

You know, I'm a big fan of your blog.

It's getting popular.

Oh, very. There's actually a guy in Germany

who live blogs your blog while he reads it.

I know, because my mom
printed up his last blog,

put it in an envelope and sent
it to me with a note that said,

"I saw this on the computer".

Your mom's so dumb.

Hey, those are those shoesy
make from old tires, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I... I actually
got a nail in one of 'em,

but I just... I can't bring
myself to throw them out.

- Just slave to fashion that way.
- Cool.

Hi, I'm here.

Oh, hey. Here you go.

Thank you. I love aprons.

Maybe... I should wear just
this on our date tonight.

It'll be like Top Chef.

Unless you want to be Top Chef,

and I could be Bottom Chef.

I'm no stranger to culinary euphemisms.

Is it getting hot in here?

'Cause maybe I should
just slip into my bikini.

Make that a whipped cream bikini.

Actually, that's celery foam.

We should have a foam party.

Oh, my God, I went to
one, once, in Montreal.

It was so fun, but lesson learned:

leave the leather in the
penthouse, because, apparently,

those little lambies
do not like to get wet.

Yeah.

I like to start my morning

with a breakfast burrito.

Covers all the food groups:

Protein, vegetable, grain and comfort.

Okay, my fitness regime is pretty simple.

In the few minutes of free time I have

before morning announcements,
I like to jog it out.

and do some wind sprints.

And then I have my morning coffee.

Good. Studies show that
caffeine boosts metabolism.

Carl. That's just a milkshake.

It's a coffee.

Float. It's technically a float.

Breakfast needs work.

Exercise needs work.

Oh, I know. Everything needs work.

I am an emotional eater.

What does that even mean?

I eat my feelings, Ginny. And, believe me,

I have a lot of feelings post-divorce.

Two pizzas in one sitting feelings...

pan pizzas... but this is drinking

my feelings, so it's different.

You can do this.

To make broc bites

we take liquefied broccoli

and we dip it into sodium alginate powder.

Oh, you know, if you take those broc bites

and you serve them with another

bathed in liquid nitrogen,

then you actually represent all three

- states of matter.
- But that would

only be liquid and solid broccoli.

Oh, the broccoli gas comes later.

- Okay, guys, who wants to be first?
- Pick me!

Broccoli. Spoon.

Oh, God. You're so good with the kids.

I mean, I guess we have
that gift in common.

I've actually been teaching
them about small businesses.

Maybe you could come speak to my class?

I mean, they would just love that.

Their favorite thing is
single, handsome chefs

who really, uh, bring home the vegan bacon.

Bet you do pretty well

for yourself, huh, big guy?

Like, how much we talking?

I actually don't care
that much about being paid.

As long as I'm able to
do my thing, I'm happy.

Yeah. I'd be happy to...

do your thing, too.

Meredith, at the start I thought
we were on the same page, but

now I'm not sure we
have that much in common.

- Maybe we shouldn't go out?
- We have the fat kid thing in common.

- Just doesn't feel right.
- Yeah, I'm sorry,

- I'm just, like, not following.
- Well, I'm trying

to not let myself get distracted

by shiny things in tight dresses.

One of them owns half
my first restaurant, now.

And I... I just want to date girls

that I have a real connection with.

But you're clearly attracted to me.

Oh, I like your outside.

- A lot.
- Yeah.

I just... I care more about
what's on the inside, now.

You might want to sit a different way.

I can fully see your net.

- What are you doing?
- Raising money

for baseball camp, what
does it look like I'm doing?

I used to "raise money" for
baseball camp in college.

Hey, don't cut into my profits.

Stop it! I need this.

Chef Asher cancelled our date for tonight.

He said he didn't think
we had a real connection.

- You didn't.
- Yeah, so? That's never stopped me

from dating anyone
before. He said that he...

cares more about what's inside

and about being a good person. So lame.

It's one guy that you're
not that into. Who cares?

He has more in common with Irene anyway.

I saw them comparing Amnesty
International cards...

Yeah, to see whose was more
worn out. For a good ten minutes.

Joel, this is serious... like,
"No Return Policy" serious.

No one has ever broken off a date

with me, for obvious
reasons. And it's like,

if I can't get some average-looking chef

with under ten restaurants, to like me,

then what does my future hold?

- A gym coach?
- Yes, exactly.

- There you are. How much can I buy for 20?
- Whoa, Bronwen,

you sure you want to spend all that on...

You know what I'm not
here to buy? A lecture.

All right, I'll take a dozen Tootsie Rolls,

a handful of Skittles,

heavy on the greens.

And... a bag of nacho chips.

Yeah, make it two.

- One for my girl.
- Sure.

Okay, that'll be 12 bucks.

- Okay, here you go.
- Thank you.

You know, you're really
making a killing here, Kotsky,

selling junk to these kids.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! This
money is for baseball camp

where kids run around and move.

Occasionally. To and from the dugout.

The point is, I'm making kids healthy.

If that's what you need to
tell yourself to sleep at night.

Hey, Coach, I'm next, right?

Hey! No cut-sies, huh?

Oh, crap!

I am sweating like a bag of breakfast.

Come on, I'm gonna get you to the middle

of that 50-yard dash pack.

This fitness stuff is
harder than I thought.

I tried to run on the treadmill last night.

but... but... but... Ron made pot-pies.

I mean, what am I supposed to do?

You take a long sniff of it
and you let that be enough.

Oh, I guess I could do that,
but I think I'm gonna quit.

I don't understand what you just said,

'cause I don't know what that last word is

Quit. It means to cease, to stop doing.

It's a common word that...

I know what the word means,
but quitters never prosper.

No. Cheaters never prosper.

Oh, I could cheat!

No cheating, no quitting!

Listen, Ginny, I really
appreciate you helping me out,

but maybe I just need to
accept my fate and balloon up.

It would be fun for a while,
and I'd get disability.

I know this fitness stuff is hard.

I ate a pot-pie once, In 1987.

But you have to get
your life under control.

I want you to feel as good

as I feel, and that way to do that

is to stay on course. So let's go!

- Want a hand with that?
- Oh, no, thank you.

But I think you should take another look

at your "always" table.

In my opinion, you have a lot
of questionable fruits here.

And plantains? Nice try.

How long have you had
something against plantains?

No going off course!

Son of a biscuit! What gives?!

You are embarrassing me
in front of the faculty.

It's just one cookie.

One cookie leads to two
cookies, which leads to

three boxes in bed alone.

It's not alone if you have the TV on.

Ginny, you don't get
how hard this is for me.

I am naturally curvy.

I do get it.

Before I got control of
my life, I was a fat kid,

and people were horrible.

They all claimed that I ate Amy Balducci

And so then, every time I would burp,

they would say it was
her crying out for help.

Ow! My curves!

So, how was your date with Meredith?

Oh, we didn't go out.

Oh... oh, you guys have
so much in common...

hair, arms, legs.

Yeah, I just don't think she's my type.

I mean, she thought
"quinoa" was my limo driver.

- Oh, man.
- It's really cool that you're composting.

Oh, yeah. At one time, I
actually even named my worms,

but they're just so hard to tell apart.

And then the little
nametags kept falling off.

What are we doing, guys?

Eating green beans? Fun!

Oh, we're just doing
a little trash talking.

Ooh. Composting. You know,
it's my favorite, so...

I'm setting up a compost
station tomorrow here, so...

I want to help.

Oh, God, I love composting.

Really?

Of course. Oh.

Okay, I feel like we got
off on the wrong foot.

I just was so nervous around
you, because I'm such a big fan.

You're a big fan?

Guilty as ion charged.

I'm a vegan, too.

You didn't mention that before.

Well, I am.

I have been since I was a kid.

My parents took me to
the zoo when I was little,

and I saw these really

adorable animals doing tricks
just for my entertainment.

And I just thought to myself, like,

how can I be eating these animals

when they're so talented and hilarious?

I'm sorry I just can't
take "no" for an answer.

I mean, it's just not every day that

I meet a handsome man who
has such a big heart and

small carbon footprint.

Hopefully, that's not an indication

of, um, anything else.

Ooh.

I'm glad I was wrong about you, Meredith.

Well, you can't judge a
book by its perfect tush.

Chef, we need you in the cafeteria.

'Cause, clearly, I can't approve
a smoothie station on my own.

I miss you.

Oh, Joel?

See?

I did it.

Meredith Davis is back, and
you didn't think I could.

I thought you could. I
just hoped you wouldn't.

Why? You're the one who told me

to show him my insides, and I did,

and he likes it, so... I win.

Uh, no, Irene wins. You
didn't show him your insides.

You showed him hers.

She's the one he has
the real connection with.

I mean, you're really so scared
about one guy not liking you

that you're going to
take this away from her?

Huh? She's your friend.

And this is a new low, even for you.

I've been much lower, thank you very much!

Meredith?

Some of this stuff has
hardened into bricks.

Make sure you grab the dung mallets.

Hey, Ginny, want to try a smoothie?

Chef Asher's got me
making them all day long,

'cause four years of culinary
school totally qualifies me

to throw rotten fruit in
a blender and press "on."

Still, they're pretty good.

Smoothies are just desserts

dressed up in snacks' clothing.

Hey, listen, would you
want to hang out later?

Well, I need 10,000 steps,
and I am only at 783, so...

Ginny, a word, please?

Why are you giving the handsome,
bearded man a cold shoulder?

What are you talking about?

Well, he's obviously interested in you.

Why aren't you chest deep

in that beet root smoothie right now?

I don't expect you to understand this,

but I take my routines very seriously.

I didn't get where I am
now by breaking the rules.

Yeah, but living by the rules is fine,

but if you never break the
rules, are you really living?

My roommate Ron has a no-eating
in-the-living-room rule.

But after he goes to bed,

I have been known to rip open
a bag of those cheese balls

and go to town until my mustache
looks like a traffic cone.

But I don't like going off course.

I'm not good at that.

But you're good at so many things.

Filing...

What makes you think you
won't be good at this, too?

Trust me.

He is kind of intriguing.

Go get that smoothie.

Hey, girl.

Oh. Hey.

Great news about you and the chef.

Seems like you guys really hit it off.

Maybe I can pig-sit sometime.

He's not into me.

- Oh, he isn't?
- Irene,

you have some great insides, but chefs

like outsides, too.

I'm sorry, but I have got a plan.

All right, up we go. Come on.

Take off your clothes.

Oh, okay... all right.

Wow, Irene.

You look great.

Oh, thank you.

I just put on a little makeup...

that was only tested
on humans. Don't worry.

All right, listen,

she likes you, you should like her,

and I hate all of this.

- What?!
- Oh, yeah, everything you thought about me

from the beginning was true.
I'm shallow, I like bacon.

- The person you're into is Irene.
- You're single?

What about the stroller
you bring to my restaurant?

It's for her ferret.

There's probably room in there

for Mr. Pigglesworth... that way, you guys

never have to worry about anyone

from the opposite sex ever being attracted

to either one of you ever again.

I'm sorry I didn't realize what
a connection we had right away.

You and your ferret... s...

are welcome at my restaurant any time.

In fact, I'd love to
take you there tonight.

Hey.

Guys. You open?

As a matter of fact, I am.

Granola bars? They got to you, too, huh?

Hey, I held out as long as I could.

Go ahead, guys. It's on me.

Well, I was planning on
starting my diet on Monday,

but I guess I'll start now.

My girl will sure be happy.

For the last time... I am not your girl.

Chicks, right?

Mmm! This is the best
meal I've had all week.

Wait. How did you end up with that pig?

Well, every hot girl needs a fat friend.

Plus, I'm, uh, pig-sitting

while Irene is on the date with her chef.

I hope they're, uh, really
loving each other's insides.

Man, why are you so offended

by someone liking what's on the inside?

Most people think that's
a good thing, you know?

Well, I like to keep things surfacey.

You know? It's just easier for everyone.

- Why?
- Because not everybody has such nice insides, Joel.

Some people have darker pasts and insides

that nobody wants to hear about.

No, but that's how you know
if someone's right for you.

You know, if you share all that stuff,

and then they... stick around.

Nobody wants to know what's
below my surface, Joel.

Nobody wants to hear about
my mom and her 20 boyfriends

and three husbands while I was growing up,

or that she told me to meet a rich guy

before my face and my boobs went.

See?

Guys just want to see me bend over.

Nobody wants to hear the other stuff.

I do.

You would?

I mean, I also want to
see you bend over, so...

It was so awesome.

- Nice.
- I think I won.

I don't know about that.

Yay, Carl! You did it! We did it!

Yeah, I guess this Health
Week was as important

foe staff as it is for the kids.

- Thank you.
- Aw...

I can't believe I lost.

I'm never coming back!

He did the same thing last year.

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