Bad Teacher (2014): Season 1, Episode 7 - Divorced Dudes - full transcript

Look...

it's my favorite long-term houseguest.

Meredith, join us.

Can't. Late for work.

Meredith teaches at Lily's school.

Her husband left her with nothing.

- Well, it isn't public school, is it?
- It is.

When I have real kids, they won't go there.

Lily's just my stepdaughter,

even though she lives with us full-time.

And who are you?



Poppy took your spot in our doubles game.

She has an amazing backhand.

Oh. That's how you get forearms like that.

On second thought, those kids

can learn around my schedule.

I am the boss.

- The boss.
- To being the boss.

To being the boss.

You have to get on the bus now,

or the driver says
she's gonna write you up.

Ha, ha, ha.

Very funny joke, Lily.

She said they'll dock your paycheck.

You know what?



Those kids need me.

I don't need a bus chaperone,

and I've told everyone who will listen.

- So, your mom and your two cats?
- Wrong.

I only have one cat and two moms.

Morning, Safety Patrol!

Go easy on the blush, okay?

I looked like a transvestite on Friday.

There's nothing wrong with
looking like a transvestite.

They're just like you and me.

This is why you don't have a boyfriend.

I don't have a boyfriend because I'm 12.

What's your excuse?

Nice one, Bronwen!

Yeah!

Hey, is that... my convertible?

Stop the bus.

Mitzi...

Hey.

Remember me? You took my car,

my husband, and my house?

Along with all the art

I pretended to understand?

Hope you're happy.

I really am.

Thanks for asking.

Hey, divorc?e! Back on the bus!

I see things are going well for you.

They are. I've moved on.

And by the way, don't look for me

at the country club,
because my next husband...

... won't be a member of the country club,

- he'll own one.
- Work in one.

I'd give you a ride,

but with my Birkin, there's no room.

Sad face.

You're late.

And you wear pants with
an elastic waistband.

Now what?

Okay, kids.

Miss Davis is having

a super crappy day, okay?

So why don't we just

shut our faces

and get ready for some learning?

Um...

where's my lesson plan?

Some kid picked up the TV.

And you just sat there?

Great!

This is why China is winning!

Hey! Hold up, Tank Top!

It's not a tank top,
it's a sleeveless shirt.

I don't care, I just want my TV back.

Although I am seeing a lot of side boob.

Hey!

This TV was checked out by another teacher.

My orders were clear.

Wait! Time-out. My nails.

Really? Hey...

- Give it back!
- No. Stop it.

I'm still taking it.

She was driving

my old car, and I was like,

"I don't even care."

You know, like, she can have my old life,

because I am blazing a new one.

But, Irene, you should have
seen her, she's so gross.

Fake hair, fake boobs, and...

Guys... FYI, before I
hand out the paychecks,

I reserve the cafeteria

for my special group

today and Wednesday, so...

Uh, I need something, Principal Carl.

Someone has checked out the big TV,

even though I use it for
serious educational purposes

in my classroom every day.

I want it and I need it back.

Well, Meredith, we all have to share.

That is the Fighting Quaker way.

Not the Fighting Quaker three-way,

which was graffitied behind the gym.

Got the checks here.

Um, I know where the TV is.

Ginny checked it out, but isn't using it.

She says that it is

teaching someone a lesson,

but I don't know how because

it's just in the corner of the room.

- Of course you took it.
- Took it?

Or rescued it?

That poor TV was getting

so sick of teaching your class.

Hmm.

Come on, Kim.

- Let's go.
- Okay.

- Um, I haven't finished my lunch...
- Now!

All right. I am supposed

to take my medication with
food, but that's okay...

Ginny checked out the TV

just so I can't have it.

Now my kids aren't gonna know

what happens to Omar.

I hate this place.

Oh, me, too.

Except I do kind of love it.

I have to find a way out of here, Irene.

I only took this job

so I could find a rich guy...

... to fall in love with.

- Nice save.
- Oh, look.

It's a gym teacher. I thought I smelled

dirty socks and failed dreams.

Ooh.

Somebody knows my scent.

And here's your first Nixon... paycheck.

Listen, we gotta talk.

My ex got off our friends and family plan

and that brought some stuff up.

Emotional stuff, and you are my rock.

- So I'll call you later, okay?
- Okay.

God knows I have enough

free minutes now.

- Kotsky...
- Thank you, sir.

Hang in there.

you're his "rock"? Really?

He's divorced, I'm
divorced... I... I don't know,

- we kind of get each other.
- Well, I guess that explains

why he didn't ask too many
questions about your r?sum?.

Uh, state tax?

Social Security?

FICA?

Is this Obama?

Is this why everybody's mad?

Are you gonna help with
Safety Patrol at all?

Does no one see our tip jar?

It's like...

What do I gotta do?

Joel...

- Joel?
- Yeah?

Who are those guys

who don't wear shorts to work?

Uh, well, first

I'd like to explore why you
hate gym teachers so much.

I'm just not into guys
who can't do their jobs

if they forget their whistle.

You know what? You have not
changed since high school.

Now, who are those guys?

They're in Carl's Divorced Dudes group.

So they're all divorced?

Oh. Yeah.

Yeah, I've... I've met 'em.

Mostly doctor-lawyer types

who just talk about
wanting to meet new wives.

It's crazy.

You're just saying that.

No, no.

He met 'em at, um, Stanford.

Stanford? That's a smart people school.

Yeah, and they must be successful

if they can leave their jobs early,

without a whistle, just
to go to a support group.

I mean... whew.

- Good point.
- Yeah.

- Thanks, Coach Kotsky.
- No problem.

Quit lookin' at my tush.

Oh, sorry.

It's just distractingly firm.

So I just heard about
your divorce support group.

I mean, you know me.

I love supporting and being supported.

Sorry.

It's called "Separated and Divorced Dudes."

I know you and I have a very special bond,

and just as you have been there for me,

I am always here for you.

I know.

But... I mean, those shoulders of yours

could use a rest.

Supporting me and...

the school, and...

that elegant bald head...

... of yours. It just...

Don't do that,

'cause if you start, I'm gonna start.

All right, you can come.

Thank you.

But let's keep this on the down-low.

I like to keep my private life private.

Yes, my wife left me,

but the whole world
doesn't need to know that.

Principal Carl?

You're leaning on the P.A. again.

Okay.

I'll see you after school.

Uh, attention, Nixonians.

Please disregard that last

drama class improvisation. Thank you!

Hi.

You were right about me showing movies.

So I've decided to try
something else in my class.

Apparently, it's not wearing
proper workplace attire.

Kim is gonna teach for me.

Baptism by fire.

It's the Meredith Davis

educational philosophy.

- TM.
- What?

Oh, yeah. There's a student
teacher sign-up sheet

in Principal Carl's office.

Apparently, you can check out anything.

TVs, traffic cones, lightbulbs, Kim...

Got her for the rest of the year.

But I'm always with Ginny.

We share a pedometer.

Kim... just go.

I...

I guess I'll just count my own steps.

Enjoy the TV.

One... two... three...

But I've never taught before.

Ginny still has me training with dolls.

You're ready. You've been following

Ginny around for a year.

It's time for the student teacher

to become the teacher.

Okay.

Go get 'em, Miss...

Kim!

Irene!

Can't talk, my sisters were just
in a horrible boating accident.

I'm the one that called the front office.

They're fine. Surprise!

Oh... oh, yeah.

I was wondering how they got a boat.

We're playing hooky.

You're gonna take me to get

my hair and my nails done.

Great.

I don't know what we do now.

I should've watched the whole movie.

'Cause we are alone, but we are what?

Not forgotten.

Absolutely.

'Cause we all know that being alone

is really being in a
relationship with ourselves.

Everyone, this is Meredith.

- Meredith?
- Th... thi... this is the Meredith?

This is your rock?

Yes!

I am Carl's rock.

A recently divorced rock...

Matt.

- Hi.
- And...

this is Irene.

She's not divorced, but
she is totally alone.

Oh, well, not totally alone.

I have two ferrets,

and, uh... one on the way.

He's coming from Mexico

as soon as he gets his musk sacs removed.

Uh, would you care to join the circle?

Very much.

Duck...

duck... just kidding.

We can play games later.

- Thank you.
- Oh, yeah...

- Sit...
- So sweet.

So, I saw my lawyer this week.

Mmm. Luckily, he didn't see me,

so those divorce papers remain unsigned.

That's so hard.

Yeah.

But I'm here to support you.

Oh.

... in any way...

I... can.

Whoo!

I have a great drinking game!

I just need a black AmEx.

No, that's... that's not liquor.

That's my wife's scent:

gardenia, orange, pancake batter,

and prescription dandruff shampoo.

He's a perfumer. He's
gonna do all of our exes.

Divorce is a journey, not a destination.

It's like a journey...

Hey, why the long face?

You set me up.

Pretty good for a dumb gym teacher, huh?

As you guys know, my
wife Carla cheated on me.

I ran into the guy she cheated on me with,

the other day at the gym.

I popped in to put one of my
"roommates wanted" flyers up.

I've already heard this.

I can't imagine her with someone else.

It was always Carla and Carl.

Now it's Carla and Carl.

His name is Carl, too.

I... I just lost it.

I screamed, "I hope you're happy, Carl!"

From inside my car in a
parking lot. He's a big guy.

Oh.

Just...

Come here. We got your back.

Ah, thank you, guys.

It really hurts.

You're stepping on my foot... please.

Oh, sorry.

Hey, Rock, you want to get in on this?

Yeah, you're one of us.

What?

Yeah, you're just like us.

I'm not like you guys at all.

Not at all.

Like, not at all at all.

What do you mean?

Look at yourselves.

You guys are just a bunch
of pathetic sad sacks.

Oh, no, no, no. It's called a hugwad.

We do 'em at the ferret
handlers' convention.

I don't think she understands.

Excuse me. Of course I understand.

My husband left me, too.

But I moved on. Sulking...

in some hugwad isn't
getting you guys any closer

to the life you want.
It's keeping you from it.

You shouldn't define yourself as separated

and divorced dudes.

You should just be, like...

dudes.

Wait. Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait!

Show us how. Show us how to be dudes.

Guys, everyone, stay in the hugwad, please.

But we just got these silk-screened.

Kim!

Kim...

Yeah, that's good,

'cause I think it's better

when you get really specific about it.

Wow, I was sure you would be long gone.

Well, I had to help.

I'm having them send an
accidental text to their ex.

It's pretty genius. Ned,
Ned, come here, honey.

Why don't you read yours?

Oh. Um, "Hey, lover, the
sex last night was great."

And then a minute later
he sends a follow-up text.

"Oops. Sorry, that was
meant for someone else."

Nice.

I... I... I... I... I
feel healthier already.

Mm-hmm. Sometimes you
don't choose being a hero.

Being a hero chooses you.

You know what? I'm impressed.

You are human... ish.

How about that?

Well, it's not perfect,
but, you know, it will do.

I could say the same about you.

Oh, thank you.

You can't write, "I still love you, Carla."

- It doesn't work.
- You doesn't work!

- What is wrong with you?
- I want my tissues back.

No! I did not shed one tear over my ex.

- You don't need them.
- Yes, I do need them!

You may be my rock,

but these dudes are my pillow to cry into.

And I don't want rocks in my pillow.

I'm not ready to move on.
You're ruining everything!

I just want you to be as healthy as I am.

It's called tough love.

I don't want tough love.

I want very, very soft love.

And if you're so healthy,
why did you use me

to get in this group so
you can meet somebody?

What? No.

I saw your little flirty routine.

"Oh, my God, games are for later!"

went to Stanford... for two years.

You don't even know what
you're talking about.

You're not my rock anymore.

You are fired!

Just to clarify, you're fired as my rock.

Your job is safe. I'm not
allowed to fire another teacher

without school board approval.

Okay.

I'm really flattered that you chose me

to be your new soft rock.

Just not really sure why.

- You're the first teacher I saw.
- Okay, cool.

Um, are we gonna be done soon?

Because, you know, the rest
of the kids are showing up.

Pretty soon. Man, last night was rough.

I ate an entire cracker barrel.

I didn't even know that was a real thing.

What do I do now?

Laps. Run lots of laps.

The answer is always laps.

- Hey, what's going on? Did you break him?
- It's okay.

I'm gonna fix him.

Just say good-bye to sad,
pathetic Principal Carl.

Oh, my God, you're gonna
kill Principal Carl.

No. Look, I'm helping
him. I'm just not done yet.

It's all part of the plan
that I'm still working on.

Why don't you get him to the cafeteria

- after school, okay?
- Yeah.

Um, why would I give Kim back?

Because I have something you want.

All right, let me see.

Hmm...

I don't know.

I kind of think I want
to keep Kim. She's great.

I don't have to be here to
turn her on in the mornings,

and she just learned how
to massage both of my feet

at the same time!

Big hands.

Trust me, the TV is much better.

Why do you want Kim back so bad?

Sharing a pedometer has
become incredibly difficult.

Okay, okay, I'll take
the TV back, but I need

you guys to fill in for me after school.

Fill in where?

- Now I have two chaperones?
- Great.

Again! Again!

Wait a minute.

This doesn't look like a nice quiet place

that's great for real talking.

Yeah, sorry. I promised I'd get you here.

Carl, we're all here because
we want you to move on.

So I've contacted Carla,

and she's agreed to a conference call.

- What?
- And so did the guy

- she cheated on you with.
- What?!

I told her you were in a boating accident.

She should be calling any minute.

But I fired you as my rock.

Well, you can't fire me as your rock.

I'm sorry, but I don't
care about these dudes.

Why would you say that?

Okay, sorry,

but you and I get each other.

I don't want you being dumped

to be the defining moment in your life.

Trust me, this will help.

I don't need to talk to Carla.

That's why I have the group!

You had no right contacting her.

I had all the right.

You are living a pathetic existence

hoping that your old life
just knocks on your door.

Uh, no, I'm not, because first of all,

I don't have a door. I
have a string of beads.

Stop making excuses!

Get on that party line with Carla

and tell her she ruined your life!

That you had everything, and now it's gone!

And you are stuck with
nothing at a crap job

while that slut drives around
in your Mercedes convertible!

- Excuse me?
- There's no guarantee

that life will turn out
the way you want it to!

Even though you are hot

and have a great rack!

Hey, divorced dudes,
let's hit up Juanita's.

First pitcher of margaritas on me,

second through fifth, I will
not be around for. Come on.

However great my rack may be,

I think this is really about you.

No. Uh-uh.

I...

I'm fine, okay?

I am totally...

All right, all right.

... totally... fine.

Come on.

Oh, the gum's in there pretty good.

Do you want me to try to chew it out?

Why are you guys chaperoning today?

Ginny did it to get me back.

- She likes me.
- Kim, enough!

No pedometer could measure
how far we went today.

I really thought I had moved on.

I thought I was over Ray.

And then seeing his new
girlfriend driving my car,

I just realized there's no going back

to my old life.

This is...

really where I'm at right now.

Maybe it's not so bad.

No, it is.

After the text yesterday,
my ex called right away.

Yeah, mine... mine, too.

- Then what'd you do?
- Let it go to voice mail.

And then I called her right back,

but still a huge victory.

I haven't been on a date since my divorce.

But maybe you and I could go
on a real first date sometime.

Well, I've been on a lot of first dates.

Oh... But how about we go on a second date?

- Hi!
- Hi.

- Oh, hey.
- Hi.

It's cool, you really did help those dudes.

So, are you, like, an unofficial
member of the group now?

I am an official member of the group.

I'd love to see you in that shirt.

I'd also love to see you out of that shirt.

I've already hit rock bottom once today.

Here's to moving on.

Hey! To moving on!

To moving on!

To moving on!

Now who wants to do shots

and leave nasty messages
on my ex's voice mail?