Bad Teacher (2014): Season 1, Episode 6 - Yearbook - full transcript

It is a sad day here at Nixon Middle.

As some of you may or may not know,

- we lost dear old Mrs. Felix.
- Aw.

- We later found her, but she was dead.
- Uh... what?

Dead set on leaving us for a better place.

Better Place Charter School.

Wait, I'm confused. Is she dead?

Yes. She's dead to me.

Oh. She was in charge of the yearbook,

and she didn't finish it before she left.

- Very unprofessional.
- Well, remember



when she gave notice, you
did call her a dirty traitor.

I later apologized.

Told her to burn in the depths of hell

and broke off her car antenna.

Anyway, the final, final date

to turn the yearbook into
the publisher's is tomorrow

or we don't get one at all.

Aw, looks like no yearbook. Tears.

There will be a yearbook this year.

We sold lots of ads to
businesses and, if we cancel it,

we're gonna have to pay that money back.

Which we cannot do, as that
money has already been spent.

That doesn't seem wise.

What, now you're a
financial wizard? What about



your idea to invest in
that ostrich racetrack?

That is a real sport.

I sent you a link.

Okay...

I'm gonna need that link.

Uh, we really need to
find someone to take over

- the yearbook.
- I'll do it! I was yearbook chair

all four years of high school, and then...

Of course you were a yearbook nerd.

Thank you, Ginny. Uh,

- you got the job.
- Great.

As yearbook chair, I will need a team.

A task force, if you will. Anyone?

The volunteer will receive

Mrs. Felix's $25 bonus.

$25? You can't even buy a bag of wee...

ee...

Oh, screw it. Weed. You
can't even buy a bag of weed.

The volunteer will also
receive a free Botox treatment,

care of Glaser Dermatology.

- In!
- Great, Meredith.

Welcome aboard.

Actually, I can do this alone.

Ginny, two minds are better than one.

Except for the Menendez brothers.

Erik really needed Lyle
to formulate that plan.

Kim, write this down.

Got to go out to the truck.

Screw it.

Somebody wing me a nougat
bar! I'll look the other way!

This is stealing.

Man, these people are animals.

Yes, they are.

Heads up!

Um...

the... educational...

system in urban settings is...

Every time?

You are late. We have tons of
pictures to categorize and scan

for the yearbook. And I hope
that you are good with Photoshop

because we have about ten
nip slips to fix, all by you.

I actually thought I'd just

start off by putting my tootsies up

and getting inside a nice bottle of cava.

But just holler if you need anything.

Just like high school.

What? All the popular kids would

sign up for yearbook for
their college applications

and then they would do absolutely nothing.

- So selfish.
- I was not doing nothing, okay?

I was hanging out with the popular boys

and, trust me, they did
not think I was selfish.

Ick. All right.

You don't have to
participate, but I will tell,

and that means no cut
of the $25 and no Botox.

Fine. I'll help you.

I just need to pee,

grab a latte and have a smoke.

Okay, Kim,

I am not gonna beat around the bush

is a phrase I never really
understood the meaning of,

so I'm just gonna say this straight out.

You failed your teachers' exam.

What? There must be some mistake.

I asked my Magic 8 Ball

if I was gonna pass and it said

to ask again later.

All right, Kim, you may be the...

best student teacher we've ever had here.

And your bulletin board
design skills are unrivaled.

So I am gonna help you pass that exam.

- But you're so busy.
- I want to.

There's a re-test tomorrow at 7:00 a.m.

Now, if you are willing to dig in,

I will cancel my Friday night plans

and stay here with you all night.

Oh, I don't want you to cancel your plans.

I won't then. I'll see you
after I give my roommate

Ron a wash and perm.

All night long.

Whoa. You guys look kind of good. Who died?

Uh, Pilaf's great-uncle died.

- Oh, sorry.
- So we're taking the coaches clubbing

with my ballin' cousins. It's a tradition.

We honor the fallen by

hiring a limousine and paying a 600% markup

on wine and spirits.

So is, uh, Janet gonna be there?

- I hope her going-out vest is clean.
- Actually,

- we're giving each other some space this weekend.
- Oh, really?

- Really.
- So, you're just going to the club,

on the prowl for some strange?

What? No. I don't know.

We're just hanging with
some friends, you know?

Throwing back some drinks at Bungalow.

- In honor of Great-Uncle Pilaf.
- What?

You guys are going to Bungalow?
What are you doing there?

That's a nice place, like...

- an I-would-go-there nice place.
- What? I go to nice places.

Uh, yeah, like Planet Hollywood,

opening night, Fresno.

I don't know if you guys peered
out of the window recently.

There is a limo. It's
got balloons coming out

of the sunroof. It's big enough
to hold an enormous check.

I think I finally won

the Publisher's Clearing House
million dollar sweepstakes!

Uh, Carl, that's, that's, uh, our limo.

Oh, man!

- Sorry.
- Hey, Meredith,

- how's the yearbook coming?
- Oh, so great!

Ginny just sent me out to
get more computer chips.

Ah, delegating. Nice management.

Boss Nehru.

Oh!

All right, well, our coaches' coach awaits.

Wait, wait, wait, wait! What about me?

I want to go to Bungalow

with Pilaf's rich cuzzies and no Janet.

Come on. Ginny's gonna let you leave?

After a few attempts

of me "trying to help" her, she will.

I mean, I'm going to Bungalow.

Pilaf's great-uncle
would've wanted it that way.

Actually, my uncle considered
women his social lessers.

Okay, I'll just wait in the limo.

Give me two minutes.

Okay.

Uh, hey, Ginny.

Seems like nothing's wrong.

- Yeah, I'm fine!
- Great.

- So, my theory checks out.
- Actually, I'm not.

My boyfriend just called
and broke up with me.

Oh, my God, you have a
boyfriend and I don't?

We were on again,

and then we were off again, and then a few

months ago, I was just so
fed up, and so I ended it.

And then he begs me to take him back.

And he makes all these promises.

And so I did, and it was great.

And then I thought he was the one.

And now, out of the blue,

he just called me and broke up with me!

- I can't believe it.
- I know!

A boyfriend. And I'm single.

It's, like, what world are we living in?

- I mean, that sucks. He's a jerk.
- Yeah.

- So, how's the yearbook looking?
- Oh, I can't even think

about the yearbook now.

Mm-hmm. But you'll totally be able to

in, like, two minus, right?
'Cause there's so much

riding on this: kids'
memories, my line-free face.

Hey. I just need three minutes.

Five, ten, tops.

A good hour.

Just go.

We have been over every subject,

and I cannot find one
weaknesses. You're gonna be out

from under Ginny's thumb and running
your own classroom in no time!

My own classroom?!

Wow!

Guess who thinks you're ready

for a practice test. Guess.

I do!

You failed.

You failed really bad.

What happened?!

You knew this material.

I guess I buckled under pressure.

Guess I'm gonna be

a student teacher forever.

Ok, well, uh, I'm just gonna
get going on this yearbook.

I guess I'm just gonna give everyone
in, uh, Black History Club afros.

Or, you know what?

I should probably just give
everyone in the yearbook afros.

So, just stop me.

Feel free to take over at any time

if this isn't your vibe, so...

You know, I've been
through breakups, Ginny,

so I know exactly what you need.

We are gonna write him a letter
that you're never gonna send.

Pen to paper, validate
your stupid feelings.

Dear Ian,

I am so glad to be done with you

because now I can focus...

on finishing this yearbook. Are you rich?

If so, I have...

a super hot...

friend for you.

Here you go.

Okay, and now you can get on back to it.

Hallelujah!

Man, have we overcome.

No, we haven't.

Right, because you hate him

and you have to get that
hate out of your heart.

You have to destroy
something that he loves.

What have you got?

Feels good, right?

I guess so.

Yeah, you go, girl!

Spice World! Queen for a Day!

Okay, here's how you get back at him.

You finish that yearbook!

'Cause if you don't finish
that yearbook, he wins.

I mean, it's just that obvious.

You know, I have been racking my brain,

and I realize the problem is your brain.

You sound just like my pediatrician.

Now, I realized that
when it's just you and me

studying in a friendly environment,

you have total command of the material.

But when the pressure's
on, your brain freezes.

So what your brain needs
is a little antifreeze.

I drank some of that as
a kid. It was delicious.

Kim! Wow, I see why Ginny does that.

Let me help you.

But how do we fix my head?

I know a thing or two about mental blocks.

I've been stuck on page seven
of my novel for 23 years.

You mark my words.

You're gonna pass that test

and Detective Carl Gaines is gonna find out

who the real Frisco Slasher is.

it's not who you think.

You'd be surprised to know that Carl tried

to make coleslaw with this very shredder.

That doesn't surprise me at all.

Turned out pretty good.

That does surprise me.

So many surprises. Hey,
let's keep it moving, okay?

This is a little tougher than I thought.

But not nearly as bad

as when the Shumaker kid
laminated his scrotum.

I'll be back.

Thank you.

Great. Let's get back to business,

buckle down and do this.

Oh, sorry. I have to get
this. It's just some...

It's my priest, so...

Hello, Joel.

Hey, hey! The limo is on its way.

This club is nuts!

There's so many strobe lights.

I've seen two people have seizures.

One person had a seizure,
and the ambulance came,

and the lights made the
other person have a seizure.

Awesome.

And Pilaf's cousins spent a grand

on a two-foot bottle of vodka.

Joel-y!

Come help me with the shots.

Who's that? Is that Mr. Pilaf?

Oh, no, it's just some girl's birthday.

Her friends got her 21 shots.

We're just helping her drink them.

Joel! Come on!

Wow. Sounds like that girl's
really all over your...

I'll see you soon.

... penis.

Welcome to my relaxation dojo,

which is just an old storage room,

soothing music and a tapestry I threw over

the third row seat of
my brother's Suburban.

Cool.

What are we doing here?

I'm gonna try and help you

get over your fear of taking tests

by using "vocal visualization."

You visualize what you want,

you say it out loud.

So I just say everything I think?

Yep. Take it away.

Okay. I am...

picturing a map.

Oh, it's my hometown.

Yes...

There's the gazebo.

And who could forget

the Daverman murder house?

Don't want to go there.

Maybe just a peek.

Oh, hey, Mr. Daverman.

I thought you were condemned to death row.

Sure, I'll take a tour of your cellar.

Oh, boy.

Nice.

Um, I'm just gonna go to the bathroom.

But, uh...

- ... I'm definitely coming back.
- Just go.

I heard you on the phone, I
know you don't want to be here.

Maybe.

I know you just pretended to care about me

because you want me to finish the yearbook.

I get it.

And where did we land
on the Botox of it all?

You can have it.

- My whole life just fell apart
- _

- _
- and I have to start all over again,

and I honestly have no idea how to do that.

So I'm just gonna do the yearbook,

'cause at least that's
one thing I know how to do.

Look, it's gonna be hard

at first, but you'll...

Just go.

We both know you were never gonna help.

Just go.

Uh, okay, I'm gonna jump in here.

Let's focus on a more positive,

less terrifying scenario.

Think about something you want to achieve.

Like... it's your first day as a teacher,

in front of your own classroom.

Nothing but your wits
and a teacher's edition.

I'm not... sure.

Okay, let me show you.

It's a late summer afternoon.

I walk into the kitchen

and my cereal's not stale,

because my roommate Ron

remembered to put the
top on the stay-fresh tub.

And the landline rings.

And it's Stanford, my alma mater.

I have been chosen to give
the commencement speech.

And in the back of the auditorium,

in sunglasses so wide
they'll break your heart,

stands Carla.

And we stroll toward the quad,

laughing and talking about her new beau

who just got smushed by a garbage truck.

Hey.

- Fixed the shredder for Ginny.
- Why?

'Cause you have nothing better to do

- and you live here?
- Yeah. That's it.

Come on. She's having a tough day.

You like Ginny?

Okay.

All fixed.

That's the worst shredder blowout

I've seen since Ms. Patchell's
class hamster climbed in.

Well, I appreciate your strong work ethic.

Tried to fix the jersey, too, but...

no such luck.

So what happened between you and this dude?

Dude? No.

This jersey's mine.

Cool.

He obviously didn't deserve you.

Uh... are we gonna talk about that?

Talk about what?

Why... why are you back?

I went to the club for, like, one second,

but I was so obviously
the hottest one there

I just felt like I was taking attention

away from everyone, so...

Well, there's a lot of work here to do,

so did you come back to just stand there

or are you actually gonna help?

- Oh, I'm gonna help.
- Good.

You.

I feel like someone's choking me,

and not in the fun way.

Is there anything to cover the rest of me?

Ugh, I feel like Mrs. Doubtfire.

I feel like a whore.

- You look amazing!
- You look amazing!

Okay...

Go get him, tiger.

Wait, what about the yearbook?

Oh, Carl will get over it.

Or... you could do it.

Come on.

I've been around tons of yearbook nerds

and you are just as smart as them.

You really think I can do it?

Didn't you ever secretly wish

that you were one of us yearbook nerds?

Nope.

Not for a minute. But I'll try.

Okay...

Good luck, hot stuff.

Girls up, tush out.

You found me.

Well, you didn't go very far.

I can't help it, I love this school.

Plus, I have night blindness

and it is not safe for me to drive.

Kim, what is going on?

Hard to say.

I can't see.

Kim!

Sorry.

Every time you mentioned me

in a classroom without Ginny,

it made me want to climb out a window.

Fool me once, Kim.

But I'm scared!

What if I'm not a good teacher?

If I don't pass the test,

then I'll never have to leave Ginny

and we'll never find out.

I want to show you something.

Joel. Hi.

Yeah, I missed the limo.

But do you know what or where a Photoshop

is or may be located?

Uh, isn't that above your pay grade?

What?

We got kicked out.

Pilaf got so amped he
started dancing on our table.

He fell through, glass everywhere.

Every time I hear Sir
Mix-a-Lot, I get really angry.

- But in a fun way.
- Holla.

So we brought the party here.

What do you say we ditch yearbook

and fish this foot of vodka?

What do you say we ditch that vodka

and finish the yearbook?

Wait a minute. You look different.

Where are your boobs?

This is it.

The Hall of Principals.

Nixon's finest.

I thought it was a myth.

Curtis Boone.

Spearheaded the Get Up and Go

Young Readers Program.

Al "Teriyaki" Windsor.

Introduced the free lunches

for impoverished students and Hawaiians.

Rune Mayweather.

Brought back corporal punishment.

Resigned in disgrace.

There she is...

my mentor and my predecessor,

Martha Pyle.

Rune? Man or woman?

I can't tell from the name or the picture.

Kim, stay with me, please.

You know, I started as an English teacher.

That's all I ever wanted to be.

But Martha, she saw a lot more in me.

And she pushed me.

It smells kind of bad in here.

I was offered the job
of principal three times

before I accepted. Why?

Because I was scared.

You were?

But taking that leap was
the best thing I ever did.

Oh, you know what?

I think I finally get it.

Hey, let's go pass that test.

Yeah.

Wow.

These are really good.

The sketches or the Chewy Chews?

- The sketches and the Chewy Chews.
- Mmm.

Especially this sketch

of a box of Chewy Chews.

I draw what I like.

So did you strike out with
all those 21-year-olds?

Wouldn't you like that?

Actually, yeah, I struck out pretty hard.

Oh, my God.

- We're done.
- Yes...

- I did it!
- Okay, yearbook nerd.

Whatever, dumb jock.

I...

I... I really, really want to,

I just... I shouldn't.

Because I'm still kind of with Janet.

I'm sorry.

Tease.

Shut up.

Thanks.

Congratulations, Kim, you passed.

I did?

Oh, wow!

Oh.

I guess it's all real, then.

I'm gonna have to move on.

Well, I just checked.

Now, there's a small waiting
list for a teacher's position,

but something should be
opening up in about four years.

So, can I stay on

as a student teacher
under Ginny until then?

We would be honored to have you.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

What's going on here?

Yearbook, son.

Weird stuff happens here on the weekends.

The yearbook just came in.

- Everybody circle up.
- All right.

That's exciting.

Ooh... All right.

Here it... Whoa, wait a minute.

"My yearbook"?

What the... ?

"But mostly Ms. Davis"?

Oh, now she's Spike Lee?

Here we go.

What?

Okay, those are thumbnails.

Maybe it gets better.

Uh-oh. It's all Meredith.

Oh, I like it.

More Meredith!

Ew.

She looks pretty there.

What?

We're going to have to redo this.

So...

Nailed it, right?