Bad Teacher (2014): Season 1, Episode 2 - Daddy Issues - full transcript

Wait, Bron-Bron,

does Chris Keith know you exist yet?

- No, but I think he senses me.
- Have you tried

dropping a pencil in front
of him like I taught you?

I think that's too adult.

No, it's only adult if you
pick it up with no hands.

I can pick up a pencil with one foot

and then sharpen it with the other.

And you don't have a boyfriend?

I know, right?

I think you need to try Internet dating.



I don't know, my sister
had a really bad experience.

They matched her up with,
like, a 300-pound guy.

Why would an Internet dating site

hook her up with a guy that's
so much smaller than her?

Oh, there's my dad.

It's his weekend with me.

- See you next week.
- Bye.

- See ya.
- Bye.

Why does Bronwen's dad look so familiar?

He sells fancy houses to rich people.

His face is on billboards and
park benches all over town.

He's Million Dollar Mike?

I've sat on his face a bunch of times!

I left my violin inside.



But look, my dad got me this cute bag.

He had to cancel our
weekend away and felt bad.

Okay, girls, hit me with a quick one.

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- Thanks.
- Hey!

Hi.

Disregard the lollipop;
it's an oral fixation.

- Wow.
- You must be Bronwen's daddy.

I have heard so much about you.

But nothing about how
handsome you are in person.

And you must be Bronwen's
teacher, Ms., uh...

Ms. Davis. But it's, uh, Meredith to you.

Meredith, oh, she braids your hair.

I was under the impression
that you were a student.

And I'm under the impression

you're taking me to dinner Monday.

I'm gonna take you out to dinner Monday?

I mean, I hardly know you.

But I would love to.

Well, that would, uh,
that would be fun, uh...

just a heads up, since the divorce,

Bronwen has to approve
of any girl that I date.

You know, she's a daddy's girl,
so that's one rule I can't break

no matter how fast you get

to the center of that

- Tootsie Pop.
- Well, don't worry,

Bronwen and I are in Safety Patrol together

and we're very good friends.

I mean, if I had to have a sister,

and she had to be brunette,
I would want it to be Bronwen.

We're that close.

Great. Well, if she says yes,

you can get my number off of
any billboard or park bench.

- I'm just kidding.
- Oh.

I'm actually not kidding.

You can get my number off of
any billboard or park bench.

So I'll just keep my fingers crossed.

- Bye, Meredith.
- Bye, honey.

I'll see you on Monday.

And I'll see you on Monday night.

Here. Now you know how to use it.

Good news, everyone!

The superintendent has just informed me

that it is time for our
yearly locker inspections.

I'm not in love with this responsibility,

but since my divorce, I'm
trying to remain positive.

Trying to see that glass as half full.

Which it rarely is, as my roommate Ron

finishes my sodas when I doze off.

But it's all good!

It's all good.

A grown man with a roommate is so...

Awesome.

Right?

So I've been too nervous to pull
the trigger on Internet dating.

But then Meredith inspired me.

So, I just asked my friends at
the Ferret Club for a good site,

And I... I filled in my
name and sex and I was done.

That's all the information
you need to find a match?

Yeah.

Just somebody that doesn't
ask a lot of questions.

And they don't match so
much as they "locate" others.

You know, I guess that's
their tagline anyway.

So, my first date is tomorrow night, and...

he is described as: male.

Ooh... I would never date online.

Too dangerous.

One minute you're meeting
a guy for U Peel 'Em Shrimp,

and the next thing you know,

you're wrapped up in jumper cables,

trying to open a car trunk from the inside.

- Oh.
- I'm just saying,

you should write your
contact info on your arm.

That way the police will be able
to quickly identify your body.

Okay, Kim, if you don't mind,

I'd like to start with your
locker, as it's already open.

Sure, but be careful opening it, because

I keep a lot of stuff...

You're not even supposed to have a locker

in the teachers' lounge.

You are a student teacher.

Your locker should be with the students.

But I'm an adult.

It's okay.

I'm used to messes.

My roommate Ron is a hoarder.

So I will just consider this
locker more than half full.

Because it's all good.

It is all good.

Oh, Bron-Bron...

I have huge news.

What is the greatest thing that
you could ever possibly imagine

happening in your whole life
and then times it by three?

I am considering dating your dad.

I know.

Let it sink in.

Get over the shock.

And then hug me.

Not a hugger, I get it!

So when I spoke to your dad,

he said that I would need
your approval to date him.

Which is hilarious because obviously,

as bestie FFs, I already know your answer.

It's a formality thing.

Sorry, but it would be weird
having my teacher date my dad.

But I'm your friend
before I'm your teacher.

I mean, who taught you how
to do that pencil trick?

And I was even gonna come
to your stupid music thing

on Friday, pending my availability.

I think it will be better
if you don't date my dad.

That's so weird... for a
second I thought she said

don't date her dad.

Hey, Irene, what's up?

Uh, I need your help.

I finally filled out
my online dating profile

and I have my first date tomorrow at lunch.

His profile name is TvWatcher359.

Apparently I was not a match
with TvWatcher one through 358.

But you don't seem too excited.

Well, Ginny told me that
online dating is dangerous

and that I should go to
Sears and get my portrait done

so that I have a cute picture

for the "In Memoriam" section
of next year's yearbook.

You know what? She's just being dramatic.

Okay, but maybe you could just teach me

some self-defense moves just in case.

You know, I do a little
online dating, right?

And I... I haven't murdered
or tried to murder once.

You just gotta stay alert and
be aware of your surroundings.

- Okay, yeah.
- Yeah.

- I can do that.
- Yeah.

- Yeah. Thanks, Joel. All right.
- No problem.

You know what, buddy? On second thought,

maybe I'll tag along just to be extra safe.

Good idea.

Bronwen, here's the thing that
I love about our friendship:

We don't just have
problems, we fix problems.

And me being your teacher
is a fixable problem.

Watch.

Principal Carl...

Just a sec, I'm trying
to loosen up this towel,

which is petrified,

so it'll fit in the garbage.

All part of the J-O-B.

Now, what can I do you for?

I was thinking that Bronwen over here

might be limited in sixth grade,
and it might be a good idea

to promote her to seventh.

She gets straight As.

She knows more than everyone in the class.

Even more than me sometimes.

I mean, I know more than
her... like, she's stupid

compared to me but smart for her class.

So, what do you say?

Well... uh...

it doesn't happen that often,

but I guess I could look into it.

That would be so great.

- All right.
- Okay.

Bron-Bron, isn't that amazing?

You get to go to seventh
grade, I get to date your dad.

It's win-win.

I am dizzy in the head on that one.

Where should we get our
Christmas card picture taken?

I'm feeling something tropical.

I want to stay in my grade with my friends.

- I'll promote your friends.
- You're not understanding.

I am understanding.

I am bending over
backwards to date your dad

and not in the fun way.

I'll explain it later.

Can you think for one second
how fun it would be for us

if I dated your dad?

We could be even better besties...

What I want is for you not to date my dad!

But why not? You know me.

I don't want you to date
him because I know you.

I know you date guys for their money

and I know that's why you're into my dad.

Come on... we're friends.

Then, if we're really
friends, you'll respect

my decision even if you don't like it.

I'm so proud of Irene
for going on this date.

I just can't believe a good friend

would deny me dating her dad.

Does Bronwen really think if I dated him

that I wouldn't be thinking about her, too?

That I'm that self-centered?

Does it seem weird that Irene's
date hasn't shown up yet?

I mean, he's like 30 minutes late.

I'm not self-centered.

If anything, I'm other-people-centered.

Hey.

Hey. Irene, I... I hate

to say this, but TvWatcher359
may not be coming.

Oh, but I planned all these
great conversation topics

of things we have in common.

Internet access, the
ability to speak English.

Ah... okay.

But, um, hey.

I... I would love to eat with you.

You know, just the two of us

having a nice lunch outside.

All right.

Now I'm going to teach you about Indians.

When the Americans
first came to the States,

the Indians were living there.

And the two groups quickly
became best friends.

But the Indians wanted to keep
all of the land to themselves.

And, yes, maybe the land was rich...

in nutrients,

but that didn't have to be the only reason

the Americans wanted the land.

And the Indians really
should have known that...

being besties.

But instead they just
flat-out betrayed the gentle,

kind and super hot Americans.

Now, has, um, anyone learned

from the Indians' mistakes?

But the Indians were right.

The Americans were wrong.

Well, I think the history books

would disagree with you on that.

Have you even read the history books?

I am the history books!

And you've left me no choice.

When I was cleaning yesterday,

I found this very personal note

from you, Bronwen.

You, uh, want me to read it?

- I'd love it.
- You sure?

- Dead sure.
- Okay.

It is to Chris Keith.

And it says:

"Hi Chris, it's Bronwen.

I have a crush on you.

Wanna go out on a date?

Gotta go, I'm having my period."

Hmm, that's funny.

I don't remember writing
the note on the back

of a receipt for Spanx.

Mm, but it ended up being
pretty fun, actually.

I talked about fantasy novels

and Joel talked about fantasy football.

Ironically, they both have
a character named Ladarius.

It was cool.

It was like, as soon as I said
my date wasn't gonna show up,

he asked me to have lunch with him.

- Maybe he's into you.
- Kim!

Well, how did you leave
things at the end of lunch?

Well, he put the leftover
food in his baseball cap

and then he said, "Let's hang out again."

He is definitely into you.

Friends never want to hang out again.

Right?

Well, Joel's just lucky that
my real date didn't show up.

Was he lucky? Or did he ask you out

pretending to be somebody else?

Maybe he You've Got Mailed you.

He You've Got Mailed me?

He You've Got Mailed you.

I got You've Got Mailed?

You got You've Got Mailed!

You've got to be kidding me.

Whose locker is this?

I'm getting Chinese food
juice all over my pants.

Uh, I have a Tide Stick in my moped.

I'm fine, Kim.

Do I need just a little
bit of encouragement?

Abso-tootly. This job is thankless.

But I own it.

Unlike my apartment, which is Ron's.

For the love of God, I
have a master's degree!

Hi.

Hey. Thank you so much.

Good luck with the test on Friday.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Oh, hold up, little guy.

Here you go.

It's a buyer's market.

The APR has never been lower.

A carpenter has his hammer. I
have magnets with my face on them.

So...

So I... I got your message

and I'm thrilled that you called.

But I'm hoping everything's okay.

Well, that depends.

It's about my number one student, Bronwen.

Can I get you anything?

A glass of wine? Scotch?

You keep alcohol here in the classroom?

Of course not.

Mike, I asked you here today because

I'm very concerned about Bronwen.

As you know, I... I care very much for her,

and I'm worried

that she has some... pretty
serious issues with you...

finding love.

I am so sorry.

I really want to enjoy this, but...

your heel is digging into my thigh.

- Oh, sorry.
- Might have broken some skin.

Look, I understand where she's coming from.

If I were her, I would want
to keep you all to myself, too.

I would just want to...

pull you in, hold you tight,

trim your sideburns and...

never let you go.

But it's not healthy.

She's the kid.

You're the dad.

- Maybe you're right.
- Mm-hmm.

You know, I should... trim my sideburns.

But then I'd have to change

the... the benches and the magnets,

and that would be a big hassle. Sure.

Oh, hey, sweetheart!

Hi.

What are you doing here, Meredith?

Oh, I'm just hanging with your dad.

Honey, Meredith really
put things in perspective.

I think we both need to be
more open with how Daddy dates.

Mmm, that's such a good point.

- Well, you made it.
- Oh, I did.

This is gonna be so good for us.

Because then I can teach
you after school, too.

Like I never finished that
lesson about the Indians.

When the Indians told the
Americans they couldn't

have any of their land,
the Americans took the land

anyway.

So get in here, you!

Come on! Hurry! We want
to take you for ice cream.

Come on...

See? Kind of pays off not having boobs.

One big, happy family.

- Oh, hey.
- Hey.

I figured out what you did.

You are TvWatcher359.

No...

Shh. It's okay.

You You've Got Mailed
me, and I think it's cute.

- I... I wish I could take credit...
- That makes me feel so much better.

You know, I haven't been in a
relationship since I got dumped

at an Earth, Wind & Fire reunion concert.

Actually, it was just Fire 'cause

Earth and Wind got in a fender
bender on the way to the fair.

But I am so happy that it was you

and that I didn't get stood up again.

Guilty.

Yeah, that was me.

Yeah, all the way. 100%.

Looking for sex online, you know?

I get it. I know I'm your type:

smart, skinny, the slightest
hint of spinal curvature.

Men love curves.

And don't get me wrong. I mean,

we would be fierce lovers.

But...

we've been friends a long time, Joel,

and I think it would
be a mistake to ruin it.

Plus, I have a very strict

don't-poop-where-you-eat
policy.

I learned that from my ferrets.

This is tough, but...

I understand.

Okay.

Hey.

How'd you come up with the
name TvWatcher359 anyway?

Great question. Um, I...

'Cause I have a TV and
I watch it, you know?

And then, um, my... I was born on March...

59th.

I know it's weird that your
teacher is dating your dad.

But you're more mature
than a lot of adults I know.

So... we're gonna get through this,

and we're gonna be even
better friends in the end.

Also, you're so pretty and skinny.

- Are we okay?
- Yeah.

When all is said and done,

if anybody's gonna date my
dad, I guess I'm glad it's you.

Thank you.

Me, too.

Learn from me, Lily.

It is going so well. We're going away

for the weekend, staying at a
five-star resort on the water.

Wait, you guys are going away this weekend?

Yeah. Friday after school. You
want me to nick you some soap?

This is why Bronwen didn't
want you to date her dad.

He's gonna miss our violin recital,

like he misses everything.

That's why Bronwen has so much nice stuff.

He buys her things instead of showing up.

But in a bad way?

Yes. She wants him there.

That's why she doesn't approve
of anybody dating her dad.

She barely sees him as it is.

- But in a ba...
- Yes!

- In a bad way!
- Okay.

"Dear Principal Carl,

you are an amazing leader."

"I appreciate your dedication,

and I hope I can be just like you

when I get out of school."

Oh, boy.

That's a good punch there.

Carl Maurice Gaines,

you are appreciated.

Hey. Hey.

I got an e-mail from TvWatcher359.

Oh. Okay. You... so, you got my e-mail.

Um... what did I...

Don't worry. It was from the real one.

Yeah. Apparently,

he got stuck on a business trip.

But thank you for being so nice.

No problem.

Well, we... we rescheduled the date.

- Cool.
- Yeah.

I just got to wire him some money

so that he can get back to America.

Wait, stop. D... don't do that!

Guess my dad's not coming.

Hey, hey. I, uh, brought you

a vintage bottle of champagne
and some pencils so you can

show me that trick you were talking about.

Yes.

How about after the recital?

Well, we got to head to the hotel.

Traffic's gonna be bad.
I don't want to miss

the, uh, couples massage that I booked

before our ten-course tasting menu.

It's PETA-friendly but barely.

Oh. That sounds...

so good, but, you know, I wouldn't mind

skipping the massage for Bronwen's recital.

So why don't we just go to the recital.

Then we'll go to the hotel.

I'll be okay with only...

eight courses for dinner.

Oh, I left her a pair of
diamond earrings on her chair,

so she's cool. She's not gonna care.

Of course she's gonna care.
Wait, how many carats were

the earrings? Uh, don't tell
me. I don't want to know.

- She wants you there.
- Relax, there's gonna be plenty of recitals.

Yeah, but she's been practicing like crazy

for this recital. She thought
you were gonna be there.

And... I don't want to be
the reason that you're not.

- You should be there.
- Wow, I thought we had a connection,

but you're starting to sound an
awful lot like my, uh, ex-wife.

Is that... ? That's funny.
Well, maybe she was right.

You know, I teach here,

so I see a lot of duds,

and Bronwen is not one of them.

Which is why...

I am not gonna go away with you

this weekend.

And, um...

and I'm not gonna date you either.

And, frankly, you
shouldn't be dating anybody

until you figure out how to make Bronwen

your number one top priority

because there's nothing more important.

Roman, come get this stuff off of this...

American sports car.

Roman, don't scratch it.

Hi.

Just wanted to let you
know I dumped your dad.

What?

He's not rich enough for me.

He has way too much baggage,
that baggage being you.

Thanks.

You guys, stop talking to me.

You have a concert.

Go get 'em, girls.

That's my girl playing
the violin right there.

It's a buyer's market right now.

Hey. What are you doing here?

Looking for some rich dads to shake down?

No, I'm just here supporting
the students I love

and their artistic endeavors.

They suck. I'm going out for a smoke.

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