Bad Teacher (2014): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Left penniless by her wealthy ex-husband, Meredith Davis (Ari Graynor) talks her way into a teaching job at a middle school where she organizes a Career Day targeting rich divorced dads.


Thank you for coming in, Meredith.

I'm so, so sorry about the divorce.

Yes, well, Ray cheated on me. As you know.

Anyway, let's just cut
to the chase, Howard.

What's my divorce settlement?

You get nothing.

- Wait, what?
- You signed a...

prenuptial agreement.

I get nothing?

- I advised you to get your own lawyer.
- No car?

No house?

No second house?

- But I loved Ray.
- Or his money.

- How dare you?
- You'll be fine.

*** Franck and I are so sorry
to hear about the d-i-v-o-r-c-e.

Your ex-husband's an idiot.

You stay in the guesthouse for
as long as you want. We got cable,

we got wi-fi, and a
semi-private bathroom.


I've got nothing, Brie.

No money, no car, no plans for the future.

Then could you pick Lily
from school tomorrow?

Super! That's a plan.

Your stepmom sent me to get you.

That's what child molesters say.

Don't flatter yourself.

I'm Brie's friend, Meredith.

And it's a long walk, so you better
have something interesting to share.

My social studies teacher got fired today.

She was dating Coach Kotsky
but he broke up with her.

So to get back at him, she hung
pictures of his private *** over school.

There is one, it's so gross! Blah.


Nice Coach "Hotsky".


what's up with all the cute dads?

Oh, on Fridays, all the divorced dads
pick their kids up for the weekend.

So... single dads,

in luxury vehicles?

I need one of them to hit
me, and then hit on me.

Maybe you should just get a job.

Oh my God.

Lily, that's it!

I should get a job teaching here.

Wait, do you even know how to teach?

No, but I'm sure I can friend
some Asian teacher to cheat off of.

Thank you very much Mei Lin Chung.

- You're divorced? Me too.
- Oh no.

Pretty recently.

I did not see that coming, at all.

- And it is hard.
- So hard.

- So much crying.
- Oh so much.

- So much, right?
- So much, right?

I don't have anyone to talk to.

So I just try to throw myself into my work,

which is much better than pouting
around my studio apartment.

Using my telescope to
watch my neighbor sleep.


you can talk to me.

I'm gonna put this as an emergency hire.

You are more than qualified
and can I tell you something?

You get it. I want you on my team.

Not riding the bench.

Carrying the ball.


I can't wait to hear your Chinese.

It's pretty rusty.

Welcome to the Nixon *** family.

Thank you.

- Morning Meredith.
- Good morning Principal Carl.

- Oh I'm so glad you are here.
- Aww.

This weekend was so hard for me.

I ate 47 English muffins pizzas.

Never filled me up. Everyone...

here is our new social
studies teacher, Meredith...

- Davis.
- ... Davis.

Thank you.

There's a fight, by the lockers.

Ginny, get this thing started.

No cops, no cops!

Ok people.

We are about to start our
staff meeting, so settle.

Ok. We need monitors for Safety Patrol.

Any heroes?

Irene! Do I see your one
manicured hand in the air?

- Oh, actually I do have to exercise after school...
- Great!

- Oh no no, it's required by my doctor.
- Perfect.

We will see you later.

All right, who's gonna help out Irene?

There is a small stipend.

- Oh, I'll do it.
- Super!

Hey, hey.

What, you're not gonna say hi?

Joel, Kotsky. Well now, Coach Kotsky.

Now, you may have seen my penis on a flyer.

And... you know, we went
to high school together.

- I don't really remember you.
- I was in that grunge band, Cement Heart.

- You, uh... slept with our drummer.
- Well, it was high school.

- I slept with a lot of drummers.
- Ah, that explains it.

- You know, I played the bass.
- Hello!

Ginny Taylor-Clapp,
two-term faculty president.

And, this is Kim, my student teacher.

- Nice to meet you.
- Remember,

your ears are your best
learning tools, Kim, ok?

This is our teacher's handbook.

Great *** in there, on start times,

- dress code, etc...
- Hum...

you know, you can save the
drill. I think I got it.

It's like pretty standard stuff, right?

No running, no glass, no
horseplay, no chicken fights.

Those are pool rules.

Meredith, wait up.

- So, I heard you married some rich guy.
- Yeah, I did.

- Wait, he sells boats or something?
- Yachts.

- Well, those are just big boats, right?
- Yeah. To you.

I'd ask what you've been
up to since high school

but I see you're a gym teacher, so that
sort of tell me everything I need to know.

What? That I'm awesome?

- Yeah.
- Hey.

I'm Irene. We didn't meet.

Thank you so much for teaming up with me.

Uh, I have bills to pay.

You know what, Safety
Patrol is gonna be so fun.

We get badges, and slickers...

I'm not wearing a badge or a slicker.

Yeah, me either, they're so dumb yeah.

Irene, tuck it in.

Hey, do you think maybe you wanna
have lunch with us. Our treat.

Oh, God, I'm *** lunch, but you guys
can totally give me the cash equivalent.

Yeah, just... just tell us where you
usually eat and we'll figure it out.

- Great.
- Yeah, yeah... we're not doing that.

- Where's my classroom?
- It's just right at the end of these lockers.

Hey, you know, teachers around here

usually form packs together,

so I thought maybe we could form, like,

a best friends pack...

Wow, she is pretty great.

- She just left in the middle of your conversation.
- I know.

We made it to the middle of a conversation.

- Yeah, up top. All right.
- * Bitches ain't ... *

♪ But hos and tricks ♪

♪ Bitches ain't ... ♪

- * But hos and tricks *
- Hi.

What's up, dude?

♪ Now it's time to bail ♪

♪ Bitches ain't... ♪

Okay, good morning, class.

I'm your new social
studies teacher, Ms. Davis.

Class dues are $25,

and checks can be written out to cash.

Okay, so...

to get to know you guys better,

I'm gonna hand out these
student information cards

for you guys to fill out.

It's like, name, address,

whether your parents are divorced...

the standard stuff.

- Uh, Ms. Davis?
- Yeah?

I don't know how many
cars fit in my garage.

Ten, maybe?

Wait. Everybody shut up!

You have a house with a ten-car garage?

- It's an apartment...
- Okay, don't worry about it.

Just a few moves I learned
at Safety Patrol Camp.

Hey, Safety Patrollers.

This is your other advisor, Ms. Davis.

- Hi.
- Hi. Safety first.

Lily, you're in Safety Patrol?

In it? I'm captain of it.

You're really pretty, Ms. Davis.

Yeah, I know, and I'm also

- really photogenic.
- Okay, patrollers,

let's go, we're piling up.

Okay, well, I'll just be over there...



Me, too.



Check out the nerds.

Oh, look, it's the Hugly Patrol.

Apparently you can only join

if you're hella ugly.

Nice vest, lesbian.


Because there's nothing wrong

with being gay or bisexual or...

Okay. Okay.

Move it along, Water Bra,

and take your little
friend Panty Lines with you.


You'll pay for this, Safety Patrol.

Thanks. You're really pretty.

Yeah, I know. Girls, what's happening?

You gotta fight fire with fire.

Okay, look, it gets better.

Just not right away,

and honestly not for everybody.

It'll probably only get
better for one of you.


sitting around and reading magazines

is not getting me any closer

to sitting around and reading magazines

for the rest of my life.

I need a better plan.

Okay, class.

Friday is Career Day.

You guys are gonna invite guest speakers,

and we're gonna start with men.

If your parents are divorced,

maybe Dad doesn't spend
enough time with you.

Why don't we get him involved, okay?

Any adult male is eligible,

except for ones who served time,

unless it was for a white-collar crime.

Okay, shout out who you've got!

Any doctors? No dentists.

So a kid in my P.E. class

asked me to help him fill out
his student information card.

He was having trouble because

he didn't know if his
house had a bidet in it.

Oh, well, if you have to ask...

Wow, the three of us have
really great chemistry.

- Right?
- * Bitches ain't nothing but hos and tricks *

♪ Bitches ain't nothing
but hos and tricks ♪

- * Bitches ain't nothing but hos... *
- Hey! Hey!

That song is not okayor school.

We learned it in Ms. Davis' class.


Uh, be careful.

- Do what feels natural.
- Kids...

... that song isn't right.


Because bitches

can be anything they want.

Bitches can be doctors,

bitches can be astronauts,

bitches can even be

the President of the United States,

- am I right?
- Yeah.

Which you guys are gonna
learn about at Career Day.

- Wow.
- Knowledge.

Pass it on.

Now scat.


one, we try not to use

"bitches" to describe

our female students.

Two, Career Day is my thing.

I do it every year.

It's the official one.

Well, why can't there be two Career Days?

Don't you have ferrets to take care of,

or do they also think you talk too much?

I'm not canceling my Career Day.


I would reconsider reconsidering.

I already printed the flyers.

You already printed the flyers?

I already printed the flyers.

I actually printed the flyers.

Uh-oh. Watch out.

She's gunning for you.


This is my personal time! Janet!

It's on my schedule.

Meredith cannot have a Career Day.

It's a free country.

Meredith can do whatever she pleases.

Except sleep in an ex's car,

which, apparently, is vehicular squatting.

I don't trust her! She takes the bus!

Just drop it, Ginny.

How about closed hearts?

Okay, kids, does anyone want

to ask Dr. Grant a question?

How would you best
describe your tax bracket?

Too high.

Dr. Grant, do you love your wife?

Um, I'm divorced...

- Oh, no.
- ... actually.

And it's a long story. At first we were...

Interesting questions.

People do say that they
say the darnedest things.

Why did you drag me down here?!

Attention! Ms. Davis is a fraud.

She did not work at
Windsor Park "K" through 12

as her résumé says she
did for the last six years.

I just got off the phone with them.

They've never even heard of her.

Is your brother still a cop?

And if so, can he get
me a restraining order?

Oh, I guess you remember
me better than you thought.

And yeah.

It's true.

Meredith Davis didn't work
at Windsor Park Elementary.

When I was younger,

I had a stalker.

My beauty, smarts, and bikini-ready body

made me an easy target.

I was seeing a guy, and
when I tried to end it,

he didn't get it.

Once he went to bed with me,

he couldn't imagine a life without me.

So I had to move and change my name.

I can show you the
restraining order if you want.

Um, but after...

a failed marriage...

I decided to come back home.

And come back to Meredith Davis.

- That is poppycock!
- Language.

I'm so sorry I wasn't honest with you,

but it was a very dark time in my life.

I once had a stalker...

accusation made against me.


Here's a shoulder. Use it.

Let's go, Ginny. Enough damage

has been done in front of the parents.

You're really strong and brave.

And honest.

And free to take this Career Day to night.


Maybe we should maybe
hit the Dave & Buster's

for a little hair-letting-down session.

Irene, I've got one for you.

You can't marry your ferrets.

- She has ferrets.
- You have ferrets?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Wow, what a successful Career Day.

I know, I got, like, ten numbers.

And you're going on a date

with that weird guy. Still a win.

I... I knew we'd become friends.

Hey, you.

Done signing autographs, Doctor?

For now. So, what are
you up to this weekend?

Whatever you're up to.

Uh, well, I'm leaving straight from here

to head to my family beach house.

Well, it's more like a beach resort.

They're all real estate developers.

I'm kind of the black sheep.

Oh, no.

- Families, right?
- Yeah.

Why don't you take me and my
bikini-ready body with you?

Isn't the parent-teacher
thing against the rules?

No, I read the handbook.
We can go right now.

Irene can cover for me.

Wait, wait. What about my classes?

Okay, I'll see you out front.

Hey, ow, ow, ow, stop.

Why don't you eat your
lunch in the crosswalk,

Safety Patrol?

Yeah, the cafeteria is a nerd-free zone.

There was no signage!


Just tell them I'm in the bathroom.

For the whole day?

Yeah. Just say you don't want to know,

make an "ick" face, and no
one will ask any questions.

There's my little hottie...

and Dr. Grant.

All right, I'll see you.

I'd say your clothes are ruined,

but they couldn't get any worse!

Meredith, hey.

Nerd overload.

These girls just did this to me last week.

Hey, get out of here,

Water Bra and, uh, Panty Lines.

Guys, what's happening?

The popular girls kicked
us out of the cafeteria.

They said we were sitting at their table.

You know what? It's fine.

Just go back in there.

That's easy for you to say. You're you.

We're... us.

Okay, look...

yes, I was blessed with a perfect rack

and a great face, but that doesn't mean

that I don't know how you guys are feeling.

Okay, I was married to this rich guy,

who contrary to popular belief,

I was actually in love with.

And he cheated on me with a younger,

allegedly hotter girl.

I was basically kicked out of my life.

I don't belong here.

I mean, I'm way too hot to be here.

But sometimes, if you're feeling

insecure on the inside,

you need to show confidence on the outside.

You gotta fake it till you make it.


you walk in there like you own the place.

That's what I would do.

Girls up, tush out!


Meredith, I gotta go. I'm gonna be late.

Okay, I have a date,

but be sure to let me know how that goes.

Last chance.

Just go.

Okay, girls, we're going in.

Oh, ladies, I think you passed your table.

Um, this is our table.

We could just sit over there.

No, this is your table.

Lily, why don't you tell them why?

You're our captain.

I might have a perfect
rack and a great face...

In your own words, in your own words.

Oh, okay. Uh, we were here first,

and there are no assigned seats.

Yeah, signage.

Oh, you guys, I don't think

they know how to read.

And they're not hot enough to pull it off.

Whatever. We're done anyway.

No, you weren't.


I cannot believe we just did that!

- Did we fake it till we made it?
- Yes, you did!

Meredith, it was really nice
of you to miss your date.

Nice? No. I wasn't gonna
go out with that guy.

Did you see his Porsche?
It was, like, two years old.

Hey, maybe I was wrong about you.

It's called "deodorant,"
dude. Look into it.

Or maybe not.

But either way, we
should hang out sometime.

I can get you that
restraining order, whatever.

You're a gym teacher.

I'm never gonna sleep with you.

We all do things

we never thought we'd do, Ms. Davis.


This never happened.

Well, actually, this never happened twice.