Bad Move (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Episode #2.5 - full transcript

# If the world
In which you're living

# Gets a bit too much to bear

# And you need someone to lean on

# When you look there's no-one there

# You're gonna find me

# Out in the country

# Yeah, you're gonna find me

# Way out in the country. #



What's the matter?

Oh, it's this stupid company
in Middlesbrough.

They're still not happy
with their website.

"Can it be exciting and dynamic?"

"No, cos you sell stairlifts.

"If you want exciting and dynamic,
stick a rocket on them."

Have you ever thought about
working for social services?

I mean, their customers
aren't interested in websites.

They don't do online shopping.

They like the personal touch
where they can go into a showroom

and bang on about
their grandchildren.

I think you should take a break.
You've been at it all day.

You need to switch off for a bit.

Watch some cats playing piano
on YouTube or something.

CAT PLAYS: 'Nocturne op.9 No.2'
by Frederic Chopin




BOTH: Coo-eee!

I bet he told you he was working.

He was watching pussycats,
wasn't he?

Oh, Steve...

And the cat was playing the piano.
Who's cat is it?

How the hell should I know?!

Sorry, er...

It was a cat on YouTube.

Why don't you two
go and play outside?

Anyway, the reason we came round,
you know the fundraising week?

To buy a defibrillator
for the village hall.

Everyone's doing their bit.

So we thought,
"Why not challenge Nicky and Steve

"to a charity dine-off?"

You mean like Come Dine With Me?
Sort of.

I've made a few improvements.
It'll be great fun.

We each host a dinner party.

At the end of the meal, the guests
decide how much it was worth

and donate that amount
to the fundraiser.

What, so the winner is the one
whose dinner raises the most money?

Well, it's not really about winning.
I mean, the village is the winner.

But there will be a winner, yeah.

I know, Dad, but it's for everyone.

That's the whole point
of an emergency defibrillator.

You can't put a sign on it saying,
"Not for use on Ralph Norris."

All right, yeah.

Bye, then.

How's it going?
Yeah. All done.


I was right.
You just needed a break.

Chaperone Stairlifts finally settled

for an exciting and dynamic
background tone of beige.

After all that?
Yeah, still.

At least it's finished.

In that case,
you can help me dad tomorrow.

Help your dad, doing what?

He's just laying a path
in his garden

and needs a hand lifting
a few concrete slabs.Oh, great!

Oh, it'll only take half an hour.
He's worried about his back.

Yeah, but not mine, obviously. It'll
do you good, a bit of exercise.

Work up an appetite
for these dinner parties.

Oh, yeah, I can't wait.

An intimate evening with those two
quinoa-eating toss pots.

It's five past.
I thought we said ten o'clock.

Are you paying him by the hour,

Right, come on, Mr Universe,
let's get those slabs lifted.

You'll be wanting these.

Great, thanks.

Right, I'm going to nip to the shop.
I'll be back in a bit.

Don't work him too hard.

I don't think he has that setting.


MAN: Yeah, we'll have two cases
of them.

Oh, hang on, I'll check.


Do we need any more bleach?

You what?

Do we need to order more bleach?

I'll have a look.

Have we got any bleach?


It should be on t'bottom shelf.

Next to t'lemonade.

I said,
"They're not the Elgin Marbles.

"I'll give you 30 quid for the lot."
No, that is a good price, Ken.

It might be quicker
if you did two at a time.

Yeah, they are pretty heavy,

So, Nicky tells me you've arranged
a charity dinner party.

Well, we thought we might as well
show willing.

It is for the village, after all.

Sounds like a daft idea to me.

So, are you doing anything, Ken, you
know, for the fundraising week? Me?

I'm cycling round France.
Are you?

Then I'm doing a triathlon.

After that, a parachute jump.

No, we had a whip-round
at the darts.

Stan passed his hat around,
raised 24 quid.

Now all we've got to do
is get the Brylcreem off it.

Careful, they're not cheap, those.

You've got four packets.

Four custard powder!

What about gravy granules?

What about...?
You've got three.

Can I just pay for these?
Three gravy granules!


Will you sponsor us?
It's for a defibrillator.

We're doing a sponsored drive.
Oh, where are you going?

Me sister's in Bradford.

Don't you go there
most weekends anyway?


Got to do our bit, in't we?

Oh, absolutely.

Me and Steve,
we're doing a charity dine-off.

You know, like Come Dine With Me.

What are you doing
for entertainment?

Oh, we hadn't really
thought about it.

You need entertainment
or they'll mark you down.

Slag you off in t'taxi
on t'way home.

Magic Malcolm?
He's Shannon's cousin.

Oh, great, someone who's learnt
card tricks in prison.

I couldn't say no. It was either him

or Shannon was offering
to come and do karaoke.

How much is he charging?
25 quid.

I know.

But think of it as 25 quid

to not watch Shannon
screeching Simply The Best.

Let's hope he's good. Maybe he can
make Matt and Meena disappear. Hm.

Is that Grizzo?

It looks like he's taken up
horse riding.

Bit sedate for him,
I'd have thought.


Oh, my mistake.

Nicky, Steve, are you all right?

Where did you get that?
What, this?

Versace, I think.
I meant the camel.

Oh! Right, yeah.

What it was, I've started
this new dairy-free thing

cos it helps you concentrate.

The thing is,
I've got to have milk in my tea.

So a mate says,
"Why not try camel milk?"

I thought,
"I might as well give it a go."

It turns out there's a geezer
in Cornwall selling them.

So I borrowed a horse transporter,
drove through the night,

come back the next day
with this beauty.

Can't you just buy camel milk?


That's a good point, actually.

Yeah, I might look into that.

Anyway, see you.

Hup! Hup! Hup!

We just have to remember it's
for a good cause.Is it, though?

A defibrillator? A nice big heart
attack is my way out of this place.

Oh, lovely.Maybe I could get
a "do not resuscitate" badge.

You should say a few words at
the unveiling. It'd be quite moving.

Anyway, there you go.
One vegetarian shepherd's pie.

It looks all right.

Bit of a stupid name,
though, isn't it?

I mean,
why even mention the shepherd?

The important thing is
we remembered the vegetarians.

I wouldn't mind,
but when we go round to their place,

by rights, they should have to cook
meat. That's my dietary requirement.

I like meat. So, please, cook some.
You sound like my dad.

He actually once said that vegans
shouldn't be allowed to drive

cos they might faint at the wheel.


How are the starters coming on?
The home-made mushroom tartlets?

The packet was a bit tricky to open,
but I'm pleased with them.

Thank God for the superstore,
even if it is a two-hour drive.

I mean, why do we have to go
to all this trouble?

Why not just give the money
to the fundraising week?

Because that would be missing the
whole point of a charity dine-off.

Making Matt look better than us.

Mm, that smells yummy.

So, who's looking after...?

Silas and Pips.
Yeah, them.

My sister's doing the honours.
She's great with kids.

Taught them how to make paper
last time.How do you make paper?

It's really easy.
You just get some scrap paper.

You tear it into pieces.
Soak it in some water.

Pulp it with a pestle and mortar.
Add starch.

Pour it into a frame.
Press it. Dry it.

There's your paper.

But didn't you start off with paper?

Anyway, the kids loved it.

This is lovely.

Is it all right?

Yeah, it's...fine.

It could have been
a tad colder, but...

Well, I'll put it back
in the fridge. Probably a good idea.


Mm, that'll be the entertainment.

Mm, you were right.

Matt said you wouldn't remember
to provide entertainment.

I underestimated you.

Well, I think you'll find there's
a bit of magic in the air tonight.

Bronson, what are you doing here?
Me mum sent me.

Where's Magic Malcolm?
He can't make it.

Sick or summat.
So, I'm here instead.

That's very nice of you.
But you can't do magic.

Yeah, I can. I'll show you.

Go on, then.
Well, let us in, then.

Erm, that one.

This one?

Oh, unlucky.

Look, it's here.
That is amazing!

Well done!

Right, let's make it
more interesting. Your turn.

Now, watch carefully...

Do you know where it is?

Right, put a pound down. If you're
right, I'll double your money.

That one.


Fair play.

There you go.

Well done, Matt.

Steve, your turn.

Right, here's the ball.

Under it goes.

Now, watch carefully...

Keep your eyes on the prize.

Now, where is it?
It's there.

Are you sure?

You're not going
to change your mind?No.

It's under that one.


No, I want another go.


It's all right,
I know how he's doing it.


Come on, Steve, make your mind up.

I'm trying to concentrate.

It's that one.


I really think it's this one.

I saw him put the ball under it and
move it across.Well, we all saw it.

It's a trick. If it was that easy,
you'd get it right every time.

I did.

So, which one is it, then?
It's that one.

You're not going
to change your mind?No.

Oh, that is bad luck.

She did say...

All right, I'll tell you what...

Steve, that's enough.
Thanks, Bronson.

Well done.
You were brilliant.


You've got my fee, then?
Well, no, you've got it.

It's 25 quid. Me mum said.


So, before we reveal
how much your meal was worth...

..I do have some feedback.

We've had a lovely evening.
Thank you.

Oh, glad you did.

However, we do have
one or two little notes.

Remember, it's meant as constructive
criticism. It's all part of the fun.

So, leaving aside Prosecco Gate.

Er, the starter...

Those mushroom tartlets
were delicious.



Yeah. I saw Nicky make them.

And I saw the packaging
in the bin.Sorry.

Well, I didn't mean home-made.

I meant home-heated-up.


Er, the main course...

Oh, that was definitely home-made.
I don't doubt it.

One word...


The chocolate mousse was very nice.

Once I found it
underneath all that cream.

You managed to eat it all,
though, didn't you?

Shall we just move on
to the marking?

There was one thing
you did excel at.

We loved your entertainment.

I really enjoyed that.

Did you?

So, all in all,

we say your dinner was worth...


That's still good.

Well, let's hope that Meena and I
can raise a bit more than that

when it's our turn, eh?

Morning, Ken.
Right, let's get this done, then.

It's just picking up
a few bags of gravel.

So, is this for the path, then?

No, I'm going to sprinkle it
on me cornflakes.

So, how did that dinner party go
the other night?

Yeah, it went pretty well.
Well, how much money did you raise?

We won't know until we've been
to Matt and Meena's

for the return match.
We're going tonight, actually.

Hello, who's this?
Oh, that's Grizzo on his camel.

On his what?

He's got a camel. You watch.
Are you feeling all right?

25 quid says he's on a camel.
You're on.


Dear, oh, dear...


Seriously, those bags of gravel
are heavier than they look.

I think I might...
Steve, we're not cancelling.

Oh, God, do we have to go? It's
going to be the worst evening ever.

Oh, two words - Brian and Keith.

Ah, since we left Leeds.

Three hours they spent banging on
about their new washing machine.

And you remember that fun game
they made us play after dinner?

Guess Our Favourite 20
Department Stores. Exactly!

And that wasn't even for charity.

If we can survive that,
we can survive Matt and Meena.

Just go with the flow and, before
you know it, it'll all be over.

You make it sound like
a trip to Dignitas.

It won't be that much fun.

There we go, two nice glasses
of CHILLED Prosecco.

Would you like one of these?

Viola flowers.

From our garden.
They're edible.

Oh, we'll be the judge of that.

That's what we're here for,
after all.They are very moreish.


Have you told them?

Oh, yes, we've got some very special
entertainment lined up,

haven't we, Pips?
We're going to do a puppet show.

And the two pigs were very sad

because Snatchy
had taken their toys.

Oh, lovely!
Yeah, that's great.

And the next day,
Snatchy went to see someone else.

Hello, Snatchy,
I'm reading my book.

Er, no, it's the cat next.

You've done the pig.
Which one shall we do?

We chose the last one.
All right, just do the dog.

What are you doing, Snatchy?
I'm reading my book.

But you haven't got a book.
Yes, I have.

Because I'm Snatchy the crocodile,
and I take what I want.

They wrote it all by themselves.
Did they?

And the next day,
Snatchy went to see Molly the cat.

..he saw that he had made
all his friends sad.

You can say that again.

And so Snatchy said sorry.


The end.

Half an hour of pure gold.



Oh, no, I think, actually,
someone's coming.

We've got a little surprise for you.

Come through to the kitchen.

Give me your wallet.

In case it's Bronson.

Meena and I
were talking about it afterwards

and one of the things we felt
was lacking at your dinner...

..was the right mix of guests.
Yeah.With you on that.

So, we put our thinking caps on



How do you...?

We met them
at your house-warming party.

We thought it'd be lovely
for you two to spend the evening

catching up with old friends.
Sorry we're late.

There was a tailback
just outside Helmsley.

I said, "Use the satnav."
But Brian's old school.

I prefer maps.To be fair,
he found a very good route.




Cauliflower steak...

It's one of Meena's specialities.
It's delicious.

I didn't think you could top
the risotto, but you have.

Cauliflower steak...

You just slice up a cauliflower
and bake in the oven.

It's all in the seasoning.When
vegetables can be this delicious,

I honestly don't understand
why anyone would eat meat.

Do you eat meat, Steve?
When I can.

Can we do our puppet show again?

Oh, great idea.

How about after dinner?
BOTH: Yay!

So, how's the gardening work going,Nicky?
Slowly but surely.

We're still relying
on Steve's web design business.

Oh, dear, better stop watching cats
playing piano on the Internet, then.

So, Keith and I were wondering,
how did you two meet?

That is a long story.

Now, in 1995,
I was living in Chepstow.

Although he was working
in Gloucester.

Funnily enough, Meena was...

Oh, close!

And they're no longer in business.

Yes, but it's not
British Home stores.



That's not really
a department store.Army & Navy.

Well done!

You've got all 20.

Great! Anyway...
Oh, yes, now for the fun part.

Meena, got the clipboard?

There you go.


Be gentle with us.
No, no, be honest.

Constructive criticism,
that's what we're after.

Can we not just decide on the amount
and then...?

No, go and compare notes, come back
and let us know how we've done.

I honestly don't think
I could fault it.Me neither.

It's been superb.

This has been great, hasn't it?

Yeah, I've really enjoyed it.

I'd say it's been "superb".

Yeah, I was going to say "superb".

Right, you get started.

I'll go and review
the toilet facilities.

Oh, I'll get started all right...

They make their own soap.
What is wrong with them?

How's it going?

Shut the door.

How does this sound?

"I can honestly say that tonight
has been utterly hellish.

"I would rather eat my way through

"a bin bag of putrefied
hospital waste..."

Give me that.

Can you do that
with a defibrillator?

I'd happily watch Matt try.

I'll do the real one, shall I?

Yes, please.


It was hilarious!
Poor Steve!

Bronson took him to the cleaners.
He kept saying, "Do it again."

And he kept getting it wrong.

He must have lost at least £30.
That much?!

He couldn't have looked more of a
mug if you'd filled him with cocoa.

That is so funny!

Can we do our puppet show now?

See if Nicky and Steve
have finished with their comments.


I don't know what they're
laughing about. Oh, who cares?

Let's just get this over with.

Snatchy wants to know
if you've finished.

Not quite.
Yes, you have!

No! Snatchy, come...

The jury's verdict is in.
That's not quite ready.

First impressions,
that's all we're after.

Honestly, I wouldn't read that.
It's fine.

We just want to know
what you thought of our evening.

No, you don't.
Come on, then.Let's hear it.

Read it! Read it!

ALL: Read it! Read it!
Read it! Read it!

"I can honestly say that tonight
has been utterly...hellish.

"I would rather
eat my way through..."

I'm not even going to read the next
bit.Yeah, look, we were...

"As for the food presentation..."

Well, let's just say there's mention
of a Labrador and a pavement.

That's uncalled for, Steve.

"Moving on to the surprise guests...

"There are two reasons
why we left Leeds.

"They are called Brian and Keith."


And then there's something about
a defibrillator

that I also won't read.
Matt, Steve was only...

"Oh, and another thing,

"you can call it steak all you like,
veggie bum,

"but it's still cauliflower."

Shall we just call it a draw?

# When the world
In which you're living

# Gets a bit too much to bear

# And you need someone to lean on

# When you look
There's no-one there

# You're gonna find me

# Out in the country

# Yeah, you're gonna find me

# Way out in the country. #