Bad Judge (2014–2015): Season 1, Episode 8 - The Cat's Out of the Bag - full transcript

- How was the shrink's convention?
Oh, you're asking me if they've invented any cool,
New painkillers.
- Uh-huh. - Sadly, no.
- Oh. [cell phone rings]
- Eh, no one. Just a stupid telemarketer.
Oh, okay, speaking of solicitors,
Check out tedward.
I know his moves so well.
First, the friendly touch to the shoulder
To establish intimacy
And then the heartfelt laugh. [laughs]
"I'm just like you, baby. I'm not threatening."
And he closes with the handshake.
- The double-grip shake-- smooth.
[cell phone rings] - [groans]
- Oh, you're popular. - Yeah, not really.
Whatever.
Hey, what's up, player? - What's up, hater?
- Nice handshake, bill clinton. - It's comforting.
Let's them know that I feel their pain.
- Oh, man. Who is she? She looks familiar.
- She should look familiar.
- Okay, the guy I convicted today of breaking and entering?
- That's right. It's perfect.
Look, she gets a fun fling with a nice guy while her man's away.
And in six months, four with good behavior,
He'll get out, and she'll go running back to him.
Nobody gets hurt. - Yeah, except for you...
By an ex-con who's been doing nothing but pumping iron
For six months, four with good behavior.
[cell phone rings] oh.
- Oh, who's keith?
- Uh... - Come on, who is it--
Sexy surf instructor, hot latin pool boy?
I can take it. Come on. - He can take it.
- Keith is my ex-husband. - Cool.
Wait. Did you say "ex-husband"?
- [sighs]
[upbeat music]
¶ ¶
- It's a classic, age-old story. Two kids meet in college.
Join a band, fall in love. A dude in cutoffs marries us.
He's a user and a douche bag. The end.
- Oh, yeah. That classic, age-old story.
[cell phone rings] - oy!
Did I mention he's an aussie? G'day, g'day, g'day!
Ugh.
- Um, two more.
This is definitely gonna keep happening.
- I had the weirdest dream last night.
You had an ex-husband you never told me about.
No, seriously.
I've been thinking about you since the bar last night.
I just want to make sure you're okay.
- Gary, I can do eight shots of tequila, no problem.
I'm an adult. I'm fine.
- No, that's not what I... Wow.
We--we might want to talk about that too.
You seem like you might have some unresolved issues there.
- No, no, no, no. No. Okay.
Gary, I see the little mouse on the wheel inside your head,
Spinning around.
There's no cheese here, you know.
Or is it seeds? What do mice eat?
I don't know, whatever.
I, dr. Gary boyd, board certified psychiatrist
And recipient of the horace b. Manning award
For my paper in displaced anger issues
In the field of marital strife.
- Well, apparently, not much in this case.
Um, I'm not saying give the horace b. Manning award back,
But you should not feel good about it.
Huh? - Okay.
Chris larson, you have been found guilty
Of breaking and entering.
You are hereby sentenced to three months in county.
- Go screw yourself!
- Huh. That motion's denied.
And you just won yourself an extra 30 days.
Please get mr. Larson out of my courtroom.
- Angelica. I am so, so sorry.
Together we can get through this.
You like seafood?
- Lifting weights, tedward...
That's all they do.
I can't believe you're taking a convict's girlfriend
To dinner.
- I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner.
I mean, from now on, I am a salmon,
And the courthouse is my spawning ground.
- G'day, becks. You look good.
- Keith, you cannot be here. This is my place of work.
- It's been ten years since I last saw you,
And you're still as cuddly as razor wire.
- This is keith? You're keith?
You never told me keith was australian.
Like, sydney. Maybe western suburbs?
- Western sub-- yeah, basically.
- Yeah, okay. I was seduced by the accent too.
- So you're a judge now. Congratulations.
I guess you, uh, legally get to have the last word, then?
- I tried to call you. I did, but you wouldn't answer.
So I didn't know what else to do, I just came down here.
- So what, the alimony checks have stopped now?
So what, you need a couple grand for a new amp?
- Rebecca. I'm 43 years old.
If I want a new amp, I'll just sell some of my video games.
- So what is it that you do want--
The other half of the bed?
You know he sawed the bed in half?
Oh, yeah, yeah, he literally sawed the bed in half.
- Wow. - I wanted to be fair.
- Except for the alimony. 100/0, so...
- Isn't this nice? We're picking up right where we left off.
- You know what you can do?
You can drop it where we left it or found it.
However it goes, okay? I don't want to pick it up.
- Judge, do you want me to remove him?
- No, you don't have to, 'cause I'm leaving.
I've moved on, 'cause I'm an important person.
- Eddie money died.
- What? - Eddie money died?
Oh, lord. Hey, eddie money died, y'all!
- I-I mean, I guess I always knew that this day...
Would come, but still, it's a shock, it's...
- This is all really hard. I-I can't believe it.
I'll never have his warm breath on my neck.
And I'll never have him licking my face
When I make him sleep with me.
- Wow. You were, like, a real fan.
- No, eddie money was our cat. - Oh, okay.
- Oh, he's a cat. That's even worse.
I'm so sorry.
- I guess eddie got one ticket to "purradise."
[chuckles] too soon?
- Look, I just wanted to come and tell you
That we have a memorial for him at my place tomorrow.
The band's gonna be there.
We're gonna have beer, and I'd just love it if you could come.
- I don't know if I could make it.
But thank you for letting me know.
Hey, say hey to the guys from bitch kitten for me!
- Will do.
- The name of your band was bitch kitten?
- The name of my band was bitch kitten.
- After the cat or after you?
I have my answer.
.
This is when we dressed him up as yoda
And we made him hand out candy with his paws.
He's like, give you candy, I will.
Oh, my gosh.
And then he scratched a kid and they sued.
He was the sweetest, humblest, kindest kitty cat
That ever lived.
I mean, if this cat meant so much to you,
Why did keith get custody? Pfft.
- Gary... I'm a working mother.
I mean, at the end of the day,
We had to do what was best for eddie.
- So are you gonna go to the memorial?
- I want to, but I don't want to open the door to keith.
You know, if he doesn't see me, he can't ask me for anything.
- If you want to go, you should go.
Don't let your feelings for keith prevent you
From saying good-bye to eddie money.
Plus, keith did track you down to tell you.
- Trust me, he has not changed. All right?
He was wearing the same born in the usa t-shirt
He was wearing when we got married.
Only the "b" was faded, so it looks like porn in the usa.
- Oh, remember my friend natalie?
- She got herpes from a max weinberg look alike.
My point is, you should go to the memorial.
- And while you're getting closure with eddie money,
Maybe you could get a little closure with keith.
In the therapy business, that's what we call super sweet,
Unexpected bonus closure.
- I want to go.
I do, you know, but you gotta go with me.
I don't want to go alone. - I can't.
That's when my dad's girlfriend's graduating
From college.
- Oh. - Yeah.
Actually, I need to ask you something.
- Yeah. - I have this recurring dream
Where my dad's trying to hug me,
But his hands are made of knives.
Is that anything?
- Nope. You're clear.
- Told you.
- This ex-con rebound thing is nothing short of glory.
She thinks I'm the world's greatest guy.
- Well, that's because her boyfriend got busted
For breaking into a radio shack during business hours.
So the bar is set pretty low.
- And I'm sailing right over it.
- Whatever metaphor you use, it's wrong.
- Judge wright.
Tedward. - Sir, moo goo gai pan?
- Chinese and me don't agree.
Rebecca, I was just informed that your case against
Chris larson is coming to my court
On emergency appeal. - Hmm?
- Something wrong, tedward?
- Wrong--no. No, sir.
I just want to show my deep and abiding love
For our judicial system. - Huh.
Well, I wish whoever mirandized him felt as strongly as you do.
Apparently, there was a technicality, and I have
To decide if due process was followed.
- So let me just get this straight.
You're saying that chris larson could be getting out soon?
- Mm hmm. - Very soon?
- I am. - Chris larson?
- If he was a victim of improper conduct,
I would release him today if could.
- Well, you know what, justice must be served, tedward.
- Indeed.
- By the way, I loved your beard in 300.
- Oh. - That's right.
- Oh!
- I'm not taking it from you anymore.
Good day.
- He just threw down the mic and walked off stage.
- He's been working on those at home, I can tell.
- Look at this place.
- I love that they planted wheat in the front yard.
- No, no, no. It's not wheat, judy.
This is...Weeds. - Oh.
- Oh, man. Thank you for coming, by the way.
I was so surprised that you asked me.
- I didn't. You insisted.
- You know, anyone who would have a memorial for a pet
Must be a pretty special guy.
I wish I could find a guy like that.
- Are you looking to hook up inside?
- Pet funerals are my e-harmony.
- Oh... [soft rock in background]
Wow.
This is like walking into a museum of my past.
It's like nothing has changed since the day I left.
There's the curtains that we borrowed...From the radisson.
And that's the same lamp that we borrowed from pottery barn.
We stole a bunch of stuff.
- Gosh, oh, my gosh. Look at this.
This is the-- the far side calendar from 2004.
- Rebecca. I got your text.
I'm so glad you're here.
- It's for eddie. I'm here for eddie, so...
- I'll take it. I'll take it.
- All right. - And thank you for coming...
Um, lady who owns cat sweater.
- I, uh, used to have matching pants,
But I lost a ton of weight.
- Good for you. - Oh, my god.
- Bad ass becky. Hey, baby.
[overlapping chatter, kissing sounds]
- God, you look great.
James. - Look at this.
- Oh, god. - Hug that guy!
Just like old times.
- I can't believe-- I just can't believe
It's been ten years. Wow.
- Eddie would have been happy to see us all together.
- Oh, my gosh. This is judy.
- I'm single. - Nice.
- I--I--I've written a few words in remembrance of eddie.
It's a poem. I hope you enjoy it.
It's called eddie.
"e is for every man deserves a cat like eddie.
"d is for damn. Why did you have to die, eddie?
"the second d is for dead, 'cause eddie is dead.
"I is for I love eddie.
And e...Is for eddie."
If you want any food or drinks or anything,
We've opened up the fridge with the, uh, european beers.
I think that's what eddie would have wanted.
Thank you.
- Keith, this was, uh...
It was really a beautiful service.
Thank you. I'm really glad I came.
- Me too. Hey, uh...
Becks, we've got this big gig coming up on Thursday.
There's gonna be some big time promoters there.
It's actually pretty much an audition to go on tour
With led zep again.
That is a big step up for you guys.
But, you know, our drummer had to leave town unexpectedly,
And...You wouldn't be interested in sitting in, would you?
- Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.
I--I don't even know your set-- - our set hasn't changed.
- Hasn't changed. - In ten years?
Really?
- Look, I hate asking you for any type of favor.
I really do, but you would be bailing us out big time.
- Yeah, I--I'm not in shape. I haven't practiced.
You know? - We'll rehearse.
And you were always a band favorite.
What--what do you say? Becks, come on.
- All: Come on. - Do it.
- Do it for bitch kitten.
- Oh, okay.
.
I heard that chris larson's case
Might get thrown out
On technicality. - Yeah.
You know, judge hernandez is hearing that case,
And I don't think he likes me so much,
So I don't know what I could do.
- Well, what you might want to do
Is invoke rhode island vs ennis, okay,
Which, in my opinion, establishes legal precedent
For conviction under similar circumstances.
- Interesting.
I mean, I can look--I'll look into this.
- Thank you, tom. - All right.
- Good work. - Yeah, thanks.
- All right, thank you, tedward.
[meow] - stop right there.
- I'm going to see if judge wright's in her chambers.
- Well, nothing helps ease the loss of a loved one
More than a new love to take its place.
- No, this should not be in here.
All right, cats are disgusting. And mean.
And unlovable...So, unless it's a service animal.
What, is this some sort of seeing-eye cat, judy?
- There's no such thing.
[meow] - I know, that was the premise
Of my sarcastic com-- why do I even talk to her?
- ¶ aah ¶
- Yes!
- Yes! Yes!
- Yes, that was good! That was actually good!
- Thursday's gonna be rad, kittens.
- All right, all right. Who wants drinks?
Becks, I got you some tequila. Now, it's not top shelf.
But I do have a deep supply of fresca to cut it with.
- I love a fresquerita.
You know, I'm having so much fun.
I'm not even mad at you right now.
- All right, I gotta go to the ladies.
Don't worry, I brought, um, a bar of soap,
Just in case that also has not changed.
- Smart.
Calm yourself, james, I've seen you pee off a pool table.
Hello?
[scratching sound]
[purring]
- Eddie money? You're alive?
[meows, purrs]
Of course, you're alive. [meow]
- Hello, angelica. - Hello, perfect man.
- Oh, you mean me?
[both chuckling]
- I know you said that we would have a drink
And then go out to dinner... - Mm-hmm.
- But first, I have a surprise for you.
- Oh, you do? You have a--okay.
You have a...What kind of surprise?
I like surprise-- who are these two?
- Teddy bear,
I would like you to meet my parents,
Dale and debbie gonzalez.
- [murmuring shrilly]
- Okay.
Oh. There's a--you're a strong man.
Oh, babe, I didn't know I was, you know, gonna be
Meeting your parents.
Didn't know that. - Of course you're meeting them.
- Mm-hmm.
- They should know who I'm in love with.
- Okay. Hey, dude, hey, she looks--
[meow]
- Hey, keith.
Want to tell me what the hell's going on?
- It's a miracle? - It's a miracle.
- Shut up. You sicken me, all of you.
- [chuckles] let me explain.
- You faked our cat's death.
What, to soften me up so I'd play in your stupid show?
- Wow. I didn't have to explain anything.
- You know what, you're sick. You are sick.
- I know it's crazy, I know it's stupid but...
It's a huge opportunity for the band.
- The band! The band, the band, the band.
It's always about the band for you, keith.
You're 43 years old, and you've never changed.
You need to grow up. Okay?
You know what? I quit.
- You can't quit. Don't quit.
- Yes.
And I'm taking eddie money with me.
Oh, yeah. - What?
Come on, eddie. Yeah.
I asked you to fix this 14 years ago.
- I'm waiting on parts.
- Hey, tedward, we gotta stop meeting like this.
People are starting to talk.
- That's the least of your problems.
You're gonna send an innocent man to jail.
- Wait, what? No.
What--when? - Today.
Chris larson is not guilty.
- Weren't you just arguing the exact opposite thing?
- Look, I had a change of heart
Thanks to mcnabb vs. The United States.
We have to honor his miranda rights...Okay?
Look, it's the only thing that separates us from the animals.
- Well, we also make love to our mates face-to-face.
- I'm gonna go.
- So you took the cat? - I took the cat, yes.
And, well, then I actually, I brought him back.
He's got diabetes.
He needs, like, five shots a day.
I'm still a working mother.
- It's ridiculous that he faked a cat's death.
- Man, how good are you at the drums?
- Well, you know what, I'm better drumming
Than you are at shrinking.
Oh, it's been ten years. People change.
You gotta get closure on your issues.
- Okay, you know what? People do change.
The same band in the same house that I did ten years ago.
It was like going back in time.
- Look, I know keith never changed.
But you did. - What are you talking about?
- No, I--I mean, I wouldn't want to head shrink you.
I know how much you hate that.
I hate the mouse, the cheese, the--oh, just go ahead.
I know you want to.
- Okay.
You and keith started off the same.
Right, the band mattered this much to both of you, right?
- Yeah, because I was 23 years old.
- W--
Right. But then you changed.
Rebecca, you're the one who grew.
You're the one who wanted more.
And then you blamed keith when he couldn't keep up.
- Of course, I did. He was my hus--
Wow.
Gary... You're good.
- I think you mean dr. Boyd.
- Just think, after all this time, keith still wants me
To play with him.
You really do deserve that horace b. Manning award.
- Well, I hope so. I already gave it to my mom.
- Rebecca, I know this is a deep moment, but a second ago,
You said play with him.
And I thought that was hilarious.
- What's wrong with you?
.
- Hey, bad news, cat fancy. Eddie money is alive.
Take your pal lime disease out of here.
This is unsanitary.
- But she's the courthouse kitty.
Catticus finch.
- No.
- Fine.
Just let me feed her. Here.
Hold her for a second.
- Oh--mm. Hi.
[kitten purrs] [thus spoke zarathustra plays]
Oh...
[murmuring] yes, you...
Oh!
[murmuring]
[kitten purring] [nonsense noises]
Oh... She's, like, purring.
She's like a vibrating little mushy wush.
I...Oh, I think I hear a heartbeat.
Oh, I think I do.
- I'll drop her crate off in your office.
- Yeah, that'll work. [ahem]
[whispering] [kitten meows]
- Due to some very surprising cooperation
Between opposing counsel, I find that the defendant
Was improperly mirandized,
And I hereby sentence you to time served.
[gavel taps] you are free to go, sir.
- Tom, man. Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Look, you saved me, man. And I owe you forever.
- Wait, what? I...Saved you? - Thank you.
- Did you manipulate me and the law for your own personal gain?
- Well, as long as judge hernandez likes me more.
Thanks, bud. - That's the key.
Good job, barlow.
- Hey? I know you like angelica.
I came to warn you. - Yo, you need to back up, man.
Look, she is all yours.
- Are you nuts?
I got myself busted to get away from her.
I thought I'd be safe in jail.
Then some idiot got me free and now I gotta make a run for it.
[singsong] she's crazy.
Good luck, sucker.
- [growls]
[mellow rock chords]
¶ ¶
[music stops] - thank you.
- All right, guys. Wish me luck.
- All right.
- Rebecca?
- Sorry I'm late, guys. - You're not angry anymore?
- Well, I'm always angry, keith, but, uh...
I couldn't bear the thought of you guys not opening
For led zep again.
All right? Let's do this.
- We have a very special guest this evening.
A woman whose alimony checks kept this band going for years.
- That's true.
- On drums, judge rebecca wright.
- Yeah! Ow!
- This one goes out to... Horace b. Manning.
- All right.
- Two, three, four!
[rock music]
- ¶ if you think I'll sit around ¶
¶ as the world goes by ¶
- Oh, judas priest. - Yeah, she's so romantic.
- ¶ out there is a fortune waiting to be had ¶
¶ think I'll let it go, you're mad ¶
¶ you got another thing comin' ¶
¶ ¶
¶ you got another thing comin' ¶