Bad Judge (2014–2015): Season 1, Episode 12 - Lockdown - full transcript

Only three hours until the party bus leaves

for the Kings game.

Are you ready?

Am I ready?

- What?
- What?

We are all kings, Tedward.

Man, I'ma eat so much stadium food tonight.

All I've had was a head
of cabbage for breakfast.

That's it.

Expands your stomach and
then clears you out, okay?

I'm putting on a show tonight.



Look what I got for Gary.

It's a toothbrush.

I see that.

For my place.

- Oh, hey, that' a big step.
- Yeah.

You sure you're ready to
go to toothbrush level?

Well, I left a phone charger
at his place a couple weeks ago,

and that's been going good so far, so...

Okay, yeah.

All I could think about
today was the Kings game,

and I had this defense
attorney who would not shut up.

"The truth will come out, blah, blah, blah.

The real killer's still on the streets.

Blah, blah, blah."



Doesn't he know we're hosting the ducks?

Sir, we are so excited.

Thank you for getting us the luxury box.

- Yeah, thank you.
- My pleasure.

It's not many times a
year I have the opportunity

to rock this.

You have a bolo for every occasion.

No, but I will by Hanukkah.

It lights up.

Hey, I wanted to see what time

we should be at the game tonight.

Ooh, I rented a party bus,

so no one has to worry
about drinking and driving.

It'll leave the courthouse promptly at 6:00

Judge Hernandez, I think it's worth noting

that you aren't bringing
Mrs. H to the game tonight.

Hint taken.

No, Judy, I don't like you.

You think you don't like
me, but we're Sam and Diane.

Excuse me, folks.

We have a situation.

A gunman has barricaded himself

inside the bank across the street.

We're putting this entire
building on lockdown.

Nobody in or out until this is over.

Oh, no, wait, wait, wait.

All right.

We start the pre-party now, okay?

I got four beers and...

A zima.

Who'd like to take a trip back to 1993?

Hey, guys.

Gary, you're here too?

Yeah, I was testifying down the hall

about a nutjob who
thinks he's Jesus Christ.

Oh, well, if he's on lockdown,

he can turn water into wine.

Let me know, 'cause we could use it.

Can everyone just make an agreement

to stop saying the word "lockdown"?

I'm starting to feel a little trapped.

What are you talking about?

You're here all day, every day.

I know, but I could leave the other days.

This is...

Oh, so now the person

who puts people in prison

is starting to feel like
he's in a prison of his own.

And scene.

Let's play a game.

Ooh, secrets.

All right, everybody write down

an interesting and true
fact about theirselves

that no one else knows,

and then someone will try to guess

which card goes to which person, yeah?

All right, this is dumb.

Tom, since you will probably have

the least interesting facts about yourself,

you are going to have to guess.

And here we go.

Tom. All right.

You have one minute to match these up.

Ready? And...

Go.

"I'm so hungry."

I am. I am so hungry.

All right, number two.

"I skied on acid."

Duh.

That is you.

Done that.

"I've only slept with four people."

Sorry.

Pretty obvious.

"I played college basketball."

Ooh... You already gave me one,

and that's... Racist.

- Thank you.
- 30 seconds.

Ah, okay.

Uh, fine.

I guess it's got to be, hmm?

And so, Judge, you are,

"I cry for 20 minutes every morning."

That's probably not right. Ha!

Your Honor, sorry, I'm sure that's...

Just hold it for now.

- Time!
- Okay.

How'd I do? Let's see it.

Raise your hands.

One?

Seriously? Are you kidding?

You're all lying. You've
obviously skied on acid.

I don't ski.

That was me.

Whoa.

I don't condone such behavior,

but it was the '60s.

My friends and I got lost on
the wrong side of the mountain.

And we were in trouble,

and that's when this giant
conifer tree leaned over

and began to speak to us

told us to follow the valley downhill,

turn right at the weeping boulder,

and that would take us to the
road right by our ski lodge.

And so that day, I said that
I would help guide others

the way that conifer had guided us,

and here I am.

Wow.

That's heavy, man.

So I played college basketball.

- Is that right?
- No way!

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I
eventually had to choose.

It got in the way of my partying.

So, you know, it was a Sophie's choice,

but I feel like I made the right call.

And Tom, I make it a point

to cry for at least 20 minutes a day.

- On purpose?
- Yes, Sam Malone.

I set an alarm, and then
I cry until it buzzes.

And then I usually hit the snooze button.

Gary, which card is yours?

Oh, I think Judy has my card.

- Seriously?
- What?

Gary.

You have only slept with four people?

You know, I... I lost
my virginity in college.

And I guess I had a few
long-term relationships.

A few?

But you've only...

I'm the fourth woman that you've slept...

- I mean, I am number four, right?
- Yeah.

Why does this freak you
out? Because... okay,

'cause my number four was in high school.

Okay, look, I'm not a virgin.

- Yeah, none of us are virgins.
- All right?

I just had a girlfriend for nine years.

You had a relationship for nine years?

With whom?

Uh, Cecile.

Cecile.

Who's... who's Cecile?

I don't know, look,

we broke up, like, eight months ago, so...

Hold on a minute.

Wait, wait, you're telling me

you had a nine-year relationship
with a woman named Cecile

that I never knew about

up until two months before
we started seeing each other?

- I...
- I take it back.

This game is fun.

Lockdown!

Who is this Cecile?

I mean... I mean, you
know, how'd you guys meet?

We met through mutual friends.

You know, she was in town
for a summit on world peace.

Oh, so she's one of those
hippie protester types.

You know... Ugh!

Yeah, young, hopeful, and stinky?

Well, no, I mean,

she's a human rights attorney.

Amnesty International was awarding her

with the golden dove

for her work with Cambodian refugees.

- Wow, really?
- Yeah.

Well, and then she invited
me to live with her in London

while she trained for her Channel swim.

I don't know. One thing led to another.

Nine years just flew right by.

She sounds like a lovely woman.

Yeah, yeah.

So what did... Who broke up with who?

It was a mutual breakup.

You know, I was ready to
start my practice here,

and she wanted to move back home to France.

Whoa, France... She's French.

- Yeah.
- Oh.

Fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh.

This lady sounds perfect, right?

I mean, what is she, George Clooney's...

Wife?

That's so weird.

She actually dated George for a while.

It's crazy I used to be so
jealous about that, right?

No, that's crazy.

So... so it was the geography?

I mean, that's what...
That's what did you in?

Well, you know, that and the fact

she realized she was dating Gary.

No offense, Gary. Yeah.

But, you know, you should be

dating someone like Rebecca here.

Yeah. What?

Sorry, friends.

The gunman has stopped
responding to the negotiator.

So you guys are gonna be
in lockdown a while longer.

Guys, let me handle this.

Officer to officer. Yeah.

Okay, can we speed this lockdown up?

We got to get to the Kings game, okay?

If you can just take care of that for me.

That's a dollar.

Valets get tipped more than that.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

Oh, is there any good news?

They're makingToy Story 4.

Oh, that's funny.

Funny, funny cop.

The dollar thing didn't work. Um...

I'm getting shaky.

I need to eat something. Okay, okay.

Hey, hey, you just keep it together.

We're gonna go to the
break room, all right,

and get you some food, all right?

- Ooh!
- We're gonna look for food.

No, no, no, those are just candy wrappers.

Doesn't even take dollars.

What are you doing?

I'm losing my mind.

This place is worse than prison.

At least in prison, you
get 30 minutes in the yard.

You know you don't have to be here, right?

You can leave whenever you want.

Uh, hi, Judy.

Welcome to what's happening.

We are on lockdown.

But you are an officer of the court,

which means you have a badge.

So?

So use it.

Just go out there and flash your badge

and walk right past those cops.

Easy breezy.

Yeah! Yeah, you're right.

I'm not a criminal. Mmmm.

I am the law.

And I am going for it.

Sir, we're under lockdown.

Oh, it's okay, Officer. I have a badge.

- You can't leave.
- What?

No, it's this badge.

No, sir... sir!

Stop right there...

Poor Tom. He seems to be losing his mind.

I know. It's awesome, isn't it?

It is, actually.

There's got be more

to that story about
Gary's breakup with Cecile.

For a superhero?

The only relationships that end mutually

are the ones where both people
die in the same accident, okay?

So what are you saying?

I'm saying I think that
Cecile broke his heart

and that Gary is still in love with her.

That's what I'm saying.

Look, look, look, I
acknowledge the situation

that you're in, okay,

and your emotional distress regarding it.

That said, I cannot care about anything

beyond the sweet harvest
in that break room.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Looters.

Nothing?

Nothing?

I saw this going a million different ways.

Plane crash.

Taking a bullet for you, you know?

Quicksand, you know, part
of a larger narrative.

Not like this!

Soy sauce?

- Aww.
- Oh, my gosh.

Rebecca, you got to see this.

See, they think it's a pile of garbage,

but then it moves,

and they realize it's a little pooch.

And now they're giving it a bath,

and at first he's scared,

but then he realizes they're here to help,

and he's smiling. Do you see that?

What? Garbage dog gets a bath.

What's the big deal? I know Cecile used to

always bawl at animal rescues. Hmm.

That and when she got a political prisoner

out of jail

and holding starving children, of course.

Of course. Tedward.

Oh, do you guys wanna see this video

of a baby giraffe being born?

Was it really necessary

to come all the way back to your chambers?

I am way too weak to be burning
calories all willy-nilly.

Shh! Come on.

I have something to show you.

Is it bra food?

Please tell me that it is bra food.

There's no bra food, Tedward.

You are losing it. Oh, do not give me that.

You're always dropping stuff down there.

Remember that time we went to the movies,

and then afterwards,

you found three sour patch
kids and two raisinets.

Okay, just... There's nothing.

Oh, well, there's a bottle cap.

Bottle cap.

What? It's a dime and a...

- Come on, just lift it up!
- All right, fine!

Just give me a minute.

Here. Oh!

Oh! Oh, my God, it's an altoid.

Savor it.

That is not... That is not an altoid.

Oh, man, that's my calcium pill.

You can still eat it.
It's good for your bones.

Look, look, look.

What?

Oh, you've been holding out

on the chocolate cell phone.

No, fool, it's not a chocolate phone.

It's Gary's.

I snagged it after you guys
were finished looking at

that puppy video which
was so sad and moving.

Why do you have Gary's cell phone?

Because there's only one way to find out

if Gary is in love with Cecile still.

I'm gonna call her.

I'm gonna pretend to be Dr. Gary Boyd,

and we're gonna have a little chat

about the relationship,

find out what that perfect humanitarian,

multilingual cheese-eater has to say.

Oh, cheese.

Oh, here it is.

Wait, there's three
Cecile's in his contacts.

Yeah, who knows three Ceciles?

None of them have last names.

They're all local numbers.

We're just gonna have to call 'em all

until we find her.

Okay, here's why your plan is stupid.

Neither one of us sound like Gary.

Oh, come on.

You mean to tell me that you don't have

some super offensive white guy impression

that you don't roll out

when all your "caucasians" aren't around?

I'll make the first call.

Good evening, Cecile.

- Do you think
- Yeah?

- That's how we sound?
- Yeah.

It's Gary Boyd. Dr.
Boyd, I'm glad you called!

Wrong Cecile.

I've been feeling so depressed...

Yeah, I'm... I'm glad I called too.

It's almost like I sensed

that you and Jim were having problems.

Bail, bail.

I can't... they're
having marriage problems.

Have you told Jim this
is how he makes you feel?

Hang up!

Uh, don't go to bed mad.

I'm doing the next one.

Bonjour, so sorry to have missed your call.

Yeah, it's her. It's voice-mail.

But I am in Serbia helping
Prime Minister Vucic

deal with the dropping value of the dinar.

Wow.

I'll call you back once we secure funding

from the International Monetary Fund.

Au revoir.

Uh, hey, Cecile.

It's, uh...

Gary.

Just having a baguette,

thinking about you,

missing you,

au revoir.

Hey.

Now, that was terrible.

I know, but I can't give
my toothbrush to Gary

if he's still in love
with his ex-girlfriend.

And who can blame him?

I mean, Cecile, I mean, she's... God.

I mean, she's a lady, you know?

Probably descended from
royalty or something,

and my ancestors are all
bookies out of Phoenix.

Hey, you hold your head high, okay?

'Cause in Phoenix, the bookies are royalty.

Tom. You know, Judy and
I were just talking about

the time we had a raccoon in the vents,

and we were wondering, how
did that raccoon get in there?

And it occurred to us it must
have come from the outside.

If this story ends with the raccoon

leading you out of the
forest, I've heard it.

What's your point?

The point is, the vents lead

to the outside of the building.

So if you really want to leave,

there's your exit.

That's brilliant.

I am heading out to freedom!

I will remember you.

This is so much fun.

I know, right?

I wonder what ever
happened to that raccoon?

He found a nice home,

and he doesn't mind
putting on baby clothes.

Hmm.

- You all right, Tom?
- Mommy.

You guys, I'm not gonna make it.

Just tell the story of what I did here.

Rosebud.

Hold on, Tedward.

Don't you have an earthquake
kit underneath your desk

with a bunch of granola bars in it?

Gary, I found your phone in my office.

Hey.

You weren't snooping
by any chance, were you?

No, that's weird.

I don't know how it got in there.

Guess I'll just have to
take your word for it,

whatever that's worth.

No.

Somebody's been in my earthquake kit,

took four granola bars.

This is not happening.

What?

Tedward, why do you have cigarettes

in your earthquake kit?

Currency for the apocalypse.

Hey, man, are you sure they were in there?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm sure they were in there.

What's wrong?

Someone's been in my earthquake kit,

took some granola bars.

Who was it, hmm?

Was it you?

Was it you?

Was it you, Barlow?

Don't be silly.

I don't even like peanut butter.

Ha ha!

I never said what flavor they were,

but they were, in fact, peanut butter...

Something only the thief and I would know.

It was just a guess because
I know you love peanut butter.

Wrong again!

- Ooh!
- I only started eating

peanut butter again recently
after a long cold spell.

Oh, God, whatever.

I didn't take your stupid granola bars.

Just admit it, Tom.

It wasn't me.

Guys, guys, take it easy, okay?

I know you're lying.

If only I could prove it.

Wait a minute.

I've got an idea.

Yeah, we'll get the polygraph machine

from the probation office.

Then we'll find out
who's been keeping secrets

and hiding their true feelings.

Yes, feelings about
the stolen granola bars.

Hmm. Yeah, sure, that too.

Tom goes first since
he's the prime suspect.

Okay, I'm just gonna say right now,

I think Gary is... Looks pretty guilty.

Okay so do Tom and then Gary.

All right.

Tom, let's begin.

First I need to establish a baseline.

Is your name Tom Barlow?

Yes.

Do you own a black Nissan Altima?

Yes...

I mean, no. I mean...

Technically, they are
both under Tippy's name,

but we agreed that it's mine
to drive during the week.

Did you take the granola
bars from my earthquake kit?

No, I did not.

Big spike!

Tom, you're lying.

Okay.

Tedward, yes, all right?

I broke in there a couple of hours ago,

but I needed a snack,

and tippy did not pack my banana chips.

Tom, you're officially in the dog house

until further notice.

This would make a terrible
episode ofLaw & Order.

Okay, but just so you know,

when I opened it,

there was only one granola bar inside.

I did not touch the other three.

He's telling the truth.

Okay, so who took the others, huh?

Well, I think we all understand it's Gary.

Come on, Gary, you're next.

What? Come on.

No, wait... no, I...

Because I was told about
the earthquake kit by Judy.

Let's do this.

"Let's do this."

First I need to establish a baseline.

Don't bother; I'm too tired to fight.

I took two granola bars
out of your earthquake kit

this morning before the
lockdown even started.

- Judy.
- I'm sorry.

I had a craving.

And while I'm on here,

Rebecca, I go into your office after work

and try on your robes.

And Tedward,

I tried on your pants once.

- Why?
- Twice.

- What?
- A week.

- Huh? Damn!
- For a year.

She's telling the truth.

Well, that still leaves one
granola bar unaccounted for,

and, Gary...

Your breath did smell
like oats this morning,

so, you know, come on up.

- Is your name Dr. Gary Boyd?
- Yes.

- Are you really a doctor?
- Yes.

Like you went to medical school?

Yeah.

Like you passed the boards
and all that kind of stuff?

Tedward, is this part of the baseline?

Hey, I have always had my doubts.

Let's get into it.

Did you take a granola
bar from my earthquake kit?

- No, I did not.
- He's clear.

- Are you in love with Cecile?
- What?

Does she have the voice of an angel?

That's something I've been wondering.

Of an angel? I don't know.

I mean, she toured with
the Black Eyed Peas,

but, like, briefly. What?

How is this just coming out now?

Are you in love with Cecile?

Wait, is that what's been bothering you?

What, you think I still
have feelings for Cecile?

I don't know, maybe, you know?

I mean, you guys had a pretty fast breakup

for having such a long relationship,

and she's so perfect,

and maybe you're hiding
something, you know?

She's got the voice of an angel.
Are you still in love with her?

Rebecca, I couldn't possibly

still be in love with her, because...

Well, you probably don't
want to hear this, but...

I'm in love with you.

Rebecca.

I love you.

He's telling the truth, Judge.

Gary.

I love you too.

Yeah?

Yeah, I do.

I... I love you, Gary.

Oh, look what I got you.

Just a minute.

What's happening?

Here.

It's a toothbrush for
you to keep at my place.

Hey, that... That is a big step!

- I know.
- Yeah.

Great news, friends.

We have resolved the situation outside.

The area is cleared,

and you are all free to go.

Yes!

What happened with the gunman?

That didn't turn out too great.

Bank's probably gonna
be closed for a while.

I recommend the branch over on Magnolia

until they get the blood out.

Go Kings!

If we get on that bus right now,

we will be in our seats
when the puck drops.

- Yes!
- Let's do this, people!

No, no, no. Nobody's going anywhere

till we figure out what
happened to my last granola bar.

Oh, there it is. That's funny.

It was in my holster the whole time.

- Tedward...
- Come on.

I wonder what happened to my gun.

Third trip and no end in sight.

That cabbage breakfast
is the best idea I've had.

Thanks for all this, Judge.

Cheers.

You can really thank me, Tedward,

by trying very hard to find your gun.

Mm. It's somewhere.

Yeah.

You know what, Tom?

I'm really proud of you.

You handled that lockdown
today like a real man.

Thank you.

- Come on, that's high sticking!
- Come on.

Are you [Bleep] kidding me?
[Crowd noise in background]

Skate faster to get to the [Bleep] play,

you [Bleep] idiot.

Yeah, that's my special lady.

That's weird.

Cecile's calling me.

Bonjour.

What?

No, I didn't call you.

Yeah, pretty sure.

I said what?

No, no, I...

Au revoir.

I take it you don't want
me to have her number.

Gary.