Bad Judge (2014–2015): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

[alarm sounding]
[audra mae and the almighty sound's won't grow up]
- [groans]
Oh.
¶ ¶
Oh! Ah!
- ¶ I'm bored of these pills ¶
¶ dog tired of driving halfway across town ¶
¶ just to sit still ¶
¶ I'm going my way ¶
¶ I'm gonna let loose ¶
¶ no I don't care ¶
¶ letting down my hair ¶
¶ letting go of my balloon ¶
¶ well I'll follow this road ¶
¶ wherever it takes me ¶
¶ I won't grow up ¶
¶ and you can't make me ¶
¶ ¶
- Superior court is now in session.
The honorable rebecca wright
Judge presiding.
- Yes!
Ahem.
- Oh, come on. Are you serious? - Go on, take it.
- What am I supposed to do with that?
- I don't know. Be glad that it's negative.
I am. Come on. - Oh, god.
- Go.
Please be seated. Do it quietly.
I've got a headache.
Can somebody get me some gatorade?
[rock music]
- Case number 34hc710, state vs. Mr. Douglas riller.
We are here to consider the bail request
For mr. Riller, who's accused of two charges
Of bigamy, multiple counts of fraud,
And one count of falsifying identity.
Appears as though hotshot here had two families at once.
You're the player who likes to play, mr. Riller.
How do you answer to these charges?
- Not guilty, your honor.
I love them all equally.
- Well, you've clearly never been to thailand.
Trial date will be set and bail--
- Your honor, we have expert testimony
That mr. Riller is a flight risk,
And ask that bail be denied.
- Really, tom? He's got no priors.
You want to do this? - Yeah.
I'd like to call dr. Gary boyd to the witness stand.
- Hello, dr. Boyd.
- Hello, judge wright.
- So, dr. Gary boyd,
In your expert opinion, as one of the most
Prominent psychiatrists in the state of california,
Does the accused pose an undue risk of flight?
- All right, counselor, a word.
- Right in the middle of something.
Is a flight risk, not an audition for a few good men?
- Sorry if my questioning doesn't work for your hangover,
But it's protocol. - Yeah?
Are tight pants part of your protocol too?
- These pants are fitted.
- All right, just lay off the grandstanding, tom, all right?
You may want to have kids someday.
- My eyes are up here.
- [clears throat] dr. Boyd, carry on.
- Your honor, mr. Riller is a very real flight risk
Who shows classic sociopathic tendencies.
He consistently establishes intimate relationships,
And then flees when there are consequences.
Mr. Riller's also quite charming.
He already has a date with his lawyer.
- I object. That is a work dinner.
- And karaoke.
Mr. Riller, are you a flight risk?
- Your honor, absolutely not.
I am a family man with deep roots in this community.
Ask either of my wives.
- Just answer one question.
Does air avianca fly nonstop to costa rica?
- Don't answer that. - Only if you take the 10:20,
Otherwise there's a layover in mexico city.
Oh. - Someone's been looking
Into travel to the only country in this hemisphere
Without a u.S. Extradition policy.
Bail is denied. [bangs gavel]
- Dr. Boyd, a word with you in my chambers.
- Yes, your honor.
[both moaning]
- Three times on your desk in one month?
Nice. - Well, three times ever.
Well, except for our world cup hookup.
Oh, wait, the other night too.
- There was no world cup hookup with you and me.
- No, really?
- Nope. Sorry.
- Whoa. Are you sure?
- Okay, yeah. That was us.
- Gary! [laughs]
Oh. - Uh, what's--what's that?
- Oh, that is a box that once contained a pregnancy test.
- Mm-hmm, no, I get that. But hey, we use--
We use condoms every time, right?
- You are correct, sir.
Are you doing sex math? - I am.
So you--you're sleeping with other people,
And you thought you were pregnant with my--whoa, okay.
- No, but yes, in that you are not the only you, you know.
- I do, I do. I'm a pretty evolved cat.
It's all good. Hey, let's go back to that,
Um, pregnancy test thing for a sec.
Negative, right? - Yes.
- Hey, your honor--oh, damn! - Hey.
- Da-ha-ha-mn. Not bad, your honor.
Not bad at all.
And, dr. Boyd, hey, you been in the gym?
Two-a-days? You look good, man.
- We were just reenacting a case scenario.
- Yeah. - Mm-hmm, yeah, a case.
I've seen it late-night on cinemax.
- Oh, which one? Witness for the sexecution
Or sequester sisters?
Wait, no, I remember. Juror's box.
- The ju-- hey, keep this dude around.
- All right, tedward, what did you want?
- All right, judge hernandez needs you
To file a motion for him by the end of the day,
And lincoln elementary school is on line one,
Mr. Robby shoemaker.
- Oh, robby. Robby, robby, robby.
- I heard "lincoln elementary school" from out in the hall.
Do not take that call. - Hi, your honor.
Of course I'm gonna take the call.
It's what I do.
Hello, robby.
Okay, dude, trust me when I tell you
That you have no leverage, all right?
So don't say a thing. You're ten years old.
Nobody's gonna negotiate with you, got it?
I'm gonna be there as soon as I can.
- No, you're not. - Bye.
- This is not happening.
- Sir, I put both of his parents in prison.
If the kid needs a little
Legal something-something, I'm gonna help him.
His mother is 18 months clean and sober.
- It works if you work it.
- Keep coming back. Although, you know what?
I did not go back.
Sir, sir, two more months.
His mom's got two more months on her sentence,
And he's ten years old.
- Your job is to clear cases for the state of california.
Is this kid more important than the state of california?
- Well, he's not less important.
- Mm, damn. - Nice!
- What?
- What's the emergency?
- I knew you'd come,
'cause you feel guilty.
- That was a mandatory sentencing,
And it was not my fault.
[sighs]
Well, I'm here.
Might as well work my magic.
- I drew a picture of my p.E. Teacher, mr. Pembert.
- Mm-hmm.
- With big-ass boobies. - [chuckles]
- Principal johnson will see you now.
- I'm robby shoemaker's counsel.
- You know you can't get rid of your guilt
By buying me off with ice cream, pizza, and cash.
- Fine, give it back. - Okay, you can buy me off.
- All right, you know what, dude?
Buy you off? I got your sentence reduced
From two weeks detention to an apology to your teacher.
I mean, frankly, you should be buying me off.
- And you have a hickey on your neck.
- I do not have a hickey.
Oh, man, I got a hickey.
That must be from gary.
All right.
- Keep going to the corner.
I seriously don't need alfonso seeing a judge drop me off.
- Who's alfonso?
- Alfonso's a 12-year-old kid
Who can already grow a beard.
His hobbies include beating on me,
And watching kung-fu movies so he can find new ways
To beat on me.
See you next time. - All right.
Wait, wait, wait, no, there's not gonna be a next time.
Hey, hey, hey. Seriously.
This was a one-time thing.
Do not call me again.
- Hey, mami. - You alfonso?
- I'll be whoever you want me to be.
- Damn, you can grow a beard, dude.
- You want to get some pesce and some white wine?
- No, I do not want to dine with you, sir.
You leave robby alone.
You hear me?
I'm serious, I will cut you.
- I am officially asking you not to take the calls
From children or sisters or parents or husbands
Of the people you lock up.
- Okay, how about email? Snapchat? Tinder?
Can I take those?
- I wish you'd rethink this.
[elevator bell rings]
- I know what I'm doing.
Oh, wait. Is this going up?
.
¶ hump de bump, doop bop ¶
¶ hump de bump ¶ - whoo!
Oh, oh, sorry. Sorry, dude.
Chili peppers. Involuntary, sorry.
- Morning, judge. - Hey.
- What's up? Your cafe con leche.
- Gracias.
- One breakfast burrito con todo.
- Mm-hmm. - Hey, try this fresh salsa.
Don't worry, it's mild. - Oh.
- Mm-hmm. Both: Mmm.
- You like that? - [chokes]
Mild? For who, the devil?
[coughs] gene simmons?
I feel like I just made out with godzilla.
It's muy caliente. - [laughs]
- Whoa, okay. Personal space, dude.
That one's on you. Hmm?
- Whatever.
- ¶ hump de bump, doop bodu ¶
¶ hump de bump, doop bop ¶
¶ hump de bump ¶
- Hey, your honor. - What's happening?
- You might want to take the back way.
Judge hernandez is waiting on you.
You should have filed that motion.
He's "old guy on the verge of a aneurysm" mad.
Okay? He's like...
- You know what, I deal with mentally unstable criminals
All day long, and I'm sure I can handle
A slightly irritated judge hernandez.
- Oh, all right. - Where are you going?
- Oh. I'm eating a bomb-sicle.
Security says we have to go outside to eat them
Because it involved the word "bomb."
Crazy, right?
2014 is a trip. - Word.
- Later.
- Well, hey, hey, hey. - Hey.
- You're not trying to, you know...
- What? - Accidentally run into me like,
"oh, rebecca, hey. What's up, girl?"
- No, smith v. Clark.
Yeah, testifying for the defense.
If that's okay with you, your ego.
I mean, your honor.
- Ouch.
- No, I'm just kidding. I don't care.
Do what you want. - A little bit.
You care a little bit? - Unh-uh.
- Come on. Burn through a box of condoms
And a jug of tequila, you'll come crawling back.
- Whoa-ho, don't hold your breath, my friend.
- We'll see. - Oh, come--come on, gary.
Hey, if it makes you feel any better,
This is your hickey!
That's a song, you guys.
¶ if it makes you feel any better ¶
¶ this is your hickey, gary ¶
¶ oh, oh ¶
[elevator bell rings] - know that there was a case
Back in 1983--
- Mm-hmm. - Well, if it isn't
Little miss trainwreck.
- There you are, judge hernandez.
- Judge wright, I specifically asked you to file that motion.
- I know, sir. I'm so sorry.
I had an emergency come up.
- No, lying. See, that is a lie.
She was out there helping her at-risk youth.
Might I suggest an official sanction?
- Could be any closer to me right now?
- Sorry. - Oh, sir,
If you'll excuse me just one moment,
I've got to take this call.
- No, no, no, no, no. Do not take that call.
You are a judge, not a social worker.
- Fine, okay. But just so you know,
You can't blame robby for me not filing that motion, okay?
I wanted this to be a surprise--thank you, tom.
- You're welcome. - But I got tapped
To give the dunham law commencement speech.
I've been kind of lost in my speech writing.
- Oh, you're the keynote?
- I am. - I'm a trustee.
- Yes, I know that, sir. - I'll be there.
- I look forward to it. - Oh, me too.
Maybe we should car pool. I'll meet you there.
Let's just--we'll all meet-- I'm going to see him there too.
Oh, you just wormed your way
Out of not filing that motion. - Yeah, I did.
- You know, she didn't file that moti--
He's gone. - God, your grasp--
Your grasp is always just exceeding the reach.
Oh, oh, oh, that must suck, huh? [phone rings]
Oh, look, I got a call from lincoln elementary.
I got to take it. Judge wright.
- [mocking tone] judge wright.
- I still don't know why judge wright is here
For this meeting.
I mean, it is an elementary school.
- Ms. Wright is a mentor and a very important judge.
- [belches]
Excuse me, so sorry.
I had wine and cake for breakfast.
So which gang recruited robby?
- A gang? There's been a misunderstanding.
Robby drew an offensive portrait.
- Okay, apparently I was misled again.
May I see the picture, please?
Oh.
It's you, mr. Thorpe.
Except your head is a penis.
Actually it's very good. He really got you.
I mean, did you evaluate this?
- I did evaluate it, yes.
- So, here's the story.
Robby is having a tough time in his group home.
He's a victim of bullying and fighting.
And so I'm sure this is just a cry out for attention.
Right, robby? - No.
I just think mr. Thorpe's head looks like a dong.
- That's not acceptable!
- Mr. Thorpe, can we just look at this
As an artistic expression of a frustrated child
Who would benefit more from guidance
And understanding rather than punishment?
- I don't like it. - I understand.
- I realize I have an oddly shaped head.
But I'm sensitive about it.
- Mr. Thorpe, I understand,
And if you'll just let me take care of this,
I promise you it will never happen again.
Thanks so much, and you might want to just consider
Switching your part.
Might help cover the curvature.
- I'd be happy to do portraits of your family.
- All right, that's enough. - Oh, come on now.
[grunts]
- First off, you got to stop lying to get me to show up.
It's not cool.
Second, you got to notify the head of the group home,
Document the bullying,
And then file a police report.
All right.
When this kid alfonso comes at you,
You hold up your hands like you're afraid to fight.
Like that, right? And then boom!
You punch him in the nose as hard as you can.
Nothing scares a bully like seeing his own blood.
Hmm? - You know,
That's the best advice a grown-up's given me
In a long time.
- Really?
You think I'm a grown-up?
- Well, if you're asking me,
Then you really got problems.
- Nice.
All right, let me see your right.
Again, harder.
Yeah.
Get out of my van.
Mr. Riller, before I pronounce sentencing,
Is there anything you or anyone on your behalf
Would like to say? - Your honor,
Mrs. Riller and mrs. Riller have agreed
To petition the court for leniency.
- Your honor, I knew douglas riller
As a loving husband and father to my two children
From a previous marriage.
- Your honor, I too knew douglas riller
As a loving husband and father to our two dobermans.
And although I am not happy about his lies,
I have to say that he's always been there for me
When I'm sick, and supportive when I was down.
- He was also there for me when I was sick,
And supportive when I was down,
Except for a few times when she was sick at the same time.
Then it got tricky.
- Wow.
I'm sorry. Please continue.
- The point is douglas was there for us.
Did he lie?
Did he deceive? Yes.
But at the end of the day, isn't any relationship,
Romantic or otherwise, about showing up for someone
Over and over again?
About someone being there for someone when you need them most?
How many of us have ever experienced that?
Well, I have.
And I'm thankful for it.
- So please, show douglas mercy, please.
- Oh, that's-- that's beautiful.
Effed up all at the same time. That's kind of crazy.
- Mr. Riller, I sentence you to time served
For the charges of bigamy, and one month
For the charge of falsifying identity and fraud.
Additionally I sentence you
To take a course in feminism,
The college of your choice while wearing this t-shirt
To class every day.
- What? How am I gonna pick up girls?
- [bangs gavel]
[knock at door] not now, go away, bad time.
[knocking continues] I said go away.
Are you deaf?
- I punched alfonso like you said.
- Dude, I mean your timing--
Your timing is not very good.
I'm in the middle of writing a speech.
I got to go. - He's got brothers,
And cousins, and one really big,
And I mean big, big sister.
- All right, here's what you do. You call your case worker.
And then I will deal with this tomorrow, first thing.
- They said they're sending me to edgewater.
I don't even know what that is.
- Edgewater? - Yeah.
- No. Edgewater's aw--
Edgewater is for super, super violent kids.
They will eat you alive.
- You told me to hit him. - I know. I know I did, okay?
It's my fault. I'm gonna fix it.
I'm gonna fix it.
- I'll stay at your place. - No, no, you won't.
Nobody lives with me. I mean, I don't keep anything--
I killed a cactus.
- All I need is a warm garage
And a cold pizza. - [sighs]
Come on, I got to go. Let's go.
Robby, honey, dude, I mean, you probably think
I'm this, you know, awesome judge
Who has it all together. - Nope.
I think you're a mess.
But you owe me one.
- Oh, what I owe you, sir, by law,
Is a suitable environment for the next 58 days
I am not a suitable anything, okay?
I'm a workaholic freakshow.
I eat crap all day, I drink until I drop, you know?
I might binge-watch lock-up,
'cause I put half of those guys in there.
I mean, sometimes I have to tie a rope
From my ankle to the bed
'cause I don't even know what I do at night.
- So you get to keep wrecking my life?
First, you put my parents away,
Then you got me kicked out of a halfway decent group home,
And now I have to go live with violent guys?
Come on, judge.
Can't you just put me back the way you found me?
- [knocking]
- Let's just stick to the protocol
That we talked about, and yeah,
See you next week. - I need a favor.
- One second. - Yeah, yeah.
- Don't thank me, man.
Healing is a team sport.
- Okay, I don't have time to watch you pretend
To be on the phone with patients.
- Yeah, well, you didn't exactly crawl here,
But you're here. Oh, and you brought a date.
You know, you're really taking this whole cougar thing
To the next level.
- All right, robby shoemaker, dr. Gary boyd.
I need a letter from an expert in the field
Stating that robby is not a violent child,
But that he was acting in self-defense against a bully
So that he can stay in his current group home,
And not get transferred to edgewater.
- Ooh, edgewater? Yikes.
- 58 days, man. It's the home stretch.
- Do you think you can keep your hands to yourself for that long?
- In my sleep. I'm not like the judge over here.
You know what I'm saying? - Right, let's go. We're late.
- Good. - Thank you.
The exhilarating and terrifying truth is that
Nothing adequately prepares you for how it feels
To uphold the law.
Is there a chance that you will be
Swallowed whole by your job?
Yes. Absolutely.
Before you know it, you'll be using
The nearest teaspoon as your makeup mirror,
Or to adjust the knot in your tie.
And it's gonna freak you out at first, by the way,
Because no one tells you that you appear upside down
In a spoon, but you do.
And it's an excellent reminder
Because the very spirit of the law
Is about making things right side up
And doing whatever you can to keep it that way.
[applause]
- Oh, what's up? There's my man.
- Hey, what are you-- no, he can't be in here.
He underaged.
- Here's my I.D.
- Oh, where did you get your medical degree, dr. Lee trang?
You know mary harmon from child services?
- You got him in a bar, rebecca? At 10:00 p.M.?
- I thought it was 9:30.
- And this will keep robby out of edgewater permanently.
- Nice. Drinks on the house, everyone.
The judge is buying. - What?
No, I'm not buying.
I'm not buying drinks. I'm very cheap.
All right, oh, hey, hey.
Don't forget this, all right?
- Thanks for everything, judge. - You got it.
Take care of yourself, all right?
- And yeah, yeah, call me anytime.
Any time at all, robby.
Preferably during business hours.
Hey, hey, hey, judge hernandez.
That was robby shoemaker.
Yeah, I kept him off the streets,
Out of juvie, turns out.
That's what happens when you take the call.
- How can I be mad at you
After that great speech you gave tonight?
- Oh. - Truly.
In fact, I'm gonna buy you a round.
- Oh.
- Anything you like...
From the two bottom shelves.
- Bartender, hi. Can you get the mcallister 24,
Throw that on the bottom shelf, get us a round?
Make hers a double. - See, gary?
That is why you're my favorite gary.
Well, actually busey is. Gary busey's strong.
But you're second. - Busey? He's gonna beat me?
- Yes. Thank you for the letter.
- You're welcome.
[the donnas' dancing with myself plays]
- This song. I love this song.
- Oh! Give her some room. Give her a wide berth, guys.
You might want to give her some personal space.
- You're embarrassing yourself. - Oh!
- [scatting] - judge, you gotta stop that.
- All right.
Actually, I kind of hurt my neck.
[laughter] all right.
Anyway. Here's to us.
- Yeah! - Hey!
- ¶ dancing with myself ¶
¶ oh oh oh ¶
¶ dancing with myself ¶
¶ oh oh oh ¶
¶ dancing with myself ¶