Bad Education (2012–…): Season 4, Episode 6 - School Play - full transcript
Stephen wants to turn the school play into a showcase for his talents to impress an agent, but Hoburn has more sinister plans to use it as a way of closing the school down.
Where IS she?
She's a superagent. A legend.
Yeah, but do you think she gets
invited to a lot of school plays?
How do you think they found Daniel
Radcliffe, Emma Watson, La Lohan?
The difference is they were kids.
You're literally a grown-arse man.
Yeah. This school play is
being colonised by a teacher.
You've turned it into an audition.
Oh, haters!
This is why I don't explain myself
to civilians.
This is not an audition,
it's a showcase.
The poster is
just a picture of you.
There's literally a picture of every
single one of you on that poster.
It don't look like a play.
It looks like you've died and we've
just done a fun run to remember you.
I'm sick of these low-rent gigs!
I need a new agent!
Warren did his best for you, sir.
Warren got me reading at a church,
hmm?
To be fair, they paid cash.
That was the collection plate.
GASPS SHARPLY
She's here!
She actually came!
Um, don't sound so surprised.
I am manifesting good things!
Oh! I'm gonna give the children live
tonight!
Um, where's Blessing?
Oh, she's with Mitchell
coming back from football.
They got merked 27-0.
OK. I don't want any drama,
so, Warren, find Blessing.
You lot - costume.
Enjoy.
Er, kids don't go free.
Thank you. Lovely.
There you are.
Sir?
Keep smiling
in case they're watching us,
cos this is Pizzagate
with some 5G stuffed crust.
That school that was playing us at
football - half of them are ex-pros.
I KNEW I recognised that keeper
off Match Of The Day.
That school don't even exist!
Hoburn said
her mate was a teacher there.
I should've smelt a rat,
she ain't got mates.
So who's this lot, then?
She made them watch the football
with her too.
They're the school governors.
That's the Bishop of Tring.
And there's our local MP.
I am so sorry you had to witness
that atrocity, Minister. 27-0!
Bernadette, if there's
one thing I know about,
it's fickle mistresses,
and football is one of them.
Oh, no, please,
don't make excuses for me.
I accept full responsibility
for our defeat.
That woman wouldn't cop to a fart.
What's she up to?
As a retail tzar, I'll always
fight on to the bitter end,
but I know...
I know I'm on very thin ice.
Don't be put off by one set
of cataclysmic exam results.
I've spoken to the governors.
They won't fire you.
I suppose I have delivered some
truly revolutionary innovations.
Well, thanks to my work
with big dairy
back when I was slashing
the size of Toblerones,
I've been able to abolish
maternity leave at Abbey Grove,
all for the price of
an industrial milking pump
and half-a-dozen stools.
Plus the severance package you
negotiated's financially crippling.
The governors literally can't
fire you.
If they had to pay you off,
they'd bankrupt Abbey Grove.
HE SNIGGERS
Yes, you're right. I suppose this
play would need to be a bloodbath
to close Abbey Grove,
and pay me off, of course.
THEY CHUCKLE
SCHOOL MUSICIANS PRACTISE
Where's Stephen?
In the changing rooms. Which one?
I don't know. There's only two.
Oh, my days! Get back, fam!
I can't breathe!
Oh, my God!
Stephen, Hoburn fixed the match.
She's got her eyes
on a big, fat package.
Oh, Mitchell!
A severance package!
Get your mind out the gutter.
Look, Hoburn wants to get fired.
If the governors pay her off,
then they'll bankrupt the school.
We can say goodbye to Abbey Grove.
AMERICAN ACCENT: OK, but... um,
have you heard of knocking?
What's with the accent?
I'm playing Meghan Markle tonight.
So, um, I'm staying in character.
You're what?
You're not listening to me.
Hoburn wants this to tank.
Then, why did she literally beg me
to write an iconic
and iconoclastic tribute
to Great Britons?
She knows your Great Britons
will go down like a cup of cold sick
with the governors.
Er, rude... and wrong.
I had to do...
Ah! I had to do lots of
historical research.
I watched The King's Speech -
on two times speed.
Oh, about the king with the stutter?
Was it? He sounded cute to me.
Mate, them governors are so old,
they look like they spunk dust.
They are going to hate this.
That's why I'm serving
British family values
with Snow BoJo
and his seven official children.
Knees up, two, three, four! Jesus.
Where's the energy?
♪ Micro-wah-vay!
Micro-wah-vay! ♪
Nigella, you're flat. It's...
TUNEFULLY: ♪ ..micro-wah-vay! ♪
Hmph. Who are you supposed to be?
Oh, Naomi Campbell. She's singing
a song about loving yourself,
no matter what society says.
It's called Blood Diamonds
Are A Girl's Best Friend.
Sir, sir!
I found our Edward Colston.
He was hanging round
the shopping centre.
I know you wanted a kid but no-one
in the class wanted to get wet.
Can it swim?
Dunno. He hasn't said a word,
although I was actually thinking
it may be even better
if he CAN'T swim... for the show.
Er, not so much for him.
Yeah, um... move it along.
Ooh, blimey! Oh, you're joking.
Oi-oi! This is Drill Captain Tom!
BEAT-BOXING
RAPS: ♪ I step on that road
real slow
♪ But I make bare what for the doc,
ha! ♪
Hey! Woo!
♪ You don't need the lizzies
♪ But man's flaming got
administrative course! ♪
CHEERING
So good!
Well, at least you got
the NHS flag, I suppose.
The governors love
that patriotic stuff.
Er, the NHS stole that flag.
It belongs to the gays.
Ask Sir which iconic British queer
celeb we're celebrating tonight.
I can't help being an inspiration,
hmm?
OK! Right, everyone,
five-minute call!
Stephen, hold on.
That football match
won't be the biggest thing
that I lose today.
Abbey Grove is the only place
where I don't feel like
a total muppet all the time.
I love it here,
and I really like you lot!
Look, I'm glad you're happy here
and you wanna stay
but we have a sacred duty
to our audiences.
Sir basically means
he's invited an agent.
Right, I'm pulling the fire alarm.
No! Wait, stop! Look...
There's a way through this
but you have to trust me.
Huhee!
Hail, Elaine Paige, full of grace,
Lord Lloyd Webber is with thee.
Protect us from Usma's flat feet...
Ugh! Rude!
Ugh! Tech team! Turn your torches
off. We are not down a mine!
And Mr Carmichael should not be
holding hands with you.
He should be holding hands
with the talent.
Uh, Warren! I am not like that.
MOUTHS, KNOCKING AT DOOR
Is now a good time
for your pre-show dinner?
My Scotch Revels.
I've combined the the-atre
of a Scotch egg
with the whimsy of a Revel.
Sounds lovely.
Each egg contains
a mystery filling -
an olive, a grape,
pommes frites, baba ghanoush
and, in a meta twist, actual Revels.
It's like meat roulette.
What is that?
That is a devilled prune.
It contains
a terrifying amount of roughage.
It's like a depth charge
in the large intestine.
Focus! Y'all know Hoburn's plan.
She wants us to crash out
so she can cash out.
Do we want her to win? ALL: No.
I says, do we want her to win?!
ALL: No!
Good. That's why I have made
the painful decision
to perform the lead
in all of the songs tonight.
THEY ALL GASP - What?
I'm sorry but it's the only way
we're guaranteed to slay.
Sir! I'm not being dramatic, but
if you take my song away from me,
I'm going to get you tried
for crimes against humanity.
And if that judge acquits you,
I'm going to shoot you
on the courthouse steps.
Yep. As a stage fright survivor,
I find this deeply triggering.
Jinx!
Some people's parents bought
tickets for tonight.
You want them to have a good time,
do you not?
Bought tickets. Aren't they free?
But if we don't want to offend
the governors,
surely it's better to change
the problematic songs
rather than who sings them.
Bad ideas done well
don't hurt people.
Look at Lin-Manuel.
And McBusted.
The guy who invented the Segway...
..until it killed him. RIP.
We dedicate our first act to
British legends that we have lost,
starting with our tribute
to Sir Winston Churchill.
Er... rip.
It's RIP!
♪ Winston!
♪ Yeah!
♪ Smoking big cigars
and drinking brandy
♪ Washing down my lunch
with Pol Roger
♪ Quit snarlings, darling!
♪ Make way, Mahatma Gandhi
♪ Cos with my hat, my suit,
my shoes, my socks
♪ Meow! I came to slay!
♪ Blasting all the Nazis like a hero
♪ Looking Churchillicious
all the while
♪ You always vote me the best
You quote me, oh, yes!
♪ We'll win in Winston... ♪
JAZZ RHYTHM ON CYMBALS
♪ ..style! Ooh, yeah! ♪
Oi, she's making it worse.
We've got to do something.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
BOTH: Meat roulette!
MUSIC DRAWS TO AN END
SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE
LOW CHATTER
Hello, young drummer.
Here, you need to replenish
your energy.
MUSIC STARTS
♪ Angie
♪ Yes, Tiff, honey
♪ Angie, are you crying?
Oh, you noticed that!
♪ Are you OK?
♪ Not really
♪ Are you OK?
♪ I have a secret
and I'm not sure I can say
♪ Just say
OK, but... you can't tell anyone
♪ I won't
♪ Not Scotty T or Gemma Collins
and not even Darren Day
♪ OK
♪ Then, I'll say...
♪ David's dead!
♪ Aah!
♪ No, he's not! Yes, he is
♪ Oh, my God, everybody!
What? David's dead!
♪ What? David's dead!
I've got to see the body... ♪
ALL: ♪ David's dead, David's dead
David...
♪ No, he's not He's right here!
♪ No, not that David! ♪
ALL: What?
♪ Not the egg-shaped music producer
David Gest... ♪
ALL: ♪ Then, which David?
♪ My David! ♪
SEGUES INTO ROCK MUSIC
♪ This is the story of
the song that changed my life
♪ There was a time
when this heart of mine
♪ Well, it couldn't keep a rhythm
with my two left feet
♪ When my soul came alive in 1965
♪ I heard a new sound
and my heart skipped a beat
♪ It came from the radio
in my dad's car
♪ The music that would take
this little boy so far
♪ It was the sound of the rhythm
of electric guitar!
♪ Rah! ♪
STRUGGLES WITH ELECTRIC GUITAR SOLO
Warren, come on!
Rah! Ha-ha!
Argh!
MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY, CROWD GASPS
Ugh... oh...
STOMACH GURGLES
Sir, get up, you can do it.
OK, this needs to stop.
Huh? No, no, no, no, no!
♪ The show much go on! ♪
I'm gonna call an ambulance.
You and your sister...
just sit down.
Are you seeing double?
Huh? It's fine! It's,
it's nearly... hit the floor...!
HE CRIES HYSTERICALLY
Oh, my God, I feel like a swan!
I'm totally calm and regal
on the surface,
but below the waterline
I am frantic!
Ah, careful, argh!
This is a nightmare!
There's a superagent out there,
and she's not gonna see my Markle.
Why won't you stop talking
about this agent?
Is that the only thing
you care about?
All right!
I want to get signed, OK?
I want to do something with my life.
What about us, you prick?
She's gonna destroy Abbey Grove.
I'm sorry, but look at my injury.
The show is over.
Bollocks. In case you ain't noticed,
this lot have been smashing it.
They just had the crowd
on their feet.
Guys, just keep doing
what you're doing
and we might just get
the governors onside. It's true.
One of you's gonna be
the next Daniel Kaluuya,
and I'll still be here.
You won't even remember me.
Sir, we can't forget you.
You made us pinkie promise that
any future acceptance speeches
we have to mention you by
your full name and Instagram handle.
Seriously? That's not the only
reason we won't forget you.
I've never felt at home
at any school I've been to,
and sometimes it's hard
getting out of bed in the morning,
and not just because
I like a heavy toggage.
You guys don't just make life
bearable,
you make life fun.
No offence, but you guys are
the best thing about this place.
Maybe we... got a little wrapped up
in the moment. We?
The royal "we".
I'm sorry... Genuinely.
I'm so proud of all of you.
It's too late. Mr Carmichael made
the second act all about him.
No-one else can play Meghan Markle.
Correct. No-one else has my range.
I'm glad somebody else said it.
Out of all of us,
Jinx has the best voice.
Yeah. She's good at accents too.
She spent a weekend in Berlin
and came back sounding like
Werner Herzog.
Oh! You guys!
Danke schoen.
But she's white.
Nein, nicht, gut, guys! Come on!
Although, ultimately,
the whole human race is from Afr...
No, I'm not right for it.
Blessing?
I can't hit those high notes.
OK, look, Inchez,
you and I both know that
you have the voice of an angel.
He sings soprano
in our church choir. So?
At man's last evensong,
there was so many bundas bouncing
that you'll think man was playing
in the Bundesliga, fam!
I swear on my mum's life!
Beep! That's the sound of
your mum flat-lining, bruv!
Maybe it is too late.
And maybe it is curtains
for Abbey Grove.
But it's not about beating Hoburn!
It's about playing the game our way,
even if we go down swinging!
Guys, we are Class K!
That is what we do!
Inchez,
if we're gonna slay the house down,
we've all got to step
out of our comfort zone. Mm.
OK.
ALL: Yes!
Yes! OK. Wait, wait!
Inchez needs time to learn the part
and we need someone
to cover for him, so...
Mitchell, I know you have
the range of a North Korean missile
but... I'll keep it simple.
No chance. I'd rather shit
in my hand and clap.
Whoa! What about doing things
the Class K way, fam?
Guys, there are only two things
that school teaches ya.
One, there is nothing more overrated
than a trip to a chocolate factory.
And two, sometimes
you've just got to step up.
Ambulance.
A man just hit his head.
Look, I'm a theatrical agent.
I know what true desperation
looks like,
and Stephen Carmichael
would genuinely prefer to die
than stop the show.
Get your bananas! Banana incoming!
Carb up, teams.
OK! Act two - Living Legends.
Fraser, get the pots and pans out
of your kitchen ready for Nigella.
♪ Micro-wah-vay! ♪
Better! Yes!
Oh, Harrison, hold these.
Mitchell is singing a song
to literally the only tune
he knows off by heart.
Um, I'm going to need you to go
to the back of the hall
holding these up one by one
so we can read the words, hmm?
What's this song about, sir?
Um, Tim Berners-Lee.
Um... some sweet, odd man
who didn't want any coin
from inventing the internet.
HE SCOFFS
The governors are going to love it.
What's funny?
The idea that a human
invented the internet.
What'd he do? Do it on a computer...
without the internet?!
Harrison, Harrison! There's a...
..two-headed dork in the playground.
Poor thing must have escaped
from a nearby lab.
Maybe we need pan pipes. Or a harp.
Yes. I'll see what we've got
backstage.
Oh, look, let me hold those for you.
You'll need both hands
to carry the harp.
Yeah.
LIGHT APPLAUSE
MUSIC: Three Lions
(Football's Coming Home)
♪ Google Chrome, it's Google Chrome
Safari
♪ The internet's coming home
♪ It's coming home
It's coming home
♪ It's coming
The internet's coming home
♪ Everyone thinks it's just for porn
♪ They've seen gangbangs before
♪ They just know
♪ They're so sure
♪ But I remember
before Pammy and Tom
♪ Hulk Hogan and Paris Hilton
♪ It's not just for wanking
♪ 4Chan on the shirt! ♪
Mind the pyros!
♪ Paedos and the Clintons
♪ 30 years of hurt... ♪
Oh, my God!
♪ Never stopped Trump winning
♪ So many wokes, so many... ♪
GASPS
♪ With all those... ♪
SUDDEN EXPLOSIONS, SHRIEKS
Bloody hell!
EXPLOSIONS
OK, finale time.
Piers Morgan, Prince Andrew,
stage right - now. Shapeesh.
Good luck. Break a nail.
Inchez, come on, mate.
It's shit meat pot time.
Nah, man.
I've got bare collywobbles.
Look, Jinx, you're a stage fright
survivor, hmm? Say something?
Er, sort of, erm...
Well, basically, I used to find it
impossible to pee on my dad's boat
because the master bedroom
was right next to the toilet,
but then I was like,
"Do you know what?
"I can blame the noises
on the bilge pump."
Well, that's relatable?! Jesus.
Can I have a word in private, sir?
Mm-hm. Thank you.
Also, Inchez, even if everyone
out there thinks you've gone moist,
you'll always be my OG.
WHISPERS: Piss off.
Yes. Mm.
Right, come on, you lot, let's go.
Places, yeah?
PIANO PLAYS LAND OF HOPE AND GLORY
Tally ho.
I met the girl of my dreams tonight.
She's an American divorcee
and my family will love her.
Basically, like, the truth is,
that bishop out there -
he's my dad.
Your dad's one of the governors?
Look, I get it.
You're scared of what he'll say
if he sees you refusing to conform
to traditional definitions
of what it means to be, like,
a man in a patriarchal society.
I'm scared he's gonna stand up
and yell something horrible like...
..like,
"That's my son and I love him."
Wait, so... your problem is
you're scared that
your dad is gonna love and
accept you, no matter what you do?
Yeah.
OK.
Pack up the pity party
and get on that stage!
Here she comes now!
PIANO FLOURISH - Bye, Harry.
Oh, my gosh,
I just met the most amazing man.
He told me he's a prince.
Er... Siri, what's a prince?
AUTOMATED VOICE: Prince, noun,
the son of a king or queen,
and you can be his princess, Meghan.
♪ To be a princess
It could be such a wondrous thing
♪ To wear my prince's ring
And so
♪ The answer is yes,
I feel so happy I could sing
♪ The simple Yankee girl
who found her ginger king
♪ I hope the public see that girl
that Harry sees
♪ A kindly soul who helps out
with some charities... ♪
Not so fast!
No, Piers Morgan! Yes, it's me!
Go away! What?
♪ I've been silenced
♪ A crime
But I don't hear any sirens
♪ I've been maligned
♪ For not caving to the violence
of the woke police
♪ The cannot-take-a-joke police
♪ The Britain-hating,
free-speech-taking, vegan-baking
♪ Weaklings want my silence!
♪ But I'm an alpha
I do not do compliance,
♪ Or toe the line
♪ I won't give in to the tyrants
with their fake belief in her
♪ The head snowflake-in-chief
♪ She will pay the price, dears
No more Mr Nice Piers!
♪ To be a princess
Is not as lovely as it seems
♪ The press are awful
But it's worse behind the scenes
♪ My Harry is a cutie
But his family is a mess
♪ His uncle won't shut up about...
♪ Pizza Express!
♪ I've seen the Seven Wonders
♪ Travelled round the world
And yet
♪ That perfect night in Woking
That's a night I can't forget
♪ Woo! I'll order four seasons
I eat pizza for my tea
♪ From January 1st, I'm fit to burst
with calzone verdure
♪ So when you ask, "Where's Andrew?"
Well, it won't take long to guess
♪ You'll find His Grace
in his favourite place, it's...
♪ Pizza Express? Yes!
♪ I'm a Pinot Grigio drinker
Waiter, pop that cork
♪ Let's hope there's enough
halloumi bites
♪ For the Grand Old Duke of York
♪ And if you think I'm sweating
Well, my darling, I am not
♪ Cos Giuseppe don't get sloppy
Even when the American's hot, oi!
♪ Silenced! To be a princess...
♪ Another quattro formaggi
♪ I've been silenced!
To be a princess...
♪ And more doughballs for me!
Where's my pollo piccante?
♪ She wouldn't even shag me! ♪
Oh? What was that?
Yo, yo, yo... What's going on?
Mr Carmichael!
HUBBUB
What the...?
Out of my way! Out of my way!
Find a tech person. Tell them
I need them now. Thank...
You!
CONFUSED CHATTER
Everyone, don't panic! Do not panic!
Please take your seats.
Yeah, nothing to see, mate.
This way, this way...
Excuse me, could you tell me
what's going on, please?
Yeah, look, don't panic,
your Royal Highness.
I am a responsible adult.
DRUM FLOURISH
Pack that right in!
What are you doing?
I'm pulling the plug on
this whole dysfunctional hellmouth!
I've tried removing chairs
from the staffroom,
I've tried pay-as-you-go
toilet roll,
but I still can't balance the books!
So, I am putting this school,
and myself, out of our misery.
Just quit! You don't have to bring
the whole school down with you!
Look, if I quit,
I don't get my money!
There was a converted barn
in the Cotswolds with my name on it!
What about the kids, hmm?
They're the ones that matter.
Says Teacher of the Year?!
The man who sets essays
on how to achieve
the full dramatic potential of a -
and I quote - "butt-cleavage".
Don't... you... dare
bring Rihanna into this.
Do you not remember what it was like
being a kid at school?
I was home schooled.
That explains literally everything.
Everybody just calm down, all right?
It is all under control.
There is absolutely nothing
to worry about.
Thank God, here you are!
This is the man you're looking for.
You can keep it.
I found loads of them tucked under
the windshield wiper of my car.
If this play ends with the drama
teacher getting hospitalised,
the governors are going
to have to fire Hoburn!
Then Ladimir Putin
could be back in power!
Bitch, please!
Over here, thank you.
CONFUSED CHATTER
Is someone hurt?
HOBURN: No!
Step back, bitch,
because I will slap!
ALARMED VOICES
Ladies and gentlemen, our NHS!
SHE LEADS THE CHEERING
Yes, doctors! Yes, nurses!
Yes, gynaecologists! Them as well.
Can we get all of our governors
onstage, please,
for a photo with our NHS heroes!
Yes, Mr Harper, thank you.
Er, Minister, your excellency...
Sorry, could you shift along a bit?
You see! Why do you need a pay rise
when you've got all this?
HE CHUCKLES SUPERCILIOUSLY
Well, well, well.
I hope you'll all agree that,
despite some bumps along the way,
this play has shown us that
Abbey Grove really has got
its heart in the right place.
Three cheers for your headmistress.
Long may she reign.
Hip-hip! ALL: Hooray!
Hip-hip! ALL: Hooray!
Hip-hip! ALL: Hooray!
Wait, wait! The show's not over.
Oh, I'm here... Oh, I'm here.
Argh! Argh!
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Is the vein in his head
supposed to be throbbing like that?
Oh, shit!
INCREDULOUS GASPS
Inchez, you were fierce.
I'm not just saying it.
You were great.
You all right, Mr Harper?
One, and two...
Yeah, I'm all right.
Well done, you lot! You smashed it.
Ugh!
I want that back,
thank you very much!
Stephen...
you left your head shot in my car.
Look, I can see you're in a lot
of pain so I'll make this quick.
We're a small agency.
We're very selective,
but I would love it if...
Yes, yes!
Sorry, um, finish your sentence.
..if you would introduce me
to that man in the other wheelchair,
Mitchell Harper.
Now, he has got such a raw,
unselfconscious intensity.
Morphine!
She's a superagent. A legend.
Yeah, but do you think she gets
invited to a lot of school plays?
How do you think they found Daniel
Radcliffe, Emma Watson, La Lohan?
The difference is they were kids.
You're literally a grown-arse man.
Yeah. This school play is
being colonised by a teacher.
You've turned it into an audition.
Oh, haters!
This is why I don't explain myself
to civilians.
This is not an audition,
it's a showcase.
The poster is
just a picture of you.
There's literally a picture of every
single one of you on that poster.
It don't look like a play.
It looks like you've died and we've
just done a fun run to remember you.
I'm sick of these low-rent gigs!
I need a new agent!
Warren did his best for you, sir.
Warren got me reading at a church,
hmm?
To be fair, they paid cash.
That was the collection plate.
GASPS SHARPLY
She's here!
She actually came!
Um, don't sound so surprised.
I am manifesting good things!
Oh! I'm gonna give the children live
tonight!
Um, where's Blessing?
Oh, she's with Mitchell
coming back from football.
They got merked 27-0.
OK. I don't want any drama,
so, Warren, find Blessing.
You lot - costume.
Enjoy.
Er, kids don't go free.
Thank you. Lovely.
There you are.
Sir?
Keep smiling
in case they're watching us,
cos this is Pizzagate
with some 5G stuffed crust.
That school that was playing us at
football - half of them are ex-pros.
I KNEW I recognised that keeper
off Match Of The Day.
That school don't even exist!
Hoburn said
her mate was a teacher there.
I should've smelt a rat,
she ain't got mates.
So who's this lot, then?
She made them watch the football
with her too.
They're the school governors.
That's the Bishop of Tring.
And there's our local MP.
I am so sorry you had to witness
that atrocity, Minister. 27-0!
Bernadette, if there's
one thing I know about,
it's fickle mistresses,
and football is one of them.
Oh, no, please,
don't make excuses for me.
I accept full responsibility
for our defeat.
That woman wouldn't cop to a fart.
What's she up to?
As a retail tzar, I'll always
fight on to the bitter end,
but I know...
I know I'm on very thin ice.
Don't be put off by one set
of cataclysmic exam results.
I've spoken to the governors.
They won't fire you.
I suppose I have delivered some
truly revolutionary innovations.
Well, thanks to my work
with big dairy
back when I was slashing
the size of Toblerones,
I've been able to abolish
maternity leave at Abbey Grove,
all for the price of
an industrial milking pump
and half-a-dozen stools.
Plus the severance package you
negotiated's financially crippling.
The governors literally can't
fire you.
If they had to pay you off,
they'd bankrupt Abbey Grove.
HE SNIGGERS
Yes, you're right. I suppose this
play would need to be a bloodbath
to close Abbey Grove,
and pay me off, of course.
THEY CHUCKLE
SCHOOL MUSICIANS PRACTISE
Where's Stephen?
In the changing rooms. Which one?
I don't know. There's only two.
Oh, my days! Get back, fam!
I can't breathe!
Oh, my God!
Stephen, Hoburn fixed the match.
She's got her eyes
on a big, fat package.
Oh, Mitchell!
A severance package!
Get your mind out the gutter.
Look, Hoburn wants to get fired.
If the governors pay her off,
then they'll bankrupt the school.
We can say goodbye to Abbey Grove.
AMERICAN ACCENT: OK, but... um,
have you heard of knocking?
What's with the accent?
I'm playing Meghan Markle tonight.
So, um, I'm staying in character.
You're what?
You're not listening to me.
Hoburn wants this to tank.
Then, why did she literally beg me
to write an iconic
and iconoclastic tribute
to Great Britons?
She knows your Great Britons
will go down like a cup of cold sick
with the governors.
Er, rude... and wrong.
I had to do...
Ah! I had to do lots of
historical research.
I watched The King's Speech -
on two times speed.
Oh, about the king with the stutter?
Was it? He sounded cute to me.
Mate, them governors are so old,
they look like they spunk dust.
They are going to hate this.
That's why I'm serving
British family values
with Snow BoJo
and his seven official children.
Knees up, two, three, four! Jesus.
Where's the energy?
♪ Micro-wah-vay!
Micro-wah-vay! ♪
Nigella, you're flat. It's...
TUNEFULLY: ♪ ..micro-wah-vay! ♪
Hmph. Who are you supposed to be?
Oh, Naomi Campbell. She's singing
a song about loving yourself,
no matter what society says.
It's called Blood Diamonds
Are A Girl's Best Friend.
Sir, sir!
I found our Edward Colston.
He was hanging round
the shopping centre.
I know you wanted a kid but no-one
in the class wanted to get wet.
Can it swim?
Dunno. He hasn't said a word,
although I was actually thinking
it may be even better
if he CAN'T swim... for the show.
Er, not so much for him.
Yeah, um... move it along.
Ooh, blimey! Oh, you're joking.
Oi-oi! This is Drill Captain Tom!
BEAT-BOXING
RAPS: ♪ I step on that road
real slow
♪ But I make bare what for the doc,
ha! ♪
Hey! Woo!
♪ You don't need the lizzies
♪ But man's flaming got
administrative course! ♪
CHEERING
So good!
Well, at least you got
the NHS flag, I suppose.
The governors love
that patriotic stuff.
Er, the NHS stole that flag.
It belongs to the gays.
Ask Sir which iconic British queer
celeb we're celebrating tonight.
I can't help being an inspiration,
hmm?
OK! Right, everyone,
five-minute call!
Stephen, hold on.
That football match
won't be the biggest thing
that I lose today.
Abbey Grove is the only place
where I don't feel like
a total muppet all the time.
I love it here,
and I really like you lot!
Look, I'm glad you're happy here
and you wanna stay
but we have a sacred duty
to our audiences.
Sir basically means
he's invited an agent.
Right, I'm pulling the fire alarm.
No! Wait, stop! Look...
There's a way through this
but you have to trust me.
Huhee!
Hail, Elaine Paige, full of grace,
Lord Lloyd Webber is with thee.
Protect us from Usma's flat feet...
Ugh! Rude!
Ugh! Tech team! Turn your torches
off. We are not down a mine!
And Mr Carmichael should not be
holding hands with you.
He should be holding hands
with the talent.
Uh, Warren! I am not like that.
MOUTHS, KNOCKING AT DOOR
Is now a good time
for your pre-show dinner?
My Scotch Revels.
I've combined the the-atre
of a Scotch egg
with the whimsy of a Revel.
Sounds lovely.
Each egg contains
a mystery filling -
an olive, a grape,
pommes frites, baba ghanoush
and, in a meta twist, actual Revels.
It's like meat roulette.
What is that?
That is a devilled prune.
It contains
a terrifying amount of roughage.
It's like a depth charge
in the large intestine.
Focus! Y'all know Hoburn's plan.
She wants us to crash out
so she can cash out.
Do we want her to win? ALL: No.
I says, do we want her to win?!
ALL: No!
Good. That's why I have made
the painful decision
to perform the lead
in all of the songs tonight.
THEY ALL GASP - What?
I'm sorry but it's the only way
we're guaranteed to slay.
Sir! I'm not being dramatic, but
if you take my song away from me,
I'm going to get you tried
for crimes against humanity.
And if that judge acquits you,
I'm going to shoot you
on the courthouse steps.
Yep. As a stage fright survivor,
I find this deeply triggering.
Jinx!
Some people's parents bought
tickets for tonight.
You want them to have a good time,
do you not?
Bought tickets. Aren't they free?
But if we don't want to offend
the governors,
surely it's better to change
the problematic songs
rather than who sings them.
Bad ideas done well
don't hurt people.
Look at Lin-Manuel.
And McBusted.
The guy who invented the Segway...
..until it killed him. RIP.
We dedicate our first act to
British legends that we have lost,
starting with our tribute
to Sir Winston Churchill.
Er... rip.
It's RIP!
♪ Winston!
♪ Yeah!
♪ Smoking big cigars
and drinking brandy
♪ Washing down my lunch
with Pol Roger
♪ Quit snarlings, darling!
♪ Make way, Mahatma Gandhi
♪ Cos with my hat, my suit,
my shoes, my socks
♪ Meow! I came to slay!
♪ Blasting all the Nazis like a hero
♪ Looking Churchillicious
all the while
♪ You always vote me the best
You quote me, oh, yes!
♪ We'll win in Winston... ♪
JAZZ RHYTHM ON CYMBALS
♪ ..style! Ooh, yeah! ♪
Oi, she's making it worse.
We've got to do something.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
BOTH: Meat roulette!
MUSIC DRAWS TO AN END
SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE
LOW CHATTER
Hello, young drummer.
Here, you need to replenish
your energy.
MUSIC STARTS
♪ Angie
♪ Yes, Tiff, honey
♪ Angie, are you crying?
Oh, you noticed that!
♪ Are you OK?
♪ Not really
♪ Are you OK?
♪ I have a secret
and I'm not sure I can say
♪ Just say
OK, but... you can't tell anyone
♪ I won't
♪ Not Scotty T or Gemma Collins
and not even Darren Day
♪ OK
♪ Then, I'll say...
♪ David's dead!
♪ Aah!
♪ No, he's not! Yes, he is
♪ Oh, my God, everybody!
What? David's dead!
♪ What? David's dead!
I've got to see the body... ♪
ALL: ♪ David's dead, David's dead
David...
♪ No, he's not He's right here!
♪ No, not that David! ♪
ALL: What?
♪ Not the egg-shaped music producer
David Gest... ♪
ALL: ♪ Then, which David?
♪ My David! ♪
SEGUES INTO ROCK MUSIC
♪ This is the story of
the song that changed my life
♪ There was a time
when this heart of mine
♪ Well, it couldn't keep a rhythm
with my two left feet
♪ When my soul came alive in 1965
♪ I heard a new sound
and my heart skipped a beat
♪ It came from the radio
in my dad's car
♪ The music that would take
this little boy so far
♪ It was the sound of the rhythm
of electric guitar!
♪ Rah! ♪
STRUGGLES WITH ELECTRIC GUITAR SOLO
Warren, come on!
Rah! Ha-ha!
Argh!
MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY, CROWD GASPS
Ugh... oh...
STOMACH GURGLES
Sir, get up, you can do it.
OK, this needs to stop.
Huh? No, no, no, no, no!
♪ The show much go on! ♪
I'm gonna call an ambulance.
You and your sister...
just sit down.
Are you seeing double?
Huh? It's fine! It's,
it's nearly... hit the floor...!
HE CRIES HYSTERICALLY
Oh, my God, I feel like a swan!
I'm totally calm and regal
on the surface,
but below the waterline
I am frantic!
Ah, careful, argh!
This is a nightmare!
There's a superagent out there,
and she's not gonna see my Markle.
Why won't you stop talking
about this agent?
Is that the only thing
you care about?
All right!
I want to get signed, OK?
I want to do something with my life.
What about us, you prick?
She's gonna destroy Abbey Grove.
I'm sorry, but look at my injury.
The show is over.
Bollocks. In case you ain't noticed,
this lot have been smashing it.
They just had the crowd
on their feet.
Guys, just keep doing
what you're doing
and we might just get
the governors onside. It's true.
One of you's gonna be
the next Daniel Kaluuya,
and I'll still be here.
You won't even remember me.
Sir, we can't forget you.
You made us pinkie promise that
any future acceptance speeches
we have to mention you by
your full name and Instagram handle.
Seriously? That's not the only
reason we won't forget you.
I've never felt at home
at any school I've been to,
and sometimes it's hard
getting out of bed in the morning,
and not just because
I like a heavy toggage.
You guys don't just make life
bearable,
you make life fun.
No offence, but you guys are
the best thing about this place.
Maybe we... got a little wrapped up
in the moment. We?
The royal "we".
I'm sorry... Genuinely.
I'm so proud of all of you.
It's too late. Mr Carmichael made
the second act all about him.
No-one else can play Meghan Markle.
Correct. No-one else has my range.
I'm glad somebody else said it.
Out of all of us,
Jinx has the best voice.
Yeah. She's good at accents too.
She spent a weekend in Berlin
and came back sounding like
Werner Herzog.
Oh! You guys!
Danke schoen.
But she's white.
Nein, nicht, gut, guys! Come on!
Although, ultimately,
the whole human race is from Afr...
No, I'm not right for it.
Blessing?
I can't hit those high notes.
OK, look, Inchez,
you and I both know that
you have the voice of an angel.
He sings soprano
in our church choir. So?
At man's last evensong,
there was so many bundas bouncing
that you'll think man was playing
in the Bundesliga, fam!
I swear on my mum's life!
Beep! That's the sound of
your mum flat-lining, bruv!
Maybe it is too late.
And maybe it is curtains
for Abbey Grove.
But it's not about beating Hoburn!
It's about playing the game our way,
even if we go down swinging!
Guys, we are Class K!
That is what we do!
Inchez,
if we're gonna slay the house down,
we've all got to step
out of our comfort zone. Mm.
OK.
ALL: Yes!
Yes! OK. Wait, wait!
Inchez needs time to learn the part
and we need someone
to cover for him, so...
Mitchell, I know you have
the range of a North Korean missile
but... I'll keep it simple.
No chance. I'd rather shit
in my hand and clap.
Whoa! What about doing things
the Class K way, fam?
Guys, there are only two things
that school teaches ya.
One, there is nothing more overrated
than a trip to a chocolate factory.
And two, sometimes
you've just got to step up.
Ambulance.
A man just hit his head.
Look, I'm a theatrical agent.
I know what true desperation
looks like,
and Stephen Carmichael
would genuinely prefer to die
than stop the show.
Get your bananas! Banana incoming!
Carb up, teams.
OK! Act two - Living Legends.
Fraser, get the pots and pans out
of your kitchen ready for Nigella.
♪ Micro-wah-vay! ♪
Better! Yes!
Oh, Harrison, hold these.
Mitchell is singing a song
to literally the only tune
he knows off by heart.
Um, I'm going to need you to go
to the back of the hall
holding these up one by one
so we can read the words, hmm?
What's this song about, sir?
Um, Tim Berners-Lee.
Um... some sweet, odd man
who didn't want any coin
from inventing the internet.
HE SCOFFS
The governors are going to love it.
What's funny?
The idea that a human
invented the internet.
What'd he do? Do it on a computer...
without the internet?!
Harrison, Harrison! There's a...
..two-headed dork in the playground.
Poor thing must have escaped
from a nearby lab.
Maybe we need pan pipes. Or a harp.
Yes. I'll see what we've got
backstage.
Oh, look, let me hold those for you.
You'll need both hands
to carry the harp.
Yeah.
LIGHT APPLAUSE
MUSIC: Three Lions
(Football's Coming Home)
♪ Google Chrome, it's Google Chrome
Safari
♪ The internet's coming home
♪ It's coming home
It's coming home
♪ It's coming
The internet's coming home
♪ Everyone thinks it's just for porn
♪ They've seen gangbangs before
♪ They just know
♪ They're so sure
♪ But I remember
before Pammy and Tom
♪ Hulk Hogan and Paris Hilton
♪ It's not just for wanking
♪ 4Chan on the shirt! ♪
Mind the pyros!
♪ Paedos and the Clintons
♪ 30 years of hurt... ♪
Oh, my God!
♪ Never stopped Trump winning
♪ So many wokes, so many... ♪
GASPS
♪ With all those... ♪
SUDDEN EXPLOSIONS, SHRIEKS
Bloody hell!
EXPLOSIONS
OK, finale time.
Piers Morgan, Prince Andrew,
stage right - now. Shapeesh.
Good luck. Break a nail.
Inchez, come on, mate.
It's shit meat pot time.
Nah, man.
I've got bare collywobbles.
Look, Jinx, you're a stage fright
survivor, hmm? Say something?
Er, sort of, erm...
Well, basically, I used to find it
impossible to pee on my dad's boat
because the master bedroom
was right next to the toilet,
but then I was like,
"Do you know what?
"I can blame the noises
on the bilge pump."
Well, that's relatable?! Jesus.
Can I have a word in private, sir?
Mm-hm. Thank you.
Also, Inchez, even if everyone
out there thinks you've gone moist,
you'll always be my OG.
WHISPERS: Piss off.
Yes. Mm.
Right, come on, you lot, let's go.
Places, yeah?
PIANO PLAYS LAND OF HOPE AND GLORY
Tally ho.
I met the girl of my dreams tonight.
She's an American divorcee
and my family will love her.
Basically, like, the truth is,
that bishop out there -
he's my dad.
Your dad's one of the governors?
Look, I get it.
You're scared of what he'll say
if he sees you refusing to conform
to traditional definitions
of what it means to be, like,
a man in a patriarchal society.
I'm scared he's gonna stand up
and yell something horrible like...
..like,
"That's my son and I love him."
Wait, so... your problem is
you're scared that
your dad is gonna love and
accept you, no matter what you do?
Yeah.
OK.
Pack up the pity party
and get on that stage!
Here she comes now!
PIANO FLOURISH - Bye, Harry.
Oh, my gosh,
I just met the most amazing man.
He told me he's a prince.
Er... Siri, what's a prince?
AUTOMATED VOICE: Prince, noun,
the son of a king or queen,
and you can be his princess, Meghan.
♪ To be a princess
It could be such a wondrous thing
♪ To wear my prince's ring
And so
♪ The answer is yes,
I feel so happy I could sing
♪ The simple Yankee girl
who found her ginger king
♪ I hope the public see that girl
that Harry sees
♪ A kindly soul who helps out
with some charities... ♪
Not so fast!
No, Piers Morgan! Yes, it's me!
Go away! What?
♪ I've been silenced
♪ A crime
But I don't hear any sirens
♪ I've been maligned
♪ For not caving to the violence
of the woke police
♪ The cannot-take-a-joke police
♪ The Britain-hating,
free-speech-taking, vegan-baking
♪ Weaklings want my silence!
♪ But I'm an alpha
I do not do compliance,
♪ Or toe the line
♪ I won't give in to the tyrants
with their fake belief in her
♪ The head snowflake-in-chief
♪ She will pay the price, dears
No more Mr Nice Piers!
♪ To be a princess
Is not as lovely as it seems
♪ The press are awful
But it's worse behind the scenes
♪ My Harry is a cutie
But his family is a mess
♪ His uncle won't shut up about...
♪ Pizza Express!
♪ I've seen the Seven Wonders
♪ Travelled round the world
And yet
♪ That perfect night in Woking
That's a night I can't forget
♪ Woo! I'll order four seasons
I eat pizza for my tea
♪ From January 1st, I'm fit to burst
with calzone verdure
♪ So when you ask, "Where's Andrew?"
Well, it won't take long to guess
♪ You'll find His Grace
in his favourite place, it's...
♪ Pizza Express? Yes!
♪ I'm a Pinot Grigio drinker
Waiter, pop that cork
♪ Let's hope there's enough
halloumi bites
♪ For the Grand Old Duke of York
♪ And if you think I'm sweating
Well, my darling, I am not
♪ Cos Giuseppe don't get sloppy
Even when the American's hot, oi!
♪ Silenced! To be a princess...
♪ Another quattro formaggi
♪ I've been silenced!
To be a princess...
♪ And more doughballs for me!
Where's my pollo piccante?
♪ She wouldn't even shag me! ♪
Oh? What was that?
Yo, yo, yo... What's going on?
Mr Carmichael!
HUBBUB
What the...?
Out of my way! Out of my way!
Find a tech person. Tell them
I need them now. Thank...
You!
CONFUSED CHATTER
Everyone, don't panic! Do not panic!
Please take your seats.
Yeah, nothing to see, mate.
This way, this way...
Excuse me, could you tell me
what's going on, please?
Yeah, look, don't panic,
your Royal Highness.
I am a responsible adult.
DRUM FLOURISH
Pack that right in!
What are you doing?
I'm pulling the plug on
this whole dysfunctional hellmouth!
I've tried removing chairs
from the staffroom,
I've tried pay-as-you-go
toilet roll,
but I still can't balance the books!
So, I am putting this school,
and myself, out of our misery.
Just quit! You don't have to bring
the whole school down with you!
Look, if I quit,
I don't get my money!
There was a converted barn
in the Cotswolds with my name on it!
What about the kids, hmm?
They're the ones that matter.
Says Teacher of the Year?!
The man who sets essays
on how to achieve
the full dramatic potential of a -
and I quote - "butt-cleavage".
Don't... you... dare
bring Rihanna into this.
Do you not remember what it was like
being a kid at school?
I was home schooled.
That explains literally everything.
Everybody just calm down, all right?
It is all under control.
There is absolutely nothing
to worry about.
Thank God, here you are!
This is the man you're looking for.
You can keep it.
I found loads of them tucked under
the windshield wiper of my car.
If this play ends with the drama
teacher getting hospitalised,
the governors are going
to have to fire Hoburn!
Then Ladimir Putin
could be back in power!
Bitch, please!
Over here, thank you.
CONFUSED CHATTER
Is someone hurt?
HOBURN: No!
Step back, bitch,
because I will slap!
ALARMED VOICES
Ladies and gentlemen, our NHS!
SHE LEADS THE CHEERING
Yes, doctors! Yes, nurses!
Yes, gynaecologists! Them as well.
Can we get all of our governors
onstage, please,
for a photo with our NHS heroes!
Yes, Mr Harper, thank you.
Er, Minister, your excellency...
Sorry, could you shift along a bit?
You see! Why do you need a pay rise
when you've got all this?
HE CHUCKLES SUPERCILIOUSLY
Well, well, well.
I hope you'll all agree that,
despite some bumps along the way,
this play has shown us that
Abbey Grove really has got
its heart in the right place.
Three cheers for your headmistress.
Long may she reign.
Hip-hip! ALL: Hooray!
Hip-hip! ALL: Hooray!
Hip-hip! ALL: Hooray!
Wait, wait! The show's not over.
Oh, I'm here... Oh, I'm here.
Argh! Argh!
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Is the vein in his head
supposed to be throbbing like that?
Oh, shit!
INCREDULOUS GASPS
Inchez, you were fierce.
I'm not just saying it.
You were great.
You all right, Mr Harper?
One, and two...
Yeah, I'm all right.
Well done, you lot! You smashed it.
Ugh!
I want that back,
thank you very much!
Stephen...
you left your head shot in my car.
Look, I can see you're in a lot
of pain so I'll make this quick.
We're a small agency.
We're very selective,
but I would love it if...
Yes, yes!
Sorry, um, finish your sentence.
..if you would introduce me
to that man in the other wheelchair,
Mitchell Harper.
Now, he has got such a raw,
unselfconscious intensity.
Morphine!