Bad Education (2012–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - The Prom - full transcript
Term is due to end and, with all his pupils leaving, Alfie feels unable to carry on without them so he quits. He gets a job in a DIY store but tells everybody he is working for a computer games company. However Miss Gulliver discovers his secret and persuades him to attend the end of term prom, where all the students express their appreciation of him. When the new term starts he is back to teach another class.
It's weird. When I first
saw this uniform, I wept.
Hashtag, too blessed to
be badly dressed.
Do you know what?
I'm actually going to miss it.
Where did you get a shredder?
Fraser's office.
What did you do on your last
day of school, sir?
You know, I don't actually remember.
You don't remember Boris Johnson
bumming you with the handle
of your Quidditch broom?
Ah, Cleopatra. Who am I going to have
next year to make wisecracks
about me getting sodomised
at a fictional boarding school?
Oh, don't be down, sir.
I'm not, Chantelle.
We've got plenty of things to look
forward to until the term ends
and you all leave me forever.
Like the last-ever class wars.
Exactly, Joe! It's going to be
the best one yet -
Zombie Apocalypse.
Ooh!
I've even sorted out an actual
zombie to attack the class. How?
Told the librarian that we had
a few overdue books in here.
Then I stole her insulin.
Urgh!
And we're not all leaving, sir.
Jing'll be here next year.
Yeah, me and Jing.
Whoo!
We can still see each other, sir.
I mean, YOU still see YOUR teachers.
Yeah, course I do.
This isn't the end.
No-one splits up this gang.
Who wants to be blood brothers?
A bit much, sir.
Sorry. It's just that we're
all such good friends.
Alfie! Frank!
Get off him!
Argh!
Oh, look. There you are.
Alfie, why have your class
destroyed their uniforms?
There's, like, a week left of term.
I couldn't say no to them.
Well, you know they're
late for their career seminar?
Just saying our goodbyes.
Quick hug from teach.
Everyone gets a spoon.
Me next! Not you!
Last week, you sat
a state-of-the-art,
three-dimensional aptitude test,
to ascertain what career
suited your unique skill set.
Your answers were fed into a revolutionary
new data-mining computer programme,
the most advanced careers-predicting
technology on the planet.
Let's see the results.
Stephen, you are destined
to become...
An archaeologist.
An archaeologist.
An archaeologist.
Computers don't lie, Chantelle.
The emotionally-crippled spinsters
I'm automatically paired with
on Guardian Soulmates
redefine harsh but fair.
An archaeologist.
An archaeologist.
An archaeologist.
An archaeologist.
A stuntman.
Right, well, he's not going
to be a stuntman.
A stuntman. A stuntman.
A stuntman. A stuntman.
Er, it's a glitch.
I'm sure you're going
to turn out to be...
A male escort.
Guys, guys, class selfie!
Everyone in.
Give it!
Delete. Delete.
Delete.
Ooh, work.
I look cute in that one.
OK, I'll send it to you all
if you just give me your numbers.
Do you want my Snapchat deets?
100% definitely not.
Don't worry, I'll make a slide show.
Sir, do you want to
be my date to the prom?
Or are you back with her?
Er, we're taking things slowly.
Office romances never work.
It's a Cosmo no-no.
Maybe you're right.
I know we're meant for each other,
but working together at school...
Sometimes it feels like she's
just embarrassed by me.
Never let anyone make you hide
who you really are, sir.
That's why Stephen Carmichael
is not going to the prom. What?
Hashtag, sorry not sorry.
Howevs, he gave his wristband
to Stephanie Fierce! Yes!
It's his female alter ego.
Ain't you worried people
are going to pick on ya?
Haters gonna hate.
Haters gonna be drunk, lairy,
and technically no longer at school.
They could be real dicks
about it, Stephen.
Sir, um, I've applied for a creative
writing course in Paris.
What?
I want to be a writer and Tring
isn't the most inspiring place.
But you can't all leave.
Then I'll be on my own.
Grow a pair, yeah?
I know, Cleo, I'm sorry.
I just can't deal with this
emotional shit.
I'm posh.
Where I come from, feelings are
meant to be buried.
Or taken out years later
on a horsey, secret-drinker wife
that my mother made me marry
for her child-bearing hips.
But you'll have a whole new class
next year, Alfie.
I don't want a new class.
I want you guys.
You're my kids.
Right, who's next in
the careers hot seat?
Dad, I need a new job.
I can't cope without my kids.
Right, how are you with ruins?
Handy with a trowel?
Happy smuggling monuments
out of Greece?
Dad, I'm not being an archaeologist.
Listen, losing your first
class can be devastating,
but each new year brings
a fresh start.
Thanks, Dad. That's good advice.
And look on the bright side,
I mean, parents get stuck
with their kids for life.
Less strong.
Is this about Rosie?
Let me tell you a pertinent yarn.
In the '70s, two students met on
summer jobs in the London Dungeons.
They fell in love,
but the dream turned to a nightmare
when I found that
I couldn't work under the spell
of your mother's
voracious sexual appetite. Oh, God!
Fortunately we were fired
when a visiting headmaster
reported sightings
of a partially disrobed
Mary, Queen of Scots
fellating Jack the Ripper
through the letter box of
10 Rillington Place.
Right.
Well, that is the single most
harrowing 30 seconds of my life.
Fraser...
Why?
I hid in the leavers' photos!
But they're individual portraits.
Look, Fraser, if you promise
not to go crazy,
then we can have a grown-up
discussion...
about my P45.
But WHY?!
Alfie, I've just spoken to Martin.
You can't leave Abbey Grove.
You're a great teacher.
But I want to be
a great boyfriend, Rosie.
You gave me a second chance,
I'm not going to throw that away.
Hi, Rosie. I punched my reflection.
Alfred, I've had a quiet think
about your moment of madness
and I'm willing to forgive you if
you agree to stay on at Abbey Grove.
Goodbye, guys.
I see.
Would you excuse me?
Oh, God, you traitor!
Alfie, what will you do?
Rosie, I'm a young, self-motivated,
highly-qualified professional.
Trust me. I'm going to be beating off
the job offers with a shitty stick.
She says, "I think it's MDF."
And I'm like, "What are you
going on about?"
"You're going to need some primer."
And she says, "I think I need some
paint." I'm like, "No, you don't.
"You need primer, you stupid tart."
Silly bint!
Yeah, what a dumb bitch.
Here's one you lads'll like.
This geezer asks me
for the strength of a torch...
in candles!
Really thought that would illicit
more of a titter.
Staff call,
spillage in the bathroom section.
Oh, that poor old dear thought
one of the display toilets was real!
Who's the unlucky bastard
that gets to clean that up?
Yeah, it's me, isn't it?
I'm the unlucky bastard.
By the way, let me know if you're
up for a few jars after work.
Pencil you in as maybes.
Oh, my God,
the lads I work with are amazing.
Already planning a boys'
weekend in Marbs.
And to think I became a teacher
because I struggle to form lasting
friendships with people my own age.
Sorry, let me just go back a few
steps. You're working in a...?
PlayStation game testing factory.
What kind of stuff do you do?
Well, I shouldn't really
be telling you this
but we are developing a new button -
the hexagon!
Wow!
Wait... But enough about me,
what about you guys?
Stephen, you got a date yet?
None of the boys here
can handle a real woman.
You've got to come to the prom, sir.
I can't. I don't work here anymore.
You're damn right!
Hello, Judas! I thought you'd
be hanging from a tree by now.
What's it like at the PlayStation
factory? No, Fraser. Stay strong.
I blocked you on Facebook.
I think it's for the best.
Fraser, we weren't lovers.
Didn't want you getting
Facebook envy of me
and my new best friend, Mr Heather.
This guy's banter is off the chain.
Do I have to wear this shirt?
I'm getting a rash.
Me and my homeslice going to
smoke bare sticky icky hand bongs
in these bad boys.
I can't smoke, I'm asthmatic.
Ooh, Kareem Abdul-Banter! Just
slam dunked another basket, lol.
I miss you every day.
Damn it, Fraser.
Well, as you're no longer
a member of staff
I must ask you to ALF Wiedersehen.
Bothered?
We have Subway for lunch
every day at PlayStation HQ.
The land of milk and honey.
Will you think about
coming to prom, Alfie?
Look, Joe, maybe it's best
if we all move on.
Are you crying?
Hold your tongue, Phil.
Hey, guys! Did anyone order
a maverick teacher
that's more like your best mate?
Coming right up.
Ooh, ooh, Christmas
crackers... in June! Come on!
It'll be a laugh.
Hey! Hey, Frank. Did I ever tell
you about my embarrassing tattoo?
Bit of ammunition there.
Go on, have a swing.
Sorry, Miss, it's just not the same.
You got too much self esteem.
Turns out I need that bumbling,
toffee-nosed wank stain
like day needs night.
Frank, that's so poetic.
I miss Mr Wickers too.
He's literally my Yang.
Guys, come on! Cheer up!
Oi, Sound Of Music, just put
on a DVD and leave it, yeah?
What about class wars?
Keep talking.
Yeah, like one big, end-of-term,
final battle extravaganza.
Would Alfie mind us
doing it without him?
Babes, it's what
he would have wanted.
Yeah, yeah!
Now we're cooking with gas!
Yeah! How about the battle
for women's rights in the workplace?
Yeah!
OK, everyone on the left,
you can be, like...
young, independent women, and on the
right you can be the establishment.
Boo!
I don't think I'm very good at this
irresponsible teacher thing.
Yo, Miss G!
Here's the shopping list.
So much for equality
in the workplace.
We're going to need BBQs,
fairy lights and Chinese lanterns.
What are you wearing? My DJ clobber.
Swedish House of Fraser.
I'm spinning tunes at the prom
tonight. Any requests?
Any requests except the request
that I don't DJ this evening?
Decking.
Claw hammer.
Cable ties.
Lime.
Oh, God!
Why don't these tills come
with a panic button?
Oh, sorry, do you mind if
I get this? It's my girlfriend.
Women! Can't live with 'em.
OK. Bye!
How's the PlayStation factory?
Great!
The PS4 gang will be the death of me.
Old Billy, Joel, Ringo and...
...Sink.
Well, glad you're happy.
How are my kids? Have they
forgotten about me already?
You're all they talk about.
Oh, you've got to come
to the prom, Alf.
I'm in DIY Home Stores getting
decorations now.
You're in DIY Home Stores? Mm-hmm.
Um, you should leave, er, right now.
Why?
Because, erm, I heard that, er,
they use sweatshops. Yeah.
All their garden furniture
is made by children.
So you should get out of there
before you have kids' blood
on your hands.
Alfie?
Hey!
Surprise!
What are you doing?
Er, just, er... Just trying out
this bath. Very spacious.
Why are you wearing that apron?
You mean, er, this old friend?
I've always had this.
All right. Busted!
I'm actually trying to blag
a staff discount, so ssh!
Oh! Hence...
Right, it just... It looks like you
could, sort of, maybe, work here.
What, me? Work here?
Don't be ridiculous.
Oi, Dickers.
Fella over there said you just
walked away and stopped serving him.
Sorry, mate. I think you might
have me mistaken for somebody else.
Nah, definitely you who served him.
He said it was a posh twat
who looked like a chubby ostrich
with a plum stuck up his arse.
Wow!
You all right, Miss? Mm.
Still would.
Thank you, Dean. Charming as ever.
And nice to see that DIY Home Stores
stock a wide variety
of massive spanners.
Yeah, you love it!
Sorry, you know Dean?
Dean Grayson. He's Grayson's
brother. I taught him years ago.
And suddenly everything makes sense.
Why didn't you tell me the truth?
I was going to apply
to other schools,
but I knew it would just be the same
heartbreak at the end of it.
Whatever you do,
whatever your job is,
I don't care.
And I don't care because...
Please, just come back
to Abbey Grove.
I can't.
Anyway, I love my job here.
Alfie Wickers, Alfie Wickers,
Code Brown in bathroomware.
Doris!
I've got to go. Why?
A geriatric lady thinks she's
about to soil a display toilet.
Not on my watch!
Hello, is that the manager?
Yes, I'd like to report an employee
of yours. An Alfie Wickers.
What did he do?
What did he do, indeed!
He fingered me in a summerhouse.
Hello? Oh, for fu...
Hi, Fraser.
Can I have your permission to take
Form K on a fieldtrip?
Do what you want!
God, I am drinking these Kalibers
like there's no tomorrow.
I'm the world's first
no-alcohol alcoholic.
I'm basically just addicted
to yeast.
Right, I'll leave you
with that thought.
Your move, Brown Baron.
Dean, if you're going to show me your
balls in a paint tray again...
Guys! Rosie? What are you...?
We came for you, sir,
and we're not leaving without you.
I didn't want you to see me
like this.
Sir, we know you don't want to
teach at Abbey Grove anymore,
but you've got to come to the prom.
I just dunno if I can handle it,
Chantelle.
But, Alfie, listen to what
your class are telling you.
Look, I appreciate you
coming down here.
Seeing you is the first time
I've smiled in, like, a week.
But you've got to let me
move on with my life.
I'm sorry.
But, sir, you won't even get
to meet Stephanie Fierce.
Still going in drag?
Good on ya.
Who needs a date, right?
Oh, I've got a date.
I'm taking the only man strong
enough to handle Stephanie.
You look amazing! Thank you, Frank.
Um, why you come dressed as Odd Job?
Chantelle made me get a spray tan.
He's an Oompa Loompa!
Throw your hat at him, Joe.
Oh, come on, gang.
Let's raise a glass
to absent friends.
To absent friends.
What are we thinking for the
post-work session, then?
Head round my crib for a few tinnies?
Don't tell the missus.
Not that I give a shit,
cos she's a bloody woman.
Ugh. Right, why is this not stopping?
Oh, you've cut the brake wires,
haven't you? Very funny.
Guys, seriously!
Argh!
Come on, guys, huh! Hey, who
wants to spike Fraser's Kaliber?
Or we could have a dance off
and really lose our dignity.
Come on, everyone make
a circle around me. Whoo! Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah, we can still have fun. Yeah!
We can have a good time, yeah!
Er, Miss?
Alfie. You came!
So, did you quit
DIY Home Stores, sir?
Yes, I did, Frank. But don't worry,
I did it with dignity.
Doris, this has been
the battle of a lifetime
and you a worthy adversary.
But now we must unite
to destroy our common enemy.
This is Dean's motorcycle helmet.
Take it, Doris,
and do what you do best.
Drop it like it's hot, girl.
Let's get up and dance.
Oh, what do we have here?
Some total stranger's
crashed the prom.
Go on, Heather. Destroy him
with one of your quips.
Nice to see you, Alfie.
Boom! What time do you
stop serving, Heather?
Fraser, I quit my job
at DIY Home Stores.
Heather, you're fired!
I knew you'd come back to me.
Things got out of control.
I got drunk on yeast and signed us
up to the Baccalaureate
and I don't even know what that is.
Look, mate, you don't need
to fire anyone.
I'm just here for the prom.
Alfie, they're playing Buble!
Tune!
♪ It's a new dawn
It's a new day ♪
♪ It's a new life... ♪
♪ It's a new dawn ♪
♪ It's a new day ♪
♪ It's a new life ♪
♪ It's a new life for me ♪
♪ And I'm feeling... ♪
♪ Good. ♪
It gives me great please-ure
to announce the prom king
and queen of Abbey Grove 2014.
Ooh!
The votes are in and the
prom king and queen are...
Grayson and Stephanie.
I would like to thank Scherzi
for teaching me
that to be scher-mazing
on the inside...
You know, we could make this work.
Us being a couple at Abbey Grove.
But I don't want to risk it
not working.
I love you Rosie
and I love teaching,
but if I had to choose one,
I'd choose you.
But what if you don't
have to choose?
Sir, it's the last song.
Can we go say goodbye
to our classroom?
Go on! They need you.
Another beer, sir?
I better not.
Don't want to set a bad example.
I think it's a little bit
too late for that.
Go on, then.
Sir, we wanted to give you
something.
I know I've been dropping
hints all term,
but you haven't bought me
a hot tub, have you?
The best gifts aren't bought
in a shop. They're home-made.
Eh... We made you
a slide show of photos.
Oh, God! It's not like the last
slide show you made for me?
If it is, I will probably
have to destroy it.
No. It's of all of us,
here at school.
Thanks, guys. That means a lot.
Oi, what you doing?
Carving my initials, innit?
This isn't prison, babe. I know!
But I used to think school was
like prison. I've been to 12 now...
...and this is the first one
I actually kinda like.
If you like it, you could stay.
Nice try, bruv!
Sir, you know if you
stayed a teacher,
it would make it easier for us
to come and visit you?
I just don't think I can, Stephen.
But you're the best
teacher in the world, sir.
If I'm so good, then how come my
entire class are leaving after GCSEs?
I think on paper that constitutes
a pretty crap teacher.
But school's not just about the
tests and the exams and the grades.
Yeah, on paper, we've probably
had a terrible education.
Our GCSE results are going
to be rubbish.
Hey, we don't know that.
Yeah, I mean they're probably
not going to be great.
But none of that makes
you a bad teacher.
When I first came to this school,
I sort of knew who I was,
deep down, but I was scared
of being that person.
Stephanie?
No, Stephen! The boy who does
the splits in the canteen!
The one-man Glee!
I'll sing it from the rooftops.
I am Stephen Carmichael.
You made me not give
a shit about this,
even though my mum bollocked you
when you made me play a tank
in class wars.
It was the first time that
I actually thought
having a chair was boss.
Why do you think
I flirted with you, sir?
You're the first guy who actually
liked me for who I was.
The flirting was just because
I didn't know how to handle
being appreciated.
You don't realise it, Alfie,
but you're that teacher.
The one who talks to us
like we're adults.
The one who always helps us,
no matter what.
You're the teacher that makes us
feel good about ourselves
for things that other people
don't even notice.
And... that's why you're the teacher
we'll remember
for the rest of our lives.
And if you stopped being
a teacher, then...
I'd feel guilty for all the kids
who never got to be
taught by Alfie Wickers.
Thanks, Joe.
Thanks, all of you.
Got to go. Mum's here.
Bye, sir.
I never realised just how horrible
that shade of yellow was.
Thanks, sir.
Safe, yeah?
Done now.
See ya later, sir.
♪ Oh, won't you stay with me? ♪
♪ Cos you're all I need ♪
♪ This ain't love ♪
♪ It's clear to see ♪
♪ But, darling, stay with me. ♪
Bye.
Yo, Alfredo! New term, new threads.
Don't worry, this thing turns on a
sixpence. I'm coming back for ya.
Shit!
saw this uniform, I wept.
Hashtag, too blessed to
be badly dressed.
Do you know what?
I'm actually going to miss it.
Where did you get a shredder?
Fraser's office.
What did you do on your last
day of school, sir?
You know, I don't actually remember.
You don't remember Boris Johnson
bumming you with the handle
of your Quidditch broom?
Ah, Cleopatra. Who am I going to have
next year to make wisecracks
about me getting sodomised
at a fictional boarding school?
Oh, don't be down, sir.
I'm not, Chantelle.
We've got plenty of things to look
forward to until the term ends
and you all leave me forever.
Like the last-ever class wars.
Exactly, Joe! It's going to be
the best one yet -
Zombie Apocalypse.
Ooh!
I've even sorted out an actual
zombie to attack the class. How?
Told the librarian that we had
a few overdue books in here.
Then I stole her insulin.
Urgh!
And we're not all leaving, sir.
Jing'll be here next year.
Yeah, me and Jing.
Whoo!
We can still see each other, sir.
I mean, YOU still see YOUR teachers.
Yeah, course I do.
This isn't the end.
No-one splits up this gang.
Who wants to be blood brothers?
A bit much, sir.
Sorry. It's just that we're
all such good friends.
Alfie! Frank!
Get off him!
Argh!
Oh, look. There you are.
Alfie, why have your class
destroyed their uniforms?
There's, like, a week left of term.
I couldn't say no to them.
Well, you know they're
late for their career seminar?
Just saying our goodbyes.
Quick hug from teach.
Everyone gets a spoon.
Me next! Not you!
Last week, you sat
a state-of-the-art,
three-dimensional aptitude test,
to ascertain what career
suited your unique skill set.
Your answers were fed into a revolutionary
new data-mining computer programme,
the most advanced careers-predicting
technology on the planet.
Let's see the results.
Stephen, you are destined
to become...
An archaeologist.
An archaeologist.
An archaeologist.
Computers don't lie, Chantelle.
The emotionally-crippled spinsters
I'm automatically paired with
on Guardian Soulmates
redefine harsh but fair.
An archaeologist.
An archaeologist.
An archaeologist.
An archaeologist.
A stuntman.
Right, well, he's not going
to be a stuntman.
A stuntman. A stuntman.
A stuntman. A stuntman.
Er, it's a glitch.
I'm sure you're going
to turn out to be...
A male escort.
Guys, guys, class selfie!
Everyone in.
Give it!
Delete. Delete.
Delete.
Ooh, work.
I look cute in that one.
OK, I'll send it to you all
if you just give me your numbers.
Do you want my Snapchat deets?
100% definitely not.
Don't worry, I'll make a slide show.
Sir, do you want to
be my date to the prom?
Or are you back with her?
Er, we're taking things slowly.
Office romances never work.
It's a Cosmo no-no.
Maybe you're right.
I know we're meant for each other,
but working together at school...
Sometimes it feels like she's
just embarrassed by me.
Never let anyone make you hide
who you really are, sir.
That's why Stephen Carmichael
is not going to the prom. What?
Hashtag, sorry not sorry.
Howevs, he gave his wristband
to Stephanie Fierce! Yes!
It's his female alter ego.
Ain't you worried people
are going to pick on ya?
Haters gonna hate.
Haters gonna be drunk, lairy,
and technically no longer at school.
They could be real dicks
about it, Stephen.
Sir, um, I've applied for a creative
writing course in Paris.
What?
I want to be a writer and Tring
isn't the most inspiring place.
But you can't all leave.
Then I'll be on my own.
Grow a pair, yeah?
I know, Cleo, I'm sorry.
I just can't deal with this
emotional shit.
I'm posh.
Where I come from, feelings are
meant to be buried.
Or taken out years later
on a horsey, secret-drinker wife
that my mother made me marry
for her child-bearing hips.
But you'll have a whole new class
next year, Alfie.
I don't want a new class.
I want you guys.
You're my kids.
Right, who's next in
the careers hot seat?
Dad, I need a new job.
I can't cope without my kids.
Right, how are you with ruins?
Handy with a trowel?
Happy smuggling monuments
out of Greece?
Dad, I'm not being an archaeologist.
Listen, losing your first
class can be devastating,
but each new year brings
a fresh start.
Thanks, Dad. That's good advice.
And look on the bright side,
I mean, parents get stuck
with their kids for life.
Less strong.
Is this about Rosie?
Let me tell you a pertinent yarn.
In the '70s, two students met on
summer jobs in the London Dungeons.
They fell in love,
but the dream turned to a nightmare
when I found that
I couldn't work under the spell
of your mother's
voracious sexual appetite. Oh, God!
Fortunately we were fired
when a visiting headmaster
reported sightings
of a partially disrobed
Mary, Queen of Scots
fellating Jack the Ripper
through the letter box of
10 Rillington Place.
Right.
Well, that is the single most
harrowing 30 seconds of my life.
Fraser...
Why?
I hid in the leavers' photos!
But they're individual portraits.
Look, Fraser, if you promise
not to go crazy,
then we can have a grown-up
discussion...
about my P45.
But WHY?!
Alfie, I've just spoken to Martin.
You can't leave Abbey Grove.
You're a great teacher.
But I want to be
a great boyfriend, Rosie.
You gave me a second chance,
I'm not going to throw that away.
Hi, Rosie. I punched my reflection.
Alfred, I've had a quiet think
about your moment of madness
and I'm willing to forgive you if
you agree to stay on at Abbey Grove.
Goodbye, guys.
I see.
Would you excuse me?
Oh, God, you traitor!
Alfie, what will you do?
Rosie, I'm a young, self-motivated,
highly-qualified professional.
Trust me. I'm going to be beating off
the job offers with a shitty stick.
She says, "I think it's MDF."
And I'm like, "What are you
going on about?"
"You're going to need some primer."
And she says, "I think I need some
paint." I'm like, "No, you don't.
"You need primer, you stupid tart."
Silly bint!
Yeah, what a dumb bitch.
Here's one you lads'll like.
This geezer asks me
for the strength of a torch...
in candles!
Really thought that would illicit
more of a titter.
Staff call,
spillage in the bathroom section.
Oh, that poor old dear thought
one of the display toilets was real!
Who's the unlucky bastard
that gets to clean that up?
Yeah, it's me, isn't it?
I'm the unlucky bastard.
By the way, let me know if you're
up for a few jars after work.
Pencil you in as maybes.
Oh, my God,
the lads I work with are amazing.
Already planning a boys'
weekend in Marbs.
And to think I became a teacher
because I struggle to form lasting
friendships with people my own age.
Sorry, let me just go back a few
steps. You're working in a...?
PlayStation game testing factory.
What kind of stuff do you do?
Well, I shouldn't really
be telling you this
but we are developing a new button -
the hexagon!
Wow!
Wait... But enough about me,
what about you guys?
Stephen, you got a date yet?
None of the boys here
can handle a real woman.
You've got to come to the prom, sir.
I can't. I don't work here anymore.
You're damn right!
Hello, Judas! I thought you'd
be hanging from a tree by now.
What's it like at the PlayStation
factory? No, Fraser. Stay strong.
I blocked you on Facebook.
I think it's for the best.
Fraser, we weren't lovers.
Didn't want you getting
Facebook envy of me
and my new best friend, Mr Heather.
This guy's banter is off the chain.
Do I have to wear this shirt?
I'm getting a rash.
Me and my homeslice going to
smoke bare sticky icky hand bongs
in these bad boys.
I can't smoke, I'm asthmatic.
Ooh, Kareem Abdul-Banter! Just
slam dunked another basket, lol.
I miss you every day.
Damn it, Fraser.
Well, as you're no longer
a member of staff
I must ask you to ALF Wiedersehen.
Bothered?
We have Subway for lunch
every day at PlayStation HQ.
The land of milk and honey.
Will you think about
coming to prom, Alfie?
Look, Joe, maybe it's best
if we all move on.
Are you crying?
Hold your tongue, Phil.
Hey, guys! Did anyone order
a maverick teacher
that's more like your best mate?
Coming right up.
Ooh, ooh, Christmas
crackers... in June! Come on!
It'll be a laugh.
Hey! Hey, Frank. Did I ever tell
you about my embarrassing tattoo?
Bit of ammunition there.
Go on, have a swing.
Sorry, Miss, it's just not the same.
You got too much self esteem.
Turns out I need that bumbling,
toffee-nosed wank stain
like day needs night.
Frank, that's so poetic.
I miss Mr Wickers too.
He's literally my Yang.
Guys, come on! Cheer up!
Oi, Sound Of Music, just put
on a DVD and leave it, yeah?
What about class wars?
Keep talking.
Yeah, like one big, end-of-term,
final battle extravaganza.
Would Alfie mind us
doing it without him?
Babes, it's what
he would have wanted.
Yeah, yeah!
Now we're cooking with gas!
Yeah! How about the battle
for women's rights in the workplace?
Yeah!
OK, everyone on the left,
you can be, like...
young, independent women, and on the
right you can be the establishment.
Boo!
I don't think I'm very good at this
irresponsible teacher thing.
Yo, Miss G!
Here's the shopping list.
So much for equality
in the workplace.
We're going to need BBQs,
fairy lights and Chinese lanterns.
What are you wearing? My DJ clobber.
Swedish House of Fraser.
I'm spinning tunes at the prom
tonight. Any requests?
Any requests except the request
that I don't DJ this evening?
Decking.
Claw hammer.
Cable ties.
Lime.
Oh, God!
Why don't these tills come
with a panic button?
Oh, sorry, do you mind if
I get this? It's my girlfriend.
Women! Can't live with 'em.
OK. Bye!
How's the PlayStation factory?
Great!
The PS4 gang will be the death of me.
Old Billy, Joel, Ringo and...
...Sink.
Well, glad you're happy.
How are my kids? Have they
forgotten about me already?
You're all they talk about.
Oh, you've got to come
to the prom, Alf.
I'm in DIY Home Stores getting
decorations now.
You're in DIY Home Stores? Mm-hmm.
Um, you should leave, er, right now.
Why?
Because, erm, I heard that, er,
they use sweatshops. Yeah.
All their garden furniture
is made by children.
So you should get out of there
before you have kids' blood
on your hands.
Alfie?
Hey!
Surprise!
What are you doing?
Er, just, er... Just trying out
this bath. Very spacious.
Why are you wearing that apron?
You mean, er, this old friend?
I've always had this.
All right. Busted!
I'm actually trying to blag
a staff discount, so ssh!
Oh! Hence...
Right, it just... It looks like you
could, sort of, maybe, work here.
What, me? Work here?
Don't be ridiculous.
Oi, Dickers.
Fella over there said you just
walked away and stopped serving him.
Sorry, mate. I think you might
have me mistaken for somebody else.
Nah, definitely you who served him.
He said it was a posh twat
who looked like a chubby ostrich
with a plum stuck up his arse.
Wow!
You all right, Miss? Mm.
Still would.
Thank you, Dean. Charming as ever.
And nice to see that DIY Home Stores
stock a wide variety
of massive spanners.
Yeah, you love it!
Sorry, you know Dean?
Dean Grayson. He's Grayson's
brother. I taught him years ago.
And suddenly everything makes sense.
Why didn't you tell me the truth?
I was going to apply
to other schools,
but I knew it would just be the same
heartbreak at the end of it.
Whatever you do,
whatever your job is,
I don't care.
And I don't care because...
Please, just come back
to Abbey Grove.
I can't.
Anyway, I love my job here.
Alfie Wickers, Alfie Wickers,
Code Brown in bathroomware.
Doris!
I've got to go. Why?
A geriatric lady thinks she's
about to soil a display toilet.
Not on my watch!
Hello, is that the manager?
Yes, I'd like to report an employee
of yours. An Alfie Wickers.
What did he do?
What did he do, indeed!
He fingered me in a summerhouse.
Hello? Oh, for fu...
Hi, Fraser.
Can I have your permission to take
Form K on a fieldtrip?
Do what you want!
God, I am drinking these Kalibers
like there's no tomorrow.
I'm the world's first
no-alcohol alcoholic.
I'm basically just addicted
to yeast.
Right, I'll leave you
with that thought.
Your move, Brown Baron.
Dean, if you're going to show me your
balls in a paint tray again...
Guys! Rosie? What are you...?
We came for you, sir,
and we're not leaving without you.
I didn't want you to see me
like this.
Sir, we know you don't want to
teach at Abbey Grove anymore,
but you've got to come to the prom.
I just dunno if I can handle it,
Chantelle.
But, Alfie, listen to what
your class are telling you.
Look, I appreciate you
coming down here.
Seeing you is the first time
I've smiled in, like, a week.
But you've got to let me
move on with my life.
I'm sorry.
But, sir, you won't even get
to meet Stephanie Fierce.
Still going in drag?
Good on ya.
Who needs a date, right?
Oh, I've got a date.
I'm taking the only man strong
enough to handle Stephanie.
You look amazing! Thank you, Frank.
Um, why you come dressed as Odd Job?
Chantelle made me get a spray tan.
He's an Oompa Loompa!
Throw your hat at him, Joe.
Oh, come on, gang.
Let's raise a glass
to absent friends.
To absent friends.
What are we thinking for the
post-work session, then?
Head round my crib for a few tinnies?
Don't tell the missus.
Not that I give a shit,
cos she's a bloody woman.
Ugh. Right, why is this not stopping?
Oh, you've cut the brake wires,
haven't you? Very funny.
Guys, seriously!
Argh!
Come on, guys, huh! Hey, who
wants to spike Fraser's Kaliber?
Or we could have a dance off
and really lose our dignity.
Come on, everyone make
a circle around me. Whoo! Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah, we can still have fun. Yeah!
We can have a good time, yeah!
Er, Miss?
Alfie. You came!
So, did you quit
DIY Home Stores, sir?
Yes, I did, Frank. But don't worry,
I did it with dignity.
Doris, this has been
the battle of a lifetime
and you a worthy adversary.
But now we must unite
to destroy our common enemy.
This is Dean's motorcycle helmet.
Take it, Doris,
and do what you do best.
Drop it like it's hot, girl.
Let's get up and dance.
Oh, what do we have here?
Some total stranger's
crashed the prom.
Go on, Heather. Destroy him
with one of your quips.
Nice to see you, Alfie.
Boom! What time do you
stop serving, Heather?
Fraser, I quit my job
at DIY Home Stores.
Heather, you're fired!
I knew you'd come back to me.
Things got out of control.
I got drunk on yeast and signed us
up to the Baccalaureate
and I don't even know what that is.
Look, mate, you don't need
to fire anyone.
I'm just here for the prom.
Alfie, they're playing Buble!
Tune!
♪ It's a new dawn
It's a new day ♪
♪ It's a new life... ♪
♪ It's a new dawn ♪
♪ It's a new day ♪
♪ It's a new life ♪
♪ It's a new life for me ♪
♪ And I'm feeling... ♪
♪ Good. ♪
It gives me great please-ure
to announce the prom king
and queen of Abbey Grove 2014.
Ooh!
The votes are in and the
prom king and queen are...
Grayson and Stephanie.
I would like to thank Scherzi
for teaching me
that to be scher-mazing
on the inside...
You know, we could make this work.
Us being a couple at Abbey Grove.
But I don't want to risk it
not working.
I love you Rosie
and I love teaching,
but if I had to choose one,
I'd choose you.
But what if you don't
have to choose?
Sir, it's the last song.
Can we go say goodbye
to our classroom?
Go on! They need you.
Another beer, sir?
I better not.
Don't want to set a bad example.
I think it's a little bit
too late for that.
Go on, then.
Sir, we wanted to give you
something.
I know I've been dropping
hints all term,
but you haven't bought me
a hot tub, have you?
The best gifts aren't bought
in a shop. They're home-made.
Eh... We made you
a slide show of photos.
Oh, God! It's not like the last
slide show you made for me?
If it is, I will probably
have to destroy it.
No. It's of all of us,
here at school.
Thanks, guys. That means a lot.
Oi, what you doing?
Carving my initials, innit?
This isn't prison, babe. I know!
But I used to think school was
like prison. I've been to 12 now...
...and this is the first one
I actually kinda like.
If you like it, you could stay.
Nice try, bruv!
Sir, you know if you
stayed a teacher,
it would make it easier for us
to come and visit you?
I just don't think I can, Stephen.
But you're the best
teacher in the world, sir.
If I'm so good, then how come my
entire class are leaving after GCSEs?
I think on paper that constitutes
a pretty crap teacher.
But school's not just about the
tests and the exams and the grades.
Yeah, on paper, we've probably
had a terrible education.
Our GCSE results are going
to be rubbish.
Hey, we don't know that.
Yeah, I mean they're probably
not going to be great.
But none of that makes
you a bad teacher.
When I first came to this school,
I sort of knew who I was,
deep down, but I was scared
of being that person.
Stephanie?
No, Stephen! The boy who does
the splits in the canteen!
The one-man Glee!
I'll sing it from the rooftops.
I am Stephen Carmichael.
You made me not give
a shit about this,
even though my mum bollocked you
when you made me play a tank
in class wars.
It was the first time that
I actually thought
having a chair was boss.
Why do you think
I flirted with you, sir?
You're the first guy who actually
liked me for who I was.
The flirting was just because
I didn't know how to handle
being appreciated.
You don't realise it, Alfie,
but you're that teacher.
The one who talks to us
like we're adults.
The one who always helps us,
no matter what.
You're the teacher that makes us
feel good about ourselves
for things that other people
don't even notice.
And... that's why you're the teacher
we'll remember
for the rest of our lives.
And if you stopped being
a teacher, then...
I'd feel guilty for all the kids
who never got to be
taught by Alfie Wickers.
Thanks, Joe.
Thanks, all of you.
Got to go. Mum's here.
Bye, sir.
I never realised just how horrible
that shade of yellow was.
Thanks, sir.
Safe, yeah?
Done now.
See ya later, sir.
♪ Oh, won't you stay with me? ♪
♪ Cos you're all I need ♪
♪ This ain't love ♪
♪ It's clear to see ♪
♪ But, darling, stay with me. ♪
Bye.
Yo, Alfredo! New term, new threads.
Don't worry, this thing turns on a
sixpence. I'm coming back for ya.
Shit!