Bad Education (2012–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - After School Clubs - full transcript

I photographed this text
message on Miss Gulliver's phone

so she couldn't delete
it before I confronted her.

It's to some guy called Orlando.

"Can't wait for BDSM tonight.
I love my bondage and my freedom."

What does BDSM even mean?

- Bondage domination and sadomasochism.
- Shut up, Mitchell!

Trust me Sir, I've watched a lot of porn.

I'm sure there's a logical
explanation why she's texting

- some random guy about bondage.
- Why don't you just ask her?

Sit her down and have an
honest conversation with her?

Grow up, mate! Look it up, BDSM.



"My bondage and my freedom,"
I recognise that.

What the hell!

Cor, Rem Dogg, your mum's putting
a lot of strain on that harness.

Maybe she thinks I'm a prude.
Have I driven her to this?

Calm down, Sir.
Here's what you need to do.

Alfie, I don't remember
inviting you.

So, before we plunge in,
maybe the newest

member of our clandestine cabal
could introduce himself.

We'll be gentle.

Phew!

Hi, I'm Alfie.

I am into fetish play, er,
light spanking and threesomes.

If another dude's involved, then
preferably Rosie would be holding my hand.

I brought a paddle and er,
remember, guys,



dorm rules, it's not gay
if there's no eye contact.

Well, this fortnight
we read My Bondage and My Freedom,

a heart-wrenching account of slavery
by Frederick Douglass.

- BDSM?
- Book Discussion Society, Magdalene.

I'll go.

Oh, my God!

SO3EO2
"After School Clubs"

ressync by: solfieri

So, it turns out My Bondage
and My Freedom is a book.

By Frederick Douglass!
I knew I recognised it.

In the nick of time!

Now Miss Gulliver's staying
with a friend

and I know it's that
douche bag Orlando.

Listen, Sam Cam, whining like a
bitch ain't going to make it better.

But revenge might. Where's Mitchell?

- I'm going to mess him up.
- With your spanking paddle?

Oi, everyone, listen up, I've got
some news. I'm leaving Abbey Grove.

- What?
- Did UKIP set fire to your caravan?

No.
Why does everyone think I'm a gypo?

I'm leaving cos my dad's fairground's
been shut down by the council.

TBH, your fair is a bit shit.

None of your dad's air rifles
shoot straight.

- Tell that to the cashier at HSBC.
- Going to pretend I didn't hear that.

You could still come to school.
Not that I give a shit.

Yeah. What if Abbey Grove became
a boarding school,

you could stay in a dormitory like
I did at my school?

Cheers, Spanky, but I'd rather not
be gangbanged by the quidditch team.

This is bullshit! There must be
a way of keeping you here.

Fraser, we need to turn
the playground into a paddock.

Well, we do need dollar,
dollar is what we need.

But fear not, I have a new initiative.
I'm renting out rooms after school.

The library is being
used by Miss Gulliver's book group.

Oh. I told her it might be double
booked, but she-cracked the whip.

- "Wpssh"! The safe word's, "Banter."
- Please stop.

- Banter.
- Consider me gagged and bound.

A Mr Hitchell Marper is
renting out the school

- hall for a retirement party.
- Right.

And I bagsied
the gym for my larping crew.

- Larping?
- Live action role play.

Picture a ragtag gang of shaggers

and legends doing battle dressed
as dwarfs, orcs, elves and wizards.

Legends? Shaggers?

Do you want in?

I think I'll give it a miss.

Larping came in on my bucket list
just below drinking

a gallon of urine or
dying of leprosy.

But I've told the lads all about you,
they're desperate to meet my best friend.

Er, best friend?

OK.

You know all that paperwork
winging its way down from Tory HQ?

The 25-page document I need to
complete on making the kids'

handwriting look more British?

I will make that form and all the others
disappear if you get your larp on.

Why are you whispering?

I think Gove had the room bugged.

Sneaky!

Love in the Time of Cholera.

Sounds like our mini
break in Morocco.

One mouthful of shower water,
then boom! Remember?

Fondly.

Can we talk?

- I've got to read this.
- For your "book club"?

Ugh, don't do inverted commas,
it IS a book club.

Why is it being held in the library?

Because I wanted to support
Fraser's new scheme.

And I didn't want to
have it at ours.

What, because you're ashamed of me?

Look, I don't normally care what
people think about us, but I

just had to convince my ex-boyfriend
I'm not going out with a gimp.

Orlando! "Ooh, look at me,
I'm so vintage, I've got a pager."

- He's a doctor.
- He's a dick!

- And, anyway, Orlando isn't even...
- What kind of a name is Orlando?

I mean, where was he conceived,
the log flume at Disneyworld?

He was named after
a book by Virginia Woolf.

- 'Course he was.
- Don't be intimidated.

Um, who's afraid of Virginia Woolf?

Sorry, I can't work out
if you're joking.

I am joking. Look, please,
please give me a second chance.

I'll come to the book group tonight.

But you hate reading
and it's in six hours,

it took you a year to finish
Charlotte's Web.

Oh, you watch me,
I am going to prove that I am

just as good as any of those smug,
judgmental, dweeby, Oxbridge shits...

..who are your good friends.

Right, change of plan -
I won't be teaching you today.

You guys can get on with these
personal statements whilst

I speed-read this dumb book.

Love in the Time of Cholera,
is it like Slumdog?

No, it's South American, I think.

Oh, sweet, is there a cartel?

I hope so, cos thus far this book has
been about as dry as a camel's fanny.

"Where do you see
yourself in five years?"

- How are we meant to answer that?
- Easy.

Treading the boards,
crunching the numbers, on the dole,

- in the clink and...
- Up the duff!

No. Working as a qualified
beautician.

- Who may or may not be pregnant.
- Don't worry, Sir, we'll be careful.

Just remember, kids,
in five years' time,

when you leave university,
there will nothing holding you back.

Except for a mountain of unpayable
lifelong crippling debt.

So be ambitious, children!
Remember, the sky's the limit.

How do you spell celebrity?

Ah, gosh!

- Oi, Stephen, can I borrow a gel pen?
- What scent, cherry or lime?

Whatever.

Oh, oh, it's a mouse!

Somebody kill it.
Somebody get it for me!

Mitchell?

- Well, it's me last day, Sir, so I did a few pranks.
- Ah, you scamp!

Calm down, Stephen.

Remember, it's more afraid of you
than you are of it.

Why do you even have a mouse?

I feed 'em to my snake.

Oh, shit!

It's a snake!

Calm down, Sir. It's more afraid of
you than you are of it.

Pizza?

I like this Mitchell prank. He
ordered 200 on the school account.

- How far have you got?
- Page five!

I'll look like an idiot
tonight at the book group

and Miss Gulliver's going to end up
shagging Orlando in his... sex library.

Can I help?

I can read a chapter for you,
if you like.

I wish you could, but I'd need, like,

15 yous to read
the whole bloody thing.

- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- Yes, I am!

- Cloning!
- Book pool!

Yeah, you're right,
book pool is a much better idea.

Everyone in the class can read one
chapter each. Gather the team!

Where are you going?

To tell the librarian to get her
sweet little 70-year-old

ass down to Waterstones pronto
cos Love in the Time of Cholera

has just been put
on the goddamn syllabus.

What you doing tonight?

It's just my leaving party.

Can you come?

I don't know, innit. Maybe.

Look, I just wondered if you
fancied, no, if you had a type...

..of pizza what you go for?

Yeah. Every girl's got their type.

See, I like my pizzas well hot..

- Yeah.
- ..With lots of dough. All right.

Minimum, 12 inches.

Oh. What have their own car

and don't live in a shitty caravan
with their family... fam.

I don't think Dominos do that one.

What about our personal statements?

Park those,
this is way more important!

Right, Jing, you'll take
chapter two. Stephen, chapter three.

Mitchell, chapter four.
Chantelle, chapter five.

And Joe's going to bring it on home
with the anchor leg.

Only if you help me out first.

Fine, but I won't lie in court
and I refuse to handle stolen goods.

Cleo's Peng and this party's
the last opportunity I'll

have to pull her, but she thinks I'm
as sexy as a shit in a lift.

With a turn of phrase like that,
I'm amazed she can resist you!

I'll help you, babe! We all will.

I've seen this a million times -
boy wants girl way

out of his league, it's got
Super Sweet 16 written all over it.

Stephen's right, you have to
look your best tonight.

Don't take this wrong,
but does your dad have a court suit?

- Yeah, used to be his lucky suit.
- What happened?

- Got found guilty.
- Perfect, so he won't be needing it.

If you're going for the suit,
you might as well go the whole hog.

As the toilet attendants do say,
no spray, no lay.

Where am I going to find
pepper spray?

What? No! Aftershave.

To stand a chance with Cleo,
this party has to be fierce,

- I'm talking hot tub!
- Not going to happen.

- Strippers!
- No way!

- Vodka Luge?
- It's a school.

- Lap dancers.
- You're obsessed.

You better be there tonight,
Dickers, bring the ball and chain.

And the gag and the whip, oi, oi!

Oh, Jesus! Are you wearing
anything underneath that?

Does talcum powder count?

Definitely not.

Then no,
I am as naked as the day I was

arrested in Bensons for Beds trying
out a double divan.

I sleep nude, I'm not going to make
an ill-informed purchase.

Look, Fraser, about the larping...

The look on my friends' faces
when they found out you're real.

I can't come. I really have to go
to this book group.

But Malcolm and Philip,
they're expecting you.

I'm sorry.

Ugh, very well then.

The last of Gove's initiatives.

He wants the pupils to
write with quills.

Oh, all those boxes to tick
and look,

a 30-page guide on how to
pluck a goose.

I'll come for five minutes.

Thanks, Alf, you won't regret it.

Your bin's there.

It used to be there.

Philip, Malcolm,
meet my best friend.

Salutations, Alfred! Nice costume.

Thanks. Fraser picked it out for me.

I was busy being a fully
functioning member of society.

The hobbit possesses a tongue
forged of fire. You jest nimbly.

If only he'd lavished similar
care on his costume.

Indeed, Philip,
a very sloppy Hobbit.

Right, I mean I am here.

I spotted the mistake as soon as
he walked through yon portal.

- Pray tell, Philip.
- Tell thee I shall, fair Malcolm.

Are you two like medieval
Chuckle Brothers?

The ears, Sirrah. In real life, the
Halfling does not have a pointed helix.

Did he just say "in real life"?

It's like Comic-Con all over again.

Mm.

Come brother,
let us high to the mead.

They may be the biggest twats I've
ever met in my entire life.

What happened at Comic-Con?

Oh, nothing much. I bought us
all tickets and we went as Sylvian

elf archers and I stupidly turned up
with a longbow of Lothorian.

They were well within their rights
to send me home, to England.

To England? Where was Comic-Con?

San Diego.

Hark!

We must journey to the Dark Mountain

and there do battle with
Lord Gorath's dragon legion.

Cool! I'm going to nip for a shit.

Poor Fraser. Abandoned
at the battlefield by his only ally.

I'm coming back and when I do I'm
going to make it rain, bitches!

Hobbits can't cast weather spells.

Dick!

Joe, where the
hell are those summaries?

I needed to be in that book group
five minutes ago.

I'm collecting them right now.

That's your dad's suit? What was he found
guilty of, crimes against fashion?

Could say that, he robbed
a River Island.

I need to give these to Alfie.

Nah, doing a crate escape, mate,
you got to drink your way out.

I can't let him down.

Pass me a beer.

I mean, the plot is so elegant.

Fermina marries the wrong man,

so Florentino has to
wait 50 years to be with her.

Sorry, um, retarde to the
bibliotheque. I bought hummus.

Well, that's better than last
week's offering.

Bit uncalled for.
So, do we all have our books?

I thought I'd take a back-seat to start
with, you know, just get my bearings.

Yeah, that's a good idea.
Just, just take your time.

Were we all satisfied
by the narrative's denouement?

Well, I thought it was
beautifully bittersweet.

If there's one thing
I know about Rosie,

she abhors a Hollywood ending.

I do!

Yeah, well she enjoyed Frozen.

Maybe you don't know
Rosie as well as you think you do.

People change, mate.

Or maybe they don't,
as Marquez posits.

Would you care to
expand on that hypothesis?

Um, yes. Yeah. Watch me expand.

The author,
old Gabriella Garcia Marquezeria.

Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

Whatever! You say potato,
I say frittata.

You know what, why don't we start
at the beginning of the book

rather than the end,
wouldn't that be more logical?

- Yeah, yeah, that's fine with me, yeah.
- Wise old dude's with me.

What's that old saying people have?

"Don't judge a book by its cover,

"but do judge a book by the first
seven pages."

No, er, one more thing...

..why aren't more books printed in
Comic Sans?

OK, I think we've covered the first seven
pages of the book pretty thoroughly.

Why don't we, we move on? Let's
discuss the novel's message.

Ah, well, the text's thematic
paradigm is a simple one.

Love never dies.

Unless it catches cholera, burn!

And two lovers may part, but their
hearts will always beat as one.

Yeah, well, that's weird, because I
read the exact opposite in the text.

I read that, you know, she made
a mistake, so move on, mate.

Well isn't that completely
contradictory?

Literature's subjective, Orlando,
there is no right and wrong.

Yeah, thanks old friend.
It's a Catch-24.

Alfie,
you have read the end of the book?

Yeah. Yeah, read the end,
and the beginning, and the middle.

So, what specifically did you
think about the end?

Um, well, well, well, well, well,
very good question.

Um, the main guy is called Fernando
and it's a love story,

so do we all think that's why,
on Take Me Out,

they called it
the Isle of Fernandos?

- He's called Florentino.
- Shit!

Maybe we should take
a comfort break.

Great idea.
Someone's bladder's not up to it!

I'm going to go and er,
smoke a Gauloises.

Oh, and Orlando, BT dubs,
if you're going to go drop the kids

off at the pool, just remember
that's your arse, that's your elbow.

Alfie, you're on fire.

- Thanks, babe!
- No, no, you're on fire.

What? Oh, shit!

Didn't like that scarf anyway, so...

Joe, where have you been?
Have you been drinking?

Ah, just give me
the chapter summaries.

Relax, Sir, have a beer.

No, I've got to get back to
this book group.

- But, Sir, it's my leaving party!
- OK, one, but it's got to be quick.

Alf? Alf? Alf, there you are.

Where's your costume?

Fraser, the book club...

Malcolm and Philip said you'd
bailed on me. I didn't believe them.

- I'm not bailing, it's just...
- No, don't worry. I understand.

Malcolm and Philip got to you,
I know, they're right,

you're not my friend
and you think I'm a loser, too.

Calm down, mate, it's non-contact!

Yah!

Isn't this amazing?

Yeah, it's all right I suppose.

Oh, that hobgoblin you nailed think
he's going to be blinded for life.

You might want to go
easy on the gouging!

Whoop, whoop, it's
the bellend patrol!

Whoa, put your phone away,
it's historically inaccurate.

Last month, Phil and Malc caught me
wearing a digital wristwatch.

They quite rightly
punished my blooper by making me

sit in a barrel for five hours.

My doctor thinks I'm going to have
back problems for life.

I'm sorry, Fraser, I've
got to get back.

- But Alf, I'm outnumbered!
- I'm sorry.

My notes, no peeking!

Yes, I thought the plot might prove
too complex for some readers.

Complex! A child could read it.

But would a child understand it?

Hopefully.

Go and talk to Cleo.

I'm going, I'm going. I just need to
be a bit more drunker.

It's not as much fun
without Mr Wickers.

Hope the book club's going well.

I think I gave him some good ammo.

Marquez views love
not as a sickness,

but as an ontological phenomenon.

The lovers exist within their own
relationship and,

as we all know, the course of true
love never did run smooth.

- Oh!
- Wow!

That was beautifully put.

Well, that was kind of what
I was saying.

Quote time!

"The only regret I will have in dying
is if it is not for love."

Florentino.

Thank you.

While we're on that theme, er, er, what did
we all make of Florentino's character?

- Well...
- I've got this one as well. Ssh!

- Well I thought the book was totes obvious.
- Really?

Er, hello! Come on, babe,
a tale as old as time.

The lead character, Florentino,
is definitely gay.

But he's in love with a woman.

So was Ricky Martin.

So what did you make of it?

Well, I didn't have time to read it,
so I just took an educated guess.

You made it up.

He said it was set in South America, so
I just thought two plus two equals...

A massive pile coke now
covered in the brains

and blood of the cartel boss,
El Cajones Grandes,

who'd just been shot in the back
of the head by Ross Kemp.

Oh, you dick!

- What are you guys talking about?
- The book report.

Oh, yeah,
when do you have to hand them in by?

Joe already took them, babes.

What? But they were our personal
statements, weren't they?

Hang on, hang on, let me get this
straight - you think Fermina's

motivation was not to be reunited
with her true love,

but to open a nail salon in Chigwell
and save up for breast implants

- and then marry her teacher.
- And then marry her teacher.

Ye... yeah.

Right.

- Well, shall we call it a night?
- Yes.

Alfie, it's Fraser. I've cornered
Philip and Malcolm in the gents.

Come and help me slay them.

Thus the trap is set.

We shall slay your deformed Hobbit
right here, in the stoolery.

And what shall we do with this one?

Fetch me the barrel.

Huh! Good idea.

Right, I'll fetch the barrel.
Yeah, yeah, cool.

If it's any consolation,
I thought your version,

with the strippers and the drug
dealers sounded pretty good.

I've forced
her into the arms of her ex.

Oh, er, listen, Rosie,
she just needs space.

I want you to know that
nothing's happened.

We don't know that, Richard.

Alfie, let's have coffee tomorrow
and just talk everything through.

- Are you still OK to drive me home, Richard?
- Yeah.

Hey, Rich, make sure that snaky ex
doesn't follow her home.

Er, Alfie, Richard is my ex.

What? But he's a little old man.

He was my lecturer at Oxford.

Yeah, we used to walk together
through the woods,

reciting poetry by heart.

"A thing of beauty is a joy for
ever, its loveliness increases,

"It will never pass into
nothingness,

"But still will keep a bower
quiet for us."

Mm. "My friend Billy had
a ten-foot willy

"and showed it to the girl next door.
She thought it was a snake,

"so she hit it with a rake
and now it's only six-foot-four."

I've got rhymes too,
what of it, Brucey?

- Alfie, come on. Look, I just need time.
- You want time?

And you're picking
the ticking clock over here?

I'm not picking anything.

I'm just saying that
I need some space to... to think!

The course of true love never
did run smooth.

Fuck off, Orlando.

Right, now I'm ready.

Oi, Cleo, look,
I just wanted to say that, right,

I may not have a car or 12 inches,

I'm probably about an eight minimum.
Wait, no, can I start again?

If I kiss you, will you shut up?

For ever.

Fraser!

BOTH: Yah!

Ah, trusting Hobbit,
prepare to taste orc and steel.

It's a trap. Run, Alfie, run!

I send thee to the spirit world.

You're, you're meant to fall down.

Hold your head back.

We're going to report this, Fraser!

Yes, you should report it,

that two frost blood orc warriors
were slain by a sloppy Hobbit.

Come on, Malc, Mum's waiting
to pick us up.

She's staying at her ex's tonight.

Miss Gulliver loves you, Alfie.

Maybe she just needs some time to
realise why that is.

Right nut sacks, I'm off.

- How did it go with Cleo?
- Amazing.

She said I was the worst kisser
she's ever had and I got a lob on.

TMI.

But if I promised not to
brag about on Facebook,

she said she'll go Nandos with me.

Well done, mate,
I'm happy for you. We all are.

- Babe, we're going to miss you so much.
- God, I hate goodbyes.

Joe, mate, if I ever said mean
things to ya, it was just banter.

The best thing you can do is grow
up, make loads of bunts,

get a proper fit bird and make me
look like a Muppet.

Dickers, I used to think there were
two types of teachers,

the arseholes and the tragedies.

You're an exception.

If I saw you on the street,
I wouldn't shout obscenities at ya,

I'd go for a pint with ya, and tell
you you was a twat to your face.

Thank you, Mitchell.

That's the most beautiful thing
anyone has ever said to me.

I heard that posh people
are emotionally undernourished,

but you are something else.

Rem Dogg, this could be hard
seeing as you don't talk anymore,

and I know you've become
a bit of a weirdo this term,

but you'll always be me best mate.

And when you're out of this phase,
you give me a bell, we'll go to

Maccy D's, throw tampons at traffic
wardens, just like old times.

Bye, guys.

Mitchell?

I love you!

Ha-ha, gay!

Oi, oi!

Mr Wickers, we've received some
noise complaints.

One last prank is it, Mitchell?

Have I been a naughty boy, officer?

Are you going to punish me
with your truncheon?

- Sir?
- Let's get this over and done with.

Strippers don't wear Kevlar!

You have the right to remain silent.