Bad Education (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Politics - full transcript

This programme contains
some strong language

♪ My heart is broken,
like an egg on the floor

♪ If I wasn't such a grown-up
then I'd call you a whore

♪ You are my personal salmonella

♪ Going off on holiday
and having sex with Trevor

"# She's the egg-smashing woman"
ALL LAUGH

"# Egg-smashing..."
I was 16. I was in a bad place.

Why don't you take it down? I forgot
my password and security question.

I mean, Jesus,
what is my favourite place?

Judging by that, another
dude's arse. Shut up, Mitchell!

Sir, can we watch my video now?
What's it called?



One girl, ten cups.
Oh, god, Chantelle.

What? It's just me
doing the washing-up. Oh.

Greetings and salutations. David
Millbank. I was just wondering

if I can count on your vote for
this forthcoming school election.

Um, go away. We're working.

Now, who did you vote for last year?

Little Mix.

Ah, the X Factor, yes.

Look, I love music.
I'm a big fan of The Coldplay,

Jay Zed and Olly Murs feat...
Rizzle Sticks.

Here, Sir, do you want to see
an old guy singing with his nutsack?

Mitchell, why would I want to see
an old man singing with his...?

MUSIC: "Sledgehammer"
by Peter Gabriel

Oh, my god! Is that...?



Oh, I've got to send this to Fraser.
He loves Peter Gabriel.

COMPUTER BOINGS

"# I'll be anything you need"

Goodness, Peter Gabriel's aged.

"# You could have a big dipper"

Oh, Jesus.

"# Going up and down
all around the bends"

OK, there's nothing to see here,
guys. Can you just get on?

Put the phone away. Question ten's
good. Get on with it. It's chicken.

♪ This amusement never ends

♪ I wanna be

♪ Your sledgehammer

♪ Why don't you call my name?

♪ Oh! Let me be your sledgehammer

♪ This will be my testimony

♪ Sledge

♪ Sledge

This is the dawn of a new age.

Now, by now you're all be aware
that a video of our headmaster

showing children images
of a geriatric man

manipulating his scrotum to song
has gone viral.

He's been asked to remain
off the school grounds

pending a review by the Educational
Authority Disciplinary Board.

In the interim, I shall rule.
Bullshit.

Surely the most senior member
of staff should be headmistress?

Mollinson has been here since,
like, the swinging '60s.

The swinging '70s and '80s.

The '90s were a bit dry,
thanks to my hip replacement.

Now, given the disastrous example
set by our ex-headmaster,

we have to get our house in order.
What do you mean, "house in order"?

To start, I'm not having you turn
this place into a hippy commune.

That ludicrous garden of yours.
The one I built as a memorial
to my late brother, Freddie?

I need a new parking space.
Could it fit a Hummer?

And take this school election,
always an absolute shambles.

Oh, is it? I don't believe
in elections. Course you don't.

But we are going to show the board
that we can get something right.

Which means, Wickers,
you can sit this one out.

BLOWS A RASPBERRY
Bothered?

This election
will run like clockwork.

That way, I will show the board
that I am the right man
for the job on a permanent basis.

No-one wants you in charge. You're
like the stepmum in Parent Trap.

With me in power,
this school will improve, expand.

The pupils will be
better, stronger...

purer.

Almost like a super race?
Yes. Amazing.

I have to deal with
that troublesome Fletchley boy.

His parents are demanding
compensation for some
javelin accident.

So I'm expelling him.
On what grounds?

For having marijuana in his locker.
How do you know that?

I put it there.

I need a smoke.

Yeah, me too.
You don't smoke.

Yeah, sure I do...
you know, like, when I'm stressed.

♪ Oh! After the rain

♪ We forget, we make sure we gain,
then we leave it

♪ Cos we're a nation
of forgetters. ♪

Fraser is screwed.

COUGHS

That's some good shit.
Do you want to do blowback?

It's a cigarette, Alfie,
it's not pot.

Yeah, sorry.

Can you imagine Pickwell
as headmistress?

I'm not letting her
near Freddie's tree.

You heard the way she was talking.

She'll have Jewish kids
in separate classes.

In five years, we'll be telling
the disciplinary board

we were only following orders.

She could sack us!
Then what would you do as a living?

Go back to B&Q. I kept the uniform.

And staff get 13% off decking.
So, win-win.

You'll have to make an effort with
her. Are you entering this election?

She told me not to.

Anyway, this whole
school election thing is bullshit.

Only because of the last time
your kids got involved in politics.

Not this again.
Rem Dogg got stage fright.

Well, hello, young chap.
What's your ambition in life, eh?

Anal.

What? Um...

Everyone knows school politics
is just for losers like Millbank.

You know he came to my class this
morning asking for our votes? And?

I told him to piss off.
You do know he's my candidate?

COUGHS
Great guy.

I bet you think it's cool to say
you're not "into" politics.

Now you're sounding really old.
Have you ever voted?

No. No. I don't need to, because
my dad does my postal vote for me.

Oh, god.

Winning the election would be
a piece of piss. I can't be bothered.

Because you're afraid of losing.
Losing? My class would rape Millbank.

Your class? Special K? Please.
Don't bring the children into this.

Pathetic. Right, I'm going back to
help my "loser" win this election.

Well, I am going to the canteen

because I have got the munchies.

Right, class.
We've got an election to win!

Who wants to stand?

Look, I've seen the other candidates

and we can't win if we're running
against them on their terms.

So, our inspiration
for this election

is going to be a certain Pol Pot.

Ain't that the guy that
killed anyone wearing glasses?

Paul Potts. Sorry, I always get
them mixed up. The one that
won Britain's Got Talent.

Yeah, we're gonna win it
on a sympathy vote.

And we have the perfect candidate.
Everybody loves a chubby virgin.

Oh, no, why is it always me?
Joe,

this is your perfect opportunity
to make this class proud of you.

Yeah,
but I can't do public speaking.

It's easy. It's just like teaching
a class. What if I freeze up?

Well, they say that you should
imagine that everyone's naked.

When you teach us
you imagine us naked?

No. I'll never win anyway.
Course you can win.

All you need
is a crack campaign team.

And you have got
the best in the business.

Jing. She is a mastermind.
She'll be on strategy.

Stephen does plays, he can write
your speeches. Mitchell...

..has...

got a laptop.
He'll run the website.

Er, hack the website. I've
given out more viruses than her!

Shut up!
I'll do it on one condition.

Anything. For one day, you don't
make stupid comments about China.

Promise.

Just to clarify, um,
you do know what voting is?

It's just, you know,
democracy isn't really a big...

Never mind.
So, what do you reckon? You in?

OK.

Yes. Right, team, to the corridor.

Talk to me, people.
We have a problem. Everyone entering
needs a party and they're all taken.

Except one. It's not the BNP?
Worse. Lib Dem. Bollocks.

Stephen, get a yellow tie,
draw up a list of promises to break.

Right.
What shall we do about Grayson?

He's the Tory,
so he's all about cuts.

We need to prove his financial plan
is unrealistic.

Mitchell, hack the school accounts.
Jing, you'll analyse the data.

It'll take time.
The mainframe's got me flagged

ever since I put the school
on Gumtree. What about Millbank?

Doesn't he have a brother?
Edmund Millbank, 14.
He has the lowest SAT score.

He's asthmatic, dyslexic, wheat,
lactose and sunlight intolerant.

He's like Rain Man, but can't count
and isn't allowed near matches.

We need him
to run against his brother.

A sibling rivalry will
cause havoc with David's campaign.
Genius! How do we get him to run?

He can't. He's got gammy legs.
I meant in the election.

Chantelle, you are going
to take his breath away.

Steal his inhaler?
Flirt with him. Convince him
to challenge his brother.

You owe me big time for this.
Oh, I'll make it up to you.

Not like that.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
Come on, come on.

So, I want to propose the deal.

Fraser, why do we have to do this
in an Italian restaurant?

You get me back into power
and, in two terms' time,

I stand aside
and let you take the top job.

No. Why would I even want that?

I'm just trying to get you on board.
I'm on your side.

Good. I've got that hearing later.

I need you and other teachers
to convince the committee
I'm still up to the job.

Yeah, about that. Pickwell
has sort of started a smear campaign.

At her age,
I wouldn't have thought it mattered.

No... Throw her my bone. Tell her

if she helps me get back my job,
I'll let her put
Creationism on the syllabus.

She's been banging on
about that for years.

Look, I'll do everything I can.
Great. Well, in advance,

a little crib sheet.

The Da Fraser Code.

Can't grow a full beard?
Skip the weakness section.

Strengths.
There's your meat and two veg.

This stuff is not
going to impress the committee.

Grade three on the oboe?

It's really hard.
Not colour blind.

Yellow. Appeared on Super...
You appeared on Supermarket Sweep?

I did.
The point is, that this shit

won't help get your job back. That
you can impersonate Michael Caine?

BAD IMPRESSION:
Blow on me bloody doors.

Yeah, I'd maybe
pop that one under weaknesses?

Sorry, you did not
invent the "wassup" craze.

No-one can prove that.

Wassssss-uuuuuppppp!

One spaghetti Bolognese and one...

Unfolded calzone stromboli.
Ici, por favor.

You do know that
calzones come folded.

Yeah, but it's half the fun.

You are such a bell end.

BLOWS

It should look like a lung.

Garcon, couple of straws.

Well, um...

I've checked the numbers four times,

and our class candidate
for the school election

is definitely...

Edmund Millbank.

LAUGHTER

Mummy will go spare.

What are the early forecasts?
The polls have Grayson in the lead.

The voters love
his tough economic stance.
And he scares them shitless.

Where are the school accounts?
Mitchell's working on it.

See? Told you the FBI website
was piss easy to hack, man.

I've set up a Twitter account.
Got a retweet from Myleene Klass.
Great. About which policy?

I said I loved her hair.
Well, that's a start.

What are we going to do about David
Millbank? You didn't hear? No, what?

Before we begin this hustings,

I would like to extend
a very warm welcome to those members

of the Local Education Authority
who have joined us here today.

Er, the rules.

No swearing, no music, no spitting,

no nudity and none of that
global-warming nonsense.

Everyone knows
it's a hoopla invented
by tree-fingering socialists.

Good. So, to our first speaker,
Frank Grayson,

standing as a Conservative.

APPLAUSE

Welcome to the Big Society.
My motto?

Your problems
ain't got shit to do with me.

The welfare state is brass!

Policies.

I'm sacking the school nurse. She's
pointless and she ain't even fit.

And, secondly,

these knob heads, why waste
my hard-earned monies on them,

when instead
we could spend it on this?

A massive sports day this summer.

I'm going to build the school
essential facilities

like a velodrome and
an equestrian centre, you get me?

So, vote for me

or watch your back.

Because in the Big Society,

no-one can hear you scream.

SCANT APPLAUSE

Right, who's next?
Oh, this'll be good. It's Form K.

Cheers, sugar tits,
I'll do the intros.

So, after being told that
I couldn't enter this election,

let alone win it, here I am
with my very own candidate.

From the under-25's category,

would you please welcome
Joe Poulter!

Here's your speech.

Wooh!

Change of plan.
I've, er, written my own.

Bit punchier.

How are those accounts coming on?
Mitchell's still working on it.

And with one click, Mr Wickers
is on the world's most wanted list.

Is that the PE teacher?

When you're written off
as a coward,

it takes a lot of guts
to get back up

and show that woman
who you really are.

Most politicians are like women,

older women, in that
they don't care about you.

They patronise you. They don't
listen to you in the staff room

when you're telling them
about paintballing
at Chris Lammond's stag do.

Really good story. What?
Like older women,

politicians make you think
you've got a chance with them

only to shit on you
from up on their high horse.

WHISPERS: The other side.

And for the record, I DO smoke.

I get high all the time. There's
a photo of me on Facebook smoking

a joint at Glastonbury,
at least I think

Henry said it was weed
but I couldn't hear because Moby
was tearing up the dance tent.

Right, right, right.
Well, that was as weird as expected.

You nailed it! I didn't nail it.
I embarrassed myself
in front of the school.

I never wanted
to do this stupid election thing.

OK, next up from Form M
is Edmund Millbank.

Right, sit down!

OK, this clearly isn't about
the election any more because,

thanks to you-know-who,
it's been hijacked.

For once, could you behave
like a real teacher?

Right, um, for the record,
I am a real teacher,

obviously. A real teacher wouldn't
force pupils to do things they
don't want to do. Homework?

A real teacher wouldn't put words
into their pupils' mouths.

French teacher. Any language.
You're embarrassing yourself.

Oh, get a room.
Oh, piss off!

OK. I think we've had enough
of the Gulliver Show for one day.

Well, unless you'd like
to humiliate yourself any...

Back off, you menopausal witch.

If you dare touch
my garden or Freddie's tree,

I will personally ram
that Hummer up your arse.

LAUGHTER

Silence!

Pull yourselves together.

I'd like the rest of this hustings
to be conducted with due decorum.

So, back to the serious business
of this election

and our next candidate from Form B,

Ben Poppit who represents
The Forces of Good.

I'm sorry for getting carried away
with the whole election stuff.

Ah! Your little spectacle back
there's played right into my hands.

It's going to be even easier
to lance two irritating abscesses.

You can't lance us.
Oh, I can when I'm headmistress.

The committee won't complain
after seeing that performance.

You'll both be out.

That would be the case
if it wasn't for the fact

that Fraser's gonna
get his job back.

Oh, stop pussy-parping, Wickers.
Fraser doesn't stand a chance.

This is a 500-page
character assassination on Fraser.

I've compiled one on all of you.

Mr Wickers, please.

And you are? Er, Alfie Wickers.

I teach Form K. Slow bunch,

but, you know, kind of guys
that you want to go for a pint with.

Not now, obviously,
because they're under-age.

But... I mean,
most of them are lightweights.

It's... I've never
been for a drink with them.

So, how would you describe
Shaquille Fraser?

You're... Shaq-Shaquille?

That's your first name?

You said it was Simon.

Judging by that, you don't know
Mr Fraser at all well.

No, look, Shaquille

may come across
as a bit of a guiche.

No offence, Fraser.

Standard banter.

Look, I've done some shit here

that at any other school
would definitely get me fired.

Maybe even arrested.

But Fraser has never shouted at me,
never got me in trouble.

And, you know,
he loves this school,

he'd do anything for it,
it's his life. And,

I know it might sound a bit lame,

but he's genuinely
one of my best friends.

Well, I'm glad you get on so well.

Unfortunately, this has no bearing
on his professional competency.

Can you tell me one thing Shaquille
has achieved as headmaster?

Do you guys remember,

'Wasssss-uuuuuppppppp'?

AS MICHAEL CAINE:
Blow on me bloody doors!

You're up.

Oh, god.

Well, the hour is nearly upon us.

What will I do first?
Ooh, maybe I'll build a wicker man

in the playground.
I wonder who'll go in it.

Sir! Sir!

All right, I'm coming.

What? Look.

What? It's the accounts.

Jing, that's sweet of you, but it's
too late. Grayson's already won.

No, look. This column
shows the school's expenses.

This column shows
Pickwell's withdrawals.

They don't add up.
ã140 in the school's expenses
and ã200 in Pickwell's.

She's made that withdrawal
every week for years.

Right, um,
could you explain that again,

er, as though you were
explaining it to a child?

Pickwell's been
fiddling her expenses.

Oh, god, Jing,

I could kiss you.

Please don't.
It might upset Chantelle.

Well done.

Why are you walking like you've
soiled yourself? This is my swagger.

What have you got to swagger about?
Read it and weep.

Doubt it. I haven't wept since 1990.

1990? When she was hounded
out of office by her own party.

Well, talking of being
hounded out of office,

it would appear as though
one member of staff

has been siphoning off public money.

You.

This column? Mmm.

Now where's your evidence?

You think we didn't make copies?
We made copies, right, Jing?

SPEAKS CHINESE
Yeah, that is Chinese

for "many, many, many,
many multiple copies".

I'll have you arrested.
You stole this information.

You could tell the authorities,
they're in here. They won't mind.

No, don't! Please. Well,

I suggest that if you
want to keep any kind of job,

you go in there and tell
your little pals at the council

that Fraser
is the most amazing headmaster

you have ever had the privilege
of working for.

Oh, and one more thing I'll need
you to arrange re the election.

Joe Poulter. Out of the question.

Grayson's already won
by a landslide.

Joe doesn't even want
to be school president, Alfie.

But I think it would mean
a great deal to Edmund.

Actually, I've got a better idea.

And the winner
of the Abbey Grove election is...

Ben Poppit.

APPLAUSE

With great power, comes great
responsibility. Thank you.

♪ You know I said it's true

♪ I can feel the love
Can you feel it, too?

♪ I can feel it
Ah ah

♪ I can feel it
Ah ah

♪ You know I said it's true

♪ I can feel the love
Can you feel it, too?

♪ I can feel it
Ah ah

♪ I can feel it
Ah ah

♪ You know I said it's true

♪ I can feel the love
Can you feel it, too?

♪ I can feel it, oh
Oh, I can feel it

♪ Oh, I can feel it
Ah ah

♪ I can feel it
I can feel it

♪ I can feel it
Can you feel it, oh, too? ♪

I'm the headmaster!

I've got to go outside.
I'm going to be sick.

I'm feeling quite drunk.
Me, too.

That's because I decided on a little
celebration for getting my job back.

I've spiked the punch.

Are you out of your mind?
Not yet! But I do need to sit down.

Where's that wheelchair boy?

Remember, posture, eye contact,
throw in some cute giggles,

maybe rest your hand on his arm
and then tell him you'll
tug him off behind the bins.

Car keys anyone?

No, thank you.

I couldn't anyway,
they're my dad's.

The more the merrier.

♪ Come and dance with me
Come and dance with me

♪ Come dance with me
I see you glance at me

♪ That's why I'm asking, B
So let's party, B

♪ Come and dance with me

♪ Get away from the bar
Tell your boyfriend hold your jar. ♪

Joe, can you get me
some more punch?

♪ I don't know where you come from
But you're everywhere I go. ♪

You know when it's a new term
and you get a new class

and there's a kid
that's got potential

but really frustrates you because

one day they're a grade A and the
next day they're just like a kid

who doesn't seem to care.

But then, um...
by the end of the term,

you realise that, um...

that maybe
they're perfect after all?

I have that exact same situation
with Mitchell.

No, no, Alfie...

It was a metaph...

♪ Shut me up
How can I breathe when I'm afloat

♪ Our love's concrete
We should leave it set in stone

♪ Yeah, and whenever I'm in doubt
Yeah, you forever calm me down

♪ Yeah, and sometimes I'm a dummy
And I know I would have crashed... ♪

Oh. Put it on, put it on.

Um, I need...

I need some air.

♪ You are my personal salmonella

♪ Going off on holiday
And having sex with Trevor

♪ She's the egg-smashing woman

♪ Egg-smashing woman

♪ She's the egg-smashing woman

♪ And I am the egg

♪ I've been smashed

♪ Smashed by the woman

♪ You had sex with Trevor

♪ You fucking bitch. ♪

So, that song was dedicated
to a woman called Rachel Perkins.

I am SO over you.

And yeah, Rachel,
you can go around school telling
everyone that I haven't had sex

but, two weeks ago, I got
half a hand job from Kelly Bright

on the coach on the way home
from Cheddar Gorge.