Bad Education (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Football Match - full transcript
The school prepares to play local public school Middleton House at football and Faser appoints Alfie as team coach. After the first and second teams refuse to deal with him Alfie is reduced to asking his class to field a side against the school where he was once bullied and whose sports master Humpage still humiliates him. The first half goes badly but the team rallies after a pep talk from Alfie,ending in a draw. Miss Pickwell,who wanted a job at Middleton House is displeased and the real reason for Humpage's feud with Alfie is made known.
Yo, what's going down my...
n-word?
Shush, Fraser! You've ruined it.
What the Harry Hill? Are you...?
Conducting a seance? Yes.
It's interactive learning.
Hold yer Ouija boards,
because today is the biggest day
in the school sporting calendar!
It's the big footie match
against Middleton House.
Really? Here?
Yes, but you can understand that
they're a little sensitive
after last year -
16 of their state-of-the-art
Mac Book Pros went missing.
17, actually.
I've just heard that the PE
teacher's going to be
unavailable for the game.
Slightly garbled message from him
saying that he'll either be back
by two or in two to five years.
Something to do with DNA evidence.
And I fit into this how?
I need someone to manage the team.
A chance to stand up to those posho
bullies. Tell them you ain't going
to be eating that biscuit no more.
Not this again. Why does everyone
think I was bullied at Middleton?
Your girly run.
The way you throw.
Your Facebook wall.
I wasn't bullied, all right?
Come on, Alf. It's in the bag.
We're unbeatable this season. We're
like the Invincible Arse-gunners.
You know nothing about football,
do you? No.
Do you know anything about sport?
I like the Red Arrows!
Whoosh! So, whaddya say?
I guess I could.
Right, pack this up.
But Sir, you promised
we could talk to Hitler.
Well, it's not like he's going
anywhere.
Yo! What's up team?
This sesh is all about you getting
to know your new gaffer.
Yeah. The boss man.
The special one.
Il Classico.
Why are you calling us team?
Cos you're my guys, right,
and I thought this match,
perfect opportunity for you to get
involved in the big game.
Hang on, what happened to
the actual football team?
Nothing.
So the last man has to be behind,
and in front, erm,
if it's two of them it goes to
deadlock and then it's done
on public vote.
Yep. That, that's the offside rule
in a nutshell.
I can't believe you were
ostracised by the entire first team.
Ostracised. "Oh, my name's Joe
and I use long words."
Hang about,
ain't there a second team?
Yeah.
Bwarch! Guys! bawrch!
Look, sometimes it's good to have
a little re-jig of the team.
I mean, look at...
The Sugababes.
You know jack shit about football.
Well, Mitchell, if you came
to my bedroom there is a certain
Goonersaurus duvet
that would beg to differ.
Did you just invite me
to your bedroom?
I'll play. Great. You play?
She's had one-on-ones with
some of the game's big names.
And a couple of two-on-ones.
Who? A lady never breaks
a super-injunction.
OK. Jing, you in?
Bring the team some of that
unflappable Far Eastern work ethic.
It's not a national sport
but there's that fella
that plays for United.
Yeah, that's his name, so...?
Not in a million years.
Come on. One of you must want
to play?
I'm pretty good at football.
Yeah, he is.
He's just like Ashley Cole.
That's very sweet
but don't be silly.
But we all know the only reason
you want us to play this stupid game
is to get back at your old school
for bullying ya.
Why does everyone assume
that I would be a victim of bullies?
Oi, dick wad! Hello, Grayson.
What's my position?
You... you want to play?
I'll play for this team
all right, Downton, but only cos
I want to hospitalize some toffs.
This doesn't mean we're mates,
and I still think you're a piece.
Great, um, but, I thought you
weren't allowed to play.
Yeah, well I'm back now, innit.
Finished serving my ban.
Why were you banned?
Off the ball incident.
What was it? Two footed tackle?
Arson. Right. Good.
See, that is exactly the kind
of passion that I'm looking for.
I think I've found myself a skipper.
So, who else wants to join
the revolution with me
and my buddy Frank?
You call me that again
and I'll firebomb your shed.
Me and my colleague here,
Mr Grayson.
We're going to get dicked on.
No-one?
Please, I'm desperate.
What have I got to do to
convince you to play?
PHONE RINGS
ALFIE VOICEMAIL GREETING:
"Hi, you're through
to Alfie Wickers.
"Sorry I can't
take your call right now
"but I'm busy cracking one out
to Loose Women.
"No, not Vorderman or McLean.
"I am...
"stiffin' for McGiffin.
"Please leave a message
after the tone."
All right then, deal.
OK right, time to hit the pitch.
I want to see what you've
got in your lockers.
A flare gun and some porn.
Not yours.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Erm, you wanted to see me?
Ah yes, Ms Gulliver.
Rosie. Do come in.
So, what's this about?
Ah, you know, just a natter really
just to, you know,
how long's it been
since we had a good girly catch up?
Erm...
for ever.
Yeah, yeah it does,
it feels that way, doesn't it?
Yeah. So erm, how is your current
sexual slash romantic partner?
Erm...
What am I like, eh, with the gossip?
No, now listen, I've been thinking
about this for a while and I think
it's time that I do something
that may shake you to the core.
But erm, how attractive
do you think I am?
Look, I think you might have
misread some signals.
No, it's just that you see,
I heard that Middleton House
are looking for a new deputy head
and I would really love
that transfer.
Oh.
Erm, you look...
Handsome.
Oh, really?!
You're not just saying that.
You know...? This...
it's not too much?
No, it's very...
subtle.
Right.
Gosh you know, we should,
we should do this more often. Yep.
Menstruating much at the moment?
Please can I leave?
So how's the old footie thing going?
Oh, not great actually.
I think you should just
call them up and tell them...
Way ahead of you, Alfen Hanson.
The pundit from MOTo'D?
We are not going to play them
at football.
Phh, that's a relief
because we are shit...
We are going to beat them
psychologically.
We may not have the resources
of St Poshington's,
but let's see how they like it
when they come to face to face
with our ghetto hell.
Safe, blood. Matron's ma bitch now.
GLASS SMASHES
Welcome to thug life.
♪ Yeah, yeah let's get down
with the trumpets... ♪
So this match must be quite
a big deal for you.
Chance to pay back those bullies.
I was quite popular at Middleton.
Oh? They used to call me Scratchie.
It was kind of like my DJ name.
I used to spin the tunes
at the raves.
Raves? At Middleton House?
Well, the Hunt Ball.
Out of my way Wickers, thank you.
Any idea why Pickwell's come
dressed as a trannie today?
She's job hunting. She's probably
overdone it with her make-up,
and her suit.
And her dick.
Oh look, here they come.
What?! Look at the state of it!
Swanning in like they own the place.
Although technically I think their
trust does actually own the land.
What a Wickers!
Glad to see that one's er,
stood the test of time.
Terribly sorry old chap,
would you mind awfully throwing us
that ball back?
Go on, old chap.
You don't think
he was talking to you?
Why would he have been? All right!
OK, lazy.
What a Wickers!
Well, well, well, well, well.
If it isn't Alfie Wickers.
You spineless little tag-nut. Sir.
The vilest dingle-berry it was
ever my misfortune to pluck.
Remind me, what was it we used to
call you? "Scratchie" wasn't it?
Because...
Stress-induced Eczema.
He used to sit in class scratching
himself like a junkie.
I can't wait to stick it
to your bunch of benefit scrounging
gutter monkeys.
Now, who's the limp-dick
in command here anyway?
I am. Who is? Scratchie is.
Scratchie is what?
Scratchie is the limp dick in charge
of the benefit scrounging
gutter monkeys. Sir.
What's that man's problem?
Basically, something happened
between me and him
when I was in second year,
but I'd rather not talk about it.
Why not? Because it's embarrassing.
Because I'm a man.
Y'know I'd rather just keep
it a secret.
Oh my God!
Oh Alfie, I'm so sorry.
That's so brave of you.
Well, it's really no biggie.
Y'know, shit happens.
Was there no-one you could
talk to about it?
Well, you know, I guess
if I had really wanted to,
I could have gone
to confession but...
Confession?
Yeah, Middleton House was Catholic.
Yeah, course it was.
Oh, Alfie. Poor thing.
Poor little thing.
Remember, whatever we wear,
wherever we go,
yes means yes and no means no.
Cup of rosie lea, my old lover.
Darjeeling. Two sugars.
I'm Head of Maths.
Good. Then you won't cock up
the sugars, will you?
Everything OK?
It will be once Hopalong Haversham
takes it up a gear with my tea.
You must be Mr Humpage.
Pickwell's the name. Deputy Head
here, but you can call me Isobel.
Isobel? What was it before Isambard?
Did you pick it yourself?
No, my parents chose it.
You're parents are supporting this?
Are they liberals, are they?
May I take you on a small
guided tour of...
Yes! What don't you show me
round this spittoon of pig shit.
There's a good lad.
I would be honoured. So um, tell me
exactly what position do you hold
at Middleton House.
High tutor of Sports
and Grand Master of Dragon House.
Oh wow, that's very impressive.
Well,
it's one below Supreme High Wizard.
Sounds a bit like the Ku Klux Klan.
Yes, we also wear the hoods.
Nothing else but...
♪ Dressed, dressed
♪ Ya, listen, dress for the occasion
♪ And surrounded by a table
full of patron
♪ Not enough to go round... ♪
Looks like those public school kids
be bare bricking it, d'you get me.
Really?
♪ There's a name for people like me
♪ There's a name for people
like me
♪ You can stereotype
There's a name for people like me
♪ There's a name for people like me
You can stereotype
♪ Yeah, people like me, there's
a name for people like me... ♪
Unbelievable.
Here we have the jewel in our crown,
our computer block. Ta dah!
Ooh, impressive!
Reminds me of the set up we used
to have before the damn things went
missing last year.
No doubt pilfered by some oik
to help fund scratch cards
and popcorn chicken.
Oh, never mind.
We soon replaced them -
raffled off one of our Rembrandts.
Well, it must be very rewarding
working at somewhere
like Middleton House.
You know what I like about
you "Isobel"?
You're a straight shooter.
You wear your dick on your sleeve.
No, it's just, it's just..
No, we could use a chap
like you at our place,
especially since Watkins succumbed
to the er, old teachers' curse.
Oh, depression? Gout.
There's only so much fois gras
a gentleman can take.
I'd be happy to put you
forward for the job.
How's that tickle your knackers?
Oh, they are tickled.
You must know something.
Talk to me, Kammy.
'At which point Alan McInally
let out a massive fart.
'Me and Charlie Nicholas
were in fits.
'But Stelling, he never broke
stride. What a professional!'
Unbelievable, Jeff.
Look, guys,
it doesn't matter who they are,
or how much better
they are than you.
When you get out there,
it's ten against ten,
and anything can happen.
You mean eleven.
Yeah, eleven.
It's eleven.
You can do it!
"You can do it!"
Owww.
You...
twat!
You pig.
We need to do a goal, guys.
♪ Say eat my goal
Eat my goal
♪ Looking for a saviour to save ya
From a lack of knowledge
♪ This little fella won't get you
through college
♪ No, no ask me about summer so
Let everybody in the house say...
Cowardly.
Do a header!
♪ To play sport and to forget to call
their mums on the telephone
♪ Use some bass, lower the tone
♪ Lower the tone
Don't ask me cos me not know!
♪ Say Ho ho
♪ Say Ho wo Ho wo
♪ Eat my goal... ♪
Do a goal!
MAKES FLAT NOTE
This is rubbish.
GENERAL CHATTER
What? What?
I don't know.
It's just that it looked like you
were going to say something...
I don't know, something deep.
To get us motivated
for the second half.
There's a second half.
Oh my days.
I knew that.
Alfie, a word?
Look, this is ridiculous.
We're playing like, the school
equivalent of Man United,
and one of my team
is in a wheelchair.
He's not even the worst.
He's the only person in the first
half to have won a header.
Look, Alfie.
It's understandable.
Seeing the man again can trigger
suppressed emotions.
Honestly, I'm fine. I'm so over it.
It was so long ago.
I was like fifteen.
Jesus. Look, Alfie,
I know you're traumatised
but remember what I said,
it's not your fault.
Well, it kind of was.
No, Alfie. It's not.
You're the victim.
Say it, "it's not my fault".
It's not my fault
Doesn't that feel better?
Not really. Look I've been thinking,
can't I just throw in the towel?
No. This is more than the match now.
If you win this, you're not
winning for you but all the people
who've had their voices
taken away by beasts like Humpage.
Don't let him win.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
This game does mean a lot.
You can do it! I can.
Come on! I can do it, come on!
OK, people.
Do you want to know what Middleton
House are saying about us right now?
Arseholes! >
They're also saying that we are
just going to bend over and take it.
So they got my group text?
You know, I heard some of them saying
about one of you in particular,
who will remain nameless,
was so ugly,
pathetic and physically deformed,
that they should get
a Pride of Britain award
just for not killing themselves.
Now are we really going to take that?
Or are we, for Joe's sake,
going to say no?
Let's show them.
Quitting is out of the question.
When it gets tough,
we gotta fight some more.
We've gotta fight.
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight for this love! Yeah!
Ready your breakfasts,
and eat hearty,
for tonight we dine in hell.
Let's get out there.
THIS IS SPARTA!
Yeah! Go on!
Rem Dogg's injured.
Puncture.
Can I play second half, Sir?
All right Stephen. You're up!
This is the ball. OK?
Mitchell will pass you the ball
and then you kick it straight
to Grayson.
Understand?
Goal!
Sprinkler.
Do the Sprinkler!
Come on, you tripstoppers!
Come on, Middleton.
Get in!
What's the matter with you?
You hoo!
What's the matter with you...?
The bloke in the wheelchair's
faster than you lot!
♪ Get yer tits out,
get yer tits out...!
Not now.
More goals.. Yes! Inflation!
OK, you want to play?
You want to party?
Right, let's heat this party up,
huh.
Oh ho yeah, Humpage.
I like to party, and I've been to
far hotter parties than this.
In fact, I like to party in a sauna.
Yeah. And I've partied with far
bigger men than you.
I can go all night long.
OK. Come on Middleton.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Come on, Abbey Grove.
Careful, Alfie.
Do him, Sir.
You stupid little quitting
quitting quitter.
QU-IT-TER spells quitter!
Quit, quit, quit...
Wickers quitter. Quitter Wickers.
Wicker, Wicker, Wicker, Wicker.
Quitter, quitter, quitter, quitter,
quitter. All you do it quit.
You're only good for quitting.
Quitter! You quitter!
AMBULANCE SIREN
Wickers, what have you done?
If you have harmed a hair
on his beautiful body.
Wickers. Wickers,
I know I've been harsh, boy,
but I only ever wanted
the best for you.
You've finally got what you
deserved, you pig!
Steady on.
You should be ashamed of yourself
for what you put him through!
What I put him through?
It was his fault.
How dare you say that.
Of course it's not his fault.
He's the victim.
Why do you keep calling me
the victim?
Because you are, Alfie.
Don't you see? Oh God.
Enough is enough.
You've got to accept it.
You are the victim of a rapist.
What? Yes. That's right,
you heard me. You are a rapist.
You raped poor Alfie.
What are you talking about?!
No, I didn't.
Erm, Mr Humpage definitely
didn't rape me.
Where did you get that idea?
Alfie, you said something
went on in the second year.
Yeah. I quit his sports team.
And you were the most promising
student I ever coached.
You could have gone pro.
When you threw it away
it tore me up inside.
Hang on. You said you didn't want
to talk about it
cos for a man it's embarrassing
but there's nothing embarrassing
about quitting the football team.
Erm, wait, er, what sport
are we talking about here?
Weight lifting. Irish dancing.
THEY ALL SNIGGER
You should have seen his soft
shoe hornpipe.
We had such plans.
First, we'd take Broadway,
then the world.
I mean, who else had ever thought
of a show consisting entirely
of Irish dancing?
The day you turned your back
on dance was the day you
shattered my dreams!
Ooh...
Oh gosh.
I'm sorry.
Right, get the ambulance.
My future job prospects
could be dying here.
Do it for me, Alfie. One more time.
Before I go.
I couldn't, I can't.
I haven't warmed up.
I might pull something.
Go on, Alfie.
I can't wait to see this.
Sir, do it. Sir, do it.
Just one last time.
So, that's it really.
Don't know why I gave it up.
Gay!
Oh yeah. That's why.
Not bad, but it lacked a little
panache. Let's go again.
And that's the other.
Match abandoned. It's a draw.
n-word?
Shush, Fraser! You've ruined it.
What the Harry Hill? Are you...?
Conducting a seance? Yes.
It's interactive learning.
Hold yer Ouija boards,
because today is the biggest day
in the school sporting calendar!
It's the big footie match
against Middleton House.
Really? Here?
Yes, but you can understand that
they're a little sensitive
after last year -
16 of their state-of-the-art
Mac Book Pros went missing.
17, actually.
I've just heard that the PE
teacher's going to be
unavailable for the game.
Slightly garbled message from him
saying that he'll either be back
by two or in two to five years.
Something to do with DNA evidence.
And I fit into this how?
I need someone to manage the team.
A chance to stand up to those posho
bullies. Tell them you ain't going
to be eating that biscuit no more.
Not this again. Why does everyone
think I was bullied at Middleton?
Your girly run.
The way you throw.
Your Facebook wall.
I wasn't bullied, all right?
Come on, Alf. It's in the bag.
We're unbeatable this season. We're
like the Invincible Arse-gunners.
You know nothing about football,
do you? No.
Do you know anything about sport?
I like the Red Arrows!
Whoosh! So, whaddya say?
I guess I could.
Right, pack this up.
But Sir, you promised
we could talk to Hitler.
Well, it's not like he's going
anywhere.
Yo! What's up team?
This sesh is all about you getting
to know your new gaffer.
Yeah. The boss man.
The special one.
Il Classico.
Why are you calling us team?
Cos you're my guys, right,
and I thought this match,
perfect opportunity for you to get
involved in the big game.
Hang on, what happened to
the actual football team?
Nothing.
So the last man has to be behind,
and in front, erm,
if it's two of them it goes to
deadlock and then it's done
on public vote.
Yep. That, that's the offside rule
in a nutshell.
I can't believe you were
ostracised by the entire first team.
Ostracised. "Oh, my name's Joe
and I use long words."
Hang about,
ain't there a second team?
Yeah.
Bwarch! Guys! bawrch!
Look, sometimes it's good to have
a little re-jig of the team.
I mean, look at...
The Sugababes.
You know jack shit about football.
Well, Mitchell, if you came
to my bedroom there is a certain
Goonersaurus duvet
that would beg to differ.
Did you just invite me
to your bedroom?
I'll play. Great. You play?
She's had one-on-ones with
some of the game's big names.
And a couple of two-on-ones.
Who? A lady never breaks
a super-injunction.
OK. Jing, you in?
Bring the team some of that
unflappable Far Eastern work ethic.
It's not a national sport
but there's that fella
that plays for United.
Yeah, that's his name, so...?
Not in a million years.
Come on. One of you must want
to play?
I'm pretty good at football.
Yeah, he is.
He's just like Ashley Cole.
That's very sweet
but don't be silly.
But we all know the only reason
you want us to play this stupid game
is to get back at your old school
for bullying ya.
Why does everyone assume
that I would be a victim of bullies?
Oi, dick wad! Hello, Grayson.
What's my position?
You... you want to play?
I'll play for this team
all right, Downton, but only cos
I want to hospitalize some toffs.
This doesn't mean we're mates,
and I still think you're a piece.
Great, um, but, I thought you
weren't allowed to play.
Yeah, well I'm back now, innit.
Finished serving my ban.
Why were you banned?
Off the ball incident.
What was it? Two footed tackle?
Arson. Right. Good.
See, that is exactly the kind
of passion that I'm looking for.
I think I've found myself a skipper.
So, who else wants to join
the revolution with me
and my buddy Frank?
You call me that again
and I'll firebomb your shed.
Me and my colleague here,
Mr Grayson.
We're going to get dicked on.
No-one?
Please, I'm desperate.
What have I got to do to
convince you to play?
PHONE RINGS
ALFIE VOICEMAIL GREETING:
"Hi, you're through
to Alfie Wickers.
"Sorry I can't
take your call right now
"but I'm busy cracking one out
to Loose Women.
"No, not Vorderman or McLean.
"I am...
"stiffin' for McGiffin.
"Please leave a message
after the tone."
All right then, deal.
OK right, time to hit the pitch.
I want to see what you've
got in your lockers.
A flare gun and some porn.
Not yours.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Erm, you wanted to see me?
Ah yes, Ms Gulliver.
Rosie. Do come in.
So, what's this about?
Ah, you know, just a natter really
just to, you know,
how long's it been
since we had a good girly catch up?
Erm...
for ever.
Yeah, yeah it does,
it feels that way, doesn't it?
Yeah. So erm, how is your current
sexual slash romantic partner?
Erm...
What am I like, eh, with the gossip?
No, now listen, I've been thinking
about this for a while and I think
it's time that I do something
that may shake you to the core.
But erm, how attractive
do you think I am?
Look, I think you might have
misread some signals.
No, it's just that you see,
I heard that Middleton House
are looking for a new deputy head
and I would really love
that transfer.
Oh.
Erm, you look...
Handsome.
Oh, really?!
You're not just saying that.
You know...? This...
it's not too much?
No, it's very...
subtle.
Right.
Gosh you know, we should,
we should do this more often. Yep.
Menstruating much at the moment?
Please can I leave?
So how's the old footie thing going?
Oh, not great actually.
I think you should just
call them up and tell them...
Way ahead of you, Alfen Hanson.
The pundit from MOTo'D?
We are not going to play them
at football.
Phh, that's a relief
because we are shit...
We are going to beat them
psychologically.
We may not have the resources
of St Poshington's,
but let's see how they like it
when they come to face to face
with our ghetto hell.
Safe, blood. Matron's ma bitch now.
GLASS SMASHES
Welcome to thug life.
♪ Yeah, yeah let's get down
with the trumpets... ♪
So this match must be quite
a big deal for you.
Chance to pay back those bullies.
I was quite popular at Middleton.
Oh? They used to call me Scratchie.
It was kind of like my DJ name.
I used to spin the tunes
at the raves.
Raves? At Middleton House?
Well, the Hunt Ball.
Out of my way Wickers, thank you.
Any idea why Pickwell's come
dressed as a trannie today?
She's job hunting. She's probably
overdone it with her make-up,
and her suit.
And her dick.
Oh look, here they come.
What?! Look at the state of it!
Swanning in like they own the place.
Although technically I think their
trust does actually own the land.
What a Wickers!
Glad to see that one's er,
stood the test of time.
Terribly sorry old chap,
would you mind awfully throwing us
that ball back?
Go on, old chap.
You don't think
he was talking to you?
Why would he have been? All right!
OK, lazy.
What a Wickers!
Well, well, well, well, well.
If it isn't Alfie Wickers.
You spineless little tag-nut. Sir.
The vilest dingle-berry it was
ever my misfortune to pluck.
Remind me, what was it we used to
call you? "Scratchie" wasn't it?
Because...
Stress-induced Eczema.
He used to sit in class scratching
himself like a junkie.
I can't wait to stick it
to your bunch of benefit scrounging
gutter monkeys.
Now, who's the limp-dick
in command here anyway?
I am. Who is? Scratchie is.
Scratchie is what?
Scratchie is the limp dick in charge
of the benefit scrounging
gutter monkeys. Sir.
What's that man's problem?
Basically, something happened
between me and him
when I was in second year,
but I'd rather not talk about it.
Why not? Because it's embarrassing.
Because I'm a man.
Y'know I'd rather just keep
it a secret.
Oh my God!
Oh Alfie, I'm so sorry.
That's so brave of you.
Well, it's really no biggie.
Y'know, shit happens.
Was there no-one you could
talk to about it?
Well, you know, I guess
if I had really wanted to,
I could have gone
to confession but...
Confession?
Yeah, Middleton House was Catholic.
Yeah, course it was.
Oh, Alfie. Poor thing.
Poor little thing.
Remember, whatever we wear,
wherever we go,
yes means yes and no means no.
Cup of rosie lea, my old lover.
Darjeeling. Two sugars.
I'm Head of Maths.
Good. Then you won't cock up
the sugars, will you?
Everything OK?
It will be once Hopalong Haversham
takes it up a gear with my tea.
You must be Mr Humpage.
Pickwell's the name. Deputy Head
here, but you can call me Isobel.
Isobel? What was it before Isambard?
Did you pick it yourself?
No, my parents chose it.
You're parents are supporting this?
Are they liberals, are they?
May I take you on a small
guided tour of...
Yes! What don't you show me
round this spittoon of pig shit.
There's a good lad.
I would be honoured. So um, tell me
exactly what position do you hold
at Middleton House.
High tutor of Sports
and Grand Master of Dragon House.
Oh wow, that's very impressive.
Well,
it's one below Supreme High Wizard.
Sounds a bit like the Ku Klux Klan.
Yes, we also wear the hoods.
Nothing else but...
♪ Dressed, dressed
♪ Ya, listen, dress for the occasion
♪ And surrounded by a table
full of patron
♪ Not enough to go round... ♪
Looks like those public school kids
be bare bricking it, d'you get me.
Really?
♪ There's a name for people like me
♪ There's a name for people
like me
♪ You can stereotype
There's a name for people like me
♪ There's a name for people like me
You can stereotype
♪ Yeah, people like me, there's
a name for people like me... ♪
Unbelievable.
Here we have the jewel in our crown,
our computer block. Ta dah!
Ooh, impressive!
Reminds me of the set up we used
to have before the damn things went
missing last year.
No doubt pilfered by some oik
to help fund scratch cards
and popcorn chicken.
Oh, never mind.
We soon replaced them -
raffled off one of our Rembrandts.
Well, it must be very rewarding
working at somewhere
like Middleton House.
You know what I like about
you "Isobel"?
You're a straight shooter.
You wear your dick on your sleeve.
No, it's just, it's just..
No, we could use a chap
like you at our place,
especially since Watkins succumbed
to the er, old teachers' curse.
Oh, depression? Gout.
There's only so much fois gras
a gentleman can take.
I'd be happy to put you
forward for the job.
How's that tickle your knackers?
Oh, they are tickled.
You must know something.
Talk to me, Kammy.
'At which point Alan McInally
let out a massive fart.
'Me and Charlie Nicholas
were in fits.
'But Stelling, he never broke
stride. What a professional!'
Unbelievable, Jeff.
Look, guys,
it doesn't matter who they are,
or how much better
they are than you.
When you get out there,
it's ten against ten,
and anything can happen.
You mean eleven.
Yeah, eleven.
It's eleven.
You can do it!
"You can do it!"
Owww.
You...
twat!
You pig.
We need to do a goal, guys.
♪ Say eat my goal
Eat my goal
♪ Looking for a saviour to save ya
From a lack of knowledge
♪ This little fella won't get you
through college
♪ No, no ask me about summer so
Let everybody in the house say...
Cowardly.
Do a header!
♪ To play sport and to forget to call
their mums on the telephone
♪ Use some bass, lower the tone
♪ Lower the tone
Don't ask me cos me not know!
♪ Say Ho ho
♪ Say Ho wo Ho wo
♪ Eat my goal... ♪
Do a goal!
MAKES FLAT NOTE
This is rubbish.
GENERAL CHATTER
What? What?
I don't know.
It's just that it looked like you
were going to say something...
I don't know, something deep.
To get us motivated
for the second half.
There's a second half.
Oh my days.
I knew that.
Alfie, a word?
Look, this is ridiculous.
We're playing like, the school
equivalent of Man United,
and one of my team
is in a wheelchair.
He's not even the worst.
He's the only person in the first
half to have won a header.
Look, Alfie.
It's understandable.
Seeing the man again can trigger
suppressed emotions.
Honestly, I'm fine. I'm so over it.
It was so long ago.
I was like fifteen.
Jesus. Look, Alfie,
I know you're traumatised
but remember what I said,
it's not your fault.
Well, it kind of was.
No, Alfie. It's not.
You're the victim.
Say it, "it's not my fault".
It's not my fault
Doesn't that feel better?
Not really. Look I've been thinking,
can't I just throw in the towel?
No. This is more than the match now.
If you win this, you're not
winning for you but all the people
who've had their voices
taken away by beasts like Humpage.
Don't let him win.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
This game does mean a lot.
You can do it! I can.
Come on! I can do it, come on!
OK, people.
Do you want to know what Middleton
House are saying about us right now?
Arseholes! >
They're also saying that we are
just going to bend over and take it.
So they got my group text?
You know, I heard some of them saying
about one of you in particular,
who will remain nameless,
was so ugly,
pathetic and physically deformed,
that they should get
a Pride of Britain award
just for not killing themselves.
Now are we really going to take that?
Or are we, for Joe's sake,
going to say no?
Let's show them.
Quitting is out of the question.
When it gets tough,
we gotta fight some more.
We've gotta fight.
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight for this love! Yeah!
Ready your breakfasts,
and eat hearty,
for tonight we dine in hell.
Let's get out there.
THIS IS SPARTA!
Yeah! Go on!
Rem Dogg's injured.
Puncture.
Can I play second half, Sir?
All right Stephen. You're up!
This is the ball. OK?
Mitchell will pass you the ball
and then you kick it straight
to Grayson.
Understand?
Goal!
Sprinkler.
Do the Sprinkler!
Come on, you tripstoppers!
Come on, Middleton.
Get in!
What's the matter with you?
You hoo!
What's the matter with you...?
The bloke in the wheelchair's
faster than you lot!
♪ Get yer tits out,
get yer tits out...!
Not now.
More goals.. Yes! Inflation!
OK, you want to play?
You want to party?
Right, let's heat this party up,
huh.
Oh ho yeah, Humpage.
I like to party, and I've been to
far hotter parties than this.
In fact, I like to party in a sauna.
Yeah. And I've partied with far
bigger men than you.
I can go all night long.
OK. Come on Middleton.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Come on, Abbey Grove.
Careful, Alfie.
Do him, Sir.
You stupid little quitting
quitting quitter.
QU-IT-TER spells quitter!
Quit, quit, quit...
Wickers quitter. Quitter Wickers.
Wicker, Wicker, Wicker, Wicker.
Quitter, quitter, quitter, quitter,
quitter. All you do it quit.
You're only good for quitting.
Quitter! You quitter!
AMBULANCE SIREN
Wickers, what have you done?
If you have harmed a hair
on his beautiful body.
Wickers. Wickers,
I know I've been harsh, boy,
but I only ever wanted
the best for you.
You've finally got what you
deserved, you pig!
Steady on.
You should be ashamed of yourself
for what you put him through!
What I put him through?
It was his fault.
How dare you say that.
Of course it's not his fault.
He's the victim.
Why do you keep calling me
the victim?
Because you are, Alfie.
Don't you see? Oh God.
Enough is enough.
You've got to accept it.
You are the victim of a rapist.
What? Yes. That's right,
you heard me. You are a rapist.
You raped poor Alfie.
What are you talking about?!
No, I didn't.
Erm, Mr Humpage definitely
didn't rape me.
Where did you get that idea?
Alfie, you said something
went on in the second year.
Yeah. I quit his sports team.
And you were the most promising
student I ever coached.
You could have gone pro.
When you threw it away
it tore me up inside.
Hang on. You said you didn't want
to talk about it
cos for a man it's embarrassing
but there's nothing embarrassing
about quitting the football team.
Erm, wait, er, what sport
are we talking about here?
Weight lifting. Irish dancing.
THEY ALL SNIGGER
You should have seen his soft
shoe hornpipe.
We had such plans.
First, we'd take Broadway,
then the world.
I mean, who else had ever thought
of a show consisting entirely
of Irish dancing?
The day you turned your back
on dance was the day you
shattered my dreams!
Ooh...
Oh gosh.
I'm sorry.
Right, get the ambulance.
My future job prospects
could be dying here.
Do it for me, Alfie. One more time.
Before I go.
I couldn't, I can't.
I haven't warmed up.
I might pull something.
Go on, Alfie.
I can't wait to see this.
Sir, do it. Sir, do it.
Just one last time.
So, that's it really.
Don't know why I gave it up.
Gay!
Oh yeah. That's why.
Not bad, but it lacked a little
panache. Let's go again.
And that's the other.
Match abandoned. It's a draw.