Bad Education (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Self-Defence - full transcript
Violent computer game Tokyo Sin is all the rage and the pupils are copying its most dangerous move,the blitz kick. To impress Miss Gulliver Alfie aims to stamp out the craze by declaring a weapons amnesty,bribing his class to bring weapons to school,though none are forthcoming. When an outbreak of blitz kicks attracts bad press publicity Fraser brings in a crazed South African self defence teacher to show the pupils how to prevent a fight. This involves Alfie as his guinea pig,requiring the class to rescue him.
Listen, guys, concentrate.
It's important you remember this.
Get ready. She's coming.
In three, two...
Oh, Captain, my Captain.
Guys. Come on.
- They do this every time I try and go to the loo.
- Staff room.
- It's a date.
- It's a staff meeting.
Oi, sir, man! You said you
were going to help me down!
I want your clothes, your books
and your attention, please.
Mollinson, Mollinson.
It's just a line from a film.
Now, it turns out I was wrong about
the ban on religious symbols in schools.
That law applies to France only.
My bad!
So, if any of the pupils want
to reclaim their possessions,
I've got 13 crucifixes,
three skullcaps,
and Samira Habsi's burqa.
Mr Habsi exploded.
Not like that.
Although, to apologise
for my misreading of his faith,
I've sent him a bottle of wine
and a hock of ham.
Fraser, can I raise something?
I read this in Metro this morning.
Oh, my God! You read Metro?
I read Metro, too. That is so weird.
It says there's this video game
that kids are getting obsessed with.
Tokyo Sin SS - Dead Light District.
According to this,
the child plays a ninja who hunts
down and murders Nazi prostitutes.
Is it free world or platform?
Kids are copying the moves,
beating each other up
in the playground, doing karate.
- Bukkake?
- Karate.
You're so deaf.
Ban the game, kill the virus.
I agree with Isabelle.
Whilst we're at it, why
don't we ban those wheelie shoes?
I smacked a boy on the head,
he shot off down the corridor,
went straight through
a plate glass window.
I no longer agree with Isabelle.
Other schools are tough
on violence. Look at St Stephen's!
- They had a weapons amnesty.
- Re-to-the-wind.
Someone call Shaggy and tell him
it was me on the bathroom floor.
Oh, Jesus wept!
if we can't help them
kick the habit.
What? You're not seriously
considering buying the game?
I think our budget
can stretch to that.
Ooh, can it stretch to FIFA?
This is work, Alfie. When you're at
home you can play whatever you want.
My husband and I play with Wee.
Oh, you're on Nintendo?
What's Nintendo?
Meeting adjourned.
Hey. So, about that amnesty thing.
I was thinking that we should do
one of them here, me and you.
What, at Abbey Grove? Do you think
it's that bad, really?
Yeah.
I keep you shielded from it
but it's a jungle out there.
- OK, our kids have weapons?
- Yeah. Mitchell, Joe, Rem Dogg...
The boy in the wheelchair?
He's the worst. He's got, like,
spikes that he puts
on his hub caps like in Ben-Hur.
Well, I do think an amnesty
could be a good idea.
Ooh, I know.
- I could get our amnesty some press.
- Press?
- I've got a contact at the Observer.
- Ooh, the Observer?
The Watford Observer.
I used to hook up
with a page three girl there.
The Watford Observer
doesn't have a page three.
Well, her article about me
was on page three.
- Why were you in the press?
- Broke my leg
playing human chess.
- Sorry, you broke your leg...
- So, the amnesty, we're going to need a venue.
- Now I was thinking...
- Canteen?
Nando's. A little wing roulette.
Two sides, macho peas, the rice.
Maybe a movie afterwards
to celebrate?
I'll see if the canteen's free.
Suit yourself.
Hey, the press are going
to love this, aren't they?
Little celebrity power couple,
changing the world for the better.
Brangelina, Bennifer...
- Rudy.
- Who's Rudy?
Richard and Judy.
I'll see you at lunch, Alfie.
Please don't book Nando's.
I won't. I couldn't.
I've tried.
They don't take bookings.
Their chicken's first come,
first served, baby.
Not my class.
OK, guys, there's something very
important that I need you to do.
- Ooh, thanks.
- No problem. It's on the house.
Because that's what friends do,
isn't it?
They buy things for each other.
You all look knackered.
Have you had another party
that I wasn't invited to?
- They've all been playing Tokyo Sin.
- Yes, bruv, Tokyo Sin is dench!
Hang on, hands up
if you've got this game.
Typical, Joe, the only one of my crew
with a little bit of sense.
It's just that it's an 18
and my mum won't buy it for me.
If only I had an adult friend
who owed me big time.
Sir, Tokyo Sin is just a craze.
You don't get crazes,
though, do you, sir?
You're older than that condom
you got in your wallet.
Sir didn't get crazes, cos
he went to a posh boys school.
Too busy playing quidditch
with David Cameron.
Right, I didn't go to Hogwarts.
And look, for the record,
we had crazes too.
Yeah. Pogs.
Mmm, now there was a craze.
Who remembers Pogs?
Pogs!
Oh, you missed out!
Pogs were amazing.
You had these little cardboard
discs, right,
and you piled them up into a tower,
and then with another
cardboard disc you'd chuck it
at the pile of cardboard discs,
and it...
I'm going to accept
that Pogs has not aged well.
Stephen, no offence, but this game,
is it your kind of thing?
Nazis in fishnets?
It's just like Cabaret.
Chantelle, you're a girl...
Who meets guys on the online
multiplayer. Look me up.
My name's Jailbait. All one word.
And I've got webcam.
Blocked.
- See? I'm the only one.
- You is missing out, fam.
Anyone done blitz kick yet,
the finisher move?
You kick 'em in the head - whah -
head explodes - boom -
brains everywhere!
Course I have, I got bare tekkers.
Yeah, but you play it on PC,
don't ya? That shit is old.
Where'd you find it?
Your nan's vadge?
Least my sister ain't lesbian.
- She ain't lesbian. She goes to university.
- And?
- Everybody knows university's for lesbos!
- Do one, Gran Turismo!
Oh, you two, stop flirting.
When I was your age I had an N64.
And that had far better games on it
than Tokyo Sin.
Zelda...
What you do in that? Dress up like
a bender and play the flute?
It was an ocarina.
Oh, wow, an ocarina.
Bet that helped you get the ladies.
Yeah, it did actually, Mitchell.
Maybe I should
lend it to your sister.
Told!
Look, the point is, you're all very
young and impressionable
and a game like this is dangerous
because it is encouraging you to be violent.
That said, I am going to need you
to get hold of some weapons -
bats, flick knives, chains.
Think outside the box.
Bring anything you find into lunch.
Ow.
Yes, Mr. Habsi, I understand.
Shalom.
No, that's the other ones, isn't it?
Mazel tov? Hello?
Alfie!
Alfred the Great, son of Aethelwulf,
and Osburga of Oslac, Thane of Wessex.
I see you've
been on Wikipedia again.
Look, I thought everyone was
over-reacting, but they're right.
All of my class are playing
that game.
That's why I've been
raping my brain.
It's "racking my brain."
- Is the Pope Hindu?
- No.
How do you stop a craze?
Invent a craze to replace it.
- Do you?
- Right. Take a seat, dragon.
Dragon?
Next into the den is Fraser,
who wants investment
for his ingenious crazes for kids.
First up, tattoos.
Tattoos?
They're a victimless crime
and potentially educational!
The kids could get a map
of the world, the periodic table,
or Picasso's Guernica.
Yeah. I suspect some of
the parents might object.
- Say it, then.
- Say what?
- You've seen Dragons' Den.
- Fraser, we're not on Dragons' Den.
I'm not moving till you say it.
If I say it,
will this all be over quicker?
I'm out.
- Craze two! Kids like animals, right?
- Yeah, I guess.
Franimals.
Animals made from fruit.
Behold, Orange-a-tang
and his jungle wife, Apple-o-tamus.
Ooh-ooh-ooh, ha-ha-ha!
Are...
Right, I'm out. And I'm also leaving.
Zebranana?
You need help.
Die, Nazi bitch!
- Blitz kick!
- Bullshit.
Oh, this is embarrassing.
It's turned Mollinson into even
more of dribbling idiot.
Eat my fist, you ho!
Erm, where's Rosie? Who are you?
I'm Ron. I'm assisting Rosie today.
Well, Ron. I think you'll find Rosie
asked me to assist her.
So you can assist off.
Look, mate. I have to be here.
A licensed weapons expert
must be present.
Well, mate, that is exactly why Rosie
asked me to be present,
because I actually own a gun.
Yeah, don't get much more expert
than that, do you?
- You own a gun?
- Yes, I own a gun, Ron.
It's a Glock.
I bought it off some
Albanians in the pub.
They're always selling me
black market shit - guns, drugs,
a snuff film.
Yeah, so, what heat you packing,
Mr Weapons Expert?
- Standard issue pepper spray.
- Standard issue pepper spray!
What are you, an old woman?
I'm a police officer.
Right.
Good.
I'm sorry. I was lying.
I don't own a gun.
And the Albanians, they sold me,
like, one DVD once.
And I didn't even watch it
all the way through,
cos the quality was so poor.
Do you know what happens
at the end of The Notebook?
So, you've met the sergeant.
Yeah, Ron. My buddy.
I love the police.
Shoot first,
ask questions later, right?
Have you got any weapons?
Not unless you've got a very small
gun in your pocket?
It's not a gun, it's my cock, Ron.
Chantelle, what are you doing?
Fingernails aren't weapons.
Try telling that to Linda Beale.
No-one wears Tulisa's scent
on my turf.
Milk? I'm lactose intolerant.
This one thought it was a funny idea
to spike my soya latte.
- Mitchell made me do it.
- That's chemical warfare!
Yes, but it's not a weapon.
A trace of dairy and I go from
Will Smith to Seal,
quicker than you can say,
"Kiss from a rose."
- What are you wearing?
- Ninja mask, innit?
Make them out of old T-shirts.
Take it off.
What have you got to hand in?
Oh, here we go.
- This is your science homework.
- Knowledge is power, sir.
If I become a brilliant scientist,
I could destroy the whole
world, in the flick of a switch.
The only thing you could contribute
to science is your body.
Now, go away.
Macaroni cheese? Get that plate
away from me.
Why, Glee?
I have an allergy.
That plate could kill me.
That was a mistake.
Mac attack!
My face!
♪ Love remained a drug
♪ That's the high and not the pill
♪ But did you know that when it snows
♪ My eyes become large
♪ And the light that
you shine can be seen... ♪
Consider yourself blitzed!
♪ Baby
♪ I compare you to
a kiss from a rose on the grey
♪ Now that your rose is in bloom
♪ A light hits the gloom on the
grey... ♪ Erm, excuse me. Excuse me.
How dare you use
physical violence like this?
It's cowardly. Cowardly.
These ninja masks
are totally against school rules.
So, off with their heads.
What are we going
to do about the newspaper?
Oh, I was thinking we could appease
them, give them a replacement story.
"Injured Human Chess Boy
in Miracle Recovery."
I was thinking we ask them back
and explain we're taking steps
to teach conflict resolution.
- Yeah. That might be a better idea.
- How do we yabba-dabba-do that?
I spoke to Ron.
He's trained in self-defence.
Not that police doofus.
We could do
a demonstration for the kids.
He's such an interesting guy.
He was showing me some of his holds.
He's so strong,
yet so soft at the same time.
- Sounds like a toilet roll.
- Preet!
There's a guy at my gym
who teaches self-defence.
He'd be perfect.
The kids would love him.
Fraser, were not having
some random guy from your gym.
Alfie's right.
Ron's more qualified.
But I mean, if you say
this Preet guy's a professional...
I mean, he would probably be
better than Sergeant Andrex.
OK. Miss G, You get on to the paper,
I'll give my guy a tinkle.
How does that sound, yeah?
Samira, I am so sorry.
Oh, my God.
Please don't tell your father.
'Violence is everywhere.
So how do you protect yourself?
'This is Loretta, your
typical all-American woman.
'She's standing outside a jazz club
'but she's about to have a run-in
with some jazz lovers.'
'If your attacker tries
to blind you, raise your hand
'up to the bridge of your nose
to disable the gouge.
'Well done, Loretta.
'But next time, play it safe
and stick to Country and Western.
'And where's Loretta now?
'She's watching some brothers
shooting hoops in the Projects.
'If an attacker comes from behind,
'scrape down on their shin
with the heel of your stiletto.
'Not this time, Germaine. Try
slam dunking the funk after that.
'And remember, on November 8th...'
So, I would ignore all of that.
What you have to remember is,
that video was made in a time
when people were...
racist.
- Then why did you show it to us?
- Because, Jing,
teachers live by an
ancient code as old as time.
Which is?
If you're out of your depth,
put on a video.
Look, what Stephen did
in the canteen wasn't cool.
Well, it was. Grayson's a prick.
Agreed. But you
can't lash out like that.
What if someone's giving you beef?
Turning the other cheek
will always be the best policy.
Like Neville Chamberlain
did with Hitler?
Why do you only ever
remember history to prove me wrong?
Yes, Jing. And Tiananmen Square.
Look, what is the deadliest
animal on the planet?
A tiger.
No, the human being. We're all
biologically conditioned to fight.
The deadliest weapon on the planet
is the human brain.
OK, so that Stewart Hawkins bloke.
He's the brainiest guy
in the world, right?
Stephen Hawking. Yeah, but...
If he's so deadly, who'd win
a fight between him and a tiger?
Well, the tiger, obviously.
- So he's not the deadliest.
- That's not the point.
What about him versus a shark?
- The shark.
- What, even on dry land?
No, I guess on dry land
the shark would probably dry out.
I can't believe
I'm even playing this game.
Look, there are plenty of animals
that could kill Stephen Hawking.
- Like a badger?
- Yes, a badger probably would.
- How, though?
- I don't know.
Bite him, give him TB.
Mr Wickers,
I'm just returning Stephen.
- Did you apologise to Grayson?
- I told him to swivel.
See, proof that everything
can be resolved with words.
What about Israel and Palestine?
Oh, stop learning.
Mr Wickers, can I
bum a dime of your time?
Jing, er...
Take over.
- Stay down.
- What the hell?
Cease and desist. Cease and desist.
All right, I desist.
Please, just let me go.
- Classic!
- What the hell is going on?
Absolutely classic. Alfie,
this is Preet from my gym.
Hi bro, pleasure.
Preet Van Der Plessiss.
What is this?
This is your very own
personal safety guru.
I like this moffie, Frase. Spunky.
- You putt from the rough, yah?
- What?
Do you take it in the karoo?
You're a biltong-er?
A kak-goofer?
No, I'm messing, bro.
No, no, I'm here to show your kids
how to bring the fire to a brawl.
He means prevent a fight.
Or maybe paralyse a woman.
I told you, Alf.
Preet changed my life.
Yah, Teach here may look like
a scrawny sack of shit and bones
- but I've turned him into a cobra.
- Ssssss.
Yeah, well, having thought
about it, I think my kids'll be fine.
Are they though, bro?
If I cammoed up and broke into
your class with a hunting knife,
would you take me down before
I butchered a kiddie or two?
I'm messing, bro. No, no, no.
Fraser, is this man even
allowed near children?
I mean, has he got a CRB check?
Alf, I've paid for
Preet's time and he's serious bunce.
Would you at least consider it?
Is this one of these
things where you ask me
for permission for something that's
definitely happening anyway?
Yes.
Great, well I'll unload
the van. You got crash mats?
Crash mats?
Yah, I need to show them
how to deal with anything.
You're a filthy, dick-licking
piece of bokke shit.
But I like you.
I really, really like you.
He always does that.
OK, listen up, you
rag-tag pack of cocksuckers.
Right, OK. Can we just
reign in the homophobia a little
in front of the children?
Yeah, keep your plug in,
dick tickler!
So, personal safety. Who wants to
know how to throw a one-inch punch?
- Yes, bruv.
- Obviously, we won't be doing that
as this class is about
avoiding violent situations.
Now, all you need to win
in a fight is...that.
- Head butts.
- Thinking!
Preet is going to help you identify
the danger signs, aren't you, Preet?
- How to spot trouble.
- Yah, racial profiling.
It used to just be Blacks,
now Asians are tricky too.
That's inappropriate. Um, shall we...
OK. Volunteers. Who wants to dance?
Me! Me! Me! Me!
I will do it. Aw, sir...
OK, butt stuffer.
Here's your kit.
I'm not getting changed.
Fine.
Wheels, you're up.
OK, I'm going. I'm going.
Yah, that's better, puss.
Now you're ready to play with Daddy.
Right. Um... Now, it is
very important to remember
that we are not condoning violence.
What we are going to show you now
is absolutely the last resort.
The choke hold.
And for some real fun,
jab the windpipe.
Right, Podge, you're in
the shower room.
This fudge-tunneller creeps in.
Think quick, what you gonna do?
Er, turn the other cheek?
In the shower?
No, bro, he wants that.
- You want to get him in his yam yams.
- Not my yam yams...
Please let go.
Get up, you prawn.
No. I will!
Mitchell, remember what I said.
The mind is the strongest weapon
that there is.
Wrong. Teach here has clearly
never felt a riot baton.
- Why did you do that?
- TIA, bro. This is Africa.
It's not, it's Hertfordshire.
Next step. Stukkie,
can I borrow your high heels?
No. Sir said to seek
a peaceful solution.
And anyway,
these are New Look.
Fine, we'll skip the full frontal
and move straight to the Taser.
What?
What?! Taser? No way!
No, no. Hey, pass me
the Taser, bro, come on.
I'm gonna neutralise
this cock-knocker.
He'll not be getting
his tongue on my sugar.
Stephen, no! Please,
someone, help!
But sir, you've been
telling us not to!
I was wrong.
A hundred percent, definitely wrong.
- Cease and desist!
- Joe!
Shit.
What?
He was a prick!
'Can we get a picture please, mate?
This way. It's for The Observer.'
So, looks like our weapons
amnesty worked out after all.
Yeah.
What happened though?
Well, you know I'm a pacifist
so when he started attacking me,
I set an example to all
of the kids by non-violently
soaking up all
of his negative energy.
Oh, wow. That's so great.
That takes real strength...
- Then I tasered him.
- Oh. Thank God Ron was here.
'Sorry guys, can we get
one of you two together, please?
'Over here, come on, chaps!'
- Oh! Picture.
- 'Thank you very much. Lovely.'
Alfie? Look, I'm sorry.
- No. I've thought about what you said.
- So have I.
And I've broken
every rule in the book,
but I didn't want you being left out.
- Alfie...
- Don't worry about it.
Well, no, it's not that.
It's just that
Tokyo Sin isn't cool any more.
Ain't you heard, Grandad?
It's all about Murder Blade.
Murder Blade? That sounds even worse.
Basically, you've got these little
cardboard squares, then you pile 'em up,
then you throw more little cardboard
squares at the little cardboard squares.
But...
That's just Pogs!
It's important you remember this.
Get ready. She's coming.
In three, two...
Oh, Captain, my Captain.
Guys. Come on.
- They do this every time I try and go to the loo.
- Staff room.
- It's a date.
- It's a staff meeting.
Oi, sir, man! You said you
were going to help me down!
I want your clothes, your books
and your attention, please.
Mollinson, Mollinson.
It's just a line from a film.
Now, it turns out I was wrong about
the ban on religious symbols in schools.
That law applies to France only.
My bad!
So, if any of the pupils want
to reclaim their possessions,
I've got 13 crucifixes,
three skullcaps,
and Samira Habsi's burqa.
Mr Habsi exploded.
Not like that.
Although, to apologise
for my misreading of his faith,
I've sent him a bottle of wine
and a hock of ham.
Fraser, can I raise something?
I read this in Metro this morning.
Oh, my God! You read Metro?
I read Metro, too. That is so weird.
It says there's this video game
that kids are getting obsessed with.
Tokyo Sin SS - Dead Light District.
According to this,
the child plays a ninja who hunts
down and murders Nazi prostitutes.
Is it free world or platform?
Kids are copying the moves,
beating each other up
in the playground, doing karate.
- Bukkake?
- Karate.
You're so deaf.
Ban the game, kill the virus.
I agree with Isabelle.
Whilst we're at it, why
don't we ban those wheelie shoes?
I smacked a boy on the head,
he shot off down the corridor,
went straight through
a plate glass window.
I no longer agree with Isabelle.
Other schools are tough
on violence. Look at St Stephen's!
- They had a weapons amnesty.
- Re-to-the-wind.
Someone call Shaggy and tell him
it was me on the bathroom floor.
Oh, Jesus wept!
if we can't help them
kick the habit.
What? You're not seriously
considering buying the game?
I think our budget
can stretch to that.
Ooh, can it stretch to FIFA?
This is work, Alfie. When you're at
home you can play whatever you want.
My husband and I play with Wee.
Oh, you're on Nintendo?
What's Nintendo?
Meeting adjourned.
Hey. So, about that amnesty thing.
I was thinking that we should do
one of them here, me and you.
What, at Abbey Grove? Do you think
it's that bad, really?
Yeah.
I keep you shielded from it
but it's a jungle out there.
- OK, our kids have weapons?
- Yeah. Mitchell, Joe, Rem Dogg...
The boy in the wheelchair?
He's the worst. He's got, like,
spikes that he puts
on his hub caps like in Ben-Hur.
Well, I do think an amnesty
could be a good idea.
Ooh, I know.
- I could get our amnesty some press.
- Press?
- I've got a contact at the Observer.
- Ooh, the Observer?
The Watford Observer.
I used to hook up
with a page three girl there.
The Watford Observer
doesn't have a page three.
Well, her article about me
was on page three.
- Why were you in the press?
- Broke my leg
playing human chess.
- Sorry, you broke your leg...
- So, the amnesty, we're going to need a venue.
- Now I was thinking...
- Canteen?
Nando's. A little wing roulette.
Two sides, macho peas, the rice.
Maybe a movie afterwards
to celebrate?
I'll see if the canteen's free.
Suit yourself.
Hey, the press are going
to love this, aren't they?
Little celebrity power couple,
changing the world for the better.
Brangelina, Bennifer...
- Rudy.
- Who's Rudy?
Richard and Judy.
I'll see you at lunch, Alfie.
Please don't book Nando's.
I won't. I couldn't.
I've tried.
They don't take bookings.
Their chicken's first come,
first served, baby.
Not my class.
OK, guys, there's something very
important that I need you to do.
- Ooh, thanks.
- No problem. It's on the house.
Because that's what friends do,
isn't it?
They buy things for each other.
You all look knackered.
Have you had another party
that I wasn't invited to?
- They've all been playing Tokyo Sin.
- Yes, bruv, Tokyo Sin is dench!
Hang on, hands up
if you've got this game.
Typical, Joe, the only one of my crew
with a little bit of sense.
It's just that it's an 18
and my mum won't buy it for me.
If only I had an adult friend
who owed me big time.
Sir, Tokyo Sin is just a craze.
You don't get crazes,
though, do you, sir?
You're older than that condom
you got in your wallet.
Sir didn't get crazes, cos
he went to a posh boys school.
Too busy playing quidditch
with David Cameron.
Right, I didn't go to Hogwarts.
And look, for the record,
we had crazes too.
Yeah. Pogs.
Mmm, now there was a craze.
Who remembers Pogs?
Pogs!
Oh, you missed out!
Pogs were amazing.
You had these little cardboard
discs, right,
and you piled them up into a tower,
and then with another
cardboard disc you'd chuck it
at the pile of cardboard discs,
and it...
I'm going to accept
that Pogs has not aged well.
Stephen, no offence, but this game,
is it your kind of thing?
Nazis in fishnets?
It's just like Cabaret.
Chantelle, you're a girl...
Who meets guys on the online
multiplayer. Look me up.
My name's Jailbait. All one word.
And I've got webcam.
Blocked.
- See? I'm the only one.
- You is missing out, fam.
Anyone done blitz kick yet,
the finisher move?
You kick 'em in the head - whah -
head explodes - boom -
brains everywhere!
Course I have, I got bare tekkers.
Yeah, but you play it on PC,
don't ya? That shit is old.
Where'd you find it?
Your nan's vadge?
Least my sister ain't lesbian.
- She ain't lesbian. She goes to university.
- And?
- Everybody knows university's for lesbos!
- Do one, Gran Turismo!
Oh, you two, stop flirting.
When I was your age I had an N64.
And that had far better games on it
than Tokyo Sin.
Zelda...
What you do in that? Dress up like
a bender and play the flute?
It was an ocarina.
Oh, wow, an ocarina.
Bet that helped you get the ladies.
Yeah, it did actually, Mitchell.
Maybe I should
lend it to your sister.
Told!
Look, the point is, you're all very
young and impressionable
and a game like this is dangerous
because it is encouraging you to be violent.
That said, I am going to need you
to get hold of some weapons -
bats, flick knives, chains.
Think outside the box.
Bring anything you find into lunch.
Ow.
Yes, Mr. Habsi, I understand.
Shalom.
No, that's the other ones, isn't it?
Mazel tov? Hello?
Alfie!
Alfred the Great, son of Aethelwulf,
and Osburga of Oslac, Thane of Wessex.
I see you've
been on Wikipedia again.
Look, I thought everyone was
over-reacting, but they're right.
All of my class are playing
that game.
That's why I've been
raping my brain.
It's "racking my brain."
- Is the Pope Hindu?
- No.
How do you stop a craze?
Invent a craze to replace it.
- Do you?
- Right. Take a seat, dragon.
Dragon?
Next into the den is Fraser,
who wants investment
for his ingenious crazes for kids.
First up, tattoos.
Tattoos?
They're a victimless crime
and potentially educational!
The kids could get a map
of the world, the periodic table,
or Picasso's Guernica.
Yeah. I suspect some of
the parents might object.
- Say it, then.
- Say what?
- You've seen Dragons' Den.
- Fraser, we're not on Dragons' Den.
I'm not moving till you say it.
If I say it,
will this all be over quicker?
I'm out.
- Craze two! Kids like animals, right?
- Yeah, I guess.
Franimals.
Animals made from fruit.
Behold, Orange-a-tang
and his jungle wife, Apple-o-tamus.
Ooh-ooh-ooh, ha-ha-ha!
Are...
Right, I'm out. And I'm also leaving.
Zebranana?
You need help.
Die, Nazi bitch!
- Blitz kick!
- Bullshit.
Oh, this is embarrassing.
It's turned Mollinson into even
more of dribbling idiot.
Eat my fist, you ho!
Erm, where's Rosie? Who are you?
I'm Ron. I'm assisting Rosie today.
Well, Ron. I think you'll find Rosie
asked me to assist her.
So you can assist off.
Look, mate. I have to be here.
A licensed weapons expert
must be present.
Well, mate, that is exactly why Rosie
asked me to be present,
because I actually own a gun.
Yeah, don't get much more expert
than that, do you?
- You own a gun?
- Yes, I own a gun, Ron.
It's a Glock.
I bought it off some
Albanians in the pub.
They're always selling me
black market shit - guns, drugs,
a snuff film.
Yeah, so, what heat you packing,
Mr Weapons Expert?
- Standard issue pepper spray.
- Standard issue pepper spray!
What are you, an old woman?
I'm a police officer.
Right.
Good.
I'm sorry. I was lying.
I don't own a gun.
And the Albanians, they sold me,
like, one DVD once.
And I didn't even watch it
all the way through,
cos the quality was so poor.
Do you know what happens
at the end of The Notebook?
So, you've met the sergeant.
Yeah, Ron. My buddy.
I love the police.
Shoot first,
ask questions later, right?
Have you got any weapons?
Not unless you've got a very small
gun in your pocket?
It's not a gun, it's my cock, Ron.
Chantelle, what are you doing?
Fingernails aren't weapons.
Try telling that to Linda Beale.
No-one wears Tulisa's scent
on my turf.
Milk? I'm lactose intolerant.
This one thought it was a funny idea
to spike my soya latte.
- Mitchell made me do it.
- That's chemical warfare!
Yes, but it's not a weapon.
A trace of dairy and I go from
Will Smith to Seal,
quicker than you can say,
"Kiss from a rose."
- What are you wearing?
- Ninja mask, innit?
Make them out of old T-shirts.
Take it off.
What have you got to hand in?
Oh, here we go.
- This is your science homework.
- Knowledge is power, sir.
If I become a brilliant scientist,
I could destroy the whole
world, in the flick of a switch.
The only thing you could contribute
to science is your body.
Now, go away.
Macaroni cheese? Get that plate
away from me.
Why, Glee?
I have an allergy.
That plate could kill me.
That was a mistake.
Mac attack!
My face!
♪ Love remained a drug
♪ That's the high and not the pill
♪ But did you know that when it snows
♪ My eyes become large
♪ And the light that
you shine can be seen... ♪
Consider yourself blitzed!
♪ Baby
♪ I compare you to
a kiss from a rose on the grey
♪ Now that your rose is in bloom
♪ A light hits the gloom on the
grey... ♪ Erm, excuse me. Excuse me.
How dare you use
physical violence like this?
It's cowardly. Cowardly.
These ninja masks
are totally against school rules.
So, off with their heads.
What are we going
to do about the newspaper?
Oh, I was thinking we could appease
them, give them a replacement story.
"Injured Human Chess Boy
in Miracle Recovery."
I was thinking we ask them back
and explain we're taking steps
to teach conflict resolution.
- Yeah. That might be a better idea.
- How do we yabba-dabba-do that?
I spoke to Ron.
He's trained in self-defence.
Not that police doofus.
We could do
a demonstration for the kids.
He's such an interesting guy.
He was showing me some of his holds.
He's so strong,
yet so soft at the same time.
- Sounds like a toilet roll.
- Preet!
There's a guy at my gym
who teaches self-defence.
He'd be perfect.
The kids would love him.
Fraser, were not having
some random guy from your gym.
Alfie's right.
Ron's more qualified.
But I mean, if you say
this Preet guy's a professional...
I mean, he would probably be
better than Sergeant Andrex.
OK. Miss G, You get on to the paper,
I'll give my guy a tinkle.
How does that sound, yeah?
Samira, I am so sorry.
Oh, my God.
Please don't tell your father.
'Violence is everywhere.
So how do you protect yourself?
'This is Loretta, your
typical all-American woman.
'She's standing outside a jazz club
'but she's about to have a run-in
with some jazz lovers.'
'If your attacker tries
to blind you, raise your hand
'up to the bridge of your nose
to disable the gouge.
'Well done, Loretta.
'But next time, play it safe
and stick to Country and Western.
'And where's Loretta now?
'She's watching some brothers
shooting hoops in the Projects.
'If an attacker comes from behind,
'scrape down on their shin
with the heel of your stiletto.
'Not this time, Germaine. Try
slam dunking the funk after that.
'And remember, on November 8th...'
So, I would ignore all of that.
What you have to remember is,
that video was made in a time
when people were...
racist.
- Then why did you show it to us?
- Because, Jing,
teachers live by an
ancient code as old as time.
Which is?
If you're out of your depth,
put on a video.
Look, what Stephen did
in the canteen wasn't cool.
Well, it was. Grayson's a prick.
Agreed. But you
can't lash out like that.
What if someone's giving you beef?
Turning the other cheek
will always be the best policy.
Like Neville Chamberlain
did with Hitler?
Why do you only ever
remember history to prove me wrong?
Yes, Jing. And Tiananmen Square.
Look, what is the deadliest
animal on the planet?
A tiger.
No, the human being. We're all
biologically conditioned to fight.
The deadliest weapon on the planet
is the human brain.
OK, so that Stewart Hawkins bloke.
He's the brainiest guy
in the world, right?
Stephen Hawking. Yeah, but...
If he's so deadly, who'd win
a fight between him and a tiger?
Well, the tiger, obviously.
- So he's not the deadliest.
- That's not the point.
What about him versus a shark?
- The shark.
- What, even on dry land?
No, I guess on dry land
the shark would probably dry out.
I can't believe
I'm even playing this game.
Look, there are plenty of animals
that could kill Stephen Hawking.
- Like a badger?
- Yes, a badger probably would.
- How, though?
- I don't know.
Bite him, give him TB.
Mr Wickers,
I'm just returning Stephen.
- Did you apologise to Grayson?
- I told him to swivel.
See, proof that everything
can be resolved with words.
What about Israel and Palestine?
Oh, stop learning.
Mr Wickers, can I
bum a dime of your time?
Jing, er...
Take over.
- Stay down.
- What the hell?
Cease and desist. Cease and desist.
All right, I desist.
Please, just let me go.
- Classic!
- What the hell is going on?
Absolutely classic. Alfie,
this is Preet from my gym.
Hi bro, pleasure.
Preet Van Der Plessiss.
What is this?
This is your very own
personal safety guru.
I like this moffie, Frase. Spunky.
- You putt from the rough, yah?
- What?
Do you take it in the karoo?
You're a biltong-er?
A kak-goofer?
No, I'm messing, bro.
No, no, I'm here to show your kids
how to bring the fire to a brawl.
He means prevent a fight.
Or maybe paralyse a woman.
I told you, Alf.
Preet changed my life.
Yah, Teach here may look like
a scrawny sack of shit and bones
- but I've turned him into a cobra.
- Ssssss.
Yeah, well, having thought
about it, I think my kids'll be fine.
Are they though, bro?
If I cammoed up and broke into
your class with a hunting knife,
would you take me down before
I butchered a kiddie or two?
I'm messing, bro. No, no, no.
Fraser, is this man even
allowed near children?
I mean, has he got a CRB check?
Alf, I've paid for
Preet's time and he's serious bunce.
Would you at least consider it?
Is this one of these
things where you ask me
for permission for something that's
definitely happening anyway?
Yes.
Great, well I'll unload
the van. You got crash mats?
Crash mats?
Yah, I need to show them
how to deal with anything.
You're a filthy, dick-licking
piece of bokke shit.
But I like you.
I really, really like you.
He always does that.
OK, listen up, you
rag-tag pack of cocksuckers.
Right, OK. Can we just
reign in the homophobia a little
in front of the children?
Yeah, keep your plug in,
dick tickler!
So, personal safety. Who wants to
know how to throw a one-inch punch?
- Yes, bruv.
- Obviously, we won't be doing that
as this class is about
avoiding violent situations.
Now, all you need to win
in a fight is...that.
- Head butts.
- Thinking!
Preet is going to help you identify
the danger signs, aren't you, Preet?
- How to spot trouble.
- Yah, racial profiling.
It used to just be Blacks,
now Asians are tricky too.
That's inappropriate. Um, shall we...
OK. Volunteers. Who wants to dance?
Me! Me! Me! Me!
I will do it. Aw, sir...
OK, butt stuffer.
Here's your kit.
I'm not getting changed.
Fine.
Wheels, you're up.
OK, I'm going. I'm going.
Yah, that's better, puss.
Now you're ready to play with Daddy.
Right. Um... Now, it is
very important to remember
that we are not condoning violence.
What we are going to show you now
is absolutely the last resort.
The choke hold.
And for some real fun,
jab the windpipe.
Right, Podge, you're in
the shower room.
This fudge-tunneller creeps in.
Think quick, what you gonna do?
Er, turn the other cheek?
In the shower?
No, bro, he wants that.
- You want to get him in his yam yams.
- Not my yam yams...
Please let go.
Get up, you prawn.
No. I will!
Mitchell, remember what I said.
The mind is the strongest weapon
that there is.
Wrong. Teach here has clearly
never felt a riot baton.
- Why did you do that?
- TIA, bro. This is Africa.
It's not, it's Hertfordshire.
Next step. Stukkie,
can I borrow your high heels?
No. Sir said to seek
a peaceful solution.
And anyway,
these are New Look.
Fine, we'll skip the full frontal
and move straight to the Taser.
What?
What?! Taser? No way!
No, no. Hey, pass me
the Taser, bro, come on.
I'm gonna neutralise
this cock-knocker.
He'll not be getting
his tongue on my sugar.
Stephen, no! Please,
someone, help!
But sir, you've been
telling us not to!
I was wrong.
A hundred percent, definitely wrong.
- Cease and desist!
- Joe!
Shit.
What?
He was a prick!
'Can we get a picture please, mate?
This way. It's for The Observer.'
So, looks like our weapons
amnesty worked out after all.
Yeah.
What happened though?
Well, you know I'm a pacifist
so when he started attacking me,
I set an example to all
of the kids by non-violently
soaking up all
of his negative energy.
Oh, wow. That's so great.
That takes real strength...
- Then I tasered him.
- Oh. Thank God Ron was here.
'Sorry guys, can we get
one of you two together, please?
'Over here, come on, chaps!'
- Oh! Picture.
- 'Thank you very much. Lovely.'
Alfie? Look, I'm sorry.
- No. I've thought about what you said.
- So have I.
And I've broken
every rule in the book,
but I didn't want you being left out.
- Alfie...
- Don't worry about it.
Well, no, it's not that.
It's just that
Tokyo Sin isn't cool any more.
Ain't you heard, Grandad?
It's all about Murder Blade.
Murder Blade? That sounds even worse.
Basically, you've got these little
cardboard squares, then you pile 'em up,
then you throw more little cardboard
squares at the little cardboard squares.
But...
That's just Pogs!