Bad Education (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Sex Education - full transcript
Fraser asks Alfie to supervise the incoming group of French exchange students with instructions not to duplicate last year's disaster when randy French boy Jean Claude disgraced himself. As a result the staff have to teach sex education with varying results. In fact the visitors are Dutch and their most attractive and articulate member shows Alfie up in a class debate,not only as a liar but a virgin. At least Rosie feels sorry for him.
Come on or we'll get caught.
Actually, if I get caught,
does it mean I don't have
to go on a French Exchange?
Just shut up and keep guard,
all right? You can't hurry art.
This is my Sistine Chapel.
Why are you doing this?
Er, revenge! You've seen the gents',
the slander all over the walls.
That has got Pickwell's name
written all over it.
It's got YOUR name
written all over it.
She is the only person
in this school
that hates me enough
to write those mean things.
What? About your weird feet?
They're not weird,
they're just...flat
and slightly webbed.
Is that why you have to wear
the special shoes?
You lot are just jealous
because I'm evolving quicker.
When the ice caps melt,
I will be swimming to safety
like Kevin Costner in Waterworld.
What's Waterworld?
"What's Waterworld"?!
You haven't seen Waterworld?
Ah, Jesus!
Give me that, you little turd.
Right. Off you go. LEAVE!
She's coming! Shit! Hide!
There's no way out.
The ventilation shaft. How?
Haven't you seen Die Hard?
It's an 18!
What?!
First Waterworld, now this?
What do they teach you people?
WHISPERS: I told you she had a wang.
Everything all right in there?
Do a noise. Like what?
A girl having a crap.
HE STRAINS
Pathetic.
Yippee ki yay, mu...
Oh, you wouldn't get it.
It's Dick and Dick in Da Bungalow.
Well, that's actually a compliment
because they won
two Children's BAFTAs. What's this?
Taking a photo of you two
butt nuggets leaving the ladies.
I'm twitpicin' that shit.
Don't be a dick. Chill out, flippers.
Someone's been reading
Pickwell's graffiti, I see.
That's my graffiti, innit.
Covering for her? I'm surprised.
You're many things, Grayson, but
I didn't think you could be bought.
Oh, shut up, jumper.
Jumper?
Yeah. You're wearing a jumper,
and jumpers are bent, mate.
This is not bent,
this is Dries Van Noten.
Marvin from JLS rocked one of these
bad boys on The One Show.
Look, just delete the photo.
Shut up, Chicken Dippa!
Please. And what if I don't?
Then I will...
tell on you
to a more senior member of staff.
THEY LAUGH
You is brass, bruv.
Oh, thank you.
Tell you what - I'll delete
the photo if you do me a favour.
OK, but I'm not getting involved
in any of your gang nonsense.
I've seen Kidulthood.
I'm not killing anyone with a bat.
Change? But it was my money.
And the rest.
Prick.
That went well.
Sacre bleu, le enfant terrible,
le bon vivant, le petit filou..
Fraser, Ca...
Brie?
Erm look, about the French Exchange,
er, please don't send Joe.
He really doesn't want to go.
He hates France!
I was thinking,
maybe you could send a Francophile?
Why would we send the PE teacher?
No, someone who loves France.
Skin?
Hanging!
Why are there all these
parents here?
What's with all the questions?
Am I on Mastermind?
If I am, chosen specialist
subject, classical banter.
6th of the 9th '73 to Present day.
What's going on?
I've started so I'll finish.
The MILF brigade
are in a bit of a tizz
about the impending arrivee
of the French Exchange.
After last year's little debacle,
this year the parents don't want
their kids getting pregnant.
Frigid!
So, to quash any menopausal mayhem,
you have done the assembly on PSHE,
haven't you?
Yeah!
Well, I mean, I haven't.
I let Stephen do it because
he's into drama and stuff. Oh, yeah.
He's doing a presentation
on gender equality.
Rennie?
I've double-dropped.
♪ I can do it like a brother
do it like a dude
♪ Grab my crotch
wear my hat low like you
♪ Do it like a brother
do it like a dude
♪ Grab my crotch
wear my hat low like you
♪ We can do it like the man'dem
man'dem
♪ We can do it like the man'dem
sugar, sugar, sugar
♪ We can do it like the man'dem
man'dem
♪ We can do it like the man'dem
sugar, sugar, sugar. ♪
Not a fan of R'n'B.
Right,
those aren't normally allowed.
It's shocking. I'll have her
out of those in no time.
OK, that didn't come out right.
< I'm worried for all
our daughters...
What? Fraser's so out of his depth.
We were talking
about teen sexuality,
and I was telling him
about my experiences at a young age
with other girls.
He just made this grunt noise,
tensed up
and he ran to the toilet.
It's sad really.
Yeah, cos I'm, like,
so cool with that.
You know, you...
other girls, making out...
Cos what I mean is
like we've all done that.
We've all been there, like,
I had a thing, when I was, like, 13.
I was having a sleepover, and I was
top-and-tailing with Atticus Hoye
and, I was at half mast,
maybe even two thirds.
No, but you see Alfie,
my point is that I think Fraser
might have a more personal problem.
Lives in Derby now, old Atticus.
Added me on Facebook the other day.
Let's just say,
I would not get a semi anymore.
Shall we go and help Fraser? Yep.
This is going straight onto Mumsnet.
Sod Mumsnet.
OK, last year Jean Claude
caused a bit of a stir.
Disgusting beast. Chill, Winston!
You've let this place become
a den of inequity. Look at this!
Don't you think girls have enough
pressure without this kind of thing?
Oh, we don't discriminate.
We let the Dove adverty ones enter.
Fat Alice did it last year.
That's outrageous. Exactly.
That's why I voted her off
in the first round.
"Fat Alice" is my daughter!
Hasn't she got nice eyes?
Yeah, lovely girl.
Bubbly Alice.
And it's gonna be worse
when the exchange students arrive.
I don't want some predator
in a beret groping my daughter.
Mrs Lythgoe, if it's any consolation
I think twinkly-eyed Alice will be
very low down on their list.
No, that's appears
to have made it worse. Look.
You're all squabbling over
what is the most beautiful
part in bringing up a child.
We have to work together
to help our kids
embrace the changes that are going
on inside their bodies.
COUGHS: Bullshit!
Finally some sense!
I think it's really important
that we make a stand...
Yo, my turn. Um.
Just wanted to throw this one
out there.
If any of the staff or indeed mums
that are under the age of 40,
unless they're proper fit...
want to come and draw on my wealth
of sexual knowledge,
you know where my door is.
How can I trust this moron
with teaching my children
something as important
as sex education?
I can assure you we are more
than qualified to deal with this.
Perhaps some of the parents might
like to sit in on a class?
Mr Wickers!
You'd be happy with that,
wouldn't you?
Erm...
Alfie?
Yep. Yeah. Sure, fine, yeah, cool.
Share the knowledge. Feel the force.
I'm like a sex Yoda.
IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Many times
done it, I have.
Oh, top notch Jedi banter.
Well, that's settled then.
What say you meet us
all back here at 2.30?
And I can promise, by the time
that mini-bus arrives from France,
all your little Casanovas will
know their pinks from their browns.
OK?
You need to be aware
of all the major sexual organs.
Yeah.
Labia...
vulva...
vagina.
So, we're all good
talking about the...
Anus.
I thought we could watch a home video
my husband and I
made on our honeymoon.
It's on the internet somewhere.
Acts 15-20.
"And Moses did write to them,
telling them to abstain
"from sexual immorality and from
the meat of strangled animals."
That's funny, Miss.
I've heard you like to strangle
the meat of your animal.
Shut up, Grayson.
'And in we go. Back and forth,
back and forth! Olive, do you want
a scotch egg?
'Who's a good boy?'
Sex was invented...
by the Romans.
Pornography will give you
a totally distorted impression
of the female body.
Those aren't real women. This is.
It's... Fanny!
I give up.
I don't know how to do it.
Sir, why don't you just draw
a frog's dick so Joe knows
what he'll be sucking on next week.
You're an idiot.
Look, Joe,
you never know. You might enjoy it.
I'd rather shit in my hand and clap.
Sir, why is it only me
that has to go to a French Farm
to stay with a bunch of freaks?
Not all farmers are freaks.
Alex James - he's in Blur.
But they sent me some cheese,
through the post.
There you are. That's lovely.
Probably made from the farmer's
wife's tit milk. Don't be stupid.
They do that. I read it in Nuts.
What? Yeah.
And you're gonna have to wank off
a cow. Why on earth
would he have to do that?
To get milk, you pagan.
You genuinely think
that's where milk comes from?
Look, France isn't that bad.
They've got loads of cool stuff
like skiing and...
Poirot.
Er, Poirot, Jing, erm,
he was a fictional detective
created by Agatha Christie.
You know,
Murder On The Orient Express.
Er, don't worry, they murder
an American, not one of yours.
I can't believe
you've actually read a book.
Book? I watched the TV shows.
OK, let's do this.
And remember, it's all anonymous so
you've got nothing to worry about.
"Should I stop strangling
when their lips go blue?"
Right, I'm not going to even dignify
that with a response, Mitchell.
Sir!
Will any of the French exchange
boys be on Grinder?
Stephen, I have no idea.
Lucky dip then. Is it too much
to ask to have a serious one?
"He's 23, I'm 15,
what will it feel like?"
Illegal, Chantelle!
Oh!
I have just had...the most...
amazing sex ed class.
It was so honest.
We had this big discussion
about losing your virginity
and Jason Stephens
admitted he was still a virgin.
HE LAUGHS
That's good.
No, it wasn't a joke, Alfie.
It was heartfelt and moving.
What's that book? Ah it's, er...
Oh, I know this one.
It's very helpful with the basics.
Yeah, I mean
I didn't really need it.
It was just in class earlier I sort
of messed up a diagram of a penis.
I mean my one of the woman's erm...
Vagina?
Yeah. Vajuja.
I mean that was good
cos obviously I've seen many of them,
but, in my time,
so I got all the bits right.
You know, tubes,
the eggs,
and, erm, the...
..lid.
The lid? Do you mean the labia?
Yes. Yeah.
The lab...lab...labia.
Labia, yes.
That's what it's called.
Look, if you're teaching
the phallus,
then it's very important
you know your own.
How can you expect your class
to understand their bodies
if you don't understand yours?
You don't need this.
Just study your own.
Get to know it.
What, I mean,
should I, like, trace it?
Examine it, don't be afraid of it.
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
I don't need this, this shitty book.
There's all my answers.
Yeah, damn this shitty book. Aargh!
Oh, I think you hit someone, Alfie.
Fraser, what are you doing?
Oh, just, er, just Peter Crouch'ing.
You know, squat thrusts.
Just a standard library gym sesh.
Working on the old, er, bibliopecs.
How are the old pump
and grind classes going?
Yeah, I was just telling Alfie.
I mean this is the stuff that
reminds me why I teach.
Don't you think it's amazing that we
can inspire such honesty sexually?
Here's that book you asked for.
Oh, that's, no, that's not for me.
It is. You specifically made
me buy it from Amazon.
Oh, fine. Very chatty for
a librarian, aren't you?
It's for my class.
So, I'll go and read it,
to them, now.
Now? Classes don't
start for half an hour.
Oh, oops! Jumped the gun again!
Not again.
OK, I need to inspire some honesty,
so I'm going to need one of you to
lie about being gay.
That will make my
sex ed class look so pro.
You know, you come out then
I'll counsel you, like the bald guy
they bring out on Jeremy Kyle.
I'll go gay, Sir.
But only if you watch.
And from now on,
comments like that will be banned.
Sir, after a good deal of soul
searching, and a powerful journey
of self discovery. I have come to
the conclusion that I am gay.
Ah, that's lovely Stephen. But
what we need here is a surprise...
Joe?
No. No, no, no. Look...
No, no.
Now don't over-react.
No. Just calm down.
No. I'm not doing it. Please.
All I'm asking you to do is
to be gay for a day.
You just stand up in the middle of
the class and say "Mr Wickers,
"I'm out and proud."
Alfie, please don't do this.
Look, we all go through phases.
This one time, me and Atticus Hoye
were apple-bobbing
at Patrick Marsh's barn-dance,
and let's just say, our hands
did not remain behind our backs.
I really,
really don't want to do this.
Please. I know,
I'll get you out of going to France.
You promise?
Have I ever let you down?
Ah, that's very sweet of you to
offer to come out as well, Jing,
but, er, as they say in China -
"one child will do."
Aaaw, that sounds like
the French exchange.
Oh, they're gonna be fit.
Oh, the bender bus has turned up.
Where are this
lot from in France anyway?
From the town of Hoogeveen.
Hoogeveen? That sounds German.
Are you sure it's in France.
Yes.
From the French province of Drenthe.
Erm. Hoogeveen is in Holland.
For God's sakes man,
you teach Geography.
Well, I don't know.
I mean, who's ever been to Holland?
I used to work in Amsterdam.
Well, they're Dutch. It's fine. I
mean, they're not obsessed with sex.
I mean look,
no-one's gonna be hopping on that.
♪ Sexy boy... ♪
Oh, my God! Get that boy
to the wheelie bins now!
Shut up, you slag. He's well bent.
Ain't he, Stephen?
Well, if he isn't, I'll bend him.
Oh, waffles.
Shoot in da hoop. Into me.
Whoa. You just denied this
quarterback a three-pointer.
Fraser, Joe can't go to Hoogeveen.
New balls, please.
Oh, email from Mr Smith asking me
to stop referring to him
as a brother from another mother.
He shoots and... Ooh, touchdown!
Fraser, did you listen to me?
Joe can't go. Why?
Look...
..he has been having some
words with me in private
about a couple of issues that
his having regarding his sexuality.
Why would that mean
he can't go to Holland?
Fraser! Holland!
A young chap like that.
Vulnerable, unsure of himself,
wandering round
the red light district of Amsterdam,
high on marijuana.
They'd pass his bottom
round like a joint.
Ooh. Formal warning from
the governors regarding
my conduct towards
a black parent.
♪ Do, do, do, do
♪ Do, do, do, do
♪ Do, do, do, do
♪ Do, do, do, do... ♪
Home run!
HE IMITATES A BUGLE CALL
Actually can you just,
er, pick that one out,
I should probably give it
a read before the hearing.
So, are we agreed? Joe's not going?
Well, if he's having t'issues,
we can't send him abroad.
I'll just ring around
for another pupil.
Oh, before you do that,
one of Ms Pickwell's class
has expressed a real affinity
with the culture.
Get in the locker!
Hello, Francis.
Well, if ain't Dries Von Noten.
Ooh, speaking a little Dutch.
That'll come in handy.
You been sniffing Pritt Stick
again, you dick rash?
No, because I've found out
that it's solvent free.
Mug. Fraser has just been on
the phone to your parents.
Turns out there was a last minute
drop out on the Dutch exchange,
and we all decided that
you could go instead.
You're going to love it on the farm
in Hoogeveen.
The 5am starts, the smell of manure,
the vigorous milking,
and that's just Mrs Vorhoeven.
As they say in Holland,
auf wiedersehen.
♪ Bendable, poseable
♪ Bendable, poseable
♪ Bendable, poseable
♪ Bendable, poseable... ♪
Welcome. Wilkommen. Bienvenue.
Don't block the camera.
Camera? Are you filming this?
Yeah, I'm streaming it on Mumsnet.
Thank you very much for that.
Now, I'm glad you could all make it
to one of our live sex shows.
Sorry - live classes on sex,
sex ed class.
It's not a live sex show.
Now, I know you're all a little
bit worried about your kids
mingling with the French students,
and their dubious sexual outlook.
Fear not, because luckily,
ah, our students are in fact, Dutch.
So, enough tickle, a bit more
tackle, funk you very much.
Settle down, brothers and sisters.
It's time to share.
Where have I been? Good question.
Well, I've been sat in a room
getting to know my penis.
And you know what?
He's a pretty great guy,
cos Miss G's right.
How can you lot
understand your penises
if you don't get to
know my penis first?
That's out of context.
You don't need books.
Or libraries.
All of the answers are in here.
The pant library.
So, next chapter, sex.
I thought you guys should share.
Is there anything anyone wants to
share with the group? Joe, maybe?
Something that you
might like to tell us,
some honesty that I've inspired?
No. For me, it's all about making
everyone happy.
It's just our bodies, guys,
let's have fun.
Right, I'm sorry. We're not talking
about fun, and happiness, Hoogeveen.
We're talking about sex, yeah?
But if you're not mature enough to
share with the group, that's fine.
Hey, I'm mature enough.
You want me to share? OK well,
I like to strum the clitoris.
Ooh. Don't say that!
What's a glitorish? Oh, it's like...
It's nothing.
It doesn't even exist. It's a myth.
Wait. You're saying the clitoris is
a myth? What is a glitorish?
Chantelle'll show you.
Yeah, all right. Chantelle,
keep your clothes on.
Hey, brother, why don't you
share your experiences.
Erm, does anyone want to
help me out? Joe?
What is a glitorish? And what's
a MILF? Right, not helping.
You're mum's a MILF. She's not.
MILF, my friend,
is a mother I'd like to...
Fondle! Fondle.
A mother I would like to fondle.
Joe, are you sure there is nothing
you want to tell us? No.
What's that I can smell?
Is it cheese?
It's almost like we're on a farm.
I'm gay. Sorry? I didn't hear it.
You'll have to be a little
bit louder.
I'm gay.
Gay! Yup! How honest!
Oh, well done, Joe!
That's great, man.
Mitchell, you owe us a fiver.
I told you.
I'm not actually gay.
No, no, no.
He, he definitely is a gay.
Well, are you gay or not?
Alfie made me be gay for him.
Er, right. I, I didn't.
No, you did. You said
if I didn't go gay for you,
you'd send me to
Holland to live on a farm.
It sounds a lot worse
than it actually is was.
Look, Grayson's sent me a photo of
them coming out of
the ladies toilet together!
What a shit! I bought him cider.
That's not good.
Mumsnet has just crashed.
That is good.
If you like sex so much, what's your
favourite position? All of them.
Shall we change the subject?
What foreplay do you take?
All of the main ones.
When was the last time you had sex?
Erm, on holiday. Who was she?
It was a long time ago. I can't
remember. What was her name?
She didn't have one. Did she have
balls, Sir? I don't know.
Was it a man? What was his name?
Calm Down. Calm down.
Is it on YouPorn? What's ATM?
Er, stop asking me
so many questions!
Come on, man, share with the group.
Leave me alone, Hoogeveen.
I haven't.
All right.
I haven't ever slept with anyone.
I had a girlfriend for a long time
but she wanted to save herself.
It just didn't happen.
What is a glitorish?
I don't know what kind of weird,
sick paedophile kind of teachers
you employ here,
but they are not right here,
they are not right with children.
OK, Mrs Lythgoe,
chill your boots, chill your hips,
chill your lips, chill your...
just chill, just chill.
To be honest, I think we've
got off on the wrong foot.
Alice, have you ever seen her dance?
She is like two Wayne Sleeps.
I don't mean in size.
She she's a very, very dainty girl.
Alice has an inherited
glandular disorder.
She's not fat, as you called her.
It's phat with a "ph".
Alfie.
What?
About the class, erm...
Look. I don't want to
talk about it, all right.
No, I just wanted to say that
I was really, really impressed.
You did exactly what I said.
You helped them understand
it's OK not to rush things,
by being honest about yourself.
Really?
Yes, Alfie. Really.
See you tomorrow.
Now, AlfBo.
Why are you calling me that?
SuBo, never been kissed.
Never call me that again.
So, Mumsnet is back online,
and it is not good.
There is, what can only be described
as an angry hate mob
demanding I sack you.
Yeah, but luckily I've hit on a way
of you taking a brief sabbatical.
You know what they say,
out of sight,
out of murderous, angry minds.
Right?
Did you know Hoogeveen has
one of Holland's oldest peat farms?
What?
Virgins say what?
What?
This is going to be the longest
coach journey of your life.
HE LAUGHS MISCHIEVOUSLY
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
Actually, if I get caught,
does it mean I don't have
to go on a French Exchange?
Just shut up and keep guard,
all right? You can't hurry art.
This is my Sistine Chapel.
Why are you doing this?
Er, revenge! You've seen the gents',
the slander all over the walls.
That has got Pickwell's name
written all over it.
It's got YOUR name
written all over it.
She is the only person
in this school
that hates me enough
to write those mean things.
What? About your weird feet?
They're not weird,
they're just...flat
and slightly webbed.
Is that why you have to wear
the special shoes?
You lot are just jealous
because I'm evolving quicker.
When the ice caps melt,
I will be swimming to safety
like Kevin Costner in Waterworld.
What's Waterworld?
"What's Waterworld"?!
You haven't seen Waterworld?
Ah, Jesus!
Give me that, you little turd.
Right. Off you go. LEAVE!
She's coming! Shit! Hide!
There's no way out.
The ventilation shaft. How?
Haven't you seen Die Hard?
It's an 18!
What?!
First Waterworld, now this?
What do they teach you people?
WHISPERS: I told you she had a wang.
Everything all right in there?
Do a noise. Like what?
A girl having a crap.
HE STRAINS
Pathetic.
Yippee ki yay, mu...
Oh, you wouldn't get it.
It's Dick and Dick in Da Bungalow.
Well, that's actually a compliment
because they won
two Children's BAFTAs. What's this?
Taking a photo of you two
butt nuggets leaving the ladies.
I'm twitpicin' that shit.
Don't be a dick. Chill out, flippers.
Someone's been reading
Pickwell's graffiti, I see.
That's my graffiti, innit.
Covering for her? I'm surprised.
You're many things, Grayson, but
I didn't think you could be bought.
Oh, shut up, jumper.
Jumper?
Yeah. You're wearing a jumper,
and jumpers are bent, mate.
This is not bent,
this is Dries Van Noten.
Marvin from JLS rocked one of these
bad boys on The One Show.
Look, just delete the photo.
Shut up, Chicken Dippa!
Please. And what if I don't?
Then I will...
tell on you
to a more senior member of staff.
THEY LAUGH
You is brass, bruv.
Oh, thank you.
Tell you what - I'll delete
the photo if you do me a favour.
OK, but I'm not getting involved
in any of your gang nonsense.
I've seen Kidulthood.
I'm not killing anyone with a bat.
Change? But it was my money.
And the rest.
Prick.
That went well.
Sacre bleu, le enfant terrible,
le bon vivant, le petit filou..
Fraser, Ca...
Brie?
Erm look, about the French Exchange,
er, please don't send Joe.
He really doesn't want to go.
He hates France!
I was thinking,
maybe you could send a Francophile?
Why would we send the PE teacher?
No, someone who loves France.
Skin?
Hanging!
Why are there all these
parents here?
What's with all the questions?
Am I on Mastermind?
If I am, chosen specialist
subject, classical banter.
6th of the 9th '73 to Present day.
What's going on?
I've started so I'll finish.
The MILF brigade
are in a bit of a tizz
about the impending arrivee
of the French Exchange.
After last year's little debacle,
this year the parents don't want
their kids getting pregnant.
Frigid!
So, to quash any menopausal mayhem,
you have done the assembly on PSHE,
haven't you?
Yeah!
Well, I mean, I haven't.
I let Stephen do it because
he's into drama and stuff. Oh, yeah.
He's doing a presentation
on gender equality.
Rennie?
I've double-dropped.
♪ I can do it like a brother
do it like a dude
♪ Grab my crotch
wear my hat low like you
♪ Do it like a brother
do it like a dude
♪ Grab my crotch
wear my hat low like you
♪ We can do it like the man'dem
man'dem
♪ We can do it like the man'dem
sugar, sugar, sugar
♪ We can do it like the man'dem
man'dem
♪ We can do it like the man'dem
sugar, sugar, sugar. ♪
Not a fan of R'n'B.
Right,
those aren't normally allowed.
It's shocking. I'll have her
out of those in no time.
OK, that didn't come out right.
< I'm worried for all
our daughters...
What? Fraser's so out of his depth.
We were talking
about teen sexuality,
and I was telling him
about my experiences at a young age
with other girls.
He just made this grunt noise,
tensed up
and he ran to the toilet.
It's sad really.
Yeah, cos I'm, like,
so cool with that.
You know, you...
other girls, making out...
Cos what I mean is
like we've all done that.
We've all been there, like,
I had a thing, when I was, like, 13.
I was having a sleepover, and I was
top-and-tailing with Atticus Hoye
and, I was at half mast,
maybe even two thirds.
No, but you see Alfie,
my point is that I think Fraser
might have a more personal problem.
Lives in Derby now, old Atticus.
Added me on Facebook the other day.
Let's just say,
I would not get a semi anymore.
Shall we go and help Fraser? Yep.
This is going straight onto Mumsnet.
Sod Mumsnet.
OK, last year Jean Claude
caused a bit of a stir.
Disgusting beast. Chill, Winston!
You've let this place become
a den of inequity. Look at this!
Don't you think girls have enough
pressure without this kind of thing?
Oh, we don't discriminate.
We let the Dove adverty ones enter.
Fat Alice did it last year.
That's outrageous. Exactly.
That's why I voted her off
in the first round.
"Fat Alice" is my daughter!
Hasn't she got nice eyes?
Yeah, lovely girl.
Bubbly Alice.
And it's gonna be worse
when the exchange students arrive.
I don't want some predator
in a beret groping my daughter.
Mrs Lythgoe, if it's any consolation
I think twinkly-eyed Alice will be
very low down on their list.
No, that's appears
to have made it worse. Look.
You're all squabbling over
what is the most beautiful
part in bringing up a child.
We have to work together
to help our kids
embrace the changes that are going
on inside their bodies.
COUGHS: Bullshit!
Finally some sense!
I think it's really important
that we make a stand...
Yo, my turn. Um.
Just wanted to throw this one
out there.
If any of the staff or indeed mums
that are under the age of 40,
unless they're proper fit...
want to come and draw on my wealth
of sexual knowledge,
you know where my door is.
How can I trust this moron
with teaching my children
something as important
as sex education?
I can assure you we are more
than qualified to deal with this.
Perhaps some of the parents might
like to sit in on a class?
Mr Wickers!
You'd be happy with that,
wouldn't you?
Erm...
Alfie?
Yep. Yeah. Sure, fine, yeah, cool.
Share the knowledge. Feel the force.
I'm like a sex Yoda.
IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Many times
done it, I have.
Oh, top notch Jedi banter.
Well, that's settled then.
What say you meet us
all back here at 2.30?
And I can promise, by the time
that mini-bus arrives from France,
all your little Casanovas will
know their pinks from their browns.
OK?
You need to be aware
of all the major sexual organs.
Yeah.
Labia...
vulva...
vagina.
So, we're all good
talking about the...
Anus.
I thought we could watch a home video
my husband and I
made on our honeymoon.
It's on the internet somewhere.
Acts 15-20.
"And Moses did write to them,
telling them to abstain
"from sexual immorality and from
the meat of strangled animals."
That's funny, Miss.
I've heard you like to strangle
the meat of your animal.
Shut up, Grayson.
'And in we go. Back and forth,
back and forth! Olive, do you want
a scotch egg?
'Who's a good boy?'
Sex was invented...
by the Romans.
Pornography will give you
a totally distorted impression
of the female body.
Those aren't real women. This is.
It's... Fanny!
I give up.
I don't know how to do it.
Sir, why don't you just draw
a frog's dick so Joe knows
what he'll be sucking on next week.
You're an idiot.
Look, Joe,
you never know. You might enjoy it.
I'd rather shit in my hand and clap.
Sir, why is it only me
that has to go to a French Farm
to stay with a bunch of freaks?
Not all farmers are freaks.
Alex James - he's in Blur.
But they sent me some cheese,
through the post.
There you are. That's lovely.
Probably made from the farmer's
wife's tit milk. Don't be stupid.
They do that. I read it in Nuts.
What? Yeah.
And you're gonna have to wank off
a cow. Why on earth
would he have to do that?
To get milk, you pagan.
You genuinely think
that's where milk comes from?
Look, France isn't that bad.
They've got loads of cool stuff
like skiing and...
Poirot.
Er, Poirot, Jing, erm,
he was a fictional detective
created by Agatha Christie.
You know,
Murder On The Orient Express.
Er, don't worry, they murder
an American, not one of yours.
I can't believe
you've actually read a book.
Book? I watched the TV shows.
OK, let's do this.
And remember, it's all anonymous so
you've got nothing to worry about.
"Should I stop strangling
when their lips go blue?"
Right, I'm not going to even dignify
that with a response, Mitchell.
Sir!
Will any of the French exchange
boys be on Grinder?
Stephen, I have no idea.
Lucky dip then. Is it too much
to ask to have a serious one?
"He's 23, I'm 15,
what will it feel like?"
Illegal, Chantelle!
Oh!
I have just had...the most...
amazing sex ed class.
It was so honest.
We had this big discussion
about losing your virginity
and Jason Stephens
admitted he was still a virgin.
HE LAUGHS
That's good.
No, it wasn't a joke, Alfie.
It was heartfelt and moving.
What's that book? Ah it's, er...
Oh, I know this one.
It's very helpful with the basics.
Yeah, I mean
I didn't really need it.
It was just in class earlier I sort
of messed up a diagram of a penis.
I mean my one of the woman's erm...
Vagina?
Yeah. Vajuja.
I mean that was good
cos obviously I've seen many of them,
but, in my time,
so I got all the bits right.
You know, tubes,
the eggs,
and, erm, the...
..lid.
The lid? Do you mean the labia?
Yes. Yeah.
The lab...lab...labia.
Labia, yes.
That's what it's called.
Look, if you're teaching
the phallus,
then it's very important
you know your own.
How can you expect your class
to understand their bodies
if you don't understand yours?
You don't need this.
Just study your own.
Get to know it.
What, I mean,
should I, like, trace it?
Examine it, don't be afraid of it.
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
I don't need this, this shitty book.
There's all my answers.
Yeah, damn this shitty book. Aargh!
Oh, I think you hit someone, Alfie.
Fraser, what are you doing?
Oh, just, er, just Peter Crouch'ing.
You know, squat thrusts.
Just a standard library gym sesh.
Working on the old, er, bibliopecs.
How are the old pump
and grind classes going?
Yeah, I was just telling Alfie.
I mean this is the stuff that
reminds me why I teach.
Don't you think it's amazing that we
can inspire such honesty sexually?
Here's that book you asked for.
Oh, that's, no, that's not for me.
It is. You specifically made
me buy it from Amazon.
Oh, fine. Very chatty for
a librarian, aren't you?
It's for my class.
So, I'll go and read it,
to them, now.
Now? Classes don't
start for half an hour.
Oh, oops! Jumped the gun again!
Not again.
OK, I need to inspire some honesty,
so I'm going to need one of you to
lie about being gay.
That will make my
sex ed class look so pro.
You know, you come out then
I'll counsel you, like the bald guy
they bring out on Jeremy Kyle.
I'll go gay, Sir.
But only if you watch.
And from now on,
comments like that will be banned.
Sir, after a good deal of soul
searching, and a powerful journey
of self discovery. I have come to
the conclusion that I am gay.
Ah, that's lovely Stephen. But
what we need here is a surprise...
Joe?
No. No, no, no. Look...
No, no.
Now don't over-react.
No. Just calm down.
No. I'm not doing it. Please.
All I'm asking you to do is
to be gay for a day.
You just stand up in the middle of
the class and say "Mr Wickers,
"I'm out and proud."
Alfie, please don't do this.
Look, we all go through phases.
This one time, me and Atticus Hoye
were apple-bobbing
at Patrick Marsh's barn-dance,
and let's just say, our hands
did not remain behind our backs.
I really,
really don't want to do this.
Please. I know,
I'll get you out of going to France.
You promise?
Have I ever let you down?
Ah, that's very sweet of you to
offer to come out as well, Jing,
but, er, as they say in China -
"one child will do."
Aaaw, that sounds like
the French exchange.
Oh, they're gonna be fit.
Oh, the bender bus has turned up.
Where are this
lot from in France anyway?
From the town of Hoogeveen.
Hoogeveen? That sounds German.
Are you sure it's in France.
Yes.
From the French province of Drenthe.
Erm. Hoogeveen is in Holland.
For God's sakes man,
you teach Geography.
Well, I don't know.
I mean, who's ever been to Holland?
I used to work in Amsterdam.
Well, they're Dutch. It's fine. I
mean, they're not obsessed with sex.
I mean look,
no-one's gonna be hopping on that.
♪ Sexy boy... ♪
Oh, my God! Get that boy
to the wheelie bins now!
Shut up, you slag. He's well bent.
Ain't he, Stephen?
Well, if he isn't, I'll bend him.
Oh, waffles.
Shoot in da hoop. Into me.
Whoa. You just denied this
quarterback a three-pointer.
Fraser, Joe can't go to Hoogeveen.
New balls, please.
Oh, email from Mr Smith asking me
to stop referring to him
as a brother from another mother.
He shoots and... Ooh, touchdown!
Fraser, did you listen to me?
Joe can't go. Why?
Look...
..he has been having some
words with me in private
about a couple of issues that
his having regarding his sexuality.
Why would that mean
he can't go to Holland?
Fraser! Holland!
A young chap like that.
Vulnerable, unsure of himself,
wandering round
the red light district of Amsterdam,
high on marijuana.
They'd pass his bottom
round like a joint.
Ooh. Formal warning from
the governors regarding
my conduct towards
a black parent.
♪ Do, do, do, do
♪ Do, do, do, do
♪ Do, do, do, do
♪ Do, do, do, do... ♪
Home run!
HE IMITATES A BUGLE CALL
Actually can you just,
er, pick that one out,
I should probably give it
a read before the hearing.
So, are we agreed? Joe's not going?
Well, if he's having t'issues,
we can't send him abroad.
I'll just ring around
for another pupil.
Oh, before you do that,
one of Ms Pickwell's class
has expressed a real affinity
with the culture.
Get in the locker!
Hello, Francis.
Well, if ain't Dries Von Noten.
Ooh, speaking a little Dutch.
That'll come in handy.
You been sniffing Pritt Stick
again, you dick rash?
No, because I've found out
that it's solvent free.
Mug. Fraser has just been on
the phone to your parents.
Turns out there was a last minute
drop out on the Dutch exchange,
and we all decided that
you could go instead.
You're going to love it on the farm
in Hoogeveen.
The 5am starts, the smell of manure,
the vigorous milking,
and that's just Mrs Vorhoeven.
As they say in Holland,
auf wiedersehen.
♪ Bendable, poseable
♪ Bendable, poseable
♪ Bendable, poseable
♪ Bendable, poseable... ♪
Welcome. Wilkommen. Bienvenue.
Don't block the camera.
Camera? Are you filming this?
Yeah, I'm streaming it on Mumsnet.
Thank you very much for that.
Now, I'm glad you could all make it
to one of our live sex shows.
Sorry - live classes on sex,
sex ed class.
It's not a live sex show.
Now, I know you're all a little
bit worried about your kids
mingling with the French students,
and their dubious sexual outlook.
Fear not, because luckily,
ah, our students are in fact, Dutch.
So, enough tickle, a bit more
tackle, funk you very much.
Settle down, brothers and sisters.
It's time to share.
Where have I been? Good question.
Well, I've been sat in a room
getting to know my penis.
And you know what?
He's a pretty great guy,
cos Miss G's right.
How can you lot
understand your penises
if you don't get to
know my penis first?
That's out of context.
You don't need books.
Or libraries.
All of the answers are in here.
The pant library.
So, next chapter, sex.
I thought you guys should share.
Is there anything anyone wants to
share with the group? Joe, maybe?
Something that you
might like to tell us,
some honesty that I've inspired?
No. For me, it's all about making
everyone happy.
It's just our bodies, guys,
let's have fun.
Right, I'm sorry. We're not talking
about fun, and happiness, Hoogeveen.
We're talking about sex, yeah?
But if you're not mature enough to
share with the group, that's fine.
Hey, I'm mature enough.
You want me to share? OK well,
I like to strum the clitoris.
Ooh. Don't say that!
What's a glitorish? Oh, it's like...
It's nothing.
It doesn't even exist. It's a myth.
Wait. You're saying the clitoris is
a myth? What is a glitorish?
Chantelle'll show you.
Yeah, all right. Chantelle,
keep your clothes on.
Hey, brother, why don't you
share your experiences.
Erm, does anyone want to
help me out? Joe?
What is a glitorish? And what's
a MILF? Right, not helping.
You're mum's a MILF. She's not.
MILF, my friend,
is a mother I'd like to...
Fondle! Fondle.
A mother I would like to fondle.
Joe, are you sure there is nothing
you want to tell us? No.
What's that I can smell?
Is it cheese?
It's almost like we're on a farm.
I'm gay. Sorry? I didn't hear it.
You'll have to be a little
bit louder.
I'm gay.
Gay! Yup! How honest!
Oh, well done, Joe!
That's great, man.
Mitchell, you owe us a fiver.
I told you.
I'm not actually gay.
No, no, no.
He, he definitely is a gay.
Well, are you gay or not?
Alfie made me be gay for him.
Er, right. I, I didn't.
No, you did. You said
if I didn't go gay for you,
you'd send me to
Holland to live on a farm.
It sounds a lot worse
than it actually is was.
Look, Grayson's sent me a photo of
them coming out of
the ladies toilet together!
What a shit! I bought him cider.
That's not good.
Mumsnet has just crashed.
That is good.
If you like sex so much, what's your
favourite position? All of them.
Shall we change the subject?
What foreplay do you take?
All of the main ones.
When was the last time you had sex?
Erm, on holiday. Who was she?
It was a long time ago. I can't
remember. What was her name?
She didn't have one. Did she have
balls, Sir? I don't know.
Was it a man? What was his name?
Calm Down. Calm down.
Is it on YouPorn? What's ATM?
Er, stop asking me
so many questions!
Come on, man, share with the group.
Leave me alone, Hoogeveen.
I haven't.
All right.
I haven't ever slept with anyone.
I had a girlfriend for a long time
but she wanted to save herself.
It just didn't happen.
What is a glitorish?
I don't know what kind of weird,
sick paedophile kind of teachers
you employ here,
but they are not right here,
they are not right with children.
OK, Mrs Lythgoe,
chill your boots, chill your hips,
chill your lips, chill your...
just chill, just chill.
To be honest, I think we've
got off on the wrong foot.
Alice, have you ever seen her dance?
She is like two Wayne Sleeps.
I don't mean in size.
She she's a very, very dainty girl.
Alice has an inherited
glandular disorder.
She's not fat, as you called her.
It's phat with a "ph".
Alfie.
What?
About the class, erm...
Look. I don't want to
talk about it, all right.
No, I just wanted to say that
I was really, really impressed.
You did exactly what I said.
You helped them understand
it's OK not to rush things,
by being honest about yourself.
Really?
Yes, Alfie. Really.
See you tomorrow.
Now, AlfBo.
Why are you calling me that?
SuBo, never been kissed.
Never call me that again.
So, Mumsnet is back online,
and it is not good.
There is, what can only be described
as an angry hate mob
demanding I sack you.
Yeah, but luckily I've hit on a way
of you taking a brief sabbatical.
You know what they say,
out of sight,
out of murderous, angry minds.
Right?
Did you know Hoogeveen has
one of Holland's oldest peat farms?
What?
Virgins say what?
What?
This is going to be the longest
coach journey of your life.
HE LAUGHS MISCHIEVOUSLY
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd