Backstage with Katherine Ryan (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript
I'm Katherine Ryan,
and I've taken over
the famous London Roundhouse.
The last time my name was written
on a wall, it wasn't quite so flattering.
If you're surprised by what comes out
of my mouth, you should see what goes in.
Dicks.
I'm going to be joined by comedy royalty.
Welcome to fuckin' London.
Hey.
I sat in the field and got fingered.
That's it!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
But this is a standup show
with a side of gossip,
because I've put cameras everywhere.
Why is that clip there?
I specifically requested the one
where Fiona's trimming my cooch.
That's right.
I'm pulling back the comedy curtain,
mainly to find out what the stains are.
- I was circumcised at 19.
- What?
Get ready for some drama.
Katherine won't go on at all.
You've got to go.
This is Backstage
with Katherine Ryan.
I'm with Russell. All right.
Great.
All right, mate?
Oh, mate, I nearly just
went into the disabled toilet.
- Boo!
- Jesus!
- Fuck.
- No suitcase?
No suitcase, no.
- I don't need them.
- Fair enough.
Classic Joanne entrance.
Hello.
- Hello.
- How are you?
- I haven't seen you for ages.
- I'm all right.
This is so your dressing room
because you've got a little bag of nuts.
- Almonds.
- Some almonds.
Caffeine.
It's good to see you.
How's everything at home?
Yeah. It's great.
Where are you based in the country?
Are you still near me?
- Not far from you at all.
- We need to sort that out.
- We've never been out for dinner.
- I think there's something you don't know.
When we were both nominated
for the main award in Edinburgh,
and you quite rightly won,
but I burst into tears when you won,
because I was so thrilled for you,
because I thought your show was wonderful
and my agent touched my arm and went,
"It's all right." She thought
I was crying because I hadn't won.
Oh, bless.
Not only is it lovely to say,
also, now, I'm thrown into doubt,
'cause I'm just gonna do
15 minutes about masturbation later.
- Bring it right down.
- "Know when you're wankin' on a bus?"
Anyway, Sarah said,
"This bit's gone hard."
Boo!
- Yes!
- Oh, my God.
Oh, payback.
It's great. So, if I pick up
a cheeky gig in Dubai... Yes.
- Hello.
- Ah, hello!
- Hello.
- How are you?
I don't know what we do now.
We're just, like, hi.
- Hi.
- We still don't touch.
- Touching's out the window.
- Is it?
Not even elbows.
Elbows have gone.
- Really?
- Yeah, it's a shame.
- Come around.
- I kinda like it for most people.
- How are you?
- I'd embrace the two of you.
Sorry, they've taken over
my seat, the snacks.
- I like it.
- Do you drink coffee?
- No.
- Coffee?
- Yes.
- This will change your fucking life.
I have gigged with you before, Russell.
We have this pre-gig ritual.
- So, this looks like a normal mug.
- Yeah.
You put real coffee in the bottom
and let it brew.
- Plunge.
- Plunge. Coffee is trapped underneath.
- Oh!
- This feels very Dragons' Den to me.
You know what?
I've got my rider to the point where
people can't let me down.
I'm always, "He's so nice to work with."
That's 'cause I needed nothing from you.
On tour, you don't wanna be
that arsehole that they're, like,
"Oh, no, she just seems really nice,
but she's awful."
I think that happens to women
more than men.
- Difficult.
- If you're forthright
or you have an opinion
then people think you're a bitch.
And I was once in a venue where they said,
"Oh, the toilet backstage isn't working."
I opened the door
and the toilet was broken,
but there was a shower and I went,
"That's all right."
As soon as you decide that you're gonna
wee in a shower, they get a plumber out.
Within half an hour the plumber was there
and they fixed the toilet.
No!
You threatened it
rather than just did it?
Oh, it was definitely gonna happen.
"I promise I'll pee in the shower."
Hey, guys. Russell, can I bring you
to sound check, please?
- Yeah. I'm gonna check me.
- Bye.
Have a great sound check.
Thank you so, so much.
- Can't wait to see your stand-up set.
- Thank you.
- It'll be fun.
- Thanks for making time
- for us on your tour.
- Not at all.
...let alone now.
- Hello.
- Hi, babe. How's it going?
- There's a riot.
- Louder, please.
Okay, quiet, everybody. Stand by.
Mark, cue Russell.
Ladies and gents,
please welcome Russell Kane.
Don't worry, I won't do that. I will not
be doing that later. Don't panic.
Just rehearsal.
Got any gossip?
- Because I'm always thirsty for it.
- Same.
There's one girl
who makes a fortune sitting on cakes.
Sits naked on cakes and smashes them
with her ass. Makes a fortune.
Naked on cakes?
But if you're in a thong, fine.
If you're naked, sat on a cake,
a lot of that icing's going up your vag.
- Yeah, not a bad thing.
- It's sugary, it's cream.
- It's not a good idea, thrush-wise.
- It doesn't happen here,
but every summer in Ireland,
they have to do a shout-out
to remind women not to put ice pops
up their vaginas.
- Have you seen that?
- It's just Irish.
See you guys.
- Bye.
- See ya.
- I just love Katherine.
- Yeah.
Shit.
- Hi. I'm so excited about today, Geoff.
- Yeah.
- Really strong lineup.
- Very good.
You're the standby, as always.
Even if I do, like, three minutes,
I get paid.
Mmm. Russell Kane is on the show.
- He is.
- He is a slam dunk.
- Real physical stand-up.
- Yeah.
It's all in my head. Don't worry.
He was one of that
first generation of lungers as well.
I am hanging around for the bit
where he'll lunge and never get up.
Yeah.
I'm super excited about Joanne McNally.
- Yeah.
- But I'm lean on writing for her.
So, she is Irish.
She is attractive.
I think the vibe that comes
off her is hardest girl in school.
- Yeah.
- Know what I mean?
She's got that name, "Joanne McNally."
- Yeah.
- "She's getting better grades
"but she did throw acid in a girl's face."
Yeah.
This could do with a wash.
Darren Harriott.
I love Darren.
Really strong comic.
Womp-womp-womp-womp-womp.
- Darren was a nightclub bouncer.
- Yeah.
He might lose it mid-gig and forget
you're supposed to heckle put-downs
and then just be like, "Right. You, out?"
Sarah Millican,
a champion of female comedians,
and of all comics, really.
And she gave you a leg-up
in the industry, didn't she?
Ten years ago,
- gave my first writing job.
- Yeah.
I gotta be honest, Kath,
I know that my job
is to write roasts about people.
I can't.
She's not employing you anymore.
- She been in touch?
- No.
Fuck her.
Imagine if we did a gig together
and I thought I'd wait around
the whole night...
- Hello.
- Hello.
- How are you doing?
- Yeah, Good.
- Have you got fake tan?
- I have. Yeah.
I love that you wear fake tan.
I'm one of those people
whose natural color is not white,
- but sort of yellowy, gaunt.
- Olivey.
- Sallowy.
- Yeah.
- It's kinda pinky purple.
- I've stand-up about White Irish
and I might actually do it later.
Rather than being Caucasian,
we're cling film.
Like, in winter I can see through myself.
Has anyone seen Jo anywhere?
She's like Hollow Man in front of me.
- "I'm in the room, guys."
- Really white.
"I've become vapor."
- Hi, babe.
- Here.
Is that a muscle builder?
- Yeah.
- Awesome.
When Mina was gonna be born,
- I put fake tan on.
- Fake tan on?
No. For the birth of your child.
- I did.
- That's amazing.
- There was a small amount of transfer.
- No one is surprised.
Russell, that's amazing.
The baby looked jaundiced
'cause she had a yellow half face.
I'm kinda struggling with jokes
for Russell Kane.
Do you have anything good?
"Despite being old as shit,
"Russell still goes to Ibiza.
"He's like Wayne Lineker with dick jokes."
- Oh, I like that.
- Yeah.
Oh, Wayne Lineker, what an embarrassment.
"Russell has
finally nailed his look
"after spending years looking like
a Goth lesbian skateboarder."
Yeah.
Is someone in there?
- What about Joanne McNally?
- Oh, yeah.
"Joanne wears giant hooped earrings.
"She's letting you know
her minimum threshold for girth."
- You think that's what that is?
- Maybe.
You know those girls
that wear the big ones?
They're like,
"That's what it's got to be."
The bigger they get, rougher the girl is.
- Yeah.
- Though I have some really big cool hoop...
Yeah, it checks out.
How about, "Joanne looks like the kind of
girl who drunk texts while she's sober
"and then loses her phone
in a sealed room with no furniture."
Yeah, she does strike you
as the kind of girl who doesn't think
she's had a good night out
unless she's lost a shoe.
- She's Cinderella, but a slag.
- Yeah.
Okay, Katherine's about to leave.
Stand by.
I just find it hard to read reviews
because it's coming from people
who don't know anything about you.
I got one in the... I'm gonna say
Telegraph, one of the broadsheets.
It was in the interval of a DVD record.
I have a habit,
you know how you lift out a good quote.
If you're reading a review,
you lift a good quote
'cause you might be able to use it,
and the reviewer had said
they thought
I was spreading myself too thin
and I went back on stage thinking,
"Too thin. The Telegraph."
Yeah!
I would have used "spreading herself."
Have you ever had any of your peers
come after you or disagree publicly
with what you said?
Who was it? I had one comic tell me,
"Your complete lack of moral fiber
is what's gonna make you a great comic."
- Nice.
- That's cool.
- That's good, isn't it?
- Put it on a T-shirt.
Yeah! That's what I thought.
But I had a Jewish boyfriend for a while.
I definitely wasn't being anti-Semitic,
but I was talking about circumcision
and how I didn't know
if I could have kids with him
'cause I'm so anti-circumcision.
But where I come from,
all men are circumcised, routinely.
I checked. It's part of the job.
But, like, there was a Jewish actress
in the audience that night
who tweeted like,
"Katherine Ryan is so anti-Semitic."
- What?
- Which is a volatile thing to say.
- What a dick.
- I'm going to circumcise mine.
- Are you?
- Yeah. I was circumcised at 19.
What?
Yea, 'cause I had too much skin and I lost
my virginity, I went, "Why does it hurt?"
"Maybe 'cause it's the first time
and I went to the doctor,"
and he was like, "You've got phimosis,"
whatever it's called,
- and I had to get it circumcised.
- Did you keep it?
No, I didn't.
I wonder what they'd do
with all that skin.
Make it like a cat skin graft
or something.
You're looking at it, Darren.
You're looking at it.
It took about
eight months to heal.
Oh, my God.
Water couldn't even touch it.
It was horrible.
And 19-year-old boys
get so many erections.
It was...
And I remember I had to go to my mum
for her, like, sanitary towels
to put into my underwear
to keep the blood in there.
But it looks much better.
- So much more aerodynamic.
- Prove it. No.
Yes. We need our own Me Too movement.
Prove it, Darren. Prove it.
- Jesus.
- I'll let you continue to get ready.
The show is very soon,
so I've gotta go get glammed up.
There are many reviewers in.
- I'll let you know.
- Yes.
I hope it's all reviewers.
- See you later.
- Bye.
- Hiya.
- Hello.
Can I have a look at what you're
going to be wearing tonight?
Sure thing.
Big suitcase.
- No clothes in it?
- No.
- One jumper.
- What if I open the suitcase
and a Labrador comes out?
That'd be nice. I'd like that.
I don't know about a Labrador
because they moult a lot.
There we go.
What are you
gonna wear under this?
- Nothing.
- Naked.
- Yeah, so be naked.
- Naked.
Look at you. Always with the filth.
- See you later.
- See you in a bit.
Ugh. All right, Geoff,
what do you got for me?
Sarah might look nice,
but she's got a mouth
like a scaffolder in a gangbang.
Yeah, that's nice.
"Sarah doesn't want children.
"In fairness, with her IBS,
she's probably spent enough time
"pushing out things
that weigh eight pounds, six ounces."
I'm not great with poo jokes
and diarrhea in general.
It's funny, 'cause you
talk about the front
but you won't talk about the back.
- Yeah. Pussy is like sexy, clean, gorge.
- Sometimes.
Another day at the office.
It's a slightly ridiculous job
that we have, isn't it?
Darren Harriott.
"With those teeth,
if Darren went down on you,
"one slip and it's FGM."
- Hmm.
- Nah.
- Don't know how I feel about...
- I like it.
"Darren's like
the Kanye West of comedy.
"Most of what he says is deranged.
But, hey, nice trainers."
He looks like Kanye West
if he'd been styled by Asda George.
Whenever you're happy
we'll go to the makeup.
- The anti-shine has worked really well.
- Oh, yeah, I'm generally a very shiny boy.
I'm just so nervous.
You've got to.
In terms of coverage,
is that good for you?
You're the artist. I'm merely your canvas.
Thank you. Great job.
- Potentially, those with that.
- Yeah.
Stand by.
- All right. I'm gonna squeeze you in.
- Yes.
Best news of my life.
Is that really painful?
No, it could be tighter if you could.
- It could?
- Way tighter.
- Just pacing.
- Yeah.
Come in.
- So... Hiya.
- Hey, you.
- By the way, Mia's my producer.
- I know.
Do you feel like I looked a bit fat
in my tracksuit?
Fat? Absolutely not.
Because everyone goes, "Well,
but you had a baby nine weeks ago."
That's a secret way of saying,
"It's fine that you're fat."
Behind your back
is when people would call you fat.
I've spoken to Jen on the phone
behind your back.
And Jen very clearly said, "She's a witch.
I don't know how she's done it.
"She's getting into clothes
that she got into before."
- I didn't say it made me sick.
- I think we're gonna go down soon.
- We are ready to go.
- Love it.
Hello.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Hi!
- How are you, Rick?
How's it going?
- Love that positioning right by the door.
- I don't know why I'm standing here.
Hope you have a very nice show.
- I hope you have a very nice show.
- Have a nice show.
- Love that.
- Thank you. You look great.
- Shall we sit in here?
- So nice.
Can we turn this up a bit?
How amazing does it look? Looks like
there's about a thousand people there.
It's quite simple.
You're gonna be on telly tonight, 100%.
So, if you are in witness protection,
you're in the wrong place.
If you are sat next to someone
you're having an affair with,
I would move now.
When you do this, would you play
with the people at home in your mind
or would you play
with the room in your mind?
So when I've done, what is it called,
The Royal Variety,
I play to the people at home
because the people in the room
fucking hate me.
Please welcome on stage,
the wonderful Katherine Ryan!
- Respectful pause.
- You gotta go? You ready?
Hello. Welcome to the London Roundhouse.
Tonight we have some
of the funniest comedians around.
One of the nation's most beloved comics,
Sarah Millican is here.
I know!
Sarah looks sweet.
You expect her to be like,
she's your mom's friend from the bingo,
but she's got a mouth
like a scaffolder in a gangbang.
I love that.
I also get described as foul-mouthed.
If you're surprised
by what comes out of my mouth,
you should see what goes in.
Dicks.
We've also got the divine
Darren Harriott on the show.
Darren is a great guy,
but "Darren Harriott" is a weird name.
Is it an old name? Is it a young name?
It sounds like your grandfather,
but also the first boy
you got fingered by.
I do have an old name.
Then we've got Essex's
live wire Russell Kane.
Oh, Russell, that's you.
Russell has finally nailed his image
after spending years looking like
a Goth lesbian skateboarder.
Fuck off.
Russell is the Peter Pan of comedy.
He now openly admits to being 45.
Difficult to hide your age anymore
when you got double jabbed
before Graham Norton.
That's not too bad.
Yes, mate. I got away with it.
It's you next.
We also have the hilarious Joanne McNally.
Joanne looks like the kind of gal
who drunk texts when she's sober
and loses her phone
in a sealed room with no furniture.
Are you ready to welcome
Joanne McNally to the stage?
People tell Joanne
that she reminds them of me.
Keep this between us,
but that's because I grew her in a lab
in case I get into an accident
and need a new face.
It's amazing.
I've stopped wearing my seatbelt.
Please welcome an Irish citizen who's
funny enough to make up for Jedward,
it's Joanne McNally!
Hello!
Thank you.
Hello!
Oh, my God, the excitement!
I'm a White Irish woman,
which is not just a White woman,
it's White Irish,
which is not even Caucasian.
Actually, it's more like
a cling film color.
This is me with
three layers of ultra-dark tan,
'cause I didn't wanna freak you out.
We're basically raw.
We're uncooked.
I went to give a White Irish lad a blowjob
once, and I looked at him and went,
"I don't think I should eat that.
"That doesn't look safe to me."
I was tryna drag him
over to the microwave.
I was like, "We'll put you on a low heat.
Just give you a quick boil.
"I don't wanna catch whatever semen-ella
you're squirting either. Not safe!"
I'm a woman in my late 30s.
I am single and unfertilized.
See, the problem is
men are attracted to younger women.
They can smell the fertility.
It's the eggs.
They can smell them.
So, at 38, what am I going to do?
I've got half an egg left, if that.
I'm gonna have to find
a lad with long COVID
who never got a sense of smell back
and trick him.
I'll definitely need a wee.
If you give me a five-minute warning,
- otherwise I won't make it through.
- Okay.
My bladder is weaker
than the pound sterling.
Do you know
what I wish I'd done?
My biggest regret
was not getting pregnant at 15.
Why didn't I?
You don't do nothing with your teens.
I should have wasted them.
Do you know what I did with my teens?
I'll tell you.
I sat in the field and got fingered.
That's it.
That's all I did.
It was relentless.
Relentless fingering.
I'm surprised you've any elasticity left.
I don't even know if I could keep
a baby in there at this stage.
Such was the fingering.
I really like her pacing.
Yeah. She's a bit like a caged lion,
isn't she?
- Yeah.
- Like, the energy.
I'm back on the apps.
This lad I matched with,
now he's a little bit younger than me.
Teeny bit younger, so a different
generation and he's from London,
so obviously he has
wizard glasses and no socks
because that's what they do.
Someone sent a manifesto around London
that men have to wear wizard glasses
with no socks. They're sockless wizards.
My only option. It's all I have,
there's literally nothing else out there.
Met him in a pub.
Got him back to the house.
The riding begins.
We're four thrusts in,
he still has the little glasses on him.
I'm thinking, "That's a weird flex.
"I'm not gonna say anything.
Just gonna roll with it."
So, we're working away.
Well, he's working.
I'm obviously just lying there
like a lazy bitch.
Then he takes the glasses off.
I realize what's happened.
I've been tricked.
The man has tiny eyes.
Tiny, teeny, tiny, non-human sized eyes.
They were like a ferret's eyes.
I've never been more freaked out.
It was like riding a hedgehog.
They were just tiny.
"Is he blind?"
It's like, "Hello, are you okay?
Are you safe?"
He's like, "Where are the condoms?"
I was like, "Where are the condoms?
Where are your eyes?"
The things you had in the pub.
He tricked me.
The glasses made it look like
he had human-sized eyes, he did not.
But what was worse
than the secret blindness
was he was totally
stone cold silent during sex.
It's not crack. Sure, it's not.
I'm not into silent sex. Who is?
Actually, I'm sure some people are.
I'm sure it's like a fetish
and there's women out there making
a fortune working as prosti-mutes.
And they're just like...
"Prosti-mutes."
Not me. I like a bit of chat.
So, I gave him a good, "Yeah."
Now, as you all know, men love a "Yeah."
"Yeah.
"Yeah.
"Yep."
They love a yeah
'cause then they know it's consensual.
No one's going to prison.
I was like, "Okay, let's keep it going."
His little eyes are rolling around
like a magic eight ball in his sockets.
To try and keep it up I was like,
"Yeah. Delicious.
"No one's ever been in me
this silently before."
His eyes come darting down
and he locks in, little raisins.
I was like... rollin' around.
He's like, "Joanne, is it?"
I went, "Yeah."
He goes, "Do you mind
keeping that chat down?"
Yeah!
He said it's distracting.
I said, "I hear people using ATM machines
outside my window. That's distracting."
Anyway, do you know what I said?
I said, "Joanne, the man is blind.
"You can't kick him out now.
"Just write it off as a diversity shag
and move on."
Thank you, I've been Joanne McNally.
Good night!
- Joanne McNally!
- Great job!
All right. It is time now to hear
from the glorious Russell Kane.
Russell hid his age longer
than Phillip Schofield hid his sexuality.
Despite being elderly,
Russell still goes to Ibiza.
He's like Wayne Lineker with dick jokes.
- Oh, my God.
- Please welcome Russell Kane.
You bastard.
- Well done, Joanne!
- Thank you.
- She's not happy.
- Thank you.
- She should be.
- Great job!
I'm trying to think
what I wanted to share tonight,
and I realized after the years we've had
and the lockdown in 2020,
it's really taught us
what makes a relationship work.
Any relationship, friends, sister,
brother, but certainly romantic.
I wouldn't dare speak to any women
aged 18 to 25 watching this at home.
I would not. You know why?
You cannot be helped.
No. You suffer from a horrific condition
called attracted-to-bastard disease,
and you just have to outgrow it.
"Look at him. He looks like
he might emotionally abuse me.
"Excuse me,
can you buy me a drink, please?"
This is amazing
for getting energy into a room.
This is Russell's playground, isn't it?
It gets boring, doesn't it, ladies who are
over 30? It gets boring pretty quick.
Once you've had your heart shat out
for the third time when you're about 28,
you'll be ready for the boys like me
who enjoyed our GCSEs. Yeah?
And we'll be waiting, won't we, nerds?
Yeah, that's it.
Touch the end of it while I talk
about Dungeons & Dragons, please.
Nerds clapping!
All hail the nerds.
The thing is, I'm only talking about
how being nice is not sexually attractive.
Sort that out, ladies.
Make that the next thing feminism solves,
that niceness is attractive.
Boo! Then you get rid
of bellend toxic men. Solved.
And... Not some of the shit
that men come up with.
Just switch on any dating show
or listen to your friends.
"I wanna date the girl version of me."
"You what, mate?" "Yeah, that's what
I want. I'm looking for a copy of me."
You narcissistic, self-obsessed
fuckin' loser if you've ever used that.
"I wanna date a girl version of myself."
Oh, that's healthy.
Why don't you just bend your dick
around and enter yourself?
Get it over and done with.
"That's what I'm looking for. Me!"
You loser.
He does a lot of thrusting.
Yeah.
- Nice one, mate.
- No, I didn't like that at all.
- It wasn't coming across.
- When they don't laugh...
it's like my brain just, like,
starts disintegrating. I'm like... Yeah.
Hey, it was... You were great.
The thing is you sold it.
The bit with the eye, the glasses,
that routine, fuckin' nailed it.
- The tiny eyes and the fingering?
- Exactly!
What is my career?
So, what is the answer?
The answer is try and find people,
and I know some of you that are
happily married already know this,
but try and find people
that's got what you've got missing.
Like a Tetris piece.
Someone who's opposite enough to you
to fill in the gaps you don't have.
Look at me, I'm high energy.
That's what you need,
if you're a high-energy mental meerkat
on 800 Red Bulls
doing cardio next to the dishwasher,
never been in debt, always early,
make sure you date an annoying Buddha
that leaves a sock on the floor
and is always in debt and late.
Let me give you a couple more
practical examples to help you.
Bath people should date shower people.
Do you know, Lindsey, my wife,
because I'm heterosexual.
Lindsey, she can do an hour's bath,
an hour's bath like this, 60 minutes.
No podcast, no book. Just floating.
Do you know what else floats?
Corpses and turds. That's what.
And that's what you are when you
have a bath. A dirty, dead shit.
"A dirty, dead shit."
I'm a shower person.
Who are the shower people? Don't be shy.
Short, hot, violent. I mean, done.
Savlon on my burns. And then I...
I jog on to my next goal,
which I achieve with passion and clarity.
Shall I give you another example?
Morning people should date night people.
Lindsey will speak into my eye
as it opens.
"Morning," as though it can receive sound.
"Morning."
Who's sat with a person who's good to go?
"I'm good to go
first thing in the morning.
"I'm just so happy when I first wake up.
"Sometimes I hang my finger out the window
and a robin lands on it. Oh! Oh! Oh!"
I'm a night person. Who are the
night people? It's genetic. Can't help it.
I love that feeling of having
the house to yourself. Don't you?
Everyone's in bed, all the morning people,
and you're like,
"It's mine, it's 2:00 a.m. It's 3:00 a.m.
The house is to myself."
Sometimes a morning person gets up for
a wee and you're like, "I'm still awake!
"I haven't been to bed yet."
One last example.
"In sickness and in health." What does
that mean in our theory of opposites?
It means you want one who's on it,
obsessed with every symptom, on a crisis.
And one who doesn't give a shit,
no matter what's going down.
- There you go.
- Get in the mood.
If you've drank too much,
if you've been on it,
you've been out to the pub
and you get ill at the end of the night,
that's one's undeniable. You're either
a drama vomiter or you're not.
Lindsey's like... We'll be drinking,
all night, go pale for a second
and, "Oh, my God, I'm gonna be violently
sick. Bleh." What the fuck was that?
How are you doing that?
Is there anyone like that?
You'll be like me.
You know who you are,
the Vomarottis in the room.
Two hours of dramatic pacing
with contractions.
"Soon I will be sick.
Prepare my vomit chamber upstairs.
"Prepare the bathroom
with my drama blanket and bowl, please.
"Soon Vomarotti's performance will begin,
prepare yourself."
Just like the contractions.
"The contractions are getting
closer together. I'm dilating."
Then you actually throw up in Italian.
So many lunges.
It's Pilates, isn't it?
He's the Pilate kid.
Pilate kid!
Long after the body is emptied,
it continues.
And that's how we can solve
Iran and Brexit.
Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you very much, good night.
Lovely. Stage is definitely yours.
- Well done. Incredible!
- Thanks, Katherine.
The effervescent Russell Kane.
Did you hear what Katherine said
before she brought me on?
My God, she was savage.
- I didn't.
- "He's finally acknowledging he's 45
"and he's the basically
the Wayne Lineker of dick jokes."
Well, A, I don't do dick jokes
and B, Wayne Lineker's about 60.
I do dick jokes. Call me Wayne Lineker.
What's that? What's that?
Darren Harriott, Darren Harriott, Darren!
Yes, it sounds like
it's time to welcome Darren Harriott.
Now, if you haven't seen Darren's comedy,
join the massive club.
I'm joking.
Darren's been on TV shows with audiences
that would make GB News jealous.
Darren has a very loud voice.
Please welcome the guy
who's always smiling,
mainly because his teeth are so big
he doesn't have a choice.
It's Darren Harriott!
- Thank you, Katherine. Thank you.
- Have a good time, Darren.
Look at this.
How you doin'? You good?
It's nice to be here
back at The Roundhouse.
I used to work here, man.
Used to do a bit of security.
I'll be honest. Ain't changed.
Same Wi-Fi code.
Tell you what I found so hard
about working as a security guard,
you get a lot of insults.
I remember a fight kicked off,
we chucked this kid out,
he just looked at me and he went,
"Yeah, you're a bouncer!
Is that what you always wanted to be?"
I was like,
"Oh, you're cutting deep there."
What do you say to that?
That's not how being a bouncer works.
There was no moment
I realized I wanted to be a bouncer.
It's not like I was in school as a kid
and my teacher sent me out
the class for talking,
and I stood next to the door and I was
like, "Actually, I'm pretty good at this."
This is one of the nicest places
I used to work.
Used to work a lot of rough clubs,
especially when I first
started out in Birmingham.
Really rough clubs,
so rough I used to wear
a bulletproof vest on the doors.
Yeah. A secondhand bulletproof vest.
Got it from this guy's house,
he sold bulletproof vests.
That's a career choice you can have.
I remember, I walked into his house,
he had these vests, and I said to him,
"Ah, which is your cheapest one?"
And he went, "That one!"
And I paid for it
and as I'm about to leave,
he stops me right at the door and he goes,
"Quick reminder about this vest.
It's got 20-meter radius on it."
I've gone, "I know what that means.
If somebody was like shooting me,
"within 20 meters, I'm protected."
He goes, "No,
"they have to be outside 20 meters."
I'm like,
"Oh, that's very fucking different."
I'm not trying to avoid sniper fire.
So I had to take this vest
and I'd wear it on this really rough
nightclub doors in Birmingham
and I'd always think to myself, "Man,
if somebody was to pull a gun out
"and try and shoot me,
"I'd have to use reverse psychology
or something..."
"Anyone can shoot
from that distance.
"Call yourself a man?
You'd better go 21 meters away."
Hi, Geoff.
- Is it that stage?
- Yeah.
Katherine won't go on at all.
You've gotta go. Come on, quickly.
I'll come with you.
We've literally just found out
that you tested positive for COVID.
- No!
- I'm so sorry.
Fuck's sake.
- We just need to isolate you.
- Okay.
I live alone.
Sorry, I don't know why I said that
like it's court ordered.
I had lots of dreams
before the lockdown, man.
Got a house
two months before the lockdown.
I was like, "It's gonna be great. I have
my own place, have all my mates around."
Brought a lot of board games.
I was like, "We're gonna get drunk.
We're gonna play board games."
That's where I'm at now.
I'm acting like posh White people.
Then lockdown happened.
And it's just me and my board games.
You ever played Jenga by yourself?
Hungry Hungry Hippos
is just one very full hippo.
- Geoff. Geoff.
- Yeah?
Hello, mate.
- So, they want you to introduce Sarah.
- Fuck!
- You got, you got...
- What, I'm actually going?
Good, mate.
Tell you what I got into,
tried for the first time,
and became a problem
during lockdown.
Red wine.
I had never tried red wine before.
But now, love it!
I like to drink red wine
in front of gangsters. Hey!
Okay. Love it.
Love the labels on red wine,
they always sound really fun.
It's like, "the fused aromatic spices give
you this rich feeling." I'm like, "Whoa!"
Don't get that with beer!
Here's my problem with the labels.
I am done with the serving suggestion,
'cause it always makes it seem like
you've got a classier evening planned.
Like, "This wine goes well with lamb."
"Lamb?"
"I'm not having lamb!
"I hope this tastes good with Quavers."
You guys have been absolutely amazing.
It's... It's a dream of mine to come back
and perform a venue I used to work at.
So this is really special for me.
Thank you very much.
I've been Darren Harriott. Peace out.
I just had to
hold on for it. Done.
- Thanks.
- That was fun.
- Well done!
- Thank you.
And applause, please.
Please welcome Geoff Norcott!
Hello. Hello, hello.
Hi.
I'm, uh...
Kath can't make it back out for this bit,
so I'm gonna do some of her stuff.
I can't fucking remember it. Hang on.
As a Canadian woman...
how about these tits?
Where's Katherine?
Sorry, Sarah. If I knew
what was going on, I'd tell you.
At the moment, we're waiting to find out.
I hope Katherine's all right.
It does just look like an electrician
just wandered on stage, doesn't it?
Why the fuck is this bloke
who looks like he spends his weekends
defending statues just walked out?
You know, if I do four minutes
of stand-up, I actually get the fee.
So, cheers for this.
Yeah, I know you judge me,
but I have had the vaccine.
Yeah. Despite looking like someone
who'd be ideologically opposed to it.
I had the Pfizer.
Had the Pfizer. I'm very patriotic,
but if I want something done properly,
I will go German. I'm not stupid.
- Geoff?
- What?
Are you fucking serious?
What, I've got to bring Sarah on now?
- Yes, please.
- Okay.
Yeah, then I guess I've got to bring on
the one and only Sarah Millican.
Yeah. Sarah Millican! Yeah.
Fucking joke. Have fun.
Mark, could you not do me a solid?
One more minute and the money's mine.
So sorry!
Thank you very much.
How the fuck are you? Are you well?
Good? I am very glad.
You remember during the pandemic
when shops were terrifying
and we all had to order food online.
You remember this?
I downloaded all of the apps
for all of the different supermarkets.
Desperately working my way around
to see if I could get a delivery slot.
When I did, I shouted to my husband
who was in the kitchen, I shouted,
"I've got a slot, I've got a slot,
come and help me fill it!"
Used to mean something else.
The slot that I got was on the Asda app.
Started to put... That's not a joke.
Welcome to fuckin' London.
Up north that would have got
a round of applause.
"Asda, we fuckin' love Asda,"
and you're like,
"It wasn't Waitrose, poor you."
I started to put things in my basket,
all the usual things,
bread and milk and stuff,
got up to the fruit,
the fruit was sectioned off into different
areas. There was a exotic fruit section,
and I thought, "I'll have a look
and see what exotic fruit Asda has."
They had a papaya. "A papaya!"
And I thought,
"Yeah, there might be
a global pandemic happening, Asda,
"but I will have a fuckin' papaya,
thanks very much."
And when I added it to the basket
on the Asda app,
I half expected it to go, "Ooh!"
Don't always get what you want when you
order food online. You get substitutions.
Asda didn't have any papayas.
They just sent me two pies,
which was good enough.
- Is she okay?
- I don't know what's happening at all.
Been watching a lot of telly.
Something I'd never seen before,
of course, I've seen normal Bake Off,
of course I have,
I'd never seen Junior Bake Off before.
If you haven't, I highly recommend it.
I think it's the single best comedy
Channel 4 has ever made.
I don't have children. I didn't know
how entertaining it is to watch kids cry.
Fuck, that's good telly, isn't it?
They have weird names
and they have weirder hobbies.
"Aslan is nine...
"and he paints with oils
"and caters for the school fete."
Very different if I was on that program
as a kid, though.
"Sarah doesn't have many friends
"and isn't allowed a dog,
"but has solved both problems
"by pullin' a piece of wool along
and calling it Waffles."
But also something they should definitely
transfer from Junior Bake Off
to adult Bake Off is the height ratio
between the bakers
and the fridge freezers.
I am not sure there's anything funnier
than a child who doesn't
understand physics
lifting a tray of cupcakes
they've made themselves,
over their heads at the wrong angle
till they tumble down
on their fucking heads.
Glorious, absolutely glorious.
Is she not gonna close the show?
I think we're gonna be
in the green room on our own.
Or she's popping home,
sorting it and coming back.
I got new glasses about a month ago.
I went to the optician.
You know the bit where they say,
"And is it clearer now?
"And now?"
I don't think they tell them
at optician school
that 90% of their future job
is just finding fancier ways of saying,
"And now? And now! And now!
"And now?" "Too far."
Then she said,
"I want you to read the bottom line,"
I said, "No problem."
I went, "J" and then I went "B"
and she said, "Can I just stop you there?
They're numbers."
My husband had gone in for his appointment
with a different optician
and I said, "What's the verdict?
What did they say about your eyes?"
He said,
"Well, they said they're sort of the same,
"in fact, if anything, they might be
a bit fuckin' better."
It's not fair, it's not fair.
Like, how do your eyes improve?
He's not Wolverine.
Yeah.
But it's exactly the same
when we go to the dentist.
I have, and I don't think this is common,
a loyalty card at the dentist.
It's not common, is it?
It's a little bit of cardboard.
It's got all your teeth drawn on it.
Every time I get a filling,
they color another one in.
And when it's full, I get diabetes.
The last time my husband had
a scrape and polish at the dentist,
he went to pay, and the lady said,
"No, you can have this one free of charge
"'cause your wife is
such a good customer."
And I feel like his eyes are improvin'
and his teeth are always good.
I've got a horrible feelin'
we're turnin' into Richard and Judy.
Do you know what I mean?
I don't think Judy Finnegan is aging
badly. She's agin' normally.
He, I think,
is drinking the blood of a virgin.
Also, every time he opens his mouth,
we cringe, "What is he gonna say?"
She's glad he's not goin' down on her.
I just put that terrible image
in all of your heads.
You're all gonna go to sleep
thinkin' of him goin' down on her.
I'm so sorry, and you're welcome.
You guys have been an absolute treat.
Thank you so much.
Take care everybody.
Good night, thank you.
Well done. That was brilliant.
Now, we are done.
That is the end of the show.
I hope you had a lovely evening.
- Do we know what's going on?
- No, it must be an emergency.
Can you please give it up
for Katherine Ryan,
for Russell Kane, for Joanne McNally,
for Darren Harriott,
for Sarah Millican!
Look after yourselves. Good night!
It has to be something pretty
severe for Katherine to leave the show.
She's such a pro.
- Hey! It's nice to meet you.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- How are you?
My name's Dave.
I haven't met you formally yet,
but I've been employed as the COVID guy.
So tonight what happened
is that we had a positive result.
- From?
- From Katherine.
- Oh, no!
- Oh, my God!
She's probably done this evening,
it's when I found out.
We took Katherine away and isolated her,
and then I notified production,
and production notified people around her,
notified the venue, and I'm notifying you.
Production have asked me
to come and have this chat with you now.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
So, my chat to you now is to ask...
To answer any of your questions,
fears, concerns.
If we're double jabbed,
do we have to quarantine?
That's a really good question.
So if you are double vaccinated,
then you don't have to quarantine.
- Yeah.
- Jeez, I hope she's okay.
and I've taken over
the famous London Roundhouse.
The last time my name was written
on a wall, it wasn't quite so flattering.
If you're surprised by what comes out
of my mouth, you should see what goes in.
Dicks.
I'm going to be joined by comedy royalty.
Welcome to fuckin' London.
Hey.
I sat in the field and got fingered.
That's it!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
But this is a standup show
with a side of gossip,
because I've put cameras everywhere.
Why is that clip there?
I specifically requested the one
where Fiona's trimming my cooch.
That's right.
I'm pulling back the comedy curtain,
mainly to find out what the stains are.
- I was circumcised at 19.
- What?
Get ready for some drama.
Katherine won't go on at all.
You've got to go.
This is Backstage
with Katherine Ryan.
I'm with Russell. All right.
Great.
All right, mate?
Oh, mate, I nearly just
went into the disabled toilet.
- Boo!
- Jesus!
- Fuck.
- No suitcase?
No suitcase, no.
- I don't need them.
- Fair enough.
Classic Joanne entrance.
Hello.
- Hello.
- How are you?
- I haven't seen you for ages.
- I'm all right.
This is so your dressing room
because you've got a little bag of nuts.
- Almonds.
- Some almonds.
Caffeine.
It's good to see you.
How's everything at home?
Yeah. It's great.
Where are you based in the country?
Are you still near me?
- Not far from you at all.
- We need to sort that out.
- We've never been out for dinner.
- I think there's something you don't know.
When we were both nominated
for the main award in Edinburgh,
and you quite rightly won,
but I burst into tears when you won,
because I was so thrilled for you,
because I thought your show was wonderful
and my agent touched my arm and went,
"It's all right." She thought
I was crying because I hadn't won.
Oh, bless.
Not only is it lovely to say,
also, now, I'm thrown into doubt,
'cause I'm just gonna do
15 minutes about masturbation later.
- Bring it right down.
- "Know when you're wankin' on a bus?"
Anyway, Sarah said,
"This bit's gone hard."
Boo!
- Yes!
- Oh, my God.
Oh, payback.
It's great. So, if I pick up
a cheeky gig in Dubai... Yes.
- Hello.
- Ah, hello!
- Hello.
- How are you?
I don't know what we do now.
We're just, like, hi.
- Hi.
- We still don't touch.
- Touching's out the window.
- Is it?
Not even elbows.
Elbows have gone.
- Really?
- Yeah, it's a shame.
- Come around.
- I kinda like it for most people.
- How are you?
- I'd embrace the two of you.
Sorry, they've taken over
my seat, the snacks.
- I like it.
- Do you drink coffee?
- No.
- Coffee?
- Yes.
- This will change your fucking life.
I have gigged with you before, Russell.
We have this pre-gig ritual.
- So, this looks like a normal mug.
- Yeah.
You put real coffee in the bottom
and let it brew.
- Plunge.
- Plunge. Coffee is trapped underneath.
- Oh!
- This feels very Dragons' Den to me.
You know what?
I've got my rider to the point where
people can't let me down.
I'm always, "He's so nice to work with."
That's 'cause I needed nothing from you.
On tour, you don't wanna be
that arsehole that they're, like,
"Oh, no, she just seems really nice,
but she's awful."
I think that happens to women
more than men.
- Difficult.
- If you're forthright
or you have an opinion
then people think you're a bitch.
And I was once in a venue where they said,
"Oh, the toilet backstage isn't working."
I opened the door
and the toilet was broken,
but there was a shower and I went,
"That's all right."
As soon as you decide that you're gonna
wee in a shower, they get a plumber out.
Within half an hour the plumber was there
and they fixed the toilet.
No!
You threatened it
rather than just did it?
Oh, it was definitely gonna happen.
"I promise I'll pee in the shower."
Hey, guys. Russell, can I bring you
to sound check, please?
- Yeah. I'm gonna check me.
- Bye.
Have a great sound check.
Thank you so, so much.
- Can't wait to see your stand-up set.
- Thank you.
- It'll be fun.
- Thanks for making time
- for us on your tour.
- Not at all.
...let alone now.
- Hello.
- Hi, babe. How's it going?
- There's a riot.
- Louder, please.
Okay, quiet, everybody. Stand by.
Mark, cue Russell.
Ladies and gents,
please welcome Russell Kane.
Don't worry, I won't do that. I will not
be doing that later. Don't panic.
Just rehearsal.
Got any gossip?
- Because I'm always thirsty for it.
- Same.
There's one girl
who makes a fortune sitting on cakes.
Sits naked on cakes and smashes them
with her ass. Makes a fortune.
Naked on cakes?
But if you're in a thong, fine.
If you're naked, sat on a cake,
a lot of that icing's going up your vag.
- Yeah, not a bad thing.
- It's sugary, it's cream.
- It's not a good idea, thrush-wise.
- It doesn't happen here,
but every summer in Ireland,
they have to do a shout-out
to remind women not to put ice pops
up their vaginas.
- Have you seen that?
- It's just Irish.
See you guys.
- Bye.
- See ya.
- I just love Katherine.
- Yeah.
Shit.
- Hi. I'm so excited about today, Geoff.
- Yeah.
- Really strong lineup.
- Very good.
You're the standby, as always.
Even if I do, like, three minutes,
I get paid.
Mmm. Russell Kane is on the show.
- He is.
- He is a slam dunk.
- Real physical stand-up.
- Yeah.
It's all in my head. Don't worry.
He was one of that
first generation of lungers as well.
I am hanging around for the bit
where he'll lunge and never get up.
Yeah.
I'm super excited about Joanne McNally.
- Yeah.
- But I'm lean on writing for her.
So, she is Irish.
She is attractive.
I think the vibe that comes
off her is hardest girl in school.
- Yeah.
- Know what I mean?
She's got that name, "Joanne McNally."
- Yeah.
- "She's getting better grades
"but she did throw acid in a girl's face."
Yeah.
This could do with a wash.
Darren Harriott.
I love Darren.
Really strong comic.
Womp-womp-womp-womp-womp.
- Darren was a nightclub bouncer.
- Yeah.
He might lose it mid-gig and forget
you're supposed to heckle put-downs
and then just be like, "Right. You, out?"
Sarah Millican,
a champion of female comedians,
and of all comics, really.
And she gave you a leg-up
in the industry, didn't she?
Ten years ago,
- gave my first writing job.
- Yeah.
I gotta be honest, Kath,
I know that my job
is to write roasts about people.
I can't.
She's not employing you anymore.
- She been in touch?
- No.
Fuck her.
Imagine if we did a gig together
and I thought I'd wait around
the whole night...
- Hello.
- Hello.
- How are you doing?
- Yeah, Good.
- Have you got fake tan?
- I have. Yeah.
I love that you wear fake tan.
I'm one of those people
whose natural color is not white,
- but sort of yellowy, gaunt.
- Olivey.
- Sallowy.
- Yeah.
- It's kinda pinky purple.
- I've stand-up about White Irish
and I might actually do it later.
Rather than being Caucasian,
we're cling film.
Like, in winter I can see through myself.
Has anyone seen Jo anywhere?
She's like Hollow Man in front of me.
- "I'm in the room, guys."
- Really white.
"I've become vapor."
- Hi, babe.
- Here.
Is that a muscle builder?
- Yeah.
- Awesome.
When Mina was gonna be born,
- I put fake tan on.
- Fake tan on?
No. For the birth of your child.
- I did.
- That's amazing.
- There was a small amount of transfer.
- No one is surprised.
Russell, that's amazing.
The baby looked jaundiced
'cause she had a yellow half face.
I'm kinda struggling with jokes
for Russell Kane.
Do you have anything good?
"Despite being old as shit,
"Russell still goes to Ibiza.
"He's like Wayne Lineker with dick jokes."
- Oh, I like that.
- Yeah.
Oh, Wayne Lineker, what an embarrassment.
"Russell has
finally nailed his look
"after spending years looking like
a Goth lesbian skateboarder."
Yeah.
Is someone in there?
- What about Joanne McNally?
- Oh, yeah.
"Joanne wears giant hooped earrings.
"She's letting you know
her minimum threshold for girth."
- You think that's what that is?
- Maybe.
You know those girls
that wear the big ones?
They're like,
"That's what it's got to be."
The bigger they get, rougher the girl is.
- Yeah.
- Though I have some really big cool hoop...
Yeah, it checks out.
How about, "Joanne looks like the kind of
girl who drunk texts while she's sober
"and then loses her phone
in a sealed room with no furniture."
Yeah, she does strike you
as the kind of girl who doesn't think
she's had a good night out
unless she's lost a shoe.
- She's Cinderella, but a slag.
- Yeah.
Okay, Katherine's about to leave.
Stand by.
I just find it hard to read reviews
because it's coming from people
who don't know anything about you.
I got one in the... I'm gonna say
Telegraph, one of the broadsheets.
It was in the interval of a DVD record.
I have a habit,
you know how you lift out a good quote.
If you're reading a review,
you lift a good quote
'cause you might be able to use it,
and the reviewer had said
they thought
I was spreading myself too thin
and I went back on stage thinking,
"Too thin. The Telegraph."
Yeah!
I would have used "spreading herself."
Have you ever had any of your peers
come after you or disagree publicly
with what you said?
Who was it? I had one comic tell me,
"Your complete lack of moral fiber
is what's gonna make you a great comic."
- Nice.
- That's cool.
- That's good, isn't it?
- Put it on a T-shirt.
Yeah! That's what I thought.
But I had a Jewish boyfriend for a while.
I definitely wasn't being anti-Semitic,
but I was talking about circumcision
and how I didn't know
if I could have kids with him
'cause I'm so anti-circumcision.
But where I come from,
all men are circumcised, routinely.
I checked. It's part of the job.
But, like, there was a Jewish actress
in the audience that night
who tweeted like,
"Katherine Ryan is so anti-Semitic."
- What?
- Which is a volatile thing to say.
- What a dick.
- I'm going to circumcise mine.
- Are you?
- Yeah. I was circumcised at 19.
What?
Yea, 'cause I had too much skin and I lost
my virginity, I went, "Why does it hurt?"
"Maybe 'cause it's the first time
and I went to the doctor,"
and he was like, "You've got phimosis,"
whatever it's called,
- and I had to get it circumcised.
- Did you keep it?
No, I didn't.
I wonder what they'd do
with all that skin.
Make it like a cat skin graft
or something.
You're looking at it, Darren.
You're looking at it.
It took about
eight months to heal.
Oh, my God.
Water couldn't even touch it.
It was horrible.
And 19-year-old boys
get so many erections.
It was...
And I remember I had to go to my mum
for her, like, sanitary towels
to put into my underwear
to keep the blood in there.
But it looks much better.
- So much more aerodynamic.
- Prove it. No.
Yes. We need our own Me Too movement.
Prove it, Darren. Prove it.
- Jesus.
- I'll let you continue to get ready.
The show is very soon,
so I've gotta go get glammed up.
There are many reviewers in.
- I'll let you know.
- Yes.
I hope it's all reviewers.
- See you later.
- Bye.
- Hiya.
- Hello.
Can I have a look at what you're
going to be wearing tonight?
Sure thing.
Big suitcase.
- No clothes in it?
- No.
- One jumper.
- What if I open the suitcase
and a Labrador comes out?
That'd be nice. I'd like that.
I don't know about a Labrador
because they moult a lot.
There we go.
What are you
gonna wear under this?
- Nothing.
- Naked.
- Yeah, so be naked.
- Naked.
Look at you. Always with the filth.
- See you later.
- See you in a bit.
Ugh. All right, Geoff,
what do you got for me?
Sarah might look nice,
but she's got a mouth
like a scaffolder in a gangbang.
Yeah, that's nice.
"Sarah doesn't want children.
"In fairness, with her IBS,
she's probably spent enough time
"pushing out things
that weigh eight pounds, six ounces."
I'm not great with poo jokes
and diarrhea in general.
It's funny, 'cause you
talk about the front
but you won't talk about the back.
- Yeah. Pussy is like sexy, clean, gorge.
- Sometimes.
Another day at the office.
It's a slightly ridiculous job
that we have, isn't it?
Darren Harriott.
"With those teeth,
if Darren went down on you,
"one slip and it's FGM."
- Hmm.
- Nah.
- Don't know how I feel about...
- I like it.
"Darren's like
the Kanye West of comedy.
"Most of what he says is deranged.
But, hey, nice trainers."
He looks like Kanye West
if he'd been styled by Asda George.
Whenever you're happy
we'll go to the makeup.
- The anti-shine has worked really well.
- Oh, yeah, I'm generally a very shiny boy.
I'm just so nervous.
You've got to.
In terms of coverage,
is that good for you?
You're the artist. I'm merely your canvas.
Thank you. Great job.
- Potentially, those with that.
- Yeah.
Stand by.
- All right. I'm gonna squeeze you in.
- Yes.
Best news of my life.
Is that really painful?
No, it could be tighter if you could.
- It could?
- Way tighter.
- Just pacing.
- Yeah.
Come in.
- So... Hiya.
- Hey, you.
- By the way, Mia's my producer.
- I know.
Do you feel like I looked a bit fat
in my tracksuit?
Fat? Absolutely not.
Because everyone goes, "Well,
but you had a baby nine weeks ago."
That's a secret way of saying,
"It's fine that you're fat."
Behind your back
is when people would call you fat.
I've spoken to Jen on the phone
behind your back.
And Jen very clearly said, "She's a witch.
I don't know how she's done it.
"She's getting into clothes
that she got into before."
- I didn't say it made me sick.
- I think we're gonna go down soon.
- We are ready to go.
- Love it.
Hello.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Hi!
- How are you, Rick?
How's it going?
- Love that positioning right by the door.
- I don't know why I'm standing here.
Hope you have a very nice show.
- I hope you have a very nice show.
- Have a nice show.
- Love that.
- Thank you. You look great.
- Shall we sit in here?
- So nice.
Can we turn this up a bit?
How amazing does it look? Looks like
there's about a thousand people there.
It's quite simple.
You're gonna be on telly tonight, 100%.
So, if you are in witness protection,
you're in the wrong place.
If you are sat next to someone
you're having an affair with,
I would move now.
When you do this, would you play
with the people at home in your mind
or would you play
with the room in your mind?
So when I've done, what is it called,
The Royal Variety,
I play to the people at home
because the people in the room
fucking hate me.
Please welcome on stage,
the wonderful Katherine Ryan!
- Respectful pause.
- You gotta go? You ready?
Hello. Welcome to the London Roundhouse.
Tonight we have some
of the funniest comedians around.
One of the nation's most beloved comics,
Sarah Millican is here.
I know!
Sarah looks sweet.
You expect her to be like,
she's your mom's friend from the bingo,
but she's got a mouth
like a scaffolder in a gangbang.
I love that.
I also get described as foul-mouthed.
If you're surprised
by what comes out of my mouth,
you should see what goes in.
Dicks.
We've also got the divine
Darren Harriott on the show.
Darren is a great guy,
but "Darren Harriott" is a weird name.
Is it an old name? Is it a young name?
It sounds like your grandfather,
but also the first boy
you got fingered by.
I do have an old name.
Then we've got Essex's
live wire Russell Kane.
Oh, Russell, that's you.
Russell has finally nailed his image
after spending years looking like
a Goth lesbian skateboarder.
Fuck off.
Russell is the Peter Pan of comedy.
He now openly admits to being 45.
Difficult to hide your age anymore
when you got double jabbed
before Graham Norton.
That's not too bad.
Yes, mate. I got away with it.
It's you next.
We also have the hilarious Joanne McNally.
Joanne looks like the kind of gal
who drunk texts when she's sober
and loses her phone
in a sealed room with no furniture.
Are you ready to welcome
Joanne McNally to the stage?
People tell Joanne
that she reminds them of me.
Keep this between us,
but that's because I grew her in a lab
in case I get into an accident
and need a new face.
It's amazing.
I've stopped wearing my seatbelt.
Please welcome an Irish citizen who's
funny enough to make up for Jedward,
it's Joanne McNally!
Hello!
Thank you.
Hello!
Oh, my God, the excitement!
I'm a White Irish woman,
which is not just a White woman,
it's White Irish,
which is not even Caucasian.
Actually, it's more like
a cling film color.
This is me with
three layers of ultra-dark tan,
'cause I didn't wanna freak you out.
We're basically raw.
We're uncooked.
I went to give a White Irish lad a blowjob
once, and I looked at him and went,
"I don't think I should eat that.
"That doesn't look safe to me."
I was tryna drag him
over to the microwave.
I was like, "We'll put you on a low heat.
Just give you a quick boil.
"I don't wanna catch whatever semen-ella
you're squirting either. Not safe!"
I'm a woman in my late 30s.
I am single and unfertilized.
See, the problem is
men are attracted to younger women.
They can smell the fertility.
It's the eggs.
They can smell them.
So, at 38, what am I going to do?
I've got half an egg left, if that.
I'm gonna have to find
a lad with long COVID
who never got a sense of smell back
and trick him.
I'll definitely need a wee.
If you give me a five-minute warning,
- otherwise I won't make it through.
- Okay.
My bladder is weaker
than the pound sterling.
Do you know
what I wish I'd done?
My biggest regret
was not getting pregnant at 15.
Why didn't I?
You don't do nothing with your teens.
I should have wasted them.
Do you know what I did with my teens?
I'll tell you.
I sat in the field and got fingered.
That's it.
That's all I did.
It was relentless.
Relentless fingering.
I'm surprised you've any elasticity left.
I don't even know if I could keep
a baby in there at this stage.
Such was the fingering.
I really like her pacing.
Yeah. She's a bit like a caged lion,
isn't she?
- Yeah.
- Like, the energy.
I'm back on the apps.
This lad I matched with,
now he's a little bit younger than me.
Teeny bit younger, so a different
generation and he's from London,
so obviously he has
wizard glasses and no socks
because that's what they do.
Someone sent a manifesto around London
that men have to wear wizard glasses
with no socks. They're sockless wizards.
My only option. It's all I have,
there's literally nothing else out there.
Met him in a pub.
Got him back to the house.
The riding begins.
We're four thrusts in,
he still has the little glasses on him.
I'm thinking, "That's a weird flex.
"I'm not gonna say anything.
Just gonna roll with it."
So, we're working away.
Well, he's working.
I'm obviously just lying there
like a lazy bitch.
Then he takes the glasses off.
I realize what's happened.
I've been tricked.
The man has tiny eyes.
Tiny, teeny, tiny, non-human sized eyes.
They were like a ferret's eyes.
I've never been more freaked out.
It was like riding a hedgehog.
They were just tiny.
"Is he blind?"
It's like, "Hello, are you okay?
Are you safe?"
He's like, "Where are the condoms?"
I was like, "Where are the condoms?
Where are your eyes?"
The things you had in the pub.
He tricked me.
The glasses made it look like
he had human-sized eyes, he did not.
But what was worse
than the secret blindness
was he was totally
stone cold silent during sex.
It's not crack. Sure, it's not.
I'm not into silent sex. Who is?
Actually, I'm sure some people are.
I'm sure it's like a fetish
and there's women out there making
a fortune working as prosti-mutes.
And they're just like...
"Prosti-mutes."
Not me. I like a bit of chat.
So, I gave him a good, "Yeah."
Now, as you all know, men love a "Yeah."
"Yeah.
"Yeah.
"Yep."
They love a yeah
'cause then they know it's consensual.
No one's going to prison.
I was like, "Okay, let's keep it going."
His little eyes are rolling around
like a magic eight ball in his sockets.
To try and keep it up I was like,
"Yeah. Delicious.
"No one's ever been in me
this silently before."
His eyes come darting down
and he locks in, little raisins.
I was like... rollin' around.
He's like, "Joanne, is it?"
I went, "Yeah."
He goes, "Do you mind
keeping that chat down?"
Yeah!
He said it's distracting.
I said, "I hear people using ATM machines
outside my window. That's distracting."
Anyway, do you know what I said?
I said, "Joanne, the man is blind.
"You can't kick him out now.
"Just write it off as a diversity shag
and move on."
Thank you, I've been Joanne McNally.
Good night!
- Joanne McNally!
- Great job!
All right. It is time now to hear
from the glorious Russell Kane.
Russell hid his age longer
than Phillip Schofield hid his sexuality.
Despite being elderly,
Russell still goes to Ibiza.
He's like Wayne Lineker with dick jokes.
- Oh, my God.
- Please welcome Russell Kane.
You bastard.
- Well done, Joanne!
- Thank you.
- She's not happy.
- Thank you.
- She should be.
- Great job!
I'm trying to think
what I wanted to share tonight,
and I realized after the years we've had
and the lockdown in 2020,
it's really taught us
what makes a relationship work.
Any relationship, friends, sister,
brother, but certainly romantic.
I wouldn't dare speak to any women
aged 18 to 25 watching this at home.
I would not. You know why?
You cannot be helped.
No. You suffer from a horrific condition
called attracted-to-bastard disease,
and you just have to outgrow it.
"Look at him. He looks like
he might emotionally abuse me.
"Excuse me,
can you buy me a drink, please?"
This is amazing
for getting energy into a room.
This is Russell's playground, isn't it?
It gets boring, doesn't it, ladies who are
over 30? It gets boring pretty quick.
Once you've had your heart shat out
for the third time when you're about 28,
you'll be ready for the boys like me
who enjoyed our GCSEs. Yeah?
And we'll be waiting, won't we, nerds?
Yeah, that's it.
Touch the end of it while I talk
about Dungeons & Dragons, please.
Nerds clapping!
All hail the nerds.
The thing is, I'm only talking about
how being nice is not sexually attractive.
Sort that out, ladies.
Make that the next thing feminism solves,
that niceness is attractive.
Boo! Then you get rid
of bellend toxic men. Solved.
And... Not some of the shit
that men come up with.
Just switch on any dating show
or listen to your friends.
"I wanna date the girl version of me."
"You what, mate?" "Yeah, that's what
I want. I'm looking for a copy of me."
You narcissistic, self-obsessed
fuckin' loser if you've ever used that.
"I wanna date a girl version of myself."
Oh, that's healthy.
Why don't you just bend your dick
around and enter yourself?
Get it over and done with.
"That's what I'm looking for. Me!"
You loser.
He does a lot of thrusting.
Yeah.
- Nice one, mate.
- No, I didn't like that at all.
- It wasn't coming across.
- When they don't laugh...
it's like my brain just, like,
starts disintegrating. I'm like... Yeah.
Hey, it was... You were great.
The thing is you sold it.
The bit with the eye, the glasses,
that routine, fuckin' nailed it.
- The tiny eyes and the fingering?
- Exactly!
What is my career?
So, what is the answer?
The answer is try and find people,
and I know some of you that are
happily married already know this,
but try and find people
that's got what you've got missing.
Like a Tetris piece.
Someone who's opposite enough to you
to fill in the gaps you don't have.
Look at me, I'm high energy.
That's what you need,
if you're a high-energy mental meerkat
on 800 Red Bulls
doing cardio next to the dishwasher,
never been in debt, always early,
make sure you date an annoying Buddha
that leaves a sock on the floor
and is always in debt and late.
Let me give you a couple more
practical examples to help you.
Bath people should date shower people.
Do you know, Lindsey, my wife,
because I'm heterosexual.
Lindsey, she can do an hour's bath,
an hour's bath like this, 60 minutes.
No podcast, no book. Just floating.
Do you know what else floats?
Corpses and turds. That's what.
And that's what you are when you
have a bath. A dirty, dead shit.
"A dirty, dead shit."
I'm a shower person.
Who are the shower people? Don't be shy.
Short, hot, violent. I mean, done.
Savlon on my burns. And then I...
I jog on to my next goal,
which I achieve with passion and clarity.
Shall I give you another example?
Morning people should date night people.
Lindsey will speak into my eye
as it opens.
"Morning," as though it can receive sound.
"Morning."
Who's sat with a person who's good to go?
"I'm good to go
first thing in the morning.
"I'm just so happy when I first wake up.
"Sometimes I hang my finger out the window
and a robin lands on it. Oh! Oh! Oh!"
I'm a night person. Who are the
night people? It's genetic. Can't help it.
I love that feeling of having
the house to yourself. Don't you?
Everyone's in bed, all the morning people,
and you're like,
"It's mine, it's 2:00 a.m. It's 3:00 a.m.
The house is to myself."
Sometimes a morning person gets up for
a wee and you're like, "I'm still awake!
"I haven't been to bed yet."
One last example.
"In sickness and in health." What does
that mean in our theory of opposites?
It means you want one who's on it,
obsessed with every symptom, on a crisis.
And one who doesn't give a shit,
no matter what's going down.
- There you go.
- Get in the mood.
If you've drank too much,
if you've been on it,
you've been out to the pub
and you get ill at the end of the night,
that's one's undeniable. You're either
a drama vomiter or you're not.
Lindsey's like... We'll be drinking,
all night, go pale for a second
and, "Oh, my God, I'm gonna be violently
sick. Bleh." What the fuck was that?
How are you doing that?
Is there anyone like that?
You'll be like me.
You know who you are,
the Vomarottis in the room.
Two hours of dramatic pacing
with contractions.
"Soon I will be sick.
Prepare my vomit chamber upstairs.
"Prepare the bathroom
with my drama blanket and bowl, please.
"Soon Vomarotti's performance will begin,
prepare yourself."
Just like the contractions.
"The contractions are getting
closer together. I'm dilating."
Then you actually throw up in Italian.
So many lunges.
It's Pilates, isn't it?
He's the Pilate kid.
Pilate kid!
Long after the body is emptied,
it continues.
And that's how we can solve
Iran and Brexit.
Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you very much, good night.
Lovely. Stage is definitely yours.
- Well done. Incredible!
- Thanks, Katherine.
The effervescent Russell Kane.
Did you hear what Katherine said
before she brought me on?
My God, she was savage.
- I didn't.
- "He's finally acknowledging he's 45
"and he's the basically
the Wayne Lineker of dick jokes."
Well, A, I don't do dick jokes
and B, Wayne Lineker's about 60.
I do dick jokes. Call me Wayne Lineker.
What's that? What's that?
Darren Harriott, Darren Harriott, Darren!
Yes, it sounds like
it's time to welcome Darren Harriott.
Now, if you haven't seen Darren's comedy,
join the massive club.
I'm joking.
Darren's been on TV shows with audiences
that would make GB News jealous.
Darren has a very loud voice.
Please welcome the guy
who's always smiling,
mainly because his teeth are so big
he doesn't have a choice.
It's Darren Harriott!
- Thank you, Katherine. Thank you.
- Have a good time, Darren.
Look at this.
How you doin'? You good?
It's nice to be here
back at The Roundhouse.
I used to work here, man.
Used to do a bit of security.
I'll be honest. Ain't changed.
Same Wi-Fi code.
Tell you what I found so hard
about working as a security guard,
you get a lot of insults.
I remember a fight kicked off,
we chucked this kid out,
he just looked at me and he went,
"Yeah, you're a bouncer!
Is that what you always wanted to be?"
I was like,
"Oh, you're cutting deep there."
What do you say to that?
That's not how being a bouncer works.
There was no moment
I realized I wanted to be a bouncer.
It's not like I was in school as a kid
and my teacher sent me out
the class for talking,
and I stood next to the door and I was
like, "Actually, I'm pretty good at this."
This is one of the nicest places
I used to work.
Used to work a lot of rough clubs,
especially when I first
started out in Birmingham.
Really rough clubs,
so rough I used to wear
a bulletproof vest on the doors.
Yeah. A secondhand bulletproof vest.
Got it from this guy's house,
he sold bulletproof vests.
That's a career choice you can have.
I remember, I walked into his house,
he had these vests, and I said to him,
"Ah, which is your cheapest one?"
And he went, "That one!"
And I paid for it
and as I'm about to leave,
he stops me right at the door and he goes,
"Quick reminder about this vest.
It's got 20-meter radius on it."
I've gone, "I know what that means.
If somebody was like shooting me,
"within 20 meters, I'm protected."
He goes, "No,
"they have to be outside 20 meters."
I'm like,
"Oh, that's very fucking different."
I'm not trying to avoid sniper fire.
So I had to take this vest
and I'd wear it on this really rough
nightclub doors in Birmingham
and I'd always think to myself, "Man,
if somebody was to pull a gun out
"and try and shoot me,
"I'd have to use reverse psychology
or something..."
"Anyone can shoot
from that distance.
"Call yourself a man?
You'd better go 21 meters away."
Hi, Geoff.
- Is it that stage?
- Yeah.
Katherine won't go on at all.
You've gotta go. Come on, quickly.
I'll come with you.
We've literally just found out
that you tested positive for COVID.
- No!
- I'm so sorry.
Fuck's sake.
- We just need to isolate you.
- Okay.
I live alone.
Sorry, I don't know why I said that
like it's court ordered.
I had lots of dreams
before the lockdown, man.
Got a house
two months before the lockdown.
I was like, "It's gonna be great. I have
my own place, have all my mates around."
Brought a lot of board games.
I was like, "We're gonna get drunk.
We're gonna play board games."
That's where I'm at now.
I'm acting like posh White people.
Then lockdown happened.
And it's just me and my board games.
You ever played Jenga by yourself?
Hungry Hungry Hippos
is just one very full hippo.
- Geoff. Geoff.
- Yeah?
Hello, mate.
- So, they want you to introduce Sarah.
- Fuck!
- You got, you got...
- What, I'm actually going?
Good, mate.
Tell you what I got into,
tried for the first time,
and became a problem
during lockdown.
Red wine.
I had never tried red wine before.
But now, love it!
I like to drink red wine
in front of gangsters. Hey!
Okay. Love it.
Love the labels on red wine,
they always sound really fun.
It's like, "the fused aromatic spices give
you this rich feeling." I'm like, "Whoa!"
Don't get that with beer!
Here's my problem with the labels.
I am done with the serving suggestion,
'cause it always makes it seem like
you've got a classier evening planned.
Like, "This wine goes well with lamb."
"Lamb?"
"I'm not having lamb!
"I hope this tastes good with Quavers."
You guys have been absolutely amazing.
It's... It's a dream of mine to come back
and perform a venue I used to work at.
So this is really special for me.
Thank you very much.
I've been Darren Harriott. Peace out.
I just had to
hold on for it. Done.
- Thanks.
- That was fun.
- Well done!
- Thank you.
And applause, please.
Please welcome Geoff Norcott!
Hello. Hello, hello.
Hi.
I'm, uh...
Kath can't make it back out for this bit,
so I'm gonna do some of her stuff.
I can't fucking remember it. Hang on.
As a Canadian woman...
how about these tits?
Where's Katherine?
Sorry, Sarah. If I knew
what was going on, I'd tell you.
At the moment, we're waiting to find out.
I hope Katherine's all right.
It does just look like an electrician
just wandered on stage, doesn't it?
Why the fuck is this bloke
who looks like he spends his weekends
defending statues just walked out?
You know, if I do four minutes
of stand-up, I actually get the fee.
So, cheers for this.
Yeah, I know you judge me,
but I have had the vaccine.
Yeah. Despite looking like someone
who'd be ideologically opposed to it.
I had the Pfizer.
Had the Pfizer. I'm very patriotic,
but if I want something done properly,
I will go German. I'm not stupid.
- Geoff?
- What?
Are you fucking serious?
What, I've got to bring Sarah on now?
- Yes, please.
- Okay.
Yeah, then I guess I've got to bring on
the one and only Sarah Millican.
Yeah. Sarah Millican! Yeah.
Fucking joke. Have fun.
Mark, could you not do me a solid?
One more minute and the money's mine.
So sorry!
Thank you very much.
How the fuck are you? Are you well?
Good? I am very glad.
You remember during the pandemic
when shops were terrifying
and we all had to order food online.
You remember this?
I downloaded all of the apps
for all of the different supermarkets.
Desperately working my way around
to see if I could get a delivery slot.
When I did, I shouted to my husband
who was in the kitchen, I shouted,
"I've got a slot, I've got a slot,
come and help me fill it!"
Used to mean something else.
The slot that I got was on the Asda app.
Started to put... That's not a joke.
Welcome to fuckin' London.
Up north that would have got
a round of applause.
"Asda, we fuckin' love Asda,"
and you're like,
"It wasn't Waitrose, poor you."
I started to put things in my basket,
all the usual things,
bread and milk and stuff,
got up to the fruit,
the fruit was sectioned off into different
areas. There was a exotic fruit section,
and I thought, "I'll have a look
and see what exotic fruit Asda has."
They had a papaya. "A papaya!"
And I thought,
"Yeah, there might be
a global pandemic happening, Asda,
"but I will have a fuckin' papaya,
thanks very much."
And when I added it to the basket
on the Asda app,
I half expected it to go, "Ooh!"
Don't always get what you want when you
order food online. You get substitutions.
Asda didn't have any papayas.
They just sent me two pies,
which was good enough.
- Is she okay?
- I don't know what's happening at all.
Been watching a lot of telly.
Something I'd never seen before,
of course, I've seen normal Bake Off,
of course I have,
I'd never seen Junior Bake Off before.
If you haven't, I highly recommend it.
I think it's the single best comedy
Channel 4 has ever made.
I don't have children. I didn't know
how entertaining it is to watch kids cry.
Fuck, that's good telly, isn't it?
They have weird names
and they have weirder hobbies.
"Aslan is nine...
"and he paints with oils
"and caters for the school fete."
Very different if I was on that program
as a kid, though.
"Sarah doesn't have many friends
"and isn't allowed a dog,
"but has solved both problems
"by pullin' a piece of wool along
and calling it Waffles."
But also something they should definitely
transfer from Junior Bake Off
to adult Bake Off is the height ratio
between the bakers
and the fridge freezers.
I am not sure there's anything funnier
than a child who doesn't
understand physics
lifting a tray of cupcakes
they've made themselves,
over their heads at the wrong angle
till they tumble down
on their fucking heads.
Glorious, absolutely glorious.
Is she not gonna close the show?
I think we're gonna be
in the green room on our own.
Or she's popping home,
sorting it and coming back.
I got new glasses about a month ago.
I went to the optician.
You know the bit where they say,
"And is it clearer now?
"And now?"
I don't think they tell them
at optician school
that 90% of their future job
is just finding fancier ways of saying,
"And now? And now! And now!
"And now?" "Too far."
Then she said,
"I want you to read the bottom line,"
I said, "No problem."
I went, "J" and then I went "B"
and she said, "Can I just stop you there?
They're numbers."
My husband had gone in for his appointment
with a different optician
and I said, "What's the verdict?
What did they say about your eyes?"
He said,
"Well, they said they're sort of the same,
"in fact, if anything, they might be
a bit fuckin' better."
It's not fair, it's not fair.
Like, how do your eyes improve?
He's not Wolverine.
Yeah.
But it's exactly the same
when we go to the dentist.
I have, and I don't think this is common,
a loyalty card at the dentist.
It's not common, is it?
It's a little bit of cardboard.
It's got all your teeth drawn on it.
Every time I get a filling,
they color another one in.
And when it's full, I get diabetes.
The last time my husband had
a scrape and polish at the dentist,
he went to pay, and the lady said,
"No, you can have this one free of charge
"'cause your wife is
such a good customer."
And I feel like his eyes are improvin'
and his teeth are always good.
I've got a horrible feelin'
we're turnin' into Richard and Judy.
Do you know what I mean?
I don't think Judy Finnegan is aging
badly. She's agin' normally.
He, I think,
is drinking the blood of a virgin.
Also, every time he opens his mouth,
we cringe, "What is he gonna say?"
She's glad he's not goin' down on her.
I just put that terrible image
in all of your heads.
You're all gonna go to sleep
thinkin' of him goin' down on her.
I'm so sorry, and you're welcome.
You guys have been an absolute treat.
Thank you so much.
Take care everybody.
Good night, thank you.
Well done. That was brilliant.
Now, we are done.
That is the end of the show.
I hope you had a lovely evening.
- Do we know what's going on?
- No, it must be an emergency.
Can you please give it up
for Katherine Ryan,
for Russell Kane, for Joanne McNally,
for Darren Harriott,
for Sarah Millican!
Look after yourselves. Good night!
It has to be something pretty
severe for Katherine to leave the show.
She's such a pro.
- Hey! It's nice to meet you.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- How are you?
My name's Dave.
I haven't met you formally yet,
but I've been employed as the COVID guy.
So tonight what happened
is that we had a positive result.
- From?
- From Katherine.
- Oh, no!
- Oh, my God!
She's probably done this evening,
it's when I found out.
We took Katherine away and isolated her,
and then I notified production,
and production notified people around her,
notified the venue, and I'm notifying you.
Production have asked me
to come and have this chat with you now.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
So, my chat to you now is to ask...
To answer any of your questions,
fears, concerns.
If we're double jabbed,
do we have to quarantine?
That's a really good question.
So if you are double vaccinated,
then you don't have to quarantine.
- Yeah.
- Jeez, I hope she's okay.