Backstage with Katherine Ryan (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript

Hi. I'm Katherine Ryan,

and I've taken over
the stunning London Roundhouse.

No, I didn't bang any Amazon bigwigs
to get my own show.

I banged 'em 'cause I was bored.

I don't know how to talk to girls
while they sit on my face.

Joining me tonight
is the crème de la crème of comedy.

Surprise the wankers.

And straight in, mate.

Spread your cheeks.

Get on board

or fuck off.

This is an extraordinary show,
because I've put cameras everywhere.

Joel waxed his butthole.

It squirted.

Joel Dommett. So gorgeous,
he even makes himself squirt.

You'll see
what comedians really do backstage,

when they're not Googling their own names
and crying.

Did you fuck this girl in real life?


What a line-up it is.

This is Backstage with Katherine Ryan.

We'll go on five.

This is very cool.

What are you doing here?

They wanted real comedian and...

Oh, look at this.

Oh, I gotta go. Joel's here.

How's it going?

Um, get the fuck out.
This is cool guys' dressing room.

I feel like I'm at
the weirdest job interview ever.

Just two people teaching me
how to be a minority on television.



Hello, you little creep.

That's what I like
when I walk into a room.

Is that... Katherine's here.


- How are you?
- Relaxed.

Hi, Rosie.

- Thanks for doing this.
- It's a pleasure. Thanks.

There's only one chair.
Want to sit on my lap?

No, no...

We can do a ventriloquist show.
I'd love that.

- How's life?
- Pretty good. I'm so excited you're here.

- Oh, my God.
- I miss the hang.

- You always look amazing.
- You always look amazing.

I do always look amazing.
That's why I'm in a tracksuit,

because this is
Backstage with Katherine Ryan.

Backstage, like a pride jizz all over it.

And you will know
that in real life I don't dress like that.

I'm in drag when I do shows.

Check the lighting.


Hi! How are you?

- Hello.
- Lovely to see you.

- Thanks for doing this.
- No, pleasure.

- I love that you're here, and Nish.
- This is fun.

My gynecologist, huge fan of Nish.

I went there and he was,
like, looking where he's looking,

and he was like,
"You know, tell Nish Kumar

that his parents are from
the same place in India as me,

and I love Nish. He seems very angry.

I know he's been taunted
and attacked by the right wing.

I love Nish Kumar."
And I was like, "Yeah?"

Then he goes, "You do have HPV.
One of the worst strains..."

And I go, "What?"

It wasn't even a routine appointment
where you're like,

"You've got three strains of HPV.

Two of them cause cervical cancer,

but Nish Kumar's talent..."

I was like, "Cool."

- Can you come out and help?
- Okay.

See you soon.

- See you.
- Thanks.

Bye, bye, bye.

- Runners are coming to take your orders.
- What are you having?

I'm having a lettuce leaf
with a quinoa garnish.

They've got super grain salad.

I just wanted to somehow say to you,
I totally know how you feel,

'cause you get it in the neck

- the way I do.
- As do you.

You know, there's someone
sitting up there in tabloid land

and one's got a desk marked "Nish,"
and the other's got a desk marked "Jo,"

and they're just looking for us
to say something

that they can leap on, you know?

And a lot of the time, with me,
they've kind of leapt on weird things.

I once said to Jools Holland
at his Hootenanny.

- Yeah.
- He...

He says, "What are you doing next year?"

I couldn't think of anything to say,
so I said, "I'm divorcing my husband."

- That was in the papers the next day.
- Really?

I mean, I think
if you're "a comedian," surely.

You should be given the benefit
of the doubt that you might be joking.

I'm finding it hard
to think of Rose jokes. Rosie Jones.

She's disabled, so that's perfect.

- Yeah.
- She really self-roasts.

And she's a terrible person,
so I feel like you can really go in.

That does sound like
what we used to say in the playground.

He's all right with it.

- He is.
- Look at his face.

We got Joel Dommett,
Mr. Handsome. Mr. Saturday Night.

The very symmetrical face
of ITV's The Masked Singer.

He seemed to be like at a level, and...

I think it was the sex tape.

We saw him get his dick out
wearing a red beanie cap

and wank on the Internet.

A red beanie?

We saw his red beanie.

- Yeah, I do lots of tweeting.
- You do.

You should have seen my Snapchat. Oh, boy!

Oh, dicks?

Not mine.

I think it's fine to send a dick pic
if it's not your dick.

Just different dicks.

Lots of different dicks.

Weirdly, like, screengrabs mine.

Send lots of pictures of Joel's dick.

It's a nicer dick than me.
What do you want?

I haven't seen either of them,

but I can say

that they're both RuPaul safe.

Rosie got her dream writing job.

I wrote on Sex Education.

- Oh, my God! That show is brilliant.
- Yeah.

I had to write a sex scene.

Didn't you try and introduce a character?

Called Rosie Jones?

That's it. So the channel rung me up

and said that we can't use the sex scene

because it's too dirty.

For a show called Sex Education.

Oh, my God.

Also they said it was weird.

- That there was a character called Rosie?
- Yeah.

Comes out of nowhere,
and then comes out of nowhere.

I come out of somewhere.

Oh, my God.

That's all right. It's that one, 16.

Nish is extraordinarily left wing,
some might say, socialist.

Nish is so woke,

he tried to apply for citizenship
of Wakanda.

Jo Brand is on the show,
which I'm so excited about.

The best person, the best feminist.

The reason I have a job.

Jo came through in that era,
late '80s, early '90s,

to, like, loads of coked up scaffolders
coming in.

Back then if someone was saying,
"Get your tits out,"

I think, people would go,
"Well, they're listening."

Look at our line-up,

there's not really a straight white male
on the bill.

I mean, there's Joel.

He's straight, white.
We've seen his huge dick online.

Is it a decent...

Like, if this is your vantage point,

my dick would look big from there.

- Yeah.
- Do you know what I mean?

This is what she does.

We'll be standing or sitting somewhere,
and this will happen.


You pushed me over.


Help! Help!


People will take photos of it

and put it on... And she posts it
on the Internet. Dear God.

It's amazing.

- I've got some stuff.
- Okay.

It's nice to have a comedian
with the last name "Brand" on my show

that doesn't make me question my morals.

Jo Brand is an institution,
and like all old institutions,

- she's expensive and needs work.
- Maybe.

Jo is a true feminist.
Her armpit hair has a side-parting.

I think she'd love that.

That's all right,
a bit empowering.

I find Jo incredibly inspiring.

She's had to stand on stages
with more average men than Melania Trump.

- Nish Kumar.
- Yeah.

He looks like the poster boy
for premature ejaculation.

- Yeah?
- That's nice.

He's the drug they'd give you
to wean you off Romesh.

It's good to point out that
he's mistaken for Romesh a lot.

It's quite racist of us,
but it's not us, it's them.

How about, "Nish is very sweet,
but his voice is so whiny.

Every time I hear it,
I get six months closer to menopause."

I like that.

He wants to be a sex offender,
but can't afford the van.

I have to go back
and work on stuff for Jo.

It has to be good and impressive
'cause I love her.

Don't think there's any other acts
that can talk about

hosting a Saturday night television show

and within ten minutes,
talk about butt waxing.

I like having babies. I'm the baby's dad.
I have a stay-at-home husband.


The way I see it,
I became a dad for the first time.

How does it compare?

- Fuck off and hang out with my friends.
- Exactly.

Much better to be the dad.

Yes, indeed. Yeah.

Though I still feed
and wake up every two hours.

- Yes.
- I still feel like the dad.

- That's lovely of Katherine.
- Yeah, I know.

- Hello.
- Hi!

I feel like you're a really good mum.

Used to be.

- Is he right?
- I used to be a good mum.

Is that true?

I'm really ace with young children
and babies.

Now that my daughter is 12,
I'm not so great anymore.

- Really?
- Wait a minute.

I think my mum,
kind of, raised each of us for a decade,

and said, "I put in my shift."

I'm like, "What am I supposed to do
for this period?"

If you could both give me one tip
to be a father

in this world, what would it be?

I think the main thing is,
if they know that...

This is gonna sound so blech.

But if they know that you love them,

and you're not gonna
constantly be critical of them,

you're doing really well.


A lot of fathers
find teenage daughters very difficult.

- It's about communication, right?
- It is.

- It's about being relaxed with them.
- Yeah.

What do your kids think of you as parents?

Do they think
their parents have a cool job?

Are you considering knocking someone up?

We talk about it a lot.


It's interesting to talk to people
in this industry

who have had children
and made it really work.

If you had a teenage daughter now,

she'd say,
"I really think Nish Kumar is brilliant."


That's what they do.
It's almost like they bypass you...


- a feature on the comedy scene...
- Yeah.

- favor of someone else.
- That's so funny.

So you have to be prepared for that.


I might walk a little,

and when I get excited,

I lunge.

Oh, God!


Great. This dressing room is haunted.

If Joel spent as long on
his jokes as he did on his six-pack,

he'd still have no jokes. He's shit.

How about, Joel's the kind of guy
you wanna take home

so your mum can think of him
when she masturbates?

Erm, Joel's teeth are the most expensive
thing he's had in his mouth.

- Wait, wait.
- Yeah.

- Let me guess where this is going.
- Okay.

Joel's teeth are the most expensive
thing he's had in his mouth...

- Since...
- ...since Simon Cowell's dick?

Simon Cowell's dick.
Jonathan Ross's dick.

The head of ITV's dick.
It's mainly dick-based.

If they're powerful men,
their dicks have been in Joel's mouth.

Have you written something about Rosie
that'll get me cancelled?

She said she's up for it.

She's up for it. She's cool with it.
Are the audience cool with it?

When Rosie was born,
she didn't breathe for 15 minutes.

It's the same now
because she won't shut up.

How about, "Why is Rosie disabled?

They say God moves in mysterious ways,
and so does Rosie."

As a comedian with cerebral palsy,
Rosie ticks a lot of boxes.

Well, she scribbles near the boxes.

Really good joke.

- That's why we're a great team.
- Yeah.

You're the sausage, I'm the sizzle.

- There's yours.
- Couldn't get the stain off?

They didn't want that.

- I can get it out.
- Do you mind?

- I feel bad using you as a laundry.
- No.


Widdicombe just takes his ironing
to The Last Leg.

- Does he?
- Yeah.

Let's discuss the sex tape.


- Thank you.
- Yes!

Could've been awkward.

Have you seen it?

No, don't worry.

- I did see screengrabs.
- Yeah.

I didn't believe you had a sex tape,

and you had been hustled
by a Moroccan gang

of online tricksters or whatever.

I just saw the red beanie.

Did they threaten to release it?

Yeah, and they asked me for money,
and I said no.

What happened in the original?

In the original,
there's a person on Twitter

and they had a profile picture
and we talked back and forth

and we had Skype sex.

The Skype sex was weird.

It was just a video, basically,

of the person who looks
similar to the person in the thing.

And this girl in the "fake video"
was having Skype sex, naked?

- Yeah, like a porn star.
- Yeah, yeah.

I put on Google search
the image of the profile picture

and it came up
with a real profile of this girl.

I was like, "Oh, my God,"
and I messaged her.

I asked her if she knew about all this.

She said, "I know about it. They've been
using them for the last three years."

I said, "This is gonna sound mad.
Do you wanna meet up?

Because we could get a photo together,

and then send it to the scammers.
Be like, 'Look, I found the real you.'"

Did you fuck this girl in real life?


Wasn't it triggering
to date the actual face

of the Moroccan gang
that tried to extort you?

- Isn't that mad?
- Yeah.

This is the mad
and this is the end point of it, right?

- She was Russian, this girl. Right?
- Obviously.

And eventually, after kind of dating
for about three or four months,

she then went back to Russia
and then we ended up having Skype sex.


But you played the video.

I played the video of myself.
That's what I did.

You were like, "Ha, bitch!"
You recorded her.

It was a full circle.

I had Skype sex with the real person.

It's crazy being that hot.

It is mad.

You gonna have
any bits of rag in your hair?

Yes, I will.

That's so nice. Then she snaps the neck!

Do you think
making your way down to backstage

- by 7:00 is realistic?
- Yeah.

Thanks, K.

Can you imagine if I tried to pull

my own eyebrows?

I don't think that'd be great for you.

I'd end up blind.

It's already bad enough

shaving my bum.

Rosie, you make
enough money to get a wax.

- Come on!
- Yeah.

Joel waxed his butthole.
He absolutely loved it.

What are you gonna do about this?

- Do you have any elastics?
- Yeah.

- I've got powerful eyebrows.
- Yes.

I'm really not looking forward
to the nose hair phase.

I don't need anything to draw
more attention to my fucking nose.

I like your nose.

It's a striking feature.

I love everything wrong with your face.

Joel Dommett, stupid asshole

Thank you.

Make your way in here.

Rosie. Lovely bunch.

Why are you just grinning?

There is a lady on there.

In five, in four, three, two...

Please welcome on stage
the wonderful Katherine Ryan!

Get in here.

Hello. I'm Katherine Ryan.

Tonight, we've got some of the most loved
and admired comedians the UK has to offer.

What a line-up it is.

An icon of British comedy
and one of my personal heroes,

Jo Brand is on the show.

Jo is amazing.

Jo was a woman on TV
before they were forced to book us.

She's been around long enough
to see it become right wing again.

That's fun for her.

My very, very good friend,
Nish Kumar, is also here.

Nish often annoys right wing people.

He's had more bad Daily Mail write-ups
than Meghan Markle and BLM combined.

Nish has been with his partner
for nearly an embarrassing decade.

She's been there since he wasn't famous,
and watched him scale the dizzying heights

all the way up
to people thinking he's Romesh.

Then we've got
everyone's favorite handsome weirdo.

Joel Dommett is here.

Joel is the symmetrical face
of ITV's The Masked Singer.

He's a modern phenomenon.

A shy beta-male
who's married to a supermodel.

He's inspired a generation of comics

who wrongly identify as
"awkward with women,"

while they're having threesomes with fans.

"Oh, my God, it's so random. Oh, my God.

I don't know to talk to girls
while they sit on my face.

Oh, my God. I'm so awkward."

We've also got the wonderful Rosie Jones.


Rosie has a filthy mouth.

When disability has its MeToo movement,
she's done for.

Rosie Jones.

- Rosie Jones.
- Hello!

Oh, my God. Rosie Jones.

Rosie says dirty things to male stand-ups
that they haven't said to female comics

since as far back as 2019.

Would you like to get Rosie Jones
on the stage?

Well, it could take a few minutes.

Because they need to set the cameras up!

Put your hands together
for my very good friend,

the one and only Rosie Jones!



My name is Rosie,

and this is what

your voice sounds like

on Zoom.

I'll tell ya.

I've had, "Oh, Rosie,

there's something

wrong with your connection."

And I'm like, "No!"

Only the connection between my brain

and my mouth hole.

Get on board

or fuck off.


Three minutes on stage and she says,
"Get on board or fuck off."

Last year,

I got to work

on the Paralympics.

And for the first time,

I was working with

all disabled people.

It was really awful.

The queue for the disabled toilet.

Fucking nightmare.

And I found it annoying,

because usually,

being disabled, it's easy

for me to get my own way,

because I just enter a room

and I go, "Hello.

I'm disabled.

Can I have free shit?"

But over there,

every bastard had a problem.

She's absolutely...

one of the worst human beings
that's ever lived.

So, to get my own way,

I needed to be a bit more


For example,

one day, me and my friend

wanted to go and see Ellie Simmonds

in the pool,

but we only had two minutes

to get there.

And at the door,

we were stopped by a security guard.

"Well, you can walk,

so you need to go all the way round."

And I thought,


I'm not doing that."

So, I did something

that I am very proud of.

I call it my disabled voice.

Right, this is nothing.

So, in my biggest,

most disabled voice,

I looked at the security guard

and I went...


Fucking hell.

He shat himself.

And we made it in there

just in time

to watch Ellie Simmonds

come fifth.

I mean...

what a lazy bastard.

I've been Rosie.



Bless you, Rosie.

Rosie Jones, let's hear it for her.

Yes, Rosie. Go.

Crushed it, mate.

It's time for
the nation's sweetheart.

Mr. Saturday Night himself. Joel Dommett.

If you don't know, he got catfished

and there's a video of him
wanking on the Internet.

Correct reaction.

Joel's definition of a bad gig

is when he walks onstage
and no one ovulates.

So, start tracking your cycles, ladies,

and welcome to the stage, Joel Dommett!

Look how symmetrical that man's face is.

Hello. How's it going? You good?

Take it off!

Oh, yes.

It wasn't gonna take long.

It's weird though, innit?

Those unaware of Masked Singer
just think it's a horny lady.

Knock, knock.

Rosie Jones!

Well done, mate. Superb.

They are so nice.

It's comedic dynamite.
It's morally unacceptable.

My level of fame now is

basically the level of fame
where people point to me

and then realize they don't give a shit.

That's where I am. People go, "Oh, my God!


My last tour was so different
to how my stuff is now.

My last tour was all sex, sex, sex.

All the sex I was having
with all different people.

Day in, sex, sex, sex.

But it's different now, you know?

My new stuff's like,
"My sofa's taking so long to arrive."

They do. They're fucking expensive.

Twelve weeks.
Where are they coming from, Mars?

My life's changed, genuinely,

over the last couple of years,

'cause I met my wife, I proposed to her

and I got my butt waxed.

I got my butt waxed for my wedding.

I went in for a facial,
it was in the sale.

The lady who did my butt wax,

unbelievably angry.

She was so angry.

I walked in, no niceties.

She was like, "Take your clothes off."

I was like, "Okay."
I got flashbacks from the catfishing.

I was still in my boxer shorts.

"These as well?"

"Yes, that's the fucking area
we need to get to.

Get on the bed!"

I was like, "Okay, I'll get on the bed."

She goes, "No, not on your back."

For some reason, I assumed
I would be on my back with my legs...

I don't know.

She goes, "No, on your front!"

I was like, "Okay, okay."

I go on my front.

Then she goes,
"Put your head in the hole."


And she goes, "Spread your cheeks."

Now, I don't know
where I got this idea from,

but I assumed
someone else was gonna do that.

I don't know where I got this info from.
There was no one else in the room.

I thought someone would run in and...

"Spread your cheeks."

I was like, "Shit, man."

Now I'm... I can't see,
I got my head in the hole,

I'm holding... I'm an open goal right now.

I've never been more vulnerable.

If she drops a pen,
that is going in me, man.

Straight in.

"Spread your cheeks."

I'm there, I'm so vulnerable.

First part of the process,
she goes straight in with the talc.

To be honest, it's the best thing
that's ever happened to me.

Oh, my God. The best feeling in the world.

I was like... "Ooh! Ah! Oh!"

Felt like I had been bummed by a ghost.

Casper is friendly.

Yes, and then she went in
with the wax, man.

It was so comforting.

Like I was sat on my granddad's knee,
having a Werther's Original.

Then she puts the wax strip on me

and she rips my intestines out.

I can't see, my head is in the hole,

but I can only assume my intestines
are on the piece of paper.

I screamed and I'm like, "Fuck!"

I'm like, "No more, no more!"

- She goes in with the talc.
- "Give me one more round.

Give me one more round."

Good impression of talc
hitting a butthole.

Yes, that's brilliant.

Weirdly good.

So I had a clean butt, went to my wedding.

Everyone's asking if we're having kids.

Everyone does.

"When are you having kids, Joel? When?"

We want kids, right?
Until my brother, he had a kid.

And now we don't want a kid.

That shit looks difficult, man.

But things don't necessarily work out
the way you expect it.

And it's time that I can now tell you guys

that me and Hannah are expecting a sofa.

Twelve weeks, man. I can't wait!

You guys have been an absolute pleasure.
Thank you.

- I'm Joel Dommett.
- That was great.


That was great, mate. Really great.

Joel Dommett.
Give it up for him one more time.

Joel Dommett, everyone.

Okay, time for Nish Kumar
to hit the stage.

Nish is so remained,

he now supports Italy
in the Second World War.

He is so woke,

he tried to apply
for citizenship of Wakanda.

Nish's go-to look
is hostage released after seven years

who had to go straight to the office.

That's such a good joke.

He's my friend and he's here tonight.
Please welcome Nish Kumar.

Good evening, everyone. How are you?
You all right?


It's great to be here.
It's great to be doing stand-up again,

and it's great to be part of a bill

that seems to have been booked
specifically to annoy the Daily Mail.

Oh, my God! It's like someone
put a focus group together

of things that would annoy them.
Disabled lesbians,

foul-mouthed women and uppity Pakis.

Oh, my God!

When I turned 30,
my relationship with alcohol changed.

Now when I get drunk, I get emotional.

I used to be so much fun.
Now I'm emotional.

The last time I got drunk,

I cried over a Neil Young song.
That ruined a birthday party.

At a family wedding, a couple years ago,

I took my then 11
and 13-year-old cousins aside

and said, "No matter how old you get,
you'll always be my babies."

That is so weird.

That's such a weird thing for me to say.

Also, side note,
those two can go fuck themselves.

They're little shits.

You're judging me. You're judging me

for calling two teenagers little shits?

They hacked my Wikipedia page!

They found out that
I had a Wikipedia page.

They went onto it and then changed it

so it said that
I weighed 10,000 billion tons

and I wake up every morning
and stick a whole potato in my butt.

That's not even the worst prank
that's been played on me in three years.

You wanna know the worst prank
played on me?

It was by my "friend" Rosie Jones,

who you've seen. Comedian.

Cerebral palsy sufferer.


When the two of us
are in the street together,

she will throw herself on the floor

and shout, "Help, help!

The man from The Mash Report
pushed a disabled girl."

I paid her to support me on tour.
It's unbelievable.

I only got her to support me
so we could park closer to the venue.

In the last five years,
my career's taken a few odd turns.

And by odd turns, I mean,

I've ended up doing
some political panel shows.

Question Time asked me for a long time
and I kept saying no.

I don't object to the show.

On these shows,
you want people to be held to account,

and the only way to do that
is to have experts question them.

Not a 35-year-old stand-up comedian

whose favorite food is dips.
That is not good.

Lemon and coriander hummus is incredible.
It gives me the shit, but I eat it anyway.

Is this the guy you want
talking to politicians?

No matter how you feel about the show,

I really believe that, conceptually,
the show's still incredible.

It has an integral role to play
in our democratic process.

You realize that when you have to
explain what the show is

to people who don't know.

Think about how you'd explain it.

You'd say, "It's a room,
quite a lot like this one

with an audience
and there's cameras everywhere

and with the host are two politicians."

Someone from the government

and someone from the opposition
are with the host

and with them are experts whose only job
is to make these two politicians

look like dickheads.

And then, for the audience,

we just go into a town
and we find the weirdest people.

Just the absolute flotsam and jetsam
of British society

and we let them yell at the politicians,

and we only give the microphones
to the real weirdos.

We vet them on the way in.
"Got any spicy views?"

"I think Lionel Richie did 9/11."
"Straight in, mate!"

I wanna tell you
about my first time on the show.

The other panelist was Piers Morgan,
and listen...

I'm sorry you had to hear his name!

I had to be in a room
with the piece of shit!

I don't know if you've met him,

but have you been in a room with a man

who you've publicly described as

"What would happen if someone injected
white privilege into a gammon steak"?

Let me tell you, it is awkward.

It will, in my experience,

result in your father insisting on
coming with you to the show

in case anything, and I quote,

"kicks off."

I'm 35 years old.

My dad had to come with me
in case he had to fight Piers Morgan.

It was a pleasure performing to you.
Thank you. My name is Nish. Goodbye!

- Wonderful. Well done, mate.
- Thank you.

Nish Kumar, everyone.
Ow! He hurt my white feelings.

Our final comedian of the night
is the incredible Jo Brand.

Jo has been in so many eras of comedy,

she'd need three actresses
to play herself in the biopic.

But only one black jumper.

Please welcome
the woman who's so feminist,

her armpit hair has a side-parting.

Jo Brand!


Thank you very much.
I really hope I'm not shit now.

Many years ago, in school,
I saw the careers officer.

And he said to me,
"Well, what do you wanna do?"

And I said, "Well, I want to get married,
or I want to be a nurse."

And he went, "Better be a nurse, then."

But, you know, as a nurse, I have to say,

my motto is
"laughter is the best medicine."

Although, I find that tends not to work
in the case of impotence.

Let's go quickly.

We can't.

- Yeah, we can.
- Where?

We can blow dry it.

Oh, no! How did you know?

Well, I guess I'm presenting the show now.

- How did you know?
- 'Cause you suddenly lifted your shirt up.


- Motherfucker!
- What happened?

- This is the lactating.
- There's milk all over my shirt.

- Imagine you guys jizzed yourselves.
- I hope this stays in the show.

Joel has lactated on TV with me before.

- Let me lactate for you.
- Can you still do it?

- Shall I join you?
- Yeah, yeah.

Look at that. There's a little bit.


God! It sprayed! It squirted.

It squirted.

- It squirted.
- That is so cool.

I'll press it again with the T-shirt...

- Thank you.
- Congrats, Joel.

You've made Rosie more gay.

I was a bit nervous earlier on back there,

'cause there's so many little booby traps
that can get me as an older person

who's very unwieldy.

First of all, I was terrified

of dropping my mic pack down the toilet

when I pulled my trousers down.

And it happened. I couldn't believe it.

But thankfully,
it dropped into my TENA Lady.

Carved out of an old canoe.

I'll tell you what.

One thing that gets you
when you kinda get a bit older, right,

is teenage boys.

I'm not best pleased
with the existence of teenage boys anyway.

This happened to me a few winters ago.

It had been snowing hard,
I was out for a walk,

just about to cross the road,

and on the other side of the road,
there was a group of teenagers

throwing snowballs at cars, right,
as they came up the hill.

A tiny little car came up the hill.

I knew there was
a very old person driving it,

'cause it looked like
no one was driving, right?

And they lobbed a snowball

and it hit.

The car sort of wobbled a bit
and it carried on up the hill.

And I thought, "Thank God for that.
I've got to do something now."

And my motto with teenagers is

surprise the wankers. Right?

So I started to run at them. Right?

The terror on their faces.

I thought, "I've not surprised them
quite enough.

I must do something else."

So as I ran towards them, I went,

"Right, who wants a blowjob?"

And weirdly, they all did.

Listen, thanks for listening.
I really appreciate you being here.

You have a good night. Good night.

Well done, amazing!

- Jo Brand, everyone.
- Well done. Good job there.

Thank you so much for being here.

You've been gorgeous and amazing.
I appreciate it.

I've got get back to my husband.
He's at home babysitting.

No! It's not babysitting
if it's your own baby.

It isn't, but I haven't told him.

Good night!

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Hi.
- Oh, blimey!

- This is a nice dressing room.
- Yeah.

You're like a princess.

You're like a princess.

I have many beers, wines that won't open.

How do you do the...

I've seen someone do it
on the internet.

I asked for drinks,
but they didn't give me openers.

They don't trust me.

Let's not cut our hands open.

- I think you have to smack it.
- I think you'd have to do it.


I mean, that's on brand.

Lads, lads, lads!

- Oh, my God!
- Come on!

Cheers. Well done. You're all brilliant.

- Cheers.
- Congratulations.

- Well done, everybody.
- Cheers, cheers, cheers.

- Cheers, Rosie Jones. Cheers!
- Well done.

Such a great gig. I was thinking
on my way up here to change my top,

I was thinking,
"I bet Joel thinks that's a setup

'cause we wanted to get him to lactate."

It's a crazy party trick.
Joel can lactate.

You don't have to get him to lactate.

Jo doesn't know 'cause you were on stage.

Jo was on stage.

I had an emotional reaction.

- What?
- My milk let down

and I went back kind of embarrassed
to blow-dry it.

- Joel, ever the feminist...
- Tried to make her feel better.

He said, "I'll lactate with you,"
and he can.

It's not milk, 'cause it's salty.

I won't do it again.

- You're a nurse.
- You're a nurse.

- Psychiatric.
- This is a psychiatric issue.

Maybe it is. Do you want some counselling?

Yes, please.

- I need it.
- It's not gross.

I think it's cool.

I don't like it.

Oh, our cars are downstairs.

Our cars are here.

We gotta go. I'm so sorry.

- Let's roll.
- Wonderful stuff.

Such a great gig.

Everyone's... What are you doing?

Nothing. I thought you had gone.