Back in the Game (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 8 - No Crying in Baseball - full transcript

Now batting... Number
9, Danny Gannon.

Come on, Danny. You got this.
You got this.

Dead ball.

Hit batter. Take your base.

Okay, buddy, hey, let's, um, let's, uh,
let's wipe the smile off your face, okay?

Let's not be smiling after that.
All right, back to work.

Sweetie, are you okay?

It really hurts.

Hey, hey, hey. Don't rub it.
Don't rub it.

Don't rub it. If you rub it,
people will think you're hurt.

- Dad, it does hurt.
- Hey, listen.



Oh, no. Don't do this, please.

- Do not cry.
- It is okay to cry.

No. Gannons, we inflict
pain, and then we laugh.

What?! What are you, a monster?

Do me a favor. Take a little
break, will ya? Please?

Listen to me, Danny.
Just fight through it.

Pain is temporary. Crying hurts
you the rest of your life.

Now, when I walk away, spit.

So, somebody has a big
birthday coming up, huh?

The big 1-1.

So, I was thinking, uh,
invite a few friends over.

You know, we can hang out, watch a
movie, maybe do a little face-painting.

Face-painting? You know
that I'm a boy, right?

- Well, after today, the jury's still out.
- Shut it!



All right, well, we could
do something else.

- How about a cupcake station?
- How about a paintball party?

Sorry, bud. You know, I looked
into it, and it's just a little...

100% out of our price range.

But we could rent a
movie, have some pizza,

and hang out with some friends.

Look, mom, I've been to
four birthday parties.

Three went go-karting,
one went to laser tag.

I can't just have my friends
over for a movie and a pizza.

I'm still gonna stop by the Redbox
at the market just in case.

The poor kid.

I mean, even though he's a crybaby,
he deserves a better party than that.

Why don't you just get one of
them germ-infested bounce houses

where you get
concussions, you know?

That's even better than
what you got planned.

Step it up, will you? Huh?

Step it up.

♪ I'm back

Season 1, Episode 8 "No
Crying in Baseball"

What's a fake noodle called?

- What?
- An im-pasta.

- That's... that's good.
- You get it?

It's... it's a pretty good pun.

Let me know if you guys
need anything else.

Thanks, Chelle.

Hey, so, we are gonna have people
over for Danny's birthday.

We're gonna have pizza. We're
gonna have video games.

We're gonna have face-painting.

No, we killed that. That's
not something we're doing.

Right. Because you hate
way-cool face-painting.

Let it go.

Anyway, it's this Saturday, and I
know that's really late notice,

but please tell me
you guys are free.

What, no? This Saturday? We can't.
It's Michael's party.

- It's your birthday, too?
- Yeah.

- "Dancing with the Birthday Stars."
- No way.

Did you not get the invitation?

Weird. Must have gotten lost.

Look, it's okay if you
guys can't make it.

Um, it's not like we're
having a real party, anyway.

Or... brilliant idea from Lulu...
Um, why don't we combine parties?

And now that I say it, more
obvious than brilliant, but...

Well, that would be awesome!
Mom, can we?

Oh, I don't... I don't know. We
don't want to jump on your thing.

Oh, Terry, come on. It's me.
Jump on my thing.

This is going to be huge.
My mom does everything big.

Makes everything big.

Uh, honestly, we
were gonna go small.

- I'm on a really tight budget.
- Oh, Terry, don't be so silly.

I've got contacts all over town...
Get us a great price.

And we'll do it together.
It'll be fun.

Danny, what kind of
party would you like?

You can have absolutely
anything you want.

- Paintball.
- Paintball?!

Paintball?

- Danny, anything you want.
- Yeah, paintball.

Oh, come on, mom. It's
gonna be so much fun.

Okay.

- Dancing and violence it is.
- Yes!

It's so "West Side
story." I'm loving it.

Okay!

And how much are the balloons
shaped like army tanks?

Only $50? Great. We'll
take 10 of those.

Or one.

We'll take one sad, lonely balloon
shaped like an army tank.

And a bubble machine.

Great. Thank you, Mr.
Balloon Man.

I can't believe we are actually
planning a party together.

Oh, I know. It's an exciting
twist in our friendship.

Yeah, it's like we're in The Parent
Trap and we just found out we're twins.

Oh, yes. A couple
of Lohans, we are.

You know, those two were great.
They really should work more.

Hey, what's going on?

I'm hearing a lot of
clicks over there.

Oh, I'm just on the paintballing website
getting a few last-minute essentials.

You've got the laser scope
and the utility belt and...

- Just "select all."
- Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. "Select all."

That feels like a bit much.

Yeah, kids don't need all that.
Well, at least Danny doesn't.

Oh, well, my Michael
does need all that.

He's accustomed to a certain
level of going big.

Danny, I think, feels
more comfortable

being... Less accessorized.

So, you know, maybe we
just do the utility belts,

and then before going big,
we just talk to each other.

Fine. Fine.

Just get the belts...
And they'll look great.

Wow. Splitting the cost has actually
made this whole thing doable.

- What's our grand total?
- $4,000.

- I owe you 2 grand?
- Yes! Cheap as chips!

You know, we should plan
all our parties together.

Hey, look.

I got you a... an early birthday
present just to make up

for whatever lame thing
your mother gets you.

And... here it is.

- A sock.
- Don't be a wise guy. It is not a sock.

It is a redemption sock.

There's a cue ball in
the toe of this thing.

So one quick little move...
Forehand or backhand...

The Gannons are not the
ones crying anymore.

- We're back.
- And I'm in Juvie.

Why is this such a big deal? Did
I seriously disappoint you?

You're my grandson...
My only grandson...

And I care for you more than
anything else in the whole world.

So, uh, yeah.

You're a mess. What, did you
sleep in your pizza clothes?

Yes. Yes, I did, actually.

I worked a double shift last night,
and I'm working another one today.

Mom, I know why you're doing this,
and I really appreciate it.

Don't worry about it, buddy.
I'm happy to.

Oh, no.

No, no, no. No redemption sock!

This has spaghetti sauce. That's the
same one from when I was a kid!

That's wrong. That is
not spaghetti sauce.

Danny is fine.

There will be no braining of
kids with the redemption sock.

Look, we had an embarrassing
moment in public.

We are not fine until we get
this whole thing balanced out.

No one cares, dad. Let it go.

Danny, get your stuff. You're
gonna be late for school.

Redemption sock II is
in your lunch bag,

and the sequel is just
as good as the original.

Go get 'em, buddy.

Go. Hey.

Vzzt! Vzzt! "Timber!"

O.M.G.! The RSVPS
are rolling in!

This is the most kids
I've ever had a party.

- I'm so jazzed.
- Heh-hey!

How's the arm, wuss boy? I hear
you're having paintball party?

Yeah. Yeah, we are.
And guess what...

- You're not invited.
- Guess what, Danny.

Anyone can show up to a paintball
range and ruin the whole party

by shooting the birthday
boys until they cry.

- There's also going to be dancing.
- Not the time, Michael.

I can't believe that you ditched me
to join this entire team of losers!

- What's your problem?
- A mild case of ADHD.

We're dead.

What?

Hup. Eight. Hup.

- Change of plans, everyone.
- Hold on.

Party is canceled, all right?

David and the Pirates...
They're gonna come,

and they're gonna kick our
butts in paintball, all right?

Emphasis on my butt.

So, wait a minute. You're
just gonna run away and hide?

Yeah. That seems like the "I want
to make it to 12" thing to do.

No, see, we can just turn
this whole thing around.

We can get rid of that
crying nonsense, right?

I mean, this is your
cue-ball-in-a-sock moment.

- I just want to have a normal birthday.
- You will.

I can teach you the basics of infantry
training, but you got to listen.

Now, these Pirates over there...
They will show you no mercy.

They think you're all a bunch of
wusses anyway. We'll use that.

We will make their hubris
be their downfall, see?

What's a hubris?

You'll be the first two to go.

Yay! First!

Hey, uh, where's Dong?

If you have to ask about Dong,
then you're already dead.

I just got a chill.

Let's do this!

Yeah!

Okay, then, let's go.

Down.

Up.

Down.

Up.

Dong, not down and down.
Down and up.

No, no. Those are not shillelaghs.
This is not a Scottish dance.

Strike with it!

Crawling, crawling.

Crawling!

Roll! Good.

Push it!

All right, crawl. Crawl.

Faster! Faster!

You want to quit, Dong?!
You want this?!

I have no place left to go, Mr.
The Cannon.

Hey, slim. What are you doing in my chair?
You're spoiling my perfect ass form.

There's not gonna be
a paintball party.

- What do you mean, no party?
- Couldn't come up with the money.

I got the kids battle-ready. I
mean, what are you talking about?

- I-I-I trained them how to kill today.
- I feel horrible.

I am a complete
failure as a parent.

Uh, no argument there.

W-what kind of money
we talking about?

Uh, like, uh, ransom money,
like, for Alec Baldwin

or for Stephen Baldwin?

I need $2,000, and I have $684.

Oh. And 73 cents.

People suck at tipping.

So, $1,315.27, right?

- That's impressive.
- Wait right there.

___

This ought to cover it.

Where did you get that?

Well, sometimes I bury
cash in the yard...

- So I know where it is.
- Dad...

- Thank you. I-I-I'll pay you back.
- No, no, no. This is not a loan.

I think Danny should have a
real nice birthday party,

you know, with his friends...

Just like the kind I
used to give you.

The closest you ever came
to celebrating my birthday

was telling me "Happy Birthday"

nine months from my
actual birthday.

It was a surprise.

Anyway, uh, he's a good kid.

And, by the way, a very
Happy Birthday to you.

- Six months away.
- Six? We're getting closer.

If you insist on
having ice sculptures,

then you will need a
refrigerated table.

- Oh, I absolutely insist, lieutenant.
- Oh. What's all this?

Oh, we got party plans
on top of party plans.

Oh, we're just going over some last-minute
details for the party, Terry.

Please continue,
lieutenant Otis.

- Talk about the pyrotechnic show.
- Thank you, corporal.

Luckily for you, Lulu upgraded your
party to the shock-and-awe package.

- It'll melt your face off.
- Bang!

Oh. No. No.

No shock. No awe. And
no face-melting.

You know what...
Why don't you guys

figure out what you want to do, and...
and then give me a call?

- I got some stuff to do, so...
- Um, Lulu, what, uh...

What are you doing here?

Well, I just added a
few extras, darling,

and I've only done it because the party
was starting to feel a little... sad.

Oh. Well, we agreed to keep it sad.
I mean... simple.

Okay, this isn't prison
camp for kids, Terry.

It's a party. It
needs to be special.

Cupcakes are special...
To an 11-year-old.

That's because they
haven't tried foie gras.

Listen, stop worrying about it, Terry.
It'll give you wrinkles.

It's on me. I understand... You're
working within a... budget.

Yeah, but that's not the point. We
agreed to be partners, you know?

W-we... you're supposed to
run all this stuff by me.

- I just did.
- Oh. Lulu. Wow.

You're being really thoughtless.

We agreed to talk
before going big.

I killed myself to make this money.
My dad even chipped in.

And now you're just throwing
your money in my face.

Like, how is this
gonna look to Danny?

That you're an awesome
mother and not some woman

who works in a pizza place
and can't throw a party.

Listen, Terry, you're really
good at some things, like...

Ponytails... And wearing shorts.

Spitting... you're great at that.
I-I plan parties.

And frankly, working with you,
it's been very limiting for me.

Oh. Well, I don't think
this is working out.

So I think it would
be best if we had...

Well, we should have
separate parties!

- I said it first! I dumped you!
- No!

That is exactly what I was gonna
say, but you always talk first!

Terry, please, just get
out of my gorgeous house!

Oh, who does a-a white rug with...
with... white walls?!

It's like... it's like
super-cheesy heaven!

It's taste, Terry! Taste!

Breathe through it, darling.

Hey.

Your party's starting to
creep over to my side again.

Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry, Terry.

I didn't realize that that sad
little table was a party.

- Class.
- Out the arse, darling.

Listen, guys, what we got here today
is an opportunity for greatness.

Now, we've been training
real hard for a whole day.

You guys were born for...

Well, you know, maybe
not this, but...

Well, obviously not
baseball, but...

You were born.

If we have to fight those guys,
we're gonna need a better pep talk.

Hey, here they are. Come on.
Game faces, guys.

Dudley, not "I got to poop" face...
game face.

Hey, Cannon. What are you
and the Angles doing here?

- You really don't know?
- I don't know.

David's here playing paintball.
I just came here to pay for it.

Whoa! Look at this, man!

- These things are awesome.
- Be careful. It's loaded.

Oh, okay, Cannon. You think I
don't know my way around...

Poof! That did not sting.

- Dad! I need your credit card!
- Okay.

- Let it out, Nancy.
- Let what out... Nancy?

Pardon me.

Okay, everybody, listen.

As a special "Dancing
with the Stars" surprise,

Maria and Juan here are going to
teach us all how to merengue.

Pizza's here!

- Pizza time!
- Whoo! Pizza!

Looks like prison-camp food
is owning merengue dancers.

Yes. Clearly. You win.

You beat me.

The Revolutionary
War all over again.

Why did you come here?
You have money.

You could have moved your
party anywhere in town...

Like a dance studio
or a dance boat...

Or a dance island.

Yes, I-I could have,
but honestly,

I kept the party here because
this is where the kids are.

Every year, no matter how
many children we've invited,

my Michael is the only one under
40 who's actually there, Terry.

- Yeah.
- Lulu.

Listen, I really didn't mean to belittle
you with my money, Terry. I, um...

I just wanted the boys'
party to be extra-special.

But I get it.

It doesn't matter to Michael
how much fuss I make.

He just... just wants
his friends there.

And I acted like a complete jerk
because of my lack of money.

I see now a kid needs a
real birthday sometimes.

Danny's just gone
without for so long,

I just assumed he'd be
okay with something small.

I'm sorry, Lulu.

So am I.

Did we just have
our first fight?

Oh! Oh, my gosh.
Yes, I think we did.

And there's not a scratch
on either of us.

I think that means
we're real friends.

I'd say we're besties.

I'd say you better give
me a hug, richie bitch.

Bring it in!

Angles! Let's take care of
business out there, all right?

Remember... Ammo
discipline, okay?

Let's go!

Get the Angles!

Get the Angles!

I can see you! I see you!

Mano a mano! I'm coming for you!

Get the Angles! Get the Angles!

Get the Angles!

Go!

I see you, Pirate.

You can't hide.

- Come out wherever you are.
- Hey, Angle!

Dang it!

Hey, Pirates! Check
out these moves!

Angles!

Angles!

One, two, three!

Cover me, everyone!

- Die, tubby!
- Ow! They got me!

Dudley is down! We're
coming for you, Dudley!

Hit the ground, Angel!

- Dudley, help me roll you over.
- Wait... what?!

- I'm not a human shield!
- Where are they?

Are you blind?!
They're everywhere!

I told you!

What the heck's the
matter with you guys?

I mean, I taught you everything I know.
You're all dead.

You know, if this was real war,
you'd all be speaking German.

Gesundheit.

It's crazy out there, man. They're
storming our headquarters.

The gingers have gone rogue.

I saw them shooting at
an ice-cream truck.

- Cannon. Danny's hurt.
- Where is he?

Hey. Kid. You all right?

I lost my gun, and I
twisted my ankle.

- I can't walk.
- I hear you crying, Gannon.

I'm gonna put you
out of your misery!

Cannon, I'm not as tough as you. Okay?
That's all there is to it.

I'm sorry I disappointed you.

The hell with anything
I ever said, okay?

You're my favorite kid
in the whole world.

And you're always with me, okay?

Thanks, Cannon.

- Look, one more thing.
- What?

How close are they?

You playing possum?

I'm using their hubris.

I get it... Your
redemption sock, right?

Okay, listen, there's
two to your left

and two to your right,
a stone's throw away.

All right?

Go give 'em hell, buddy.

Happy Birthday to me!

- You all right?
- Yeah.

Good game.

That's a hell of a kid.

That's what you're gonna get trying to
be a tough guy all the time, David.

Come here.

I'm sorry.

Let's go home.

It's okay.

It'll be okay, son.

Back to work.

No touching a cupcake
until I say so.

Now, which brave soldier
deserves a cupcake?

I do! I do!

- I can't hear you!
- Me! I do! I do! Me!

- Off you go.
- Yeah! Whoo!

This is so fun.

All of the kids told me this
was the best party ever.

Thanks, mom.

Yeah, I really appreciate it.

Come on, Danny.

- Ahh. Well, that made it all worth it.
- It is incredible.

Oh, boys! Please, don't
forget your party favors!

Lulu, what did you do?

Oh, just some truffles, face cream,
and some sterling-silver dog tags.

They can go back.

No, no, no. No. Let
them have them.

But you're not getting
a dime out of me.

Cheap.