Back in the Game (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 7 - Safety Squeeze - full transcript
After an incident at Angles practice, The Cannon and Dick are sent to safety and sensitivity training. Meanwhile, Terry takes special interest in Dudley when his parents forget to pick him up after practice. When Terry finds out his parents are getting a divorce, she's determined to make sure he isn't neglected.
See this? Do you see it?!
Move! Man down!
3 MINUTES EARLIER
All right, guys, Angles,
let's shag some flies.
Yeah, I don't know about this.
We had three injuries just
running out of the dugout.
What are they gonna
do during a game?
They're gonna do what
they always do...
Yell "you got it" and
get out of the way.
Come on, give me.
I got it! I got it! I got it!
I got it!
- You got it!
- You got it!
You know, dick, as
safety officer,
it really makes me happy to see
your league embracing safety.
Yep. Just like I'd like
to embrace my wife...
If she ever comes back.
Anyway, high marks all
across the board.
Thank you, and I'm sorry
about Emma, Sheldon,
and, uh, I'd love to take credit
for how safe it is out
here, but, you know.
Ah, who are we kidding?
This is all me.
- Well, practices have really
been a pleasure to watch. - Yep.
Boy, it's miles ahead of how it
was before you took over in '09.
Yeah, I can't believe that
Goldberg kid lost his hand.
Man. You'd think chain link would
be a little more forgiving.
All right, Dong. Remember
what we practiced now.
Shade your eyes with the glove,
watch it, catch it.
Okay, Cannon. Got it.
Season 1, Episode 7
"Safety Squeeze"
Come on. Come on, buddy. Wake up.
You all right?
He's dead. I've
seen this before.
- We need a fixer.
- No, see? See? He's not dead.
That head's 10% brain and 90%...
Something else.
Here, come here. Put
this on your head.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hang on.
Are you offering an alcoholic
beverage to a minor, Cannon,
in front of our regional
safety officer?
Am I wearing clown shoes?
The piñata on this
can turned red.
That means it's ice-cold.
You get that?
That is completely unacceptable.
- Where's your medical bag?
- Yeah.
Move! Man down!
Hey, hey. You're gonna
be okay, buddy. Here.
It's not half as bad as yesterday.
Or the day before.
Or the time you ate
the rosin bag.
Angles, take a lap while
we figure this thing out.
You, sir, are completely out of touch
with the safety of these kids.
Yep. He's a human pipe bomb.
I've been saying it for weeks.
And who exactly are you?
This is Sheldon Bickell. He's
the regional safety officer.
I knew, uh, an Emma Bickell.
She was a very unhappy woman.
It's a common name.
What I just saw was a blatant violation
of the league's safety rules.
- I'm gonna have to report this.
- Yes! Yes!
And not to do your job, Sheldon,
but I personally would recommend
the four-hour safety seminar.
- Who asked you?
- And you know what else?
She's the coach, so she
should have to go, too.
- I went.
- Oh, you did, short shorts?
Then why are your kids still getting
hit in the face with balls?
- I will kill you.
- No, I'll do that.
Dick, as the president of the
league, you have to go, too.
- You're responsible for this guy.
- Oh, come on, Sheldon!
Dang it!
What makes you think that, uh,
I'll show up at this thing anyway?
Do it. Don't do it.
The choice is yours.
But if you're at the game, the
Angles are gonna have to forfeit.
- You'd be doing them a favor.
- I will make sure he's there.
Do that. I'll be there, too.
I have no place else to go.
Now, what makes you think you
can make me do anything?
You have to go. You're keeping
the kids from playing.
Just pretend you're at
home not listening to me.
What?
- Hey.
- Oh!
If you're waiting for Michael, I'm pretty
sure he rode his bike home with Danny.
Oh, no. No, darling.
I am here for the kid hand-off.
Yes, it's the best
and easiest way
to spot the newly divorced dads.
- You are an animal.
- Oh, no, darling.
I'm a very sympathetic lioness,
on the prowl for an
emotionally wounded gazelle.
Ooh, yeah, see, I like him.
He knows how to spoil.
Lulu, are there any
that you don't like?
Yes, darling. I will
not do a parent
who drives a car that
starts with the letter "H."
- Oh, well, it's good to have standards.
- Mm-hmm.
I will never date a
man with a perm...
Way too selfish.
Hey. You okay?
I'm fine, coach.
Just waiting on my dad.
- You want to use my cellphone?
- It's okay.
I can do my homework
until he gets here.
He almost never forgets
to pick me up.
So, do your parents
forget you sometimes?
It's happened before.
They're really busy.
Don't worry. I only
live a few miles away.
If it gets too dark,
I can just walk.
Oh, no. No, no.
I know something
about being alone.
I'll stay here and
wait with you.
So, do you like video games?
Are you hitting on me, coach?
All right.
What's for dinner?
Hold it. What'd you bring
the Fat Kid home for?
I only made food for 40.
- His name is Dudley, Cannon.
- Thank you, Danny.
His dad didn't show, and I wasn't
just gonna leave him at the field.
- I'm gonna try him again, okay?
- Hey, Mother Teresa.
Why don't you try and
just take him home?
Because I know how
scary it can be
to be left alone in an
empty house at night.
Well, I'd like to be left alone
in an empty house at night.
Want to hear a knock-knock joke?
Well, what do you think?
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
- Knock, knock.
- You know, Cannon,
it's gonna be a lot easier on all of
us if you just say "Who's there?"
Knock, knock.
Yes, Mr. Douglas.
He's fine. I...
No, I will not tell your son
that your ex-wife is that word,
nor will I tell your ex-wife
that she is that word.
You know what? This is... This
conversation's over. Goodbye.
Hey, Terry. This guy has to go.
He just told me 15 knock-knock
jokes in a minute
while inhaling a half
a box of crackers,
which is incredible
and disgusting.
Well, Dudley is
staying for dinner.
That ought to be a great show.
Dudley, your parents got
the schedules mixed up.
Your dad's getting in
touch with your mom,
but until then, this
is your house, okay?
Yes! Uh, can I take two
ice-cream sandwiches
and stack them on
top of each other
and make a double-stuffed
ice-cream sandwich?
If that will make you
feel better, sure.
Yay! No rules!
Take that, calorie log.
Hmm. Okay.
If fatty wants to
stay, it's fine.
If I find teeth marks in
my easy chair... done.
Your mom had an emergency at work,
so you're gonna stay with us, okay?
You comfortable, buddy?
- Now I am.
- Okay. All right.
You guys have my permission to
stay up as long as you like, okay?
Thanks, mom-Terry
and brother-Danny.
Let's just stick to our regular names.
Good night.
Danny, are you still awake?
It doesn't seem like I
have much of a choice.
How long have your
parents been divorced?
About a year now.
Doesn't it suck how
much they still fight?
Well... I don't know. I mean, it
wasn't really like that for me.
My mom seems way happier now,
and I like the way things are.
You lucked out.
My dad used to tuck
me in at night
and give me something
to snuggle with.
I miss that.
If I give you Mr. Cuddles,
will you stop talking?
Yes.
You know what?
Keep the bear.
Dudley kept me up all night.
I mean, he could have at least
aimed himself towards the wall.
I know. He kept me up, too.
He was rooting through
that cupboard.
Sounded like a goat
playing the drum set.
Dudley is going through a
very difficult time, dad.
Neither one of his parents
are there for him.
- Imagine how he feels.
- Well, I can't.
- He ate my imagination.
- Be nice.
- Good morning, Dudley.
- Good morning.
I made you some eggs...
And bacon.
- Hey, you just jacked my bacon.
- No manners, no bacon.
You just make sure you go
to that safety class today.
Oh, that's probably your mom.
Hurry and finish up, bud.
Knock, knock.
I know who's there...
My bacon.
Terry, I am so sorry
for the mix up.
Oh, it's no problem.
I just don't know how safe it is leaving
him out at the field like that.
His father told me the nanny
was gonna pick Dudley up,
but chances are, she's
in Phoenix with him.
- Hey, mom.
- There's my big cat.
Now, say thanks and
get in the car.
- Thanks, coach.
- Of course. Anytime, buddy.
Thank you.
Bye.
All right, welcome, coaches.
Over the next four hours,
we are going to cover all
of the safety procedures
mandated by West Lake township.
Now, as you can see,
thanks to last night's
anger-management meeting,
they've cleared out
all of our chairs.
I have an idea... why don't
we just circle it on up
and have a seat on the floor?
Come on, guys.
Uh, Mr. Gannon, why don't you
join us here on the floor?
See, I-I-I lived
through the '60s,
and I have no interest
whatsoever in eating curry
or passing around the peace pipe
or playing "duck, duck, goose."
I don't do floors, Sheldon.
Fine.
Let's begin.
What is safety?
Safety always feels
excellent together...
Yay!
M...
O...
R...
O-N...
Moron. Yay.
That man does not speak for
my league, to be clear.
Flag on the play.
That's not safe speech.
Hey, Dudley. What a surprise.
Hey, coach mom-Terry.
Uh, hey, mom, you know, can
I talk to you real quick?
Dudley just kind of
followed me home.
I didn't know what to do.
He just seems really
lonely, you know?
Okay.
You know what? Let me
talk to him alone.
- All right.
- Thanks.
Hey.
How's it going?
- I've been better.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I know how you feel.
After my mom died, my dad was
hardly ever there for me.
I'm a grown-up, and
it still hurts.
But you need to know, buddy,
your parents' divorce
is not your fault.
I just wish things could go
back to the way they were.
They don't even go
to my games anymore.
But I don't blame them.
I mean, who wants to see a fat kid
strike out five times in a row?
Let's remember our CPR
technique, gentlemen.
It's 30 compressions
and 2 breaths.
Pucker up, sweetheart. I just
ate a meatball sandwich.
Oh, come on!
- I-I want a different partner!
- And I'd like my wife back.
Unresponsive!
He's back. He's back.
- Good teamwork, guys.
- Thank you.
Oh, uh... uh, Sheldon,
I-I really want a different
partner this time.
Can... can I work with
Dennis this time just...
Hold it. Just a second. What do
you think... I'm a crazy person?
Do you really believe for one second
that I'd hit you with this bat?
Exactly. The Cannon is right.
Look, if you see anyone
holding a baseball bat,
you make sure that no
one is within 5 feet
of that person's safety bubble.
Today we're using
wiffle-ball bats,
but there is no comparison
to the pain of walking home
and seeing that your wife has
left you for your sister.
Right, but he's within
5 feet of my...
He was in my bubble.
Did you see that?
He was in my bubble.
Trust me, Dick.
All right, this exercise
will demonstrate
what it feels like to completely
trust one of your coaches.
Remember, if your kids don't
trust you, they don't feel safe.
Boy, Dennis, I'm glad
you're my partner.
I feel safe.
So, where are you from, man?
It's a little weird
you're not answering me.
And if you're ready, you can go.
Slow down, Dennis.
Talk to me, man.
I smell cologne. No. Aah!
Want to go again, Dickie?
You know something?
This isn't just about you
having fun terrorizing me.
Instead of banging me around,
you could have used this
opportunity to learn something.
I did. I-I learned it's funny
when your face hits a door.
You know what?
I cannot imagine growing
up with you as my dad.
It's no wonder Terry's
a frickin' disaster.
- Listen, you piece of crap.
- Yeah. Come on. Let's go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, guys.
Guys, what's going on here?
I was over here, you know, just
trying to get into my safety bubble.
And then this guy comes
and gets in my face.
That old bastard is
lying to you right now!
- He's lying!
- See, that is hurt speech.
- Yeah...
- And I feel very unsafe.
- Dick, haven't you learned anything here?
- No! Guess not.
No! No, he hasn't.
And I fortunately have.
I mean, just coming to
this safety seminar,
I've learned quite a
bit about myself.
I've learned, you know, to respect
and enjoy my time with the kids.
And, uh, also, I...
I learned I have to get
deep inside myself,
you know, to find a better man,
so these kids won't be
f-frightened or scared.
So, what I'm saying is,
thanks a lot, Sheldon,
and, uh...
I guess I'll see you on the
field for my evaluation.
Thanks again.
Look at that. Someone
was listening.
- You hear that, Dick?
- Oh, I heard it.
- It works.
- Mm-hmm.
- Cannon, way to go.
- Way to go, Cannon.
I'm granting you permission
to enter my bubble.
Yeah.
I miss her so much, Cannon.
Oh, Mr. Douglas, it
would just be so great
if you changed your mind, took
the high road with your wife,
and just showed up
to Dudley's game.
I'm out of wings
and blue cheese.
- I really love blue cheese.
- Chelle... 20 more, extra blue.
Look at that. They're
on their way.
And there'll be more where that came
from if you show up to the game.
Look, it's not my custody day.
I got plans.
Anyway, do I really want
to be in the stands
and have my wife yell at me for trying
to be happy for once in my life?
What about your son?
- Dudley knows I love him.
- I don't think he does.
He needs you there.
You know what? Don't tell
me what my son needs.
Cancel the wings. I
lost my appetite.
All right, Lulu. Plan "B."
Don't worry, darling.
I'll get him there.
Excuse me.
Um, sweetheart, I couldn't help
but notice you drive a Jaguar.
Coach Terry!
Both of my parents are here!
I'm gonna get a hit today!
I can just feel it!
I know you are, buddy.
The day that kid gets a hit...
You say one negative thing
about Dudley, so help me,
I will make a cologne-flavored popsicle
out of you with that baseball bat.
If you'd just let me finish.
I was gonna say the day
that kid gets a hit
would probably be today.
Bud?
Stepping into your bubble.
I just want to say
that you're, uh...
You're a fantastic person.
And, you know... Good things.
So, you... y-you find
me after the game,
and I'm gonna put one of those rainbow
stickers right on your helmet.
Will you put kitty
whiskers on my face?
Yeah. Yeah. You just find me.
Positive reinforcement, Shel.
Kids need that.
Safety.
Stepping out.
One, two, three... Cardinals!
Great.
Eye of the kitty, buddy.
Eye of the kitty.
- Get your finger out of my face!
- Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no.
- Don't you wave your finger at me!
- I'll put my finger wherever...
Unbelievable.
Let's go, buddy.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Run!
Come on! Come on!
Come on, buddy!
You're out!
- He's not out!
- Come on, coach.
That throw beat your kid's
foot there by a mile.
I don't care where his foot was.
Yeah, but that's kind
of the whole point.
No, it's not the point, okay?
These... these kids
need to feel safe.
Okay, they shouldn't have
to go through this alone.
You need to be there, and
you need to pay attention.
All right, all right.
I'm gonna need you to go back to
the dugout and take whatever it is
that your doctor prescribed you.
Do you see this?
Do you see this? Do you see it?!
His foot touched this bag.
That is supposed to
mean he is safe, okay?!
In fact, this should be the
safest place on earth!
It doesn't work like that, lady.
"Lady"?!
That is exactly how it works!
Because that is the
job we signed up for
as parents and as
coaches, okay?!
- Let's go.
- Ugh!
Hey, that was a great
hit today, Dud.
Great job. Proud of you.
You didn't call me "Fat Kid."
Well, don't worry. I will next time.
Good hit.
No! No!
- Hey.
- Hey.
That little blowup you had today,
uh, made me really proud, Junior.
I guess babying the fat kid
wound you up a little, right?
Do you want to know why
I was babying Dudley?
No, not really.
Because I didn't want
him to feel abandoned
like I did when I was a kid.
"Abandoned"?
Who did that?
What do you call
leaving a 10-year-old
in a Mexican hotel room with
a strange woman for a month?
Club Med?
Look... Juanita...
She was a terrific lady and...
and a great caretaker,
and I was sure that
you'd be safe with her.
Uh, by the way, what the
heck can I do about it now?
Why did you leave me like that?
You know, mom had just died.
You left me with a
complete stranger.
What did I do?
No.
You did...
I mean, you did nothing.
You know, when mom...
When mom died, I, uh...
I did a lot more than
just drink a little bit.
I was a mess.
So I figured, uh, if I
left you with, uh...
Somebody I trusted...
Really trusted...
That you'd be, you know, a lot
better off than being with me.
I really didn't want you to
see me like that, you know?
And, uh, so I just
thought I did, uh,
you know, the best that I could.
You sure didn't do
anything, honey.
I'm sorry.
Dad.
Where did you go when you left?
Some Mexican Betty
Ford kind of thing.
- But you still drink.
- Well, it was in Mexican.
I mean, I-I didn't understand
anything they said.
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
Move! Man down!
3 MINUTES EARLIER
All right, guys, Angles,
let's shag some flies.
Yeah, I don't know about this.
We had three injuries just
running out of the dugout.
What are they gonna
do during a game?
They're gonna do what
they always do...
Yell "you got it" and
get out of the way.
Come on, give me.
I got it! I got it! I got it!
I got it!
- You got it!
- You got it!
You know, dick, as
safety officer,
it really makes me happy to see
your league embracing safety.
Yep. Just like I'd like
to embrace my wife...
If she ever comes back.
Anyway, high marks all
across the board.
Thank you, and I'm sorry
about Emma, Sheldon,
and, uh, I'd love to take credit
for how safe it is out
here, but, you know.
Ah, who are we kidding?
This is all me.
- Well, practices have really
been a pleasure to watch. - Yep.
Boy, it's miles ahead of how it
was before you took over in '09.
Yeah, I can't believe that
Goldberg kid lost his hand.
Man. You'd think chain link would
be a little more forgiving.
All right, Dong. Remember
what we practiced now.
Shade your eyes with the glove,
watch it, catch it.
Okay, Cannon. Got it.
Season 1, Episode 7
"Safety Squeeze"
Come on. Come on, buddy. Wake up.
You all right?
He's dead. I've
seen this before.
- We need a fixer.
- No, see? See? He's not dead.
That head's 10% brain and 90%...
Something else.
Here, come here. Put
this on your head.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hang on.
Are you offering an alcoholic
beverage to a minor, Cannon,
in front of our regional
safety officer?
Am I wearing clown shoes?
The piñata on this
can turned red.
That means it's ice-cold.
You get that?
That is completely unacceptable.
- Where's your medical bag?
- Yeah.
Move! Man down!
Hey, hey. You're gonna
be okay, buddy. Here.
It's not half as bad as yesterday.
Or the day before.
Or the time you ate
the rosin bag.
Angles, take a lap while
we figure this thing out.
You, sir, are completely out of touch
with the safety of these kids.
Yep. He's a human pipe bomb.
I've been saying it for weeks.
And who exactly are you?
This is Sheldon Bickell. He's
the regional safety officer.
I knew, uh, an Emma Bickell.
She was a very unhappy woman.
It's a common name.
What I just saw was a blatant violation
of the league's safety rules.
- I'm gonna have to report this.
- Yes! Yes!
And not to do your job, Sheldon,
but I personally would recommend
the four-hour safety seminar.
- Who asked you?
- And you know what else?
She's the coach, so she
should have to go, too.
- I went.
- Oh, you did, short shorts?
Then why are your kids still getting
hit in the face with balls?
- I will kill you.
- No, I'll do that.
Dick, as the president of the
league, you have to go, too.
- You're responsible for this guy.
- Oh, come on, Sheldon!
Dang it!
What makes you think that, uh,
I'll show up at this thing anyway?
Do it. Don't do it.
The choice is yours.
But if you're at the game, the
Angles are gonna have to forfeit.
- You'd be doing them a favor.
- I will make sure he's there.
Do that. I'll be there, too.
I have no place else to go.
Now, what makes you think you
can make me do anything?
You have to go. You're keeping
the kids from playing.
Just pretend you're at
home not listening to me.
What?
- Hey.
- Oh!
If you're waiting for Michael, I'm pretty
sure he rode his bike home with Danny.
Oh, no. No, darling.
I am here for the kid hand-off.
Yes, it's the best
and easiest way
to spot the newly divorced dads.
- You are an animal.
- Oh, no, darling.
I'm a very sympathetic lioness,
on the prowl for an
emotionally wounded gazelle.
Ooh, yeah, see, I like him.
He knows how to spoil.
Lulu, are there any
that you don't like?
Yes, darling. I will
not do a parent
who drives a car that
starts with the letter "H."
- Oh, well, it's good to have standards.
- Mm-hmm.
I will never date a
man with a perm...
Way too selfish.
Hey. You okay?
I'm fine, coach.
Just waiting on my dad.
- You want to use my cellphone?
- It's okay.
I can do my homework
until he gets here.
He almost never forgets
to pick me up.
So, do your parents
forget you sometimes?
It's happened before.
They're really busy.
Don't worry. I only
live a few miles away.
If it gets too dark,
I can just walk.
Oh, no. No, no.
I know something
about being alone.
I'll stay here and
wait with you.
So, do you like video games?
Are you hitting on me, coach?
All right.
What's for dinner?
Hold it. What'd you bring
the Fat Kid home for?
I only made food for 40.
- His name is Dudley, Cannon.
- Thank you, Danny.
His dad didn't show, and I wasn't
just gonna leave him at the field.
- I'm gonna try him again, okay?
- Hey, Mother Teresa.
Why don't you try and
just take him home?
Because I know how
scary it can be
to be left alone in an
empty house at night.
Well, I'd like to be left alone
in an empty house at night.
Want to hear a knock-knock joke?
Well, what do you think?
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
- Knock, knock.
- You know, Cannon,
it's gonna be a lot easier on all of
us if you just say "Who's there?"
Knock, knock.
Yes, Mr. Douglas.
He's fine. I...
No, I will not tell your son
that your ex-wife is that word,
nor will I tell your ex-wife
that she is that word.
You know what? This is... This
conversation's over. Goodbye.
Hey, Terry. This guy has to go.
He just told me 15 knock-knock
jokes in a minute
while inhaling a half
a box of crackers,
which is incredible
and disgusting.
Well, Dudley is
staying for dinner.
That ought to be a great show.
Dudley, your parents got
the schedules mixed up.
Your dad's getting in
touch with your mom,
but until then, this
is your house, okay?
Yes! Uh, can I take two
ice-cream sandwiches
and stack them on
top of each other
and make a double-stuffed
ice-cream sandwich?
If that will make you
feel better, sure.
Yay! No rules!
Take that, calorie log.
Hmm. Okay.
If fatty wants to
stay, it's fine.
If I find teeth marks in
my easy chair... done.
Your mom had an emergency at work,
so you're gonna stay with us, okay?
You comfortable, buddy?
- Now I am.
- Okay. All right.
You guys have my permission to
stay up as long as you like, okay?
Thanks, mom-Terry
and brother-Danny.
Let's just stick to our regular names.
Good night.
Danny, are you still awake?
It doesn't seem like I
have much of a choice.
How long have your
parents been divorced?
About a year now.
Doesn't it suck how
much they still fight?
Well... I don't know. I mean, it
wasn't really like that for me.
My mom seems way happier now,
and I like the way things are.
You lucked out.
My dad used to tuck
me in at night
and give me something
to snuggle with.
I miss that.
If I give you Mr. Cuddles,
will you stop talking?
Yes.
You know what?
Keep the bear.
Dudley kept me up all night.
I mean, he could have at least
aimed himself towards the wall.
I know. He kept me up, too.
He was rooting through
that cupboard.
Sounded like a goat
playing the drum set.
Dudley is going through a
very difficult time, dad.
Neither one of his parents
are there for him.
- Imagine how he feels.
- Well, I can't.
- He ate my imagination.
- Be nice.
- Good morning, Dudley.
- Good morning.
I made you some eggs...
And bacon.
- Hey, you just jacked my bacon.
- No manners, no bacon.
You just make sure you go
to that safety class today.
Oh, that's probably your mom.
Hurry and finish up, bud.
Knock, knock.
I know who's there...
My bacon.
Terry, I am so sorry
for the mix up.
Oh, it's no problem.
I just don't know how safe it is leaving
him out at the field like that.
His father told me the nanny
was gonna pick Dudley up,
but chances are, she's
in Phoenix with him.
- Hey, mom.
- There's my big cat.
Now, say thanks and
get in the car.
- Thanks, coach.
- Of course. Anytime, buddy.
Thank you.
Bye.
All right, welcome, coaches.
Over the next four hours,
we are going to cover all
of the safety procedures
mandated by West Lake township.
Now, as you can see,
thanks to last night's
anger-management meeting,
they've cleared out
all of our chairs.
I have an idea... why don't
we just circle it on up
and have a seat on the floor?
Come on, guys.
Uh, Mr. Gannon, why don't you
join us here on the floor?
See, I-I-I lived
through the '60s,
and I have no interest
whatsoever in eating curry
or passing around the peace pipe
or playing "duck, duck, goose."
I don't do floors, Sheldon.
Fine.
Let's begin.
What is safety?
Safety always feels
excellent together...
Yay!
M...
O...
R...
O-N...
Moron. Yay.
That man does not speak for
my league, to be clear.
Flag on the play.
That's not safe speech.
Hey, Dudley. What a surprise.
Hey, coach mom-Terry.
Uh, hey, mom, you know, can
I talk to you real quick?
Dudley just kind of
followed me home.
I didn't know what to do.
He just seems really
lonely, you know?
Okay.
You know what? Let me
talk to him alone.
- All right.
- Thanks.
Hey.
How's it going?
- I've been better.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I know how you feel.
After my mom died, my dad was
hardly ever there for me.
I'm a grown-up, and
it still hurts.
But you need to know, buddy,
your parents' divorce
is not your fault.
I just wish things could go
back to the way they were.
They don't even go
to my games anymore.
But I don't blame them.
I mean, who wants to see a fat kid
strike out five times in a row?
Let's remember our CPR
technique, gentlemen.
It's 30 compressions
and 2 breaths.
Pucker up, sweetheart. I just
ate a meatball sandwich.
Oh, come on!
- I-I want a different partner!
- And I'd like my wife back.
Unresponsive!
He's back. He's back.
- Good teamwork, guys.
- Thank you.
Oh, uh... uh, Sheldon,
I-I really want a different
partner this time.
Can... can I work with
Dennis this time just...
Hold it. Just a second. What do
you think... I'm a crazy person?
Do you really believe for one second
that I'd hit you with this bat?
Exactly. The Cannon is right.
Look, if you see anyone
holding a baseball bat,
you make sure that no
one is within 5 feet
of that person's safety bubble.
Today we're using
wiffle-ball bats,
but there is no comparison
to the pain of walking home
and seeing that your wife has
left you for your sister.
Right, but he's within
5 feet of my...
He was in my bubble.
Did you see that?
He was in my bubble.
Trust me, Dick.
All right, this exercise
will demonstrate
what it feels like to completely
trust one of your coaches.
Remember, if your kids don't
trust you, they don't feel safe.
Boy, Dennis, I'm glad
you're my partner.
I feel safe.
So, where are you from, man?
It's a little weird
you're not answering me.
And if you're ready, you can go.
Slow down, Dennis.
Talk to me, man.
I smell cologne. No. Aah!
Want to go again, Dickie?
You know something?
This isn't just about you
having fun terrorizing me.
Instead of banging me around,
you could have used this
opportunity to learn something.
I did. I-I learned it's funny
when your face hits a door.
You know what?
I cannot imagine growing
up with you as my dad.
It's no wonder Terry's
a frickin' disaster.
- Listen, you piece of crap.
- Yeah. Come on. Let's go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, guys.
Guys, what's going on here?
I was over here, you know, just
trying to get into my safety bubble.
And then this guy comes
and gets in my face.
That old bastard is
lying to you right now!
- He's lying!
- See, that is hurt speech.
- Yeah...
- And I feel very unsafe.
- Dick, haven't you learned anything here?
- No! Guess not.
No! No, he hasn't.
And I fortunately have.
I mean, just coming to
this safety seminar,
I've learned quite a
bit about myself.
I've learned, you know, to respect
and enjoy my time with the kids.
And, uh, also, I...
I learned I have to get
deep inside myself,
you know, to find a better man,
so these kids won't be
f-frightened or scared.
So, what I'm saying is,
thanks a lot, Sheldon,
and, uh...
I guess I'll see you on the
field for my evaluation.
Thanks again.
Look at that. Someone
was listening.
- You hear that, Dick?
- Oh, I heard it.
- It works.
- Mm-hmm.
- Cannon, way to go.
- Way to go, Cannon.
I'm granting you permission
to enter my bubble.
Yeah.
I miss her so much, Cannon.
Oh, Mr. Douglas, it
would just be so great
if you changed your mind, took
the high road with your wife,
and just showed up
to Dudley's game.
I'm out of wings
and blue cheese.
- I really love blue cheese.
- Chelle... 20 more, extra blue.
Look at that. They're
on their way.
And there'll be more where that came
from if you show up to the game.
Look, it's not my custody day.
I got plans.
Anyway, do I really want
to be in the stands
and have my wife yell at me for trying
to be happy for once in my life?
What about your son?
- Dudley knows I love him.
- I don't think he does.
He needs you there.
You know what? Don't tell
me what my son needs.
Cancel the wings. I
lost my appetite.
All right, Lulu. Plan "B."
Don't worry, darling.
I'll get him there.
Excuse me.
Um, sweetheart, I couldn't help
but notice you drive a Jaguar.
Coach Terry!
Both of my parents are here!
I'm gonna get a hit today!
I can just feel it!
I know you are, buddy.
The day that kid gets a hit...
You say one negative thing
about Dudley, so help me,
I will make a cologne-flavored popsicle
out of you with that baseball bat.
If you'd just let me finish.
I was gonna say the day
that kid gets a hit
would probably be today.
Bud?
Stepping into your bubble.
I just want to say
that you're, uh...
You're a fantastic person.
And, you know... Good things.
So, you... y-you find
me after the game,
and I'm gonna put one of those rainbow
stickers right on your helmet.
Will you put kitty
whiskers on my face?
Yeah. Yeah. You just find me.
Positive reinforcement, Shel.
Kids need that.
Safety.
Stepping out.
One, two, three... Cardinals!
Great.
Eye of the kitty, buddy.
Eye of the kitty.
- Get your finger out of my face!
- Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no.
- Don't you wave your finger at me!
- I'll put my finger wherever...
Unbelievable.
Let's go, buddy.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Run!
Come on! Come on!
Come on, buddy!
You're out!
- He's not out!
- Come on, coach.
That throw beat your kid's
foot there by a mile.
I don't care where his foot was.
Yeah, but that's kind
of the whole point.
No, it's not the point, okay?
These... these kids
need to feel safe.
Okay, they shouldn't have
to go through this alone.
You need to be there, and
you need to pay attention.
All right, all right.
I'm gonna need you to go back to
the dugout and take whatever it is
that your doctor prescribed you.
Do you see this?
Do you see this? Do you see it?!
His foot touched this bag.
That is supposed to
mean he is safe, okay?!
In fact, this should be the
safest place on earth!
It doesn't work like that, lady.
"Lady"?!
That is exactly how it works!
Because that is the
job we signed up for
as parents and as
coaches, okay?!
- Let's go.
- Ugh!
Hey, that was a great
hit today, Dud.
Great job. Proud of you.
You didn't call me "Fat Kid."
Well, don't worry. I will next time.
Good hit.
No! No!
- Hey.
- Hey.
That little blowup you had today,
uh, made me really proud, Junior.
I guess babying the fat kid
wound you up a little, right?
Do you want to know why
I was babying Dudley?
No, not really.
Because I didn't want
him to feel abandoned
like I did when I was a kid.
"Abandoned"?
Who did that?
What do you call
leaving a 10-year-old
in a Mexican hotel room with
a strange woman for a month?
Club Med?
Look... Juanita...
She was a terrific lady and...
and a great caretaker,
and I was sure that
you'd be safe with her.
Uh, by the way, what the
heck can I do about it now?
Why did you leave me like that?
You know, mom had just died.
You left me with a
complete stranger.
What did I do?
No.
You did...
I mean, you did nothing.
You know, when mom...
When mom died, I, uh...
I did a lot more than
just drink a little bit.
I was a mess.
So I figured, uh, if I
left you with, uh...
Somebody I trusted...
Really trusted...
That you'd be, you know, a lot
better off than being with me.
I really didn't want you to
see me like that, you know?
And, uh, so I just
thought I did, uh,
you know, the best that I could.
You sure didn't do
anything, honey.
I'm sorry.
Dad.
Where did you go when you left?
Some Mexican Betty
Ford kind of thing.
- But you still drink.
- Well, it was in Mexican.
I mean, I-I didn't understand
anything they said.
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.