Back in the Game (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 5 - She. Could. Go. All. The. Way! - full transcript
Dudley, one for the Bleachers.
No, no, no.
Ginger one... come on.
Right down third base.
You can do it.
Angel, bunt. Do something.
I don't care.
Excellent.
Finally, I'm done.
We can go home now.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
No. Hold up.
We are going around again.
We're batting around again.
Cannon, we've been doing batting
practice for two hours.
Right. I have a blister,
and it's affecting my
"around the world" snap.
Well, here's to your
"around the world" snap.
We're all gonna bat again until one
of you hit it out of the infield.
Hit the outfield grass,
just one of you.
Every other team in the league is
playing nine guys in the infield.
They're taking advantage
of your weakness.
Well, it's not gonna be long
before they just go to your
dugout and steal your women.
- What women?
- My point exactly. Now let's go!
Batter up. Top of the
order, whoever that is.
Hey, Junior!
You want to join us
over here or what?
I'm busy!
♪ Standing over there,
wagging your hair ♪
♪ There's something
that you do ♪
♪ Long and lean, a
rock-'n'-roll machine ♪
♪ I just want to get with you
That ass is so hard, you could
crack other hard asses off it.
Crack, crack.
Yeah, but he's really
more my speed.
Oh, really?
♪ You make me hot
- Okay.
- Hmm.
His name is Jack. He's our
liquor rep at the pizza place.
Well, everyone needs a
slump Buster now and then.
Who am I to judge?
Yeah, he's really channeling a whole
Beastie Boys "sabotage" thing.
And I like it.
I'm feeling something
about this guy.
Hmm.
- I think you should ask him out.
- Oh, wow.
I haven't asked out a guy since
I got pregnant and said,
"Hey, maybe we should
go out and talk."
Come on, darling. Ask him out.
With a mustache like that,
he's bound to be
bringing the thunder.
Oh, I want to, Lulu.
But I don't know.
Just not ready.
Well, if not you, me and
the ladies are going in.
Hmm? Mm-hmm.
♪ You make me hot
♪ You make me hot
♪ You make me hot
Oh, hey, Terry. Jack, you know Terry.
Terry's poor.
- Dick gets his hair highlighted.
- Terry's poor.
- Dick's afraid of bees.
- Well, you know what?
Nothing that small should be
imbued with that much power.
Jack, can I... Talk to you?
- Sure.
- Not... Here.
I have a... Um...
Bathroom question.
Front to back, Terry.
Always front to back.
Dick wears spanx and tries to
pass them off as bicycle shorts.
No, he doesn't, actually. That's a lie.
Where you guys going?
So, uh, Jack, I've
been watchingng you
at the pizza place, and
I think you're nice.
And I think I'm nice. And I
think we'd be nice together.
Do you like food? I like food.
Of course you like food.
You'd die without food.
I'm... Dying right now.
- Do you want to have dinner sometime?
- How about tonight?
- Okay.
- Okay.
- I will call you later.
- Sounds good.
Call who later? Ugh.
Who the hell was that?
None of your damn business.
- Why aren't you with the kids?
- Oh, yeah, about that.
- How many did we start off with today?
- 12.
So, not 8?
- We switched uniforms!
- We switched uniforms!
Hmm.
♪ I'm back
Season 1, Episode 5 "She. Could.
Go. All. The. Way!"
♪ I'm back
Great, Jack. So, I will see
you at sidecar at 9:00.
- Sounds good.
- I...
Oh, uh, wait a second.
Hey, I'm on the phone!
- Who is this?
- Who do you think it is?
- Hello?
- Dad, I'm on the phone.
- Hang up the phone.
- Terry? Terry, how did you get on here?
- You have two phones.
- I do?
Okay. Jack, I am...
Dad, hang up the phone.
Why don't you just come in the
other room and talk to me?
Hang up the phone.
Jack, I am so sorry about that.
- It's okay. You...
- Hello?
- Jack?
- Okay, I'm just gonna...
- Terry?
- It's...
- Dad!
- Hello?
- Ugh, Jack.
- No, it's still me.
Hang up the phone!
Hey, hey, hey. What's the matter?
You got a face on your face.
There's this kid, and he cheated
off my test today at school.
- Did he pay you?
- No.
- Did you smack him in the mouth?
- No.
- What did you do to this kid?
- I didn't really do anything.
I didn't want to
cause any problems.
- Uh-huh.
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey, Terry.
- I didn't know you were home.
Anyway, I have to stop by
work and pick up my check.
Danny needs some new shoes. I need
you to take him to the store.
Doesn't sound like
something I'm doing.
I got a couple episodes of "Hart to
Hart" on tape, and Stefanie Powers...
Dad, help me out. Help
out your grandson.
- What's that?
- Your grandson.
I will, uh... I will
straighten Danny boy out.
You, though... You will bring me home
pizza from the place you work at.
I'm gonna be home late.
Why? What would be
delaying my food?
- I have a date.
- What?
Danny, it is just one date.
It doesn't mean anything.
- That's fine. Have fun.
- Nice.
- I happen to hate this guy.
- You don't even know him.
And you've never liked
anyone I've dated.
No, no, no, no, no. T-the
kid with the limp.
You gave him that limp.
You hit him with the car.
- Bumped him.
- I am a grown woman. Butt out.
I don't like this guy.
Sneakers.
I love you, Danny.
Father...
"Father!"
So? What do you think?
Darling, you look gorgeous.
Very sexy.
Does it say, "I want to sleep with you on
the first date but I don't do this often"?
Oh, wow, darling. How
long has it been?
- Was Bush still around?
- No. Obama.
You thought I meant
the president.
You are so cute.
You know...
I think I might like this guy.
Well, then sleep with him, darling.
Men love that.
So, the rules about waiting
and all that, they're gone?
Look, darling, the main
thing here is to be honest.
Honest. I can do that.
Yeah, well, unless he asks about your age
or the number of men you've slept with.
- Then you round down.
- Well, I've only been with two.
- Round up.
- Okay.
So, I guess you can say
that's why the Cannon
has been banned from Canada.
Typically, a very tolerant country.
But whatever. He sounds like fun.
- Kind of need to meet him.
- Uh, let me stop you right there.
You will not be meeting my dad.
Nothing against you.
He's been a little
overprotective since my divorce.
- Divorce?
- Let me stop you right there.
I am divorced, which is
why I live with my dad.
It's not something I hoped for, but at
least my son has a man in his life.
- Your son?
- Let me stop you right there.
Yes, I have a son. I got
pregnant when I was 20,
and I am telling you way
too much for a first date.
Look, I just want to be
totally honest with you.
Let me stop you right there.
Despite your apparent
inability to edit yourself
and some really sizeable baggage,
I really appreciate the honesty.
- Hmm.
- I also think you're really beautiful.
- Point for you.
- And if we're being honest,
I might have just a little
bit of baggage myself.
I may have quit my job one summer
and gone on the road following...
Coldplay.
- Check.
- Point for you.
Coldplay confessions aside, I'm
just a regular guy who really...
- Really likes you.
- Yeah?
And Jamiroquai.
- How those feel?
- Great. They're expensive.
- Not a problem.
- Look, here's what I want you to do.
Keep your head up,
be real confident,
and when I say go...
You walk out that door
with them on your feet.
What? You mean steal them?
I mean go. I don't want
you to get arrested.
Now let's go.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait.
Now.
Excuse me. Sir?
Hey. Hey, stop!
Just watch this.
See? You can beat any security
with a fork and a magnet.
Cannon, we shouldn't
have stolen those shoes.
What's the "we" crap?
"We"? No, you.
Yeah. Anyway, look...
The Chinamen people, they
make these for 3 cents.
The store sells them for what?
$100?
That's stealing, you know.
I mean, we're basically paying
3 cents under wholesale.
Magnet, fork... done. Right?
"Thanks, grandpa Cannon."
You're welcome, son.
Oh, you're welcome.
You're welcome.
- I guess this is good night.
- I wish it didn't have to end.
- Me neither.
- So, why did you bring me home?
I was being a gentleman.
Why did you let me?
Ugh. I'm new at this.
I would love to invite you in, but
my 73-year-old suitcase is inside.
Hmm.
- We could go someplace else.
- Yes, please.
No one's going nowhere! I'm
getting the hose! A pipe!
And now the night has ended.
- And a bag of nickels!
- I'm sorry, Jack.
- Terry, it is okay.
- I'm getting a bat!
- I'm not going anywhere.
- And a sword!
- And I'm not seeing anyone else.
- An AK-47!
- Things will happen.
- A bomb! I'm gonna blow your ass up!
- You look gorgeous.
- Thank you.
Get off my damn lawn!
What was that?
Were you sitting by the
door, spying on me?
Geez, Terry. When
did you get home?
Why don't you just drink
your vitamin milk
and go to bed at 8:00 like
all the other seniors?
Keep it off my perimeter. You
were un-holying my doorstep.
A mistake I won't make again.
- Hey, mom. How was your date?
- It was nice.
Hey, those sneaks look great.
How much were they?
Uh, not much. They... oh.
We got it... Th-three
cents under wholesale.
Uh, the... a big sale?
They were on a sale, so...
You know, I've got to
go do my homework.
- Is he okay?
- No. Obviously not.
Because you went on a
date with a loser.
- Oh.
- Whatever that guy is... little geek.
Obviously.
You know, you were so good
with those sneakers yesterday,
I think the team needs
a couple new bats.
- How am I gonna steal...
- No, no, no. Shh, shh, shh.
Piece of cake.
Cannon, I don't know
why we're doing this.
Shh, kid.
Hey, hey. What are you
looking at, wise guy?
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
The kid was born with Jimmy legs.
He ain't got no telethon.
So, you didn't sleep with Jack?
- No. I was Cannon-blocked.
- Oh.
But it could be a good thing. I
like him, so maybe I should wait.
Oh, no. No, darling.
You've waited long enough.
You need to get your leg over.
- Tonight?
- Tonight.
- Tonight.
- Tonight.
- Oh, yeah.
- Whoa. You're gonna sleep with Jack?
- How did you hear that?
- I'm standing right over there.
And besides, when you two talk, you
yell like a couple of magpies.
Why are you wearing
a fake mustache?
This is not a fake mustache.
I got so much teste coursing
through my man veins,
I grow these things overnight.
But listen to me... you
can't sleep with him.
- He's a bad guy.
- Oh, my God.
Coming from you, that
means less than nothing.
Okay. You can't go out tonight
'cause, uh... You're working.
- My shift just ended.
- Well, you got to cover for Billy.
- I had to fire him.
- What?
It's just not working out. We
all knew this day would come.
- You're not fired, Billy.
- Pack it up, Billy.
Look, I am going out with
Jack tonight, end of story.
It is not your business
or anyone else's.
Okay, then. You're fired.
No, she's not, Freddie Mercury.
Dang it.
Billy, what the hell are you doing?
Get to work.
I'm back!
Hey, hey, hey! Hang on!
I almost beaned you. What's
with that stupid mustache?
Oh, yeah. You like it?
No, it makes you look
like a bigger idiot.
- That's not true. It's pretty boss, right?
- Come here.
For like the Tom Selleck look,
it's pretty... not bad.
Ow! Ow!
Okay, that is what a non-manly
person would say right there.
Is Terry home? I got...
I got to talk to her.
No, she's not. Neither are you.
Hang on, hang on,
hang on, hang on!
She's dating a bad guy, okay? She's
about to make a huge mistake.
- Why are you telling me this?
- Because I should.
She's gonna get hurt, and
she deserves better, so...
If you're lying to me for any
stupid reason, I will end you.
Okay, that's a bit extreme,
but I'm not lying.
- I swear.
- I mean, I just can't go tell her,
- "This guy's bad news."
- Right.
And in her head, you know, she
thinks I'm an over-reactionary.
- Imagine that.
- I guess I got to get some proof.
Well, do it quick because tonight's
"The Night," if you know what I mean.
You did good telling me.
And the next time I feel like bashing
in your face, I'm not gonna do it.
Deal.
- You want to walk through this way?
- I don't. This is fine. See ya.
Thanks again for dinner.
Second date in the books.
- Ooh! Comfy room.
- I thought it would be romantic.
Just so you know, the last time I did
this, there were only two positions.
- Has that changed?
- Yeah. Internet's opened up everything.
Not everything.
- Noted.
- Hmm.
Mm.
Hunter?
Coach Terry, my parents never showed
up to get me from the library.
They're not answering
their cellphones, either.
Something's wrong. You
have to come get me.
There are strangers anywhere.
What?
It says "everywhere." Say it,
or you don't get the money.
I mean...
There are strangers everywhere.
Please come get me.
- I'm scared.
- Okay.
A-all right. Just stay right there.
I'm on my way, okay?
That's what I'm talking about.
Let's hit the library.
That was fun.
So, I just had to pick up Hunter because
someone left him outside the library.
These parents... all busy with
their audiobooks and gay weddings.
So, you wouldn't know
anything about that?
How was your night?
We're going out again.
This ain't over, old man.
No, it ain't, Junior.
Mr. Cannon?
Why you tell us to go to batting
cage and now we in car?
Each of you has a
particular set of skills...
None of which is baseball.
Dong, you handle the video because
your people love cameras.
- Fat kid, you obviously have lunch.
- Check.
Gingers, if things go bad
here, you're the patsies.
- What's a patsy?
- What's a patsy?
Perfect.
Hey! Hey! Dong!
Sorry, Mr. the Cannon.
Go fast! Again! Again!
Again! Again!
All right, caught
him in the act.
That looks like three keys
of prime-grade horse to me.
- Just like "The Wire."
- Yeah...
Didn't I tell you not
to eat in the damn car?
- You said a bad word!
- You want to hear bad words?
Two twins got left by the
side of the road. Focus!
Dong, you getting this?
- Whoa. Cannon, what is that?
- Um... Exhibit "A."
It's really none
of your concern.
Hey, how come you didn't take me to the
batting cages with the other kids?
You're not an idiot.
How did school go?
- We got our tests back.
- And...?
- I got 100.
- All right.
What did that kid that cheated from you...
What did he get?
100.
- Made you feel like crap, huh?
- Kind of.
- "Kind of"?
- Yeah. Kind of.
- "Kind of"?
- Uh...
Not good enough. Go put
your sweatshirt on.
What are you looking at?
Do I know you?
Well, I'd like to
introduce you to, uh,
Helen Hunt and Paul Reiser.
Now you better get out of here
before we get Mad about You.
Go. Get out of here.
- Come on, kid. We're leaving.
- No. Cannon, I can't do this.
I'm done with it. I can't sleep. And
I'm having a nervous breakdown.
- I haven't pooped in days.
- I said we're leaving.
- No, we're not.
- You saying no to me?
I'm saying no. No more stealing.
None. Unh-unh.
That's great. See? That's great. You're
finally standing up for yourself.
That's what you should have did with
that kid that was cheating off of you.
This whole crime spree, this was
just you teaching me a lesson?
Yeah. You can't let anybody
take advantage of you.
We're Gannons, man.
We're leaders.
If anybody's gonna take
advantage of anybody, it is us.
You could have
just told me that.
Yeah, I mean, I could
tell you a lot of things,
but until you look it in the
eye and wash its back...
I don't know what that means!
So end of the lesson.
Come on. Hurry up.
Cleanup in aisle 12!
Janitorial services to aisle 10.
- 12!
- A-aisle 12.
- You ready to go, beautiful?
- Just after I change, hot stuff.
Scratch that.
What about "babe"? Does
"babe" sound weird?
- Not coming out of your mouth.
- Oh, yeah.
Very good, Jack. Very good.
Hey, I want to introduce
you to the Cannon,
A.K.A. The Cannon.
I'm gonna introduce you
to a world of pain.
- Yeah, get him! Get him!
- Dad, stop! Stop!
You think I'm gonna let you
You disrespect my daughter?
You think I'm gonna let you take
advantage of her, you piece of garbage?
- What are you talking about?
- He's a lowlife. Here.
- Let me show you.
- Yeah.
- I got this.
- I got him good. There he is.
There he is, with a
bunch of druggies.
You followed him around
with a video camera?
- What is wrong with you?
- You want to explain this, Flyboy?
I'm hanging out with those guys 'cause
I'm going to a meeting with them.
I'm in recovery. Five
years clean this week.
You're a quitter.
Here... I got it on good authority
that this package had drugs in it.
- What authority?
- The fat kid. Just like "The Wire."
You mean the game console I
bought off of Craigslist
because Terry mentioned
Danny wanted one?
You're so sweet. Sweet, my ass.
Here's the "piece of resistance,"
the "coop de grass." Hmm?
I thought it would be romantic.
Who is the bimbo you're playin' headboard
hockey with in it, tell me, who?
Dad, that'me.
Are you happy now?
No, no. No, I'm not.
Look...
I seen you, you
know, unhappy once.
I just didn't want to see
it happen again, okay?
I know. And I appreciate you
looking out for me, but...
I don't need your protection.
In case you hadn't noticed,
I am your daughter.
I can handle myself.
- It was his fault.
- Not true.
- It was his fault.
- Not true.
And the face-bashing
deal is off.
- We had a deal.
- There is no deal.
- You can't take that back.
- I'm gonna get you, man.
The face-bashing deal is off. Just get.
I'll show you a deal.
Wow... you are amazingly well-adjusted,
considering you have him for a father.
I never want to see your
sorry ass again, Jack.
I can't believe I
almost slept with you.
That was not me on that video.
I was never in room 625.
- Then why did you tell your dad it was?
- 'Cause I didn't want to let him win.
But he's right. You're
a bad guy and a liar.
This is dating. And I
never lied to you.
Yeah, actually, you did lie. You
said you weren't seeing anyone else.
I'm not seeing her. We're
just having fun, you know?
Like you and me.
- "Having fun"...?
- Well...
Ha. Right.
You know...
The 19-year-old me would
have slept with you anyway.
And the 25-year-old me would
have ignored the signs
that you were sleeping
with other women.
But I've already done all that.
So now, the 32-year-old
me is just gonna do this.
Ohh!
I'm a Gannon.
No one takes advantage
of me anymore.
And I'm taking this.
I'd like to return these.
I stole them the other day,
and I feel terrible about it.
That stuff isn't stolen.
What are you talking about?
You're the Cannon's
grandson, right?
Before you came in,
he paid for all this.
He told me he was, uh,
teaching you a lesson.
He's a maniac...
But if you still want to return them,
I can give you cash or store credit.
Cash.
And here endeth the lesson.
No, no, no.
Ginger one... come on.
Right down third base.
You can do it.
Angel, bunt. Do something.
I don't care.
Excellent.
Finally, I'm done.
We can go home now.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
No. Hold up.
We are going around again.
We're batting around again.
Cannon, we've been doing batting
practice for two hours.
Right. I have a blister,
and it's affecting my
"around the world" snap.
Well, here's to your
"around the world" snap.
We're all gonna bat again until one
of you hit it out of the infield.
Hit the outfield grass,
just one of you.
Every other team in the league is
playing nine guys in the infield.
They're taking advantage
of your weakness.
Well, it's not gonna be long
before they just go to your
dugout and steal your women.
- What women?
- My point exactly. Now let's go!
Batter up. Top of the
order, whoever that is.
Hey, Junior!
You want to join us
over here or what?
I'm busy!
♪ Standing over there,
wagging your hair ♪
♪ There's something
that you do ♪
♪ Long and lean, a
rock-'n'-roll machine ♪
♪ I just want to get with you
That ass is so hard, you could
crack other hard asses off it.
Crack, crack.
Yeah, but he's really
more my speed.
Oh, really?
♪ You make me hot
- Okay.
- Hmm.
His name is Jack. He's our
liquor rep at the pizza place.
Well, everyone needs a
slump Buster now and then.
Who am I to judge?
Yeah, he's really channeling a whole
Beastie Boys "sabotage" thing.
And I like it.
I'm feeling something
about this guy.
Hmm.
- I think you should ask him out.
- Oh, wow.
I haven't asked out a guy since
I got pregnant and said,
"Hey, maybe we should
go out and talk."
Come on, darling. Ask him out.
With a mustache like that,
he's bound to be
bringing the thunder.
Oh, I want to, Lulu.
But I don't know.
Just not ready.
Well, if not you, me and
the ladies are going in.
Hmm? Mm-hmm.
♪ You make me hot
♪ You make me hot
♪ You make me hot
Oh, hey, Terry. Jack, you know Terry.
Terry's poor.
- Dick gets his hair highlighted.
- Terry's poor.
- Dick's afraid of bees.
- Well, you know what?
Nothing that small should be
imbued with that much power.
Jack, can I... Talk to you?
- Sure.
- Not... Here.
I have a... Um...
Bathroom question.
Front to back, Terry.
Always front to back.
Dick wears spanx and tries to
pass them off as bicycle shorts.
No, he doesn't, actually. That's a lie.
Where you guys going?
So, uh, Jack, I've
been watchingng you
at the pizza place, and
I think you're nice.
And I think I'm nice. And I
think we'd be nice together.
Do you like food? I like food.
Of course you like food.
You'd die without food.
I'm... Dying right now.
- Do you want to have dinner sometime?
- How about tonight?
- Okay.
- Okay.
- I will call you later.
- Sounds good.
Call who later? Ugh.
Who the hell was that?
None of your damn business.
- Why aren't you with the kids?
- Oh, yeah, about that.
- How many did we start off with today?
- 12.
So, not 8?
- We switched uniforms!
- We switched uniforms!
Hmm.
♪ I'm back
Season 1, Episode 5 "She. Could.
Go. All. The. Way!"
♪ I'm back
Great, Jack. So, I will see
you at sidecar at 9:00.
- Sounds good.
- I...
Oh, uh, wait a second.
Hey, I'm on the phone!
- Who is this?
- Who do you think it is?
- Hello?
- Dad, I'm on the phone.
- Hang up the phone.
- Terry? Terry, how did you get on here?
- You have two phones.
- I do?
Okay. Jack, I am...
Dad, hang up the phone.
Why don't you just come in the
other room and talk to me?
Hang up the phone.
Jack, I am so sorry about that.
- It's okay. You...
- Hello?
- Jack?
- Okay, I'm just gonna...
- Terry?
- It's...
- Dad!
- Hello?
- Ugh, Jack.
- No, it's still me.
Hang up the phone!
Hey, hey, hey. What's the matter?
You got a face on your face.
There's this kid, and he cheated
off my test today at school.
- Did he pay you?
- No.
- Did you smack him in the mouth?
- No.
- What did you do to this kid?
- I didn't really do anything.
I didn't want to
cause any problems.
- Uh-huh.
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey, Terry.
- I didn't know you were home.
Anyway, I have to stop by
work and pick up my check.
Danny needs some new shoes. I need
you to take him to the store.
Doesn't sound like
something I'm doing.
I got a couple episodes of "Hart to
Hart" on tape, and Stefanie Powers...
Dad, help me out. Help
out your grandson.
- What's that?
- Your grandson.
I will, uh... I will
straighten Danny boy out.
You, though... You will bring me home
pizza from the place you work at.
I'm gonna be home late.
Why? What would be
delaying my food?
- I have a date.
- What?
Danny, it is just one date.
It doesn't mean anything.
- That's fine. Have fun.
- Nice.
- I happen to hate this guy.
- You don't even know him.
And you've never liked
anyone I've dated.
No, no, no, no, no. T-the
kid with the limp.
You gave him that limp.
You hit him with the car.
- Bumped him.
- I am a grown woman. Butt out.
I don't like this guy.
Sneakers.
I love you, Danny.
Father...
"Father!"
So? What do you think?
Darling, you look gorgeous.
Very sexy.
Does it say, "I want to sleep with you on
the first date but I don't do this often"?
Oh, wow, darling. How
long has it been?
- Was Bush still around?
- No. Obama.
You thought I meant
the president.
You are so cute.
You know...
I think I might like this guy.
Well, then sleep with him, darling.
Men love that.
So, the rules about waiting
and all that, they're gone?
Look, darling, the main
thing here is to be honest.
Honest. I can do that.
Yeah, well, unless he asks about your age
or the number of men you've slept with.
- Then you round down.
- Well, I've only been with two.
- Round up.
- Okay.
So, I guess you can say
that's why the Cannon
has been banned from Canada.
Typically, a very tolerant country.
But whatever. He sounds like fun.
- Kind of need to meet him.
- Uh, let me stop you right there.
You will not be meeting my dad.
Nothing against you.
He's been a little
overprotective since my divorce.
- Divorce?
- Let me stop you right there.
I am divorced, which is
why I live with my dad.
It's not something I hoped for, but at
least my son has a man in his life.
- Your son?
- Let me stop you right there.
Yes, I have a son. I got
pregnant when I was 20,
and I am telling you way
too much for a first date.
Look, I just want to be
totally honest with you.
Let me stop you right there.
Despite your apparent
inability to edit yourself
and some really sizeable baggage,
I really appreciate the honesty.
- Hmm.
- I also think you're really beautiful.
- Point for you.
- And if we're being honest,
I might have just a little
bit of baggage myself.
I may have quit my job one summer
and gone on the road following...
Coldplay.
- Check.
- Point for you.
Coldplay confessions aside, I'm
just a regular guy who really...
- Really likes you.
- Yeah?
And Jamiroquai.
- How those feel?
- Great. They're expensive.
- Not a problem.
- Look, here's what I want you to do.
Keep your head up,
be real confident,
and when I say go...
You walk out that door
with them on your feet.
What? You mean steal them?
I mean go. I don't want
you to get arrested.
Now let's go.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait.
Now.
Excuse me. Sir?
Hey. Hey, stop!
Just watch this.
See? You can beat any security
with a fork and a magnet.
Cannon, we shouldn't
have stolen those shoes.
What's the "we" crap?
"We"? No, you.
Yeah. Anyway, look...
The Chinamen people, they
make these for 3 cents.
The store sells them for what?
$100?
That's stealing, you know.
I mean, we're basically paying
3 cents under wholesale.
Magnet, fork... done. Right?
"Thanks, grandpa Cannon."
You're welcome, son.
Oh, you're welcome.
You're welcome.
- I guess this is good night.
- I wish it didn't have to end.
- Me neither.
- So, why did you bring me home?
I was being a gentleman.
Why did you let me?
Ugh. I'm new at this.
I would love to invite you in, but
my 73-year-old suitcase is inside.
Hmm.
- We could go someplace else.
- Yes, please.
No one's going nowhere! I'm
getting the hose! A pipe!
And now the night has ended.
- And a bag of nickels!
- I'm sorry, Jack.
- Terry, it is okay.
- I'm getting a bat!
- I'm not going anywhere.
- And a sword!
- And I'm not seeing anyone else.
- An AK-47!
- Things will happen.
- A bomb! I'm gonna blow your ass up!
- You look gorgeous.
- Thank you.
Get off my damn lawn!
What was that?
Were you sitting by the
door, spying on me?
Geez, Terry. When
did you get home?
Why don't you just drink
your vitamin milk
and go to bed at 8:00 like
all the other seniors?
Keep it off my perimeter. You
were un-holying my doorstep.
A mistake I won't make again.
- Hey, mom. How was your date?
- It was nice.
Hey, those sneaks look great.
How much were they?
Uh, not much. They... oh.
We got it... Th-three
cents under wholesale.
Uh, the... a big sale?
They were on a sale, so...
You know, I've got to
go do my homework.
- Is he okay?
- No. Obviously not.
Because you went on a
date with a loser.
- Oh.
- Whatever that guy is... little geek.
Obviously.
You know, you were so good
with those sneakers yesterday,
I think the team needs
a couple new bats.
- How am I gonna steal...
- No, no, no. Shh, shh, shh.
Piece of cake.
Cannon, I don't know
why we're doing this.
Shh, kid.
Hey, hey. What are you
looking at, wise guy?
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
The kid was born with Jimmy legs.
He ain't got no telethon.
So, you didn't sleep with Jack?
- No. I was Cannon-blocked.
- Oh.
But it could be a good thing. I
like him, so maybe I should wait.
Oh, no. No, darling.
You've waited long enough.
You need to get your leg over.
- Tonight?
- Tonight.
- Tonight.
- Tonight.
- Oh, yeah.
- Whoa. You're gonna sleep with Jack?
- How did you hear that?
- I'm standing right over there.
And besides, when you two talk, you
yell like a couple of magpies.
Why are you wearing
a fake mustache?
This is not a fake mustache.
I got so much teste coursing
through my man veins,
I grow these things overnight.
But listen to me... you
can't sleep with him.
- He's a bad guy.
- Oh, my God.
Coming from you, that
means less than nothing.
Okay. You can't go out tonight
'cause, uh... You're working.
- My shift just ended.
- Well, you got to cover for Billy.
- I had to fire him.
- What?
It's just not working out. We
all knew this day would come.
- You're not fired, Billy.
- Pack it up, Billy.
Look, I am going out with
Jack tonight, end of story.
It is not your business
or anyone else's.
Okay, then. You're fired.
No, she's not, Freddie Mercury.
Dang it.
Billy, what the hell are you doing?
Get to work.
I'm back!
Hey, hey, hey! Hang on!
I almost beaned you. What's
with that stupid mustache?
Oh, yeah. You like it?
No, it makes you look
like a bigger idiot.
- That's not true. It's pretty boss, right?
- Come here.
For like the Tom Selleck look,
it's pretty... not bad.
Ow! Ow!
Okay, that is what a non-manly
person would say right there.
Is Terry home? I got...
I got to talk to her.
No, she's not. Neither are you.
Hang on, hang on,
hang on, hang on!
She's dating a bad guy, okay? She's
about to make a huge mistake.
- Why are you telling me this?
- Because I should.
She's gonna get hurt, and
she deserves better, so...
If you're lying to me for any
stupid reason, I will end you.
Okay, that's a bit extreme,
but I'm not lying.
- I swear.
- I mean, I just can't go tell her,
- "This guy's bad news."
- Right.
And in her head, you know, she
thinks I'm an over-reactionary.
- Imagine that.
- I guess I got to get some proof.
Well, do it quick because tonight's
"The Night," if you know what I mean.
You did good telling me.
And the next time I feel like bashing
in your face, I'm not gonna do it.
Deal.
- You want to walk through this way?
- I don't. This is fine. See ya.
Thanks again for dinner.
Second date in the books.
- Ooh! Comfy room.
- I thought it would be romantic.
Just so you know, the last time I did
this, there were only two positions.
- Has that changed?
- Yeah. Internet's opened up everything.
Not everything.
- Noted.
- Hmm.
Mm.
Hunter?
Coach Terry, my parents never showed
up to get me from the library.
They're not answering
their cellphones, either.
Something's wrong. You
have to come get me.
There are strangers anywhere.
What?
It says "everywhere." Say it,
or you don't get the money.
I mean...
There are strangers everywhere.
Please come get me.
- I'm scared.
- Okay.
A-all right. Just stay right there.
I'm on my way, okay?
That's what I'm talking about.
Let's hit the library.
That was fun.
So, I just had to pick up Hunter because
someone left him outside the library.
These parents... all busy with
their audiobooks and gay weddings.
So, you wouldn't know
anything about that?
How was your night?
We're going out again.
This ain't over, old man.
No, it ain't, Junior.
Mr. Cannon?
Why you tell us to go to batting
cage and now we in car?
Each of you has a
particular set of skills...
None of which is baseball.
Dong, you handle the video because
your people love cameras.
- Fat kid, you obviously have lunch.
- Check.
Gingers, if things go bad
here, you're the patsies.
- What's a patsy?
- What's a patsy?
Perfect.
Hey! Hey! Dong!
Sorry, Mr. the Cannon.
Go fast! Again! Again!
Again! Again!
All right, caught
him in the act.
That looks like three keys
of prime-grade horse to me.
- Just like "The Wire."
- Yeah...
Didn't I tell you not
to eat in the damn car?
- You said a bad word!
- You want to hear bad words?
Two twins got left by the
side of the road. Focus!
Dong, you getting this?
- Whoa. Cannon, what is that?
- Um... Exhibit "A."
It's really none
of your concern.
Hey, how come you didn't take me to the
batting cages with the other kids?
You're not an idiot.
How did school go?
- We got our tests back.
- And...?
- I got 100.
- All right.
What did that kid that cheated from you...
What did he get?
100.
- Made you feel like crap, huh?
- Kind of.
- "Kind of"?
- Yeah. Kind of.
- "Kind of"?
- Uh...
Not good enough. Go put
your sweatshirt on.
What are you looking at?
Do I know you?
Well, I'd like to
introduce you to, uh,
Helen Hunt and Paul Reiser.
Now you better get out of here
before we get Mad about You.
Go. Get out of here.
- Come on, kid. We're leaving.
- No. Cannon, I can't do this.
I'm done with it. I can't sleep. And
I'm having a nervous breakdown.
- I haven't pooped in days.
- I said we're leaving.
- No, we're not.
- You saying no to me?
I'm saying no. No more stealing.
None. Unh-unh.
That's great. See? That's great. You're
finally standing up for yourself.
That's what you should have did with
that kid that was cheating off of you.
This whole crime spree, this was
just you teaching me a lesson?
Yeah. You can't let anybody
take advantage of you.
We're Gannons, man.
We're leaders.
If anybody's gonna take
advantage of anybody, it is us.
You could have
just told me that.
Yeah, I mean, I could
tell you a lot of things,
but until you look it in the
eye and wash its back...
I don't know what that means!
So end of the lesson.
Come on. Hurry up.
Cleanup in aisle 12!
Janitorial services to aisle 10.
- 12!
- A-aisle 12.
- You ready to go, beautiful?
- Just after I change, hot stuff.
Scratch that.
What about "babe"? Does
"babe" sound weird?
- Not coming out of your mouth.
- Oh, yeah.
Very good, Jack. Very good.
Hey, I want to introduce
you to the Cannon,
A.K.A. The Cannon.
I'm gonna introduce you
to a world of pain.
- Yeah, get him! Get him!
- Dad, stop! Stop!
You think I'm gonna let you
You disrespect my daughter?
You think I'm gonna let you take
advantage of her, you piece of garbage?
- What are you talking about?
- He's a lowlife. Here.
- Let me show you.
- Yeah.
- I got this.
- I got him good. There he is.
There he is, with a
bunch of druggies.
You followed him around
with a video camera?
- What is wrong with you?
- You want to explain this, Flyboy?
I'm hanging out with those guys 'cause
I'm going to a meeting with them.
I'm in recovery. Five
years clean this week.
You're a quitter.
Here... I got it on good authority
that this package had drugs in it.
- What authority?
- The fat kid. Just like "The Wire."
You mean the game console I
bought off of Craigslist
because Terry mentioned
Danny wanted one?
You're so sweet. Sweet, my ass.
Here's the "piece of resistance,"
the "coop de grass." Hmm?
I thought it would be romantic.
Who is the bimbo you're playin' headboard
hockey with in it, tell me, who?
Dad, that'me.
Are you happy now?
No, no. No, I'm not.
Look...
I seen you, you
know, unhappy once.
I just didn't want to see
it happen again, okay?
I know. And I appreciate you
looking out for me, but...
I don't need your protection.
In case you hadn't noticed,
I am your daughter.
I can handle myself.
- It was his fault.
- Not true.
- It was his fault.
- Not true.
And the face-bashing
deal is off.
- We had a deal.
- There is no deal.
- You can't take that back.
- I'm gonna get you, man.
The face-bashing deal is off. Just get.
I'll show you a deal.
Wow... you are amazingly well-adjusted,
considering you have him for a father.
I never want to see your
sorry ass again, Jack.
I can't believe I
almost slept with you.
That was not me on that video.
I was never in room 625.
- Then why did you tell your dad it was?
- 'Cause I didn't want to let him win.
But he's right. You're
a bad guy and a liar.
This is dating. And I
never lied to you.
Yeah, actually, you did lie. You
said you weren't seeing anyone else.
I'm not seeing her. We're
just having fun, you know?
Like you and me.
- "Having fun"...?
- Well...
Ha. Right.
You know...
The 19-year-old me would
have slept with you anyway.
And the 25-year-old me would
have ignored the signs
that you were sleeping
with other women.
But I've already done all that.
So now, the 32-year-old
me is just gonna do this.
Ohh!
I'm a Gannon.
No one takes advantage
of me anymore.
And I'm taking this.
I'd like to return these.
I stole them the other day,
and I feel terrible about it.
That stuff isn't stolen.
What are you talking about?
You're the Cannon's
grandson, right?
Before you came in,
he paid for all this.
He told me he was, uh,
teaching you a lesson.
He's a maniac...
But if you still want to return them,
I can give you cash or store credit.
Cash.
And here endeth the lesson.