Back in the Game (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 13 - Who's on First - full transcript

Okay, whose epically
bad idea was it

for you to have carpool duty?

Your mother's.

She had to work this
morning, so I'm here.

I don't even know
what I'm doing here.

Do I get a gun? No!

Well, I mean, a taser
would be fine.

All you have to do
is open the car door

and help the kids out
with their stuff.

Help the kids out?

I mean, if they were
legless vets, fine,



but these sticky little twerps...
i mean...

Just be helpful.

It's pathetic, okay?

Morning.

Bye, daddy. Love you!

Welcome to hell, kid.

Geez.

Got a lot of books in here.

You don't look that smart.

Open the door.

Open... The door!

Unlock it!

You know, you could be the
ugliest kid I've ever seen.

Go away.



Open the door. Just open it.

I'm here to help you!

Respect this reflective vest!
What is the matter with you?!

Open the door!

What, are you a moron?!
Go! Get out of here!

Go to another school!

Excuse me. What
are you drinking?

Breakfast beer.

Alcoholic beverages are not
allowed on school property.

Feisty. Who is that?

That's miss Crosby... A.K.A.
"The eviscerator."

She's a wrestler?

No. What?

She's the strictest,
meanest teacher

you could ever meet.

Sounds like a real wildcat.

♪ I'm back

♪ I'm back

welcome to my humble abode.

Oh, I can't believe we've
never actually been here.

Loving the kitsch thing.
By choice. Mm, yes.

It's like living in a swap meet.

Where's Danny?

Oh, he's in his room...
uh, back corner.

Bye, mom. Okay.

Hmm.

This house is making
me crave casserole

for some strange reason,
which is very odd

because I haven't
the slightest idea

what "casserole" actually is.

So, what is this massively
important thing

you have to tell me?

I'm in love.

Say what?

Mm-hmm.

Her pupils turned
all heart-shaped.

This is a disaster.

Why? I mean, isn't your mom
falling in love a good thing?

Not if you're me. We're
the perfect pair.

She's the Bernie taupin
to my Elton John.

Who? See?

This is what I'm worried about.

My mom is the only
one that gets me.

I've never felt like this before...
ever.

I mean, I-I'm pretty
sure he's my soul mate.

And when we finally
meet, I know...

whoa, whoa, whoa. You
haven't even met?

Oh, no. No, darling, no.

I-I just froze as
soon as I saw him.

My heart stopped.
I couldn't move.

I couldn't speak.

And then... then...

Then I had a moment
of self-reflection.

You? Mm.

I mean... Of course you did.

But the period of mourning
my first husband is over.

Time to stop burying my grief
in a series of random men.

That was mourning?

Oh, sure. Yes, darling.
It's a British thing.

But it stops now. No.

Time to get serious, and time
for a real relationship.

And I'm telling you...
this one...

This one is second-husband
material for sure.

Ohhh!

Lulu, I am so happy for you.

And I am going to help
you in any way I can.

Thank you.

Well, maybe she's just
dating, all right?

My mom dates. It's no big deal.

Dating is one thing. I
can deal with dating.

But this Patrick guy...

I think my mom has
fallen hard for him.

Why is that so bad?

Because when our
moms are in love,

that's where all their
attention goes.

We just disappear.

They don't mean it, but
that's what happens.

I don't know about you,

but I like my family
just the way it is.

Yeah.

We have to make sure
this doesn't happen.

I will help any way I can.

Cannon?

Yep.

Are you worried that mom's gonna

fall in love with someone
and get married again?

No. No chance.

Usually, people look at me

and they realize it's not
worth losing a finger.

Good.

'cause, I mean, this, what
we've got going on...

it's awesome.

Just the three of us, you know?
Tight family.

Got everything we need.

Couldn't agree with you
any more, Danny boy.

I got it.

Touch the door, you're dead.

Oh.

Gorgeous.

What?!

Geena, would you
do me a big favor?

Would you wait at
the car for sec?

I just want to say
good night to the kid.

Okay. Thanks a lot.

Cannon, what are you doing?

That is my teacher. You
can't go out with her.

It's... it's unnatural.

First of all, she asked me out.

It was like the fish
jumped into my bowl.

What do you want me
to do, throw it back?

Yes! Especially if the
fish is my teacher...

my crazy teacher, Cannon!

What did you want me to do...
she was wearing them stockings

with that black thing
running right up the back.

You know what I'm saying?

Just relax... it's
just one of those

"where you from?
Who do you know?"

Kind of coffee dates, okay?

Take it easy.

This is bad. This is very bad.

Excuse me.

Do you know where I can register

to set up a booth
for sports day?

Yeah.

Uh, it's... it's
right over there.

Thanks. Mm-hmm.

Whew.

Hi. Hi.

I just met the cutest guy.

Okay, Terry, me first.

My soul mate... he's here.

Oh! Where is he?

He's over there. Oh.

Oh, isn't he perfect?

Yepper. Super-perfect.

Okay, so, where's your guy?

Hmm? Oh! Um... That was, uh...

That was... that was...
that was nothing.

You know what? Back to you.

Okay.

I am not freezing this time.

Watch my trip move in action.

What's that?

Well, I trip, I
fall into his arms,

the cleavage takes over.

Never fails.

Oh.

Down goes Lulu.

Oh, come on!

He had both feet in!

No, his left foot was out.

Hello again.

Hey.

I just want the cowboys to lose.

Yeah, so you can sneak
into that wildcard spot

with a higher conference
win/loss percentage.

Look at you, dropping
the sports knowledge.

Oh, well, my father
raised me on sports.

What can you do?

I'm Terry. Patrick.

So, what brings you
to town, Patrick?

I'm divorced.

I wanted a change of scenery,
so I opened my practice here.

I'm a pediatrician.

Really? Wow. 'Cause...
this is so weird.

Um, my friend Lulu is
looking for a pediatrician.

How old is your friend Lulu?

Uh, it's for her son. He's 12.

Well... Here's my card.

Tell her to give me a call.

I will.

Uh, uh, did I, uh, notice

a-a "centipede"
game in the corner?

Ohh. Walk away while
you can, doc.

I am unbeatable.

Let me get this straight...
you love football

and the second-greatest
video game ever invented,

next to "Asteroids."
Next to "Asteroids."

Well, I got to take off.

Wait... don't you work here?

Yep.

So I'll stay.

And I'll take off.

- You good?
- Yeah.

See ya, Terry.

Bye.

Hope I see you at sports day.

Yeah.

I'm assuming, because I coach,

that, uh, teaching
is quite rewarding.

I mean, it would be great
if it wasn't for the kids.

That's what I thought
about parenting.

Excuse me. What is this?

W-w-what's with the
waterworks here?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
It's nothing.

It's just... huh?

It's just I'm... I'm going
through menopause and...

No talking about
that at dinner...

or, you know, anyplace
else, for that matter.

It's... it's just that I'll
never have children of my own.

Uh, that... that
would be a fact.

But listen... you said, uh,
you hated children anyway.

W-w-w-what... what... what...
what are you talking about?

Who could hate a child?

You clearly just said...

I love a man with fire.

Oh. It's one of those.

Huh? One of what?

No wonder you ordered
a big steak.

There's two of you.

Ooh, I like you, Cannon.
You are funny.

Oh, no, no, no. Thank you.

Hey, have you talked
to Michael today?

Only like seven times.

Has he... Mentioned anything
going on at his house?

You know, is Lulu still having
those feelings for that guy?

Oh, you mean Patrick?
Is that his name?

Yeah, and Mike was kind
of freaking out about it.

He'll be fine.

What I'm getting at is Lulu.

She's, uh... She's pretty
driven love-wise, isn't she?

Yeah, that's what Michael said.

She's pretty crazy about him.

That's sweet.

Mom, you gonna play or what?

Hmm? Yeah. Sure.

So, if not talking about
him at all is a zero

and talking about Patrick
nonstop is a 10,

would you say Lulu
is at a solid... 8?

Mom, why all the questions?

W-wait.

You like him, don't you?

What?!

No! No.

I'm just making small talk
while we play video games.

Uh-huh.

Right.

His name is Patrick Wilson.
Mm-hmm.

He is from Chicago.

His favorite game
is "Asteroids."

Mm.

And... He's a pediatrician.

Oh! You had me at
"pediatrician." Mm.

Oh, and he's a bears fan.

Oh. My dead husband
was into bears.

Their names were Tony and Marco.

Talking about the
football team, Lulu.

Oh! And that's the game
with the tight pants.

Ohh. Yes.

We've got some bad news
about this Patrick guy.

If that's even his real name.

What are you talking about?

He's a con man, a shady drifter,

and a real player.

He preys off single
moms, like you...

leaves them penniless
and heartbroken.

And we're pretty sure
he's a serial killer

known as the westlake strangler.

What are you guys doing?

Nothing.

We are just two sons worried
about our mothers' safety.

Really? Are you two jealous?

No!

He is.

I'm just helping this guy out.

Danny! You're so funny.
He's funny, isn't he?

Well, I do hope all
this bad-boy stuff

you guys are making up
is true, because...

Ooh, I love me a dangerous man.

Dang it!

Who's it from?

The eviscerator.

It's not ticking.

What do you say?
Here we go, huh?

Ah, geez.

"Geena & the Cannon forever."

This is not very good.

You think? I told you you
should not go out with her.

You're very smart.

No, I'll just have
a talk with her,

go somewhere... Public,

and, um... I'll let
her down easy.

And in a way she
won't punish me.

No, I-i-i can't
promise, you know?

I'll do my best.

But we have no idea what
we're dealing with here.

And that's you and me.

I-I painted the beard,
gave him a red hat,

and if you lift up his jacket,
he's got hair on his back.

That's very terrific.

Please tell me it
hasn't got a zipper.

Listen, um... We
really have to talk.

Yes, we do! We need to decide
where we're going to register.

How about bellevue?

Well, look, um... In my heart,

I really think you're
one of the nice...

a really wonderful,
wonderful la...

let me stop you right now.

I would be very careful choosing
my next words if I were you.

That spirited grandson
of yours is teetering

between an "A" and a
"B" this semester,

and... We wouldn't want
him to ruin his chances

for honor roll, now, would we?

Now give me a kiss.

No, not here.

Where?

How come you hot
ones are so crazy?

Talk about... Baseball.

Talk about anything
sports-related.

Right. He's a dude.

Well, there was that game...
the game was on yesterday.

Hi, ladies.

Oh, hi! Hello. Hi.

You look ready to dominate
the balloon toss.

Oh, absolutely.

Just like the Florida
manatees did

in yesterday's football parade.

"Game." She means "game."

Do I? Yes. Yes, you do.

Wow. Look at this guy.

We're totally screwed.

Such a poseur.

Where did he even
come from, anyways?

What's up, brah?

Did you just say... "Brah"?

Ignore him.

I would never do that.

Yeah, you can't turn your
back on family, Terry.

Wait.

He's your brah? Like,
your brah brah?

Well, we're half-brahs...
same ma...

Different pa.

I'm not wearing a "brah."

Oh, yah.

Sorry. Just wanted to get
in on your American fun.

You know, I think him
being dick's half-brother

has actually made him even
more attractive to me.

I mean, he could have
turned out like that,

but instead, he's... That.

I can't believe they're
from the same gene pool.

Mm.

I hope to be swimming in
at least half of that pool

by noon.

Oh, we are gonna get
you in the deep end...

not the shallow, vapid end.

Look, man, just 'cause
you're my half-brother

doesn't mean I'm gonna
take it easy on you.

I'm a pediatrician. Kids'
games are my forte.

Oh, I'm not worried. Look
how limber I've gotten.

Check this out.

Look at that.

And balloon toss... joom, joom!
Joom, joom, joom, joom!

I'm there... 24/7, all day.

You're still the strangest
person I've ever known.

I missed you, man.

I missed you, too, man.

But now... I got
to kick your ass.

Bring it, brah.

Oh, I will, brah.

All right, you didn't do so
well at the sports talk,

so let's dance with the
one that brought you.

Unbutton that blouse a little
and unleash the krakens.

Ohh, yes, darling.

I am much more comfortable
with that approach.

Perfect. Mm.

Hey, Patrick.

It, uh, looks like you could use

another person for your
balloon-toss team.

You know, you should pick Lulu.

She is everything you'd
want in a partner.

Oh!

See, that's Lulu's
psych-out move.

Yeah, she likes to
lull the other team

into a false sense of security.

How about it, Lulu? You
want to be on my team?

Yes.

I would love to
team up with you.

Awesome. I'll see you out there.

Okay.

You got him! You guys are
gonna be on the same team!

Oh, my gosh! It's like a date!

Nothing impresses a
man more than a woman

who can walk 50 yards
with an egg on a spoon.

Hmm. Now, open up.

Oh! My veneers!

Oh, Lulu, focus!

Wow. Your mom's actually
going through with this.

She must really like this guy.

On your mark, get set, go!

Run! No, no, no.

As soon as I move,
this is gonna fall.

I've got way too much
natural shimmy, darling.

You do it.

Your teeth are just...
What they are.

Now, go. Go, go, go! Go on!
Catch up! Go on, darling!

Where's the bar?

Hey, nice egg-work! Thanks.

Where's Lulu?

Oh, she had to bow out.

Yeah, she had to save a...
Cat...

From a dog... Over there.

Natural enemies.

You know, you'd think
by now, they would...

You get it. Okay.

So, I guess we're a team now.

Yeah.

Yeah, don't slow me down, doc.

Looks like your mom has
hearts in her eyes now.

Good news for me.

Hey, bud.

Cannon, what is
that on your face?

It's a monarch.

There were a couple of hot mamas

in the, uh, face-painting
booth over there.

Uh, uh, Cannon, look, you
should not be here, okay?

Miss Crosby... she's
running around.

She's gonna find you.

Actually, that's good, because
I'm here to talk to her.

I got to put an end
to this nonsense.

Okay, I'm sorry... i
cannot take you seriously

with this butterfly
on your face.

It's a monarch.

You ready to lose?

My dad was a lot stronger
than your dad, so we'll see.

Oh, you think so?

Doesn't matter. You're
going down, bro. Wrong!

We got this.

Oh, yeah. I'm small, but feisty.

I've noticed.

Pull! Pull!

No! No!

Mom, pull! Come on! Go!

Danny, I'd like a word with you.

Uh-oh. "Uh-oh" is right.

Make sure your grandfather knows

that if he breaks up with me,

you can expect a world of pain.

Every test you take,
every move you make,

I'll be failing you.

I'll be failing you.

Look, miss Crosby,

please just stay away from
my granddad, all right?

You two are not meant
to be together,

and there's no spark.

I am not getting any younger,

and I will not... will not...
spend my golden years by myself,

trying to find
happiness in ceramics.

Are we clear?

Hey. Here, take this.

Go ahead. Take it.
I paid for it.

Even if you two get together,

I don't think you'll have a
very healthy relationship.

I... Don't... Care!

What the heck?!

Where are you going?!

My kid!

Hey... teacher!

Leave that kid alone.

Danny, what's going on here?

Oh, she... she
threatened to fail me

if the Cannon doesn't
keep seeing her.

She's crazy, mom.

Check that.

All right, now, you
listen to me, fruitcake.

You get in my son's face again,

you're gonna have a
problem with me, okay?

'Cause as crazy as
you think you are,

you have not met the gannons.

She is right. We
out-crazy everyone.

I mean, my granddad has a
butterfly on his cheek.

Look at that.

It's a monarch.

Stay away from me,

and more importantly, stay
away from my grandson.

Yeah.

You so much as look
at him the wrong way,

I'm coming after you.

See it in the eyes? See it?

I will end you.

Now say you're sorry.

Say it!

I am... Terribly sorry.

Yes!

Guys, look, I was worried

that people would come
between us and our family,

but after that,

I'm positive that's not
gonna happen ever again.

I love you guys.

Aww. I love you, too, bud.

Come on, Patrick!
That's it, darling!

Pull! Pull!

Isn't he lovely, darling?
Look at him.

He is, mom.

I think you guys would
make a great couple.

Really? Mm-hmm.

Oh, thank you, darling.

Ohh.

Come on, Patrick, darling!
You've got this!

Come on, Patrick! Yank it!

Come on!

Come on! Go!

Aaaah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Nice job! Fun day.

It was a fun day.

It's good to have
you back, brah.

Hey, doc.

Walk with me.

Okay. What's on your mind?

You'll see.

Oh!

Oh! Well done, darling.

Well done, darling. Well done.

I'm gonna name it "Patrick."

Okay.

Hi, Terry.

Um, I just wanted to say

thank you so, so much for
bringing Patrick and I together.

You're a true friend, darling.

Oh, Lulu, you guys are gonna
be so happy together.

Yes, and I have a great idea.

I'd love to buy you
dinner tonight...

you know, just to say "thank
you" and to celebrate.

That sounds perfect.

Wonderful.

Well, I'll see you at
the sidecar at 8:00?

Great.

Great.

There you go, ma'am. Enjoy.

What are you doing here?

I was supposed to meet Lulu.

She told me the same thing.

So, what now?