Back (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript
This programme contains
very strong language
Morning.
Hi, Keith.
Sorry about Spurs.
Oh, don't rub it in, mate.
You're a masseur, so you can talk.
Ha, nice one.
See you at yoga?
Of course. When have I ever missed
yoga? Laters, potatoes.
Hm, back to the balaclava then,
Geoff?
Didn't you have lots of complaints
about it? Police coming around?
Police can fuck off.
I'm a farmer. Keeps my face warm.
Terrorists and sex offenders
have decimated
the balaclava industry, Mike.
They should hang their heads.
At the very least. Drink?
Lilt, please.
Sorry. Lilt.
Lilt? I just fancy a Lilt.
A nice Lilt.
Hm. There's some in the
kitchen fridge.
Hiya, when's young Stephen back.
F
é
It'll be good to have him back.
É
é
You been served, Geoff?
Mike's getting me a Lilt.
A Lilt?
Geoffjust fancied a nice Lilt.
JULIAN: Actually, all this talk
of Lilt. Do you want a Lilt, Julian?
No, I'm fine.
Oh, go on, then.
I'll have a Lilt.
Aw.
Lilt.
I forgot to say before you left for
the cash and carry. Urinal cakes.
Got them.
Oh, genius.
Course you have.
Lots of activity up the road,
Andrew.
New place is about to open.
How do you pronounce it?
%
I've been saying pube.
F
You don't want to reference colons
if you're serving food.
You know, the manager's upped and
left before they've even opened?
They need someone new, quick-smart.
Right.
Do they?
F
F
You'd fit in.
You're very modern.
I'm very happy here, Ellen.
No intention of being nabbed.
É
F
I'll take the urinal cakes through.
We got the Puh-ub menu through.
Oh, yes.
It's very cool, very minimalist.
Stove-warmed fish.
Leaves.
They sound nice.
Heritage pig head.
An egg.
Interesting.
Local curds.
ALL:
Fucking ball bags.
I liked it when it was the
Kings Arms.
Spit and sawdust place,
massive car park.
I don't know why it closed down.
Two people were stabbed to death
there, Geoff.
Now, get your facts straight.
They were stabbed
in the big car park,
but they actually died later
in hospital.
Less of the fake news.
F
Well, I guess Stephen again.
F
é
It is a tremendous degree of
progress you've made, Stephen.
It's like a journey, isn't it?
Oh, it is.
It's very like a journey.
Oh, you're absolutely right.
I say that all the time.
You do, Robbie.
All the time.
Brilliantly.
And, like alljourneys,
there'll be bumps in the road.
Uh, twist and turns.
T-junctions.
Roundabouts. Filter lanes.
You may proceed in the direction of
the green arrow when it,
or the full green light, shows.
I'm just quoting
the Highway Code now, but...
Oh, but, but that's what therapy is,
isn't it?
It's a kind of Highway Code to get
your mind back on the road.
I'm in here for my MOT! Yeah.
And you'll very soon be roadworthy.
We've addressed your drinking,
the uncertainty
over your biological father,
your feelings towards Andrew,
that car accident in Limoges...
I'm a very different guy from the
one who was forcibly encouraged
by his family
and the wider community
to become an inpatient here.
So, I think you're ready to go home.
Wow.
You've really helped me get my shit
together, Robbie.
There was a lot of disparate shit,
and now it's all in one place.
Under control.
Thank you.
Genuinely.
That fucking idiot thinks I'm cured,
the prick!
I think so too, actually, Stephen.
Well, maybe not cured,
but more yourself.
I'm just pretending. I'm still mad.
You don't seem to be...
That's the thing.
I'm so mad, I look normal.
Just a guy in a residential facility
being helped by a regime
of appropriate
medication and therapy.
What's suspicious about that?
Nothing.
It's genius.
MAD genius!
Maybe stop saying mad?
It's useful shorthand.
Well, if your therapist thinks
you're progressing...
Robbie knows nothing.
We disagreed a few weeks ago
over the correct plural form of
cup-a-soup.
He thinks it's CUP-a-soups.
It's quite clearly CUPS-a-soup!
A multiple number of cups of soup.
KNOCKS ON DOOR
Hi, Stephen. Hi, Cath.
Did you find your phone?
Would you believe, it was in my coat
pocket all the time?
No, I think you're lying.
Only joking!
I totally believe that it
was in your pocket.
Thanks.
There's nothing there.
Oh, I must have accidentally
swallowed them.
But, usually, I pretend.
Flush them away.
There'll be a lot of rats
in these sewers
with excellent serotonin levels.
What do you think Stephen will be
like when he comes back?
I'm hoping he's no longer at war
with himself.
I mean, what we have to do, all of
us, is support him fully.
The last thing we want is for
Stephen to get ill again.
You haven't been to see him at all.
He's only wanted to see Alison.
Not even mum, and she's the one
who's been paying for his stay.
It's weird, isn't it?
That he's the one who's been
having treatment
when I've always been the one with
so much mental complexity going on.
Stephen did get very ill, Cass.
I mean, he was paranoid, depressed,
anxious, obsessive, compulsive.
It's quite a cocktail.
Oh, and he was an alcoholic.
No, I know.
And it just bring sit home to me
how much stuff
I've been coping with, you know?
Silently.
You get very good at hiding your
massive complexity
behind a mask of
complete ordinariness.
How many layers are there to
an onion? No-one knows.
Science can't tell.
Let's hope one day they crack
that mystery.
Sorry, Andrew, could we have a word?
F
Mm. The, the tone, you know, because
like you say, he's vulnerable.
He's, you know...
So, do we act normally, or...?
F
Mm. But it's eggshells, isn't it?
You might say the wrong thing, or...
Yeah.
Obviously, we mustn't let him be
driven into mental collapse again.
I can't stress that enough.
So just chat normally to him.
Oh, sure. Normally! Good.
Try not to act at all odd or
awkward, you know?
Yes.
IN ACCENT: Can do there, sir, hey?
IN ACCENT:
Yeah...
Will you be wearing these shoes?
Not sure they'll fit me.
I haven't worn shoes since
I arrived here,
and my feet have become very soft
and wide. Really?
I've been in backless
slippers constantly.
My feet are almost as wide as
they are long.
Like veal escalopes.
Thanks, bye-bye. Bye.
Oh, Stephen. Good luck.
You got somewhere to stay?
Oh, uh, no, we, we aren't. Oh, no.
I mean, we were, but, uh...
I'll live with my mum for a bit and
then take stock.
Good. Well, get some rest and some
good food.
Wouldn't like to think of you back in that
awful caravan again, living off pot noodles.
Pots noodle.
Sorry? It's fine.
Come on, Stephen.
It's...it IS pots noodle.
Yes, all right, come on.
It's pot noodle cos... Stephen.
...the noodles have
become adjectival.
Noodles, noodle, pot.
Noodle describes the pot,
more than one pot, pots noodle.
So, I take it you've told everyone
you're coming back this evening?
No, I wanted to surprise them.
Oh. M-Make an entrance.
I've been away in treatment -
I'm the exotic one now.
Andrew's just a boring provincial
pub landlord.
He hasn't got the key to my
head anymore.
Tables have turned.
The shoes are on the other feet.
If I could still wear shoes, yes.
So, where is everyone?
CASS: It was laughably bad,
wasn't it, Andrew?
It was spectacularly poor.
You wouldn't want to be headhunted
by that lot. Oh, shocking.
We have no worries in terms
of losing custom.
Oh.
F
F
Thought Lee and Bryony were meant to
be business legends?
They're business chumps,
if you'll pardon my language.
I don't like to be negative,
but I wouldn't have fed that meal
to Judas.
Oh, he was the worst one.
Alison!
Is Stephen with you, love?
Or are you just a bit stressed?
Oh, no, he's just gone to the loo.
Ha.
Gin and tonic, please, love.
Those urinal cakes look fresh.
Got a new batch this week.
Jeyes. Classic.
How are you feeling, Stephen?
I have a crystal clear mind,
wide feet,
and I'm pissing like a greyhound.
How are you?
Can I apologise?
For?
Everything that happened before.
Everything in the world?
The Napoleonic Wars? Smallpox?
The cry-laugh emoji?
Slavery? Declining literacy rates?
I came into this family with
too much force
and not enough empathy, and I know
that my arrival troubled you
and may have added to
your mental distress.
I don't trust a word you say.
I know. I appreciate that.
Those words just then,
don't trust them.
Sure. Or that word.
Look... That's a lie.
Look, Stephen, my only hope is that
the investment I made
with the Wellness Centre pays off in
terms of your future happiness.
Investment?
Maybe that's too crude a term.
Um, assistance. Sponsorship.
YOU paid for me to stay at
Lyneham Abbey? Not Mum?
I had the means and Ellen felt...
Great. Terrific.
I thought it was Miss Haversham,
but it was you.
Big Shitty Magwitch.
Magwitch actually helps Pip to
fulfil his dreams.
I know my Dickens, Andrew.
Don't you DARE try to
out-Dickens me!
Or it will be the worst of times.
That's Dickens. I'm being clever.
I genuinely just wanted to help you.
By gaslighting me into thinking
I'm ill, then paying to put me
in a facility so you can gaslight
everyone else into thinking I'm ill?
Stephen, I admit it.
In the past, I've dissembled and
played with the truth,
but I've changed. Truly.
All I want to do now is help people.
Go fuck yourself. You can't get into
my head anymore, Andrew.
I don't want to get into your head.
Oh, yes, you do. But you can't
because I've changed the locks.
I still know you. I see you.
I'm looking at you right now.
I know you are.
Exactly, I'm staring directly
at you.
I'm aware of that.
F
How are you, sweetheart?
Um, you better?
Oh, you look a lot better.
Are you better?
Andrew paid for my treatment?
He was my sugar daddy?
Only it wasn't sugar -
it was Citalopram.
Well, I don't have that
kind of money, Stephen,
and something needed
to be done urgently.
You were in a bad way.
Andrew offered to help.
And now you're all better.
F
F
Right. Thanks.
F
F
é
That's meant to be kind,
so thank you.
Mike. Jan.
Hello.
F
F
Thank you. How's it all been?
F
But not because you weren't here.
£
I'm not distressed.
Oh.
É
10-4 can do, nice buddy.
How is he?
A lot better.
He's lucky to have you
to look out for him.
Oh, I remain vigilant.
And how are you?
Busy, busy.
Swamped at work investigating
dodgy planning applications.
Also my mum's getting up my nose
and on my tits.
Your mum? Yeah, and dad.
Dependent, needy.
I really haven't got time to fart.
We need to keep Stephen busy.
If he just sits around at Ellen's,
that'd be bad for him.
Am I meant to believe
you're concerned for him?
I don't expect you to believe it,
but it's the truth.
É
F
F
F
é
That doesn't sound very fair.
Is he an arable farmer like you,
Geoff?
É
Is that EU code?
F
Oh, hello.
Hello, Stephen.
Did you sleep well?
Yes.
You're here early.
In the house.
Did you come round early?
Uh, yes.
I, uh, came round early.
That would be it.
ELLEN: Julian, will you get the
wholemeal out of the freezer?
I'm not sure I...
I was just saying howJulian
has come round early.
Yes. An early call.
Good morning, Ellen. Good morning.
F
é
I'm not.
I mean, I am a vicar, but, uh...
SHE CLEARS THROAT
Julian and I are very close, love.
I didn't tell you before because I
thought it might add to your crisis.
It's fine. It's cool.
I'm happy for you.
Are you? Fuck no.
But I'll get used to it.
Please don't eat the
Eucharist wafers, Cass.
They're Christ.
Can I make you some breakfast,
Stephen?
Are there muffins?
I don't think there are.
It's just, I always had muffins at
Lyneham Abbey, but don't worry.
É
No. I just mentioned that we had
muffins for breakfast, that's all.
Lunch on Monday was soup,
Tuesday was toastie day,
but it's not important.
Wednesday's lasagne, Thursday soup
again, and Friday's fish and chips.
But it's irrelevant.
I'll go with the flow.
Whatever's easiest.
I could go and get some muffins.
No. No, it's fine.
Although it would be nice.
Ugh, back on the beer, Geoff?
Yeah, I was just flirting.
Diddled the lilt, but
I'm married to beer. Aw!
É
Easily clone.
Best time of my life was in hospital,
recovering from heart surgery.
Bliss.
Lying there for ten days,
doing fuck all,
a catheter up your Rees-Mogg, so you
don't even have to get up to piss.
That's living, all right.
Can't wait for the hospice!
Oh, Andrew? It's come.
The inevitable call.
Lee and Bryony Kingsley left
a message about half an hour ago.
You can name your price now,
son. They need you.
You're like whoever's an expensive
footballer these days.
I'm going to say Trevor Francis,
but more recent.
What exactly was the message, Jan?
Can we meet with your brilliant
landlord? Meet with...
...like in America.
I bet they get a coffee too.
Well, a meeting can't do any harm.
See how the land lies.
That's it. He's gone.
F
But it's a challenge, isn't it? No
challenge for Andrew here any more.
He's bored.
In danger of becoming a fixture.
Time to move on.
Yeah, Andrew's far too sharp
and clever to work at the Barleycorn
for longer than a few months.
How long have
you guys been here?
Eight years yesterday.
Congrats. Oh, thanks.
You've eaten here? I have.
Thoughts? Feelings? Ideas?
Honestly? Sure.
No point otherwise.
Truth has value.
Bullshit's worthless.
OK.
Felt like there was a lot of noise,
but no clear signal.
Decor, ambience, menu,
all compromised by
conflicting influences.
The service was weak,
slow and pretentious.
Those are the headline notes.
If you want a deep dive, I could...
No, no. No. We agree.
We need to step up our game.
We're looking for a guy to
help turn things around.
Copy that.
And that's where you come in,
Stephen.
Stephen,
we need a firm hand on the tiller.
Serious realignment.
We're impressed with how
the Barleycorn used to be run.
It used to look very different.
Andrew remodelled it.
I'd done a lovely pine thing,
but then it all burnt down in
a massive fire and he changed it.
Reason we've come to you, Stephen,
is we've realised this place
is too pretentious.
All this minimalist,
metropolitan thing.
Made a mistake.
We need to go totally the other way.
Back to how it was
when it was the Kings Arms.
People round here, they want
something honest, old school.
Not elitist.
Brexit style.
Tell it like it is.
Peppercorn sauce on a big
rump steak, swear boxes,
lifeboat boxes, little boy with
a slot in his head, some bloke
selling warm crabsticks, curry
night, geezers, saucepots, sorts,
types, Scotch eggs, but not artisan
Scotch eggs with rare-breed pork.
Just fucking Scotch fucking eggs!
Pardon my language but, I mean,
it's what people want now.
Some things may feel old-fashioned,
but they're best unchanged.
Exactly.
The reason they've never updated
Hangman is it's too difficult
to incrementally draw a stick man
serving a 30-year custodial sentence.
I need to talk to Chef.
Will you think about it, Stephen?
We'd love to have you on board.
I will think about it.
Will I need to wear shoes?
If I take over managing Puh-ub,
in a way, I'm leaving the family.
My loyalties will be elsewhere.
It's a huge deal.
I'd probably have to
move into the flat above the Puh-ub.
We'd really miss you. Indeed.
But needs must.
Do you want to move on, Stephen?
Have a fresh start?
New beginning?
I do...
...I think.
É
F
F
It's wonderful to be wanted.
It's exciting to be
valued for who I am,
for the skills
and experience I have.
I feel like I've come out of Lyneham
Abbey, able to achieve anything.
So, yes.
I will take the job.
ALL: Cheers!
And are these the absolute
widest fit you have? Yes, sir.
An H fitting's the widest
we've got in the size 9.
You don't do a] or
anything like that?
No, there's no such fitting as a J.
No? They should do
a Bravissimo, but for big feet.
OK, I'll take them.
Why are you two together?
Are you getting married?
Calm down, Stephen.
I went to see Alison
in a professional capacity.
I was troubled by Lee
and Bryony Kingsley.
Troubled? I didn't trust them.
The feeling was mutual.
They thought you were Satan.
But I'm paraphrasing.
I wanted to pick
Alison's brains, and...
I've been checking the archives,
and Lee
and Bryony are incredibly successful
businesspeople, as everyone says.
They're amazing.
They have a place in Tuscany.
Said I might be able to stay there.
The thing is, they do
get through a lot of businesses,
and there seems to be a pattern.
They take over a business,
it doesn't do well, they close it,
they build on the land, and that's
how they make their money.
So how does this affect me?
Well, the pattern seems to
be that they hire a...
They employ someone who...
What?
They hire a manager
who they think will be
so incompetent that he or she will
run the business into the ground.
Then, when the business
is seen as unsalvageable,
they can apply for change of use
and build houses on the land.
Puh-ub has that massive car park.
They could make millions.
We may be jumping to conclusions.
There's nothing yet been proved
about their previous applications.
But a red flag has gone up.
I didn't want you
pulled into a scam.
You've been through enough.
Here we are, sir.
Take them away, please.
And bring me
a pair of backless slippers.
H fitting in an 11 and a half.
Thought you took a size 9?
Just do it!
Don't give up completely on shoes,
Stephen.
Stupid.
I should've known.
Never dream.
Dreams aren't real.
Only nightmares.
I should go.
Mike and Jan are going to be in
late, so I need to unlock the pub.
# Baby
# You're driving me crazy
# I said baby
# You're driving me crazy
# Psycho
# Oh!
# Wow! #
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
very strong language
Morning.
Hi, Keith.
Sorry about Spurs.
Oh, don't rub it in, mate.
You're a masseur, so you can talk.
Ha, nice one.
See you at yoga?
Of course. When have I ever missed
yoga? Laters, potatoes.
Hm, back to the balaclava then,
Geoff?
Didn't you have lots of complaints
about it? Police coming around?
Police can fuck off.
I'm a farmer. Keeps my face warm.
Terrorists and sex offenders
have decimated
the balaclava industry, Mike.
They should hang their heads.
At the very least. Drink?
Lilt, please.
Sorry. Lilt.
Lilt? I just fancy a Lilt.
A nice Lilt.
Hm. There's some in the
kitchen fridge.
Hiya, when's young Stephen back.
F
é
It'll be good to have him back.
É
é
You been served, Geoff?
Mike's getting me a Lilt.
A Lilt?
Geoffjust fancied a nice Lilt.
JULIAN: Actually, all this talk
of Lilt. Do you want a Lilt, Julian?
No, I'm fine.
Oh, go on, then.
I'll have a Lilt.
Aw.
Lilt.
I forgot to say before you left for
the cash and carry. Urinal cakes.
Got them.
Oh, genius.
Course you have.
Lots of activity up the road,
Andrew.
New place is about to open.
How do you pronounce it?
%
I've been saying pube.
F
You don't want to reference colons
if you're serving food.
You know, the manager's upped and
left before they've even opened?
They need someone new, quick-smart.
Right.
Do they?
F
F
You'd fit in.
You're very modern.
I'm very happy here, Ellen.
No intention of being nabbed.
É
F
I'll take the urinal cakes through.
We got the Puh-ub menu through.
Oh, yes.
It's very cool, very minimalist.
Stove-warmed fish.
Leaves.
They sound nice.
Heritage pig head.
An egg.
Interesting.
Local curds.
ALL:
Fucking ball bags.
I liked it when it was the
Kings Arms.
Spit and sawdust place,
massive car park.
I don't know why it closed down.
Two people were stabbed to death
there, Geoff.
Now, get your facts straight.
They were stabbed
in the big car park,
but they actually died later
in hospital.
Less of the fake news.
F
Well, I guess Stephen again.
F
é
It is a tremendous degree of
progress you've made, Stephen.
It's like a journey, isn't it?
Oh, it is.
It's very like a journey.
Oh, you're absolutely right.
I say that all the time.
You do, Robbie.
All the time.
Brilliantly.
And, like alljourneys,
there'll be bumps in the road.
Uh, twist and turns.
T-junctions.
Roundabouts. Filter lanes.
You may proceed in the direction of
the green arrow when it,
or the full green light, shows.
I'm just quoting
the Highway Code now, but...
Oh, but, but that's what therapy is,
isn't it?
It's a kind of Highway Code to get
your mind back on the road.
I'm in here for my MOT! Yeah.
And you'll very soon be roadworthy.
We've addressed your drinking,
the uncertainty
over your biological father,
your feelings towards Andrew,
that car accident in Limoges...
I'm a very different guy from the
one who was forcibly encouraged
by his family
and the wider community
to become an inpatient here.
So, I think you're ready to go home.
Wow.
You've really helped me get my shit
together, Robbie.
There was a lot of disparate shit,
and now it's all in one place.
Under control.
Thank you.
Genuinely.
That fucking idiot thinks I'm cured,
the prick!
I think so too, actually, Stephen.
Well, maybe not cured,
but more yourself.
I'm just pretending. I'm still mad.
You don't seem to be...
That's the thing.
I'm so mad, I look normal.
Just a guy in a residential facility
being helped by a regime
of appropriate
medication and therapy.
What's suspicious about that?
Nothing.
It's genius.
MAD genius!
Maybe stop saying mad?
It's useful shorthand.
Well, if your therapist thinks
you're progressing...
Robbie knows nothing.
We disagreed a few weeks ago
over the correct plural form of
cup-a-soup.
He thinks it's CUP-a-soups.
It's quite clearly CUPS-a-soup!
A multiple number of cups of soup.
KNOCKS ON DOOR
Hi, Stephen. Hi, Cath.
Did you find your phone?
Would you believe, it was in my coat
pocket all the time?
No, I think you're lying.
Only joking!
I totally believe that it
was in your pocket.
Thanks.
There's nothing there.
Oh, I must have accidentally
swallowed them.
But, usually, I pretend.
Flush them away.
There'll be a lot of rats
in these sewers
with excellent serotonin levels.
What do you think Stephen will be
like when he comes back?
I'm hoping he's no longer at war
with himself.
I mean, what we have to do, all of
us, is support him fully.
The last thing we want is for
Stephen to get ill again.
You haven't been to see him at all.
He's only wanted to see Alison.
Not even mum, and she's the one
who's been paying for his stay.
It's weird, isn't it?
That he's the one who's been
having treatment
when I've always been the one with
so much mental complexity going on.
Stephen did get very ill, Cass.
I mean, he was paranoid, depressed,
anxious, obsessive, compulsive.
It's quite a cocktail.
Oh, and he was an alcoholic.
No, I know.
And it just bring sit home to me
how much stuff
I've been coping with, you know?
Silently.
You get very good at hiding your
massive complexity
behind a mask of
complete ordinariness.
How many layers are there to
an onion? No-one knows.
Science can't tell.
Let's hope one day they crack
that mystery.
Sorry, Andrew, could we have a word?
F
Mm. The, the tone, you know, because
like you say, he's vulnerable.
He's, you know...
So, do we act normally, or...?
F
Mm. But it's eggshells, isn't it?
You might say the wrong thing, or...
Yeah.
Obviously, we mustn't let him be
driven into mental collapse again.
I can't stress that enough.
So just chat normally to him.
Oh, sure. Normally! Good.
Try not to act at all odd or
awkward, you know?
Yes.
IN ACCENT: Can do there, sir, hey?
IN ACCENT:
Yeah...
Will you be wearing these shoes?
Not sure they'll fit me.
I haven't worn shoes since
I arrived here,
and my feet have become very soft
and wide. Really?
I've been in backless
slippers constantly.
My feet are almost as wide as
they are long.
Like veal escalopes.
Thanks, bye-bye. Bye.
Oh, Stephen. Good luck.
You got somewhere to stay?
Oh, uh, no, we, we aren't. Oh, no.
I mean, we were, but, uh...
I'll live with my mum for a bit and
then take stock.
Good. Well, get some rest and some
good food.
Wouldn't like to think of you back in that
awful caravan again, living off pot noodles.
Pots noodle.
Sorry? It's fine.
Come on, Stephen.
It's...it IS pots noodle.
Yes, all right, come on.
It's pot noodle cos... Stephen.
...the noodles have
become adjectival.
Noodles, noodle, pot.
Noodle describes the pot,
more than one pot, pots noodle.
So, I take it you've told everyone
you're coming back this evening?
No, I wanted to surprise them.
Oh. M-Make an entrance.
I've been away in treatment -
I'm the exotic one now.
Andrew's just a boring provincial
pub landlord.
He hasn't got the key to my
head anymore.
Tables have turned.
The shoes are on the other feet.
If I could still wear shoes, yes.
So, where is everyone?
CASS: It was laughably bad,
wasn't it, Andrew?
It was spectacularly poor.
You wouldn't want to be headhunted
by that lot. Oh, shocking.
We have no worries in terms
of losing custom.
Oh.
F
F
Thought Lee and Bryony were meant to
be business legends?
They're business chumps,
if you'll pardon my language.
I don't like to be negative,
but I wouldn't have fed that meal
to Judas.
Oh, he was the worst one.
Alison!
Is Stephen with you, love?
Or are you just a bit stressed?
Oh, no, he's just gone to the loo.
Ha.
Gin and tonic, please, love.
Those urinal cakes look fresh.
Got a new batch this week.
Jeyes. Classic.
How are you feeling, Stephen?
I have a crystal clear mind,
wide feet,
and I'm pissing like a greyhound.
How are you?
Can I apologise?
For?
Everything that happened before.
Everything in the world?
The Napoleonic Wars? Smallpox?
The cry-laugh emoji?
Slavery? Declining literacy rates?
I came into this family with
too much force
and not enough empathy, and I know
that my arrival troubled you
and may have added to
your mental distress.
I don't trust a word you say.
I know. I appreciate that.
Those words just then,
don't trust them.
Sure. Or that word.
Look... That's a lie.
Look, Stephen, my only hope is that
the investment I made
with the Wellness Centre pays off in
terms of your future happiness.
Investment?
Maybe that's too crude a term.
Um, assistance. Sponsorship.
YOU paid for me to stay at
Lyneham Abbey? Not Mum?
I had the means and Ellen felt...
Great. Terrific.
I thought it was Miss Haversham,
but it was you.
Big Shitty Magwitch.
Magwitch actually helps Pip to
fulfil his dreams.
I know my Dickens, Andrew.
Don't you DARE try to
out-Dickens me!
Or it will be the worst of times.
That's Dickens. I'm being clever.
I genuinely just wanted to help you.
By gaslighting me into thinking
I'm ill, then paying to put me
in a facility so you can gaslight
everyone else into thinking I'm ill?
Stephen, I admit it.
In the past, I've dissembled and
played with the truth,
but I've changed. Truly.
All I want to do now is help people.
Go fuck yourself. You can't get into
my head anymore, Andrew.
I don't want to get into your head.
Oh, yes, you do. But you can't
because I've changed the locks.
I still know you. I see you.
I'm looking at you right now.
I know you are.
Exactly, I'm staring directly
at you.
I'm aware of that.
F
How are you, sweetheart?
Um, you better?
Oh, you look a lot better.
Are you better?
Andrew paid for my treatment?
He was my sugar daddy?
Only it wasn't sugar -
it was Citalopram.
Well, I don't have that
kind of money, Stephen,
and something needed
to be done urgently.
You were in a bad way.
Andrew offered to help.
And now you're all better.
F
F
Right. Thanks.
F
F
é
That's meant to be kind,
so thank you.
Mike. Jan.
Hello.
F
F
Thank you. How's it all been?
F
But not because you weren't here.
£
I'm not distressed.
Oh.
É
10-4 can do, nice buddy.
How is he?
A lot better.
He's lucky to have you
to look out for him.
Oh, I remain vigilant.
And how are you?
Busy, busy.
Swamped at work investigating
dodgy planning applications.
Also my mum's getting up my nose
and on my tits.
Your mum? Yeah, and dad.
Dependent, needy.
I really haven't got time to fart.
We need to keep Stephen busy.
If he just sits around at Ellen's,
that'd be bad for him.
Am I meant to believe
you're concerned for him?
I don't expect you to believe it,
but it's the truth.
É
F
F
F
é
That doesn't sound very fair.
Is he an arable farmer like you,
Geoff?
É
Is that EU code?
F
Oh, hello.
Hello, Stephen.
Did you sleep well?
Yes.
You're here early.
In the house.
Did you come round early?
Uh, yes.
I, uh, came round early.
That would be it.
ELLEN: Julian, will you get the
wholemeal out of the freezer?
I'm not sure I...
I was just saying howJulian
has come round early.
Yes. An early call.
Good morning, Ellen. Good morning.
F
é
I'm not.
I mean, I am a vicar, but, uh...
SHE CLEARS THROAT
Julian and I are very close, love.
I didn't tell you before because I
thought it might add to your crisis.
It's fine. It's cool.
I'm happy for you.
Are you? Fuck no.
But I'll get used to it.
Please don't eat the
Eucharist wafers, Cass.
They're Christ.
Can I make you some breakfast,
Stephen?
Are there muffins?
I don't think there are.
It's just, I always had muffins at
Lyneham Abbey, but don't worry.
É
No. I just mentioned that we had
muffins for breakfast, that's all.
Lunch on Monday was soup,
Tuesday was toastie day,
but it's not important.
Wednesday's lasagne, Thursday soup
again, and Friday's fish and chips.
But it's irrelevant.
I'll go with the flow.
Whatever's easiest.
I could go and get some muffins.
No. No, it's fine.
Although it would be nice.
Ugh, back on the beer, Geoff?
Yeah, I was just flirting.
Diddled the lilt, but
I'm married to beer. Aw!
É
Easily clone.
Best time of my life was in hospital,
recovering from heart surgery.
Bliss.
Lying there for ten days,
doing fuck all,
a catheter up your Rees-Mogg, so you
don't even have to get up to piss.
That's living, all right.
Can't wait for the hospice!
Oh, Andrew? It's come.
The inevitable call.
Lee and Bryony Kingsley left
a message about half an hour ago.
You can name your price now,
son. They need you.
You're like whoever's an expensive
footballer these days.
I'm going to say Trevor Francis,
but more recent.
What exactly was the message, Jan?
Can we meet with your brilliant
landlord? Meet with...
...like in America.
I bet they get a coffee too.
Well, a meeting can't do any harm.
See how the land lies.
That's it. He's gone.
F
But it's a challenge, isn't it? No
challenge for Andrew here any more.
He's bored.
In danger of becoming a fixture.
Time to move on.
Yeah, Andrew's far too sharp
and clever to work at the Barleycorn
for longer than a few months.
How long have
you guys been here?
Eight years yesterday.
Congrats. Oh, thanks.
You've eaten here? I have.
Thoughts? Feelings? Ideas?
Honestly? Sure.
No point otherwise.
Truth has value.
Bullshit's worthless.
OK.
Felt like there was a lot of noise,
but no clear signal.
Decor, ambience, menu,
all compromised by
conflicting influences.
The service was weak,
slow and pretentious.
Those are the headline notes.
If you want a deep dive, I could...
No, no. No. We agree.
We need to step up our game.
We're looking for a guy to
help turn things around.
Copy that.
And that's where you come in,
Stephen.
Stephen,
we need a firm hand on the tiller.
Serious realignment.
We're impressed with how
the Barleycorn used to be run.
It used to look very different.
Andrew remodelled it.
I'd done a lovely pine thing,
but then it all burnt down in
a massive fire and he changed it.
Reason we've come to you, Stephen,
is we've realised this place
is too pretentious.
All this minimalist,
metropolitan thing.
Made a mistake.
We need to go totally the other way.
Back to how it was
when it was the Kings Arms.
People round here, they want
something honest, old school.
Not elitist.
Brexit style.
Tell it like it is.
Peppercorn sauce on a big
rump steak, swear boxes,
lifeboat boxes, little boy with
a slot in his head, some bloke
selling warm crabsticks, curry
night, geezers, saucepots, sorts,
types, Scotch eggs, but not artisan
Scotch eggs with rare-breed pork.
Just fucking Scotch fucking eggs!
Pardon my language but, I mean,
it's what people want now.
Some things may feel old-fashioned,
but they're best unchanged.
Exactly.
The reason they've never updated
Hangman is it's too difficult
to incrementally draw a stick man
serving a 30-year custodial sentence.
I need to talk to Chef.
Will you think about it, Stephen?
We'd love to have you on board.
I will think about it.
Will I need to wear shoes?
If I take over managing Puh-ub,
in a way, I'm leaving the family.
My loyalties will be elsewhere.
It's a huge deal.
I'd probably have to
move into the flat above the Puh-ub.
We'd really miss you. Indeed.
But needs must.
Do you want to move on, Stephen?
Have a fresh start?
New beginning?
I do...
...I think.
É
F
F
It's wonderful to be wanted.
It's exciting to be
valued for who I am,
for the skills
and experience I have.
I feel like I've come out of Lyneham
Abbey, able to achieve anything.
So, yes.
I will take the job.
ALL: Cheers!
And are these the absolute
widest fit you have? Yes, sir.
An H fitting's the widest
we've got in the size 9.
You don't do a] or
anything like that?
No, there's no such fitting as a J.
No? They should do
a Bravissimo, but for big feet.
OK, I'll take them.
Why are you two together?
Are you getting married?
Calm down, Stephen.
I went to see Alison
in a professional capacity.
I was troubled by Lee
and Bryony Kingsley.
Troubled? I didn't trust them.
The feeling was mutual.
They thought you were Satan.
But I'm paraphrasing.
I wanted to pick
Alison's brains, and...
I've been checking the archives,
and Lee
and Bryony are incredibly successful
businesspeople, as everyone says.
They're amazing.
They have a place in Tuscany.
Said I might be able to stay there.
The thing is, they do
get through a lot of businesses,
and there seems to be a pattern.
They take over a business,
it doesn't do well, they close it,
they build on the land, and that's
how they make their money.
So how does this affect me?
Well, the pattern seems to
be that they hire a...
They employ someone who...
What?
They hire a manager
who they think will be
so incompetent that he or she will
run the business into the ground.
Then, when the business
is seen as unsalvageable,
they can apply for change of use
and build houses on the land.
Puh-ub has that massive car park.
They could make millions.
We may be jumping to conclusions.
There's nothing yet been proved
about their previous applications.
But a red flag has gone up.
I didn't want you
pulled into a scam.
You've been through enough.
Here we are, sir.
Take them away, please.
And bring me
a pair of backless slippers.
H fitting in an 11 and a half.
Thought you took a size 9?
Just do it!
Don't give up completely on shoes,
Stephen.
Stupid.
I should've known.
Never dream.
Dreams aren't real.
Only nightmares.
I should go.
Mike and Jan are going to be in
late, so I need to unlock the pub.
# Baby
# You're driving me crazy
# I said baby
# You're driving me crazy
# Psycho
# Oh!
# Wow! #
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