Back (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript

Oh...

Hello, Maureen, have you shat everywhere?

Smells like you shat everywhere.

Brilliant, a floor made out of dog turd.

Like there's a mental
patient on Grand Designs.

Nice to see you here again, Ellen.

He looks tall. Was Jesus quite tall?

- No-one knows. - They were
probably shorter back then, actually.

Well, the medieval people were short,

you could see that from
the old doorways, so,

the Jesus time people must've been tiny.



I don't think they were tiny.

I don't mean tiny like Playmobil
people, tiny like jockeys,

or those little stocky men who do judo.

I need to get back.

Shall I walk with you part of the way?

I was thinking of having a
full English at the cafe.

Oh, naughty.

You won't be getting into heaven.

I actually will. That's
pretty much guaranteed.

Access all areas.

Sorry, shit everywhere.

The dogs'.

How is sweet little Maureen,
apart from the shit everywhere?

If I wear a surgical mask and latex
gloves, and take three Piriton,



my breathing stays fairly normal,
so, happy to have her here.

OK, I'm e-mailing you all
copies of Laurie's will.

Jeff, is your address still
send glenyskinnocktoprison@gmail?

Yeah, JeffNichols was already
taken, and JeffNichols1.

- NicholsJeff?
- Might have a chance.

Ellen's going to to be a little late.

she's the executor of the will so she's
already familiar with what's in it.

Sorry I'm late. Jeff,

just saw the exhaust on your Volvo
was trailing so I did a temporary fix.

Wow, cheers, mate.

And Cass, you know that book we talked
about on the architecture of Stuttgart?

- Should be on your Kindle.
- So want to read that.

Amazing Stuttgart in beautiful... Europe.

Sorry, Andrew, but, private family event.

The will, it's core family,
just the solid core blood family.

And also, seemingly, Mike.

(Quavers.)

Actually, Stephen, Andrew
is mentioned in the will.

Yes, Mum asked me to come along.

Hope I'm not treading on any toes.

No, I'm guessing you've been left a
table lamp, or something, some pens.

You can sit next to me, Andrew, make
sure I don't die of bloody boredom.

How's your B&B? A bit grim?

I've stayed in more depressing places,

but then I did have eight
Christmases in care.

Will you be reading the will?

That only happens in films, Jeff.

Oh, go on, please.

You can start with, "I expect you're
wondering why I've asked you all here."

That's murder mysteries. We
know why she's asked us all here.

And she didn't ask us all
here, we all asked her here.

You're determined to suck the fun
out of things, aren't you, Stephen?

Sorry, I apologise for sucking the
fun out of my dead father's last

wishes, what a fucking buzzkill.

I think Jesus Christ, peace be upon him...

We don't tend to say that --
that's the... we just don't say it.

Oh, well, I think Jesus
Christ, best wishes be to him,

is the logical next step
in my spiritual journey.

Paganism, self-hypnosis,

sprigs of rosemary down your pants
will only take you but so far.

You need some red meat with your
aduki beans, and that's Jesus.

The church is very pleased
to welcome you, Ellen.

I do like the idea of eternal life.

And it's only possible through
Christ. Everyone else is damned.

Even a tiny baby is damned
to hell if it dies unbaptized.

You could work for 60 years feeding
the poor, healing the sick,

giving every ounce of yourself
for the service of others,

but unless you accept
Christ as your saviour,

you'll burn in agony for all eternity.

- And deserve to.
- You're quite hard-line, aren't you?

There's only one truth, Ellen.
I'm not going to lie about it.

What... what about people in remote
tribes who don't know about Jesus?

They'll burn, quite rightly.

They know, even the Amazon
tribes can get 4G these days.

And will Laurie burn?

Yes, he will.

I bequeath the residue of this
business to my beloved wife

Ellen Mae Nichols, a 45% share and
my children Stephen Richard Nichols

and Cassandra Leslie
Nichols, a 25% share each.

Doesn't that come to 95%?

I make it 105%.

Really?

Maybe not, I switched off since it
became clear I'm getting fuck all.

Unless I get that 5%.

To aid with the transition period,

Andrew Thomas Donnelly shall have
a 5% stake in the John Barleycorn.

Sorry, everyone.

I was checking in with Julian re
lovely Jesus Christ and so on.

I am hugely into Jesus now.

I think he's brilliant.

Mum, Andrew has a share of the business.

- 5%.
- Yes, great, isn't it?

Just the shot in the arm this
place needs, help clear our debts.

This is so lovely, guys. I'll do
whatever I can to help you out.

I'm humbled and I'm proud.

You can't be, they're opposites.

It's like being simultaneously
on the moon and not on the moon.

Who the fuck is he anyway?

He claims he lived with
us for a matter of months.

I was Dad's proper son for 42 years.

Andrew was a rescue son
we temporarily homed.

Yeah, we need to Google
the shit out of him.

Try and work out his history.

Me and you, like Cagney and
Lacey, or Scott and Bailey.

Or maybe a partnership
where one of them is a man?

Yeah. Team Us.

Sorry -- is this a bad back
thing, the lying on the floor?

No, Tom was here at lunchtime.

We had sex in Graham's office.

It's OK, he's away on a course.

- OK.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

I haven't told you, have
I? We're trying for a baby.

Right. Nice one.

No, nice one, who says "nice one"?

After sex I have to lie in this
position for a bit to keep all the,

- you know... - Yeah, I
get it. - Come up there.

- Sure.
- We've not been lucky yet,

so we think that timing is pretty crucial.

Could you just pass me that cushion?

I've got a very precise ovulation calculator
that works more or less to the hour.

Thanks.

- Is it Swiss?
- Not sure.

- Anyway, sorry, too much
grisly info. - No, no.

Oh, are you up for carrying on the
Andrew investigation tomorrow evening?

- Team Us. - Yeah, although at
eight o'clock could you remind me

I've got to go home and have sex with Tom?

I'll set an alarm too, but
just in case, could you...

- My pleasure.
- Thanks.

We were just saying, Stephen,

how Julian does a lot
of drug outreach work.

I work with the sort of people
Jesus would have hung out with.

Rabbis and fishermen?

Fringe people, liminal people,
guys who are on the edge,

or in the gaps.

I did a lot of voice and movement
work with those kind of guys

when I ran an actors' studio in Berlin.

- Oh, fucking hell.
- If you're addicted, you don't have a voice.

You're "I love the drugs!"

But when you gain confidence through
voice and movement work, you're like,

"No more drugs for me, thanks!"

- It's that different.
- And sometimes I baptise the guys.

christ is not just in a church,

he's in this pub, he's in a brothel,

in a tree house, Belmarsh
prison, and IKEA.

John baptized Christ outdoors in a river.

wherever there's water
and the Holy Spirit,

we could baptise those
who seek redemption.

Could you baptise me?

Here, now?

Of course.

The Christian community welcomes
you with great joy, Ellen.

In its name, I claim you
for Christ our saviour,

by the sign of his cross.

Ohhh!

- Wow! - Go on, I'll
have what she's having.

- What? - Seems like the
ideal time to get baptised.

Do you actually believe in God?

- Sure. - The Christian community
welcomes you with great joy, Andrew.

In its name I claim you for Christ
our saviour, by the sign of his cross.

- Baptizing, is it?
- Yes.

Brilliant. I'll have a pop. All
my sins forgiven, fantastic.

I fucked a load of people over in my time.

And I once broke a security guard's
spine, so THIS is an excellent deal!

- Stephen, will you be baptized?
- No, of course I won't!

I don't want to do end up like your dad.

He is burning in the fiery
pit of hell, right now.

No, he isn't mum. Dad's not in hell.

Don't upset yourself!

His remains are rotting
in a long wicker box.

Seems small when you
look around initially.

Very small, but it's
deceptively big, isn't it?

Tremendously roomy. Too roomy, almost.

Yeah, can you sign the doc up?

Trevellis Caravans, are
you a Cornish company?

- No. - But you have a love of Cornwall,
Trevellis, childhood holidays?

My name is Trevor Ellis.

Ah. Right. Clever.

Clever Trevor.

And, you want another four of these?

Almost certainly, this is just
a sample to excite everyone.

Do I get a discount for ordering five?

No.

Ah, good. You got the text.

Welcome to the gold mine.

Five static caravans, in this
field, rent them out for holidays,

steady income, clear our debts.

- OK. - Initially we'd
need a septic tank,

but the technology has improved hugely.

Even with the medium-size one.

I worked out that I could personally
shit in it until I was 54 and still

not fill it up. Let me give you the tour.

It's very, very small.

You think that when you look
at it, but in reality it isn't.

There's no oven? Just a hob?

You could do most things on a hob.

Picture the scene, holiday-makers
having a great time locally, seeing

the sights, then back to their spacious
static for a slap-up hob-cooked meal.

Do you genuinely like this sort of hutch?

I love it, I would happily live
here permanently, it's that good.

Hey, life swap!

If you stay here in hobbit world,
Andrew can have your room above the pub.

No, I'm sure Stephen isn't
serious about living in this...

- Hutch. - I am! You can
have the stupid room.

You can't fry an egg in a
room, can't... wee in a room.

So, what do we think
then, about the statics?

I think this is a
fantastic idea of Steven's.

- I really do.
- Really?

A superbly, solid, workmanlike
way of making some extra money.

Let's get 100% behind this.

I mean, I have had half a thought
of my own about the future of the

- business, but let's not... - What
half a thought? - I bet it's amazing.

Well, something like...

Wow!

Let's do this! Whatever
this is, please let's do it?

We hold a food festival in
the field. Come with me.

Pop up street food stalls, an
airstream serving great grilled cheese.

- Oh, I like a bit of grilled cheese.
- It's called cheese on toast.

Tents selling local produce. You
know, rare breed pulled pork.

A vodka jelly kiosk, raw milk
cheeses, a ferris wheel, falconry,

a dim sum workshop, I might be
able to get a Spitfire to fly over.

- Oh! - And we call it
the snack and field event.

- Brilliant name.
- It's just a pun!

And we end it with fireworks
and a set by Coldplay.

- Fucking hell, that sounds amazing!
- I was joking about that last bit.

Oh. Still, fucking hell, the
rest of it still sounds amazing.

Can I just say, raw milk cheeses,
you're playing with fire.

They can cause pregnant women to miscarry,

- that's a 20 grand lawsuit, minimum.
- Well, I love this idea.

It's a thrilling and
wonderfully exciting idea,

as is Steven's static caravan
and septic tank proposal.

But let's try the food festival first.

Only if you're sure, I mean,

I might make a massive
cock-up of the whole thing.

You won't, no chance. You're brilliant.

So, I've been doing some Google
sleuthing on Andrew today.

I think some of it checks out,
but some of it's a bit hazy.

Yes, I've been looking too.

The restaurant stuff seems legit.

Yeah, but it's not clear whether
he owned it, or was a manager,

or a waiter or just ate there a lot.

Got your chips and dips.

Thanks. I'll be going to the
cash-and-carry in the morning.

- Oh. - So, if anything occurs to you...

Aw, I'll have a think.

Why, "Aw"?

She just says, "Aw," all the fucking time.

Aw.

Did you notice Andrew's lost 18 months?

- No.
- There's a mystery period.

18 months where Andrew goes
completely off the radar.

Nothing about him on the
internet for any of that time.

Oh, interesting. Prison?

Maybe. Perhaps he was a drug lord.

No, sentence too short.

An illegal fracker, he's been
fracking his through France.

Or, diddling. Serial diddling.

- I could look that up.
- No, your ISP might seem the search terms

and take you for the diddler.

I'll search on mine. Lady
diddlers are like hens' teeth.

- Hi. - We've just been talking
about continental paedophiles.

And how the sentences
are relatively short.

Right. I wanted to talk very
briefly about ferris wheels.

- Sure. - Do your remember when Dad
took us to the fair on the common?

I loved the Ferris wheel.

And so did Dad.

Yeah, amazing days.

Steven!

I love rides. Sometimes
being scared can be fun.

Then my entire waking
existence is a carnival.

The ferris wheel guy sent these...

Oh, there he is. Excuse me.

You could have a look at that.

His location services
will tell you whether

- he's been living where he says he has.
- I don't know. It's...

- It's his private information.
- You don't know if he's a conman.

Quick, he'll look in a second.

Bugger, android.

I don't know how to work android.

- Fuck! - What? - I've taken a
picture of myself. Shit. - Delete it.

I'm trying to. Shit.

- Put it back. - Done it, I
think. - He's coming back.

OK, we can get ourselves a
pretty great ferris wheel,

fully insured for an excellent price.

I'm going to do the deal.

Brilliant. Excellent detective work.

We are such an amazing team.

Phenomenal. Interpol should
hire us, we'd make millions.

You need to have sex with Tom.

Oh, God, yes.

Well remembered.

I saw the time on Andrew's phone.

- I'll see you very soon.
- Good luck!

Good luck. Aw, for fuck's
sake Steven, you heinous twat.

- Really?
- Oh, this is going to be such fun.

Come along.

Jesus Christ. The oceans are warming
quicker than this fucking pan.

Hi. I'm just moving in.

- And we're sharing his burden.
- Can we come in?

Oh, is that water meant to be boiling?

Leave the lid on. That's ten minutes
of boiling time I'll never get back.

It doesn't look like
anything is happening.

Something is happening,
boiling is happening.

- I'm making pasta. - I just wanted
to check that you're still cool about

living here while I take
the room above the pub?

Said I was, didn't I?

Yes, but I'm just giving you
a chance to change your mind.

It doesn't make you feel claustrophobic?

No. It would have to be small
to make me feel like that.

So, you don't mind Andrew sleeping
in your old bed, with no doubt,

- the occasional companion.
- I'm totally fine with it.

This really has no heat
in it at all, Steven.

Don't you try to baptise
me. Keep those fingers away.

Don't you surreptitiously baptise me.

- I wouldn't do that.
- Baptise him Julian, quick.

- Fuck off! - Save him from the
pit, save him with the pasta water!

No! Don't you fucking dare touch
me with your fucking Christ fingers.

Don't you fucking dare!

I can't perform a
non-consensual baptism, Ellen.

I only want to save you, Steven.
I think you'd take to the church.

- You liked Cubs.
- I agree with Julian.

Aggravated baptism is a non-runner.

Now, will you all please
leave my lovely home.

I've got to start softening an
onion now if I want to get to bed

by 2am.

This has disaster written all over it.

Oh, God, Steven, you have
to try the grilled cheese.

Seb does the best grilled
cheese this side of NYC.

Hey, I'd say it's the best including NYC.

Yeah, well, I've spent a lot of
time in NYC and maybe you're right.

It's a great town, isn't it?

Central Park, amazing.

Right in the centre there.

Greenwich Village, the Brooklyn,
Bronx, Uptown, Downtown, Eastside,

- all the sides. - You've never
been to New York, have you, Cass?

Not literally, but you
can still feel the vibe.

This is incredible grilled
cheese, Steven, try it.

It's cheese and bread, Jeff,
how wonderful can it be?

See? It's amazing, isn't it?

How do you make it taste like it does?

I make my own sourdough with spelt flour.

Started from a local bakery
that dates back 40 years.

Cheese is a unique sheep's cheddar,

which I make in small
batches. Do you like it?

I quite like cheese on
toast, so I quite like this.

I'm not very hungry though, I
just did a roast in the static.

This is such an amazing event, Andrew.

Laurie would've loved it.

You know, for the first time
since he died, I think...

.. I'm happy.

Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.

I say roast, I haven't got an oven,
so I boiled the chicken on the hob.

It took awhile, but it was cooked through.

Why don't people boil chickens any more?

Probably the smell.

Tasty, though.

She misses you, you know?

- She misses you.
- You think so?

I know so.

I sometimes wonder if she...

She can't smell you at night,
that's what it is, so she whines.

Oh, the dog.

- Right. - It's pitiful.
I try to comfort her,

but I'm no substitute for you.

What the fuck?

Oi! Oi!

Stop that. That's my...

Hang on. What are you doing?

- Toilet. - What do you mean,
"Toilet"? This isn't a toilet.

People are using the toilet in there.

There is a toilet in there,
but this isn't a toilet.

This isn't a public toilet.

- This is my home.
- You live here?

- Yes.
- In this caravan?

Yes. It's very big.

Come on, on your way.

Move along. There are loos in the pub.

This is someone's home here.

- Horsefucker.
- It's very nice inside.

Not any more, mate, looks like
a gift shop at a turd museum.

Fuck.

We are so pleased that so
many of you have come today.

Mate.

- Tom, hi.
- Great festival.

- Right. - Any chance you
could do me a favour?

- Sure, go ahead.
- Al and me, we've mistimed things.

Got talking to the Welsh dim
sum guy, forgot about the time.

- And you know we're er...
- Ah, yes.

Her egg timing's gone off.
Ovaries like big satsumas.

Need to... You know,
more or less, right now.

- No time to get home.
- Say no more.

Um, go ahead. You use
the caravan for a while.

It might smell a bit of
shit and boiled chicken.

I'll make myself scarce.

Actually, you couldn't stay and
keep guard, could you, mate?

I saw some people using
it as a toilet earlier.

We don't need them banging on
the door when we're trying...

No. Blimey, nightmare.
Of course. Nice one.

Not nice one...

Hi, thanks so much.

No problemo. Sorry about all the smells.

Cheers, mate, and we'll be quiet.

Well, Alison is pretty quiet
in that regard anyway.

Is she?

- Isn't she? - Anyway, you
won't hear much with the music

- and the tractor display and
all that caper. - Just a sec.

It's great this, isn't it?

It's like all my Christmases
have come at once, Jan.

By which I mean,
enormously disorientating.

Have you tried the grilled cheese?

Could you maybe leave me alone, Jan?

The festival made a loss.

We actively lost money.

Well, it might not have made a profit

on your grey spreadsheet, Alan Sugar.

But it feels like it did
because of the amazing vibe.

It made a profit in good will, Steven.

Let's agree to differ.

- What?
- Agree to differ, mate.

No, you can't. This isn't about
opinions, it's about facts.

That's everything secured, we'll
do the clear up in the morning.

- I'm gonna take myself upstairs to bed.
- Brilliant day, Andrew.

- Thank you.
- Yes, fantastic festival.

Top work boy, top work.

Thanks. I fear we might not
have made a literal profit.

- Oh, it's only money.
- Thanks for your enthusiasm, guys.

- Night all. - Night-night. - Night!

Right, I'm going to bed too.

Goodnight, love.

- Your hand's wet.
- Is it?

Wait, were you... Do you think
you've just baptised me?

- No, love.
- Because you haven't baptised me.

You have no power to baptise me.

I know, I didn't baptise you.

- You go off to bed, love.
- I'm not baptised?

Of course you're not.

When I die, my brain will
be starved of oxygen,

and everything I am, everything
I've ever thought or felt,

every memory I have, ends forever.

Of course it does.

You have a lovely sleep.

♪ You can't judge a book
by looking at the cover

♪ Can't judge a book

♪ Can't judge a book

♪ Can't judge a book

♪ Can't judge a book

♪ Can't judge a book

♪ Can't judge a book

♪ Can't judge a book

♪ Can't judge a book

♪ Can't judge a book

♪ Can't judge a book

♪ Can't judge a book... ♪