Babylon (2014): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

Ladies and gentlemen, Liz Garvey,
Director of Communications.

First day, exciting.

'The age of information
control is over.'

~ The commissioner saw her TED talk.
and his dick

went hard. ~ I trust you, Liz.
~ Yes Commissioner.

It must be quite a culture
shock, from working for

a website to a job where
lives are on the line.

I give her six months and
she's scrambled eggs.

~ Was there an intent to fire? ~ I didn't
know the suspect's weapon was a replica.

Since the incident the important
thing is you feel fit to continue.

~ Shooting in the Wandsworth Road area.
~ We're on it!



ARMED POLICE!

The thing about you, Warwick, you do
shoot unarmed members of the public.

~ OK, guys. Your turn with filming.
~ We have got Robbie with us.

~ Keep an eye on him, right? ~ Step
away from the fucking lamppost!

What do you think about Robbie's
application for firearms training?

~ Think he's got what it takes?
~ I will verbally dominate you.

No, no. It's different.

These shootings could be linked.

However, Scotland Yard is
still to make a statement.

The news media is
like a crocodile.

Unless you throw them a piece
of meat, they go a bit nuts.

~ Just tell them the truth.
~ Which is?

This is so far off the record,
even I don't know I'm saying it!

Why'd you go behind my
back to The Mirror?



You tried to fuck me
and I'm not having it.

~ We've got him. ~ Could be hostages.
Could be anything.

~ The shooter's been tweeting. ~ Shut it
down. ~ Twitter or the whole internet?

You can't take control.
That is the reality.

~ Warwick, are you set? ~ Can
we clarify before we go in?

~ Don't go in. ~
We have gone in!

~ He's out the back. ~
Warwick, are you on it?

I've got him.

ARMED POLICE!

Shooter's dead.

Congratulations on a good job well
done with supreme professionalism.

~ Couldn't get a close sight.
~ Front page.

Doesn't look great, eh? I'm sorry
your first day was such a fucker.

~ Exciting though, eh?
~ It was exciting!

~ Oi! ~ We are in charge. ~ Fuck off!
~ That is the message.

This is a new game and we
are playing for keeps.

~ You need me. ~
I need you gone.

Are you losing
control, Commissioner?

I don't answer that
sort of question.

A year ago, Commissioner, you
promised new faces, a new approach.

But on corruption,
on racial diversity,

on the use of lethal force, it's
business as usual, isn't it?

Uh-uh. Next question.

You've not had a kiss of the Blarney
Stone this morning, Commissioner.

~ What exactly have you been kissing?
~ Excuse me?

Well, have you been kissing the
arse of the Home Secretary?

Have you not had your hands down
a number of big boys' trousers,

~ looking to keep them sweet? ~
Yeah, all right, Tom, knock it off.

Commissioner, you've got to respond.
Just let him have it.

No. I have not been tugging off
politicians for influence.

Changing times. New ideas.
Big challenges.

London is safe. Big
Ben's on time.

The Beefeaters are fucking the ravens.
All's well.

~ Thank you and good morning. ~
Commissioner, I think you need to...

Thank you. Incredibly useful.

I have always rehearsed my
CEOs for big set pieces

and it has always
been beneficial.

Today's hearing with the
deputy mayor will be tough.

~ You need a new strategy. ~ I
have a strategy for the committee.

~ I give them nothing. ~ Yeah,
that's passive and defensive.

~ Things are changing. ~
Everything's always changing.

I remember when it was
Monday, now it's Tuesday.

Yeah, don't patronise
me, Commissioner.

You are very plausible when
you come out fighting.

You don't like a
question that was asked?

Paraphrase it to answer one we do like.
Basic, yeah?

OK. Fair dos. Point taken. Excuse
me, I have a lot on my plate.

Two steaks, fish supper and a Subway
foot-long shit sandwich on my plate.

I understand. All I'm saying
is we should be like,

"Hold on. Didn't order
the shit sandwich."

~ If you give me the time I can help you.
~ Sure, OK.

Let's schedule 20 minutes
before the committee, Tom.

And what about you, Liz?
Settling in OK?

Yeah. Good. My
refrigerator is...

You don't need to know this,
but it buzzes like, "zzz",

~ really loud while I'm trying to sleep.
~ OK, that's bad.

~ I'll be round at 2200 hours to fix it.
~ Oh, well...

~ I don't know if that would be...
~ I'm joking, Liz.

Right.

No, me too.

~ Oh, my God! ~ All right. So girls, girls.
Fuck work...

Hello, pavement!

Mia, hey!

~ Liz! Brilliant! You came? ~
Erm, yeah, are you kidding?

~ I... you said, so I thought...
~ Ladies, I give you Liz Garvey.

~ Head of Communications at Scotland Yard.
~ Oh, fuck that shit.

~ I'm just Liz. ~ Get
another one down you, boss.

So, presumably you do know
other people in London?

Oh, yeah. Loads.

Well, some. One, really.
Er... a guy.

I don't know what went on. I
guess he was a boyfriend.

So, what, did he head-fuck you?

He was more of a fuckhead,
than a head-fuck.

~ Oh, a head-fuck and a fuckhead.
~ Hubba-hubba!

Can I have his number?

You are welcome to it!

It's like, why are we even in
communications? Is she OK?

Because we are in an
information revolution.

~ If it was 1815 we'd be running
the rail roads. ~ Yeah.

It's like the footage of the
police shooting at the takeaway.

~ Don't embargo that, put
it out there. ~ Yeah.

Ask Joe Public, what
would they have done?

I mean, that's a huge
perception shift.

It's really, really, interesting

And the commissioner, it has to go from
him grilling me to me preparing him.

He's a brand and he's reluctant to
sell himself because he's a part of

"generation reluctant to accept
the commodification of the self",

like that hasn't been
happening since Napoleon.

And I am talking so much work shit on
your one night off and I need to stop.

Liz, fuck work...

Hello, pavement!

~ Hmm. ~ That's not so bad.

~ And this is live, is it? ~ Ow.

It's pretty much live. There's
a three minute delay or so.

~ But it's great function, isn't it?
~ Brilliant function.

It's all part of our
Securamax service.

Also nice to think he's
probably over the worst.

~ It was three minutes ago. ~
Yeah, he'll be fine. Is he?

OK, it's not nice but
bottom line, is it a riot?

Because our view, and I've
had this direct from HQ,

is that it's not a riot.

Well, it's a disturbance. It's
definitely a disturbance, I'd say.

No-one's saying it's not a disturbance.
Disturbance is fine.

Look, I don't want to
put pressure on you.

Terms of Securamax
contract, I'm asking you.

If it's a riot, we say it's a
riot, and the firm takes a hit.

In my opinion, what we're looking
at here is a severe disturbance.

~ Quite. It'll burn itself out.
~ It is tiring, fighting.

Yeah, the arms will
tire eventually.

Drop the weapon!
Drop the weapon!

~ Hi, Warwick. Sorry to keep you waiting.
Liz Garvey. ~ Hi.

So, the reason I've got you in
to see me is because it involves

the incident you were involved
in, the discharging of...

~ When I shot that bloke. ~
Exactly, when you shot that bloke.

So the footage of it
gives a really good vibe

of how it must have felt to you.

Before I give it to news agencies
I want you to watch it here

with me to be sure you're
comfortable with it.

~ I shot him. I think I can
cope, Ms Garvey. ~ OK, great.

Then I'll just take a look.

Armed police! Armed police! Drop
the weapon! Drop the weapon!

I'm going to stop it
before it gets to the...

~ Oh! ~ Fuck!

Sorry, I missed it. We'll
pixelate, obviously.

Why? Is that to protect me
or just cos I'm so ugly?

Look, some people
don't trust us.

They think we've a bunch of trigger
happy meat-heads on the team.

But this took judgment and skill.
It looks great for us.

~ That's why I want to put this out.
~ Shame he didn't have a gun.

Yeah, well. It looks
like he had a gun.

Yeah, see? That's
what I thought.

We've been getting emergency calls
from the surrounding housing.

The residents near the prison
are beginning to panic.

~ What's going on in there? ~ I don't
want to go into too much detail. ~ No?

And I don't want the GP to
put that brush up my vagina

when I get my smear test
but that's the procedure.

We're not currently requesting police
assistance under the terms of our contract.

We have officers at the heart of the
disturbance, ready to reassert total control.

And out of interest,
why don't they?

Uh-huh. Well, what's on fire? No
people are on fire, are they?

Sure. No, I get it.

It has become necessary
to request assistance.

~ Yep. Hmm-mm. ~ Yeah.

Tom, can you get into my diary?
All my medical appointments

- doctor, physio -
can you delete them?

Can I technically, or ethically, or
physically? What's the question?

No, sure. Very good.
And can I ask why?

~ Yes. For a reason. ~ Excellent.
Thank you.

And you don't want to ask
your secretary yourself?

I don't want it to happen. I just
want it to have happened. All right?

Disturbance at Craven
Wood Youth Offenders.

Securamax were trying not
to trigger penalties.

~ But now they're calling us in. ~
Everyone all right? Guards, kids?

Yeah, minor injuries. I'd like to
deploy TSG for perimeter control

and potential
intervention assistance.

OK. Deploy the reserve.

With all due haste bearing in
mind our other responsibilities.

Absolutely, Commissioner.
Fuck them.

~ Will you get down there, Sharon,
make sure it plays right? ~ Sure.

Tom, get me Liz.

~ Now good? ~ Yeah, good.
Come in.

~ I just wanted to catch up.
Have a seat. ~ Hmm-mm.

OK, look, Finn.

I know I took your job but
I am not going to pretend.

~ I don't like you. ~ It's
great to see you too.

~ And you don't like me. ~ Only
everything I know about you.

You know, Adolf Hitler would sometimes
appoint two people to do the same job.

Then he'd just see who was
best, who fought it out.

~ Great manager, great guy. ~ What
I'm saying is let's not fight.

Yeah? Let's harness our
different talents.

OK, Liz. Can I just be really
open and honest with you?

An interesting question,
you've never previously tried.

It was hard for me when I
didn't get the promotion.

You're funny, you're good at
the job, you're talented,

you're young, you're v-...
very attractive...

You had me at "good at the job".
Let's do it right here.

And things have been
hard for me and Sarah.

She wants to be in the country,

she wants to be in a bigger
house in the country.

The commute's killing me,
then, suddenly, bang!

~ She hates the country.
~ That's hard.

I mean, it's not Gaza, it's Hertfordshire.
But, still.

So, yeah, maybe off the back of
that I have been a little...

.. brittle.

But, yeah. Let's
give it a go, yeah.

Yeah. OK.

~ Bad news, mate. ~ What?

You got a bounty on your head.

What?

Yeah, Catford mob have put a
bounty on you, mate. A grand.

~ What? ~ It can't be true -

I don't think there's a grand
in the whole of Catford.

Yeah, sorry, Warwick. That bloke
you put out of the picture -

Brother-in-law thinks he's wide.

He's not. He's just
some pub arsehole.

Apparently they got
wound up by the video.

It's up?! How did it...?
Already?

Internet, mate - It
might be the new thing?

Brilliant

I hope they put a link up to me
house on Google Maps and all.

A grand? I'd pop
you for a tenner.

Always the way, mate.

In the orchestra of life SC019
are the piccolo players -

always getting fucked
by the top brass.

Tony, that is profound...
ly shit.

Fuck off.

I'm going to put a fucking
bounty on your banter, mate.

So, Robbie, will there
be a big bastard anvil

cracking your head like a melon?

Or a Samurai sword
up your jacksie?

I'm laughing I actually
find this really funny

~ Come on, guys give me more ~ Oh,
you're definitely going to die.

Prison riot, plus it's your
last day before you head off

for weapons training, mate.
It's guaranteed.

Could it be one of those
really sad, weird ones?

Dickhead throws a brick, you
duck, wasp flies in your mouth,

stings you and your
throat closes up.

Or a nutjob ties
your dick in a knot

and you drown in piss
from the inside.

Can we get a move on? It's going
to take hours at this rate.

No drama.

Nope. No lights -
that's the order.

Looks like a long one.
Hard on the family, is it?

What are you missing
out tonight, then?

Um, feet in the foot
spa, curry on the lap.

Me? Um, Tuesdays I'm
swimming, normally.

Hey, Robbie. Got a message for you, mate.
"Good luck tonight.

"See you down the prison riot.

"I'm going to do you with a broken bottle.
Love, the Grim Reaper."

I don't understand it. Does
it mean anything to you?

You're a funny guy, ain't you

Well, police officers
are now arriving

at the Craven Wood Youth Offenders'
Institution after what we believe

to be an outbreak of rioting.

Now, Securamax - that's the
company, the security company,

that holds the contract to
police this institution -

they're the ones that called in the
police to try to calm the situation.

We've also had reports of
people being held hostage

inside the institute, but as of yet
these reports are unconfirmed.

Just to let you know, Richard wanted
to put something out on this.

You?

Or you. You were on a call.
I'm telling you now.

OK. What?

Just the line on the riot.
"We're here when needed."

Subtext - we don't have an axe
to grind on privatisation.

But, poking a cheeky nipple out
of the top of the subtext -

Do you really want to
privatise the cops?

End up with some knobhead
in a bib letting Al-Qaeda

play swing ball with a nuke
around Nelson's Column?

Please don't use the word "nipple"
around me. I find it offensive.

I'm sorry.

I'm fucking with you, Finn.
That sounds good.

I don't know. Are people going
to make the connection?

Because this is prison
privatisation - not police.

First they came for the prison
service and we didn't give a shit

because they're wankers. Then
they came for the traffic wardens

and everyone was still very
much, "Meh - fuck 'em."

And then they came for us, and there
was no-one left to give a toss.

All right, but I
only trust you, me,

or Mia to deliver that
line to the media.

Teamwork.

It's a great time to get the private
sector to back off, by the way.

Rumour has it Securamax are trying
to poach some of our top talent.

Can't have people robbing
from the police, now, can we?

Do you think I have a
particular stance?

Like, the way my knees go?
I'm distinctive, aren't I?

Not really, mate.

Just the hard-on before you shoot
unarmed members of the public.

'Trojan 133. To confirm,
lone, armed male.

'Bishop's House,
Wandsworth, third floor.

'IC1 caller described it
as an Uzi-type shotgun.'

Trojan 133. On it.

Uzi shotgun? Fucking hope not.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
A trap.

A trap - because?

Well, they're not going to hit me in
Catford, are they? It's too obvious.

Oh, right. No, sure, mate. No.

Let's, er... let's keep
an eye out on that front.

Everything seems to
be quietening down.

We think it's going
to burn itself out.

~ I don't think we have any such
intelligence. ~ That's not what I'm hearing.

Fine, well, let's just make
sure we're on the same page.

We at the Mayor's office would love
to have a clear communications

message on the root of all this.

Briefing against the
private sector -

does that look like you're
picking a fight with us?

Ah, they've twisted that.

I'll get on them. That's bad.

Thank you. Obviously, we
don't have an axe to grind,

but it would be great to get a
senior face out there just squashing

any notion that privatisation
or staffing is the root cause

of the disturbance at Crane Wood
Youth Offenders' Institution.

Agreed.

Well, I... can do that.

Securamax staffing levels are not
an issue, as far as we're aware.

~ Ma'am, the inmates say they have
the guards hostage. ~ And do they?

Well, they have people
in a secure room.

The firm say the staff are
monitoring the inmates,

but the inmates are of the view
that the staff are hostages.

~ Is it airtight? ~ It may
not be airtight, but,

I mean, what can they do -

suck all the air
out with a straw?

Fart them out?

~ What's that coming underneath the door?
~ Yeah. What is that?

'Lighter fuel. They said
it was lighter fuel.'

~ Get out of there. Get out of there.
~ Is it definitely...? Hold on.

~ 'Open the door!' ~ No.
Can you taste it?

Wait. It's water. It's water!

Oh, fuck!

Oh, good. Yeah, they're in.
That's great. Well done.

Hmm.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

And a swift end to this is
what we're all hoping for.

Lid on press. Boot up the kids.

You know, Finn,
you're all over this.

Why don't we get you
down on the scene,

make sure everything stays nice and tight?
I want my best brain on it.

And regarding this...

Interesting ideas. Let's
keep working on that.

Thank you.

Looking forward to getting your
hands on a weapon, Robbie?

Can't wait. But right now
it's all about the nuggets.

Everyone's got to do the 100
nuggets on their last day, Matt.

Right, come on. Get those
chicken arseholes down you.

Matt, a quick word?

Yeah, have a look at that first.

~ Is that it? ~ Oh, that's easy, is it?
~ Of course.

So how you doing so far
- got much usable?

Er, bits and bobs, you know.

That stuff - "Tuesday nights,
boring night" - any good to you?

Er, I don't know.
Maybe, maybe not.

Don't take the piss. That
is NOT a nugget factory.

There's nothing. I'm worried
about it, technically.

Whether it's too dark.

I'm concerned
regarding the light.

~ Mate, what? ~ Oh, fuck off, then.
~ Clarkey, what...?

Look, mate, it's Davina.

Apparently she's
got a cheeky one.

She's on a foreigner.

She's riding someone?

Yeah! And Tuesday night's
ride night, apparently.

She tells her old man
she sees her sister,

but she panicked on camera, and...
she can't even swim.

So it's a bit of an issue,
her saying swimming.

Oh, right, right.
Who's she riding?

I don't know. Some
hunk of spunk.

So, for her, can you cut it?

Mm.

Look, I mean, that's just
random nastiness now.

'The situation is definitely
tense, and it's not clear

'whether the inmates have
any specific demands.

'It's also not clear whether
the situation was made worse

'by the fact that Securamax
- now, that's the company

'in charge of running the
institute, are understaffed,

'or whether this was just a
spontaneous outbreak of violence.

Mm-hm. Yep. Yeah. Patrick and

the Mayor are very keen to be kept abreast.
Is it resolved yet?

Yes. You can tell
them I've sorted it.

Ooh. We've sorted
it, apparently.

He says, "Cool. Brilliant."

Yes, I've agreed they can have
a 24-hour titty bar and a rock

of crack the size of Gibraltar.
Is that "cool"?

No. He's joshing, Patrick.

That was... That was pure josh.

Um, but the headline is, "We'll
let you know." That was the...

that was the point of josh. We'll call you.
Cheers, mate.

'Of course, there will be an
enquiry but, at the moment,

'we cannot pinpoint any spark.
To the best of our assessment,

'Securamax were doing a
good job at this facility.'

Yeah, so he's been sounded
out to join Securamax.

'Anyone who says otherwise
really should wait..."

Charlie?

Who, Charlie?

How did you get this?

I know their head of recruitment
from business school.

Inglis has been to their Glasgow
headquarters three times.

Oh, Charlie. You've dipped
your dick in the Moulinex now.

'Thank you very much.'

Can you look after the
car, please, fellas?

Armed police! Can
you open up for me!

Everything's fine, thanks. There
was a man, but he's gone.

I'm fine now, goodbye!

I need to see you! Can you
open up for me, please?

Hello?

Armed police.

We need to search the premises.

If you do not respond we are going
to have to make a forced entry.

Can I have a word?

You all right, mate?

I've got this chair from one
of those online things.

I can't put it together. I
don't think they put er...

What's that thing that's
not a screwdriver?

An Allen key?

No, not that.

So I want to make a complaint.

~ Front door! ~ Let's have it.

I'll lock down this
whole situation, yeah?

They messed up my
prescription at Londis.

They don't pay any duty
because they're Poles.

Stop or we'll shoot!

Armed police!

Stop!

Armed police! Stop! Fuck's sake.

Come here. Come here.

Fucking arsehole.

Good luck, pal

Unarmed male heading out of
Bishop's House towards A23.

His head's not right, man.

Who? Warwick?

The bounty's given him the yips.

They've got hostages.

What are they saying?

'This is Guard Gabriel Peters.

'The message I have from the inmates
is that they wish to speak to

'Holly Willoughby.'

~ We're working on it.
~ We're working on it.

'And they want pizzas.'

Joey Barton's said on Twitter he's
willing to be an intermediary.

'They say that if
they don't get pizza,

'they will stuff one
of us with cheese

'up the anus and
cook us and eat us.'

Tell them we would advise
against eating a guard.

Look, we'll get you some pizzas.

'They say they want naan breads.
And onion bhajis.

'Hold on, I'm getting
lots of requests.

'40 bargain buckets.
20 ham and mushroom.

'Stuffed crust.'

Not stuffed crust.
That's taking the piss.

'They say no anchovies or
someone lose their finger.'

Did they say that?

'Yeah!'

OK. Sit tight. Tell them
we're sending in pizzas.

We need to make an
intervention plan.

I've received a credible threat.

Stuffing him with
cheese and eating him?

~ No cheese could realistically be
inserted up an anus. ~ I don't know.

Reckon I could do it with a wedge
of Parmesan and a lump hammer.

'Fucking hell. Fucking time wasters.
Fucking hell. Step away from the...

'Fucking. Fucking... Fucking lamppost.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck off.

'I'll be tooled up.

'I will ver-ver-verbally
dominate you...'

All right, guys?

So, listen, we were very excited

with the off-the-record
material you sent us.

~ Yeah? You liked it? ~ Oh,
we loved it, Matt. Yeah.

What we were wondering,
was whether or not

we could get hold of not just a
copy, but the original material?

~ Yeah? Why? ~ To look at it more.
Properly. The original.

I mean what were your
plans for it, Matt?

All right, look.
Here's my thinking.

I get together enough material
of Robbie off the cuff

and I basically put
together a feature.

Directed by me, produced by you.
Indie shit. Under the radar.

We break out. Sundance,
festivals, online.

Bang. The real story.

~ OK, I have a thought...
~ Yeah, I have a thought.

Cool, I'll put my
thought on ice.

My thought is this
is fucking bullshit.

You're grabbing your hair, cutting
your neck, pulling your head off

~ and going, "Look what I've
done." ~ That is a concern.

But we're happy to talk
about it, aren't we?

To be honest. No. No, I don't
want to talk about it.

I want you to delete it.

The police lay us
golden eggs every day.

Rule one - do not fuck
the golden goose.

You know, you hump the golden goose,
you're going to get golden egg

on your dick, smashed.

You know, same pipe...

probably. Isn't it?

Sure. No, I get it. Yeah.

Course you do. Because
you're a fucking grown-up.

Hey, Finn. We're about
to go into committee.

~ Everything tight? ~ Yeah, Liz.
No worries.

We on message? Situation stable.
Anything I need to know about?

No, it's definitely still
going to be all going

on here when he's in
front of the committee.

Yep. Sharon's playing a blinder.

I've got the line.

Yeah, laters.

All right, hi, sorry.

So, joint Prison Service
and Police operation

in conjunction with Securamax.
Everything's going smoothly.

And what's the timeframe.
You going in soon?

Yeah, we're going in at exactly...
Fuck off, Harry.

Operational details
are confidential.

~ But between us? ~ Can you
piss off to the pub? No.

Will we go in right away? No.
No. The assessment is not.

What's the background?

They're bad lads. But we can cope.
Off the record? Deep background.

Personal opinion - definitely
not a MET briefing -

the private outfit are
a shower of shite.

The mayor's pushing to
go in way too soon.

Good bloody job we're here to hold
things steady. But that's just me.

~ Any colour for us? ~ They want
to talk via Holly Willoughby.

~ We're sending some pizzas in.
~ What toppings?

I don't bloody know.
Martha, what toppings?

Er, a few margheritas, a
few ham and mushroom.

~ Here, feast on that, John Pilger.
~ What sort of ham?

Oh, I see. Yeah.
Regular, basic ham.

All right? We're not
pampering these lads.

Headline for me is "Cool Heads
Of Police Hold The Line."

But that's just me.

Liz.

Liz, just a quick one
on the down low.

But I'm a little bit
concerned there might be

~ an issue around Richard's health.
~ Yeah?

Yeah. He's eager to
keep something quiet.

And I think it's beholden on us,

Gaddafi's Amazon Virgins

so to speak, to try to keep him
out of stressful situations.

~ Out of stressful situations?
~ Yeah.

He's the head of
London police, Tom.

His scrotum is the
mayor's stress ball.

Your briefing notes,
Commissioner.

Commissioner. Normal
stone-wall on policy, is it?

Just facts and figures?

Yeah, just a quick one,
Charlie, in case it comes up.

~ I'm not going to find you jumping
ship in the next 12 to 18 am I? ~ Eh?

What's this nonsense?

I've signed nothing with anyone.

OK, well I'm finding this
increasingly reassuring.

What if I refuse to
incriminate myself?

What if I went a bit 1970 West
Midlands Serious Crime Squad

and asked you to come
for a walk with me?

Look, Richard, off the
record, I'm in a tough spot.

You're in situ. You're not
going anywhere, thank God.

And I don't want to go to
West Mercia, hunting paedos

and sheep rustlers,
I want the top job,

but sometimes you wonder if your
face fits, you know what I mean?

So, yes, in my shoes,
wouldn't you be tempted?

Don't play me like
a fucking prick.

I'm sorry?

I'm talking quietly now because I
do not want to lose my temper.

Well, I appreciate that.

We put you up to deliver a line
which backed a private company,

who in my personal opinion are
a bunch of trouser-stuffing,

arse-licking, penny-pinching
clown-fuckers,

and they want to come after a
slice of my pie, all right?

~ Well, I think that's a bit harsh.
~ Yeah, well.

You were the face of this force.

~ What if you go and someone makes the
link? ~ That's not going to happen.

Thanks for looking into
your crystal fucking ball.

But why don't you sit on it?
Cos here's the thing -

I'm on 24-hour-a-day
storm watch, yeah?

I sleep like a cokey meerkat on an
electric fence - that's me relaxing.

I've got a map inside my head
of all the trouble in the world

and you just popped up on the
radar like Godzilla's hard-on.

And I will cut you loose
and watch you burn if you

ever, ever fuck me again,
Charlie, all right?

Commissioner. How are you?

Your boys took a bit of a beating
in mid-week, didn't they?

Have you got your
shin pads, Charlie.

Deputy mayor's mob need
you for centre-half.

Yeah.

Break-out. Inmates are through in a
cordon and heading for perimeter.

We're launching the drone
for perimeter surveillance.

Drone now activated.
And airborne.

Nugget 41.

Oh, the 42nd nugget is
the hardest nugget.

They call that one The Wall.

'All TSG units. Break-out
assistance required.'

464. Got it. That's us.

~ Break-out. ~ All right,
you heard the man.

Are you serious?
I'm on 42 nuggets.

That's got to be at least two chickens.
I'm halfway!

Break-out, break-out, break-out.
Perimeter fence north.

Ten or more young
offenders over the fence.

Repeat - break-out, break-out, break-out.
Perimeter fence north.

IC1, IC3, IC4 males
scattering now.

Breaking north, east and west.
Immediate action. All TSG...

Good afternoon, Commissioner.

And welcome to the Mayor's
Committee on London Policing.

And can I just start by asking you
to acknowledge that the great

force you lead today probably
commands less trust than it

has ever commanded in
its whole history?

It's very nice to see you too.

And given that state of affairs,
as most people see them,

can I just ask your personal
opinion on some police functions

being operated under
contract by private firms?

You'll understand if I don't
get into policy discussions.

And is that just your
fancy way of saying no?

Because this committee is tired
of you saying one thing in public

and another in private.

Oosh! That's what
I said to my ex.

I made him cry in the end.

If you want an example
of us doing our job

and the private
sector doing theirs,

~ then Craven Wood at this
very minute... ~ Yes.

Are you aware there's been a
break-out through police lines

at Craven Wood Youth
Offenders Institution?

~ Is that true? Why don't
we know that? ~ Uh...

I can't comment on
operational matters.

No.

Why hasn't this prison
riot been resolved yet?

Well, I think I
just answered that.

That's like a
French 14-year-old.

Are you perhaps letting this
disturbance continue today

in order to pursue a personal
campaign against privatisation

in the public service?

~ No. ~ Got to hit back on that.

Right, we're off perimeter and
looking for the break-out.

Don't know who or how many,
so take it easy, yeah? Pairs.

Robbie, wait up!

Yeah, jog on!

Yeah, Robbie. I reckon I know
how you're going to die.

Shitting a chicken torpedo.

Commissioner, privatisation
of non-core operations

will make your force more efficient.
And if you don't embrace it, well,

police stations will
close under your tenure.

Police officers will lose their
jobs and all because you refuse

to allow your force to move
into the current century.

And I think it's time you
stepped up or stepped down.

I'm sorry, do you
want me to respond?

I didn't think there
was a question there.

Funny?

No.

Fuck. Matt!

Matt... Matt, hel...
Matt, help me!

Argh!

Boom! Sit down.

On the floor. Hands out.
There we go, sunshine.

I fucking have you.

Argh!

Thanks for helping me!

Move the fucking camera!

Jesus Christ.

Very well handled.
Couple of issues.

He shafted me with
a scaffold pole.

Just have a few deep
breaths, Commissioner.

Shut up, you fucking yoghurt.

Nothing personal, Richard. It's
just the agenda. No offence.

Well, it's fine, Grant.
None taken.

It's just a situation.
It will pass. Relax.

Relax? Here's what I want done.

I want Grant Delgado stripped jack
naked and I want his bollocks nailed

to the wall and I want to see him
spin by them like a Catherine Wheel.

~ No. ~ I should have
been prepared for that.

~ I tried to prepare you.
~ Not enough.

There's a couple of kids who
need medical attention at

the Institution, sir. Sharon wanted
to let you know we're going in.

If you go in now it looks like
you're caving to Grant. Yeah?

So we let the kids bleed
out for the big win?

~ I'm just telling you how it will play.
~ Thank you.

We're going in.

I was filming, mate.
Doing my job.

It was two against one.
We could have had him.

I'm not a cop. It was one
against one, and one other one.

First rule of Fight Club, if there's
a fight, you're in the Fight Club.

So start punching someone,
you fucking bitch.

David Attenborough wouldn't

stop filming to help an antelope
getting mashed up by a lion.

But he wasn't a lion.
I'm the lion.

And I was doing my job.

A proper job.

What?

This is a proper job.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, course it is.
What, media wanker, is it?

Don't worry about us. We're just
the meat you throw in the machine,

we're the ones who
get chewed up.

"Oh, look there's a gap in the wall,
there's shit pouring through.

"Don't worry, we'll just stuff
some fucking cop in there."

If I get my spare battery,
could you say that again?

All right. Tornado have requested
assistance. Joint operation.

Full kit, long shields.

Brass are sending us in.

Well, I guess this is it, Rob.

You're bound to cark
it - sod's law.

Hope you don't mind if Clarkey
isn't a coffin-bearer.

Yeah, dicky back.

Plus, I never liked you.

Finn, Richard got side-swiped. He
got fucked by a big, boring ninja.

'Yeah, uh-huh?'

Listen, the line to take on Grant
Delgado is that he's anti-cop.

That he's lost it. That
he's a bottom feeder.

Hold on a second.

~ Hello? ~ 'Yeah, hello.
Ms Garvey?'

~ Yeah, who is this? ~ Just want to
let you know it's been a great day.

Thanks for putting the
shooting out there.

And I've got a bounty on me head
now, so that's exciting, isn't it?

Yeah, if I go down, well...

you've got blood on your
hands, haven't you?

So, yeah, have a good one.
All right? Cheerio.

Right you are. We're on it.

So we've got an injured
horse in Dulwich Park.

Vet's stuck in the
south circular.

Yeah, we're going James
Herriot death squad.

Spring Watch 2 - The Reckoning.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.

I honestly didn't
think she'd come.

Will you just say
sorry to them for me?

No, she's fine, she's nice.

Stop laughing. I like her, I do.

I'll just tell her that
Gina's birthday's cancelled.

I'll have a lunch with
her or something.

We'll have an Evian and talk
about 360-degree communication.

Yeah. All right, then.

Reporting restrictions are in place
regarding the ongoing operation

here at the Craven Wood
Youth Offenders Institute.

What's going on, Finn?

~ Where are my pictures?
We're going in, yeah? ~ Yes.

Yes, so I want to see our
guys doing their stuff.

'I need the world to see us saving the day
from these Securamax pillow-fuckers.'

Yeah? Let a news crew film the
preparation for a live operation?

I really need it, Finn. Help
me out on this one, yeah?

What, so inside they can
get the garrottes ready?

I think they know
we're coming, so...

This is operationally
sensitive, Liz.

My, what big words you use.

I want those pictures.

No, I'm on the ground.
I'm making a call.

Yeah, and I am the boss and
this day has been fucked

and I want my
going-home present.

And so does Richard, so fucking deliver.
Good night.

With reports of serious
injuries inside,

it looks like the authorities
are saying enough is enough.

From the north, Team Tornado are
coming in and behind me here

you can see the Police
Territorial Support Group...

'And behind me here you can see the
Police Territorial Support Group

'gearing up for
an intervention.'

Fucking baton bullshit.

This time tomorrow, it'll
be bullets all the way.

No tomorrow for you, mate.

They're gonna shave you
and shag you to death.

OK, visors down. Keep it tight.
Work as a team.

In we go.

Police sources are telling us
that because of their tactics

and their expertise, they don't
really think many of the inmates

are going to put up much
of a fight, if any at all.

Come on!

Come on, then!

Come on!

Here we go!

Reports of friction over

the timing of this operation between
the police and the Home Office

have been described as
"way off the mark".

Meanwhile, I am assured that the
violence now has been subdued

and what's happening right now

is being described as "mopping
up the last trouble-makers".

Forward!

Forward!

Ow! Fuck!

Man down! Rob's going down!

~ You all right, Robbie? You all right?
~ Yeah! Course.

Get back! Get back!

Stay down.

Police sources have assured
me that the operation

has been swift and effective.

As order is restored
here at the facility,

a growing number of critics

are already saying that today's
events call into question any future

plans for more private prisons and
crucially, more private policing.

Fuck yes!

Let's take the
trigger to trigger.

Tesco's! Incoming delivery!

I hope it doesn't
give me long face.

Look are we doing this?
Yea or "nei-ei-eigh?"

No need to shoot the stable door

after the, er, horse
has been bolted.

Hmm...

Nah, no.

I can see what you're going
for, and fair dos, but...

no.

So, Warwick. Are you all
right to slot the gee-gee?

Tony don't fancy it.

~ Yeah. ~ Probably
one of his exes.

Got to know her on a dark
night on the Highlands

over a can of Tennent's Super
and a deep-fried ketamine.

Yeah, all right. Sure.

This should do it.

A fucking horse, though?

A horse is a thing, mate. That's
the problem, shooting things.

Good man. How did it feel?

Yeah. Just...

Nothing.

~ Exactly. ~ Precisely.

Well, guess this is
farewell, dickheads.

We're so happy
you're pissing off

~ we got you a "thank God you're
pissing off" present. ~ Yeah?

Oh, I love it.

~ Come here. ~ Good luck, mate.
~ Cheers.

Good luck, fanny-face.

~ Cheers, mate. ~ Yeah, very nice.
Can't wait to see you down training.

~ Filming you with your Glock in your hand?
~ Is that right?

Don't say anything.
Have a think.

Oh, I've had a think
and I'm thinking...

fuck you!

See you later, Mr Bystander!

~ Nobbo! ~ Come on, you faggot!
Let's get you down to the pub, hey?

I thought you were gonna
leave me in there.

~ They'd have had you.
~ I know. I know.

~ Look, I had a word with Matt. I
think we're safe. ~ Good. ~ Yeah.

But let's just give it
a miss tonight, eh?

All right, dickhead?

You all right, knobhead?

~ You not seeing your sister?
~ No.

No, too late.

Who's that? Did you
buzz anyone in?

You didn't?

Hello? Who's that?

Delivery.

Hold on, mate.

How'd you get in? Who
the fuck are you?

~ Who sent you? ~ Warwick! Warwick!
It's OK, I buzzed him in.

I'm sorry. The lads
said it was a surprise.

Erm...

Here, take that.

Sorry, mate.

Oh, fuck. Fucking hilarious.

So, how do we think
it went today?

Tough committee hearing.

But police pulled the fat out of the
fire at the riots. Good pictures.

No comeback to the Deputy Mayor.
Nice move.

Well, we could have emptied the
files, but we're not the Stasi, so...

No. We're the holy choir of
St Fuck Us Please Priory.

We tell the truth.

And we tell the truth
and we tell the truth.

We're playing the long game.

Fucking long. When do we
get the reward, in heaven?

"Here lies Richard Miller,
disgraced in his lifetime,

"now well respected here
on Moon Base Alpha."

I don't know how long, but I
know it's the only game in town.

Trust is all you have and it
leaks and it leaks and it leaks

and it never comes back, and one
day, if you piss it all away,

you put your foot on the gas
and there'll be nothing.

Doors won't open. Mouths stay shut
and then the whole thing collapses.

Liz, your transparency bollocks
put officers in danger today.

Finn, you lack focus.

You let your emotions
override your decision-making

and if you were any good you
would have my job. Richard?

I'll walk you out.

You're a fake. You took my
tip on Inglis and Securamax

and passed it off as your own.

Don't stay too late
tonight, will you?

I am sure your wife is fucking
everyone in your sad, little village.

Thanks. She's fictional, so...

That figures.

~ Good night. ~ Good night.

The deputy mayor hurt
me this afternoon, Liz.

We can't have many
days like today.

You can't stop bad news, Richard.
I thought we agreed on that?

Do you know what 98%
right is in here?

Big fucking story in the 2%.
Huge.

We have to get it all
right, all the time.

We can't relaunch,
move to India.

We have to repair the engine while
it's still running at full throttle.

We have to change
and stay the same.

That's obviously impossible.

Oh, yeah, it's impossible. No-one
tell you that at the interview?

It's definitely
fucking impossible.

'Yo, it's Granger. You
know what to do.'

Hi, Granger, you big dope.
It's Liz.

Garvey.

I know that we haven't spoken
for years, but, erm...

I just wanted to
call to say hello.

So... hello.

And, erm, give me a
call some time, maybe.

Or not.

Don't. Probably.

OK, bye.

♪ My lifestyle's terribly wild

♪ But you'll never catch
me on The Jeremy Kyle Show

♪ Explosive, terrorist style

♪ Don't think I'mma blow
or get in therapy now

♪ I missed school and I
haven't got a job yet

♪ My girl's pissed, my
daughter's on the way

♪ I went clubbing till
my world was revolving

♪ Pretty women and alcohol, eh

♪ I ride this motherfucking
beat like a tractor

♪ I ride this motherfucking
beat like a train

♪ Choo-choo, go hard,
go faster... ♪