Baby Daddy (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript
Twenty-something Ben decides to give parenting a shot.
Huh? Amazing, right?
- Yeah.
- Bathroom.
Bedrooms.
Nice.
Views of other
bedrooms and bathrooms.
I really appreciate you
letting me crash here, bud.
Are you kidding?
You're doing us a favor.
No flush Tony
just moved out last week.
You're sure this
isn't a problem?
Seriously, the best day
of my life
was when I heard you got
traded to the rangers.
You're family. My place
is your place, man.
Technically, it's my place.
Okay, and next time I say,
"hey, let me
help you with that,"
let's try
"no thanks, I got it."
You look like an eater.
So, just so we're clear,
the left side
of the fridge is mine.
( Knocks on door )
I got it.
Tucker, come on.
My brother
and my best friend--
It's never gonna get
any better than this.
The three of us together,
there's nothing
that's gonna stop us.
Except for maybe that.
There's a baby on my doormat.
♪ it's amazing how
the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life
and change directions. ♪
where did it come from?
Danny: I don't know.
But whoever left it,
they couldn't have gotten far.
Stay there, baby.
Make sure she stays there!
I'm just saying,
for a woman who
just had a baby,
she moves remarkably fast.
How could she just
leave her here?
Ben, you gotta calm down, okay?
I'm sure she's not even
your baby.
Exactly, it could
just as easily
be your baby, right?
Not so much, no.
And I've only been
in town an hour.
I mean, I'm fast, but...
I'm not that fast.
This is not my baby.
Wait, wait, wait!
Guys, we got a note.
Her name's Emma.
I don't know any Emmas.
The baby's name is Emma.
Hi, Emma.
Hey, Ben.
Did I ever tell you
about that hot waitress
I went out with named Emma?
Danny, focus!
The mother.
- Oh, yeah.
- Who's the mother?
Sorry, um,
Angela.
Ben and Tucker: Angela!
- Of course.
- That's right.
Who is Angela?
She was nice. Actress.
That girl was crazy.
Does it say anything else?
Uh, she's sorry.
She didn't know
what else to do.
And she just needs
a little time.
Time? How much time?!
( Knocks on door )
And that would be
the perfect amount of time.
Oh.
That's Riley.
I gave her a call
while you were outside.
Riley?
Fatpants Perrin?
What's she doing here?
You have a friend
named Fatpants?
Oh, I'm definitely
marking my food.
No.
Riley's in law school now.
It took her a while.
I guess the LSAT's
kind of tricky,
but trust me, she will
know what to do.
Ri-Gantor?
Ben-wetter!
Look at you.
You look amazing.
How did that happen?
I may have lost a pound or two.
Hundred.
You sat on my head and gave me
a concussion, remember?
Tuck, Riley.
Riley, Tucker.
Hi.
Riley grew up across
the street from us
and used to kick
the crap out of Ben
every day of his life.
Oh, and congrats
on the law school thing.
- Thanks.
- Don't worry--I know a bunch
of people that had
a hard time getting in.
- Ow, ow, ow, ow!
- Why did you tell him that?
( Baby cries )
I didn't do anything.
Oh.
Hey.
Hey, it's okay, princess.
Aren't you gonna pick her up?
Me?
What, you guys see breasts
and instantly think mommy?
( Chuckling )
Okay, fine.
Hi.
Okay.
Come here, angel.
Oh.
( Chuckles )
Hi.
Believe me,
I know how scary it is
to wake up
in a strange place.
I'm just making conversation.
Are you hungry?
I bet you're hungry, huh?
Let's see
what you got--
Is this all you
brought with you?
Oh, well, that's okay.
We'll just send
one of these boys out
for provisions and--
Oh...
I think somebody
needs her diaper changed.
I'll go to the store.
Yeah, I'm going, too.
No.
( Grunts )
Boys are so stupid,
aren't they?
Yes, they are.
They're so stupid.
Yes, they are.
All right, so then you just
stick the tabs down,
and voila,
she's good to go.
Oh.
Hold her while
I get her bottle ready,
- would you?
- Uh, me?
I'm not really a baby person.
Hold her.
( Murmurs )
Whee!
Isn't this fun?
There you go.
All right.
Want to maybe, uh,
take a step over here?
Is she okay?
Uh-huh.
Have a seat.
Oh.
Nice and easy.
Ah.
Is she having fun?
Yeah.
You guys look comfy.
I can't believe
this is happening.
I'm not ready to be a dad.
What if Angela
never comes back?
Oh, my God, taste this.
Yo.
Chicken, carrots, and pasta.
Okay?
All in this little jar.
( Laughs )
It's like, gross,
yet oddly delicious.
( Mouths word )
Come on, man.
It's gonna be okay.
How do you know?
I don't, but it's all I got.
Excuse me,
how old is your baby?
Oh, um...
That's a good question.
I met Angela at that
party in the village...
- Mm.
- And we dated for maybe six weeks
before we were...
Intimate.
And she broke up with me
pretty much right after that.
I'm sure there was
no correlation.
So, we're into August now,
and they take,
like, nine months
once they're up and running.
I think so.
So...
( Sighs )
Three months.
Three months!
My baby's three months old.
Mm-mm.
- Put this back.
- What?
She ain't got no teeth.
Put it back.
( Softly murmurs )
So, the first thing
Ben has to do
is take a paternity test.
( Mouths words )
I mean,
though it's pretty obvious
she's his.
Same smile,
same ears,
same little sparkly
fleck of yellow
in the iris.
What?
Do I have something in my nose?
I know you guys think
that's funny,
but it's not.
You like Ben.
( Scoffs )
What?
No, that's insane.
I've tormented the guy
every day of my life.
Holy crap!
You really do like Ben.
We're back.
Hey. Ben,
you're not gonna believe
what Riley was just--
- Aah!
- How'd it go?
You guys left
and I realized I should have
given you a list.
Why? I mean,
everyone knows
you're not supposed to
give a baby solid food
until it's at least
four months old
and sitting up on its own.
That woman was mean.
I think we're all done here.
Oh, all right.
Just one good belch
and she's done.
I think you can
handle this part.
What, me? Right now?
Are you sure?
Hey, Tucker?
Oh, okay.
- Great. Danny?
- Yeah?
- You're in charge.
- Wait.
You're not leaving, are you?
- Yes.
- No, I'll be good. I promise.
I showed you
how to do everything.
Yeah, but I wasn't
paying attention.
You can't go.
Ben, tell Riley she can't go.
- You can't go.
- Bye.
Ooh, wow, Ben.
I never noticed how sparkly
your eyes are.
Please, Riley.
We'll never make it
through the night
without you.
( Mouths words )
Fine.
I'll stay.
( Sighs )
( Baby spits up )
See? That's what
I'm talking about.
( Chuckles )
Right?
Hey, she didn't spit up
on my shirt though, did she?
- No, looks good.
- No, no, you're great.
Brand new, bud.
Good. All right.
I should be back by five.
Wait. Where
are you going?
Uh, work.
I got a shift.
Wait, you couldn't get anyone
to cover for you?
Oh, see, that would have
been a good idea.
Too late now.
No, wait, bro.
Tuck and I are not
watching your kid.
Yeah. ( Chuckles )
The big guy's right.
I mean, there is no--
Hey!
Thanks, man.
See you!
How does this
keep happening to me?
Whoa.
( Chuckles )
Oh.
Wow. Very impressive.
And who said you had
no discernable skills?
I think that was you.
( Sighs ) Riley,
what am I supposed to do?
Well, there's not really
that much we can do
until Angela comes back.
But I think we should
probably talk about
the elephant in the room.
Which for once isn't me.
( Chuckles )
How much do you
want to be involved?
I don't know what I want.
Last year, I was
doing construction.
Before that,
I was waiting tables.
Now I'm flipping bottles.
I haven't figured
my life out yet.
I'm not you.
What does that mean?
Oh! ( Scoffs )
Come on.
College,
law school, this...
Transformation.
You see what you want
and you go for it.
Yeah.
Not always.
Oh!
Ice down my bra.
( Sighs )
- Hey.
- ( Cell phone beeps )
I'm really sorry
I sat on your head
all those times.
Angela's back.
I'm on break, man.
I'm sorry I sat on your head.
Smooth move, Fatpants.
( Quietly ) Yes.
Where is she?
Where's Angela?
First of all,
she woke up the baby.
Second, she wanted me
to give you that envelope.
You let her leave?
What's the matter with you?
Oh, I'm sorry.
My bad, but I was
a little preoccupied
raising your child.
Read it. I think
you'll be happy.
They're adoption papers.
She's putting Emma
up for adoption
and she needs me
to relinquish my rights.
If I sign this,
I'm not a father anymore.
Amazing, right?
Well, see, I'm not the only one
who's excited.
Yay! Whoo!
So, I sign this
and Emma has a new daddy?
Pretty much.
The letter says
they already have
a family lined up.
( Knocks on door )
If I do this,
if I let her go,
I don't want to hear about it.
I never want to talk
about it again, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
Where is my precious
little grandbaby?
Mom, what are you doing here?
I'm a grandma!
( Laughs )
- Hey, ma.
- Aah!
What is she doing here?
Did you tell her?
I didn't even tell her
I was here.
Oh, I'll get to you.
Oh.
Hi.
Oh, she is just
a big ol' pile of love.
Yeah, I really don't
think that's love
that you're smelling.
Okay, who wants
to explain to me
why I had to hear
that I was a grandma
while I was
getting my nails done?
That Jennifer Perrin
couldn't wait
to let me have it.
Ever since that
Fatpants daughter of hers
got into law school
she's just--
Hi, Riley.
I didn't see you there.
You're so thin now,
you should wear a bell.
Oh.
Is this duct tape?
We were having a closure issue.
Oh, what, you couldn't
find a stapler?
Honestly.
I can't sign those papers now.
It's not gonna happen.
Hey, don't worry about mom.
You gotta do
what you think is right.
I'll totally back you up.
What papers?
You're on your own, bro.
( Sighs )
Mom...
I have some news.
Yeah. You knocked up
some girl
because you couldn't
figure out the basics
of birth control.
We're past that, honey, okay?
( Sighs )
Mrs. Wheeler?
Bonnie.
- Really?
- Mrs. Wheeler.
Emma's mom wants to put
Emma up for adoption
and for Ben
to sign away his rights.
Really?
So you're--
you're thinking about
giving up this little girl?
Yeah, I was thinking about it.
Oh, good.
( Sighing and laughing )
Good-- what do you
mean, good?
Oh, Ben, honey.
You can't begin to understand
the kind of sacrifice it takes
to be a parent.
When I married your father,
and I had you two,
I had to put my dreams on hold.
- What dreams?
- Being single and childless.
Ben...
Honey, I love you,
but you can't raise
this little girl.
You haven't even finished
raising yourself.
You can't cook,
you're barely
paying your bills...
Honey, I still buy your pants.
This baby
needs a grown-up.
You gotta sign those papers.
9 am.
She'll be ready.
( Phone beeps )
Done.
Somebody from
the adoption agency
will be here first thing
in the morning.
You okay?
Yeah, why wouldn't I be?
Ben, if you don't
want to do this, man--
It doesn't matter.
Mom was right.
I couldn't raise this baby
even if I wanted to.
Bro, it's going to be okay.
It happened,
you dealt with it,
and now, like you said,
we're never talking
about this again.
I could have been a model.
But you've seen
your uncle Danny.
Yeah.
No body could
recover from that.
He was so big,
I had to have
a "c," "d," and "e" section.
No, don't.
I swear to God.
- Okay. Okay.
- No, I will hurt you.
Okay.
So...
Did you always like Ben?
Oh, my God, you're obsessed.
( Laughing )
I don't know.
Kind of.
Guess I always thought
maybe someday,
but back then I just figured
I was too fat,
or too--
loud, or too hairy, or--
Okay, we're not making a list.
Well, you've grown
to be a beautiful
and successful woman--
I think you can
safely move on
from Ben Wheeler.
Why would I want to do that?
Uh, did you miss
the part in the story
about the baby?
The baby he doesn't
want to give up?
If that's true, then why
did he make that call?
Because his entire family
is telling him he can't do it.
If nobody believes in him,
how can he believe in himself?
He can't do it alone.
You don't know that.
( Cell phone beeps )
Oh, it's Ben.
Your mom's about
to leave him alone
with the baby.
You're going?
"Alone" is in all caps.
Ow! Ow!
What was that for?
For making me
talk about my feelings.
You know I hate that.
And go easy on your brother,
okay?
He looks up to you.
In his eyes,
you have everything.
Not everything.
( Bell dings )
Wait, wait, wait!
- Wait.
- Oh, my God.
You-- you gotta
give me a minute.
( Panting )
Maybe now I know
why I was traded.
You were right.
I didn't believe in him.
I didn't think he could do it.
So why are you telling me?
Because...
If you go in there
and help him,
he'll never believe
in himself, either.
Riley, Riley,
Riley, Riley, please?
She's hungry,
or thirsty, or tired.
I don't know,
I don't speak baby.
( Elevator dings )
Tuck.
What is going on?
Vanessa and I
were at the movies
when Ben called and said
Emma's having
some kind of meltdown.
I don't think
Emma's the problem.
Tucker, I swear
if you're not home
in two seconds...
I'm gonna eat all your food.
Tucker?!
( Groans )
( Cell phone ringing )
Okay!
Turn it off!
( Cell phone
continues ringing )
( Emma murmurs )
Okay.
So, it looks like
it's just gonna be
you and me, huh?
Guess we're really
gonna do this thing.
Okay.
Okay, Emma, hi.
Hi, baby.
Come on, it's okay.
Please don't break,
please don't break,
please don't break.
Okay.
Okay. It's okay.
- It's okay.
- ( Emma cries )
It's okay.
It's okay, Emma.
Daddy's here.
It's okay.
( Yelps )
( Emma cries )
Aah.
It's okay.
I'm telling you,
there is no way.
Bodily functions
make him queasy.
He can do it.
Where's your faith, man.
See?
Here you go.
There.
Okay.
Hi. Hi.
Hi.
Emma?
( Sighs )
Please eat.
Come on, Emma.
Look, look, Emma, it's good.
It's good.
Mmm.
Oh, total lie.
It's actually quite disgusting.
No wonder you don't
want to eat.
Please eat.
Come on, Emma.
Just a sip, okay?
( Fusses )
Come on.
Okay, come on.
- ( Crying )
- Come on, you have to eat.
I'm begging you.
Come--
( fusses )
( Murmuring )
What?
You like that?
Look what daddy can do.
Huh?
I do this at work every day.
Huh?
You want some now?
You want some?
Here it comes.
Here it comes, baby.
( Laughs )
Oh, my God, you're eating.
Thank you so much.
( Cries )
Holy crap,
now I'm crying.
( Chuckles )
Crap. Don't say crap.
Don't use swear words.
( Laughs )
Oh, I can't believe
you're eating.
( Chuckles )
You're so cute.
Hey, wake up.
Dude, you're drooling on me.
Oh.
Ahh...
Boo!
Ooh.
( Ben mimicking monkey )
Hey.
Hey. You okay?
Yeah.
I think I want to do this.
I can't let her go.
I love her.
Did you guys hear me?
Yeah.
Yeah, we heard you.
You should probably
call the agency.
It's almost 7:00.
Come on, mi amor.
Here we go.
Ooh, somebody could use a bath.
Oh. You both could.
I'm gonna go get a bottle ready.
But I want to give
it to her, okay?
We're really gonna have to get
on some kind of schedule though.
- For real.
- What do you mean?
Well, we have a
baby now so I mean,
we kind of have to be adults.
Ben: Okay. I'll do the shopping.
Tucker: Okay, but
let's talk about...
- Yeah.
- Bathroom.
Bedrooms.
Nice.
Views of other
bedrooms and bathrooms.
I really appreciate you
letting me crash here, bud.
Are you kidding?
You're doing us a favor.
No flush Tony
just moved out last week.
You're sure this
isn't a problem?
Seriously, the best day
of my life
was when I heard you got
traded to the rangers.
You're family. My place
is your place, man.
Technically, it's my place.
Okay, and next time I say,
"hey, let me
help you with that,"
let's try
"no thanks, I got it."
You look like an eater.
So, just so we're clear,
the left side
of the fridge is mine.
( Knocks on door )
I got it.
Tucker, come on.
My brother
and my best friend--
It's never gonna get
any better than this.
The three of us together,
there's nothing
that's gonna stop us.
Except for maybe that.
There's a baby on my doormat.
♪ it's amazing how
the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life
and change directions. ♪
where did it come from?
Danny: I don't know.
But whoever left it,
they couldn't have gotten far.
Stay there, baby.
Make sure she stays there!
I'm just saying,
for a woman who
just had a baby,
she moves remarkably fast.
How could she just
leave her here?
Ben, you gotta calm down, okay?
I'm sure she's not even
your baby.
Exactly, it could
just as easily
be your baby, right?
Not so much, no.
And I've only been
in town an hour.
I mean, I'm fast, but...
I'm not that fast.
This is not my baby.
Wait, wait, wait!
Guys, we got a note.
Her name's Emma.
I don't know any Emmas.
The baby's name is Emma.
Hi, Emma.
Hey, Ben.
Did I ever tell you
about that hot waitress
I went out with named Emma?
Danny, focus!
The mother.
- Oh, yeah.
- Who's the mother?
Sorry, um,
Angela.
Ben and Tucker: Angela!
- Of course.
- That's right.
Who is Angela?
She was nice. Actress.
That girl was crazy.
Does it say anything else?
Uh, she's sorry.
She didn't know
what else to do.
And she just needs
a little time.
Time? How much time?!
( Knocks on door )
And that would be
the perfect amount of time.
Oh.
That's Riley.
I gave her a call
while you were outside.
Riley?
Fatpants Perrin?
What's she doing here?
You have a friend
named Fatpants?
Oh, I'm definitely
marking my food.
No.
Riley's in law school now.
It took her a while.
I guess the LSAT's
kind of tricky,
but trust me, she will
know what to do.
Ri-Gantor?
Ben-wetter!
Look at you.
You look amazing.
How did that happen?
I may have lost a pound or two.
Hundred.
You sat on my head and gave me
a concussion, remember?
Tuck, Riley.
Riley, Tucker.
Hi.
Riley grew up across
the street from us
and used to kick
the crap out of Ben
every day of his life.
Oh, and congrats
on the law school thing.
- Thanks.
- Don't worry--I know a bunch
of people that had
a hard time getting in.
- Ow, ow, ow, ow!
- Why did you tell him that?
( Baby cries )
I didn't do anything.
Oh.
Hey.
Hey, it's okay, princess.
Aren't you gonna pick her up?
Me?
What, you guys see breasts
and instantly think mommy?
( Chuckling )
Okay, fine.
Hi.
Okay.
Come here, angel.
Oh.
( Chuckles )
Hi.
Believe me,
I know how scary it is
to wake up
in a strange place.
I'm just making conversation.
Are you hungry?
I bet you're hungry, huh?
Let's see
what you got--
Is this all you
brought with you?
Oh, well, that's okay.
We'll just send
one of these boys out
for provisions and--
Oh...
I think somebody
needs her diaper changed.
I'll go to the store.
Yeah, I'm going, too.
No.
( Grunts )
Boys are so stupid,
aren't they?
Yes, they are.
They're so stupid.
Yes, they are.
All right, so then you just
stick the tabs down,
and voila,
she's good to go.
Oh.
Hold her while
I get her bottle ready,
- would you?
- Uh, me?
I'm not really a baby person.
Hold her.
( Murmurs )
Whee!
Isn't this fun?
There you go.
All right.
Want to maybe, uh,
take a step over here?
Is she okay?
Uh-huh.
Have a seat.
Oh.
Nice and easy.
Ah.
Is she having fun?
Yeah.
You guys look comfy.
I can't believe
this is happening.
I'm not ready to be a dad.
What if Angela
never comes back?
Oh, my God, taste this.
Yo.
Chicken, carrots, and pasta.
Okay?
All in this little jar.
( Laughs )
It's like, gross,
yet oddly delicious.
( Mouths word )
Come on, man.
It's gonna be okay.
How do you know?
I don't, but it's all I got.
Excuse me,
how old is your baby?
Oh, um...
That's a good question.
I met Angela at that
party in the village...
- Mm.
- And we dated for maybe six weeks
before we were...
Intimate.
And she broke up with me
pretty much right after that.
I'm sure there was
no correlation.
So, we're into August now,
and they take,
like, nine months
once they're up and running.
I think so.
So...
( Sighs )
Three months.
Three months!
My baby's three months old.
Mm-mm.
- Put this back.
- What?
She ain't got no teeth.
Put it back.
( Softly murmurs )
So, the first thing
Ben has to do
is take a paternity test.
( Mouths words )
I mean,
though it's pretty obvious
she's his.
Same smile,
same ears,
same little sparkly
fleck of yellow
in the iris.
What?
Do I have something in my nose?
I know you guys think
that's funny,
but it's not.
You like Ben.
( Scoffs )
What?
No, that's insane.
I've tormented the guy
every day of my life.
Holy crap!
You really do like Ben.
We're back.
Hey. Ben,
you're not gonna believe
what Riley was just--
- Aah!
- How'd it go?
You guys left
and I realized I should have
given you a list.
Why? I mean,
everyone knows
you're not supposed to
give a baby solid food
until it's at least
four months old
and sitting up on its own.
That woman was mean.
I think we're all done here.
Oh, all right.
Just one good belch
and she's done.
I think you can
handle this part.
What, me? Right now?
Are you sure?
Hey, Tucker?
Oh, okay.
- Great. Danny?
- Yeah?
- You're in charge.
- Wait.
You're not leaving, are you?
- Yes.
- No, I'll be good. I promise.
I showed you
how to do everything.
Yeah, but I wasn't
paying attention.
You can't go.
Ben, tell Riley she can't go.
- You can't go.
- Bye.
Ooh, wow, Ben.
I never noticed how sparkly
your eyes are.
Please, Riley.
We'll never make it
through the night
without you.
( Mouths words )
Fine.
I'll stay.
( Sighs )
( Baby spits up )
See? That's what
I'm talking about.
( Chuckles )
Right?
Hey, she didn't spit up
on my shirt though, did she?
- No, looks good.
- No, no, you're great.
Brand new, bud.
Good. All right.
I should be back by five.
Wait. Where
are you going?
Uh, work.
I got a shift.
Wait, you couldn't get anyone
to cover for you?
Oh, see, that would have
been a good idea.
Too late now.
No, wait, bro.
Tuck and I are not
watching your kid.
Yeah. ( Chuckles )
The big guy's right.
I mean, there is no--
Hey!
Thanks, man.
See you!
How does this
keep happening to me?
Whoa.
( Chuckles )
Oh.
Wow. Very impressive.
And who said you had
no discernable skills?
I think that was you.
( Sighs ) Riley,
what am I supposed to do?
Well, there's not really
that much we can do
until Angela comes back.
But I think we should
probably talk about
the elephant in the room.
Which for once isn't me.
( Chuckles )
How much do you
want to be involved?
I don't know what I want.
Last year, I was
doing construction.
Before that,
I was waiting tables.
Now I'm flipping bottles.
I haven't figured
my life out yet.
I'm not you.
What does that mean?
Oh! ( Scoffs )
Come on.
College,
law school, this...
Transformation.
You see what you want
and you go for it.
Yeah.
Not always.
Oh!
Ice down my bra.
( Sighs )
- Hey.
- ( Cell phone beeps )
I'm really sorry
I sat on your head
all those times.
Angela's back.
I'm on break, man.
I'm sorry I sat on your head.
Smooth move, Fatpants.
( Quietly ) Yes.
Where is she?
Where's Angela?
First of all,
she woke up the baby.
Second, she wanted me
to give you that envelope.
You let her leave?
What's the matter with you?
Oh, I'm sorry.
My bad, but I was
a little preoccupied
raising your child.
Read it. I think
you'll be happy.
They're adoption papers.
She's putting Emma
up for adoption
and she needs me
to relinquish my rights.
If I sign this,
I'm not a father anymore.
Amazing, right?
Well, see, I'm not the only one
who's excited.
Yay! Whoo!
So, I sign this
and Emma has a new daddy?
Pretty much.
The letter says
they already have
a family lined up.
( Knocks on door )
If I do this,
if I let her go,
I don't want to hear about it.
I never want to talk
about it again, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
Where is my precious
little grandbaby?
Mom, what are you doing here?
I'm a grandma!
( Laughs )
- Hey, ma.
- Aah!
What is she doing here?
Did you tell her?
I didn't even tell her
I was here.
Oh, I'll get to you.
Oh.
Hi.
Oh, she is just
a big ol' pile of love.
Yeah, I really don't
think that's love
that you're smelling.
Okay, who wants
to explain to me
why I had to hear
that I was a grandma
while I was
getting my nails done?
That Jennifer Perrin
couldn't wait
to let me have it.
Ever since that
Fatpants daughter of hers
got into law school
she's just--
Hi, Riley.
I didn't see you there.
You're so thin now,
you should wear a bell.
Oh.
Is this duct tape?
We were having a closure issue.
Oh, what, you couldn't
find a stapler?
Honestly.
I can't sign those papers now.
It's not gonna happen.
Hey, don't worry about mom.
You gotta do
what you think is right.
I'll totally back you up.
What papers?
You're on your own, bro.
( Sighs )
Mom...
I have some news.
Yeah. You knocked up
some girl
because you couldn't
figure out the basics
of birth control.
We're past that, honey, okay?
( Sighs )
Mrs. Wheeler?
Bonnie.
- Really?
- Mrs. Wheeler.
Emma's mom wants to put
Emma up for adoption
and for Ben
to sign away his rights.
Really?
So you're--
you're thinking about
giving up this little girl?
Yeah, I was thinking about it.
Oh, good.
( Sighing and laughing )
Good-- what do you
mean, good?
Oh, Ben, honey.
You can't begin to understand
the kind of sacrifice it takes
to be a parent.
When I married your father,
and I had you two,
I had to put my dreams on hold.
- What dreams?
- Being single and childless.
Ben...
Honey, I love you,
but you can't raise
this little girl.
You haven't even finished
raising yourself.
You can't cook,
you're barely
paying your bills...
Honey, I still buy your pants.
This baby
needs a grown-up.
You gotta sign those papers.
9 am.
She'll be ready.
( Phone beeps )
Done.
Somebody from
the adoption agency
will be here first thing
in the morning.
You okay?
Yeah, why wouldn't I be?
Ben, if you don't
want to do this, man--
It doesn't matter.
Mom was right.
I couldn't raise this baby
even if I wanted to.
Bro, it's going to be okay.
It happened,
you dealt with it,
and now, like you said,
we're never talking
about this again.
I could have been a model.
But you've seen
your uncle Danny.
Yeah.
No body could
recover from that.
He was so big,
I had to have
a "c," "d," and "e" section.
No, don't.
I swear to God.
- Okay. Okay.
- No, I will hurt you.
Okay.
So...
Did you always like Ben?
Oh, my God, you're obsessed.
( Laughing )
I don't know.
Kind of.
Guess I always thought
maybe someday,
but back then I just figured
I was too fat,
or too--
loud, or too hairy, or--
Okay, we're not making a list.
Well, you've grown
to be a beautiful
and successful woman--
I think you can
safely move on
from Ben Wheeler.
Why would I want to do that?
Uh, did you miss
the part in the story
about the baby?
The baby he doesn't
want to give up?
If that's true, then why
did he make that call?
Because his entire family
is telling him he can't do it.
If nobody believes in him,
how can he believe in himself?
He can't do it alone.
You don't know that.
( Cell phone beeps )
Oh, it's Ben.
Your mom's about
to leave him alone
with the baby.
You're going?
"Alone" is in all caps.
Ow! Ow!
What was that for?
For making me
talk about my feelings.
You know I hate that.
And go easy on your brother,
okay?
He looks up to you.
In his eyes,
you have everything.
Not everything.
( Bell dings )
Wait, wait, wait!
- Wait.
- Oh, my God.
You-- you gotta
give me a minute.
( Panting )
Maybe now I know
why I was traded.
You were right.
I didn't believe in him.
I didn't think he could do it.
So why are you telling me?
Because...
If you go in there
and help him,
he'll never believe
in himself, either.
Riley, Riley,
Riley, Riley, please?
She's hungry,
or thirsty, or tired.
I don't know,
I don't speak baby.
( Elevator dings )
Tuck.
What is going on?
Vanessa and I
were at the movies
when Ben called and said
Emma's having
some kind of meltdown.
I don't think
Emma's the problem.
Tucker, I swear
if you're not home
in two seconds...
I'm gonna eat all your food.
Tucker?!
( Groans )
( Cell phone ringing )
Okay!
Turn it off!
( Cell phone
continues ringing )
( Emma murmurs )
Okay.
So, it looks like
it's just gonna be
you and me, huh?
Guess we're really
gonna do this thing.
Okay.
Okay, Emma, hi.
Hi, baby.
Come on, it's okay.
Please don't break,
please don't break,
please don't break.
Okay.
Okay. It's okay.
- It's okay.
- ( Emma cries )
It's okay.
It's okay, Emma.
Daddy's here.
It's okay.
( Yelps )
( Emma cries )
Aah.
It's okay.
I'm telling you,
there is no way.
Bodily functions
make him queasy.
He can do it.
Where's your faith, man.
See?
Here you go.
There.
Okay.
Hi. Hi.
Hi.
Emma?
( Sighs )
Please eat.
Come on, Emma.
Look, look, Emma, it's good.
It's good.
Mmm.
Oh, total lie.
It's actually quite disgusting.
No wonder you don't
want to eat.
Please eat.
Come on, Emma.
Just a sip, okay?
( Fusses )
Come on.
Okay, come on.
- ( Crying )
- Come on, you have to eat.
I'm begging you.
Come--
( fusses )
( Murmuring )
What?
You like that?
Look what daddy can do.
Huh?
I do this at work every day.
Huh?
You want some now?
You want some?
Here it comes.
Here it comes, baby.
( Laughs )
Oh, my God, you're eating.
Thank you so much.
( Cries )
Holy crap,
now I'm crying.
( Chuckles )
Crap. Don't say crap.
Don't use swear words.
( Laughs )
Oh, I can't believe
you're eating.
( Chuckles )
You're so cute.
Hey, wake up.
Dude, you're drooling on me.
Oh.
Ahh...
Boo!
Ooh.
( Ben mimicking monkey )
Hey.
Hey. You okay?
Yeah.
I think I want to do this.
I can't let her go.
I love her.
Did you guys hear me?
Yeah.
Yeah, we heard you.
You should probably
call the agency.
It's almost 7:00.
Come on, mi amor.
Here we go.
Ooh, somebody could use a bath.
Oh. You both could.
I'm gonna go get a bottle ready.
But I want to give
it to her, okay?
We're really gonna have to get
on some kind of schedule though.
- For real.
- What do you mean?
Well, we have a
baby now so I mean,
we kind of have to be adults.
Ben: Okay. I'll do the shopping.
Tucker: Okay, but
let's talk about...