B Positive (2020–…): Season 2, Episode 14 - Osteoporosis, a Thaaang and a Slinky - full transcript

Hey. I brought you
something to snack on.

Oh, thank you, dear.

Could I ask another favor? Mm-hmm.

My sister will be here any
minute to have lunch with me.

Oh, how nice.

Yeah, definitely.

When she gets here,
could you tell her I died?

What?

You don't want to see her?

No. She's rude, foul-tempered

and has a mouth on her
you wouldn't believe.



So she's you?

Without the charm.

Norma, you have a guest.

Ah, thank you, Gabby.

Gabby?

With a voice like that,
your name should be SpongeBob.

I know, right?

Hello, Irene.

Hello, Norma.

My big sister.

Now my little sister,
due to osteoporosis.

Yes, I have gotten
a little shorter,

and you've gotten
a little wider.

Family reunion. Yay.



Hi, I'm Gina.

Gina owns the place.

You own a retirement home?

What, you couldn't
buy a cemetery?

I find it very rewarding
helping people.

Oh, you're a do-gooder.

What are you,
from California?

No, um, I'm from...

Just let it go.

Oh, hello, ladies.

Hey, Drew, come on over
and-and meet Norma's sister.

The woman preys on weakness.

You're gonna introduce her
to him?

Uh, this is Irene.

Drew drives our shuttle van.

Oh, only temporarily.

I'm a therapist by trade,

but I'm on a sabbatical
while I go on a journey

of self-discovery.

You sound like a guy
who's living in his car.

It's a van, actually. So...

You ever try not being rude?

I call it like I see it.

And rude? You didn't even come
to my husband's funeral.

Why the hell would I do that?

Because he was my husband,
and you're my sister.

Well, don't expect to see me
at your funeral, either.

Oh, you're gonna outlive me?

Let's play connect-the-dots
with your melanoma.

How's your diabetes?

Still got both feet?

I only need one
to kick your ass.

So Norma's the nice one?

♪ It's okay to have
just a little ♪

♪ And it's swell to have a lot

♪ On the bottom
or in the middle ♪

♪ In a rowboat or a yacht

♪ Love is what we long for

♪ To be acknowledged
and to be seen ♪

♪ In the end,
does it really matter ♪

♪ If you're a prince

♪ A pauper or a queen?

♪ The more you give ♪ The more you give ♪

♪ The more you live ♪ The more you live ♪

♪ Your happiness is relative ♪ Happiness ♪

♪ And if you're feeling
like crap ♪

♪ It's time to face the fact

♪ It's your prerogative

♪ Your prerogative ♪

♪ To be positive.

Creamer in your coffee?

Oh, no. Not with my IBS.

Oh, you have a little dog hair
on your derrière.

- Rhyme unintentional, but delightful.
- Oh.

Well, get it for me.

Really?
Mm.

Okay, here goes.

Oh.

And good.

You're spotless.

You could eat off that thing.

Not soup, obviously,

but certainly a sandwich
or a finger food.

Thanks, buddy.

Ooh.

I did not know
I was into that.

Good morning to you, Harry.Yeah.

What's the deal with you two?

Oh, nothing, just getting rid
of some dog hair on her behind.

She did give me a kidney.

Well, this is against
my better judgment,

but I'd like to see you happy.

You have any interest
in meeting my grandniece?

You want me to be a part
of your family.

Her name is Amanda.

Pretty girl.

Has a few issues,
but then who doesn't?

I'm in.

I demand-a to meet Amanda.

Oh, I hope she has your eyes.

No matter how clever he is,
he still needs...

Tomorrow night, I was thinking
we could get sushi.

Sure, if it's
on the Applebee's menu.

Mm.

And then maybe after,
you could, uh...

spend the night.

You mean like a sleepover?

Well, I know you wanted
to take it slow,

but things have been good,
right?

Uh, things got a little bumpy

when you made me binge
"Downtown Abbey,"

but otherwise, yeah, good.

Mm.

So tomorrow night,
we can get crazy.

Crazy?

Oh, don't be scared.

Just a few toys.

Great.

So if you have a good time,

I won't know if it
was me or the slinky.

- Wh... Oh, Peter, my God. What happened?
- Oh.

I believe the technical term
is "I fell on my ass."

Oh. Are you okay?

I slipped in the shower
and injured my coccyx.

Oh.

Let the snickering begin.

I'll bring you
an ice pack later.

You don't want to mess around
with a swollen coccyx.

In addition to breakfast,
lunch and dinner,

we also offer late night snacks
until 7:30.

- Hey, peeps.
- Hey.

This is Norma's sister, Irene.

Oh, hi.Hello.

Ah, Irene.

The Greek goddess of peace,

deity of the seasons

- and keeper of heaven's gates.
- Mm.

Look who read a book.

Uh, I'm Jerry.
Nice to meet you.

What is this,
a May-December thing?

You could do better.

I like this one.

Okay, let's go sit over there.Mm.

Far, far away from other people.

Uh, for the record,
if you and I were a couple,

I'd be proud
to be with you.

Thank you.

This place isn't half bad.

I'll take a BLT
and an application to move in.

Oh, hell no.

Why not?
Since Stanley died,

there's nothing for me
in Florida anymore.

Course there is.

There's hurricanes
and alligators.

I'm at the age where
assisted living makes sense.

Wouldn't mind some help
getting off the can.

This is my home,

and I'll be damned if I'm gonna
let you ruin it for me.

So, um...

Did Stanley die of natural
causes or was it a choice?

G-G-G-G-G Unit!

What's up? Yeah. Hey, um...

Any chance someone else could
drive the van tomorrow night?

I've got a bit of a sitch.

Oh, I'm sure we could
figure out something.

What's your sitch?

Well, it's not really a sitch.

It's more of a thang.

Ooh, a thang.

You gonna get some spice
where it's nice?

It's just a blind date,
but phasers are set to fun.

Oh, really? A blind date? Yeah.

Harry set me up
with his niece, Amanda.Ooh.

Amanda.

And what do we know
about Amanda?

Not much, but it seems as if
I've piqued your curiosity.

It's not piqued.

You've piqued nothing.

Oh, it's piqued.

Like my wife
is always yelling at me,

"Flush!"

Unbelievable.

Wins every hand, yet still
calls pasta "pasghetti."

Hey, guys.

Can I ask you a question?

I mean, like, confidential?

Your secret is safe with us.

Mostly because
we won't remember it.

Listen, I-I...

I've been out of the dating
scene for a long time.

What's the story
with those pills, you know,

for your little engine
that sometimes can't?

You talking about boner pills?

I got a trunk full of 'em.

You want me to crush some up
in your "pasghetti" tonight?

It's not like I need 'em, I...

Take 'em.

Really, I don't have a problem.

Take 'em.

But I'm not even sure, I...

- Take 'em.
- Fine.

I'll take 'em.

It's just that
I haven't been with a woman

since Jackie passed.

So you're nervous?

Damn right I am.

I can't help feeling like
maybe I'm betraying her.

Mm.
Mm.

After my wife passed,

it was several years
before I was even interested

in talking to another woman.

Oh, yeah.
Meredith was it for me.

Oh, yeah.

Besides, I'm 85.

I'm done talking,

and more importantly,
I'm done listening.

I know divorce isn't death,

but, uh, I had trouble
moving on, too...

Until I saw
my ex's dating profile.

Single one month,
now you love hiking, Paula?

I lost my first wife,

but I felt like
finding love again

and living life to the fullest
was actually honoring her.

I had no idea your wife died.

I'm so sorry.

No, I lost her
at a Super Kmart.

She said she was going
for Q-tips,

and I never saw her again.

But I know you're
watching over me, Coco.

I-I think what
he's trying to say is

that Jackie would be happy
you found Bette. - Yeah.

I think she would.

Thanks, fellas.

Bette's a special lady,

a-and I want to show her
by banging her good.

Come in.

Hey, how's it going?

I didn't see you at dinner.

That's 'cause the food
gets in the way of the booze.Oh.

Irene is definitely a handful.

A handful?
Don't you mean a bitch?

I don't like it when women
use that word for other women...

but yeah, total bitch.

My whole life,

everything I had,
she had to have, too.

When I got a doll, she'd cry
until she got the same one.

I permed my hair in high school.

So did she.

Thankfully her hair fell out.

Yeah, but that's
normal sister stuff.

Like, when my sister got a bag
of weed, I wanted one, too.

Did your sister
steal your first love?

Well, weed was my first love.

She really
stole your boyfriend?

The date was May 11, 1958.

I guess I'm sitting
for this one.

I'd been seeing Stanley
for a while.

He was handsome, funny...

I was madly in love with him.

Then Irene walks in wearing one
of her tight sweaters

and asks him
to fix her flat tire.

Six months later,
I was at their wedding.

I got so drunk,

I wound up fooling around
with my second cousin, Larry.

Coat closet, Cousin Dwight,
been there.

So you understand
why I can't have her live here.

Totally.

I know what it's like
to have a sister who...

Don't you dare
make this about you.

But I have an awful sister, too.

One second.

I'm old, time is precious.

Here's my application
to move in.

For emergency contact,
I put Tom Selleck.

I don't know him, but I'd like
to meet him before I die.

Yeah, about that...

We actually have no vacancies.

I see.

Like little baby Jesus,
no room at the inn.

Yes. Exactly.

And it has nothing to do with
my sister not wanting me here?

Right again. You're a terrible liar.

Mm, I know.

She poisoned you against me.

Oh, she did tell me
about Stanley.

You want to hear my side?

Not really.

They'd been going out for a bit,
nothing serious,

and then one day, Stanley
showed up before Norma got home,

and we started talking.

And it was like, bam,
instant connection.

Still, she's your sister.

Yeah, and he was my soul mate.

We were together for 57 years.

See, that's why I didn't
want to hear this.

And she met her Arthur
a year later.

They had a wonderful life
together.

Well, as wonderful as
life can be with Norma.

It's interesting.

I have a terrible relationship
with my sister.

Don't make this about you.

You know,
I've never dated a therapist

that wasn't my therapist.

This was right after
my ex-husband

dropped the assault and battery
charges against me.

Are we sleeping together
tonight?

Um, you know, I hadn't
given it much thought.

I'm asking 'cause
I'm waiting on some lab results,

and I can only do hand stuff.

That's very thoughtful.

My Uncle Harry said
really nice things about you.

Did he? Oh.
Mm-hmm.

Funny, he didn't say
nearly enough about you.

Welcome to my humble abode.

Well, I figured
there'd be leopard print,

but you got the
entire endangered species list.

Mm.

Oh, right to it, huh?

You know, at our age,
we really ought to stretch.

I'd hate to pull something.

Let me do the pulling. Mm.

Whoa. Your floor plan's got
the bathroom and the window

on the right.
Mine's just the opposite.

Are you sure
you're ready for this?

Oh, yeah. Totally.

I'm just worried
I'm gonna disappoint you.

Oh. That's very sweet, but
there's nothing to worry about.

Thanks.

I just don't really
know where to start.

Whoa, those are nice.

Mm-hmm.

I'd applaud, but...

I don't want
to take my hands off.

Should we get into bed?

I go where they go.

I asked you both
here because

we should be able
to work this out like adults...

No.

I understand you're upset,
but...

No.

I told you she couldn't
be mature about this.

She's not just a child in size.

It's hard to believe
you don't have any friends

keeping you in Florida.

Typical Norma.
You've got a good thing,

and you don't want to share it.

Why would I share it when
you're gonna take it anyway?

I didn't take Stanley!

Oh, you're gonna lie to my face?

Your original face or this one?

Okay, let's keep it civil.

Everybody knows
how it went.

There's a reason
they called you Easy Irene.

And there's a reason
nobody called you at all.

Stanley was mine, and
that's why you wanted him. Yeah,

I stayed with him for 57 years

- just to annoy you.
- See?

All we do is fight.
Why the hell would you want

to live here anyway?
Because you're my sister

and you're all I have left.

My husband's gone.

I'm lucky
if I see my kids twice a year.

I hate my grandchildren.

If I don't have you,

I've got nothing.

You're my big sister,
and I love you.

Okay, you can live here.

Really?

I'm willing to see
where this goes.

But if you do anything
to piss me off,

then you're out.

I've seen the men here.

We're not gonna have
any problems.

I only wish
that my sister and I could...

This is not about you.

Wow.

Sorry I yelled "touchdown"
at the end.

It's been a while.

I didn't mind.

It was incredible.

- Really?
- Mmm.

The best I ever had.

Oh, wow, that's something

coming from a woman
who's done...

From someone
who's been around the...

Thanks.

How was it for you?

It was nice.

"Nice"? Yeah.

"Nice" is a grilled cheese
sandwich on a cold, rainy day.

Well, it was
our first time.

We got to get in a groove.

Well, then let's try again.

What, now? Yeah.

Are you crazy? Yeah.

Is everyone okay? Oh, my God.

You pressed
your emergency call button?

- Oh. Our bad.
- Mm.

That's gonna haunt me.

Gina?

Hi, Drew.

What are you doing?

What are youdoing?

Would you like to come in?

Oh, no. No.

Uh, I don't want to
interrupt your date.

Oh, I took my date home.

Really?

It's pretty early. Yeah, well,

she wasn't exactly my type.

Hmm. What type was she?

Clinically insane.

Why? Are you still piqued?

I'm not piqued.
I was never piqued.

Gina,

how long are we gonna do this?

Do what?

I love you.

You have to know that.

And I think you feel something,
too. Otherwise,

you wouldn't be creeping around
trying to get a glimpse

at the psychopath
I just took to dinner.

Ah, the long pause
after I tell a woman I love her.

Reminds me of my marriage.

It's complicated. I just...

I need more time.

Course you do.

Sorry I'm not following
your schedule.

Whatever. Take all
the time you want.

It might not have been clear,
but that was me storming out.

Good morning. Good morning.

I smell sex.

Yeah, you do.

I'm with her.
But I see you looking.

If I'm looking at one of you,
it's her.

Hey, how's it going?

You all settled in?

Yes, I am.

Uh, hey, while I got you here,

who do I see
about getting some nice towels?

Uh, well,

I guess you'd see
Bed Bath & Beyond.

With what you're charging me,
that crap isn't gratis?

Well, we're not a hotel per se.

Listen to you. "Per se."

All right.
Here's a hundred bucks.

- Go run out, get me some towels.
- Uh...

Well... Uh...

You wanted this.

Okay. Any particular color?

Nah, I'm easy.

Why are you
still standing there?

What are you smiling about?

I'm just thinking about
how that son of a bitch Stanley

got 57 years of you.