Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 5, Episode 9 - Say No to the Dress - full transcript

Previously on "Awkward"...

Being on prom court

with Matty would have
been sophomore Jenna's

dream come true.

I can't fight it anymore.

- Hey, you want to go to prom?
- Yeah.

Everyone is drinking the prom kool-aid.

Will you go to prom with me?

Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!

I'm so glad we're
going to prom together.

Sames. So what if neither of us is going



with the guy we expected.

Doesn't mean we can't blow it out.

Uh, I mean have a great time.

I definitely want a blow
out, sleek and chic.

I'm still going with someone I love.

You know what? Yes.

Yes to what you're doing there.

My dream was to go to prom with Adam,

but I messed that up and I
am not going to mess up

prom too by moping about it.

Thank you. And nice to
meet you Positive Polly.

Nice to be here. Let's do this.

♪ Everyone's dancing on tables ♪

♪ And dancing on bars ♪



It was senior prom and I was determined

to say yes to all of it.

I had been dreaming of
this night for four years.

Okay, so going with Matty
had been a big part

of that dream, but I could
still have the rest.

A good attitude, a great dress,

and even an improbable
shot at prom queen.

So I didn't have my dream date.

I could still have my dream night.

Okay, girls.

Are you ready to see yourselves?

Yes to everything, right, T?

Yes!

Both: No!

Note to selves: Never get your hair done

at a place called "Ivana Haircut".

I said, "sleek and chic."

My hair looks like a bouquet
of flaming hot Cheetos.

Come on, we still have time to get home

and wash this off before anyone sees us.

Dude, shut up, shut up,
shut up, shut up, shut up.

Not a word.

Uh, actually we're just

on our way to get our hair done, too.

It's a good thing we ran into you.

- I was going to do that.
- [laughing]

Imagine if we had the
same hairstyle at prom.

So embarrassing.

Crisis averted.

Okay, well just know that
the next time you see us,

we will look hot.

I'll believe that when I see it.

I had accepted that I wasn't
going to prom with Matty.

I had even convinced myself
that I wasn't wishing

I was going to prom with Matty.

But I at least wanted him
wishing he were going with me.

Dude, what is this thing?

- A cummerbund.
- What's it for?

I have no idea.

Probably so you don't have to
suck in your gut all night.

Oh, ho, my gut?

Oof. Whoever invented these hates me.

That's what clip-ons are for.

Oh.

So, uh, was it
uncomfortable, seeing Jenna?

There's only two weeks
left till graduation.

I am just trying to be chill.

I just always figured
you'd go to prom together.

She's not into it.

I mean, she told me to go to Berkeley.

I'm just gonna try to get
to the end of school

- on good terms with her.
- It's just weird.

Never would have called
you going with Sadie

and me going solo.

I feel like a lame third wheel.

Ah, don't worry about it.
We're all going as friends.

Tonight's not gonna be about
hooking up for me either.

Dude, we are such studs!

Talking about not hooking up
with people at our senior prom.

Whoo. Tss.

- Are you done?
- Huh?

You are so gonna get some tonight.

Your boobs look amazing in this thing.

Get some what? [gasps]

Compliments?

My date's gay, so he probably
doesn't care about boobs.

Oh, my God. What if he doesn't show up?

I have worked so hard
to make tonight perfect.

Nobody better screw it up!

Relax. It's gonna be great.

It has to be better than great.

It has to be an enchanting fantasy.

Chill, Promzilla.

You're starting to sound a little crazy.

Knock, knock.

Speaking of crazy.

Prom night. [chuckles]

I made you girls some mocktails.

Twinkie-tinis. Cute, huh?

Can you believe? I threw
on my old prom dress

just as a goof and it still fits.

Mom, we've been over this.

You're old. You shouldn't
be wearing that.

But thanks for the drinks.

Oh. Well, I wasn't trying
to upstage you, bunny.

Have fun.

You and your mom seem to
be getting along much better

since you introduced her to orgasms.

Yeah. She's not uptight at all anymore.

She's super-obsessed with
being, like, young and hot.

It's like she thinks she's
my friend, which she's not.

She's my best friend. [squeals]

That's pathetic.

I thought you and Darlene
were getting along, too.

She's just trying to impress
her rich boyfriend, Ted,

with what a good mom she is
so he'll marry her sorry ass.

But I'm telling him the
truth about her tonight.

Oh, no. First Sergio broke up with you

and now your mom's a fake?

It's not a enchanting fantasy at all.

No. No, it's not.

Tonight is my Ted talk and the topic is

"My Mom's a [bleep] liar."

Lana Del Yay. So hot.

Thanks. It was almost
impossible to find.

But it's what Lissa
mandated for prom court.

Floor-length and white.

Oh, honey, you're beautiful.

Do you know what I would have given

to look this gorgeous at my prom?

Hmm, your virginity? Oh, wait, too late.

Very funny. I had to
wear an empire waist.

Hey, yeah, wait.

Jenna, this isn't
your first senior prom.

You went in utero.

A toast.

To my favorite young ladies
on their prom night.

What? Are you nuts?

Giving our daughter alcohol?

That stains. She's in a white dress.

- Oh.
- Are you nuts?

You almost knocked the whole tray over.

Oh, stop whining, baby. That's it.

Put Jenna's wine in a sippy cup.

The one that Nana sent for the baby.

I can't believe he would
even chance that.

Men do not understand the
importance of the prom dress.

They also don't understand
how much work this all is.

Well, let's hope they just think

we're effortlessly beautiful.

And by "they," I admit,
I mostly meant Matty.

Even though I couldn't have him,

I still wanted him to want me.

- Ah, there you go.
- Thanks, Dad.

Cheers to a fantasy prom.

- Yes!
- Yes.

- Yay!
- [all gasping]

Or nay.

How do I know how to put
the top on a sippy cup?

Why would you give me that job?

There is no way I can get that out.

There's no way I can
wear this dress to prom.

Okay. We have an hour.

Let's go.

Come on.

Let's go, people.

I should have gotten the
one at Nordstrom Rack.

- Now they're closed.
- That was a housecoat, Jenna.

And it wasn't even white; it was ecru.

Well it was the only one we
saw that was floor-length.

We have been to every store
in Palos Hills, twice.

[gasps] Not every store.

Yanni, I'm gonna need you
to pull 508, 22, and 41B.

Yanni?

[doorbell rings]

Ah.

Babies, your dates are here.

[shimmering music]

♪

[squeals]

Figured as long as I'm
going to participate

in this sick charade, I might as well go

full metallic jacket.

[snapping]

- Wow, sexy Sadie.
- [whistles]

Looking very McConaughey, McKibben.

All right, all right, all right.

Never do that again.

- All right.
- Okay, line up, kiddos.

Oh. You all look so hot.

Sick. Who invited my mom?

Sadie, you look stunning.

She is a looker, just like her mother.

[chuckles]

I am so glad to be here
for this milestone.

Yeah, the first one you've
been here for since my birth,

but you didn't really
have a choice that time.

Can I speak with you?

What in God's name has gotten into you?

Ted told me how close you said we were,

how we text every day and
Skyped on the weekends.

I may have embellished a little.

How he really respected people
who put their kids first.

How he could never marry a woman

who didn't have a close
relationship with her daughter.

Sweetheart, ahem, you can understand...

What I understand

is that you only came here to
convince Ted you were a good mom

so you could trick him into marrying you.

You are so full of [bleep], Darlene.

I should have never let
you back in my life.

Are you gonna tell Ted?

[scoffs]

No.

I'm not. It's not worth it.

He'll find out on his own eventually

what a terrible person you are.

But until then, enjoy keeping up the act.

It's something you've
always been really good at.

♪ Oh, mother ♪

♪ It's getting a little scary ♪

♪ Oh, mother ♪

♪ It's getting late ♪

Are you sure this dress is okay?

It is long. It is white,

and it is time to go in.
Say yes, remember?

Have fun, girls.

[whimsical music]

Oh!

Oh.

I'm okay.

You're lucky I was
such a great customer

when I was a bride not-to-be.

Yanni wouldn't open his bridal shop

after 6:00 on a Saturday for just anyone.

Good evening, ladies.

Klosserman wedding, ballroom three.

You must be Mrs. Klosserman. Mazel Tov.

Perhaps I should have
said no to the dress.

♪ Find someone to love, love, love ♪

♪ Go ahead and live it up, up, up ♪

♪ Find someone to love, love, love ♪

♪ Go ahead and live it up, up, up ♪

♪ And everybody dance, dance, dance ♪

- Hi.
- Hi.

♪ Find someone to love, love, love ♪

You okay? You seem kinda quiet.

I'm fine.

I know you'd rather be here with Sergio.

It's not that.

I think I just broke up with my mom.

What happened?

The new Darlene turned out to be

the old Darlene in disguise.

Oh, man, I am sorry.

You don't seem all that
psyched to be here yourself.

I don't want to ruin your night.

You're not.

Hey, it's our senior prom.

We should try to enjoy it.

We got all dressed up.
We're here.

This tux wasn't easy to get into.

Try getting into this dress.

Should I? I thought we
were just here as friends.

Very funny. Have you ever worn Spanx?

It's like a tourniquet
for your internal organs.

See, we can do this.
We can have a good time tonight.

- You're right.
- Yeah.

After all, it's not just
some crappy dance with punch

and sad supermarket cookies.

It's senior prom.

Yeah. It's, like, fancy and adult.

I'll be an adult about it if you will.

[imitates spitting] Deal.

[Triple J's "Follow the Sun"]

♪

♪ Follow the sun ♪

♪ Follow the sun ♪

♪ Follow the sun up high ♪

Welcome to the enchanted fantasy prom.

There are magic wish cupcakes
on the table over there.

And be sure to sign up for the raffle.

You could win a rainbow.

Nope. Nope, nope. Nope, nope. No.

We're out.

Excuse me. Sorry.

Can you move? Thanks.

Excuse me. Sorry.

[wedding march playing]

- Very funny.
- [laughter]

Let's dance.

The Julies aren't wearing
floor-length dresses.

What the slut? I can
see Julie's patchouli.

They're on prom court.

Why aren't you guys in
floor-length dresses?

I thought we had to.

Rules are like hymens on prom night:

- there to be broken.
- And it would be a crime

to deprive the male
population of this school

- of a look at our legs.
- And your everything else.

Jenna!

You look like a real live princess.

No. You look like a princess.

I look like "The Princess Bride."

Why is everyone so crabby?

The Julies look like harlots,

you've got on a sourpuss,
and Sadie and Matty left.

Matty left?

Don't count us among
the Prom-atized, Lissa.

We are here to have the dream night.

Right, Jenna?

I never even saw him,

which meant he never saw me.

Considering my change of a dress,

maybe that wasn't such a bad thing.

Right.

Look, I love Gabby. She's my best friend.

But I get it.

I mean, she can be a lot to take.

Oh, well, I wouldn't say that exactly.

No, you wouldn't.

You're too nice of a guy to say that.

- [chuckles]
- But that's what I'm here for.

Come on. Dance with me.

♪

- Okay.
- I got next.

- Then me.
- Oh, um... okay.

[chuckles] Hey.

Leave some for me!

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

This is so much better
than that Barbie dream prom.

We probably have a chance

of getting into a decent bar for once.

We look like a rich couple.

Ahem, Jeeves, take us
to the Four Seasons.

My wife here would like a...
what does a rich lady drink?

I don't know. We should ask my mom

what she orders when
she's trying to pretend

to be good enough for her
moneybags boyfriend.

I cannot believe Darlene
is such a lying hag.

You should just get it out.

Hey, all that anger, it's
gonna harsh our buzz.

Get it out.

Get it out!

[bleep] my mom!

- Oh!
- [chuckles]

That felt great...

And taxing. I'm hungry.

Mmm. Me too.

You think this thing will
fit through a drive thru?

Both: Whoo!

Ladies, put a pin in this.

I'll be back, and I will dance
with every single one of you,

but right now I'm dying of thirst.

[laughs]

[groans]

Hi, Jakey. Having fun?

[chuckles] Oh, what is this?

It looks like melted ice cream.

It's melted ice cream.

Isn't it like living on a cloud?

Does this cloud have anything
more hydrating to drink?

- Like water?
- Nope.

Why are you so sweaty?

Because I haven't stopped
dancing since I got here.

I don't understand girls.

Why would Gabby's
friends be all over me

right after she and I broke up?

You really don't understand girls.

Gabby's clique is called
Intimidation Nation

for a reason. They're super competitive.

- Okay.
- Gabby is their leader.

And you were Gabby's boyfriend.

So if they get you,
then they get the best,

and thereby best Gabby.

Did you just say "thereby"?
That was weirdly genius.

I've learned a lot working
as the guidance counselor.

So, T, is prom everything
you hoped it would be?

Yeah. It's fine.

I mean, fun. Are you loving it?

Uh, yeah, yeah. Uh, mostly.

Not at this exact second, but...

I give up.

[toilet flushing]

Okay.

I'm gonna pull a "Pretty In Pink."

All this dress needs
is a little adjustment.

- T, what are you doing?
- Just wait a minute.

Molly Ringwald made a
whole new pretty dress

out of two ugly ones.

♪ Down, take it down ♪

♪ Yeah, down, take it down y'all ♪

♪ Down, take it down, now stop ♪

♪ Shake this party up ♪

♪ We're never gonna stop ♪

♪ Nothing gets us down ♪

♪ We're gonna shake the ground ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ We're gonna shake the ground ♪

It always works in the movies.

Now I just look like a
bride in a ripped dress.

That hem does look pretty ratchet.

Maybe I shouldn't have used nail scissors.

Maybe they have razors instead.

I can just slit my wrists and
get this whole night over with.

No offense, it's just not how
I saw my senior prom going.

None taken. I love you,

but this is not the dream.

My hair is hard.

This is so not the dream.

I'm sorry I made us go get
prom makeovers at the mall.

I'm sorry I ruined your
emergency dress surgery.

I am no Molly Ringwald.

To be honest, T, that dress
in "Pretty In Pink" was fugly.

[chuckles]

Can we go now?

We've definitely put in our time.

Thank God.

♪ Dynamite ♪

♪ We spin the party light it up ♪

♪ Be dynamite, dynamite, dynamite ♪

♪ Outside, you don't know why ♪

♪ You tell each other in
the middle of the night ♪

It's the dream.

♪ In the shadow of the streetlight ♪

♪

♪ In the shadow of the streetlight ♪

I was glad someone at this prom

was getting their happy ending.

And if it couldn't be me,
at least it was Tamara.

Turns out that officer
was a real gentleman.

I can't believe you're actually here.

I can't really believe I am either.

But I couldn't stop thinking
about what you said

that night at the base.

We were really good together.

And that doesn't come along often.

I might kick myself for this later, but...

Tamara Judith Kaplan,

will you...

date me?

- Yes. Yes, of course.
- Yes.

Oh, Jenna?

It's okay. I'm fine.

[mouthing words] I love you.

[mouthing words] I love you too.

Tamara was living her dream,

and I was going home to live mine.

Rocky road, pajamas, and then bed.

Well, I feel much better.

Thank you for being here for me.

Now let's get you back to prom.

Um, why? We've got snacks now.

Matty, you're probably winning prom king.

You can't miss that.

Nah. Seriously, I'm good.

I don't want to go back.

But you're Matty [bleep]
McKibben, and you're in a tux.

You could impregnate, like, six
girls tonight if you wanted to.

I'm not really in the mood, so...

Mood? You're not in the mood?

The only time you're ever not
in the mood is when you're...

Oh, God.

Are you thinking about that nasty little...

Is this about Hamilturd?

Oh, my God, it so is.

[exhales deeply]

Okay.

You did a good thing for me,

so I'm gonna do a good thing for you.

Matthew?

Even thought it pains me to say this,

you...

are in love with Jenna Hamilton.

And even though I think it is
a sick, compulsive fetish,

which is obviously incurable,

you have to tell her.

You have to tell her

because if you don't,

you'll be the saddest king in Promland.

And I can't let that happen.

Are you sure?

Go...

Go to her.

Hey, Jeeves.

Take us back to prom.

♪ See it through ♪

♪ You're worth fighting for ♪