Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 5, Episode 22 - Home Again, Home Again - full transcript

Previously on "Awkward"...

If you don't have a plan to
get this debt taken care of,

you're not going back to NYU.

So what are you guys celebrating?

I am moving in with Luke
for the rest of the summer.

You said you wanted the world to know.

Not like this.

Luke! A moment?

If you're happy with the work

that I'm doing, then that's one thing...

Publicly declaring my love for Luke



was supposed to be an epic gesture,

but had somehow turned
into an epic fail.

And now he was in Lizzy's
office running damage control.

He'd been in there for 26 minutes.

How much damage was
there to control anyway?

I had to wonder if there was more

to Luke's relationship with
Lizzy than he had told me.

You shouldn't have written that article

without consulting me, Jenna.

It was a violation of trust.

- And now Lizzy's really upset.
- Yeah.

A little too upset, if you ask me.

What is she, jealous?

She thinks I've been
lying and secretive.



Well, you have been lying and secretive.

You have no idea how hard it's gonna be

for me to smooth things over with her.

How do you plan to do that?

- Sleep with her?
- Grow up, Jenna.

I need some air.

Grow up?

- Grow up?
- You're acting like a child.

I am not, jerk! Lookit.

You're just pissed because
Lizzy has a thing for you,

and you wanted her to
think that she's got a shot

so that you can stay teacher's pet.

If that's what you think of me,

- what are you even doing with me?
- Honestly, I don't even know.

I'm leaving.

- So go!
- I am!

But I know you need the car later.

So I am leaving as soon
as the bus gets here.

Morning, beeyotch!

I brought you a $5 cup of coffee

in case you were homesick for New York.

You can't buy me back that easily.

After what you said to me?

Your cuppa joe is a cuppa joke.

Are you seriously still mad about that?

We had a little fight.
Real friends get past those.

Real friends don't say mean
things in the first place.

You called me an annoying dumbass.

And you called me an ass[bleep].

And I'm fine with it!

I get called an ass[bleep] all the time!

I'm going to have to do God-knows-what

to get myself out of debt, and
you don't even seem to care!

What hurts the most

is that I actually thought we
were friends since New York.

Say what you want about Jenna,

but she would never treat me that way.

Okay, that was way
meaner than "ass[bleep]."

So you're really not gonna forgive me?

Lissa always forgives me
when I treat her like crap.

- It's kind of my thing.
- I'm not Lissa.

And I don't understand

why you would want to
treat any friend like crap.

I will accept your coffee,
but not your apology.

As recently as yesterday,

living with Luke made me feel so adult,

so then why today did fighting with Luke

make me just want my mom?

Mom?

Anyone home?

Okay.

If I couldn't have my mom,

at least I could have
my mom's clean sheets.

Living with Luke had
meant feeling grown up,

but it had also meant going
without the comforts of home.

Three flavors of ice cream.

A sink free of little shaving hairs.

Backup toilet paper.

Conditioner. Who
doesn't use conditioner?

It also meant I'd missed a lot of mail.

"Camp Pookah.

"After 57 years, Camp
Pookah is closing its doors.

"All alumni are invited

"to one last field
day on the campgrounds.

$20 registration fee must
be received no later than..."

Today?

Crap.

Since when are we doing hydrangeas?

They cost more than the lilies.

They cost a little more,
but they last twice as long.

And some members were
allergic to the lilies.

So I'm saving you money and
cutting down on complaints.

Oh, well, you should have asked me.

If you want to go back to the lilies...

No, it's fine. They're already here.

I thought we could use the extra money

towards new hand
dryers in the bathrooms.

I don't pay you to think, Rosati.

Meet me in the snack bar
when you're done here.

Rosa found a mouse skull
in the popcorn machine.

Pretty flowers, Jake!

Hey, is there any way

you could pick up Mrs.
Taylor at her house?

Her engine died and she
can't make it to my class.

I don't have time for that.
I got a million things to do.

Well, we all have our
crosses to bear, Jake.

Managing this club is a demanding job.

Why does no one appreciate that?

No, literally, my new
class is called "Cross Fit."

We all bear crosses on our
back while doing core exercises.

I already bought all the crosses,

and if no one shows, I
won't meet my profit goal.

I can't leave,

but maybe I could record
you teaching the class

on my phone and then email
the video to Mrs. Taylor.

Great!

Could you also send one
to Mrs. Yoo, Mr. Churchill?

Oh, and Selma Froder is in
Florida, she might want one...

Why don't I just upload it to YouTube,

and then whoever who
wants the link can have it?

That is so smart.

That way I can reach
so many more people.

Thank you, Jakey.

Good gosh, just think of
what Jesus could've done

if he'd had YouTube.

You are going to smile,

and you are going to take this

like the grown-ass woman that you are.

I know these heels are high.

I know this is degrading.

And you don't belong in
some strange hotel room.

But you need the money,
so you're gonna suck it up,

and close your eyes if you need to.

Thank you so much for
filling in at the last minute.

What maid of honor gets
taken down by strep throat?

More like maid of dishonor.

It's my pleasure.

I honestly didn't even know
professional bridesmaids

were a thing until my
wedding planner suggested it.

Jennifer was a disaster anyway.

She didn't even get a spray
tan for the rehearsal dinner.

If you ask me, she deserved strep.

Well, now I have someone
that I can order around,

and I don't have to feel bad
about it because I'm paying you.

Don't worry about a thing.

I'm a nuptials ninja,

and I will make sure everything
goes off without a hitch.

Speaking of which,
it's time for pictures.

Bring in the groomsmen!

Grease up those smiles, people.

You got a long day of
posing ahead of you.

Find your bridesmaid.
Find your groomsmen.

You're over there. Just
like we practiced, okay?

All right, guys, smile. Look alive.

You're the wedding party,
not the wedding funeral.

Tamara?

A camp reunion seemed
like the perfect way

to self-soothe after my fight with Luke.

I just hoped it wasn't too
late to act like a kid again.

I needed a return to myself,

a return to home and
happiness and security.

A return to...

Matty?

Jenna. Hey!

Well, I've been ignoring my mail.

What's your excuse for signing up late?

I wasn't gonna go. I
mean, it's Camp Pookah.

Oh, come on, you loved this place.

I know, but it's in the past.
Why get all nostalgic about it?

But then I broke up with Sully
and figured, "What the hell?"

You broke up with Sully? Sorry.

- Don't act surprised.
- I liked her.

Once you realized she didn't hate you.

True.

Luke and I got in this
huge fight this morning,

and something about
running around Camp Pookah

cracked out on bug juice
just seemed comforting.

Lot of good times here.

The past isn't all bad, Matty.

You want to do something after this?

Misery loves company.

You know what misery loves more?

Frozen yogurt.

With gummy bears and those mochi things?

Mm-hmm.

We could get some and
bitch about our lives.

- Friends do that, right?
- They absolutely do.

Then let's absolutely do that.

I didn't know you were
friends with Kelly.

I'm not. She's paying me.

Wow. I mean, she is kind of a bitch,

but I figured she at least
had some real friends.

She's not paying me to be her friend.

She's paying me to be her
professional bridesmaid.

Okay, that's a wrap on
our first photo call.

There's veggie and dip
over on the buffet table.

No broccoli for you, Kelly.

The next few hours are too important.

Professional bridesmaid, huh?

So you're, like, embedded
with the wedding party?

I make sure everything
runs according to schedule.

You know how there's seat
fillers at the Oscars?

- No.
- I'm a dress filler for hire.

So you're like a hooker for weddings.

Totes. And it's all thanks to you.

If I was never a fake fianc?e,
I would have never amassed

the vast knowledge base required.

It's so crazy that we
ran into each other.

And like this. It feels like fate.

It does.

In fact, I've been meaning to call you.

You have?

You're coming to the reception, right?

I have to. Hooker and all that.

But now that I know
you're going to be there,

I'm looking forward to it.

Me too.

Because I want to introduce you to Amy.

Oh, who's Amy?

My fianc?e.

Your what?

Ab-solve yourself of sin one!

Ab-solve yourself of sin two!

Again!

What fresh hell is this?

Cut!

Sadie, can't you see we're
in the middle of a take?

Liss, can you do your Godilates later?

You'll never believe how rude
Tamara was to me this morning.

Actually, I'm in the
middle of something.

Can I call you later?

No one's gonna care if you stop now.

Look, that one's not even breathing.

Mr. Turner?

Mr. Turner. He was
just on a rest interval.

Come on, come get a smoothie with me.

Atonercise is a joke.

Okay, this joke

is actually very popular
with my older clients.

I wouldn't expect you to know this,

not being a businesswoman yourself,

but retirees are an extremely
profitable demographic.

You actually think you're
gonna make money off this?

You know what, Sadie?

You can't ignore me all summer
and then just waltz in here

one day and expect me to get a smoothie.

Whoa. What's your damage?

I have recently been
awakened as a feminist.

And I have come to realize
that your friendship

is extremely oppressive.

Lissa, don't take this the wrong way,

but you're a [bleep] moron.

Stop being the patriarchy to me!

You're always pushing me down!

If you're not prepared to
be respectful, you can leave.

I will then!

Okay.

So what was your fight with Luke about?

I wrote this thing
about him on Idea Bin.

Jeez, Jenna, maybe you should
step away from the computer.

I know, I just thought I was making

this big romantic gesture.

Ugh, he keeps calling me.

I've been yelled at enough for one day.

So what happened with Sully?

She's an awesome girl,
just not awesome for me.

She just wouldn't go deep on
an emotional level, you know?

She's kind of closed off.

And that's a bad thing, correct?

Yes, I want to be with someone
who wants to really know me.

Oh, come on, you aren't
exactly an open book yourself.

Getting you to "go deep
on an emotional level"

is sort of like like snorkeling
when you really want to scuba.

Really? I'm that closed off?

Was I closed off with you?

It's gonna take something
a little stronger

than chocolate coconut
swirl for me to answer that.

Luckily, awesome Sully left a bottle

of peppermint schnapps in my truck.

Shall we get drunk and get real?

We shall.

Ugh, tastes like lighter
fluid and breath mints.

Yeah, I don't think you're
supposed to drink it straight.

I wouldn't want to drink it gay either.

Wow, that was bad.

So bad. Horrendous.

See? I'm not closed off.

I was very open to the fact
that that was an awful joke.

I didn't say you're closed
off about everything.

Just everything emotional.

It's just standard dude stuff, I guess.

I'm sorry, I don't want you to
think I'm being super critical.

No, I don't. It's actually nice.

With Sully, the deepest
stuff we ever talked about

was during Truth or Dare.

And 90% of the time,
she chose dare anyway.

Okay, tell you what.

This is the hood of trust.

Everything we say here is safe.

You can ask me anything, and
I have to answer truthfully.

Truth or truth?

Truth or truth.

Okay, same goes for you.

And nothing leaves the hood.

Okay.

But can we really ask
each other anything?

Anything.

Okay, this is my first question,

and I really don't want it
to damage our relationship,

but I just have to know.

Why do you have a dream
catcher in your room?

I made that in Webelos, jerk.

Hood of trust.

Okay, we're going there.

What was up with the
side braid sophomore year?

You never took it out.

One minor misstep in an
otherwise flawless hair record.

Never to be revisited.

Speaking of things
never to be revisited:

- Eva?
- Oh, so hot.

- Colin?
- So hot.

What? I was high that whole semester.

What do you want from me?

Yeah, your taste in guys
has not always been stellar.

Well, excluding me, of course.

And Jake.

You dated Jake? Oh, right, yeah.

Ooh! I love it!

"Atonercise with Lissa
Miller." How'd you do that?

On my computer.

It's just an editing
program. It was easy.

This looks amazing. You are so smart.

For a townie.

No, you're smart for a person.

I mean that's, like, professional.

Thanks. I have a lot of ideas

for the club and Derek is
always shooting 'em down.

Well, Derek needs to get a life.

Yeah, well, maybe I do.

What do you mean?

I think maybe I need to start
thinking about my future.

I don't know if it's here.

Thank you for helping me

with my final professional
bridesmaid's task,

assuming that Kelly
cools it on the champagne.

If she pukes, she'll need hair-holding,

and that falls under my job description.

Just doing my duty as best man.

I also wanted to say

I'm so glad we ran
into each other today.

Yeah.

Amy's really sweet and
really freaking pretty.

I'm so glad I got to meet her.

Thanks, but that's not why.

I'm glad we ran into each other

because I always hoped
we'd end up friends.

You were way too important
to me to just fade away.

Yeah. Me too.

Tamara, you knew I
wanted to get married.

It's something I've wanted a long time.

But you weren't ready, and I get that.

I guess.

Okay, would you really want
to give up NYU right now

to move to a base in North Carolina?

I guess not.

So, friend, what's going
on in your love life?

- Actually, I'm dating someone.
- Yeah?

He's tall and sweet and rich,

and most importantly, all about me.

- Well, that's great.
- Yeah, I'm doing good.

The only hitch in the giddyup

is that I've been heavily lying to him

about being rich myself when
I'm actually $12,000 in debt,

but, you know, in the
grand scheme of things,

it's no biggie.

Okay, it's a small biggie.

It's a biggie small.

Why do you always do that?

I'm a wordsmith at heart.

Equipped to quip. I can't help myself.

No, I mean lie to guys about yourself.

Do you not think you're enough somehow?

What?

You lied to me about
wanting to get married.

You told me how you
catfished your ex that time.

- Autumn San Francisco...
- San Diego.

The point is you need to
come clean to this guy.

And if he doesn't like the real you,

maybe he isn't worth it.

What's up, sexual chocolate?

I thought you stopped serving at 9:00.

Did you start handing out
coupons at Urban Outfitters?

Sadita, meet my friends,
Rick and Richard.

- 'Sup?
- Aloha.

No.

Ditch these douches. I
want to hang out with you.

Everyone else sucks.

I can't right now, okay?

You can't talk to me

because you need to eat
tamales with these Ricks?

They're huge fans of my food
and we've rescheduled a lot.

Sorry, babe, can I meet you later?

They're just tamales.

It's street food! Eat a hot dog!

If you're so desperate
to eat this [bleep],

go to his Mami's house.

She's the one who does
most of the cooking anyway.

You know what, man,
we can just come back.

Yeah, September's wide
open as of right now.

No, no, no, no, don't
go. She's just in a mood.

- As usual.
- It's all good, brother.

We'll catch you on the flip.

Don't look at me like that, "brother."

They'll catch you on the flip.

What the [bleep] was that?

Those guys were investors!

They own a whole fleet
of grilled cheese trucks,

and they wanted to talk to me
about expanding my business.

- Are you crazy?
- [bleep]! I didn't know.

No, I'm the crazy one for
getting back together with you.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, I'm out.

I didn't...

I think if we'd have met in
college, we'd be engaged now.

Who knows? We've tried so many times.

But you're probably right.

Maybe if we met when we were older.

After you'd sowed your wild oats?

Mine?

Some of your oats have
been pretty wild too.

Fair.

You know, in some ways,
we grew up together.

Well, sometimes
together, sometimes apart.

Either way, you're one of the
closest friends I've ever had.

Probably ever will have.

Thanks, Jenna.

You're welcome, Matthew.

You know...

Never mind.

No, what?

I don't know what it is about you,

but whenever something
important happens in my life,

whether it's good or bad,

you're the first person I
want to talk to about it.

Yeah, we've known each other for so long

and been through so much,

you're like a blankie that
smells like my mom's oak chest

and still has bite marks
from when I was teething.

Gee, thanks. I'm a ratty old blanket?

You know what I mean. You're like...

I don't know, home to me.

Well, one thing's for certain.

Our timing's always been off.

Always.

Patrick.

Hi, it's me.

There's something that
I need to tell you.

How did he know where to find me?

He texted me looking for you.

Wait, I'm sorry. You guys text?

You weren't answering my calls.

He said he really needed to apologize.

And I thought you'd want to hear it.

I'm sorry I involved you, man.

It's just, whenever something happens,

you're the one she wants to talk to.

Can I talk to you?

Jenna, look, I'm sorry.

I don't know what got
into me this morning.

Actually, no. I do know.

You were right about me and Lizzy.

- What?
- Nothing happened.

Nothing ever would happen.

I have to admit that I wanted Lizzy

to think that it was
still a possibility.

All the author events and
the readings she takes me to,

they're a huge opportunity.

And I'm not in a position
to turn that stuff down.

I'm sorry I couldn't
just admit it earlier,

but I hadn't really
admitted it to myself.

That's why I was such a jerk
when you called me on it.

Okay.

I was wrong.

And I was weak.

And I'm really embarrassed.

And sorry.

Can you forgive me?

As far as apologies go,
that was a pretty good one.

I can do better.

Do you remember how you always wanted

to get into SCU more than anything?

Dean Strauss just emailed me.

He loves your stuff,

and he wants you to
come in for an interview.

Are you serious?

He thinks you have a unique voice.

I sent him a couple of your
best pieces a few weeks ago.

I hope that's okay.

I wanted it to be a surprise.

I'm definitely surprised.

With your grades from Wyckoff

and your track record at Idea Bin,

you have a real shot at transferring.

This is amazing. I can't
believe you did that.

Huh!

He really said I have a unique voice?

- He really said that?
- I have the email to prove it.

Let's go home.

I stocked the freezer with Rocky Road.

You are a really good apologizer.

One sec.

Thank you for telling
him where to find me.

And thank you for tonight.

Hey, that's what friends are for.