Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 4, Episode 8 - Prison Breaks - full transcript

- Previously on Awkward...
- I want Matty to date.

Why don't you set him up
yourself?

- Maybe I will.
- Matty and I kissed.

You're a liar, and I need
to break up with you.

What?

I promise not to interfere
with you or Eva.

We don't need
each other's blessings, Jenna.

We're not together.

Out of the car right now.
Right now, come on.

We didn't do anything wrong.

The night so far
had been an epic fail.



Three girls, three fights,
and two broken hearts.

I was sick
of fighting with Matty.

Why couldn't we move on?

Why was I letting Matty McKibben
ruin another night?

I had a new man in my life,

and he and a drama-free night
were just 40 minutes away.

Turn the car around.
Not going down like this.

We can still
make it to SCU by midnight

and spend our night
with real men, college men.

Who's down
for a little road trip?

Hell to the yes.

They say the best way to get
over someone--

that someone being Jake--

is to get under someone new.



And that someone new is
a yet-to-be-named college guy--

or guys--

with their manly scruff
and five-button cardigans.

Every one of them

is like a living, breathing
J Crew catalog, only hotter.

- Let's frickin' do this.
- Let's frickin' do this.

Let's frickin' not!

I need you
to take me home, pronto.

The only thing worse
than getting dumped

is an "Eat, pray, suck"
road trip with you two morons.

Good luck with "Crossroads 2."

What did Sadie know?

Crossroads
is an underappreciated gem.

And Luke and his bed

would be the perfect remedy
to everything.

Surprise!

I couldn't believe it.

Was Luke really cheating on me?

I wanted to speak,
but I couldn't form words.

Lucky for me,
I had a best friend

who was never
at a loss for them.

WTF?
A rub and tug with a fug?

The only ending you're getting
tonight is an unhappy one.

And you?

I may look
like a delicate flower,

but I am a million-dollar baby.

I will grab that messy mop
and pull so hard,

you'll have to go
to every Supercuts from here

to Oakland to re-create

that "Oh, I just rolled
out of bed looking like this,

let me give you
a sensual massage" look.

So put 'em up,
'cause it's go time, bitch.

Jenna, I'd like you to meet
my best friend, Shayne.

Hi.
I'm Shayne.

By the way, I'm gay.

_

Gay or straight?

Don't worry. My brother's been
through this a thousand times.

They hold us for a night,

then we're brought
before a judge in the morning.

We will be out after that.

Okay, right.

What's the matter?

You can't do a night
in the clink, bro?

Oh, no, it's not that.

I had a ton of beer back there.

I got to go to the bathroom
really bad.

They have toilets inside.

You know I'm pee shy dude.

- Gay or straight?
- Straight.

- Hey, what are we going to say?
- We're straight.

Yeah, but what
if the gay wing is nicer?

[Door closes]

Gay or straight?

Straight.

Wait. Why would you
ask me that and not him?

[Chuckles]

[Door slams]

[Ominous music plays]

♪

Don't we get one phone call?

Yeah, we do.

How's this thing work?

Do we need wooden nickels
or something?

It's like that gumball
machine, but no, uh, coins.

Collect calls only.

Okay, whatever.

Whose number do
we know by heart?

What about Jenna?

You have to have
her number memorized.

I'd rather die in prison
than call Jenna right now.

Come on, man.

There's got to be someone else
whose number we have memorized.

[Phone beeps]

[Phone vibrates]

Hello?

Hello, this is a collect call
from the County Prison.

Not tonight, Ally.

Get out of another drunk-driving
sitch yourself.

[Dial tone]

Yo.

Holy shit, you escaped?

Do you know how much trouble
you're in now?

What are you talking about?

I just wanted to remind you
before the vikes hit the zinny

that I got a girls' brunch
with Val and Lacey tomorrow.

Weirdo.

[Phone beeps]

[Phone rings] _

I'm sorry to just barge in.

- I was just missing you.
- No sweat.

It can be a little hectic
around here during midterms.

"Hectic"
didn't capture the real.

It was
a full-on sensory assault,

a revolting blend
of stank, rank, and jank.

Desperate times
equals desperate measures,

which equals Tamara
digging for treasure

in this filthy heap
of boy scuzz.

Hey, there.
I'm Tamara.

[Belches]

Not sure that was the heat
Tamara had in mind

when she pledged
to hook up with a college guy.

OM Jesus, I need to scrub

a "Tuna fish, root beer,
and corn chip" burp

off my face, stat!

Bathroom's down the hall
to the--

It's coed!

Hey.

I'm sorry.
I really have to study.

Luke was proving difficult
to pin down.

Maybe I just needed to get a bit
more creative in my approach.

What are you doing?

How about I quiz you,

and for every right answer,
you get a reward.

Okay.

"The end of the Neutrality Act

came with the passage
of this law in 1941."

The Lease Lend Act.

Yes.

Wait.
No, I mislabeled it.

I think it's the Lend Lease Act,
I'm pretty sure.

Can I see it?

Yep.

[Hip hop music]

[Toilet flushes]

I can't do this.

I can't do this.

- Go. I'll form a human shield.
- No, it's not that.

- Then what?
- My...

"situation"...

has graduated
from a stand-up job

to a sit-down one.

Eesh.

[Prison cell door closes]
Good luck with that.

[Buzzer sounds]

Uh, hey, that's my bunk.

Hey, man,
I was assigned that bunk, so...

Wha-- Oh! Um,
I'll go up in... here.

With Luke distracted,

I thought a nice view
and some fresh air

would help us reconnect.

Isn't it nice?

Plus, it doesn't smell
like coffee and Ritalin up here.

[Chuckles]
Totally.

Ugh.
Seriously?

All right, let's-- Jenna, no!

What?
It's just a nasty old flip-flop.

That was the doorstop.

It keeps the door from closing.

I don't have my phone.

Can you call Tamara
and get her to come get us?

I left my phone downstairs.

Great.
Now we're locked out here.

My effort to connect with Luke

had left us locked out
in the cold.

I needed to generate some heat
and fast.

[Sighs]

Well, while
we're stuck out here,

we might as well
make the most of it.

Hmm?

[Sighs]

Hey.
Hey, what's wrong?

Jenna,
you just don't understand

how important my studying is.

You're still in high school.

What does that mean?

Look, that
didn't come out right.

No, Luke, why don't you
tell me what else

I don't understand
because I'm just in high school.

Ugh.

Ugh.

[Sighs]

Ah.

Wait your turn, son.

I got a few pounds
to drop in here.

Oh!

Oh!

Word to the wise--

you might want to think
about keeping an eye

on your boy tonight.

He ain't making no friends.

Thanks.

What you in for, homes?

Who knows?
You?

Pulled a trigger,
made some things disappear.

Normally,
I'm one easygoing mother.

But if someone gets
on my nerves,

look the hell out!

Believe it or not...

my troubles began
when I was younger than you.

[Buzzer sounds]

Oh, hey.

Doing your nails--
nice.

You know,
when you think about it,

there is no more important part
of a lesbian than her fingers.

Do you just blurt out every
offensive thing that you think?

No. It's actually
very careful curated.

Why aren't you studying
for midterms

like all the other cockroaches
in this godforsaken hellhole?

Because I finished them
last night, duh.

Boys-- not only
are they unsanitary,

but they don't know the first
thing about managing their time.

[Gasps]
Oh, my God.

Exactly.

I am all about managing time
appropriately,

especially for senior year.

My color-coded system to get me
through the next few months

would blow your mind.

Really? 'Cause I'm the girl
who goes to staples to unwind.

Oh, my God. Don't even talk
to me about how much money

I spent at staples last week.

Hold up.
Is that Caramel Spell?

Obvi.

Scooch over, girl.

Hey.

I didn't mean
that you don't understand

because you're still
in high school.

I just--
[Sighs]

I'm on scholarship here.

And if I don't make my grades,
I'll lose it, and then I'm out.

There's no way I can afford
this place otherwise.

So midterms are
an extra-stressful time of year

for me.

I'm sorry.
I had no idea.

I wanted to tell you.

I just know you maybe
have this picture of me

as this cool, confident
college guy, which I am.

- I totally am, like, all day.
- Right.

But I'm also a complete
dorkus about school.

I put myself
on lockdown this weekend

so I could get everything done

and make time for the important
things in my life...

like you.

In that moment,
Luke was everything--

his vulnerability,
his honesty, his work ethic,

no games, straight lines.

He was a great boyfriend,

and I wanted to be
an equally great girlfriend.

Okay.

If you need to keep
this scholarship,

then we need
to get down to brass tacks.

Hand me those flash cards.

I am going
to lend-lease you a hand.

"Lend-lease"?
Really?

I regretted it
as soon as I said it.

My parents abandoned me.

Trouble kept finding me.

Soon, the streets
became my true moms and pops.

I was raised on the block, son.

I got my PhD
in straight hustling, homey.

Yeah, I can relate, man.

I just found out I was adopted.

Really?

By some rich-bitch
motherfucker up in PV?

Yeah, but--

They fed you,
bought you clothes?

They did, but--

What kind of car you drive?

Escalade.

Drove it off a cliff.

[Laughs]
An Escalade?

Damn, son.

They ain't even
have the courtesy

to buy their adopted boy
an S Class.

Homey, you got adopted
by some straight jerks.

[Laughing]

"Drove it off a cliff."

[Chuckling]

Come on, Luke.

What were the main points
of the Potsdam Treaty?

I think it was...

I thought you had to study.

I think we've studied enough
for the night.

I just want to enjoy you.

I came here tonight to hook up,

but it's been
a complete fail Mary.

What's the deal?

I thought college guys were
supposed to be so much cooler,

but they're
just like high-school guys,

plus 2 years and 20 pounds.

I did the guy thing
for a while,

but it wasn't until I was with
a woman that everything clicked.

I mean, guys just take
so much longer to evolve

into functional adults.

And the road to get there
is filled with douche stops.

Oh, talk to me
about douche stops.

My last boyfriend went into
a "Mumford and dumbs" phase.

So trajnoxious.

"Tragic" plus "obnoxious."

That sounds horrible.

Not to mention
he could never buy me a ticket

to ride
the big oh-llercoaster.

You know what they say.

Never send a man
to do a woman's job.

[Both laugh]

Okay, I need to stop
or get a towel

for the serious verbal vom
that's happening right now.

Nice, huh?

Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.

I totally misread the situation.

Let's do this.

Hey.

Freedom.

♪

Ugh. Shayne, you've got
to stop hooking up

with girls in my bed.

Good morning.

Oh, my God.

Walker, you have a visitor.

That's you.

Let me go.

Are you insane?

This might be my one shot

at getting
to an actual bathroom, man.

Fine.

But whoever it is,
you get us out of here.

I'm Walker.

Is there
a real bathroom anywhere?

Even a plastic bag
would do at this point.

Sadie, how did you find us?

I was there when Matty got
his fake last night, dickweed.

And since you left with Eva,

I figured you were dead
or in prison.

Oh, and the recorded call
from County helped.

Now, what the fuck
happened to you?

Matty and I got busted
for drinking.

We showed the cops our fakes,
and they bought them,

but then Matty
started mouthing off,

so he got us arrested
for open containers.

Where was Eva?

I don't know.
She was there, but she bailed.

That bitch ditched?

I'm going to fucking kill her.

Oh, relax.

Sadie, if I don't get
out of here soon,

I'm gonna do something
really bad.

You're gonna hurt someone?

No.

I'm gonna shit myself.

Listen, dumb-ass,
give up your fakes,

tell the cops you're minors,

and legally,
they can't hold you.

If they even hesitate,
tell them that your friend

is going to tweet
at The LA Times

that their incompetence
is endangering the lives

of two cute, innocent
high-school boys,

and it'll go viral
faster than HPV at Coachella.

And they'll be mall cops
at the Beverly Center

for the rest
of their meaningless lives.

Whoa.

Okay.

With processing and everything,

- you should be out in an hour.
- Thank you.

Oh, hey, wait.
How do you know all this stuff?

- Orange Is The New Black.
- Hmm.

And the next thing you know,
we were breast friends...

Hands everywhere.

I think we had sex--

Not 100% sure, but I did
feel, like, 1,000 volts

shoot through my thighs
at one point,

and my eyes rolled back
into my head,

and the orgasms just kept
coming, fast and bi-furious.

I swear I saw Jesus
surfing a rainbow-colored star.

- So does this mean you're--
- "Heteroflexible"?

Maybe, though I think
it's more like that time

I wore a blazer around
for a week.

Looks good on Ellen,
but not for me.

And when mom
was over in Seattle,

she moved down here
with Sonic Youth,

so there's, like, a 65% chance
I'm Eddie Vedder's kid.

And then there was
that brief period

that Kurt and Courtney
broke up, so...

- No.
- Yeah.

Get out of my face.

Kurt Fuller and Courtney Cox
might be your parents?

So cool.

I was almost the kid
on the cover ofNevermind,

but my mother's
a very private person.

[Clears throat]

Hi, kids.
How was your night?

Nothing too crazy--

Concert and then
right back to Tamara's.

Okay, don't worry.
I am off the clock.

There is no need
to censor yourself.

I'm not Counselor Marks
in your home.

I am just Val the pal.

Eva, what's up?

Oh, my God.
I'm so glad to see you.

I really need to talk.

Lacey said I should just
hang out until you got home.

- Lacey.
- Hmm.

Why don't we go talk
in my room?

Sit, spill.

How was the concert?
Any highlights?

Just the ones slipping
through my fingers this morning.

Do tell.

Lesbi honest.
I kissed a girl.

Whoa!

Boom!

Bi-curious George.

Interesting.

Well, that's a thing that--
that some people do.

Oh, please.

Once you've knocked a few back,
a mouth is just a mouth.

Well, I could never do that
with a girl.

Oh, really?

Newport Beach, junior year?

That wasn't Kevin, hon.

Oh, my God!
[Gasps]

They're in jail?

I know, and I totally
would have stuck around,

but after my shoplifting thing
last year,

my dad would have frozen
my trust.

Okay, this is insane.

I was hoping you could go down
to the station with me

and help get them out.

Matty's
self-destructive streak

had hit an all-time high.

But it wasn't my responsibility
to be his savior anymore.

I'm gonna give you
his brother's number.

Call him. He'll know exactly
how to handle this situation.

[Buzzer sounds]

Hey, all we have to do

is tell them we're minors,
and they'll let us go.

But if we say that,
they'll know we had fake IDs.

Ugh.
We will deal with that later.

All I know is that this place
will be painted brown

if we don't get
out of here right now.

- So let's go.
- Okay, okay.

Uh...

yo, Jordan,
uh, we're getting out, man.

Beat the rap.
Enjoy it, son.

Thank you so much,

and I learned a lot
hearing about your struggles.

You know,
if I can ever do something

to help you get out of here.

Maybe put you in touch
with some good attorneys...

Attorneys?
Dude, I am an attorney.

- You are?
- Stanford, class of '02.

And you killed a man?

What the fuck
are you talking about?

Uh, you--
you pulled a trigger.

You made some things disappear.

Yeah, I work
in an investment bank.

I shorted some securities
that I couldn't cover,

and then I made
the transaction disappear.

Oh.

Now I'm gonna fuck you up!

We're minors!
We're minors!

And I really have to go
to the bathroom!

Choices--

sometimes you need
to make the hard choice

to cut someone out of your life,
or else you won't be open

to the possibility of someone
new and amazing coming into it.

- Feel better?
- Oh, much better.

I can't wait to get home,
though.

- I'm exhausted.
- Me too.

Are you going back home?

Yeah, I guess.
There's worse places, you know.

Mm.

I'm so glad you guys are okay.

Eva, what the fuck?
You totally bailed on us.

Hey, hey, hey,
let me handle this.

So what happened back there?

Matty, I'm so sorry,
but I've been in trouble before,

and if I mess up again,

my dad's sending me back
to New York, and my mother--

So I went to find help.
I went to Jenna first and...

And?

Well, to be honest, Matty,
she was kind of rude.

She said she couldn't help

and that the person
that would know about jail

was your drug addict brother.

I'm sorry.
I came back here after

and just trying to think
of something else,

and I've just been waiting
for you.

Thank you.

It's been, like,
the worst first date ever,

right?

I didn't even get
a good-night kiss.

Yeah.

What about a good-morning one?

What about a conjugal visit?

After that night,

I knew if my head
was full of Matty McKibben,

it would get in the way
of opening my heart to Luke,

and I wasn't going to let
my Matty story, which was over,

mess up my Luke story,
which was just beginning.

Next on Awkward...

This was it.

Once I hit send,
there was no turning back.

Surprise.

Next fall I'd be starting
a whole new life.

Is there a reason why
you haven't sent me my essay?

Matty, if you want
your essay so bad,

why don't you go
and get it yourself?

Whew! Got it.

You promised me dessert.

Skanky jank!

Not mine.

Eva's?