Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 4, Episode 16 - #drama - full transcript

Previously on Awkward...

The guys keep a "hot or not" list.

- You coded me?
- I made a dude database.

I'm gonna hate-rate the
[bleep] out of these jock-offs.

I guess you're not 100%
douchebag after all.

First time?

Now that I had finally let Owen down easy

and made up with Matty after
his heroic pro-girl stand

at the bonfire, my guy slate was clear.

So this morning, Tamara and I could log

some well-deserved quality
time over hot chocolates.



[Cell phone alert chiming]

Oh, hi, have you become Amish?

I've been calling you all
weekend with me-related Intel

and I thought maybe you
had abandoned electricity.

Hot chocolate. Be nice. My phone was off.

- It won't stop...
- [Cell phone alerts chiming]

Tags for Matty...

#MagicMatty, #BlackIrishLicorice.

It's a severe Y chromosome
hashtag-a-palooza.

The dude database has
now gone full-on viral.

How is every other girl at
PHHs posting to it like crazy?

Okay. I may have showed a few girls

while hate-rating at the bonfire.

Do you like this new peach lip gloss?



- It might be a little too shiny.
- T.

[Cell phone alerts chime]

#2InchRich? Yikes.

This is gonna really piss some people off.

We should just delete it.

It'll play itself out.

Now, prepare to be shocked

as I reveal my hookup with...

- Oh. Em. Gee.
- [Crowd clamoring]

[Rock music]

♪ ♪

A puppy dog? A puppy dog, really?

These boys wouldn't last
one bad dubstep remix

of gay bar judgment.

Ugh, dubstep. Just lost my semi.

Unwrap that package, magic Matty!

Okay, now I really get how
you felt about the phonebook.

Did you do this?

#FabAbs?

I'd like to think I'm
more creative than that.

Isn't it brillz! Just total drama.

We got this dirty deeds database

and forwarded invites to everyone.

Let the hot guys know they're hot

and the not guys know to give up.

So no one has any idea where
this database come from?

Some idiot savant freshman?

Idiot? Those bitches.

That database is well-built.

The integration of the
Facebook photos alone...

Stop defending it!

Whoa!

Okay, this has gone off the rails.

What if it comes back around to me?

Focus on my shiny peach
lips. No one knows it was us.

Jenna Hamilton to Ms. Marks' office now.

Immediately now.

Well, no one knows it was me.

What do you know about this dude database

for ranking senior boys?

J., who's involved?

Any faculty?

The headphones are for your privacy.

You know, sometimes I'm
like, "whoa, #UpInMyGrill,"

but then I get all #MascotHeadHorny and...

Val, the headphones don't really work.

- I need guidance!
- Oh, right.

#2InchRich.

2 1/2!

I'm gonna go.

- Thank you!
- Oh.

Sorry.

[Cell phone alerts chiming]

This hashtag stuff really sucks.

- Ow!
- Oh, yeah.

Your rep as a sex machine is so hard.

- Ow!
- Nice guys finish last.

That's only because you
let the girls finish first,

#SoPoliteInBed.

Since when is being a
generous lover a bad thing?

- Hey, not-so-naughty-Rosati!
- [Scoffs]

Oh!

No, he's... he's just upset about

his adorable puppy dog
status with the girls.

Ah, well, the ladies of
PHHs have a lot to say,

don't they, #ManWhoreMcKibben?

Okay, it's not my fault that...

that people want to hang out with me.

- I am adorable.
- True, and modest.

I'm sure your idea of hanging
out with all these girls

is good, clean fun.

Holding hands,

milkshakes with two
straws, that kind of thing?

Come on, you make it sound
like I'm some sort of player.

Okay. Well, how many actual dates

have you taken any of these girls on?

I date!

In... in fact,

I was just about to tell you

about this date I had planned for us.

And what could be cleaner fun than...

mini golf?

Okay, and how long into the date

before you try to sink a hole in one?

If this date was about making a move,

would I have invited other people?

It's a double date.

You're just making this
up right now, aren't you?

- No way!
- No way, McKibben.

Sadie, do this for me.
I really like this girl.

If you have to pretend to be
all harmless to win her over,

then clearly, you've
picked the wrong girl.

- Again!
- I'll pay your way.

You have to pay for Sergio, too.

Done! Thank you.

Since you're homosexual sinners

and seem cool with the
whole "going to hell" thing,

can I ask you a question?

Please do.

I've always dreamed of
going to heaven one day

and spending eternity with my family.

But now my dad can't go and I
don't know what to say to him.

Sweet tits, you got some bad info.

Your dad's not going to hell.

He's going to gay heaven.

Gay heaven is a nonstop
artisan cocktail mixer

courtesy of The Scissor
Sisters and Heatherette.

It makes straight heaven look
like a busted clearance sale

at T.J. Maxx.

That's where you'll be,
Lissa. Straight heaven.

Get ready for boxed white
zin and an endless loop

of Everybody Loves Raymond reruns.

What?

There are too many
heavens to keep straight!

It's like Kierkegaard
humped a loaf of wonder bread

and made a baby.

Even though Val was mercifully
clueless about the database,

I didn't know if Tamara
and I would stay anonymous.

[Cell phone alert chiming]

And frankly, dudes were
the last thing on my mind.

- Hey, Jenna!
- Hey, Owen!

You know, after how things went down,

it's... it's cool you still
put me on the dude database.

You know, #SecretHottieWithABody.

- Did Owen just kiss your cheek?
- What? No.

I mean, yes.

Are you guys friends now?
Why the random fandom?

Okay. Owen was the guy I
hooked up with at new year's

- and, like, once afterwards.
- Wait. What?

Look, I feel super weird
about not telling you.

I didn't even know he was a sophomore.

And then I kind of took his "v" card.

And now he thinks I
hashtagged him, but I didn't.

So it must be someone playing a joke...

Spoiler alert, Jenna.

I wrote that Owen hashtag...

After we hooked up!

Okay, you cannot walk away.

This is not bad enough
for a walkaway moment.

OMG, that's so funny because...

The guy who sits there has mono.

I didn't even know you liked Owen!

Well, I tried to tell you this morning.

You tried to tell me...

Oh, yeah. Never.

It was supposed to be a onetime thing!

He's just not like the
guys I normally date so...

So he's not a jock-du-jour
or a drug pusher

or some hot college guy
you abandoned on a mountain?

Well, that was face-stabbingly thorough.

Look it, T., Owen is
great, just not for me.

- I am happy for you.
- Oh!

So he's not good enough for you,

- but he is good enough for me?
- [Clapping]

Mesdemoiselles... [Speaking French]

- What did she say?
- She said, "get out."

Tamara and I were clearly
speaking a different language.

And I needed to find one
particular translator.

- Oh.
- Pretty low, Owen.

Hooking up with Tamara,

and then pretending to
be all sweet with me?

Wait, what? I mean, I think Tamara's rad.

Yeah, I think she's rad, too.

Which is why I'm not gonna let
you use her to get back at me.

Wait, but you told me to
go after someone amazing.

Of course I'm gonna go after Tamara.

Because you like her, or
because you want to hurt me?

Tamara is my best friend,
and now she's hurt.

So if that matters to you,
then you'll stay away from her.

[Sighs]

Any civil disobedience

having to do with the hashtagging of boys

will be handled former Soviet block style.

A lot of people were still
salty because of the database.

Tamara and I weren't exactly sweet.

Maybe she was right to be mad at me.

But she wasn't right
about it all blowing over.

Not even close.

- You asked for it, comrades.
- [Screaming]

The hose it is.

So there's Christian
heaven, Muslim heaven,

gay heaven, straight heaven,

- do bisexuals go back and forth?
- Ugh!

Shut up. None of those even exist.

You don't believe in any of it?

If you ever tell anyone this,

I will gouge out your eyes with my thumbs.

But I believe in love

and not saying someone is
going to hell for being gay.

Because whoever says that is an [bleep].

- God says that!
- Your handsy mom

and newly-minted gay dad say God says that.

Not sure those hypocrites speak for him.

- [Cell phone alert chimes]
- This thing won't shut up.

It's ruining my chardonnay
and Melatonin-flavored me time.

Sergio's car stalled.

I'm gonna go take this booze bag's Benz

and pick him up for this lame date.

I'm standing right here.

No, I totally know that.

Who are you?

I'm Lissa.

You've met me, like, so many times.

You look like you need a drink.

I think I need some advice.

From me?

You need advice from me?

Tamara found out I never told her

about hooking up with
this guy that she likes,

so I said that she should have him

and then she flipped out on me.

- Ouch.
- Well, I told her the truth.

You also told her that
she could have the guy

you were done with. Okay, quick story.

When your father and I were dating,

we broke up several times,

but the makeup sex was always so...

- Mom.
- Anyway,

to teach him a lesson
during one of the breakups,

I went out with his friend, Paul.

When we got back together, I
told him I hung out with Paul.

I did not tell him that
Paul tried to go all the way.

So I should have told Tamara about Owen,

just not the details?

Sometimes you tell
just enough of the truth

to spare people the hurt.

Hmm, that story was
actually really relevant.

- Thanks, Mom.
- Hmm.

Wait, was any of that even true?

Oh, honey, you feel better.
Does it really matter?

Gabby, if you drop Matty
now, no one will ever know

we were at this astroturf
kiddie dumping ground.

Just no one Instagram anything.

Hey, maybe we should split up into teams.

Little friendly competition?

That's kind of unfair, don't you think?

I mean, we're both athletes and they're...

Finish that thought, mijo.

Oh, no. It's now my new mission in life

to destroy you at mini golf.

[Knock at door]

Evenin', ma'am.

I'm here to check out your plumbing.

Jake, are you...

Oh, God, is this supposed
to be sexy or something?

Well, my customers usually
aren't this forward,

but if that's what you're
looking for, I'm good to go.

Okay, stop saying things and come inside.

I'm just trying to give
you a taste of the bad boy.

Okay?

But you're not a bad boy.

Ugh, not even here? I can't win.

No matter how hard I try,

whether I'm the clean-cut class president

or a serious musician or a studly plumber,

I just keep getting the cutesy bull[bleep]

Like #PuppyLove or #TakeHomeToMommy.

I want to be #HitItAndQuitIt.

Aw, you're just not
douchey enough for that,

which is a good thing.

Because when you learn to be
comfortable with who you are,

it won't matter

if you're wearing a
varsity jacket or a guitar

or a plumber's outfit you
saw in a bad '80s porn.

Are you sure you don't
want me to check your pipes

before I burn this ridiculous getup?

Ah, screw it, a quick
snaking couldn't hurt.

Oh! Nice.

It's all in the wrist.

Okay, just like here.

Oh, my, coach. Hands.

- Focus, McKibben.
- Got it.

Hole in one.

- Yeah!
- [Sighs]

All right, you're up, Sergio.

Miss this, and I will
rip off your [bleep]!

That only hurts you, babe.

[Coughs]

- Ha! Huh?
- Mm-hmm.

Hmm?

All right. Okay, okay.

I admit, I am the worst mini golfer here.

But how about this...
I make this here putt,

and you kiss me tonight?

If you make this putt, I'll die of shock,

so you'll be kissing a corpse.

Oh, I will take that as a yes.

- Oh!
- Oh! Whoa! Nice!

- Yeah!
- No!

So when a hookup is on the
line, suddenly you can play?

Well, it's a classic
way to step up the game.

I think "game" is the
operative word here, player.

Okay.

What did I do? Don't feel bad.

Maybe mini golf just
isn't an athlete's game.

[Laughs]

When I don't answer my phone,

it's 'cause I don't want to talk to you.

Just wait.

I was a jerk about the Owen situation

and definitely said some wrong things.

Go on.

I should have told you about Owen sooner.

I shouldn't have told you
about the virginity thing

or said that he was hung up on me,

which clearly isn't the case,

since he immediately went
and hooked up with you.

I made it all about me.

Because you think the whole
world revolves around you.

Okay, jeez, I am trying to apologize.

Apology declined. Hi, Owen.

Owen, what are you doing here?

Uh, drinking juice.

I invited him. Oh, and
he told me what you said,

about how you think he's
using me to hurt you!

Again, it's not all about you!

Owen, I can't believe you told her that.

I was yelling at him for
not telling me about you

in the first place,

and he terror-spilled it out
of fear for his young life.

So turn your outrage back over here.

Tamara, chill. I am trying
to make things better.

By keeping more secrets?

By assuming Owen wouldn't want me for me?

You still don't get it.
It's not even about Owen.

- It's not?
- Owen, be quiet.

Jenna, this is all about you and me.

You and me?

Actually, it's mostly just about you.

We're having juice now. 'Kay, thanks, bye!

Don't get in the backseat, Gabby.

His putter doesn't work right!

Yeah, not exactly good winners, huh?

Well, then again,

you're not exactly the... the
best loser I've ever seen either.

Being competitive got me
a full ride to Stanford.

Okay, you know what? I-I give up.

So, actually, you win.

Maybe that's your problem, McKibben.

Things come so easy to you,
you can't handle a challenge.

You don't know me.

This is the first time we have interacted,

yet you seem to be an
expert on... on who I am?

I know you've been trying way too hard

to convince me you're a good guy.

Did it ever occur to you that

it might be because I like you?

If you're so up for challenges, Gabby,

why don't you challenge yourself?

Get to know me, instead
of doing the easy thing

and... and icing me
out because you believe

a bunch of stupid hashtags and rumors.

You seem better than that.

Any of this getting through?

Score!

I'm kidding.

You know that whole "you're
better than that" thing

is the only thing that's
getting to me, right?

Yeah. Why do you think
I saved it for last?

The more I tried to do the right thing,

- the worse things got.
- [Cell phone alert chiming]

Tamara and I weren't the
only ones having friction.

The dude database was rubbing
everyone the wrong way.

Nice to see a friendly face.

Absolutely. The friendliest face.

These ladies have no [bleep] idea.

Okay?

Stop! Dead in your
tracks. Attention, seniors.

Do you find yourself friendless
and alienated from everyone?

Come to the club room in five minutes

to find out how to
stop being awful people.

Mandatory!

There is a lot of hate
in here. And I get it.

I can see why some of you hate each other.

I hate some of you, too.

I mean, sometimes when
you come into my office

with your whining, I want to kill myself.

But welcome to Val's "Ur The Change"!

The "you're" is spelled u-r.

Let's get all that hate
out in the open. Go!

I could go first, Val.

Oh, what a good attitude, Sadie.

Don't edit yourself.

We can all take it, right, everyone?

Huh?

I hate...

this lame exercise you're forcing on us.

You're a fake teacher
and should be fired again

or thrown in jail for gross negligence.

Do us all a favor and self-deport

to whatever nowhere country

gave you your 3-easy-steps
online degree in counseling

and demand a refund.

You're welcome.

Wow! I do feel better.

Next!

I hate that all you most
base level of basic bitches

need infantile bonding exercises
to process your [bleep].

- Grow a pair.
- Preach!

I hate that... that...

that God is an [bleep]!

Isn't God the worst?

I hate that gummy worms
won't tell me their secrets.

No faces.

I hate this. It's weird.

And, well, I'd rather
be doing anything else.

Except maybe playing mini golf?

[Snorts]

I don't hate anything.

I guess I'm just a nice guy that way.

I hate when my best friend

doesn't tell me huge things in her life,

and then throws me her sloppy
seconds like it's a favor.

And I hate when you can't see

that I am sincerely trying to help!

I hate that you can't see

that I'm not always second best!

I hate that you think you're second best.

I mean, you're so organized,

and... and you have your [bleep] together,

and you don't exist in this
constant state of teen angst.

Well, I hate that you don't see

that you're the kind of relaxed cool

that I will never relax enough to be.

All the guys flock to you and...

[Scoffs] I'm jealous.

T., you're gorgeous. You got into college.

You're about to take
control of your future.

- You're amazing.
- Thank you for saying that.

Was that so hard? You're amazing, too.

You know what, clearly,
this isn't working.

I'm guessing it's your fault.

I'm just gonna throw in the puberty video

and pretend like this never happened.

After Tamara and I very
publicly cleared the air,

we still needed to anonymously atone

for our anonymous dude database drama.

So we decided to add positive hashtags

- to level the playing field.
- What about Kyle?

- He's a tough one.
- #EmoStud?

Oh, #SecretTigerInBed!

[Cell phone alerts chiming]

Owen! Hey, come here for a sec.

Jenna, Tamara,

looks like you guys are getting along.

You stepped into some heavy drama

that was not of your
making, and we're sorry.

I just hope this didn't
fully scar you or anything.

Are you kidding? Two
senior girls in two weeks.

I'm basically a legend. I
mean, you don't even know.

Ugh. He's so #AdorablyGoofy.

Is it tragic that I still want some?

- Yes!
- J.K., I'm done.

- _
- Hey, I thought you said we couldn't delete

this stupid database?

Jenna, please. You can't delete it.

Too late, I already did.

No! Jenna, I didn't
mean you can't delete it!

I mean don't [bleep] delete it!

- _
- [Cell phone alerts chiming]

_

Holy [bleep].