Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 4, Episode 13 - Auld Lang Party - full transcript

Previously on Awkward...

You lied about everything.
You're not pregnant.

You're not anything.

And if you ever come back here,

then I will tell everybody the truth.

I feel bad about how we ended things.

He said I was a good person.

That son of a bitch.

Jenna, I'm sorry for not trusting you.

New Year's Eve...

a night for saying good-bye to the old



and hello to the new.

"The old" being psycho Eva

who almost destroyed
my friendship with Matty

while sabotaging my
relationship with Luke.

Yet, it was high time to Usher in the new

with a quiet night at home.

Just me, Matty, and a
bottle of cheap champagne.

Are you having some romantic rendezvous

I don't know about?

I thought it was just you and Matty.

It is.

- Oh.
- It's not like that.

We're just friends.

Matty asked to come over tonight



and I thought I'd make it special

since this is our last
New Year's Eve together.

Wait, if it's just you and Matty,

what are you gonna do at midnight?

- Are you gonna kiss?
- No.

That's not what this is about.

All I'm saying is you're both single

and on the rebound.

He may have a different
idea of what's gonna happen.

[Phone chimes]

Your father keeps drunk-dialing me.

He should've just gone

to Ally's party with me
instead of bro-ing out

at some stupid football game.

Hi, hon.

I know I'm hotter than those cheerleaders!

Would Matty really
expect a kiss at midnight?

Is that why he invited himself over?

I highly doubted it, but
when it came to Matty,

I'd been wrong before.

[Phone buzzes]

Happy new year.

"Happy"? Happy?

How am I supposed to have a happy new year

when you've abandoned me like a baby

in a dumpster outside of prom?

I'm sorry.

Matty wanted a quiet night in.

I don't think he's ready to deal

with people asking him about Eva.

Maybe he can choose another
night to play J.D. Salinger?

One that won't make my
New Year's Auld Lang suck.

It's not just him.

I thought I'd be spending
tonight with Luke.

Just not up to partying right now.

What am I supposed to do,
roll solo to Yogurtland?

[Doorbell rings]

Okay, hey, I gotta go.

Matty's here, but happy new year,

and I'll talk to you tomorrow.

[Dreamy music]

♪

[Both mumbling, laughing]

- Both: Hey!
- Happy new year!

Are we early? Were you guys having dinner?

Nope. Tamara's on her way.

And the table is for my parents.

Hi, Matty.

Do you like the table
Jenna set up for you two?

She spent all day cooking.

My solo night with Matty

had turned into a group affair.

So much for any chance of a midnight kiss,

but it was nice to have my closest friends

back together, drama-free.

"I resolve to shave."

This is obviously for Jake
to get rid of his 2:00 shadow.

Nope, I wrote that one
for you to shave your legs.

[Laughter]

Fun resolution game, Jenna.

Thanks for inviting me

to your exclusive party
at the very last minute.

You're welcome.

Matty, your turn.

[Clears throat]

"I resolve to stop dating psychos

who fake their pregnancy."

You guys, who wrote that?

Not cool. Everyone, relax.

I wrote it for myself. It's a joke.

- You sure you're okay?
- Yeah.

We can joke about things.

Please, it makes me feel normal.

"Normal." What a wonderful word.

And Matty and I were on
the path back to normalcy.

But what was normal for us?

Friends? Or something more?

- Pass these.
- Hi, Ty Ty.

What are you doing?

That's Lissa's fake brother, not a waiter.

Oh, my bad.

And that's my friend, Sergio, you racist.

No one here is the help.

Uh, yeah. You are.

Why do you think I told

you and Blondie to wear black and white

and invite your friends?

[Doorbell rings] Ooh.

That must be my Pi Phi Delts.

Hold on to your bras, bitches.

What up, sluts?

[All cheering]

Happy new year!

Hi. Hi.

Oh, could you hold Bronson?

- [Baby spits]
- [Gasps]

Oh, I'm so sorry.

¿Hablas inglés?

Ally wants a party? I'll give her a party.

This thing is going wide.

"Come to 16 Las Ricas place

"for the biggest New Year's Eve bash ever.

Tell all your friends."

[Phones ring, chime, honk]

Sadie's having a party
at her aunt's house.

We should go, not that this isn't fun.

My mom's there. Who
would want to go to that?

Uh, a lot of people.

Let's go.

I thought you wanted
to have a quiet night.

Oh, that's why this is so lame.

No, this has been great,

but Sadie's could be fun too.

I just thought that maybe

- you'd want to talk or...
- Enough.

Are you guys playing for
gold in the Olympic Lames?

Jenna, Matty, stop moping.

Move on.

[Bleep] it!

Yeah. What she said. [Bleep] it.

You know what? We should
make a [bleep] it list.

Everything we thought we couldn't do,

'cause we were too sad or too scared,

we should just carpe do it!

Y.O.G.O... You only graduate once.

So skip class and hook up with a rando,

and go to Sadie's rager.

Hell yeah.

- [Clears throat]
- Whoo.

Only problem is I don't
want to hook up with a rando.

Yeah, me either.

Hey, I have a resolution for us.

Eh, it's more of a pact.

- Okay.
- Neither of us hooks up.

If we see the other flirting,

then we swoop in and stop it like a...

- Reverse wingman.
- So can we go?

Why did Matty make the no-hook-up pact?

Was it for fun or did he want to make sure

we were together at midnight?

Maybe there really was
a kiss in our future.

All right. Let's go.

Why did Ally invite Barbara McKibben?

She hates me.

She invited the entire P.T.A.

Odds are she was drunk at the time.

Mmm.

Kamikaze, daddy?

- Mommy?
- Mmm. Thanks, honey.

You know I don't drink
hard alcohol, Missy.

But there's that bottle of
vodka in the laundry hamper.

It's tough on stains.

Tyler, I'll take whatever you have.

Thank you.

Mmm.

- Mmm.
- Shot?

Oh, no, thanks. I'm on a cleanse.

Oh, for God's sake.

I have an 18-year unbroken streak

of throwing kick-ass parties.

It does not end tonight!

Time to put some spice on this ice.

Ice luge!

Sadie texted me saying
there is an ice luge!

I am so excited.

I hope that dumb yum
wrestler Pete is here.

He's number one on my [bleep] it list.

I need to finish what
I started in Snow Valley

- and tap him out.
- [Grunts]

Holla, party people!

Who's ready to get this new year's jam on?

[Door closes]

Oh.

- Nice one.
- Hey, guys.

I am so happy you are here.

This party is so lame.

And Jenna's father abandoned me to go

to some stupid Splenda Bowl.

- Both: Sugar.
- Whatever.

Which leaves me here with Val who I love,

but...

You know?

Hi, Matty.

Tamela, Jake, Jenna.

Mom, what are you doing here?

Ally invited me.

I don't know why I'm
here. I don't know anyone.

Well, I do.

Looks like Matty needed
less of a cock block

and more of an emotional rock.

He and his mom were clearly
still not on good terms.

[Doorbell rings]

It's a new year's miracle!

[All cheering]

[Energetic dance music]

♪

Welcome, everybody!

Happy new year!

What did you do?

I invited the entire school... district.

Your geriatric snore-fest

just turned into a high school rager.

Thank you.

So much for a night of
getting closer to Matty.

Sadie's party was already
epic and overwhelming.

I didn't recognize half the people there

and hadn't seen Matty for an hour.

The way things were going,

we'd never be together at midnight.

There's Pete. I'm going in.

But first, some liquid courage.

Hey. Excuse me.

Whew.

That was a close call.

Better let me get it for you.

[Clears throat]

Can I see some I.D., son?

- Uh, I-I, uh...
- Don't have one?

Looks like I'm gonna have to cuff you.

Officer, I've been bad.

Cuff me.

[Dance music]

That fake-out was pretty good,

but I knew you hired a stripper.

I totally knew that.
I'm gonna need a drink.

I'm taking all you fine ladies down...

Town.

Whoo!

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Never had cock-blocking been so literal.

How was hanging with Matty so hard?

Wrong word. Difficult.

[All shouting, whistling]

Hey, do you guys know whose party this is?

I just heard it's like a former rich bitch

whose mom just, like, bailed on her

and now she has to live at
home with her drunk aunt.

- So dark.
- You know what's dark?

The dungeon where I keep rude
people who run their mouth.

You want to see it?

I don't need you to defend me.

Yowzer.

There's a cougar is on the prowl.

I'm Natalie.

Oh, do you guys go to SCU?

Uh, what do you think?

College was such a great time.

- It's great.
- Yeah.

So what's your major?

He's in beauty school.

He's totally changed my
approach to eye shadow.

She thought she was an autumn.

[Laughs] Can you believe that?

I can't believe whatever
it is you're doing.

Hey, Jake. Play us a song.

- Oh.
- Oh, are you a singer?

I am whatever you want me

♪ to be ♪

[Vocalizing]

♪ girl ♪

I know someone else

who would love the sound of your voice.

Come upstairs.

Upstairs?

[Mouths silently] Threesome.

[Chuckles]

That's Madison.

Do you know any lullabies?

Oh. Um...

♪ Hey, DJ ♪

How do you even know what an "autumn" is?

Cosmo.

Cock-blocking Matty was kind of fun.

This wasn't how I thought we'd reconnect,

but hey, when in Rome or Ally's.

Hey, what's your name?

Oh, um, I'm...

Oh, so sorry to interrupt, Jenna,

but you've got this huge bat in the cave.

She's getting over a nasty cold, man.

[Groans]

Hey, dude, this keg is kicked!

I'll see you later.

Matty wasn't getting away that easy.

Wait, Matty was getting away.

- Hey, I'm Owen.
- Nice to meet you, Owen.

Isn't this the best party ever?

Yeah, it's full of kids.

Don't you feel a little out of place?

Honey, just relax. Have fun.

I'm gonna get a wine
cooler. Do you want anything?

Happy new year!

[Cheers and applause]

Looks like your mom's having fun.

Yeah, it's embarrassing.

Hey, at least your mom
knows how to have fun.

Have you talked to her about anything?

I don't know how to talk to her.

Remember when my mom wrote me

the carefrontation letter?

Yeah, that was brutal.

Beyond.

And I thought I would never forgive her,

but I'm glad I did.

I realized that adults are just people,

making it up as they go along.

You should talk to her.

Yeah, maybe I'll try.

We need to find someplace private.

Anywhere. I need to kiss you.

Aah!

Oh, my God!

Daddy, what's going on?

Lissa!

This man told me he was a police officer!

I swear.

You mean he made you lick his tummy?

What is going on here?

Lissa?

I saw daddy...

I saw a daddy longlegs.

Oh. Well, kill it.

They're opening a '95
Moet in the living room.

Come, Tyler. I'd love some bubbly.

- Let's go.
- [Laughs]

Okay, what were you really screaming at?

I think my dad might be gay.

Okay.

He is so gay.

His obsession with spin class,

shoes, and Jesus' abs tips it off.

Relax. It's a good thing.

Now he can finally come
out, instead of hiding

in that closet full of yellow pants.

You should tell your mom.

I can't! That would kill her.

Is it even my secret to tell?

Jesus does have great abs.

[Dance music]

You've got great moves, Tamara.

You don't know the half of it.

[Plays guitar]

You're amazing.

It usually takes forever
for her to fall asleep.

I'm happy to help. She's really cute.

You're really cute.

Who do you have there?

She was my horse.

"Was" your horse? Did she quit?

No, I had her when I was rich,

before my dad went to prison
and my mom abandoned me.

I'm sorry, Sadita.

Don't feel bad for me.

I'll do what I want to, bitch.

Pussy.

Where's Jake? It's almost midnight.

I wanted us all to be together.

I definitely don't want
to interrupt him right now.

So where's Tamara?

Ah, okay.

She's out.

Just you and me.

Let's find some fancy booze
for our midnight toast.

Perfect.

So it would be just me
and Matty at midnight,

a new year starting off
with a lot of promise.

Oh.

Looks like your mom's
having a great time...

With my mom.

Oh, God. They're coming towards us.

- What up, kids?
- Hi, guys!

- What up... moms?
- [Laughter]

Are you guys having fun?

- Yeah, you know what?
- [Blows raspberry]

It turns out Lacey and I have a lot more

in common than we thought.

We're gonna start a book and wine club.

- Or maybe just wine.
- Right, maybe just wine.

I had never seen Matty's mom like this.

She seemed human.

[Chuckles]

- Oh, no.
- What are you doing?

I want to hang with my new bestie, Barb.

You have to let them talk.

New bestie? What?

[Thud] Oh, come on.

Better go do damage control.

Val, I didn't mean it! I didn't!

Looked like Matty and I
had a lot to celebrate.

I needed to find something
nice for our midnight toast.

I wanted it to be perfect.

Tyler, I feel like I've
barely seen you all night.

I've been showing him around the house.

Aren't we an attentive little hostess?

But let's not monopolize him, okay?

Your mother's right, Lissa.

You need to share.

You're right, daddy,

we should all share.

Do you have anything you want to share?

Please?

No.

Well, then,

I do.

I don't think it's healthy to live a lie.

So I want to share that...

that...

I'm in love with my brother!

[Gasps]

Not what I was expecting you to say,

but impressive nonetheless.

Word.

Ah, I feel so much better now.

Daddy, do you have anything
you would like to say?

Yes, I do.

I'm so glad you confessed
your sins, Lissa.

God forgives.

Well, he might,

but only after buckets of atonement.

Lust within the bosom of the family

is a vile sin!

There was no bosom. It was over the shirt.

Is that Green Day?

Oh, hey.

- Owen, right?
- Yeah.

- Hi, Jenna.
- Sorry to interrupt.

It just sounded like you
were playing Basket Case.

And that was, like, my
favorite song as a kid.

Well, technically you're right.

But I prefer the classical version.

Pachelbel's Canon in "D."

♪

Wow.

Well, nothing says punk
rock like ripping off

a dead 17th century composer, so...

[Plays Symphony No. 5]

Oh, is that that Robin Thicke one,

When I Get You Alone?

Slightly more obvious,

better known as Beethoven's Fifth.

♪

- That is so cool.
- Yep.

You were a classical music fan,
and you didn't even know it.

Hey, I'm sorry I was so rude earlier.

I was looking for someone.

Oh, no worries.

Well, it was nice to see you,

and I better go.

Look for someone. Got it.

Bye.

Ooh.

Mom, I'm sorry I've given you

so much [bleep] these past few months.

Matty, watch your language.

You've put me through the [bleep] wringer.

Mom.

Don't tell your father.

But after a few Pinot Grigios,
I turn into Chris Rock.

I'm the one who should be sorry.

I really... I could've
handled things so much better.

I'm not exactly a perfect mother.

Well, I'm not exactly the perfect son.

Thanks.

Midnight was approaching,
and no sign of Matty.

He said he wanted to be
together, but where was he?

Hey.

Have you guys seen Matty?

- No.
- I did.

He took off with some older chick.

His mom?

I think his mom's with your mom.

Hello, hell frozen over.

Anyone have a fire Popsicle?

It was some hot cougar chick

who was totally hammered
and so ready to throw down.

Pete, focus.

Not only did Matty not
care about being together

at midnight, but he clearly
wasn't really worried

about our no-hook-up pact either.

All I knew was I didn't
want to start a new year

feeling rejected by him.

Been there, done that.

And the new year is supposed to be... new.

[Plays piano]

[Music stops]

Do you take requests?

Have you guys seen Jenna?

Mm.

Ten seconds to midnight!

All: Ten, nine, eight, seven, six,

five, four, three,

two, one!

Happy new year!

♪ All we gotta do ♪

♪ Is keep this secret ♪

♪ We can keep this secret ♪

♪ We can keep this secret ♪

♪ All we gotta do ♪

♪ Is keep this secret ♪

♪ We can keep this secret ♪

♪ We can keep this secret ♪

♪ All we gotta do ♪

♪ Is keep this secret ♪

♪ We can keep this secret ♪

♪

In the light of day, the
new year looked promising.

Matty and I had both failed
at our no-hook-up pact,

but not at renewing our friendship.

Owen and I hadn't exchanged
numbers or even last names.

He was the perfect midnight kiss...

No complications.

And we only went to second base,

so as far as I was concerned,

I had a very clean slate.

Oh, look who came up for air.

My face is actually sore
from making out with Pete.

He is crossed off my "[bleep] it" list.

Gross. I'm glad my midnight
kiss wasn't like that.

You broke the no-hook-up pact?

Well, if you call kissing
my mom on the cheek

breaking the pact.

Which I wouldn't, because it's gross.

Yeah, I wouldn't want to
be kissing any old moms.

- Wait, your mom?
- Yeah, I talked to her.

- It was really good.
- Good.

Where were you at midnight, Jenna?

Yeah, I was looking for you.

Uh...

Does that guy go to our school?

Owen?

Sophomore in orchestra.

Who cares? Where were you at midnight?

[Gasps] Oh, my God,
did you break the pact?

My clean slate had
suddenly become a bit dirty.

Not only did I break
the no-hook-up pact,

but I did it with a sophomore.

No, I was with my mom also.

- [Laughs]
- Outside.

- She was puking.
- Mm.

Wow. Looks like we did it.

Although you owe me a midnight kiss.

Make that a very dirty slate.