Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 3, Episode 9 - Reality Check - full transcript

Previously on Awkward...

She's got a performance tonight

- which she's now shut me out of.
- That's not true.

I am shutting all of you
out of it.

You know what's interesting?

- What?
- You.

You were classic.

I didn't know
if Matty's cheese-nasty playlist

was throwing me off
or the paralyzing guilt I felt

from hitting
the "Ignore" button

when he showed up
the night before,



but either way, I was phoning
it in to my own booty call.

- You okay?
- Mm-hmm.

You seem distracted
by something.

Unfortunately, "something"
had a name: Collin Jennings,

who I hadn't stopped
thinking about

since we bonded over lemon bars
in my epic outing,

but with my man in my bed,

I needed to get Collin
out of my head.

I had successfully faked sleep
to Matty,

but would I be able
to pull off faking "it"?

Hold on a second.

♪ Out in the light
last summer night ♪

Oh, my God, that was unreal.

And unfair.



In my naked
and vulnerable state,

my fantasy had rudely creeped in
and made my reality its bitch.

And I couldn't get into it

until freakin' Collin
popped into my head--

not on purpose.
I was trying to focus on Matty.

So then I tried
thinking about baseball,

'cause that's what guys do,

but then Collin showed up
in a Dodgers uniform.

Damn him.

Should I be worried?
I think I should be worried.

Stop being so "dramastic,"
Hamilton.

Everyone has fantasies.

- Even you?
- Of course!

There's no way
you thought-bubble

about anyone but Jake Rosati.

Not true.
I have two bath buddies.

One is my shower massager,

and the other is Niall
from One Direction.

He's not even the cute one.

Henry and I only fantasize
about each other, right, Henry?

What the hell was that?

Guess you and your fake
boyfriend are in a fake fight?

Something is definitely
going down in Chinatown.

Now you and I
can freak out together.

Uh, Ming can buy a ticket
on the freak train,

but, "J", you have nothing
to worry about.

Having fantasies
is totes normal

and the key to maintaining
a healthy relationship.

- What fantasies?
- I don't have any fantasies,

ever, not one.

We're talking one-track mind
here, Rosati.

Can you give us a minute?
We're girl-talking,

and I can't promise the subject
of tampons won't come up.

Uh.

If fantasies are totes normal,
why did you just lie about it?

He is a boy,
which means he is too sensitive

to handle the truth,
and the truth is,

I daydream
about slip-sliding naked

across Niall's
baby-smooth chest.

Which doesn't mean
I love Jake any less.

"T" made a good point, albeit
a slightly disturbing one.

If Jakara wasn't threatened
by Tamara's mental dalliances,

maybe my relationship
was safe from mine.

So, inspired
by junior blogger over there

and her incredibly bleak yarn
about the loss of innocence,

you're all gonna write
about firsts.

Yes, Anger Management?

First what?

How 'bout the first time
you got an "A" in my class?

Oh, wait, that never happened.

What if we haven't had sex yet?

What do we write about?

Open your ears,
American Psycho.

I did not say you had to write
about losing your virginity.

No one wants to hear about your
misadventures with Madison.

- Who?
- Your blow-up girlfriend.

I don't have a--

Her name is Amy.

- Yes?
- Am I done with the assignment?

You used something
that you wrote a year ago.

That's not writing.
It's called "reading."

So should I expand on my story?

You could, if I wasn't
completely out of scotch.

You already wrote the gritty,
tenebrous reality.

Now write what you thought
your first time would be.

- Write the fantasy.
- Not a problem.

I was an expert
in that department.

And this time, try not to
depress the [bleep] out of me.

- Told you you killed it.
- Mm-hmm.

Do you want to know what
I think about this assignment?

Actually, I can't think
of anything I want less.

It's totally inappropriate.

I refuse to write
about slutting it up.

I believe I said
"First anything."

Yeah, but so far,
you've only given good grades

for pervy porn, which
I'm pretty sure is illegal,

- since we're underage.
- First off,

I'd rather put a hot poker
to my balls

than read about your
pubescent fumblings,

and secondly, I have
an ample supply of pervy porn.

Thank you.

- You're not welcome.
- Miss Saxton,

I don't give a crap how you lost
your precious flower.

I just want to know
about the first time you did

or felt something that moved you
or ripped you apart.

Don't think.

What first
absolutely destroyed you?

The first time
I shopped retail.

There you go.
There you go.

I know why you didn't want me
at your reading.

It's because you read a story
about us doing it.

Nothing you haven't
read before.

Just the blog entry
about us in the closet.

I never read your blog.

Well, then you're
the only one who hasn't.

Do you want to read it?

I don't need to.

We share that memory, remember?

It's already in my head.

I had no right to be offended

that he hadn't read my blog,
but I was.

While Matty had never shown
any interest in my writing,

Collin--
a virtual stranger--

had gone out of his way
to hear the unplugged version.

Henry!
Stop running away from me!

What is your deal?
Ugh--whoa!

Jeez, where did you come from?

The where is not as important
as the who.

Okay, then who?

- Fred Wu.
- Fred who?

- Fred Wu.
- Oh, Fred Wu.

- Doesn't ring a bell.
- Let me ring it for you.

Your beard has been shaved.

Ding ding.

I knew it was you.
Ming Fei Yen Huang.

What the hell was that?

The kiss of death!

Becca found out
you've been seeing Fred?

I don't know when
I'll ever see you again,

so if I don't,
just know I love you.

I'm so dead.

And so was my muse,

or at least she was
taking the night off.

While the real version
of my first time with Matty

had almost written itself,

the fantasy version
was playing hard to get.

"There were a lot of things
I wanted to forget

"about my 15th year
on the planet,

"but my summer at Camp Pookah
wasn't one of them.

"The first time I was alone
with Matty McKibben,

a God among boys,
he took my breath away."

♪ I can't take ano-- ♪

"Collin had not only
infiltrated my sex life,

"he was making guest appearances
in my literary one as well.

"But there was no way that dude
was gonna play my muse

"when I had a perfectly hot
boyfriend to get the job done.

"So why wasn't he holding up
his end of the bargain?

"I had spent every minute
of that summer

"daydreaming about Matty

but couldn't conjure up
a single freakin' fantasy."

♪ Of broken plans
to start a craze ♪

♪ all these
half-hearted essays ♪

"This assignment blows."

♪ Tired lines
that don't work out ♪

There was only one surefire way

to combat writer's block:

Ignore it,
trusting that daylight

was going to bring inspiration.

♪ Still glued to the back now ♪

You still writing that paper?

"Still writing" would imply
that I've started.

So take a break.

I can't until I start
this damn thing.

Oh, I bet
we can get it started.

Huh?

I can give you something
to write about.

I won't be able to concentrate
until I get some writing done.

You call me
if you need inspiration.

I see
you're on the writer's diet.

When he wrote,

F. Scott Fitzgerald
took fudge and coffee breaks.

Well, then that's
the only thing

Fitzgerald and I
have in common,

because I've been staring
at a blank page for two days.

You were on fire
at the reading.

Just take what you wrote
and make it sexy.

I'm trying to, but I can
only remember the real thing.

That's the image
that's stuck in my head.

So let it go.

Close your eyes.

Or don't.

Think back to what it was like
before Matty kissed you,

or the first time
he touched you.

Before you knew
anything about him,

you had memorized his smile,
the color of his eyes,

how he always smelled
of chlorine and sunscreen--

of summer--and when
he finally looked at you,

you could live
off that smile for a week.

But nothing could compare

to the first time
he touched you.

It was like you were
the only two people on earth,

and you couldn't stand
the thought

of ever being away
from him again.

See?

You got this.

"The espresso machine
whirred under his voice,

"making it hard to hear
what Collin--

"Making it hard to hear
what he was saying,

but the words didn't matter,
because they were meant for me."

Hey.

How's the paper coming?

All done.
Turned it in yesterday.

- Awesome.
- And I'm guessing

you don't want to read
the new version either?

Matty said he wasn't interested,
so why did I have

this overwhelming urge
to confess?

And what would I confess?

I had a one-night stand
with the page?

Ming.

We shouldn't be meeting
on school grounds.

- Hello Kitty might see us.
- We're safe here.

This sanctuary's too dirty
for Becca's porcelain skin.

Doesn't matter anyway.
She knows about us.

It's the last piece
of the puzzle.

I knew the bitch had power.

I just didn't know
it was so far-reaching.

Now what did she do?

There was a cheating scandal
at my new school.

Guess who was framed for it.

Bitch!

I'm being sent to Idaho.

Idaho? No!

- Yes.
- What's in Idaho?

I don't know, Ming.
I don't know!

Actually, some cousins.

Promise me you'll be careful.

It's too late for me too.
Becca gave me the Judas kiss.

Damn that Becca.
Damn her to hell!

Come with me.

I'd rather take my chances
with Becca than move to Idaho.

I'm a truant, Ming, a felon,

living outside the law.

If I never see you again,
you should know...

I love you.

I love you too.

♪ We would fall ♪

♪ but not in love ♪

Everything was status quo.

My paper was done, and
so was my literary obsession.

Some writers had to drink
or do drugs

to get the juices flowing.

I got inspiration
from another source.

The first time
you got probed by aliens.

What?
It totally happened.

Oh, I have no doubt.
What I don't know

is what transpired from the time
that you saw the light

until after you got probed.

Equating shopping retail
to prison rape.

Wow, that was a bit much,

but a marked improvement
over your other papers.

Keep up the good work, Sadie.

Oh, this is good.

"When I carelessly covered
my lips,

"burned raw
from the scalding tea,

"he reached into his iced mocha

"and fished out
a few pathetic cubes,

"but it wasn't the ice he used
to numb my pain.

"It was his kiss.

The first kiss--"

I'd read on, but I don't want
Kyle's head to explode here.

Miss Hamilton, you were
supposed to write the fantasy.

It was my turn
to get called out.

Mr. Hart had
a built-in B.S. detector.

He knew it wasn't
a redo of the original.

But this feels real.

Maybe the story wasn't real,
but the chemistry you created

between those two
arguably precious characters

was palpable.

I was convinced
my Collin obsession

wasn't a threat
to my relationship,

but if it felt real on paper,
maybe it was real off of it.

You're making the rest of us
look bad.

Oh, you got an eyelash.

Make a wish.

I wished what was happening
wasn't.

I had taken all the blame
for the sexy movies in my head,

but it turns out my fantasies
weren't just one-sided.

Collin was egging it on.

He was the one who had
opened up Pandora's box, not me.

I had no idea who Pandora was,

but her box
needed to stay closed

so nobody else's box
would open.

What'd you wish for?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

- I think you do.
- Nope.

I'm talking about your story
that obviously took place

at the coffeehouse,

the lust, the eyelash blowing.

That paper wasn't about your
first time with Matty.

It was about what you want your
first time with Collin to be.

It's fiction.
I didn't do anything.

I never said you did.

But now I know you wanted to.

And I'm going to tell.

- Who are you gonna tell?
- Who do you think?

- Don't tell.
- Oh, I'm going to.

- I'm gonna get there first.
- I doubt it.

I have longer legs.

What is going on?

Jenna has something
to tell you.

- What is it?
- I, uh...

got an "A" on my paper.

Mm!

Yeah!

Weird.

I'm worried this Collin thing
might be more

than just a fantasy.

I think I might have
actual feelings for him.

Don't put those thoughts
out in the universe.

Last time I did that,
a guy ended up dead.

Wait, you don't want to act
on those feelings, do you?

Please say no.

No?

You have everything
you ever wanted.

Why are you trying
to sabotage it?

I don't know.

A fantasy is just that.

And it's never as good
as the reality.

Niall from One Direction and I
are soul mates,

and he doesn't even know me.

My autographed pic of him,

the one of him standing
on the diving board in a tux,

I bet he didn't even sign it.

My point is, you need to end
this flirtationship

y'asap.

"Yesterday as soon as possible."

Jenna, your relationship
is a house of cards.

Don't open the door
for a breeze.

I am not the one
opening the door.

Collin is.
He's the one squeezing my arm

and pulling eyelashes
off of my face.

You have to talk to him.

- Matty?
- No, Collin.

He is not a cheater.

- Who?
- Matty.

- No, Fred.
- Fred who?

Fred Wu.

He's going away for good,
thanks to Becca.

If it takes
the rest of my life,

I am going to take
that [bleep] down.

I know what you did,

and you're not going
to get away with it.

What's wrong, Ming Ming?

You had Fred's house
redistricted

so he had to transfer schools,

and then you framed him

so he has to leave the state!

If this was a chess game,
and it is,

I'm the grandmaster,

and I just opened
with a Sveshnikov Sicilian.

Reality is, Ming Fei Yen Huang,

I will always be
five moves ahead of you,

and you will always
get crushed.

You know what?
You're probably right.

In fact, you've been right
about me all along.

I'm not Asian.
I'm white.

And you know how a white bitch
deals with an Asian bitch?

She gets in her face.

Oof!

Good-bye, Kitty!

Pushed to her limit,

Ming had finally gone
full-on banana pants.

And it was inspiring.

Maybe I needed to handle
my problems

like a white bitch too.

It's not that I planned
to punch Collin.

I just wanted to give his crush

a serious beat-down.

And no matter how much
he protested,

I was going to put an end
to the flirtationship

once and for all.

♪ As I lay in there ♪

♪ in the shadows ♪

Which turned out to be
much easier than I thought

because it was all in my head.

"While guilt had been
the frontrunner of my emotions,

"it was forced to take
a backseat to rejection,

"with anger in hot pursuit.

"I was mad at myself
for feeling rejected,

"which brought me
right back to guilt

for having those feelings
in the first place."

Why was this paper
in the trash?

And why are you in bed
at 7:00?

Because I'm tired.

Are we having a family meeting?

- No.
- Oh, it's okay, Jenna.

We can have one without you.

Lace, I am so proud
of our daughter.

Have you seen this?

Not only have I seen it,
I've read it.

I dug it out of the trash,

and your paper is awesome.

No, it's not.

It's disgusting and despicable

and almost ruined my life.

- But you got an "A."
- I deserved an "F."

The paper was supposed to be
about Matty, but it--

it was about someone else.

- Collin?
- Mom!

Who's that?

This boy she has a crush on.

There's no crime

in having a crush, Jenna.

He's right.

The fantasy helps sustain
the reality.

I don't know where
your father and I would be

without our celebrity
sandwiches.

- Your what?
- The top two famous people

we'd like to be
in the middle of.

My bread is Clive Owen
and Ryan Gosling,

and your father's
is Charlize Theron

and Kristin Scott Thomas,

who you might want to trade in.

She's getting up there.

Would you rather me being
into someone Jenna's age?

- Good point.
- Mm.

Does that mean
you'll still be into me

when my boobs hit the floor?

Those things
aren't going anywhere.

And I'll always be
into you, woman.

- Mm.
- Okay.

Family meeting over.
Not in my bed.

Not in my bed.
Not in my bed. No.

"Apart from the trauma
of being exposed

"to my parents' make-out sesh
and celebrity subs,

"I had to admit,
I felt relieved.

"And normal.

"Even with old married couples,

having fantasies
was a given."

So I thought that we
could go out tonight,

now that you're
all done writing.

I had exonerated myself,

cleared my name of any crimes
of mental passion.

But it didn't mean Sadie would.

What's going on?

Uh, it's girl signal

for "Your mascara's running."

Oh, gotta go.
Better fix it. Bye.

Are you terrorizing
my girlfriend?

No, just savoring
the erotic written word.

You've read
Jenna's paper, right?

- No.
- Interesting!

I wonder why that is.

I don't know what you're
trying to start here, Sade,

but leave Jenna alone, okay?

If you had read the paper,
you would know

that I'm not the one
you should be lashing out at.

The rumors have been swirling

about yesterday's fight,

but I wanted to hear it
from the horse's mouth.

In detail.

It's been a while since we've
had a good bitch brawl.

Even thought fighting
on school grounds

is punishable by expulsion

and a long stint in juvey,

she chose to punch me
in the face,

unprovoked.

My doctor says I have
a detached retina.

Would you like to see
a note, Ms. Marks?

Nah, I only read
on my Kindle now.

She's lying.

For the past several months,

she has made it
her personal mission

to ruin my life.

Poor thing's suffering
from dementia.

I'm a quiet girl
from a nice Asian family.

I don't even own
a pair of high heels

or a cellular phone.

Cell.
No one says "cellular".

She doesn't need a cell phone.

She has telepathic powers.

Sounds like you think
Becca's magic.

You calling her a witch?

Among other things.

That hurts my heart.

Just go ahead and expel me.

Bust out the paperwork.
I'll sign it.

Why? I have 32
notarized affidavits

swearing Becca walked
into a door.

I thought you'd be the one
who was in trouble, Ming.

So did I!

Ming didn't have to look
over her shoulder anymore,

and I didn't want to have
to look over mine.

You need to read this.

- You sure?
- "I was relieved.

"For about 30 minutes.

"And it had been three hours
since I gave Matty my paper.

"Sure, he was a slow reader,
but not that slow.

"It was fine.

"There were no names,
no specifics,

"and no way anyone
could figure out

"it was about Collin.

Matty would never know."

Hi.

I read your paper.

You need to come over.
Now.

He knows.

- Your paper.
- I know it was unsettling,

but it wasn't real.

It was just a momentary...

lapse in judgment.

It was hot.

I know it didn't
really happen that way.

But it can.

It didn't matter that my story
was about someone else

because my fantasy
had jumped off the page.

Matty McKibben
was the real deal.

And finally, I could get back
to my basics...

and only imagine him.