Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 3, Episode 8 - Rubbed Raw and Reeling - full transcript

Previously on Awkward...

I'm not good enough for Matty,
and everyone knows it.

Collin?

Was it really possible that
in an alternate universe

Jenna Hamilton was cooler
than Matty McKiben?

You seem a little...
out of his league.

What do you see in me?

It was a magical day.

A day of record. Matty and I had
hit the six month mark of coupledome,

and as such, I was reflecting
on how far we've come,

'cause there was an
evolution to relationships,



and by all accounts, we were
each other's missing link.

For the first time
on a long time,

I had a sense of peace
about the state of our union.

Even our honeymoon
chapter had closed,

gone were the days of copious
public displays of affection...

Go get them, sugar-booger!

I will, my tiny-tiger!

...and all the sorts
of baby-talk.

I definitely didn't
miss those days,

'cause Matty and I were fully
evolved, so much so,

that we didn't even
bypass the era of being...

- Jealous?
- Of what?

The McKibenites?

Those are the girls that were dancing
with Matty at Homecoming.



They're harmless.

No, those are rabid fan girls

waiting for you to slip
and crack your head.

Just remember, today's fan club

is tomorrow's console patrol.

They're just cheering him on.

[Girls screaming]

That's not cheering, Jenna.

It's 50 shades of cray.

I'm not worried.

I can share the glory
of my boyfriend.

[Girls screaming]

And I could.

Matty and I were beyond
the plateau of pettiness,

and lived on the highest branch
of the trust tree.

We were secure.

We could handle anything
thrown at us.

Or anyone.

Sorry about that
strange outburst with Dana.

You have nothing
to apologize for.

You didn't maul her.
She mauled you.

It was cute.

You're not jealous?

No, I'm validated.

Clearly, I have good taste.

Hey, babe.
Looks like I got a fan too.

Tamara is living and breathing,

so if you don't move it,
you'll lose it,

'cause I could cut a bitch.

- Hello, bodyguard.
- Shut it, Rosati.

You are one flirt away
from making me

mark my territory
the old-fashioned way.

And that would be?

With pee, like a dog.
I'll do it.

You're a maniac.

I gotta take a shower
before the bell rings.

Or you could have
your fan club lick you clean.

That's not necessary,
unless you'd like the job.

[Sniffs] Ugh, pass.

Bye.

Yo.

How can you be so cool

with your boyfriend
being mobbed and manhandled?

It's called trust, T.
You should try it.

Trust.
None of you trust yourselves.

You guys are writing things
that you think I want to read?

Trust me,
I don't want to read any of it.

So what do you want to write?

No one has any idea?

You guys are smack dab
in the middle of puberty.

Well, some of you.

You guys have raging hormones,

which, unfortunately,
I can smell.

This is the pre-ejaculation
of your lives.

You guys are on the precipice
of exploding.

And then, in ten years,

it'll all go flaccid.

So if you can't
get inspired now,

then fucking bullshit me.

Hoodwink me into believing
that you have something to say.

Fine.
You guys need an incentive.

Who wants to eradicate
50% of their grade?

Mr. Hart
was laying a trap.

He was being underhanded,

and I was far too savvy
to take the bait.

Big surprise.
You're playing it safe.

- No, I'm not.
- It's okay.

There's a lot
of safe, conventional writers

who find success
writing textbooks.

- I'm not playing it safe.
- Yeah, you are.

Shut up, Sadie.

Why should she shut up?

When I look at you,
I see a girl

who keeps it all inside.

And then I read you,
and you prove me right,

because there's nothing personal
on the page.

You never take any chances.

Bullshit.

Oh, wow, finally,
something unexpected from you.

Not true.

I've written plenty of stuff

that's personal and unexpected.

I've exposed myself--

Not in this class.

And I bet you'll never be able

to read something out loud

that exposes vulnerability.

I can read anything
I've written.

Oh, so you're accepting
my challenge?

Yeah.

Do you want me
to do it sitting down,

or up there,
in front of the class?

Neither.
You're going to read it here.

At Bean There, Done That,
tonight, 8:00 PM.

It's open mic night.

Be there, or 50% of your grade

is going to be a zero.

He is a lunatic,

and sadistic.

He is literally
holding me hostage.

You said you volunteered.

Only after he manipulated me.

I am telling you,

he is a cunning
and brilliant sociopath.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Those are very strong words.

So break it down.

What's the method
to his madness?

Does he employ
corporal punishment?

Waterboarding?
Soda boarding?

If you think about it,

the bubbles would
make it a lot worse.

He doesn't beat me physically,

but emotionally,
I am starting to feel scarred.

He basically called me
a pussy in class.

Well...

"Well" what?

If it walks like a duck,

and it talks like a duck,

it's probably a pussy.

I am not a pussy.

Don't get me wrong,
I love you, girl,

but you do err
on the milkier side of toast.

Not true.

Then why are you
in here complaining?

Because he is asking me

to read something personal
at open mic.

- Bean There, Done That?
- Well, yeah.

Ah, I love that place.
Oh, but,

- man, is it a tough crowd.
- Really?

You better bring
something good to read.

I'd suggest August 26th, 2011.

Or September 17th.

No, August 26th.

What are you talking about?

Your blog.

It's a winner.

And now I have to go read
at this stupid coffee house.

It's gonna suck.

- I'm gonna tank.
- You're gonna be great.

And I will be there
to catch you if you fall.

No, you won't.
You can't come.

I don't want anyone to come.

What don't you want us
to come to that we're coming to?

- Nothing.
- She's got a performance

tonight which she's now
shutting me out of.

That's not true, I am shutting
all of you out of it.

I am nervous and insecure.

And we don't need
to do everything together.

Are you implying that I need
to do everything together?

Well, no.

Because Jake and
I have plans tonight.

- Right?
- Right.

Then why did you want
to catch me if I fall?

I forgot.

When did you make plans
without me?

- We might have plans tonight.
- Do we?

No, but the option
was available.

Look, you do you
and I'll do me.

That's right, you do you,

because you won't be doing me
anytime soon

- with a 'tude like that.
- Fine.

- Fine.
- Fine.

Fine.

We're having a, uh,
"brobecue."

"Brobecue," really?

Since when did Matty start
rocking my lexicon?

Since he started posturing
in an attempt

to cover his codependency,
which is cute.

What's not cute
is this freaking assignment.

What the hell am I gonna read?

What about that post
after you went to church camp?

It's topical and safe,
definitely use that.

Safe was exactly
how Mr. Hart

expected me to play it.

No, I'm not gonna be safe.

Gotta go emotionally
bare naked.

Naked.

August 26th, 2011--
oh, this is perfect.

I can't wait to hear it.

Then you're gonna
be waiting a long time,

'cause you're not
coming tonight.

I thought that show of no go
was just for the boys.

- What am I gonna do?
- Sorry, T, you're on your own.

Ugh.

What do you wanna do tonight?

Are you girls inviting me
to hang out?

No, just me.
Jenna has plans.

Oh. What is she doing?

She's reading something
at an open mic thingy

at that coffee place with
old people from the '90s.

Um, those people are not old.

Are you hungry?
I'm hungry.

You wanna make us pizza?

Or you could order one.

Maybe we should
just order pizza.

We're grilling.
That's what men do.

- Men also order pizza too.
- You know what's weird?

Besides the fact that
you just put steaks

on a grill that's not hot?

Did you see all those girls
on me today?

Jenna didn't even make
half a stink-eye.

[Sighs] Oh.

Oh. Oh, do you know
what this is?

- World's smallest violin?
- No.

It's the world's
tiniest jerkoff.

You gotta stop bitching.

You're really making me wanna
kick your ass again.

- You kicked my ass?
- Yeah.

More like sucker-punched.

I'm not the one
who hit the ground.

And I've gotta stop bitching?
What about you?

"Tamara doesn't want me
to do this.

Tamara doesn't want me
to do that.

I can't do anything
without Tamara."

You should be bitching more.

But you know what
kind of bitch doesn't bitch?

A silly little bitch like you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Who's the one
checking their phone?

"Will she text me?

- Why hasn't she texted me?"
- Are you kidding me?

All you've done since
we've got here is text Tamara.

"Hey, babe, just got here.

Hey, babe, we're grillin'
steaks, miss you.

Hey, babe, I just scratched
my ass. OMG. LOL."

I bet you can't go two minutes

without checking your phone.

You wanna put your money
where your mouth is?

50 bucks says you can't
keep off your phone all night.

I'll bet you can't go the night

- without mentioning Jenna.
- And no Tamara?

Oh, you're on.

I can do this.
I can do this.

I can do this.
I can do this. I can do this.

Welcome to "Been There,
Done That" open mic night.

I can't do this.

I was petrified,
for good reason.

And yet, I wasn't sure
what the reason really was.

I didn't know anyone
in the crowd.

No one was gonna know me.

I was anonymous,
invisible, and...

Jenna.

- It's gonna be so much fun.
- ...totally exposed.

Everyone I didn't wanna see
was in the crowd,

so I wanted to see
the one person who wasn't.

If I was gonna be
a sinking ship,

I needed someone
to float me a lifeline.

Hey, this is Matty,
leave a message.

I need you.

Smells like old spirit
just called your name.

- You're up.
- No. I can't go.

- I am not ready.
- Hey, hey, hey.

Don't let your freak flag fly.

I'll warm up the crowd for you.

Let's go to it.
Jenna.

Bad Mama Jama.

Jenna's got cottonmouth.

Okay, uh, then let's hear
Bad Mama Jama.

[Cheers and applause]

Good evening, my peoples.

The next 15 minutes,
we're gonna take a ride

into my subconscious.

Things are gonna get
crazy, sexy, cool.

But with my brand of T-L-C,

we won't be chasing waterfalls.

Mm-mm.

I couldn't face
a hostile crowd.

And Mr. Hart was a no-show,

so he would never know
if I did or didn't go.

And that meant I was gone.

The inner swell,
a belly button smell.

Now for my interpretive dance
of everyone's inner struggle.

[Low-key music]

♪ ♪

Watch out.

You might a get a little drizzle
from my sizzle.

This is great.

Just two old buds,
cold brewskies.

Grilling some steaks,
no girl talk.

No cell phones buzzing.

The only buzz I'm getting

- is from your shitty beer.
- Oh, it's not mine.

It's left over from
a kickback at, uh--

Who?

- Tatonka.
- Oh.

She's a new girl.
Probably haven't met her yet.

So did you catch
that game last night?

- It was pretty brutal.
- No, no.

I had to go to Jenn--
ifer Lopez's concert.

Really, Jennifer Lopez?

- What'd you pay for that ticket?
- It was free.

'Cause love don't cost a thing.

So how'd you do
on that trig quiz?

Pretty good,
but not as good as...

someone.

Oh, did you play
the new Assassin's Creed?

- It's pretty sick.
- That's what I hear.

I haven't it tried it yet,
'cause I always

get stuck playing Mario Kart
because J--

Because it's tougher
than you thought?

- You ready to tap out?
- I'm not tapping out.

[Upbeat tribal music]

♪ ♪

[Phone vibrates]

♪ ♪

Jenna wants us to leave.

She doesn't want us to hear
what she's about to read.

What if it's about me
and the letter?

We're adults.

This is the young woman
that we raised.

We can handle whatever
she has to say.

[Sighs]

♪ ♪

[Clapping]

That was something.

Um, is Jenna here?

Jenna Hamilton?

- Whoo!
- Let's hear it for Jenna.

[Cheers and applause]

Yeah!

Hi.

My name is Jenna Hamilton.

And, um,

this is the story of how
I lost my virginity.

I'll be in the car.

My story is called
"Rubbed Raw And Reeling."

We can see
how rubbed raw you are.

Close your legs.

"It was the last day
of summer camp

during a lame afternoon dance,

but magic was in the air.

The dorks were getting crunk

and the rest of us
were getting drunk.

For the first time
since I got my braces off,

I didn't feel invisible."

Although, invisible
doesn't sound like

a bad proposition right now.

My mom's here.

[Laughter]

"So there it was, the signal.

I was hoping he'd do
something more inspired,

like sniff his armpits,

but Matty had a habit
of doing that."

[Laughter]

A lot.

[Laughter]

[Sniffing]

- You nervous?
- [Scoffs] No.

[Sizzling] You should be.

That's our last steak, man.

Oh, shit!

- No!
- Aah!

Oh, gross, man.

Don't you ever power wash
your patio?

It's fine.
It's totally edible.

Really?
Then eat it.

Well, I will,

- after it's done cooking.
- Nope.

You said it's edible.
Eat it now.

I dare you.
[Chuckles]

You dare me?
Was is this, fifth grade?

Oh, I see.
You're afraid, hm?

Guess we should've
grilled chicken instead.

[Bawking]

Dude, give me that.

[Chuckles]

[Grunts, chuckles]

- Oh, it's delicious.
- That's disgusting.

Ugh.
No.

You know what's disgusting?

Why don't you eat this?

- Whole. I dare you.
- Oh, yeah?

Mmm.
Mmm.

- So good.
- No crying.

[Laughs]

[Grunts] I dare you.

[Cackles]

Aah! Aah.

[Both groaning]

What do you got?
What do you got?

- Cinnamon, one cap full.
- Oh, yeah?

- Just one, huh?
- Yeah.

- Please.
- You have to swallow it!

[Laughter]

"Yeah, so change
was in the air.

I could smell it.

There was change and
pine-scented cleanser.

My lady business was on fire.

But somehow, admitting
my virgin status

seemed like a buzzkill."

Good move.
It's always a buzzkill.

Not always.

And that's why there's
laws against pedophiles.

[Laughter]

Thanks.

I'd love to contribute
to your site.

[Clapping]

Wow. I guess you're not
the coddling type after all.

Putting your feet to the flame
did you wonders.

I'm not so sure about that.

What's your next tactic,
beating me?

Maybe.
Will that work?

- No.
- [Chuckles]

Well, thanks
for not torturing me.

It appeared my relationship

with Mr. Hart
was also evolving.

Was that a compliment?

I think that's
as good as it gets.

He is such a strange man.

And you're a whore,
but what else is new?

You guys wanna grab a bite?

With her?
No.

Thanks for the show and tell.

Next time, don't show so much.

And if you do, get it waxed.

What about you?

You in?

Sure.

I'm in.

You don't think I'm gonna
do it, do you?

- No, no way.
- [Scoffs]

Oh!

[Phone clicks]

Yes!

You used your phone!

I win, man!

[Laughs]
Whoo-hoo!

You just shaved your legs

and have pink fingernails.

Who's the real winner here?

She wanted me there tonight.

Who knew you were funny?

- Me.
- Hm.

[Cell phone chimes]

- Boys' night.
- Interesting.

- You know what's interesting?
- What?

You.

Why'd you come tonight?

I just wanted to check out
the competition.

Really?

And size up what kind of hell's

in store for me if
I'm Hart's next victim.

- Was it worth the trip?
- Yes, definitely.

You were classic.

[Cell phone vibrating]

Wanna get that?

No, it's okay.

Uh, finish.

I'm classic?
What does that mean?

It means exactly that.

You're classic, like,
Jane Austen.

- You're funny, with heart.
- So now I'm funny?

I never said you weren't.

You know what's really funny?

[Cell phone vibrating]

Hold on a sec.

Hey.

No, nothing's happening.

But something was happening,

and I couldn't explain it.

It was coming fast and swift
and out of the blue.

I was feeling a swirling
deep in my gut

that was exposing my rut.

Angelique says hi.

She's trying
to make me jealous.

But it was working on me.

Because suddenly,
I was jealous of Angelique,

and looking at her boyfriend
as if he was my own.

Gotta go.
Call you later.

Sorry about that.

She's out with some friends

and a little peeved
I didn't go,

so she's pulling the old,

"Let me tell you
what you're missing" bit.

Is it working,
making you jealous?

Strangely, no, which
might be a bit of a problem.

It's not a problem.

Lack of jealousy
just means you're evolved.

There's trust between you.

Or--

Or?

I'm over it.

[Cell phone vibrating]

Have a good time?

What are you doing there?

Waiting up for you,

so I could tell you
how awesome you were tonight.

It was so brave of you
to share that story.

Although I sort of
wish it wasn't that story,

so your dad could've stayed.

He would've been
so proud--

of your performance,
not the story.

- I was following.
- Okay.

Well, thank you,
but no thank you for coming.

So who was the guy?

- What guy?
- The guy you stayed with.

Collin?

- He's in my class.
- Oh.

So was everyone
from your class there?

No.

Then why did he go?

I don't know.
Because we're friends?

Friends, really?

- Is that all?
- It's no big deal.

He has a girlfriend.

And you have a boyfriend.

♪ ♪

[Knocking]

Jenna.

[Knock at door]

[Whispers] Jenna.

In the course
of a relationship,

if things didn't evolve,

they threaten to go extinct.

Because evolution
was about revolution.

And maybe my lack of jealousy
meant something.

Maybe I was revolting.