Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 3, Episode 4 - Let's Talk About Sex - full transcript

Previously on Awkward...

One a day keeps the baby away.

Oh, yes.

No one wants to be around me.

At school, everyone hates me.

I'm crazy about you.

There were certain things
in my life

I always wanted to keep
to myself.

For example,
my secret for shiny hair,

my ridiculous superstitions...

and my birth control pills.



How did he find them?

I think I left them
in the guest bath.

Don't worry.

I got this.

What are these?

You know what those are.

I can explain.

Ha ha, Jenna, I know
how birth control works.

Why didn't you tell me
you were on the pill?

It's a surprise.

Actually, for your birthday...

three months ago.

But we shouldn't be having
this conversation

in front of Jenna.



I agree. Gonna take
my breakfast on the go.

Lace?

Why are we still using condoms?

Jenna!

In that moment,

my dad went through
all five stages of grief

for the loss of
his only daughter's virginity.

Denial.

Anger.

Bargaining.

Depression.

Acceptance.

What are you doing?

Looking up Matty's parents'
number in the online directory.

He added one more...

Broadcasting.

Mom, don't let him do this.

Kevin... don't do this.

Really? That's the best
you can do?

Dad, please think
before you act.

I am thinking before I act.

Because if I were to act
before thinking

Matty would be dead.

I'm calling.

They need to know
that their son is having sex.

- I agree with your father.
- What?

Well, it's just
good parenting, Jenna.

I don't understand
why you guys are making

such a big deal of this.

You bought me condoms.
You knew what could happen!

I can see how that is
a confusing message to send her.

The condoms were
a preemptive strike

to make sure that you'd be safe

when the time came,

which I hoped
was well into your 20s.

That makes no sense.

It doesn't have
to make sense to you!

It only has to make sense
to me!

- I'm your father!
- He's right.

Even though it really doesn't
make sense to me.

Dad, please don't do--
mom, help me, help me.

- Kevin...
- Hang up, hang up, hang up...

- Just put down the phone.
- Hang up, hang up.

Please, I am begging you,
hang up the phone!

Hello, this is Kevin Hamilton,

Jenna's dad.

I think that you should know
our children are having sex.

Call me back if you want
to talk about this.

You left a voice mail?

Follow the sound
of the clapping noise, monkeys.

Since we had to skip lunch

to squeeze
in this extra practice,

I'll keep my notes short.

Katie, you're hyper-extending
your Russians.

No one wants to see
your flying "V."

Tobin, yell from your diaphragm.

You know, that place
that's located

directly under
your itty-bitties?

And Jessica,

you need
to skip a few more lunches.

Shut the fuck up

and let's start
with partner stunts!

Lissa!

Ready, okay.

What the hell
is everyone gossiping about?

Is the the Ricky Schwartz
bullshit again?

Like, I murdered him?

'Cause if it is, this shit
is getting really old.

Uh, no, no.

That's not it.

One, two.

Then what the hell is it?

Nothing.

You want me
to walk into a low branch?

Everyone's talking about
how your parents are broke.

It was an accident.

I left my pills
in the guest bath.

Ooh, that reminds me, I really
need to get on the pill.

- Are you guys having sex?
- Not yet.

But soon,
and then Jake-ara

will finally have something
over Jake-enna.

There's just one thing
keeping me

from being the first lady
of hump city.

I'm waiting for him
to say "I love you."

What are you talking about?

He says "je t'aime"
all the time.

Not the same thing.

He said "je t'aime"
when we were abroad.

And he was in a France-trance.

And he only says it now
because he already said it,

and it's stronger
than an "I like you,"

but not quite an "I love you,"

which is as high
as you can go love-wise.

I'm sure he'll say it soon.

My last pre-sex selfie.

You know it's a myth
that you look different after.

Um, you looked different.

I call shenanigans.

I didn't tell you
until weeks later.

But I knew something changed,
and it wasn't your bangs,

because those have
been the same since 1998.

Well, I hope,
when you do have sex,

your dad doesn't call his dad
to announce it.

How am I gonna warn Matty?

Just blurt it out,
and then bolt.

That's how I told my mom
I broke her vibrator.

I thought
it was a neck massager.

Anyway, good luck, gotta run.

See, just like that.

Hey.

Hey, so my dad called
your parents

and told them we're having sex.

Gotta go, bye.

What? All this extra practice
was for nothing.

- It was an accident.
- We have to call the alternate.

No way Lissa's
going to recover.

She'll be out the whole season.

We're not calling
the alternate.

That is the final word.

Actually,
it's not the final word,

because I have
something to say.

The PHHS cheer bylaws

do allow for
an alternate substitute

in case of injury,
failing grades, or polio.

They were written in the '50s.

Guys, I'm sure I'll be fine.

I just need to get on my feet.

Could somebody help me up?

Listen to me.

Lissa cheered at nationals

the day after a bird flew
into her face

on a roller coaster.

We do not need the alternate.

I'll be fine!

All right, listen up.

I want to congratulate
all of you

for inspiring me...

to come up with
a whole new grading system.

That's right,
letters would not suffice.

I had to use words.

"Cancerous."

"Nauseating."

Uh, "debilitating."

Uh, nice one.

"Self-inflicted gunshot wound
to the head."

I know it's more than one word,
but it was earned.

Are you my "hopeless"?

Let's go.

Okay, there you go.

My essay is...

"plodden-tory"?

- Is that even a word?
- I had to create a word.

To describe your piece of shit.

Because "piece of shit"
just sounds mean.

Now this one,

this is "illuminating."

Would you care to regale us
with a bit of your essay?

Given my recent
private humiliation,

it was nice
to have some public recognition.

Actually, you know what?
Do me a favor.

Don't read it.
I can't hear it aloud.

It hurts me too much.

But you said
it was illuminating.

Yes, because it opened my eyes

to how bad your writing can be.

The reason
you're a terrible writer

is because you belong
to "generation whatever."

You only know
how to express yourself

with abbreviations,
misspellings.

You've turned punctuation
into picture books.

Miss Hamilton,

it's time
you make me feel something.

You have to dig deeper.

Tell me something
that's not easy.

With words, not emoticons.

Mr. Jennings, "promising."

"Promising" as in
you want me to promise

never to put pen to paper again?

No, "promising" as in

"I wanted to read more
about what you had to say."

And I have to say,
not to sound like a creeper,

but I really felt like I was
in that hotel room with you.

When your mother's friend
was seducing you...

it was titillating.

Ugh.

So your dad called my parents

and said we were having sex.

- He's so transparent.
- What? Your dad?

No, this guy
in my class, Collin.

My dad, he's gonna kill me.

I don't understand
what the big deal is.

So he slept
with an older woman.

Whose dad are we talking about?

No, still Collin.

Mr. Hart liked his paper
and not mine.

What exactly did he say?

He said
it was "illuminating."

You went into detail
about our sex to your dad?

No, I meant my paper.

And, no, I didn't.

And my dad didn't speak
to anyone.

He... left a message.

What number did he call?

The one
from the student directory.

Nice.

It's a landline.

They never use it,
and I can delete it from here.

I was grateful that Matty
could erase my dad's message

and put the whole thing to bed,

so to speak.

Do you know what this is?

Or this?

These are photos
of warts and lesions

on a vagina.

Dad, our food
will be here soon.

Can we, um, put away
the infected... genitalia?

I wish we could.

But you need to be aware

of what could happen
now that you and Matty

are engaging
in sexual intercourse.

And, you know, the more
intercourse that you have...

Please stop saying
"intercourse."

The higher your chances are
to have a vagina

that looks like this.

Dad, got the message.

And apparently,
so did Matty's parents.

What do you have to say
to Mr. and Mrs. Hamilton?

I'm sorry I-I took
your daughter's virginity.

Thank you.

Jenna?

What?

Apologize.

For what?

I am sorry for...

letting him... take it?

Okay.

I think that about takes care
of that, hmm?

We appreciate the phone call.

Oh, uh, sorry. Chinese.

Hi!

Thank you very much.

- Okay, let's go.
- Yes.

You're welcome
to stay for dinner.

No, we can't.

My mom has...

- salmon thawing at home.
- Oh.

Thank you for the invitation.

We couldn't impose.

It's not an imposition.

I do like Chinese.

- Okay.
- All right.

Okay.

What... is... happening?

This is what's gonna happen.

For the next few games...

we do mostly chants,
but not lame ones.

And when we build,
we do three turtle tubs

with one dragon roll
in front of it.

Can everyone calm
the fuck down now?

I should be back
by this weekend.

Does anyone have some food?

You know,
I'm about Lissa's size.

If you want me to step in...

I don't think teachers
can be on the squad.

Cheerleader law is fluid
in some areas.

And, yes, faculty can step in
in cases of injury,

pregnancy, or bear fever.

I think we should put it
to a vote.

All those in favor
of an alternate...

No vote.

I am the captain.

You're not going to be able
to buy your way

out of this one, Sadie.

All those in favor
of calling the alternate?

Opposed?

I'm raising my hand.

Come on.
How bad can this alternate be?

I'm a cheerleader!

Hey, it's Jenna.

Leave a message.

I got the call.

And now you're getting
the call-call.

Hey, babe.

So I was totally ready
to do it with you.

But I was waiting on something.

But that was before
I was made a cheerleader.

And right now, I am
too excited to wait.

- What?
- I am a cheerleader!

I'm ready. Okay?

Okay!

So when y--

when you got Kevin's message,

I guess it was
quite a shock, huh?

Well, ahem, yes and no.

I mean, I've found things.

And by "things,"
I mean "condom wrappers."

- Mom.
- Well, on the one hand,

you know it's gonna happen
eventually.

On the other--
"wrappers"?

That sounds like
a lot of condoms.

Have you had multiple partners?

Yeah.

How many partners have you had?

Maybe some things
were meant to go public.

- Yeah, how many?
- Ah, a few.

- Two?
- Three.

"Something private...

will become public."

Well, that's dead on.

You know
what fortune cookies mean?

Dinner's over.

Thank you. Yeah.

We sure are glad to meet you.

Thank you
for sharing your dinner.

We will do it again sometime.

- Almost over.
- Homestretch.

And next time we'll have
better dinner conversation

than our kids' sex lives.

Hey, we all want
the same thing,

and that is
to not be grandparents

for at least ten more years.

Don't worry,
Jenna won't get pregnant.

I put her on the pill.

Oh, my God!
We're gonna do it!

I've totally been waiting
for this moment

for, like, at least a year.

In minutes, I'm not gonna be
a virgin anymore.

This blindfold,
is this part of it?

Are you kinky?

Maybe I'm gonna be kinky.

Oh, my God!
I'm so excited!

Let me get this straight.

So you took
your teenage daughter

to get birth control pills?

Well... yes.

And here I was thinking
you were concerned

about our children having sex.

- Matty has condoms.
- I didn't buy them.

No... I did.

So you put your daughter
on the pill,

and you bought my son condoms.

You're encouraging our kids
to be promiscuous.

No, to be safe.

Nothing good can come
from teenagers having sex.

Actually, I did.

They had Jenna
when they were teenagers, mom.

Let it go.

Matthew don't speak to me
that way.

- I'm your mother.
- We need to go.

Our kids are having sex.

It's not like
they're doing drugs.

Matty's brother went to rehab!

Why would you violate
our family's privacy?

- Mom, everyone knows.
- Thanks to you,

because you can't ever keep
your mouth shut.

Hey, Matty's a good kid.

Don't take this out on him.

Who the hell are you
to talk to me about my son?

- I'm just trying to help.
- Listen, honey.

I'm glad
you're all loosey-goosey

and hippie-dippie
in this house,

but we don't condone
risky behavior.

I am lucky that
my daughter came to me

and said that
she was having sex,

that she felt comfortable enough
to seek my guidance.

Clearly, your son
can't do the same.

Clearly, we're different kinds
of people.

How about you worry
about your family,

I'll worry about mine.

And thank you for the Chinese.

- Come on.
- You're welcome.

I'm so sorry, Mrs. Hamilton.
I am--

Oh, honey,
this is not your fault.

And I am not a hippie.

What hippie do you know
has fake boobs?

Your mom said
that I could come in,

and that it'd be okay
to shut the door.

Go away, and take
your sex van with you.

I'm not going anywhere.

Just tell me what's wrong.

The blankets, the rose petals,

the freaking moonlight romance.

The air freshener.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Is that what you wanted?

- I used calypso paradise.
- Yeah!

And that's the only thing
that's different!

I'm really lost.

From Jenna's experience
with you.

I'm always second best.

I'm the alternate cheerleader

and the alternate girlfriend.

What are you talking about?

Everyone knows
that minivan thing

is what you had planned

when you were gonna have sex
with Jenna.

It was in her blog!

- But Jenna and I didn't do it.
- I know.

But you rehashed.

You didn't plan
anything special for me.

Uh, look.

I'm a guy.

And so... I had
this whole fantasy

of my first time.

I just thought
it would be so cool.

Really? A minivan?

Tamara, I want you and only you

to be my first.

So whatever you want,
that's what we'll do.

Well, I've always wanted it
to be in a hotel.

Oh, yes.

Yes, great!

And then we can be
as loud as we want,

and no one will walk in on us,

and we can put soft music
on the TV.

And how about
a bottle of champagne

chilling in an ice bucket?

Yes, and then we can
do that thing

where we intertwine our arms
and drink the champagne.

And then we go out
on the balcony,

and we yell down at people,

because we're
a little bit drunk.

And we'll wear those big,
white, terry cloth robes

when we open the door to
our room service strawberries.

And then I could just pick
you up, like this,

And you're surprisingly light,

even with the robe on.

- And I--
- And you say nothing.

Because I shut you up
like this.

♪ Hard to empty ♪

♪ hard to carry ♪

♪ up another flight ♪

♪ all the time it takes... ♪

Jenna?

Can we just not talk about
anything personal right now?

I just wanted to tell you

that I've been in your shoes.

When I was your age...

This sounds personal.

I had a dinner like that
with your dad's parents.

They greeted me at the door
with big hugs.

And they were so nice to me.

When we all sat down,

that's when I told them
I was pregnant.

Then what happened?

They started yelling at me

and calling me horrible things.

They said that
I had ruined Kevin's life.

And then I threw up...

which just made it worse.

I was humiliated.

I am so glad we have
the relationship we do.

It's the thing about my life
I'm most proud of.

I'm glad you're you.

I'm so glad you're you.

And I'm glad you didn't forget
to take your pill!

Did you?

Can I get you some water?

No, thanks.
I'm okay.

- Just okay?
- No. No, no, no.

I mean, that was--

- I'm still vagingling.
- Yeah.

It was everything
they say it is, you know,

in movies and songs.

Okay, I call shenanigans.

That was not fun.

- Did that totally emasculate you?
- Oh, no, no.

That's-- that's
what I thought too.

It was uncomfortable.

And your mom started coughing.

We can try again, I mean,
if you want to, of course.

Yeah, of course.

All I need is 18 minutes
and a sandwich.

Ooh, a sandwich.
That actually does sound good.

Yeah.

I'm looking forward
to figuring out

this whole sex thing with you.

I love you, Tamara.

I love you too.

♪ So hold my hand ♪

♪ 'cause talking is the source
of misunderstanding ♪

♪ hold my hand ♪

Apparently I don't need
that sandwich.

♪ 'Cause talking is the source
of misunderstanding ♪

♪ hold my... ♪

Congratulations.

Is that a post-sex pic?

Nope, it's
a post "I love you" one.

But we had sex too.

- You had sex too?
- Yeah.

But the "I love you"
felt much better.

Now I'm gonna go sit
on some ice.

I'm sore.

It wasn't easy for me
to write about something

that hit a little closer
to home.

But I was finally ready
to dig deeper.

"My Mother's Greatest
Humiliation-- Me.

By Jenna Hamilton."

My mom was right
about one thing.

You guys are
different kinds of people.

And I'm your kind.

Can I crash here for the night?